Thursday, February 26, 2015
i cant really sleep last nite. it was a hot, long torturous nite for sure. i refused to stay back in my study room for i knw i'll ended up doin thgs dat got nthg to do wit my sleeping. and i refused to go down stairs coz i knw i'll ended up watching thgs on the idiotbox. and when the morning come, i'll go walking to the ofc like a Zombie.
its hard when u gotta struggle urself off to sleep. staring in the near blank endless darkness - the nthgness cld be so eerie beyond words. i cant remember wat time i really went off, all i knew by 5.30am - the alarm was screamin shyte out and i was still wishin it aint real.
class at 8 to 10am. nthg new. 2 hrs shj for today - and dats sthg new. rushed out of the class, off for Audit Meeting. duduk dlm 15mins, aku left the room since menyampah dgn cara all these ppl run the meeting and such. and obviously - even tho aku is one of the committee - darn aku had nthg to do wit the whole shyte really.
kuar mkn jap dgn Amer, Abg Din and Mr Anwar. best plak kuar dgn dorang neh. at least i had the opportunity to mingle wit 'real person' - which is sthg hard to find in my ofc nye set-up. byk yg bermuka-muka, opportunist, double-faces and such. kesian. aku wonder wat really they wanna hav in life by doin dat. most of em - yg baru2 ni lah. maybe baru. nak cari tapak. tak sure wat ur good at. and yet - ko kena survive. and as a survival - ppl tend to do watever it is, as long as they r 'in the system'. blergkh.
i dun need to do dat. i hav faith in myself. i knw wat i am good at. and if i am not - i dun mind telling so, and learn thgs up.
2.30pm - discussion wit stdnts clinical psych. posting. dah 2 minggu, tak sempat2 nak jumpak dorg. ada pengajar junior to see em all, sorang pun tak pi. aku sepatutnya do the clinical audit - and ended up doin the routine.
owh. happy Thors-Day. dun forget to make ppl happy thus it'll make urs one, too.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
atop my mind - there is nthg i can think about more other than my life, my choice. yes. i knw. at my age, i am still considering about choices. yes. wat is wrong wit dat? nthg, rite?
i knw i come off as boring to some ppl, but dis is wat dis is. deep down ere, i am truly troubled by my so-called downhill performance and degrading ability to focus to wat i want.
a few days back, a fren asked me is i were given a choice to go back and choose sthg other than wat i am doin now - wat wld it be. i answered the same ol'shyte. clinical work. patients. my passion. perhaps sthg art. or maybe writing. but we both knw if both of us ever got chance to re-elect our options, we both wld choose the same thg. the same f*cked up, twisted way. no -dun get me wrong. i love wat i am doin now - sharing knwledge, nurturing the new generations et al. but the politics suck big time. and i feel like givin up.
i might sound poyo or gampang on dis one but believe me when i say for a person like me - gettin into wat i am doin now is like givin all ur life to it. by like me, i mean no other cushions i can fallback; no rich family, no trust funds, no other woww qualifications. not a fcukin zip. its been hell years of hell and it feels like a lifetime of probation.
the problem is not wanting not enuff, but wanting too much dat when a thg comes out, it breaks easily. a guitar string - wld break if overstretched.
the problem is not wanting not enough, but wanting too much that when a thing comes out, it breaks easily.
sigh. wat a tot.
from the moment we r born, u r always feeling s'thg, and so is every other person. u can stop ur conscious tots when ur sleeping - but u can never stop feeling, bcoz to be alive - is to feel life. how? i need not to answer such. u knw better. u r a feeling 'being' to the core of u, and its no accident dat every part of ur human body is created by Allah so u can feel life.
u hav all the senses - the sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch - so dat u can feel everythg in life for sure. they r 'feeling' senses - bcoz they enable u to feel wat u see, feel wat u hear, feel wat u taste, feel wat u smeel and touch em. ur entire body is covered by a fine life of skin - which is a feeling organ (or senses), so u can literally feel everythg.
how u feel in any given moment is more important than anythg else. bcoz how u feel right now is creating u life.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
2.40pm, the ofc. to Bukan Diriku - Samsons.
i was surprised receiving msges from my old fren (he's all the way in Japan now) - i knew him for ages now, since 1998 if i am not mistaken. managed to met him like twice - we shared stories and such. i always look up for him for some inspiration - i adore him on how he deal wit thgs, and how strong he is. he's been running all over places - thru out the world now - and s'times it hits me jst like dat, and i've been wondering; wat actually he's been 'running' from actually? i never ask such to him. got no right, seriously.. i dun wanna be judgmental. and i dun wanna be rude.
until today - he finally spilled out the beans - he was literally running from thgs in life, and running is a way to vent out his frustration et al. he dealt wit his feelin dat way. much respect, still. i wldnt knw if i wld be able to dat, if i am in his shoe, God sake. and being able to 'witnessed' his fragile side of self, i started to think about thgs. i gez dats life is. dat is the way life is. it din change a thang, i still respect him.
perhaps, it is true - when ppl say 'love is the force dat moves u'. in wat direction, how and why - dats the question. perhaps, dats the question u shld be askin ur own self.
u wld agree wit me if i say everythg u wanna be, do, or hav come from love. w/o love, u wldnt move. there wld be no positive force to propel u to get up in the morn., to work, play, dance, talk, learn, run around, put some smile on ur face, or do anythg at all. u'd be like a stone statue. dull. and boring. the positive force of love can create anythg good - increase the good thgs, and change everythg negative in ur life. nobdy knws ur 'suffering' inside. ppl see ur traveling the globe, run around and win some victories. ppl adore for dat. nbdy knws wats goin on wit u, inside. but it do good for u too, in a way - i believe. and dat is the power - love - inside of u.
but if u hav the power over ur life, and dat power is inside u - y isnt ur life amazing? y isnt every area of ur life magnificient? y dun u hav everythg u want? or anyone u wanted to hav, in life? y havent u been able to do everythg u wanna do? y arent u filled wit joy every day?
i think - its b'coz u hav a choice. u hav a choice whether to love and harness the positive force - or not. u realize it or not - every day of life - every moment of ur life - u hav been making dis choice. w/o expectation - every single time u experienced s'thg good in life, u loved and harnessed love's positive force.
love is the cause of all the good thgs in life, and lack of love is the cause of all the negative thgs and all the pain and suffering.
so my fren - be bold. be confident. and be strong. life is not as bad as we mght think. no matter how bad thgs mght turned - theres always the good side of it. its up to u, if u want to explore it, or not. love life. love urself even more. nbdy wld do dat - but u. love life - for life is a journey. u gotta let go s'times - all the unnecessary along the way - so dat u cld move one even lighter and getting more good thgs in life.
i hav faith in u. u'll be jst fine. dis is jst another phase in life - u've been thru dat. and u knw it alrite.
Monday, February 16, 2015
2pm. no class. no nothg.
i am done wit my 2hrs class in the morn. apparently aku masuk lewat sket since aku terlibat dgn taklimat Sem 4 yg clinical psychiatry posting. tu pun aku make it fast so i cld jst shoooo-ed em all the ward and i cld go on wit the class well. smpai dewan syarahan - nahh.. TP(A) dah ada dlm kelas wit his i-dun-knw-wat to the stdnts. ofkoz - i wasnt scared. aku lambat bukan aku ngulat sepjg jln. or not like aku btol tudung aku for ages before the class. w'pun aku tak pakai tudung. serious.
i gez dats the way it is lah. TP(A) akan make his round to all the classes by 8am and see stdnts masuk lmbt, or lecturer yg lambat and such. 9.45am - i was done wit the intro for the class and aku lepaskan all the stndts off for their break.
keluar mkn wit Mr Anwar, Abg Din and Ameer. and Topek. lama tak keluar mkn dgn dorang. selalu jugak dorg ajak - tp aku jarang2 nak kuar mkn at 10am pun. mls. alang2 baik lunch je trus. so Ameer and Mr Anwar pun i gez dah mls nak ngajak aku kuar mkn like most of the time. and today - seriously aku kena bahan dgn dorang. it was like 'ko ok ke Shah', 'magik doe ko nak kuar mkn dgn kitorang' etc. heh. tak kuar pun kena bahan. kuar pun kena bahan. caneh? tp the best part is - Ameer belanja. kenyang siak.
masuk ofc dgn mata berlapis2. kenyang. haih.
Zul Presiden Kelab Gym dtg jumpak aku. meeting kelab la plak ptg ni. argkhhh.. mmg aku suruh budak2 neh buat meeting, tp.. not today la kot. aku rasa malas. sgt2 mls. tp cari Kak Ina, Mr Raya and even junior aku si Buhari tadak.. terpaksa la aku attend jgk ptg ni. mls nyer.. pi la kejap. tunjuk muka. sian plak stdnts2 neh. ye2 dah arrange for sucha big meeting, aku plak tak dtg..
and at time like dis.. aku rasa nak nyorok bawah meja and tdo je..
Sunday, February 15, 2015
some ppl say dat love doesnt last forever.
but i've met other ppl, and while over the decades their bodies hav forgotten the ideas of who they were, their heads rmber their hearts,
maybe they din love forever, jst a lifetime.
but they still make liars of those ppl. u and i can make liars of em, too. eh?
outside the station, she stands wit her child on the side of the street, taking pics of cars. and u think she's insane. until, one day - u notice dat she's taking pics of the license plates of the cars her child gets into. and she did dat for a reason.
bcoz u look, but u do not see.
she walks out of the fast-food outlet wit bags full of cat food. u think she smell like shyte and u think she's some crazy cat lady until one day, u find out she has no cats.
bcoz u eat, but u do not taste.
its been a while since u last saw him but he assures u, he's doin jst fine these days - white flecks in his nostrils. then he asks u if he can spend some time sitting in front of ur gate by the rubbish bin, away from the tiring sun. even tho it stinks.
bcoz u sniff, but u do not smell.
and they say 'ok' when u ask em how school was. then u wonder wat they're hiding until u find their diary and the last entry reads, 'i wish u'd giv me some privacy'.
bcoz u listen, but u do not hear.
and they've got a bruise over the eye and u run the tips of ur fingers over it and ask em how it happened. u believe em. until it happens again.
bcoz u touch but u do not feel.
and they walk past u everyday. one million stories. each waiting to be told. waiting for u to ask. all u care is ur own shyte. ur own tot. and ur own feeling.
bcoz u live. but vey few, love.
if there one thg i hate - its the ppl who wont let me in on the freeway. and its havin to let the ppl in on the freeway. if theres one thg i hate - it is waling up to 50 arseholes pretending to be super-someone else. pretending to be be me. if theres one thg i hate - it is waking up feelin like an arsehole bcoz i yelled at those bloody arseholes.
if theres one thg i hate - it is ppl who turn the thgs i say and use it against me. if theres one thg i hate it is turning a bunch of ideas into a laundry list. if theres one thg i hate it's dat feelin u get when u scratch s'thg new. it is not knwg wats wrong wit someone and all u want to do is make em feel better - yet they've made u feel like shyte.
if theres one thg i hate is is knwg dat mind naturally grativates towards the -ve and not being able to stop it. if theres one thg i hate it is ppl who become ur fren, to become ur frens' fren. if theres one thg i hate, it is bein really busy and using dat as an excuse to ignore ur mail/sms/text. or using the old same shyte lame kinda excuse, again and again. if theres one thg i hate, it is having to acknwledge dat my feeling r my own, no one else's. and my responsibility.
if theres one thg i hate - it is forgetting dat and taking the way i feel out on the world. if theres one thg i hate, it is ppl who criticize thgs, who cant take criticism.
if theres one thg i hate, it is not u. or probably it is u.
Friday, February 13, 2015
life is simple. ur life is made up of only 2 kinda thgs - +ve and -ve thgs. each area of ur life - be it ur health, money, r'ships, work or happiness - is either +ve or -ve. u hav plenty of money or ur lack of it. ur brimming wit health or u lack of health. ur work is exciting and successful or dissatisfying and unsuccessful.
ur filled wit happiness or u dun feel good a lot of the time. u hav good yrs or bad yrs, good time or bad time; good days or bad ones.
if u hav more -ve thgs than the +ve ones in life - then s'thg is very wrong and u knw it. u see other ppl who r happy and fulfilled and whose lives r full of great thgs, and s'thg tells u dat u deserve all dat too. and ur right - u do deserve a life overflowing wit good thgs.
most ppl who hav a great life dun realize exactly wat it was dat they did to get it. but they did do s'thg. they used the power dat is the cause of everythg good in life..
w/o exception, every person who has a great life used love to achieve it. the power to hav all the +ve and good thgs in life - is love.
love has been talked about and written about since forever. in every religion, and by every great thinker, philosopher, and leader. but many of us hav not truly understood the word itself. it becomes cheap and meaningless.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
well i'll hav to admit dat i am not the best person to connect when wit when i am in deep shyte. or to make it to understand - when i am in a stressful mood. i become grumpy, irritated and easily angry. u'll regret communicating wit me. and my words can be sharp like knife. i am well aware of my reaction towards stress, its jst out of my control at times. well - i am jst a flesh and blood. jst like u.
so raise ur hand if u can relate,
but if u raised ur hand then u knw wat its like to be a human. if u din - then kudos to u. seriously. i mean - like seriously serious. cld we exchange number, pls? i wanna learn.
frankly - i've seen my stress-level decrease over time and i've become increasingly less stressful on a daily basis - alhamdulillah - which has been rather euphoric if i may say. but i've my moments. tho its in these moments i try to recognize wat i'm bein all stressed out about - i try to determine wat tots dat go thru my head dat r harmfully stressful to both my physical and mental health.
sounds serious enuff? well, i was jst about to begin. hahahaha.. so here is a list of 6 stressful tots dat r determined as stressful to me (not sure about u) and how i deal wit em all..
- fcuk. i am gonna be late again! - havent we all been in dis situation? ur otw to work and for some reason ur late again and u knw ur boss is goin to maki ko as soon as u walk thru the door. how to deal wit it? siap2 on the nite before. everythg. and keluar awal. ko tak pyh nak berperang kat jalan raya wit all the super-moms yg drive mcm haram anta anak masing2 pi skol. serious sakit jiwa. but if unexpcted turn of events cause u to be late - dun stress. recognize the fact dat wat happened was out of ur control (if dats the case-lah!) and calmly explain dis t ur boss. and urself.
- knp la aku tak buat mcm tu.. - u always regret not doin sthg differently. i knw i do. like all the time. hell, i cld pile up a list of 50 thgs i wish i wldve done differently but a comforting tot dat i tend to bring forth is dat the past is past - and its gone. so if u r ever feelin stressed out or anxious about a mistake or choice u make - dat i wish u cld hav been done in a whole different way - comfort urself dat its in the past. the choice has alrdy been made and all u can do is live the moment and keepin movin ahead.
- i hate it when the house is a mess! - rumah ko bersepah. literally it is, now. agak2 - aku stress ke tak? so how can i solve dis? simple. kemas je lah! jst clean it up. at least until u feel dat ur mind has calmed down abt ur materialistic view of ur crib. ko tak la nak tunggu bidadari turun dr langit nak tolong ko kemas. mmg tak la kot kan?
- where r my car keys/wallet/watch/hand-phone? - how many times hav u forgot at least one of these items when goin out? i've lost count. i mean - those days. u cant find ur keys and start to stress about the fact dat u may hav dropped em somewhere, sapa tau? in these desperate times - take a deep breath and try to trace em back ur movements, think of wat ur doin when u last had the lost item and work ur way in sequences. nampak mudah kan? tp hell sebenarnya. tp serious - worth tryin. to prevent all dis , create a system (at least dats wat i called it). for example, every time i come home - i hand my keys in my usual key-box and my wallet on top of it. a simple to a devastating problem, i am sure.
- i knew i shld hav bought dat one instead - well, dis one is closely related to #2 since it has to do wit a choice u wish u cld change. if u bought s'thg not for u, try to return it or sell it, and buy the thg u want instead! abes cerita.
- it doesnt matter, i am no good.. - now i knw i am tip-toein around on anxiety-related-grass right now but its stilla very stressful tot dat occurs more often than not. dis tot is falsely implicated one simulated by ur notoriously mysterious mind - so dun pay it any mind. comfort urself wit +ve tots like how beautiful ur (kalo ko cantik lah!) or how much ppl actually enjoy ur company. i hav myself been in dis zone of near self-loathing and its not a pretty one! trust me.
at least they worked for me. u mght wanna try it out as well.
Friday, February 6, 2015
u hav been lied for a very long time. and u've been told dat life is filled wit problems, pain, disappointment and despair. u said u've experienced these thgs. and u made other believed the lie. u hav been conditioned over time to believe dat u mush fight for survival. dat u must get urs while u can. dat u cant really hope to do anythg more than jst get by.
u've been told about all the injustice in the world, and how unfair life wld be.
all dat is true on one level. at dat is true but it is not.
the higher truth is dat life is beautiful. not jst beautiful, but life is beauty. beauty life is. all the wars, the hatred and crimes and in justices get so muc attention. but the overwhelming mass of life is not dat way at all. the overwhelming substance of life - is beautiful. think of ur own life. there r all sorts of problems, to be sure. ur car breaks down. u dun hav money to make the house payment. someone u love is stricken wit a serious illness. or ur relationship is full of shytes u hate it to the max. ppl who r close to u r taken from u in death. wat else?
and yet.. and yet, all those thgs occupy jst a small fraction of ur life. the vast majority of ur experiences r beautiful. think if all the thgs dat happen each moment, in each fraction of a sec., to keep u a live. think of wat a miracle it is dat ur able to be aware of ur own existence.
dats a rare thg. and u hav it all the time.
life is beautiful. and u knw it. on some level, on many levels - u knw it. on many level u've experienced it for urself. u've seen the beauty many times before. and every time u stop to take a look, every time u look closely, its still very much there.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
dat moment when..
4.35pm. post-class. 25 min lagi nak balik. ofc.
been a while. seriously speaking - s'times i feel like nbdy cares - those thgs i've written and such - s'times i cldnt care at all. but havin dis - once in a blue moon - is surely put dat kinda wide smile on ur face, frankly. i was in the mid of my class - during a short break - realized a Tweet and automatically aku senyum sorang2. hahaha
tqvm. tho aku tau my previous entry is completely meaningless.
done wit the 2hrs class. sepatotnya 2 to 5pm, tp since aku managed to get it done a lil bit earlier - i jst shooo-ed em all back. so aku felt a bit happy - and i am sure they r, as well. after all tekak aku dah sakit giler. ko bygkan for a big hall like wat we r having - lecturer kena guna wired-mic yg aku sgt benci in using it. its like ko kena berdiri atas stage holding the mic, pura2 pretending like ko diva and bg talk. and the stdnts - esp yg kat belakang sekali, wandering around the world, sleeping. i was a student before, i knw how it is.
so - as usual, i'd go to the ground and deliver the material. mic-less. usually suara aku mmg bley cover the whole hall. time sihat la - ni aku demam. suara serak2 basah.. and u knw how it is. tp still - i tried my best. and i am glad stdnts r paying attention.
at the end of the day - no matter how draggin ur day wld be - after all dis - seein ur stdnts' faces, questions they posted to u, reaction they gav u - ko rasa sgt puas hati, seriously. perhaps aku love wat i am doin. sharing knwledge yg tak seberapa, sharing experience yg tak sedlm mana - in helping to shape ur new, young generation - is my passion. daat is kinda feelin yg beyond explanation. dari demam ko rasa kebah. tetiber. gtew.
and tekak aku ni dah perit giler. batuk mcm nak terkeluar bijik dr mulut je. hahaha.. perhaps aku need not to run today. perhaps aku shld je head home and hav a proper rest - jst like yesterday.
and hidung aku yg berhingus ni.. Ya Rabbana..
5 February 2015, lunch time, ofc.
fever strikes back. aku dah ok as usual, tp petang semlm i started to shiver back again, cough and throat discomfort. so aku drove straight back home, skipping my jog routine. and yes - by Maghrib aku rasa aku betul2 takk larat, heavily cough up sputum and runny nose. had my lite dinner, mkn ubat and aku dozed off.
seriously aku jrg demam2 mcm ni. kalo sekali demam, mmg mcm ampeh. and dis time around - tekak perit and batuk plak.
and aku hav 2 - 5pm kelas, today. adoi.
pagi tadik pi tgk stdnts at clinical area. tak larat tak larat pun gagah jugak lah.. supposedly aku pantau all the the lecturers yg buat clinical teaching there - audit clinical etc - tp now aku plak yg buat keje dorang, and no one make such clinical teaching pun there.. ermm.. dis is really somethg.
kalo ikut mmg each clinical visits - aku kena pantau benda2 neh. apa yg other lects buat, feedback dr stdnts etc. kalo mcm ni kalo - mcmana? aku still kena bg feedback kat Ketua Program kot.