Sunday, August 6, 2017

u.







Image result for choose you black and white






"and my God, i hope u wake up one day, in one sweet mornin to someone who loves u like ur the sunflower, and they r desperate to keep u alive. i hope u dance wit em in the small space of ur room, wit dat messy hair, and wit those tired eyes bcoz u both been up all nite watching movies again.


i hope u laugh out loud wit em in a way u never did wit anyone else, head tilted back and lips apart as u let out every sound of ur laugh can possibly make and i hope to God above, u wont try to cover ur mouth - coz it is beautiful dat way.


but then again, if u do - its ok - bcoz dats ok, i knw i sometimes do, i hope they will stop u.i hope they grab ur hand before it comes in contact wit ur lips and i hope they hold it to their chest as they watch u wit dat kinda lovin eyes.


bcoz fcuk, everyone knws u deserve it. 


and i hope u will find someone who'll accept u as u r. i hope they accept ur messy hair in the early morn of the day, and i hope they accept the way u sometimes talk too much and cant seem to stop u - when ur nervous, or how u still cry urself to sleep on some nites.


i hope they hold on and kiss u on the places where ur most insecure at and i hope to God u will let em. i hope u find someone who make u happy, even when u feel like sometimes - life is fcukin hard for u. and i hope dat when u both come across a tuff situation, and it comes down to a choice where u r one of em, i hope they choose u.


every Goddamn time, i hope they choose u.."










u r enuff.






Image result for you are good enough black and white



u dun need anyone's affection or approval, in order to be good enuff. when someone rejects or abandons, or judges u - it aint actually about u  - it is about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs, and u dun hav to internalized dat. 


seriously.


ur worth is not contingent upon other ppl's acceptance of u - it is sthg inherent. rmbr - u exist, and therefore - u matter. ur allowed to voice ur tots and feelings. u r allowed to assert ur needs and take up ur own bloody space. 


and u too, r allowed to hold onto the truth dat who u r is exactly enuff. darn u r allowed to remove anyone from ur life, who makes u feel otherwise.






Monday, July 24, 2017

Sem 3 - goodbye!







last kelas wit Sem 3 on Psy Medicine. and perhaps, last kelas as well i am teaching the students on Psy Medicine. there'll be someone new sits in and teach dis subject. a brand new lad, wit a brand new skill etc.


i love teaching Psychiatry. apart from my specialty/major in Psychology - Psychiatry is wat i do and it is wat i fall in love wit. i hav worked in Psychiatry setting before, and being able to teach the stdnts and share some stories, knowledge on wat u did and wat u went thru - was the best thang, seriously. bdk2 bosan kalo ko jst ngajar and baca slides. trust me - opah aku pun can do dat better. they wanna more about ur experience and such, and dat makes the whole picture, complete.


even ko score in ur degree, first honors class segala - tp bila mengajar ko berleter, u cannot relate and make the stdnts see the real fact, they will learn nthg.


and not many yg suka mengajar Psychiatry pun. unless ko org baru, and ko hav no choice, no specialty - dats different.


i shld be looking at dis a change of perspective. must be somethg good about dis. Allah knws better.






Thursday, July 20, 2017

the u.




Image result for someone you knew





it is weird when u think u knew someone way better than u knw urself well. it is weird u hardly knw urself coz ur more interested to knw others and u hav no time to knw urself well.


or perhaps, someone knws the u dat goes to bed early bcoz u jst cant talk. u wanted to, but u jst cant. or u jst dun knw how. or the u dat doesnt stop talkin when they r excited.


i am sure someone knws dat u stays up late bcoz ur head is too fcukin busy, no matter wat u tell it to settle down. or u woke up in the mid of the nite, staring into the endless dark and emptiness coz of dat sthg, strugglin to get the hell outta ur skull. 


there must be many, who knw the u dat u wish other ppl tot u were. or how ppl wish they cld be u, but u urself refused to be one. and more dat knw the u, dat other ppl actually think u r. or how they adore u and u wish u cld shut em the fuck up and shoo em away.

and perhaps a few knw u - at least - knw the u dat u think u r.

but God sake - only i knw the u dats left - when the rest of u has gone away.





Sunday, March 5, 2017

..







u dun keep telling sucha shyte again and again. u dun keep telling the world ppl's mistakes as if ur covering urs. wat ru tryin to prove? dat ur smart enuff amd others r numbskull? say it clear, say it wise. once for all. if someone says he/she wanted to change for betterment, giv him/her a shot. a chance. enuff tellin shyte once, coz if u dun - better off no chance given at the first place.


find somethg new to talk about. start a brand new. u dun keep asking how, why again and again. coz if u keep wanting to do so - u shld not think of givin a chance, at the first place. put ur fuckin self in his/her shoes, and taste the shyte urself. 


u feel good? does it taste good? u think ppl wanna do shyte jst like dat, and if he/she regrets it, u cld jst go on again and again play those issues on for ages, like a broken record?


i believe in chances. i believe in keepin other's morality intact, to keep urs well as well. i believe in givin up, when u cant see any greener pastures left. 


but then again, fuck off wit wat i believe, coz it doesnt matter. u'll go sayin 'ur the one to blame in here, suits u well', 'it is ur fault, take it as it is!', i knw.





i said enuff.









Monday, February 27, 2017

wat if?





Image result for what if black and white





wat do u say when they say they r fine? wat is left when it all goes wrong? wat can u do to make it all better? 


wat will happen if it all goes to hell?


so wat do u hav to worry about? see ur answer above. 


---


alrdy in INTAN Wilayah Tengah, or INTENGAH. as usual, nthg much in here. but i gez i will enjoy the nthgness so dat i will get the chance to hav a look into myself, and thgs to do next. 


Putrajaya is a nay. KSKB JB? i yet to tell. but i gez i will go to where i'd be appreciated, needed. stayin put in the same place for a long time, cld be toxic, sometime.





..







Image result for flame black and white






"the hardest thg u ever do, will be not doing sthg".



---


dis is true for me.


i'be been ignoring him/her the last coupla days bcoz it is the only thg i knw. i've always ran bcoz i never learned to stay, and talk about thgs. i knw it well. call me coward, and i dun giv a fcuk. everybdy always left me, dat is how i learned it.


not confronting him/her is hard. and i am not goin to use ur advice, even tho it is true.


i am not goin to blame anyone else, tho i knw he/she will always did. i rather put thgs on myself, and get fcuk up. i am jst too stubborn for my own good.


but thanks anyway.


---


hav a good day ahead. leaving town again, for a week. i will see u, when i see u.
u take care.






Sunday, February 26, 2017

#goodnyte.







Image result for night black and white






if u can do nthg else, then tell the truth.



say, 'i dun knw who i was before now, and i dun knw who i will be trow'. say, 'there r thgs about me u'll never fix, and it is not ur job to fix me. take me or leave me alone'. say, 'i feel thgs i dun knw how to feel'.



say, 'we can be anythg, but we cant be everythg'. say, 'i can do nthg else, dis is me - and dis is all there is'.


and if anyone stays wit u, after u hav told them dat - stay wit them. 


as long as they'll hav u. 
and as long as they want u.



#goodnyte.





Monday, February 20, 2017

strangers.




Image result for waiting





everyone talks about love at first sight, like most of the time - but not once has some well-meaning soul turned to me and said other wise.

like, "do u knw how many years it takes to become strangers,again?".


sigh.


Wednesday, February 15, 2017

..







Image result for hurt black and white





i am kept awake not only by the ppl dat i hurt, whether on purpose or accidentally, i am kept awake by everyone i hurt unknowingly - who might still be hurt.


dis is the hardest thg - u can never knw how many ppl u hurt, jst by being u.