Tuesday, January 5, 2016


by 4.30pm, i was alrdy up there in the ofc. the orientation was still on - kaunselor's nye slot. aku dah malas to stay around since byk keje kat ofc. lagipun ada apptment dgn bdk2 research regarding their proposal and such. went to the pantry to get myself a cup of Horlick, when aku stumbled into my senior - she sat there staring into the air, wit kinda complete kosong kinda look. i was like - fcuk, perhaps i shldnt be there at the first place. perhaps she need sometime on her own - she lost her only daughter for an MVA last coupla weeks. and i heard she was fighting and stumbling big time.

but i was alrdy there - so might as well aku jst go in, and do my thang.

aku said 'hi.. apa khbr akak' in a very awkward way. i hope it was sufficient to break the ice. seriously i dun knw wat to ask. she looked at me - and smiled. she said she's ok. but she cant help thinkin, and wishing. i pulled a chair and sat in front of her.

i knw i cant go wit 'sabar lah akak.. dah takdir' kinda thang for i wasnt in her shoes. and i knw i cant go along wit 'akak kena kuat' kinda thang for i dun knw how hard it is for her - for i wasnt in her shoes. and i knw, no matter how hard i try - it wldnt be the same wit wat she's facing rite now. the pain of losing. the pain of missing someone dat u really love. 

so she told me thngs. and i was jst sitting there, listened to her. i nodded my head off, and i cld see the tears gathered up in her both eyes. but those tears were never rolled down her cheeks. maybe she was tired of doin dat anymore. maybe she started to take thgs as it is.

it was a tough time. hell kinda tough time, shyte. every words dat came out of her mouth, strike me well. i felt shaken by em all. and it sticks uo my head, even rite now.

i drove back home from the gym, thinkin bout it. the gal was young, way younger than me. she cld be havin hell good kinda life in front of her. but now, she wasnt around anymore. aku rasa kerdil. aku rasa gusar. takut. bimbang. all in - dat i dun hav words to describe.

i am not saying dat aku tak solat.. aku tak ke kuliah ugama et al. i did. in fact - i am workin hard to make sure those r the thg yg aku akan btol2 jaga nowadays. solat. and kelas/kuliah agama. w'pun aku lahir dlm keluarga yg religious and kuat agama - and nak banding dgn adik beradik aku yg lain - aku tau where i stand. each time aku balik kampung - mak akan continously ingatkan aku lapangkan some time jumpa ustaz dan belajar/dalami ilmu agama. aku wld jst nod my head and smiled away. the fact is - she din knw dat i am doin it. and i am tryin so hard to squeeze between time for all those.

i knw wit all dis - u mght ended up ckp aku 'poyo', 'buang tabiat' etc. hey, u deserve to think wat u wanna think. and i dun giv a shyte pun.

aku rasa kerdil sgt. serba kekurangan. aku rasa sedih dan sayu. lookin at myself yg serba kurang. w'pun dr kecik aku dilatih jgn tinggal solat and such - still aku rasa takut dan bimbang. 

i tried to positively take it as a challenge for betterment - but my mind.. sigh. my mind wldnt let me. i gez i jst need to sleep over it je lah then.

i hope trow wld be way better, inshaa Allah.


No comments: