Sunday, September 11, 2016

walked off.












6 years, and it means a lot to u. but now, it leaves u wit dat numb kinda feelin and nthg else. u hav no regret, but u keep wishing it'd be worth a while. worth a fight. 


or perhaps, u lose track. now dat u dun knw wat ur fighting for. and u dun knw if it is worth shyte.


but then again - u learn a lot. good times, no doubt. it goes beyond everythg. jst dat u started to think dat ur too tired for the journey, and u need to jst stop. some path in life u better walk alone, tho u knw to hav someone beside u wld be wonderful.


---


Salam Eid'ul Adha in advance. jst in case i din get the chance in wishing u soon.



---


i decided to end my writing in here. dis is my last post. i din see myself writing shyte out anymore. i gez i had nthg left to share, i prefer to keep thgs to myself lately. i love doin dis, no doubt. but i jst cant see me doin it anymore. 


i shall put dis at rest. if i do come back, then i will. but if i am not, then be it.


u take care. 


love urself more then u love others. for if they leave u behind, u still hav the love wit u. and u'll be alrite. but if u giv em all out, u'll be left wit nthg. and to start all over again is kinda full of shyte u hav to struggle af.


---


gdnyte gais. i will leave dis for a lil while, before u wont be able to completely see any of the post, anymore.




assalam.






Friday, August 19, 2016

lunch break.




done wit the first part of the Mesyuarat Perlaksanaan Prog. Dip. Lanjutan Kesihatan Mental, jst now. break for lunch and Jumaat. Dr Elen lantik aku jadi S/U and i hav to deal wit all the corrections and such over the discussions we had. and he kept mention my name again and again up to a point aku rasa tak selesa, since there's ramai yg senior, bosses and such. i was jst there as one of the committee and contributor.


and a plain kuli, as well.


perhaps aku pernah kerja dgn dia, we used to hav byk discussions over thgs under the sun, and aku adore the way he sees thgs, the way he thinks and such.


tak berbahasa bahasi, berpantun segala yg tak berfaedah. bodoh dan buang masa.


and thru out the meeting, aku giler tak tahan mengantuk. i went out for some breather for coupla times, basuh muka and pi Unit Penilaian dan Peperiksaan, catching up wit Kak Ton etc. but then again, i am glad i manage to concentrate well. perhaps all dis brain-storming, intellectual discussion and discourse r thgs yg aku minat - so it shldnt be much shyte for me. but then again - i cant wait to thumb-out and hit home to crash.





owh?




gais, jgn lupa Jumaat. ya?







assalam











woke up at 2.30am in the morn., i was hungry like hell. i felt like drivin up to mamak and hav sthg, but i din. too lazy to get the hell outta bed. so pagi neh, 6.30am aku dah kuar rumah - it was way early i knw - tp aku lapar and i need to get sthg sebelum aku masuk ofc. alhamdulillah, had my proper breakfast and i off to the ofc.


and today - there'll be a Mesyuarat Perlaksanaan Program Diplomma Lanjutan Kesihatan Mental in here, and i am one of those yg kena hadir. alhamdulillah - after like years workin on the modules, curriculum and such - the course will kick off by early next month. there'll be an intake of like 30 stdnts - if i am not mistaken. i wont be the Penyelaras watever not, but i'll be teaching as well - contributing my specialization on Health Psychology and Counseling. i feel good about it and i cant wait.








i am still mad of myself. i dun blame the whole shyte on anyone else, but me. i shld be wiser on dis. i shldve known better. dis aint the first time i am standing and walking in dis shitty kinda shoes - been there before dis, and i knw how it ends. but again - it was jst me - said i dun mind takin the risk and i failed myself, i failed it badly. and i jst cant help myself.


i blame it to myself. solely.


gtg. u hav a good day ahead. i'll see u when i see u!









..










nite lift up the shades
let in the brilliant lite of mornin
but steady there now
for i'm weak and starvin for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
its all i can do to hang on
to keep me from fallin
into old familiar shoes

how stupid i cld be
a simpleton cld see
dat ur no good for me
but ur the only one i see

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as i floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for ur answer
but u come around in ur time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as ur gone
u leave me here burnin
in dis desert w/o u

everythg changes
everythg falls apart
cant stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses - i knw.



stupid; sarah mclachlan.





Thursday, August 18, 2016

nyte.






i din get much sleep lately. and so last nite. i crashed pretty early and woke up by 3am - and i knew it's gonna be disastrous. the feelin u had at dat particular time, forcing urself to get back to sleep coz u dun wanna be in between the darkness and the cold silence around u - its torturing. but i gez i jst hav to deal wit it. and i knw i am gonna be jst fine. dis, it come and go. 


and so does thgs in life, i gez.








went for a breakfast wit Ajak. been a while. we both were bz wit own thgs, i hardly see him in the ofc as well. he jst had another baby gal, coupla weeks back. i heard thg or two about him as well, and he has been texting me now and then. why? same shyte. politics at work, work, life and such. 


met him waktu masuk keje, and aku terus ajak kuar teman aku mkn. and he went like. "layak ke aku ni Shah, kuar dgn ko..". same fucking shyte. and same old him. we had a long conversation. serious lama aku tak kuar mkn dgn Ajak. he sometimes can be a lil negative wit thgs around him. i dun knw, i wasnt in his shoes pun. i am sure if i were him, i mght be ended up being the same. so when he started to grow such negativism in him, aku dah jarang2 kuar dgn dia. its not dat i dun want to, jst dat i believe i need more positivism in life - u knw wat i mean.


so i jst listen. and enjoyed my food. jst like wat i did to Hafiz smlm. sit, and listen. i din talk much, i jst giv him some space to talk. i knew he got loads in him to vent. and yes - same shyte. jst dat it's getting worst. and havin dat old knew-nthg big boss doesnt help much.


i pray he'll be better wit time. i wish i'd understand him way better, and can do somethg to help. but i jst dun knw how. we r livin in the surrounding where ppl r full of insecurities, uncertainty and ppl tend to stab u at the back, while they r smiling at u.


sigh.


driving back to ofc, i had dis tot. u knw, u've been listenin to others - their shyte and such. and u started to wonder who wld listen to u then? ur shyte and such. i hav so much in my head and i jst dun knw how and whom shld i spill it out to.








i ran, today. fueled wit anger, frustration and hatred in me - i had a good one. shldve done it better than jst dis. best part of stuffing ur ears wit musics and kept movin while ur head all over places, i had a nice run. it doesnt help me wit shyte in the head, but i feel good. 


i hope i'll hav a good crash tonite. dat i need not to wake up at the mid of the nite, and wondering wat to do.



..














"run, run, lost boy", they say to me
"away from the reality".





Wednesday, August 17, 2016

hi










and i ran, yesterday. tak jauh - 5km je. and it took me like 43min to get it done. bad timing, i knw. but its ok lah, rather than nthg at all. i jst wanna get sweat, and i jst need to run - tu je. it makes me feel better. and i sleep way better at nite, too.


i always wish i cld do better than jst the above. 'wish' is not a good thang, i knw. i gotta get it done, rather than jst 'wish'. lari sorg sebnrnya ada pro and ada con. u can run at ur own pace, nbdy cares pun. tp the motivation - dats the lacking. i wish i cld hav someone to run wit me, dat wld be good. or maybe, dat someone cld be me je lah kot, kan?


2 hrs class wit postbsc kejap lagik. and petang, Mr V combined all English classes for some activities at Dewan Sri Perdana, and he wanted me to be the Ketua Juri watever not. i wasnt keen, tp to think of kwn2, i gav him faces. icld go for PLA and do some clinical teaching instead. esk pun dah pack. Jumaat ada Mesyuarat Perlaksanaan Prog. Advanced Dip Lanjutan Kesihatan Mental plak, and i am one of the committee. 


gtg. see u around. i gotta class to run.


good day ahead, gais.







Tuesday, August 16, 2016

empty.










u r not empty. 
there has to be a part of u left - even if it just the part dat says, 


"dammit i am empty".


u gotta stand on top of dat part of urself, and reach up. reach out.


b'coz u r not empty.






..















owh. aku dah lama nak post the above pics - i knw nthg significant - but i kinda like em good. dok stay as 'draft' think i shld post sajer lah.


no caption. no nthg. put ur own caption if u feel like to. 


coz as for me, it is not necessary to hav one.








assalam.










salam, selamat pg!



crashed way early last nite. by 8.45pm i was alrdy in bed, forcing myself to hav some rest. i popped down a half dose of Stilnox, and some painkillers for the headache. and before anythg at all, all dat i remember - alarm was screamin shyte out loud and it was alrdy 5am in the morn. woke up, mandi, solat, iron baju and kejap je dah 6.30am.


if u ask me if i ever had a good crash, think i'd say yes. but then again - ofkoz, u still hav the urge to stay bad under the duvet and spend the rest of the day doin nthg but in bed for urself. but life wld not be dat easy, eh? there r thgs u gotta do, and u gotta get em done well.


i am havin like 2hrs of teaching today to the juniors. and nthg more. i feel like goin off to Beruas, Parit and Pantai Remis for some clinical teaching.. tp tgk lah. driving alone is one thg, and driving off there lepas pukul 10am is another. haih.


kat ofc pun byk keje tak settle - soalan, memos, dis and dat. argkh. mls fikir.


anyway, life's like dat. it comes wit responsibilites, in everythg. and i knw i am goin to be just fine.


and so do u, kan?


hav a good day ahead, peeps.




Sunday, July 31, 2016

u














u were not put here in dis universe to impress others, to be better than others or to beat others at all costs. u were not put in here to compare urself to others and ur success is not dependent on someone else's failure.


u were not put in here at where ur at now to put others in their place - to teach em a lesson or lecture em about who they r. u can and shld help others but dun treat others like they r broken jst b'coz they r not who u think they shld be - u were not put here to fix others.


'fix urself and help others to fix em selves'.


u were not put in here to rise above others. u r unique but not special and dats not a bad thg b'coz it means all of us can achieve some kinda greatness.


u were not put in here to be against others.


u were put here, wit others.







Friday, July 1, 2016

Selamat Hari Ra-Ra!








26 Ramadhan.

Assalamualaikum. 





last day working, before aku off for week raya leave. cant wait. the thg is - bagi aku raya neh tak de apa lah sgt - it is jst another day pun sebenarnya - tp the thrill of balik kg, get together dgn adik beradik, mak, it is somethg else sebenarnya.


tambahan plak cuti aku start trow, smpai Rabu (kalo raya Rabu lah). so like, i am having a few days in store to really berbuka puasa dgn kak ngah, abg cik, kak yang, Soleh and their whole fmly. damn. must be way meriah. so dis time around, aku raya kat Bagan Serai dulu before head to Kelantan on the second raya,


ofc dah start kosong. aku dtg keje by 7.15am pg tadi relaks je tak yah rebut2 parking segala. bersepah2 parking kat basement tu. and even now pun - tak ramai org kat ofc. Uma and Puan Maliga were like 'eh, y r u workin? u shld be on leave dah kan?'.. yeah rite. Mr Vinthai buat meeting at 3pm ptg ni, and i hav to attend dat meeting pun. huhu


Fina, Yus, Ain and the geng dok berlonggok kat tempat Fina bercerita apa tatau and once in a while they wld laughed out loud mcm org kerasukan. Yus told me dat they r planning to take time-off ptg neh. and Fina tried to make me, too. 'kitorg amek time-off ptg neh. nak balik kemas rumah' kinda thg. kemas rumah mak kau lah sgt. untunglah. jadah aku nak time-off ptg neh, aku meeting siak. argkh. jenuh aku cari Mr V mtk dia cpt kan je lah mesyuarat ke pagi neh, but he is not where to be found. huhuhu again.


and Hafiz kejap2 called. kejap2 called. ckp dia boring kat atas. ckp dia tatau nak watpe and literally kepala otak dia dah kat rumah and kampung. erm, since bila dia kepala otak dia ada je kat ofc time keje? well, dat is somethg new. hahaha.. he kept urging me to go up stairs so 'bley la sembang2, nok' kinda thg. bodoh lah. aku byk keje.


byk keje eh? jadah? basically keje aku dah siap, and i am jst cant wait to leave the building pun.


but i cant. meeting at 3. argkhh.


---


btw - sebelum aku lupa, Salam Eid ul' Fitr Mubarak gais. be safe. drive elok2. balik kg elok2, and make sure u come back in one piece, ya!



and yes - maaf zahir dan batin, too!







Sunday, June 26, 2016

life is..














dis life is wat u make it. no matter wat, ur goin to mess the fuck out of it sometimes - its a universal truth. but the good part of it - u get to decide how ur goin to mess it up. ppl will always wanna be ur frens - they'll act like it anyway. but remember - some come, some go. and the ones dat stay wit u thru everythg - they r ur true best frens.


dun let em go.


also remember - brothers and sisters they make the best frens in the world, too. as for lovers - well they come and go too. and hun, i hate to say it - most of em, actually pretty much all of em; r goin to break ur heart. but u cant giv up b'coz if u do, u'll never find ur soul mate. u will never find dat half who makes u whole and dat goes for everythg.



jst b'coz u fail once doesnt mean ur gonna fail at everythg.


keep tryin u numbskull. hold on, and always always believe in urself - b'coz if u dun, then who the fuck will, honey? so keep ur head high, keep ur chin up and most importantly - keep smiling. 



b'coz remember - life is a beautiful thang and theres so much to smile about God sake.






Friday, June 24, 2016

jst dun.
















dun allow ppl wit no purpose to distract u away from urs. some ppl jst dun deserve the opportunity to faze u or the power to make u mad. u will get it wrong at times - so expect to be judged, expect to be doubted, expect to be talked about - but do understand dat ur mission is greater than ur mistakes.


dun waste valuable time trying to prove urself to pointless ppl. accept where u've been, understand where u r and focus on where ur goin.


Let Allah handle the rest.



---


i'm taking a time-off, heading home.
i dun feel like working pun.


hav a good TGIF, fellas.









Wednesday, June 22, 2016

there r days.














i am sure - there r days goin to be days when u wont hav the energy or drive to get the hell out of the bed. there r goin to be days when ur goin to want to giv shyte up - giv up on everyhtg - love, life, work, school, ppl and so much more. 


the thg is - ur not alowed to giv up. u were given a life, and ur supposed to fuckin live it well - no matter how hard, and how bad it can be. the truth is the seventy or perhaps, eighty years dat ur given is not long enuf to do thgs ur supposed to do.


sure - ur gonna hit a few bumps along the way, u'll stumble and fall, but u've gotta pick ur fuckin self up and move on. i mean - u gotta move on. life is unpredictable and thgs might not always work out the way u want em to - but theres no reason to giv up.


we r all here for a reason, and someday - when ur least expecting it - ur goin to discover ur reason for bein around in here. and when dat does happen - ur life will never be the same again.



---


u hav a good day ahead, ppl.








Tuesday, June 21, 2016

i wish.
































i wish dat i had
never met u


then there wld be no need to impress u
no need to want u
no need for loving u
no need for cryin over u
no need for heartbreaks
no need for pain or tears
no need to spend precious time on u
no need to fuckin cry thinkin of u
no need for acting like u care
no need, for everythg u've done
to fuckin make me feel like absolutely nthg.


but then again
i'm glad i did meet u
coz u were the one who always asked me
if anythg wrong
u were the one who loved me
for me
the one who cared when everyone else
- didnt
the one who listened
the one who stayed up late
jst to talk about
the randomest shyte ever
u were the one who i told secrets to
and u were the one
who kept tellin me "u'll be ok"
tho i wasnt sure if u knew
the shyte u were sayin
the one who laughed at my bad jokes
and the one who did thgs
- jst for me


and i mean it.










doubt?















they say
whenever u find urself
doubting how far
u can go -
jst remember
how far u hav come.

remember everythg
u hav faced
all the battles
u hav won
and all the fears
u hav overcome.







Friday, June 17, 2016

i hope.
















i hope u find someone dat loves u when u wake up in the mornin. and i hope dat person stops u from runnin to the bathroom to fix urself before they can even get a peek at u. i hope they tell u how beautiful ur. not jst in the way u look - but in the way u hold their hands and laugh at their jokes.



i hope u find someone who send u msges when they dun knw whether to got a coffee or tea at ur breakfast. and i hope dat person shares their cookies wit u when they only hav one left in the jar. i hope u buy pizza when ur havin a creepy day and listen to ur complain about works and bosses at work. 



and i hope dat person holds u like one wld hold an antique vase.



i hope they find u in everyone else they meet. i hope u find someone dat will giv u the wings to soar and i hope the person decides to fly wit u. i hope u find someone dat really deserves u as much as u deserve em. 



i hope u find dat person.







gdnyte.
















it's been awhile since words hav found me
the time between - u'll come and go
i'd grown to love the stars and sun around me
i've been a stranger to my woe



it's been so long since there was silence
- all around me, ur voice had rung
like a bird who sings, to greet the morning
to tell u dat the day has come



it's been some time since i've felt lonely
like a book dat is - no longer read
the darkness lingers on, w/o u
it fills my empty heart wit hatred
wit dread



it seems an age ago - since u hav left me
time has filled me, wit words unsaid
as the sadness seeps into me slowly
and i am left to face the nite ahead.



goodnyte.











Thursday, June 16, 2016

u deserve.

















u deserve spontaneous road trips - where u walk and talk for hours, and u dun even remember wat it was about. but darn u knw it was the best conversation ever.



u dun deserve someone who makes u driving and travelling for hours, taxing ur time - jst to see em. its about meeting the other person half way. the effort - as it is. and if u get half way and the person isnt there - instead of walking the same distance to meet em, u'll be doin urself a favor - if u turn around.



u deserve never spending ur birthday alone and not having to wish for anythg b'coz the reality in which dis person has created - is greater than any fairy tale.



u deserve ur favorite candy, u can eat guiltlessly. u deserve ur life, a live it well. 



not someone who makes u feel bad for it.







we r all the same.

















sometimes i wonder where all the love went
the way we treat one another
it jst doesnt make any sense
wat makes us think dat we can judge each other?
ur aint God. ur aint any good.
it drives me nuts
i feel like i'm bein smothered.


saying hateful thgs and thinking it's a joke
u knw i cld like em down, but i rather not.
coz no, i've had it.
and say no more.


we gotta consider seein ppl for wat they r really worth
so instead of makin em hate themselves -
and wanting to escape dis life, and world
realize - thgs u say do hurt
and stop killing wit ur fuckin words.


we r all got blood running thru our veins
and in the end we r all the same
u. and me. everybdy.
we r souls. our bodies in the grave,


so why put each other thru even more pain?
we r only human, for fuck sake.








..

















goodbye, echo. i hope the world is way better to u than it was, to me. i hope the future will be brighter and it is, when it was, wit me. 


and i wish u well.







Monday, June 13, 2016

i miss u.
















i am not saying i knw u better than anyone else.

i'm saying i knw better than anyone else wat it's like to miss u.
and i do miss u..




Saturday, May 7, 2016

..



















i cant remember wat it felt like to be in love wit u. i jst knw dat somethg's missing.


and i gez there's no point in me saying 'i miss u'.
(but i miss u).

















nthg.














u dun knw?


we were all told dat we'd be somethg and some of us believed it - and we believed it so much dat we did nthg, and so we never became anythg.









sigh.











..












everyone forgets how to fall asleep sometimes.
u jst need to put yr head on the pillow, and breathe out like ur giving up.


like ur giving up.







Thursday, April 21, 2016

hi!





hi there;



how ur doin? hope ur doin jst fine. me - i am good. never been better. been bz, i gez i choose to be dat way. i've been busy and i am not goin to complain about it. 


as u can see - it's been quite some time since i really do write. dis coupla years been tough for me - life, work. study and such. after all - they never been easy pun. i hav loads to tell, but i prefer to lay low dis time around. i started to lose the joy in sharing thgs i gez - i prefer to keep it to myself nowadays. better be dat way. i've sharing thgs tp ada plak yg ckp i am livin sucha pathetic live. hahahaha.. biarlah. kesian pun ada wit dis kinda ppl. but hey, u said i am writing crap - y ur reading dis? hahaha


its how u define urself, to define others sebenarnya. moga Allah tunjuk jln to u then. ha ha


and i am started losing joy workin in ere dah pun. the environment - so many factors keep urgin me sayin dat aku tak berkembang pun. static. status quo. i knw i am better than jst dis. perhaps i new i need some new thgs in life. new environment. new faces. new challenges in life.


wont be long. i knw.


u be good! cu gais.








Saturday, January 30, 2016

-the end-






i knw its over before she says
i knw it falls at the water face
i knw its over, and ocean awaits - for the storm


the ssun and snow
rivers and rain
crystal bal cld forsee a change
and i knw its over, parting our ways
and its done


but din we hav fun?
dun say it was all a waste
din we hav fun?


from the top of the world
top of the waves
u said forever, forever always
we cld hav been lost
we cld hav been saved
and i


now we r stoppin the world, stoppin its spin
o c'mon dun giv up
u see me giv in
dun say its over
dun say we r done
din we hav fun?


i knw its over, before she says
now someone else has takes ur place
i knw its over, Icarus says - to the sun
and so it sinks in, lightning strikes
ur too forced to force his glide
the fact dat its over, the fact dat its done


din we hav fun?
dun say it was all a waste
din we hav fun?


from the top of the world
top of the waves
u said forever, forever always
we cld hav been lost
we cld hav been saved
and, i..


now we r stoppin the world, stopped it in its tracks
nthg too broken to find our back
so before its over, before u run
and din we hav fun?


jst u and me, u and me
we were always meant to, always meant to
u and me, u and me
we were always meant to, always meant to
u and me, u and me
we were always meant to, always meant to


din we hav fun?


but din?
maybe we cld again.





fun
- coldplay feat tevo lo.






Tuesday, January 26, 2016

2cents.







as the time goes by, and as the age change - i learn a lot of thg. i learn to giv up on thgs i dun like, i learn to let go even more. i learn to giv in on thgs dat i hate as well. theres no fighting on thgs dat'd never bring u good. i learn to love even more. i seek to understnd ppl even better. and understand myself way better.


i jst dun wanna waste my time. on thgs dat doesnt worth my time. i jst dun hav such energy to spend on such, anymore.


but if i wanted somethg, or if i knw i am right - i'll stand up well.


i learn to be nice to others, and respect ppls' feelings, choices and thoughts as well. theres no use to stand ur stance in the name of 'expressing ur self' when at the end of the day - ppl will leave alone and left u wit nthg - except wit ur go-to-hell-wit-ur-expressing-ur-self kinda thang. no man is an island - u cant stand alone in dis whole world. we need one another - and dat is the scariest fact - but dats the way life is. unless ur Schizophrenic, or Schizoid Personality (or perhaps, Schizotypal) - u go figure dat out. perhaps dat'd giv u sort of insight. i learn to watch out on words i wanna say for u never knw - one day, u mght need to lick em all up back again. and u dun want dat. Allah is Great - u gotta remember dat.



i learn to let go a lot. if i dun like u, if u mess wit me, if u stress me up - i'll leave u behind. life is so freaking short to deal wit all dis kinda creepy thgs/ppl, and i dun wanna waste my time. i stop forcing myself to like someone -if i jst cant. and i dun mind if u dun either, coz dats choices in life. if u think ur so bloody smart, and i am a dump - hey, go fly kite - for everybdy knws if ur damn fuckin smart enuff - ur not supposed to be wat and who ur now. u shld be somewhere else.


or perhaps - someone else.


i learn to forgive and forget. i learn to realize dat ppl around u is unique in a special kind - u shld never expect they'll think the way u do, and vice versa. and i learn to tell thgs out properly - if it is pain in the arse and makes u losing ur sleep. keeping thgs and hoping ppl will read ur mind is sucha bulshyte - we r human being. we r born as one - no body cld read ur fuckin mind. ur no witch, bitch. trust me.


dats the fact.


and i learn to go easy on thgs. i stop being over-analyzing about shyte in life - it'd bring u no good. it'd add on ur physical diseases even more, and effect ur mental health as well. unless u'd love ppl to knw u as a sociopath, darn dat'd be somethg else. ppl will hate u bcoz ur over-critical attitude, and ur sickening judgment. i learn to give and take. i dun expect ppl to understand me - even if i try to explain myself. u dun hav to understand me pun - its ok. and u dun hav to love me - if u dun feel like too.


go fuck urself wit ur super duper excellent thoughts - for it doesnt mean a thg to me. as long as i knw wat i am doing, as long as i knw who i am - i dun to submit to u. ur not my parents - i need not to explain shyte to u. and - yes, i dun explain. dats jst me. u cant live wit dat - go fuck urself. i find to be more stress-free when i stop to giv a flyin fuck, seriously. if u think ur way superior then others - darn u shld hav a break and look into urself - coz ur suffering of a serious low self-esteem kinda problem, luar nampak bagus dlm hancur kinda shyte. and dats the way it is. 


u mght think i am being selfish - but hey, dat's life. u gotta love urself well, and then only u knw how to love others well. love u to love others. if u dun love urself well, if u dun even knw urself well - get out of here.. dun keep coming back and tell me u love me - coz u knw nohtg.


and yes - i am not a witch. i dun read ur mind. make me understand if u wanted to be understood. otherwise - u can opt a choice to keep mum. its a matter of choices, to choose - in life. choose either one - and i am ok wit it.


and yes - respect others, to respect urself. and respect urself, to respect others.


btw - i'll be a year older in coupla days to come. 


and i am glad.




---




will be out of town for a lil while, trow. u take care. and hav a good crash ppl!


nunyte!








Monday, January 18, 2016

tahniah.







had a good news dis morning - and i am glad. darn i am proud. i gez, who wldnt. 


yet at the same time, i gez i'll get back to the same ol'days. the questions ppl expecting to hav the answer, the obligation in providing some answers u knw u dun hav any. i knw i hav to answer to nobdy - but sometimes, u jst wish ppl wld think the way u think, and ppl wld understand wat kinda shyte ur goin thru.


when it come to dis all - i had no choice left - but to keep thgs to myself. i knw if open up my mouth and share dis - it ended up it become worst and it is not helping at all. all i need is someone to jst listen and giv me sort of nice, pamper words - no, u dun hav to settle thgs for me for i knw it is leading to nowhere.


but to answer me in return and put ur shyte on me - while all i wanna do is to share my problems - i'd rather seal my mouth and suffer alone.


 i gez all dat i can do is 'berlapang dada'. bersyukur dgn apa yg ada, and enjoy wat's in for me. i am sure there r a lot of ppl out there wit no luck like me, or even worst. i jst hav to be grateful and never, ever comparing myself wit others.


but sometimes - words r easily said, rather be done.


sigh.









Wednesday, January 13, 2016

gd morning!












"it's the now dat matters", as someone told me. not trow. not yesterday.



so remember - today, u can make a difference. u've done it so many times before and u can do it again. today is full of posite possibilities for u to weigh it down wit excuses (of coz), or hesitation, or doubt - as usual. but then again - u knw wat will push ur life forward today - so jst go ahead and ge on wit it. 


taking actions can be difficult. uncomfortable. risky and complicated. but none of those thgs r as painful as the regret u'll hav to live wit if u fail to make the most of dis day. in all of time, in all the universe, there is not - never has been and never will be another person jst like u. darn ur rite here, rite now to add sthg unique to life - sthg only u can do - so, jst do it dammit.


let urself feel the sense of purpose dat rises from ur core. fulfill dat purpose by gettin urself up, gettin out there, and gettin urself in motion. dis is a beautiful, unique day - and u can make it even more so. 



act on possibilities, and enjoy the experience of the new luxurious flowing out from ur action!



hav a good Wet-nesday, gais!



Tuesday, January 12, 2016

you.















and no group of ppl, is as important as single person. 
theres no em dat's more important than a u.







hi!










salam. selamat pg. it's alrdy 7.50am - and i am alrdy in the ofc.


not it is not early - i usually here in the ofc way earlier. the jam is bad. the ppl on the road causing the jam r way worst. and i gez i jst hav to bear wit it la kot. i knw u've been listening to the same shyte again and again - from me. eh, kalo tak nak trap in the jam - ko jalan kaki lah. mcm tu. 


bodoh.


eh, i dun mean to jadi negatif pun. hahahaha.. it was jst sthg dat i hav to face every morning. ni baru an ulu part of Ipoh. blum the Ipoh itself. and leave alone to compare it dgn KL. hahaha.. and aku dah berjela2 merungut, eh? erm, not good. not good.


teaching hours start to pour in. kinda penat jugak nak schedule semua benda in one time. jadual travel tgk students, meetings, courses, teachings et al. tp biasa dah - awal2 neh bley swing swing balls.


---


sorry - i rushed to the class jst now. tak perasan kelas at 9am - was thinking it is goin to be at 11am je.. hahahaha.. rupanya 9 to 10, 11 to 1. haih. anyway - i am done wit the 1st hour on Neurosis - Anxiety d/o, Psychosexual d/o and Personality d/o. kinda huge, broad topics - cramped into 3hrs. huhu.. but it is ok - been used to it. long as i can giv em the clear pic about the whole shyte, giv em loads of examples - and let em ask more q's - i think it is goin to be good enuf.


break time. nak kuar mkn yet malas. baham pe yg ada je. thank God since pg tadi aku dah tapau kueh sket. and Yus - erm, Yus skang dah kena demam Diwale. seriously aku tak faham. maybe aku belum tgk. maybe aku tak akan tgk pun. maybe it's not my genre, at all. so bila time2 mcm ni - Fina, Yus dok lepak having a break and bukak Diwale - aku rasa nak sawan. hahahaha..


apa yg best sgt dgn Diwale neh eh? blergkh.


aku remember Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham (abaikan spelling - aku tau salah, and aku dun giv a fcuk.. haha). the 'fever' ppl had wit these two movies. aku tak tgk pun, serious. tp ada jgk tgk sket2 since they played on the idiotbox. and aku remember gelak my arse off since mak and kak ngah nanges mcm nak rak watching these two movies. and i had a good laugh - wit Haziq ofkoz. but then again - Diwale may not be my thang, but i respect u if ur fallen for it anyway.


no. i wont laugh. ur thang might not be my thang. and my thang shldnt be ur thang. who knows, dok dgr Yus pasang lagu Janam Janam Janam jadah semua like everyday, tetiber aku plak yg over. caneh? hahahaha


ok lah. nak pi pantry. need a coffee for a break. 


hav a good day ahead, ppl!