Saturday, January 30, 2016

-the end-

i knw its over before she says
i knw it falls at the water face
i knw its over, and ocean awaits - for the storm

the ssun and snow
rivers and rain
crystal bal cld forsee a change
and i knw its over, parting our ways
and its done

but din we hav fun?
dun say it was all a waste
din we hav fun?

from the top of the world
top of the waves
u said forever, forever always
we cld hav been lost
we cld hav been saved
and i

now we r stoppin the world, stoppin its spin
o c'mon dun giv up
u see me giv in
dun say its over
dun say we r done
din we hav fun?

i knw its over, before she says
now someone else has takes ur place
i knw its over, Icarus says - to the sun
and so it sinks in, lightning strikes
ur too forced to force his glide
the fact dat its over, the fact dat its done

din we hav fun?
dun say it was all a waste
din we hav fun?

from the top of the world
top of the waves
u said forever, forever always
we cld hav been lost
we cld hav been saved
and, i..

now we r stoppin the world, stopped it in its tracks
nthg too broken to find our back
so before its over, before u run
and din we hav fun?

jst u and me, u and me
we were always meant to, always meant to
u and me, u and me
we were always meant to, always meant to
u and me, u and me
we were always meant to, always meant to

din we hav fun?

but din?
maybe we cld again.

- coldplay feat tevo lo.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016


as the time goes by, and as the age change - i learn a lot of thg. i learn to giv up on thgs i dun like, i learn to let go even more. i learn to giv in on thgs dat i hate as well. theres no fighting on thgs dat'd never bring u good. i learn to love even more. i seek to understnd ppl even better. and understand myself way better.

i jst dun wanna waste my time. on thgs dat doesnt worth my time. i jst dun hav such energy to spend on such, anymore.

but if i wanted somethg, or if i knw i am right - i'll stand up well.

i learn to be nice to others, and respect ppls' feelings, choices and thoughts as well. theres no use to stand ur stance in the name of 'expressing ur self' when at the end of the day - ppl will leave alone and left u wit nthg - except wit ur go-to-hell-wit-ur-expressing-ur-self kinda thang. no man is an island - u cant stand alone in dis whole world. we need one another - and dat is the scariest fact - but dats the way life is. unless ur Schizophrenic, or Schizoid Personality (or perhaps, Schizotypal) - u go figure dat out. perhaps dat'd giv u sort of insight. i learn to watch out on words i wanna say for u never knw - one day, u mght need to lick em all up back again. and u dun want dat. Allah is Great - u gotta remember dat.

i learn to let go a lot. if i dun like u, if u mess wit me, if u stress me up - i'll leave u behind. life is so freaking short to deal wit all dis kinda creepy thgs/ppl, and i dun wanna waste my time. i stop forcing myself to like someone -if i jst cant. and i dun mind if u dun either, coz dats choices in life. if u think ur so bloody smart, and i am a dump - hey, go fly kite - for everybdy knws if ur damn fuckin smart enuff - ur not supposed to be wat and who ur now. u shld be somewhere else.

or perhaps - someone else.

i learn to forgive and forget. i learn to realize dat ppl around u is unique in a special kind - u shld never expect they'll think the way u do, and vice versa. and i learn to tell thgs out properly - if it is pain in the arse and makes u losing ur sleep. keeping thgs and hoping ppl will read ur mind is sucha bulshyte - we r human being. we r born as one - no body cld read ur fuckin mind. ur no witch, bitch. trust me.

dats the fact.

and i learn to go easy on thgs. i stop being over-analyzing about shyte in life - it'd bring u no good. it'd add on ur physical diseases even more, and effect ur mental health as well. unless u'd love ppl to knw u as a sociopath, darn dat'd be somethg else. ppl will hate u bcoz ur over-critical attitude, and ur sickening judgment. i learn to give and take. i dun expect ppl to understand me - even if i try to explain myself. u dun hav to understand me pun - its ok. and u dun hav to love me - if u dun feel like too.

go fuck urself wit ur super duper excellent thoughts - for it doesnt mean a thg to me. as long as i knw wat i am doing, as long as i knw who i am - i dun to submit to u. ur not my parents - i need not to explain shyte to u. and - yes, i dun explain. dats jst me. u cant live wit dat - go fuck urself. i find to be more stress-free when i stop to giv a flyin fuck, seriously. if u think ur way superior then others - darn u shld hav a break and look into urself - coz ur suffering of a serious low self-esteem kinda problem, luar nampak bagus dlm hancur kinda shyte. and dats the way it is. 

u mght think i am being selfish - but hey, dat's life. u gotta love urself well, and then only u knw how to love others well. love u to love others. if u dun love urself well, if u dun even knw urself well - get out of here.. dun keep coming back and tell me u love me - coz u knw nohtg.

and yes - i am not a witch. i dun read ur mind. make me understand if u wanted to be understood. otherwise - u can opt a choice to keep mum. its a matter of choices, to choose - in life. choose either one - and i am ok wit it.

and yes - respect others, to respect urself. and respect urself, to respect others.

btw - i'll be a year older in coupla days to come. 

and i am glad.


will be out of town for a lil while, trow. u take care. and hav a good crash ppl!


Monday, January 18, 2016


had a good news dis morning - and i am glad. darn i am proud. i gez, who wldnt. 

yet at the same time, i gez i'll get back to the same ol'days. the questions ppl expecting to hav the answer, the obligation in providing some answers u knw u dun hav any. i knw i hav to answer to nobdy - but sometimes, u jst wish ppl wld think the way u think, and ppl wld understand wat kinda shyte ur goin thru.

when it come to dis all - i had no choice left - but to keep thgs to myself. i knw if open up my mouth and share dis - it ended up it become worst and it is not helping at all. all i need is someone to jst listen and giv me sort of nice, pamper words - no, u dun hav to settle thgs for me for i knw it is leading to nowhere.

but to answer me in return and put ur shyte on me - while all i wanna do is to share my problems - i'd rather seal my mouth and suffer alone.

 i gez all dat i can do is 'berlapang dada'. bersyukur dgn apa yg ada, and enjoy wat's in for me. i am sure there r a lot of ppl out there wit no luck like me, or even worst. i jst hav to be grateful and never, ever comparing myself wit others.

but sometimes - words r easily said, rather be done.


Wednesday, January 13, 2016

gd morning!

"it's the now dat matters", as someone told me. not trow. not yesterday.

so remember - today, u can make a difference. u've done it so many times before and u can do it again. today is full of posite possibilities for u to weigh it down wit excuses (of coz), or hesitation, or doubt - as usual. but then again - u knw wat will push ur life forward today - so jst go ahead and ge on wit it. 

taking actions can be difficult. uncomfortable. risky and complicated. but none of those thgs r as painful as the regret u'll hav to live wit if u fail to make the most of dis day. in all of time, in all the universe, there is not - never has been and never will be another person jst like u. darn ur rite here, rite now to add sthg unique to life - sthg only u can do - so, jst do it dammit.

let urself feel the sense of purpose dat rises from ur core. fulfill dat purpose by gettin urself up, gettin out there, and gettin urself in motion. dis is a beautiful, unique day - and u can make it even more so. 

act on possibilities, and enjoy the experience of the new luxurious flowing out from ur action!

hav a good Wet-nesday, gais!

Tuesday, January 12, 2016


and no group of ppl, is as important as single person. 
theres no em dat's more important than a u.


salam. selamat pg. it's alrdy 7.50am - and i am alrdy in the ofc.

not it is not early - i usually here in the ofc way earlier. the jam is bad. the ppl on the road causing the jam r way worst. and i gez i jst hav to bear wit it la kot. i knw u've been listening to the same shyte again and again - from me. eh, kalo tak nak trap in the jam - ko jalan kaki lah. mcm tu. 


eh, i dun mean to jadi negatif pun. hahahaha.. it was jst sthg dat i hav to face every morning. ni baru an ulu part of Ipoh. blum the Ipoh itself. and leave alone to compare it dgn KL. hahaha.. and aku dah berjela2 merungut, eh? erm, not good. not good.

teaching hours start to pour in. kinda penat jugak nak schedule semua benda in one time. jadual travel tgk students, meetings, courses, teachings et al. tp biasa dah - awal2 neh bley swing swing balls.


sorry - i rushed to the class jst now. tak perasan kelas at 9am - was thinking it is goin to be at 11am je.. hahahaha.. rupanya 9 to 10, 11 to 1. haih. anyway - i am done wit the 1st hour on Neurosis - Anxiety d/o, Psychosexual d/o and Personality d/o. kinda huge, broad topics - cramped into 3hrs. huhu.. but it is ok - been used to it. long as i can giv em the clear pic about the whole shyte, giv em loads of examples - and let em ask more q's - i think it is goin to be good enuf.

break time. nak kuar mkn yet malas. baham pe yg ada je. thank God since pg tadi aku dah tapau kueh sket. and Yus - erm, Yus skang dah kena demam Diwale. seriously aku tak faham. maybe aku belum tgk. maybe aku tak akan tgk pun. maybe it's not my genre, at all. so bila time2 mcm ni - Fina, Yus dok lepak having a break and bukak Diwale - aku rasa nak sawan. hahahaha..

apa yg best sgt dgn Diwale neh eh? blergkh.

aku remember Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham (abaikan spelling - aku tau salah, and aku dun giv a fcuk.. haha). the 'fever' ppl had wit these two movies. aku tak tgk pun, serious. tp ada jgk tgk sket2 since they played on the idiotbox. and aku remember gelak my arse off since mak and kak ngah nanges mcm nak rak watching these two movies. and i had a good laugh - wit Haziq ofkoz. but then again - Diwale may not be my thang, but i respect u if ur fallen for it anyway.

no. i wont laugh. ur thang might not be my thang. and my thang shldnt be ur thang. who knows, dok dgr Yus pasang lagu Janam Janam Janam jadah semua like everyday, tetiber aku plak yg over. caneh? hahahaha

ok lah. nak pi pantry. need a coffee for a break. 

hav a good day ahead, ppl!

Saturday, January 9, 2016

werkin 4 it.

tot rasa nak rehat from gym today.
tp kena pi jugak la mcm ni
nampaak gayanya..



ni cerita semlm.

kolej wit kerjsama RSK Ulu Kinta anjurkan Majlis Maulidurasul yg grand - jemput all the bigshoots to rasmi etc. supposed MB Perak dtg - tp turned out he cldnt make it, so he sent in someone else. so aku dtg awal - by 7.15am dah smpai - since kalo aku tgk aturcara, ada perarakan segala. and ada Ustaz Kazem & PU Syed. wow. aku tau the majlis pun since ada fliers etc - i knew the were a few of us terlibat - tp definitely bkn aku lah. it has to be dis someone and the gang - for bila all dis majlis ugama, 'dia sahaja yg capable'. ha ha..

tak apa lah. aku rather hadirkan diri dan mingle around freely.

so aku, Azman and Shidi we decided terus ke dewan instead, sebab Shidi ckp 'biar lah stdnts je berarak.. kita pi dewan terus lah'. and turned out he was one of the floor manager. hahaha.. so aku lepak dgn Azman kat red carpet, sambil tgk all these ppl so bz dis and dat like 'eh, see.. aku je keje k. aku dlm list and bos suruh aku keje.. and look at u. watdya do?' kinda thang.

tak apa lah. kesah? hahaha 

tiber2 puan Timb Pengarah bos aku dtg towards us two, and tnya Azman regarding pentas. the hadiah, dulang, VVIP, rostrum etc. and turned out Azman AJK pentas dowh. hahaha fine. Azman went like 'dorg bubuh nama saya mcm tu je, mesyuarat tak panggil.. sy pun tatau nak buat apa'. puan Pengarah un-stick sticker for the AJKs dr tudung dia, and pasted it to my right chest. i was like 'eh, nape ni puan?'. fcuk she wanted me to go up and tolong all the AJKs, since 'semua budak baru.. sy risau'. and she wanted herself for me to usher VVIP naik pentas, usher time berucap etc. 

big shyte.

puan terus ajak naik pentas. dammit aku ngikut je mcm lembu kena tarik idung. and Azman too. haha.. atas pentas aku jmpak Fina - she went like 'ko tau Shah, aku tak tau mender.. tup2 baru tau pg tadi nama aku dlm list AJK pentas. jadah pun tatau nak buat apa..'

fine. nama ko dlm list. aku?

tp ok lah - since Fina was around - aku ok sket. we both we can work wit one another well. so, Fina bagi taklimat for AJK2 pentas on wat shld be done, according to her pengalaman. giler kuasa dak? hahahaha and aku dgr je lah. kelip2 mata bdk2 baru neh aku tgk. hahaha.. tak pa lah. learning process. and 'u Shah, duduk sebelah pentas sana, jemput VVIP naik, tggu belakang VVIP.. kot2 dia nak apa2, kot2 apa jadi..', darn the lady-boss really mean it.

and dat was how it goes. abes majlis - bukak henset, nahh.. mcm2. dr stdnts. dr kwn2. 


Friday, January 8, 2016


think i shld be doing the balik-kampung, dis weekend.

Puan Mages.

semlm last day Puan Mages. last year Mr Anwar left us, and now - Puan Mages. basically area tempat aku, Yus tu dah kosong. Amer also not in. Mr Liang dah lama blah balik kampung. Kak Anne attachment for a year - bulan Sept dis year baru balik. hurmm..

i dun really knw her, yet aku get the chance working wit her for about 4 years nice. she's a typical conventional Indian lady, yet very motherly and full of advises. she'd go like 'Shah, never do dis bla bla bla..' and 'Shah, u shld bla bla bla..' and she really can go wit dat - for hours. hahaha.. darn i am gonna miss dat, for sure.

but then she looks so happy semlm. she said, she had a mixed feeling of coz of leavin all her frens behind - yet she jst cant wait. ye lah, jeles plak aku tgk. tak pe lah - i wished her all the very best then. may all the days wld bring her all the very best in life for her - kesihatan tubuh badan, fizikal dan mental inshaa Allah. gdluck Puan Mages!!


woke up by 3am - mengadap lappy wit so many thgs in the head. proposal baru half-way, dah nak muntah najis rasanya. fcuk i jst cant wait to get dis over. huwaaaa.. few months je to go then,

and yes, another 3 wks to go, eh? wish list? hahaha like anybdy wld care. nvm then.

gtg. dah azan Subuh. and gtg downstairs and get myself fix wit a simple breakie. nak join?

hav a pleasant-TGIF, gais!

Thursday, January 7, 2016

all in.

but really - everythg happens all at once.

every single moment dat's passed and the moments still to come r all happening right now - in dis moment. ur young. ur old. u laugh. u cry. u win. u lose. u dun care about either, anymore.

u love. u dun. u love again. u hurt. u hate. u heal. and u go thru same shyte, again.

all at once.

theres nthg and no one to miss b'coz it's all still happening. they r still here.

and it'll continue to happen - forever.

the after-it

good or bad, right or wrong - u only ever really hear 
the truth after u've been fucked.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016


by 4.30pm, i was alrdy up there in the ofc. the orientation was still on - kaunselor's nye slot. aku dah malas to stay around since byk keje kat ofc. lagipun ada apptment dgn bdk2 research regarding their proposal and such. went to the pantry to get myself a cup of Horlick, when aku stumbled into my senior - she sat there staring into the air, wit kinda complete kosong kinda look. i was like - fcuk, perhaps i shldnt be there at the first place. perhaps she need sometime on her own - she lost her only daughter for an MVA last coupla weeks. and i heard she was fighting and stumbling big time.

but i was alrdy there - so might as well aku jst go in, and do my thang.

aku said 'hi.. apa khbr akak' in a very awkward way. i hope it was sufficient to break the ice. seriously i dun knw wat to ask. she looked at me - and smiled. she said she's ok. but she cant help thinkin, and wishing. i pulled a chair and sat in front of her.

i knw i cant go wit 'sabar lah akak.. dah takdir' kinda thang for i wasnt in her shoes. and i knw i cant go along wit 'akak kena kuat' kinda thang for i dun knw how hard it is for her - for i wasnt in her shoes. and i knw, no matter how hard i try - it wldnt be the same wit wat she's facing rite now. the pain of losing. the pain of missing someone dat u really love. 

so she told me thngs. and i was jst sitting there, listened to her. i nodded my head off, and i cld see the tears gathered up in her both eyes. but those tears were never rolled down her cheeks. maybe she was tired of doin dat anymore. maybe she started to take thgs as it is.

it was a tough time. hell kinda tough time, shyte. every words dat came out of her mouth, strike me well. i felt shaken by em all. and it sticks uo my head, even rite now.

i drove back home from the gym, thinkin bout it. the gal was young, way younger than me. she cld be havin hell good kinda life in front of her. but now, she wasnt around anymore. aku rasa kerdil. aku rasa gusar. takut. bimbang. all in - dat i dun hav words to describe.

i am not saying dat aku tak solat.. aku tak ke kuliah ugama et al. i did. in fact - i am workin hard to make sure those r the thg yg aku akan btol2 jaga nowadays. solat. and kelas/kuliah agama. w'pun aku lahir dlm keluarga yg religious and kuat agama - and nak banding dgn adik beradik aku yg lain - aku tau where i stand. each time aku balik kampung - mak akan continously ingatkan aku lapangkan some time jumpa ustaz dan belajar/dalami ilmu agama. aku wld jst nod my head and smiled away. the fact is - she din knw dat i am doin it. and i am tryin so hard to squeeze between time for all those.

i knw wit all dis - u mght ended up ckp aku 'poyo', 'buang tabiat' etc. hey, u deserve to think wat u wanna think. and i dun giv a shyte pun.

aku rasa kerdil sgt. serba kekurangan. aku rasa sedih dan sayu. lookin at myself yg serba kurang. w'pun dr kecik aku dilatih jgn tinggal solat and such - still aku rasa takut dan bimbang. 

i tried to positively take it as a challenge for betterment - but my mind.. sigh. my mind wldnt let me. i gez i jst need to sleep over it je lah then.

i hope trow wld be way better, inshaa Allah.


Friday, January 1, 2016

Haziq, yaw!

'adik ada fresh oren.. ko hado?'

owh. btw - my Haziq is in the house. dgn my mum. sedari pagi tadi aku dok melayan dia. bwk dia pi beli breakfast, since gedik2 nak ikut. and plus - he requested to pusing taman for a lil while. and dats wat i did. balik - since it was way still early, i decided to take a nap for a while. 

and gez wat? u think i can do dat? wit him around?

no. i cant. he kept knocking the door and asked me 'pak long.. pak long watpe..', 'pak long, adik bosan ni..', 'pak long, tak elok tdo peh Subuh' etc. argkh. tension big time. imagine - public holiday, one quite morning, and i shld be getting enuff of my beauty sleep. 

and even now - he's done wit the mandi and siap2 nak pi Jumaat, and is like 'pak long, pi mandi cpt.. nanti masjid penuh'. 


Happy New Year!

it's 1st January 2016! assalamualaikum, selamat pagi.

it's been a while since aku last write thgs in here. been bz - wit work, study. i've done wit my internship, for the whole semester! it was tiring Subhanallah. taking Masters never been dis difficult. sigh. and yes - at the same time i was struggling wit the work - the core. as u might knw by now - kontrak aku as SUP will last until 2017, dat is next year. so the mean time - i need to work shyte out way worst than anyone else kat ofis sana. i wld be smiling around as the semester bukak, tp by March rite til end of semester - i'll be in deep shyte since mid-sem exam and final sem r like so close to one another,

owh, i've been seeing ppl r makin a reflection, throwback et al on their 2015. cliche enuff. i saw a blogger fren of mine describing about his 2015 - one by one - like, aiyo.. u really wanna share those thgs, aye? me? tak la kot.

2015 - aku makin gemuk. dok timbang timbang tak turun2 jugak berat bdn aku. jgn fikir pasal BMI lah ye. mmg dah out. rasa nak giv up pun ada. ko lari mcm kena kejar anjing tiap ari, peluh berjeruk mcm baru naik kolam ikan, tunggang langgang kat gym - tp still the same. ye lah. perhaps mkn aku tak terkawal. 

well, aku did kawal as much as i can do. kira kalori mcm ko lbey bagus dr dietitian. tp still. blergkh. aku came to a point bila stdnts kept panggil aku 'Sir sado' and aku feel like nak penampar sesekor - since 'ko perli aku eh?' kinda thang,

argkh stress.

i mean - aku bukan lah nak slim mcm all the drug-addicts. or mcm super-model. aku jst wanna hav some good shape and the confidence - so when aku put on anythg on to work ke, apa ke - i'd feel good. tak payah nak risau 'alaaaa.. dis tak bley pakai', 'alaaaa.. b*bi la i'd look like nangka' etc. sigh.

2016 - aku jst nak stay healthy. aku need to lose some weights. bkn need, tp i hav to. mesti. i'd go running again, since aku dah daftar for few running events Inshaa Allah, starting wit Parit Buntar Kampung Run on Feb. i want to be better in person - jaga solat especially. and aku nak finish up the study ASAP - so aku can start doin sthg else plak after dis.

and aku nak mula balik updating dis blog, as much as i can. there r so many thgs in me i need to lay em all out, tp i cldnt help wit one thang - procrastination. 

btw - Happy New Year, peeps. it's gonna be hell tough year ahead i knw. but hey, dats wat life is. i mean - dat's the way life is pun. kan?