Thursday, July 30, 2015

the rules.










here's wat u dun say;


"i sometimes wonder if the universe is a movie and its really all bout me".


and u too dun say, "i am still competing wit everyone i competed wit, as a child". or, "i fall in love a lil wit everythg".


u never say, "i think everyone else knws s'thg dat i dun knw", or "i knw more than u do". 


and "i can be distracted when ur not here, but not happy". and dun ever say, "i jst want u to cry like i cried". and "i want u to feel exactly how i feel".


u never say the most important thgs. dats the rule.







yawn.







perhaps aku jumped outta bed on the wrong side of the bed, dis morning. aku seriously need some help - aku tak dak mood nak keje ari neh. for no reason. yes. for no apparent reason. supposedly kelas at 2pm, Penyelaras mintak aku cover at 8am since sthg is up. and aku ok. tp pg tadi, dah nak walk up to the academic, aku was informed kelas aku tunda at 10. 


bitch. 


so here i am duduk kat tempat aku listening to some lame musics. doin some marking bdk2 ney clerking case neh. dah few times hantar still buat salah yg sama. aku muak. aku had one thg in mind - aku rasa nak balik rumah and tdo. but then dat wldnt be rite.



Amer ajak aku kuar minum - unfortunately aku puasa. dah hari ke 4. syg plak nak bocor jst like dat. so aku had to declined nicely. sian plak Amer.



bahu aku rasa sore. post-gym smlm la neh kot. lama giler tak pi gym, semlm tiber2 aku muncul kat gym yg penuh dgn stdnts tu and all the stdnts was like 'eh, Sir Shah..', 'Sir Shah' dis and dat. all i did was aku sumbat earphones to both of my ears and did my thang. i had only one hr to workout and i seriously had no time to socialize.



ok. poyo.



argkh. babi. aku bosan.









when u..














when u love the last good thing.
when u love and forget every important thing u were going to say.
and when u love and forget everything.






Tuesday, July 21, 2015

tikus. kucin. Zombie.







if it is not for the 2 hrs dat i am having today for the class, i'll definitely smbg cuti raya aku. tak ramai pun keje ari neh - it was like those yg keje r those yg ada hours of teaching je. the rest - semua cuti. all the kucings pun cuti. parking lot masing2 kosong. i bet all the tikus jap lagi pun go missing lah. as the pepatah goes, "kucing tadak, tikus pun berlari-lari". gtew.



it is raining. sgt lebat. reminds me of rumah mak. and bubur durian - aku lupa nak tapau balik Ipoh. the worst part - aku sempat mkn 2 mangkuk je smlm, since teher were so many choices of foods, to choose. and aku hilang arah. tadi dlm fmly group WhatsApp, kak ngah ckp dia pi maternal check-up. and balik dia nak masak lemak rebung. and i was like.. fuck. bley tak aku balik rumah mak, like NOW?? dammit.


Soleh on MC. demam. tp semlm ratah ayam bbq semcm je aku tgk. cuma around midnite he asked me for some medication since dia ckp bdn tak sedap. nak demam. kak yang - aku wonder wat she is up to. knwg her and her hubby - mesti ada plan. abg cik and fmly they'll be leaving for Jitra by afternoon kalo tak silap. since esok si along Hasif and Sarah dah start skol.


5 mins to go. i think i shld start marching up to the Academic Building now. i hope i wont be taking to a bunch of Zombies lah. tho i knw there is a big possibility, hell yes. 


tak pa lah. literally aku pun Zombie jugak ari neh. kita gang.


haih.





Monday, July 20, 2015

abah;








assalamualaikum abah.


along think by now abah pun dah tau - along went to kubur abah pagi tadi. awal pagi. lepas Subuh, sembang2 jap dgn mak - kak yang sibuk nak prepare bekpes - along mandi and blah terus pi kubur. kena pi awal. kalo tak nanti budak2 dah bgun pakat2 nak ikut - payah. tu pun along bwk Damia, acik and angah. at least dorg bley tlg bersihkan kubur abah. and senang kawal since masing2 dah besar. along stay for a while, doakan yg terbaik utk abah - semoga Allah hindarkan fitnah kubur dan api neraka dr abah, moga Allah letak abah bersama2 para ambia' dan mereka2 yg beriman. along doakan juga agar Allah janjikan syurga utk abah. 


after like an hour - along balik. mmg seblm pi mak gesa suruh along stay for a while and had my breakfast first - since ramai, nanti tak sempat nak mkn dah abes. tp along ckp tak pe, along pi sat je. and balik - mak dah reserve some nasik goreng utk along as a breakfast. wonderful, it is.


abah,


semlm mak ajak kami semua pi Taiping. mak ckp mak nak beraya rumah anak2 sedara mak kat sana, melawat makcik and semua sedara sebelah abah jugak as usual. mak ckp kalo mak tak pi, mmg sah2 dorg tak akan amek port or amek any initiative utk dtg ziarah mak. kami tak ckp pe2 pun, jst ikut je. w'pun along tau - semua kami lima beranak kongsi the same thought and feeling - we hate of goin there again and again every year God sake. we hate being so freaking nice to some bunch of ppl yg tak pernah tahu nak appreciate org. and never learn. plus, tak reti bahasa. tiap2 thn kita je buat muka tak malu pusing rumah dorg and seeing them pretend as if everythg is ok. tp sebab mak - we jst go ahead. dis is the only time utk mak gather up anak2 and pi rumah2 sedara sebelah mak and abah. or else, she knws dat we r not gonna go there. for sure.


tp dah smpai Taiping, mak ckp tak pyh pi. mak ajak balik je. mak ajak pi lunch kat town and str8 home. mak tak bagi apa2 alasan pun, jst dat mak ckp - jom la balik.. again, kami tak ckp pe2. abg cik nampak mcm nak tnya mcm2, tp kak yang cpt2 ckp kita ikut je la.. me? aku jst ikut mak je. lagi bagus.


no wonder s'pjg jln mak diam je. must be a lot in mind. i wish i cld read her mind. but knwing mak - she's so damn good in keep thgs to herself. and she wont tell if she dun want to. otw balik - along tnya mak if she's ok or not. and mak ckp, mak ok. mak nak balik and masak2 so dat bley mkn ramai2. mak senyum. and  i didnt ask her anythg dah after dat.


pg tadi abah, kami balik Kubu Gajah. Soleh dah start keje ari neh. so - along, abg ngah and abg uda we gotong royong kemaskan kebun abah sket. cucu2 abah - acik, angah, Aleeya and Husne pakat2 dok kait buah limau bali abah. sakan berbuah skang, abah. byk sgt. abah ingat tak kecik2 dulu abah suruh along and kak ngah, tiap2 petang kena siram pokok2 kat kebun tu? skang dah besar2, dan berbuah bagai. rambutan pun dah berbuah. kak yang happy tgk buah noni abah byk berbuah. dlm fmly kita, kak yang je yg sgt giler dgn buah noni. she's so into all dis anti-oxidant siap buat air minum et al. euw.


kami singgah rumah Chu, abah. rumah adik bongsu abah yg tinggal ujung line lot rumah kita tu. Chu tadak, dia pi dialysis. menantu dia cerita yg Chu dah siap ke Sik segala on hari raya, tp tak pun singgah rumah mak. mak terdiam. berubah muka mak. and so did we. aku geram, nak je maki. smpai ke Sik raya rumah sedara yg bau2 bacang, tp rumah adik abang ko sendiri tak smpai pulak. w'pun CRF both kidney, tp perangai tak ubah2 dr dulu. ckp main lepas. kurang ajar dgn mak. anak2 dia pun sama. tp mak - being mak - mak ttp mak. diam dan sabar. tetap tunjuk muka w'pun semlm dah kensel pi rumah sedara etc. and aku? aku plak yg sakit jiwa.


ot balik Bagan Serai, mak cerita kat along dlm kete kenapa mak decided tak nak pi raya rumah sedara mara sebelah mak and sebelah abah. mak kecik hati. kali ni mak nekad. mak ckp, kalo dorg ingat mak, dorg dtg lah. kalo tak, mak ckp mak tak kisah pun. mak ckp mak tak kisah. w'pun sumpah, along tau sgt - mak kisah. angah pun ada ckp kat along yg opah selalu bgun tgh2 mlm, nanges. nanges sebab rindu abah. nanges sebab fikir adik beradik mak, adik beradik abah yg treat mak mcm sampah. mcm tak wujud dlm dunia ni.


along jst dengar. and sabar kan mak. kalo along nak tuang minyak - bley je anytime. along benci dorg2 semua tu like no words can describe. along ingat how they treated us waktu kami still kecik2 - each time balik Taiping - mcm pendatang. mcm orang asing. walhal kat rumah tok sendiri. tok pun tak ckp pe. sama lah - tok sebelah mak and tok sebelah abah. jst b'coz abah a bit religious, and mak abah had their own way in raising us up. along ingat Chu siap sorok lauk pauk dlm lemari, and ckp kami kuat mkn and nanti org lain tak sempat nak mkn. dpn mak. tp mak diam je. mak senyum and ckp kat kami, mkn2 elok. baca Bismillah. along tak sure abah tau ke tak. tp along ingat smpai skang. and kat rumah tok sebelah mak pun sama - jst b'coz along dan adik2 solat Maghrib sama2 like we always do kat rumah, and ngaji Quran after dat - Pak Tam made fun of us. Mak Cik ckp mak t'lalu harsh on us. nanti kami m'bsr terencat tak mcm kanak2 lain. mak diam. berair mata mak. along ingat lagi.


tp abah, look at us now. and look at them all, right now. alhamdulillah fmly kita tak dak yg drug addict, tadak yg lintang pukang fmly bercerai bagai. tak dak yg kurang ajar dgn mak masing2 and halau mak keluar rumah. mak abah tak getting old as grumpy old ppl, tak puas hati segala. kak yang and abg cik dah lepas ther Doctorate, adik dah keje as well. me - as usual. kak ngah - she'll be getting one more son soon, and Haziq wont be the 'adik' anymore. and us - we r so close together dat i keep telling mak again and again - if we happen not to hav them all as sedara mara, it is ok. mak has us. anak2 mak. it better then sakit hati dgn gelagat sedara mara yg tak kenang budi, tak make any change sama ada dorg wujud ke tidak.


Pak Tam and fmly raya di Taiping, dah sampai merata2 dgn Mak Cik and fmly, tp rumah adik dia yg tak jauh mana ni tak sampai2. Chu pun sama. sama jgk Pak Su adik abah tu. Pak Su siap pi rumah Chu smlm, tp tak pulak singgah rumah mak - w'pun otw je. sumpah - ni bukan pasal beraya ke apa. ni pasal respect. abah anak sulong, and adik2, anak2 menakan kurang ajar. mak anak bongsu and her adik beradik treated her like piece of shyte.


abah,


seriously along penat dgn benda2 neh. taip thn same old shyte. along tak pernah ngeluh kat mak, tp adik2 tau since kami shared the tot and feeling together. along takut kalo bgtau mak, mak sedih. mak - mcm abah jugak - sgt2 pentingkan silaturrahim. adik beradik. mak nak hubungan sedara mara kekal, let alone apa yg diorg dah pernah buat kat kita all dis while. mak - mcm yg abah tau - pasrah. berserah. mak selalu bgtau mak tak pernah lupa berdoa agar dorg berubah. and at the mean time - mak, dan anak2 mak kena tunjuk contoh yg baik. baik dgn sedara mara, no matter how bad they treat u in return.


but abah - being me, i jst cant. ofkoz along tak akan menjawab dan kurang ajar dgn mak. or buat mak sakit hati etc. tp along retaliate diam2. passive aggressive. along believe dorg neh took thgs for granted. and along believe someone has to teach em a lesson or two, and let em sedar diri. tp along jst dun knw how. 


if one day mak dah tak de - and dats it. no more all dis shyte. ada ke, tak der ke dorg2 neh - sama je. nyusahkan. along tau abah kecik hati dgn adik bradik abah dr dulu lagi, but u never tell. u never show.


but let us show them then.


along harap mak kuat. definitely mak akan tunggu dorg dtg beraya, for sure. and knwg them - they never giv a flyin fuck for sure. mak ended up akan terus mkn hati, and bangun solat tgh2 mlm and nanges. mak sunyi. mak dah tak dak abah. mak ada adik bradik, tp buat mak mcm tak wujud.


tp abah, mak ada abah. w'pun abah dah tinggal kan kami. mak ada kami. along, kak ngah, abg cik, kak yang and Soleh. and along tau - it is a huge, big responsibility to make sure mak tak sedih, tak sunyi all the time. and along bertggjwb pd mak on all dis. tggjwb pd adik2 to make sure they realize dis, as well. tp tak pe. wit all dis years yg ada, along akan buat yg terbaik. mak je yg kami ada pun. after abah left us. 


mak je tmpt kami tumpang rasa, kongsi kasih. tak dak mak, tak dak la kami. tak dak abah, along tak tau watever happens to us for sure.


esok pagi2 along balik Ipoh. dah keje. mlm ni kak ngah nak buat BBQ. abg ngah sponsor ayam segala. kak yang buat bubur durian - she knws along tak bley blah dgn durian mentah, tp dgn bubur durian - i can go crazy. Soleh pun akan smpai kejap lagi. dr pg dia dok WhatsApp ckp dok teringat rumah et al. hahaha


abah,


along akan dtg jumpak abah lagi nanti, ya? lama along tak mimpi abah. 



along rindu.












Sunday, July 19, 2015

Selamat Hari Ra-ra!














owh, seblm aku continue rambling and merepek - aku'd like to wish everybody Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri 1436M, Maaf Zahir dan Batin. maafkan lah ye, salah silap aku, tutur kata aku, perilaku yg tak elok etc. i knw it's alrdy 3rd raya pun - but  believe it's never too late for such pun.


thn ni raya cuti agak limited. aku start cuti raya pun last Tue., since sampai ke ptg Tue tu still ada kelas. w'pun stndts still ada kelas on the Wed., tp aku cannot stayed anymore. tak aku dah kat kg - tho aku kept telling the stdnts so - apparently aku plak yg over. Tues ptg aku shld balik kg dah - tp since perihal kereta aku tak siap2 jugak.. finally pg Wed baru bertolak balik kg. aku expected there'll massive jam la kot on Wed itself - alhamdulillah, jam sket2. byk kete tp bergerak alrite. or perhaps since aku gerak ke Pantai Timur - so jam tak la mcm if u nak gerak balik Utara.


but then again - the experience driving balik ke Pantai Timur was sthg else. as usual - seriously aku dun mind at all driving in KL or Penang.. tp to Kelantan - it is sthg else. the drivers can be very very rude,ruthless. inconsiderate. especially dorg nampak plate kete ko as 'org luar'. i am not trying to be bad in here, but dats the fact. they dun hav to drive kereta plate "D" sthg - ko tgk dorg drive pun ko dah tau. phewww.. scary hell.


but then again - aku survived.


tp apa2 lah - aku dah kat Bagan Serai. rumah mak. where i belong. dgn adik2 aku, mak etc. nbdy else. mak was glad, i can see dat. kak ngah dah sarat - she told me it cld be a boy. boy lagik? mati lar.. hahahaha.. she alrdy had like 3 boys and 1 gal; incldng my lil Haziq. abg cik - mcm selalu. paling slo-mo. semlm aku, kak yang dr Shah Alam semua dah smpai - he's from Jitra was last to smpai. Jitra je kot. maybe jam la kot. or maybe it was his nature. aku dah siap mandi makan mandi makan mandi and makan again - dia and fmly baru nak kuar rumah b'tolak. mak mula2 mmg tensen - tp mak dah used to it. ha ha


kak yang - wit her gelong-ness. the only adik bradik yg tune kepala sama dgn aku. shes kinda mother yg 'biar la budak2 tu.. biar dorg nak buat apa.. bukan selalu jumpak adik bradik' kinda thang, and anak2 dia jerit2 mcm anak ponti time Maghrib. and surely mak sawan. hahaha.. both cik and yang dah 'Dr' skang, yet kepala otak senget. sthg yg aku treasure in em both. Soleh - he is celebrating his last raya a a bachelor now. hahaha.. and last duit raya for him dis year around. next year dah tarak. next year anak2 sedara aku q dpn dia mintak smpul duit raya. and i'll be throwing fit laughin out loud to him, for sure. hehe


and one thg is missing - abah. ujg bulan ni genap 3 thn abah tinggal kan kami. raya w/o his presence is whole different kinda experience. the hole in u, when u used to hav him around. frankly, mmg raya dgn abah or not is not much of different - since abah love to kept thgs to himself all the time.. tp Subuh tanpa dia, takbir raya tanpa abah, salam raya tanpa abah.. sigh. dat was sthg else. aku rindu kan abah. and i am sure semua adik2 aku, mak feel the same way too. 


jst dat we refused to talk about it.


mak decided nak ke Taiping. w'pun semlm dia ckp tak mau pi. and us adik bradik dun feel like too. tp mak tau - kalo mak tak pi jmpak kakak2 dia and anak2 sedara dia - ndby wld do dat. for they cldnt care less. 


aku malas. tp one thg about me - aku will never say 'no' to mak. haih.


---


btw - Selamat Hari Raya. for those yg dah start nak balik ke kandang masing2, drive safe. ingat org tersyg. or kalo ko jns syg diri sendiri and tak peduli hati dan perasan org lain - haa.. ko ttp kena drive elok2. fikir diri sendiri - susah sng kalo ko t'lantar kat spital etc.


enjoy ur rendang guys! and take care.









Sunday, July 12, 2015

news?








 Image result for good and bad news







the good news. and the bad news. let's start wit the bad one first.


the bad news is - ur choices and intentions - some ppl and places, those nites spent awake wit all shytes in ur head and all u've done; can lead u to the bottom if the pit.


but the good news is - dis wldnt be the first time someone's crawled, tooth and nail, outta hell.


and blame me for not lettin u knw the good one first.



Sun-day kot.







woke up at the chirping sound of the birds at the window pane. sound mcm dlm movie plak, but dats the way it is. i wasnt 'wake up' literally pun - i cldnt sleep the whole nite. imagine by 11pm aku dah ngantuk, tp tak bley tdo - aku went outside and did a bit of gardening - a bit tak a bit la jugak - aku managed to clear up all the unwanted rumput and clear up the small garden tepi rumah aku tu. surprisingly aku finally managed to do dat.


by 1am, aku did some reading. few mags and a book yg aku beli few years back tp tak baca2. aku wanted to sleep - so aku switched off all the phones tabs etc, and aku refused to get online. golek2 wit some books kat bilik study aku - still tak bley lena. aku try to force myself baring dlm gelap, since mak selalu ckp try to do dat coz eventually aku akan lena jugak - aku ended up being so frustrated since tak jugak lena.


when down stairs, aku decided to sahur awal. by 3am.. aku dah tersandar kat sofa wit agar2 in my tummy, tea o ais limau, roti 2 keping and Nutella byk2. 


and tv siaran mcm haram.


aku ingat few years back bila aku faced dis same problem - aku used to watered the plants tengah2 mlm and even basuh kereta. tp bila dah kena jerkah dgn jaga, aku dha mcm serik - w'pun i din do any salah, i am doin my own thang at my own compound - tp aku mls. they'll ask u loads of q's, and aku mls nak bersembang2 tgh2 mlm while ur jiran semua tgh tdo.


sigh.


feel like goin to Big Bad Wolf. so i cld buy some books and post kat FB. dgn caption like 'hasil tuaian hari ni'. mcm tu. ok tak? 


LOLs.



Friday, July 10, 2015

..








started the morn wit shyte in my head. wat a start. it's gonna be a long day today. 4hrs of teaching, too many thgs to do at the ofc., and all dis shyte around me - i hardly breath. aku rasa nak lari jauh2 and duduk diam2. so aku tak akan marah2 org lain, tak geram dan menyampah dgn org lain. and so org lain tak pissed off dgn aku - since esp when their expectation on me tak up to the point where they expected me to be.


expectation. dat's another hell kinda shyte.


sigh.

Thursday, July 9, 2015

21 Ramadhan.










wit the stdnts - CI Fatimah and Mr V. at the back tu ex-stdnt aku 
time dia buat basic med - Zurizat. 
and i am teaching him back again now.






Azhan - the Chief. in red baju Melayu.







us.









darn aku nampak sgt puteh.
even better dr Mr V.
erk.







me and the witty Razak, the only 
male RN in the group.







had a berbuka puasa wit my PostBasis Psyc. Nursing 1/2015 at The Ritz Hotel. it was kinda nice to gather up urself wit such hu-ha group of stndts - i was being able to vent out a lil bit. the food was good. the company was excellent. we eat. we chat. and we eat again. we bahan one another. talk about like most of the thgs under the sun. no more 'aku lecturer, and ko stndt' kinda thang. i feel comfortable. and feel good.


but to hav dat to the end - aku started to feel bad. balik rumah. mandi. Isya'. and off crashing. woke up at 3am, did my terawih et al, iron baju, sahur, Subuh and off tot the office. the fact is - aku cant really sleep smlm. nak kata panas, tak jugak. nak kata i think too much - i am not sure about dat. apparently i had closed to nthg in mind pun. and seriously speaking, aku a bit worry dat aku nyer cycle of tak bley tdo mlm a.k.a insomnia is making a come back. sigh.


dah masukk dua hari kelas aku 8 - 5. selalunya mmg mcm tu jgk la every beginning of the sem. since aku cover Sistem Saraf - Psych. (Perubatan), so mmg kena cover semua. otherwise they cldnt move up to the other phase. mmg seronok berkelas. setakat ni aku tgk respon bdk2 pun ok - yg tdo 2 3 ketul tu biasa lah.. ko berdiri tepi and jerit a'ala Mariah Carey, bangun la dorang. tp to hav dat continuously for the whole day, 2 day in a row - mmg penat. bulan puasa plak. i mean - bukan nak jd kan alasan, i mean - u knw wat i mean.


---


i feel  like nak timbang tgk berat bdn aku dah berapa skang. ramai ckp aku nampak mengecut sket. and ofkoz ada jgk yg ckp aku makin bulat. tp kalo timbang ko tgk berat bdn ko tak turun2, while semua org ckp ko dah kecut - sah2 ko akan rasa annoying nak campak the penimbang keluar tingkap.



---


i am not sure wat's in store for me, after dis. i am tired, penat. aku tau aku ada choices to choose - i mght stand up and put a stop to everythg, and dats it. or perhaps - aku jst ikut je lah. like - apa2 je lah. but then again - dats wat i've been doin. apa2 je lah. hoping things will change. but apparently - nthg change. and u started to burn up. but i started to feel i shld be havin somethg more better than jst dat.


to get urslf to swim in the same pool of shyte, to run in the same circle - darn dat wldnt be good. 



---


ok. nak Zohor. kelas at 2.30pm.. pakat dgn stdnt start 30min lewat. aku penat.






Tuesday, July 7, 2015

..



Every breaking wave on the shore
Tells the next one there’ll be one more
And every gambler knows that to lose
Is what you’re really there for
Summer I was fearless
Now I speak into an answer phone
Like every falling leaf on the breeze
Winter wouldn’t leave it alone
Alone

If you go?
If you go your way and I go mine
Are we so?
Are we so helpless against the tide?
Baby every dog on the street
Knows that we’re in love with defeat
Are we ready to be swept off our feet
And stop chasing
Every breaking wave

Every sailor knows that the sea
Is a friend made enemy
And every shipwrecked soul, knows what it is
To live without intimacy
I thought I heard the captain’s voice
It’s hard to listen while you preach
Like every broken wave on the shore
This is as far as I could reach

If you go?
If you go your way and I go mine
Are we so?
Are we so helpless against the tide?
Baby every dog on the street
Knows that we’re in love with defeat
Are we ready to be swept off our feet
And stop chasing
Every breaking wave?

The sea knows where are the rocks
And drowning is no sin
You know where my heart is
The same place that yours has been
We know that we fear to win
And so we end before we begin
Before we begin

If you go?
If you go your way and I go mine
Are we so?
Are we so helpless against the tide?
Baby every dog on the street
Knows that we’re in love with defeat
Are we ready to be swept off our feet
And stop chasing
Every breaking wave

u2
every breaking wave.










trust everyone? trust no one?





fcuk. i can contradict myslf if i like. the fact is dat u must be a trusting person in order to feel at ease wit urslf and ur life. but again and again - i keep tellin dis to myself - dammit there's no need to be a real jerk. 


or stupid.


everyone can be trusted to do some thgs. ur mum can be trusted to love u. ur boss can be trusted to tell u when u've fcuked up. a thief can be trusted to steal. when u come to put ur trust in someone u need to weigh up how strong ur confidence in me is, against how much it matters if they let u down. yes. easy said. 


wait till it hits rite on ur face.

 
trust - damn it is a personal thg. and it has a lot to do wit nuances and intuition about the person in question. trust ppl to be who they r - not who u want em to be. i learn it today - trust in some one on who they r - not wat u want em to be. 


and i learn it in a hard way. 





rules.











when ur young - ur told all sorts of thgs - i want doesnt get, the best thgs in life r free, familiarity breeds contempt, patience is a virtue. and others personal to ur own family or teachers. some of em r drilled into u, some of em u jst pick up along the way. as u get older, u pick up even more sayings, principles and beliefs, many of which u jst assume to be true and never think a question. and so by the time u arrive into adulthood, ur living by a mixed bag so-called "rules", whether u knw it or not. 


u mght only knw it when u suddenly find urself spouting one of em to a strugglin fren or a youngster (or perhaps ur own kids) and then think "where on earth did dat come from?"


trouble is - these principles, given as a "re-cycled advice" from well-meaning ppl, often arent true. and many of em r right some of the time, but whoever told em to u failed to explain dat  there will be times u shld disregard em, or even take the opposite approach.


the point is, u hav to learn to ask question. to think for urself. to not to follow mindlessly the rules set down for u by other ppl. otherwise u'll be making urself miserable for no reason. learn to trust urself and ur own judgment. 


i knw. the rules r set to follow. the rules r good dat dat'll make u a human. different from the beast. u knw wat i am sayin. the ability to question. to ask y. and not to follow bluntly. basically we were raised dat way. u'll get 'hush' by ur parents if u ask too many questions. or even if ur interrupting em in a conversation.


there'll be no explaination after dat. and u grew up to be a person wit less questions. and jst do wat u've told to do. 


i am not sayin everythg ur taught is wrong. whether it's a popular homily or a value impressed on u by ur own fmly. i entirely agree - for example, dat it's always a good idea to look around before u leap. but darn i agree wit it after havin tot it thru. i disagree attack is the best form of defense, although once in a while - it may be the only way dat works. and certainly money is not the root of all evil. u cant definitely pass the blame on to those poor, inanimate notes and coins.


and again - dis is nthg to do wit ur religion. i never, ever askin to ask ur believe in the existent of God and such. never. ever.


jst dat i've discovered dat ppl love rules. and i gez dat's the part of the problem. many of us love rules up to the point dat they jst dun think to question em. malas nak fikir. ikut je lah.. kinda thg. 


one word - think. dat's the thg. dat's wat i am tryin to say. question everythg u've seen, taught, and dun live by some other ppl's rules (yes, not even mine.. u go get ur own shyte, pls!) until u considered whether ur agree wit em. whether ur 18 or 80 years old - examine the childhood strictures u were told to follow  blindly - and decide whether they r right. jst regularly catch urslf and as, 'y do i believe dat?', or 'is it helpful?'. 


darn  i am not givin u a permission to ignore any rules and values u dun happen to like (i wldnt do dat - darn u dun need any of my permission). dats not the way to success or happiness. jst be honest wit urself, and s'times u'll find urself reluctantly agreeing wit principles u wish u din. jst dun get tied down unthinkingly to other ppl's values. 


trust me - when u become an adult, ur allowed to develop ur own set of principles.


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damn i feel old now.







Saturday, July 4, 2015

off-grid.






next is my slot. shall talk on fasting and health. hope thgs will go well.