Monday, December 11, 2017

:-\





lama aku tak menulis. maybe all dis while, aku rasa aku ok. dat is - i hav not much of shyte in me, or perhaps - i do, but i managed well. or maybe - i am too lazy to pen down shyte well. but lately, i think i've been bottled too much. i started to lose sleep as well - i crashed early, and woke up at the mid of the nite, staring into the darkness. 


jst like coupla years back. i seriously dun wanna be there, again. 






perhaps - one of the thg dat bother me, is dis. Sister Zuraini Abdullah, our Nursing Clinical Instructor involved in an MVA last Friday. i was on leave when i get struck by the news. i was in shock. i remember has a plain chit chat wit her last Thursday, she was havin OSCE back then. she cracked a joke, and as usual - i burst laugh out loud. she was a simple lady, very kind, a nice motherly figure. 


she suffered multiple facial bone fracture, base of skull fracture. she suffered of cerebral edema. Bp on and off low, pupils 3mm sluggish. i knw, deep inside - it wasnt good.


and yesterday, she passed away. jst like dat. 


and the reaction from the rest of the ppl she knew - was expected. ppl copy paste 'takziah' and posted 'al Fatihah' pics, from others. the words r all the same. i feel bad for her, i feel sad. seriously u dun hav to say a fuckin word, if u dun want to. i knw, at least u bother. but then again - did u do dat jst bcoz everybody is doin it? while u dgaf? and hari ni, everybdy goes like nthg happened. no kutipan no nthg. no words from ur bigshots, nthg. 


u jst lost a fren, smlm God sake.


maybe i am too emotional about the whole shyte. but dis is not the first time. ramai yg dah pencen, masuk wad, fmly passed away etc - i am facing the same reaction. kosong. nthg. wat is wrong wit us? wheres the empathy? ur tryin so hard in showin some sympathy, while u knw it is so freakin cheap and mean nthg. i dun wanna be next, seriously. kalo Allah takdirkan aku jatuh sakit, atau meninggal dunia - i dun wanna be in here, at where i am now. tak pa lah kalo semua org tak tau pun, aku tak kisah. cukup lah kalo fmly aku tau, mak dan adik2 aku tau. coz i knw the reaction wld be genuine. 


sigh.


semoga Allah menempatkan arwah bersama mereka yg beriman, beramal soleh, bersama para kekasih Allah Taala hendaknya. semoga Allah mengampun segala dosa, salah silap arwah, dan menjauhkan dr segala fitnah kubur, serta fitnah api neraka. semoga syurga menjadi tempat kekal arwah, insyaAllah. 












nevertheless, i had a good weekend. Soleh buat kenduri doa selamat dan aqiqah for his son - Muhammad Abid Umar, he's 1 yr and 3 mths now. at least, dat kept me busy, and occupied. 









Friday, September 29, 2017

for tonite.







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dear u;


at the end of the day, today - jst before u go to bed - take about 30 secs to look out ur bedroom window, at the stars - rmbr ur place in dis world, dun let urself get lost in it. then take the time to remind urself wat ur goin thru rite now will pass, and it will get better inshaAllah; darn everythg heals wit time.


rmbr dat even on ur darkest, horrible days - those days when u feel utterly, helplessly alone, underestimated, unappreciated, and unloved - dat ur not. rmbr dat somewhere out there in dis big old world, somebdy loves u and appreciated u so much, perhaps more then u'll ever knw. furthermore, realize dat theres at least one person out there dat is dying to meet someone jst like u.


yes, u.


u, even ur short, bald, dark wit dat big nose, or frizzy weird hair, glasses and not-so-flat tummy.. u - wit ur awkward smile, embarrassing laugh, and dat corny sense of humor dat u think no one cld ever love. u r appreciated and wished for and brilliant, all of u.


above all else tho, take the time each day, at least once, to remind urself dat ur worth it, beautiful - inside and out. dun let the way others judge u affect how u judge urself; dun let ur mistakes and ur past define u; and dun let anythg hold u fuckin down.


rmbr dat ur wonderful person and u hav the potential to go so far in life. ur jst amazing - jst how ur, and u dun need to ever change for anyone, but urself. each and every one of us is worth so much, more than we knw - if u ever start to forget and doubt any of dat - do read dis again.


do rmbr dis again - u knw it is true. and now it is time u embrace it.






Wednesday, September 20, 2017

been years!






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and it has been another one hell of a year goes by.


i hav worn the seasons under my sleeves, on my thighs, runnin down my cheeks, countlessly. there r time i feel like givin up, i really do gav up. but then i knw if i turn my back, i am defenseless - and go to blindly seems senseless. and if i hide my ego, my pride and let it all go on - it'll take from me till everythg's gone.


but i gez dis is wat surviving looks like, aye?





ranting #4





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i've learned today dat no matter wat happens, or how bad it seems today - darn life does go on. and it will be better, trow. i've learned dat u can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles coupla thgs - such as a rainy day, over some losing stuffs, and flirtation. i've learned dat regardless of ur relationship wit ur parents - u will miss them when they r gone from ur life.


and u never knw u might be leavin em back in here in the world, way earlier.


i hav learned dat making a 'living' is not the same thg as making a 'life'. i hav learned dat life s'times gives u a second chance - and once u hav it, u hav to fuckin appreciate it, and take it gracefully. i've learned dat u shldnt go thru life wit a catcher's mitt on both hands - u need to be able to throw sthg back.


i hav learned dat whenever i decide sthg wit an open heart, i usually make the right decision. and i hav learned dat even when i hav pains, i dun hav to be one. i learned to respect ppl's belonging, no u dun snatch sthg dat belong to someone/sthg else - no it wont work dat way. if u wanna hav sthg on ur own, sthg to call on ur fuckin own - damn u gotta work it out, ur fuckin arse out. 


i've learned dat every day u shld reach out and touch someone. reach out for someone who wants u, someone who appreciate ur presence and leave all scumbag alone. coz if they want, they really want u. no they dun fuckin shyte wit ur feelin, ur emotion, they hav no fuckin right to fool u in such a way. 


i hav learned dat ppl love a warm hug, or jst a frenly pat on the back. i hav learned dat i still hav fuckin lot to learn. i hav learned dat ppl will forget wat u said, ppl will forget about u, ppl will forget wat u did, but ppl will never forget how they made u feel.



and yes, i still got a lot to learn. and i am.



Saturday, September 16, 2017

ranting #3






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the truth is dat - the more intimately u knw someone, the more clearly u will see their flaws - jst as much as they started to see urs. dats jst the way it is. dis is y relationships fail, y children r abandoned, and y frenshp dun last.


u might think dat u love someone until u see the way they act when they out of time, or under pressure, or even when they r hungry - for God sake.


love is sthg different. love is choosing to serve someone and be wit dat someone in spite of their filthy heart. love is patient and kind. love id deliberate. love is fuckin hard. love is pain and sacrifice. love is ego-less. 


love is like seein the darkness in another person, and defying the impulse to jump ship.


sigh.


---


hav a good weekend peeps!




Sunday, September 10, 2017

u gotta run.







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sigh.




u wake up every day and go to work and do ur job and eat ur brunch/lunch alone, or wit frens (it doesnt matter) and travel home and sit for early dinner and settle down for some idiotbox and call ur mum and do ur teeth, ur face and go back to bed on Monday and then before u knw it, it is months later and the routine hasn't changed much.


other than ur idiotbox choices of coz, becoz it the idiotbox remains the same and went on for the same shyte for seven months of the year i think they wld need to rename it somethg else, and dat wld all be a bit weird.


after all, u pay for it.


ur busy all of the time. even when ur not busy, fuck ur so busy - dats life these days. bcoz if ur not busy then u shld be and dat in itself can be somethg dat u can busy urself worryin about witno trouble at all. and dat is a hole of self-perpetuating hell dat u need to get out of, even if jst for a sec.


which is y i wld suggest datu run away. from everythg. everyone, for a lil while. even if only for a minute.


even if it is jst to the end of ur garden, beside ur home.




Saturday, September 9, 2017

pics!















been  a long time since i last put up some of my own pics. and dat is wat i am doin tnite. i had a lot in store, gez i will do dis again - kalo rajin.


above r some of the those dat i love, on my last trip to Jogja - Solo - Bromo - Surabaya, coupla weeks back. i had a real good break, i am tellin u. it was a hell good time, beautiful places, nice ppl and awesome foods as well.


cant wait for another one.





ranting #2






Image result for black and white letting go





i dun knw y we r all hang on to sthg we knw we r better off letting go of. it is like we r scared to lose wat we dun even really hav, anymore.


some of us say we wld rather hav sthg than absolutely nthg, but the truth is - to hav it halfway is harder than not having it at all.


dun u think so?


*sigh

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

ranting #1
















s'times i dun knw wat it is i am supposed to do. s'times i wake up at the mid of the nite and i see all dis time dat i hav and all the hours in a day and i collapse wit anxiety. 


i ask myself at the end of each day, hav i done enough? did i accomplish enough? did i do sthg to change a life in a positive way? did i work on sthg towards a dream of mine?


i think of all the paths of ppl i cross bcoz i knw dat my purpose here is more than jst to walk the earth aimlessly, it is more than jst to feel the broken heart, it is to write these anecdotes, to heal others - life is complicated, but it is also beautiful. it is weirdly beautiful yet dats kinda ugly at the same time.


we need to knw dat theres sthg out there or sthg more for us to get towards, and forward, sthg more for us to achieve and i think we need to focus on all the time we hav, instead of the we dun - expectations dun lead to disappointment. wat leads to disappointment is not tryin at the first place. and gez wats worst? expecting sthg and it doesnt go ur way? or jst sitting there doin nthg, and not even tryin?


i am ranting, i knw. coz my brain tends to take over. but i guess i am jst sayin dat the time is precious, and we stimes over complicate everythg, hearts break, try and fail, fail and succeed - we r all hav some story worth sharing. 


life is more than the box we trap ourselves in, and bein put down by our thoughts - we need to get out of our head, and get into the world.


get into the world. u shld.










Sunday, August 6, 2017

u.







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"and my God, i hope u wake up one day, in one sweet mornin to someone who loves u like ur the sunflower, and they r desperate to keep u alive. i hope u dance wit em in the small space of ur room, wit dat messy hair, and wit those tired eyes bcoz u both been up all nite watching movies again.


i hope u laugh out loud wit em in a way u never did wit anyone else, head tilted back and lips apart as u let out every sound of ur laugh can possibly make and i hope to God above, u wont try to cover ur mouth - coz it is beautiful dat way.


but then again, if u do - its ok - bcoz dats ok, i knw i sometimes do, i hope they will stop u.i hope they grab ur hand before it comes in contact wit ur lips and i hope they hold it to their chest as they watch u wit dat kinda lovin eyes.


bcoz fcuk, everyone knws u deserve it. 


and i hope u will find someone who'll accept u as u r. i hope they accept ur messy hair in the early morn of the day, and i hope they accept the way u sometimes talk too much and cant seem to stop u - when ur nervous, or how u still cry urself to sleep on some nites.


i hope they hold on and kiss u on the places where ur most insecure at and i hope to God u will let em. i hope u find someone who make u happy, even when u feel like sometimes - life is fcukin hard for u. and i hope dat when u both come across a tuff situation, and it comes down to a choice where u r one of em, i hope they choose u.


every Goddamn time, i hope they choose u.."










u r enuff.






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u dun need anyone's affection or approval, in order to be good enuff. when someone rejects or abandons, or judges u - it aint actually about u  - it is about them and their own insecurities, limitations, and needs, and u dun hav to internalized dat. 


seriously.


ur worth is not contingent upon other ppl's acceptance of u - it is sthg inherent. rmbr - u exist, and therefore - u matter. ur allowed to voice ur tots and feelings. u r allowed to assert ur needs and take up ur own bloody space. 


and u too, r allowed to hold onto the truth dat who u r is exactly enuff. darn u r allowed to remove anyone from ur life, who makes u feel otherwise.






Monday, July 24, 2017

Sem 3 - goodbye!







last kelas wit Sem 3 on Psy Medicine. and perhaps, last kelas as well i am teaching the students on Psy Medicine. there'll be someone new sits in and teach dis subject. a brand new lad, wit a brand new skill etc.


i love teaching Psychiatry. apart from my specialty/major in Psychology - Psychiatry is wat i do and it is wat i fall in love wit. i hav worked in Psychiatry setting before, and being able to teach the stdnts and share some stories, knowledge on wat u did and wat u went thru - was the best thang, seriously. bdk2 bosan kalo ko jst ngajar and baca slides. trust me - opah aku pun can do dat better. they wanna more about ur experience and such, and dat makes the whole picture, complete.


even ko score in ur degree, first honors class segala - tp bila mengajar ko berleter, u cannot relate and make the stdnts see the real fact, they will learn nthg.


and not many yg suka mengajar Psychiatry pun. unless ko org baru, and ko hav no choice, no specialty - dats different.


i shld be looking at dis a change of perspective. must be somethg good about dis. Allah knws better.






Thursday, July 20, 2017

the u.




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it is weird when u think u knew someone way better than u knw urself well. it is weird u hardly knw urself coz ur more interested to knw others and u hav no time to knw urself well.


or perhaps, someone knws the u dat goes to bed early bcoz u jst cant talk. u wanted to, but u jst cant. or u jst dun knw how. or the u dat doesnt stop talkin when they r excited.


i am sure someone knws dat u stays up late bcoz ur head is too fcukin busy, no matter wat u tell it to settle down. or u woke up in the mid of the nite, staring into the endless dark and emptiness coz of dat sthg, strugglin to get the hell outta ur skull. 


there must be many, who knw the u dat u wish other ppl tot u were. or how ppl wish they cld be u, but u urself refused to be one. and more dat knw the u, dat other ppl actually think u r. or how they adore u and u wish u cld shut em the fuck up and shoo em away.

and perhaps a few knw u - at least - knw the u dat u think u r.

but God sake - only i knw the u dats left - when the rest of u has gone away.





Sunday, March 5, 2017

..







u dun keep telling sucha shyte again and again. u dun keep telling the world ppl's mistakes as if ur covering urs. wat ru tryin to prove? dat ur smart enuff amd others r numbskull? say it clear, say it wise. once for all. if someone says he/she wanted to change for betterment, giv him/her a shot. a chance. enuff tellin shyte once, coz if u dun - better off no chance given at the first place.


find somethg new to talk about. start a brand new. u dun keep asking how, why again and again. coz if u keep wanting to do so - u shld not think of givin a chance, at the first place. put ur fuckin self in his/her shoes, and taste the shyte urself. 


u feel good? does it taste good? u think ppl wanna do shyte jst like dat, and if he/she regrets it, u cld jst go on again and again play those issues on for ages, like a broken record?


i believe in chances. i believe in keepin other's morality intact, to keep urs well as well. i believe in givin up, when u cant see any greener pastures left. 


but then again, fuck off wit wat i believe, coz it doesnt matter. u'll go sayin 'ur the one to blame in here, suits u well', 'it is ur fault, take it as it is!', i knw.





i said enuff.









Monday, February 27, 2017

wat if?





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wat do u say when they say they r fine? wat is left when it all goes wrong? wat can u do to make it all better? 


wat will happen if it all goes to hell?


so wat do u hav to worry about? see ur answer above. 


---


alrdy in INTAN Wilayah Tengah, or INTENGAH. as usual, nthg much in here. but i gez i will enjoy the nthgness so dat i will get the chance to hav a look into myself, and thgs to do next. 


Putrajaya is a nay. KSKB JB? i yet to tell. but i gez i will go to where i'd be appreciated, needed. stayin put in the same place for a long time, cld be toxic, sometime.





..







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"the hardest thg u ever do, will be not doing sthg".



---


dis is true for me.


i'be been ignoring him/her the last coupla days bcoz it is the only thg i knw. i've always ran bcoz i never learned to stay, and talk about thgs. i knw it well. call me coward, and i dun giv a fcuk. everybdy always left me, dat is how i learned it.


not confronting him/her is hard. and i am not goin to use ur advice, even tho it is true.


i am not goin to blame anyone else, tho i knw he/she will always did. i rather put thgs on myself, and get fcuk up. i am jst too stubborn for my own good.


but thanks anyway.


---


hav a good day ahead. leaving town again, for a week. i will see u, when i see u.
u take care.






Sunday, February 26, 2017

#goodnyte.







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if u can do nthg else, then tell the truth.



say, 'i dun knw who i was before now, and i dun knw who i will be trow'. say, 'there r thgs about me u'll never fix, and it is not ur job to fix me. take me or leave me alone'. say, 'i feel thgs i dun knw how to feel'.



say, 'we can be anythg, but we cant be everythg'. say, 'i can do nthg else, dis is me - and dis is all there is'.


and if anyone stays wit u, after u hav told them dat - stay wit them. 


as long as they'll hav u. 
and as long as they want u.



#goodnyte.