Sunday, March 29, 2015

disappoint me.
















"..i love u.


so let me disappoint u.bcoz i knw dat if u love someone, ur opening up to being disappointed by em. bcoz howcan u love someone as a human, w/o everythg dat comes wit dat.


so disappoint me. i wldnt mind.


disappoint me constantly. wit all dat ur and all dat u cld bewit everythg dat makes u, u.


and i promise u to disappoint u - wit all my whole heart.."



---


goodnyte.











out of town, again.








done packing.trow - Putrajaya again. dis time around - for some other reason. bukan module development, bukan tabulation, bukan kursus or anythg at all. dis time around - i'll be there for majlis terima anugerah APC 2014. hehehehe..


and yes - aku dilantik jadi Ketua Baca Ikrar. hows dat? bukan tukang baca ikrar, mind u. tp leader baca ikrar. hahahaha.. kena mkn telur mentah mlm neh. kasik lemak merdu sket suara. a'ala CT Nurhaliza gtoh. bley? 


over.


but then again - aku rasa biasa je. apart of a bit anxious since kena lead the ikrar thang - i think i am doin ok ok je. ni byk keje aku tinggal kat ofc neh - nbdy knws. sian plak SUP 2 aku - Fitri. kene buat keje sorang2 since esk jugak, exam starts. 


i hope thgs will be jst fine. Rabu aku balik lah. masuk keje mcm biasak. 









Misha's.

















owh. btw - aku 'terpasang' dis song while driving, today. it was in the thumb drive along wit all my English songs. weird it is - since i dun remember havin it in there, God sake. o'common. aku pun dgr lagu Melayu. and one of em, is dis. 



but then again - it was nice. seriously. i used to love dis song for some reason. and aku remember listenin to dis song again and again - like a moron.



and now - i am listening to it again. dis time around - i hav no intention to listen to it, again. tho i must say i am still in love wit dis, seriously. one of the best from Misha Omar.



sigh. time flies, aye?







Friday, March 27, 2015

haitus.








been a hectic week. been in and out of the ofc., and i've been involved wit loads of workshops, module developments, meetings et al. and it is goin to be a disastrous weeks to come as well, since mid semester nye exam will be starting on coming 30th March rite until 29th Apr. since aku SUP - u knw how it is. but then again - aku thanked God since Fitri; being my SUP (2) aka my org kanan - aku cld go around and leave the work back in the ofc., and all i hav to do is supervising him and see hows the progress goes.


and yes, Fitri been doin a very good job. 


so today - aku masuk ofc. half day. bila went thru my schedule - abru aku perasan ada kelas wit Psot Basic at 10am. argkh. half day. wit so many thgs to do. and kelas 2jam. so aku Jumaat kat Tambun, and by 2pm baru aku bertolak ke UPSI. and kelas at 3pm. 


so aku masuk kelas lambat. for the first time. and kena perli2 wit the lecturer. darn i wished she knew wtf i am goin thru.








Monday, March 16, 2015

me. at kampung.















woke up by 6am in the morn. itu pun since aku terdengar mak bangun mandi etc. ampeh tab aku neh - set jam tak sempat bunyi bateri dah abes. sgt tak reliable. so aku bgun, mandi, tunggu Subuh, solat jemaah dgn mak.. and aku nyusup masuk bilik balik. standard - awal pg kalo kat kampung, mcmana sekalipun - mak will look out for me utk teman dia pi market. wet market dat is. and as usual - i wldnt mind bringing her anywhere she wanted to go, and i'd go wit her definitely. but to wet market - darn i wish i cld hav choices God sake. bukan nak berlagak sombong ke aper.. it is nice to be in wet market every now and then. tp lantai market yg basah, becak, kotor.. argkh.


perhaps aku still din get rid of the past. aku remember waktu aku umur like 7yo, aku tergelincir and tergolek 'dog' kat market, atas lantai yg basah, kotor, penuh dgn air becak, air ikan et al. basah suar baju. berbau. and mak jst ckp, 'tak pe.. sket je. nanti kita balik'. damn aku traumatized smpai skang.



mak beli keladi, nak masak lemak kuning katanya. wah. my fav. actually, come to think of it - aper je yg mak masak yg bukan fav aku kan? semlm mak masa wajik aka pulut kacau yg pink tu - aku mkn mcm kuda. my fav katanya. pagi tadik, baru nak re-landing.. mak masak nasik goreng udang kering wit teelur - ahh my fav. aku mkn berpeluh2 Subhanallah. and for lunch - masak lemak keladi, ikan perkasam, ikan sardin goreng wit sambal belacan - huargkhh.. semua my fav still. perut aku dah sekak dgn nasik goreng mak pagi tadi, still hidung ni dok terbau2 ikan perkasam mak kat dapur.. aiyooo.. perhaps aku jst mkn je lah, since esok lusa dah balik Ipoh aku tak payah mkn. bley mcm tu?



asgment aku dah settled separuh. nak buat slides for presentation je lagik. basically aku tak sure jadah mender yg aku diskus in dis reflection report - tp biarlah, aku dah buat smpai tak cukup mkn tido segala.. (ok over). aku hope for the best. part presentation aku tak risau sgt - i knw i can do good - wit a consideration i knw wat i am doin and i hav all the facts InsyaAllah. cuma part writing ni je. ceharooom sket.















esok dah nak balik Ipoh. lusa kak yang and fmly baru smpai. and cik + fmly after dat. tak dpt la jumpak dorang since keje kat ofc bersepah2. PPS dah dekat, so many thgs to settle. ni cuti2 pun ofc dok tel. tensi Ya Rabbana.








Sunday, March 15, 2015

the room.















in dis room. wit the curtains drawn. wit the lights on. wit sun shining outside. 


dis is where u hurt the most.









reflective report my s









tepu dah kepala aku. nak tulis a reflective report on a journal is aint easy. nampak je senang - 10 pages. tp nak dpt 2 pages pun mcm nak mamps. ko rasa mampu till u hav em all siap 10 mukasurat? argkh.


so aku amek lima. or take five jap. aku need some distraction. i was so nerdy, so bloody academical jst now. rasa nerd giler. hahahaha.. baru siap 2.5 mukasurat. itu pun dah biru2 muka kot. pat lima kali kuar masuk dapur, countless tukar lagu kat YouTube. and countless belek jurnal2 yg aku print out neh - yg basically aku pun tak berapa nak faham. hahahaha mati larr..



erm. dah rasa ngantok. patot aku amek lima je. ni doin the update pun aku nampak makin kecik je all these bloody words. argkhh.. shld aku amke take off trus? tp baru 2.5 pages. slides blum buat. 


aku ngantok. take off je lah. pffftt.









Thursday, March 12, 2015

until..


















dun be shy. u can take another piece of me. u can make use of me. coz everyone else alrdy has. and u shld too. i am numb to it. and i dun mind anymore.



take wat u want. until theres nthg left.



until i disappear.







Wednesday, March 11, 2015

listen.











clearly i am stressed-up. too many thgs in mind, too many thgs to do, and less time. works. study. life. i was hoping for s'thg to materialized yesterday, i was expecting thgs to happen - and it din come up rite. i was sad. i was down. i was struggling to sleep last nite. and seriously i am so sleepy rite now.


assignments yet to do. and dis module building - basically dah dragged for about 2 yrs now, and they r goin to launch it in dis coming Sept. too many thgs to be done. shldve done it back at home, yet i din. and now.. is the presenting time. shyte big time.



i wish i cld hav s'one i cld ventilate thgs out. doin nthg - but jst listen. i dun need anyone to judge me, to advice me. and to evaluate my shyte et al. jst listen. tu je.


good listener - is sthg hard to find nowadays.












Tuesday, March 10, 2015

..














the world weeps for itself on days like dis and u stretch and stare to find the thgs dat make it worthwhile. to make u feel like a worthwhile.



at least its not boring. u keep telling urself. u keep bear dat in mind. so u wont forget.



perspective is nine of tenths of everythg.




---



i am heading home. headache. i jst cant wait for the day to be over.









the now
















some days it seems like it'll never end. like theres jst too much to do.


the reality of the situation is - u'll never be finished. if u finish all the work u've got to do - u'll find more to do. u can never really reach the end.



so accept dat. be ok wit it. find the peace ur looking for in the now. in dis moment.



right now. every now.








said. and not.

















when they r gone - u will remember every single opportunity u had to speak em.


and the didnt.





..

















there r moments of such pure, sublime, unparalleled perfection dat they will force u to close ur eyes and hold on to em as best as u can.



life is a series of these moment - trust me.



everythg else is jst waiting for em.







its time.
















u need to let go. so u can move on.











..













lunch time. break for  a while. mkn provided, so aku mkn je yg watever provided. dis module development is no fun - it cracks ur head into two. seriously.



i feel lonely. wit all these smart ppl around, their sense of humour - aku tau aku r not alone. yet aku feel lonely.










Sunday, March 8, 2015

sleep tite.

















if all u do is make s'thg beautiful for someone else, even if its only for a moment - wit a single word or small action - u hav done a great job.


b'coz life can be ugly and frustrating and for so many - it is.



---


gdnyte ppl.









Saturday, March 7, 2015

a normal day.
















i think there r two thgs everyone has - the one is The Great Sadness and the other one is How Wierd I Really Am. i think everyone has em but only some of us r brave enuf to talk about em.


or perhaps even if ur not - u write about em.


i dun knw if i am brave but i do knw dat s'times i am sad and s'times, i worry about bow weird i really am. and if u do too, i think dats ok.


coz we'll be ok. we'll be weird and sad and ok together.







blame who?












if u involved in somethg dat goes wrong - never blame others. blame no one but urself. dats wat Humanistic believes. and i do, as well. u hav to be responsible for ur own choices. responsible for ur own self.


if u hav touched somethg, accept total responsibility for ur piece of work. if u accept responsibility, ur in the position to do somethg about it.


let me share u some of our common excuses for failures;



  1. it was a terrible brief
  2. i need a better someone/partner
  3. there wasnt enuff money tto do it properly
  4. the boss din listen to me
  5. i was too busy wit somethg else
  6. someone else took out my best ideas


most of these grievances r every day on every job. and dat wont change.


the point is dat - watever other ppl's failings might be ur the one to shoulder the responsibility.


darn there r no excuses.








Sunday, March 1, 2015

do not seek praise, seek criticism.








u'd agree wit me at the end of dis.


it is quite easy to get approval if we ask enuff ppl, or if we ask those who r likely to tell us wat we wanna hear. dis - happens all the time.


the likelihood is dat they will say nice thgs rather then be too critical. also, we tend to edit out the bad thgs so dat we hear only wat we wanna hear. u did dat too, i am sure. 


and so do i.


so if u hav produced a pleasantly acceptable piece of work, u will hav proved to urself dat its good simple becoz others said so.


its probably ok. but then it's probably not great either, if - instead of seeking approval u ask "wat wrong wit it? how can i make it better?", u r more like to get a truthful critical answer. u may too, even get an improvement on ur idea.


and u r still in the position to reject the criticism if u think it is wrong.



---


u knw wat? forget it. hahahaha


i am crashing. goodnyte peeps!