Wednesday, September 30, 2015

ink-blot.












tell me wat u see - when u fold my heart in paper, crush it, open the pages again.
again and again.








reflection.











there is an innocent , but selfish part of u dat wants to be love and be loved b'coz u knw - being loved will make u want to be worthy of being loved.


there is a part of u dat jst wants to see the kinda person u cld be - thru someone else's eyes.






where else?










2nd days in here, trow i shall be leaving back since thgs r about to finish wit all the modules things.they will kick dis Adv. Dip of Mental Health by next year in March insha Allah - and i'll be involve in TOT by end of the year. i seriously wanted to get dis done - once for all, i've been hooked on dis for years now, and i am literally tired. 


and travelling up here, dealing wit the same shyte and all the rest - is like a never ending thg for me. i jst wanna stay put and do my thgs well. they've listed my name as one of those to run the whole thang, and i am glad of dat alhamdulillah.


for the past 2 nites, i've been spending time doin my own thgs, reports and some thinking - life, work, and so-called running in the same circle thang - ur getting tired mentally, physically. 


and i'll change - for thgs change. ppl change. 


darn i wont standing still.







Tuesday, September 22, 2015

..









These four lonely walls have changed the way I feel
The way I feel, I'm standing still
And nothing else matters now, you're not here
So where are you? I've been callin' you, I'm missin' you.

Where else can I go? Where else can I go?
Chasing you, chasing you
Memories turn to dust, please don't bury us
I got you, I got you

Runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin'
Runnin', runnin', runnin'
Ain't runnin' from myself no more
Together we'll win it all

I ain't runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin'
Runnin', runnin', runnin'
Ain't runnin' from myself no more
I'm ready to face it all

If I lose myself, I lose it all

I fell from the fear that chased me - standing still
I'm running still, I'm running still
And every voice that cries inside my head, forever drives
Forever drives, into lights

Where else can I go? Where else can I go?
Chasing you, chasing you
Runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin'
Runnin', runnin', runnin'
Ain't runnin' from myself no more
Together we'll win it all

I ain't runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin'
Runnin', runnin', runnin'
Ain't runnin' from myself no more
I'm ready to face it all

If I lose myself, I lose it all
If I, if I lose myself, I lose it all

If I lose myself, I lose it all
If I lose myself, I lose it all




Runnin' (Lose It All)
- Naughty Boy ft. Beyonce & Arrow Benjamin.




---



u need no other words to explain. it is all there.
pathetic, no? 





Salam Eid'ul Adha 1436.









Tuesday, September 15, 2015

..









i yelled shyte out again to the stdnts, today. perhaps i did dat for a concrete reason - perhaps not. but u imagine - the exam shld be started at 10.30am, 10.40am - i had like 8 of them still around out there, ntah mana2 ntah.


and 10.50am, still dtg dua org - dgn selamba ke dpn, and asking for the scripts. ofkoz - i cld jst let them sit for it. but semua org tau - dis is an exam - unless u had somethg so urgent dan prevent u to be on the dot, dat wld be somethg else. ni tidak. aku tak bley terima such excuses like tertidur, kat asrama and such - while u knw everybdy in here dok tunggu ko to kick off wit the paper. masa aku affected, masa org lain pun affected - jst bcoz of ur silly, self-centered nyer excuses.


i yell out loud, and i kept my hand dlm pocket so it wont go flying and singgah muka dorg. but i was so angry, so pissed-off. i was trembling. perhaps diorg baru Sem 1 and dah buat taik. perhaps despite of so many reminders - dorg still mcm tu. apa yg dorg nak? wat r they tryin to prove?


Yus told me she was so scared seeing me like dat. she never see me like, yes. and lately.. sigh.


perhaps aku stress. perhaps aku so fucked up wit so many thgs dat i am ventilating it out not right. the facts dat aku sgt2 pentingkan punctuality, time, urgency and respect others well r somethg else, and the facts dat there ro so many shitty thang in - cld be whole thang contributin to my fcukin unkind kinda attitude.


dis is not me. i knw.


the haze is getting worst. at least t'hari ni much better lah sket. aku dah mula perit tekak, dah few days i skipped the run, and done wit work late in the afternoon. by nite - aku dah penat, yet there r somethgs tak settle. time management? tell me about it.


---


i used to be a guy who wld never giv up, at anythg at all. if i want somethg, i'll go for it. and i'll make sure dat particular thg wild remain to be mine, at any cause. but now - i am losing the grip. i rather be a coward and let thgs off hand. i feel tired, and i jst dun knw wat to do. 


perhaps i am a coward.


a loser.









Sunday, September 13, 2015

..







had a good day today. basically it was all in, i was staying put thru out the day. cancelled my routine up to Kledang like the other Sundays, aku went to the gym instead. came back - basuh all the kereta, scoot and did some gardening. and i cook for lunch as well. a simple one, dat is.


managed to get rid settle some of the internship reports (i still had a lot in store) and i did some reading. there r a few book on the rack i bought few months back yet to touch pun - and i came up wit some 'resolution' to read all of em - at least a book for a month. i had a nap. a good one. woke up at 5pm, i did some cooking again - a plain Maggi goreng wit telur mata, and bilis pedas. darn i feel fat.


Maghrib and i got myself prepared for trow. esok Isnin, stdnts akan start sit for their Peperiksaan Pertengahan Semester - which means, cycle of busy-ness for me will start again. 









Embedded image permalink





i gez i need to occupied myself then.









Saturday, September 12, 2015

to let go.






to let go does not mean to stop caring
it means i cant do it for someone else
to let go is not to cut urself off
its the realization i cant control another
to let go is not to enable
but allow learning from natural consequences
to let go is to admit powerlessness - which means
the outcome is not in my hands


to let go is not try to change or blame another
its to make the most of myself
to let go is not to care for -
but to care about
to let go is not to fix
but to be supportive
to let go is not to judge
- but to allow another to be a human being


to let go is not to be protective
its to permit abother to face reality
to let go is not to deny
- but to accept


to let go is not to nag, scold or argue
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them
to let go is not to adjust everythg to my desires
but to take each day as it comes and cherish urself in it
to let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody
but to try to become wat u dream u can be


to let go is not to regret the past
but to grow and live for the future.


to let go is to fear less, and love more.















Thursday, September 3, 2015

new ground.






last day in here. by trow afternoon, aku and Shidi will leave for Ipoh and shall cont wit life as usual - in and out of the ofc mcm selalu. and after dis, life will be on the fast track as usual - mid-sem dah nak start and by the time the mid-term is over, final will sets in w'in coupla weeks. and aku - as usual akan tunggang langgang - now wit the internship, concurrently as well.


aku in a bit of stress lately. at least dat is wat i can say. work, study, life - so many thgs all in, in one time. and as usual - any smallest, unnecessary benda yg tambah serabut kepala aku - i'll react hell and regret after dat. but not all - few r better dat way - i jumped, and i dun mind stayin dat way.


btw - i learnt a lot w'in these 2 days dlm kursus. terms in keje aku officially and such. and being in Penang tp tak pi mana2 pun (except Line Clear nasik kandar - tu pun Shidi yg beriya ajak), aku feel kinda waste. tp nak kuar, and aku sorang - darn i'd prefer stay in. dat is was i did for the past 2 days. stayin in the room and get an enough sleep. 


chance like dis is hard to come. once i do hav - better of aku tdo puas2.


---


i wanted to write more. about my feeling, my thoughts. but i started to think it is not worth of doing so - u write, and u jdge. u judge and jump into conclusions. and the end of the day, it is my who'd get the blame, and it is me yg salah and tak betul. 


and i starting to write somewhere else, too now. jst exactly the way when i started writing in dis blog - stayin anonymously unknown where i can write all shyte and vent out everythg in my head/heart - and i dun care if anyone'd read it, for they din knw me and i write at ease.


i find it to be even better, free and i find sort of liberation in it. one day - when i'd get comfortable there, i mght be switching completely, and put dis blog into an end. who knws?