Saturday, January 31, 2015

crushed.










a week ago, i learned how does it feel to be the stupidest person among all. i learned how insensitive some ppl can be no mater how kind ur to them. i learned how the same insensitive ppl most of the time they treated u like a side dish; ur only precious when there is no one else. make a fuss out of shyte when theres no one around to point ur finger to. i learned how hard it is to be happy about s'thg ur not. and i learned how sad and pathetic it is to hang ur hope like a piece of cold shyte expecting failures and doomed to slump when ppl r winning,



and fcuk ur not.



i learned how bad it is when u do shyte and u never knw how to address it out well, and u go walking around pretending as if nthg happens. 



and expected other ppl to be happy. to jst walk tall as if nthg happens.



i learned dat good thg happens to bad ppl, maybe fair is a paradox word. i learned how insignificant my existence to the world, to the ppl around me; dis is i learned for umpteenth times. i learned, maybe; just maybe, thgs arent cut out for me to fit in, the cut out is too big and i am jst a speck of dust arnd the edges.



and i learned how dream and reality is two different thgs - in words emselves. fcuk it not dat i dun knw, but i prefer not to knw such. darn i learned it now. - dat rarely the two wld meet, and how more rare to achieve both. 



verdict? crushed.



i am heading out of town. see u in coupla days to come. take k, peeps.











Friday, January 30, 2015

2 mins to midnite.









in 30mins to come, it'll be my day. the b'day.



u knw those list of lessons some ppl will do to commemorate such an occasion? i tot i'd take a crack at it. i giv u tidbits i've gleaned from my time on dis planet. i am not saying they r particularly original, pithy or wise. but hey - they r wat i knw. thus, blame me not.


i bet u'll agree wit me, when ur standin in my shoes.



  1. if u dun hav any sense of humor watsoever by now - theres probably no hope for u.
  2. self-esteem comes hand in hand wit self-discovery. kick-off ur ego, get to knw urself well.
  3. u dun knw who u r until u knw wat u can do.
  4. if u cant change the situation - u shld then, maybe, change urself.
  5. s'times the only thg u can do wit the house dat s'one built is to burn it down and build ur own. u knw wat i am saying.
  6. inspiration requires the ability to shift perspective and see thgs from different vantage points. seriously.
  7. we find wat we look for. so be careful wat u look for. or wat u wish for.
  8. sunscreen is crucial.
  9. wash ur face way more frequent, too. u'll knw its good for u in yrs to come.
  10. brocolli taste better wit a lil bit of lemon juice on it.
  11. its possible to change other ppl - but only thru creating a shared and positive reality dat encourage em to flourish. me? i am tired of doin so. its absurd. i am changing my own self.
  12. at dis age - u'll understand dat its not about the power of control. its about the power to inspire.
  13. u can talk the talk, can you walk the talk? so if cant, shut up. talk and mean ur talk. i need no bulshyte.
  14. ur bulu kaki shed like a mofo
  15.  do mistakes a learn from it. u dun live life wit no mistakes at all. dat aint rite. coz u wont learn a thang. but if u keep doin the same ol' shyte, then ur a dump. sigh.
  16. i believe a successful r'ship is one dat gives both ppl room to flourish. i believe.
  17. the decision u make out of fear, thought-less r usually the decisions u regret.
  18. when ur frustrated by a problem dat involves complex thinking, u need to turn it over to ur subconscious by thinking about sthg else. 
  19. a soulmate is a person who forces u to stretch and grow. dis cld be a romantic partner, a child, a close fren - or an adversary. a soulmate who doesnt, wldnt do u good.
  20. one of the first steps to taking back ur power is to stop seeing urself thru the eyes of any person or group who treats u as less-then. hav some pride. go along wit someone who appreciate u well.
  21. run. u'll leave all shytes behind.
  22. crisis? it sucks. but it also gives u opportunity to reshape ur life, in a way u never wld hav done when u were in ur comfort zone.
  23. action - reaction - consequences. dats wat i believe in.
  24. less is more. but every once in a blue moon, more can be more.
  25. love urself even more. nbdy wld do dat except u, urself.
  26. thgs dat money can buy - purpose. empathy. intimacy. personal integrity. self-knwledge. self-esteem, gut instincts. curiosity. warmth. taste. mastery. respect. compassion. sexual, emotional and intellectual chemistry. charisma. balls. vision. good deeds. happiness. trust. love. Joie de vivre. s'one to do cardio or weight lifting for u.
  27. u deserve s'one who knws how to make thgs up to u after hurting u. not s'one who is very good with jst the word, "sorry".
  28.  do more exercises. run. and leave all shytes behind.
  29. learn to swim. learn some new languages. get to knw more ppl.
  30. better income.
  31. be nice to others. respect ppl to respect u.
  32. wit some ppl - its not a communication problem. its a personality. choose to refuse to deal wit em. safe ur life.
  33. its never to late to reinvent urself. its about becoming more of who u alrdy r.
  34. love ur fmly. ur siblings. ur mother. ur father (if he's still around). they r the one left after all ppl leave u behind.
  35. love urself.
  36. ..even more.


sigh. i cant wait till the sun comes up. i jst wanna hit the road and head to mak's. i dun wanna be in dis state of self now, i new her to be around. adik2, and all anak sedara. 


i need not to wait till midnite. i dun feel like to.


happy bird day to me, anyway!



---



goodnyte.








Wednesday, January 28, 2015

feverish.. :-/









i always remind myself about two thgs life i shall never forget - thngs dat i can change. and thgs dat i cant. i shall work hard on thgs dat i can change - if it is for good or betterment. but then for thgs dat i cant - i shldnt  bother much. coz even if i do - nthg much can be done. no matter how hard i try. no matter how bad i want it - i jst cant. 



i shall walk off and focus on thgs i can deal wit.



i am officially down wit fever. runny nose. perhaps i am too tired. perhaps the weather itself. perhaps.. nvm. think i shall crash off early, real soon.



hope i'll get better by the sun comes up trow. i got life to live. and myself to take care of.



goodnyte.















but i din realize that
feeling so confident, feeling so great abt myself
and then it jst be completely shattered
by one thing, by s'thing so stupid
but then u make me feel crazy
u make me feel like it’s my fault
i was in pain..









Tuesday, January 27, 2015

nyte.









sometimes u'll find it hard to find, or even define - the difference between diamonds in your hand and broken glass on the freeway.


ur clouding tot. ur take-thgs-for-granted attitude.


do knw one thg - nthg is forever. learn how to define differences. learn how to appreciate.














Friday, January 23, 2015

..













you got me sippin' on something
i can't compare to nothing
i've ever known, I'm hoping
that after this fever I'll survive
i know I'm acting a bit crazy
strung out, a little bit hazy
hand over heart, I'm praying
that I'm gonna make it out alive

the bed's getting cold and you're not here
the future that we hold is so unclear
but I'm not alive until you call
and I'll bet the odds against it all
save your advice 'cause I won't hear
you might be right but I don't care
there's a million reasons why I should give you up
but the heart wants what it wants

you got me scattered in pieces
shining like stars and screaming
lightening me up like Venus
but then you disappear and make me wait
and every second's like torture
hell over trip, no more so
finding a way to let go
baby baby no I can't escape


the bed's getting cold and you're not here
the future that we hold is so unclear
but I'm not alive until you call
and I'll bet the odds against it all
save your advice 'cause I won't hear
you might be right but I don't care
there's a million reasons why I should give you up
but the heart wants what it wants 

this is a modern fairytale
no happy endings
no wind in our sails
but I can't imagine a life without
breathless moments
breaking me down down down

the bed's getting cold and you're not here
the future that we hold is so unclear
but I'm not alive until you call
and I'll bet the odds against it all
save your advice 'cause I won't hear
you might be right but I don't care
there's a million reasons why I should give you up
but the heart wants what it wants 

the heart wants what it wants baby




selena gomez;
the heart wants what it wants.



---



nyte.











..






everyone changes so slowly, they dun even knw dat they hav.


and everyone likes to pretend dat thgs r jst the same yet they look at u like u cld bring somethg back dats supposed to already be here.


but home is a time. not just a place.






















fat.

















having these kinda frens made ur day.
and having the chance seeing ur frens 'defending' ur hair and
ur fat, round face - dat was even funnier.



wat say u?
hahahahahahahahaha











smile!



















and u asked y ppl always expected u to smile in photographs. u wldnt mind taking more photographs, long as u'd be smiling in it. and u wonder y.



and i told u it was bcoz they hoped dat in the future, there wld be s'thg to smile about.



u knw wat i'm sayin.




last nite..












i remember feelin dis, last nite. alone, in my dark, cold room. i slept early, woke up and strugglin back to sleep. i left the washroom's light on so dat i wldnt feel dat suffocated. alone. 



i remember i am not feeling sad. i am not happy either. the thg is - i feel sadness jst when i am alone. no - not alone like walking back to the hotel, alone. not dat kinda alone. i feel alone when i am alone in my room and my tots started to roam and usually catch on the feeling of i am, in fact - alone. darn i knw i hav choices. i can choose not to be alone. but i am tired wit all the bulshyte mght arise.



but i cant bear havin ppl in my room as well, i feel awkward. awkward in my own nest, my own personal space. i cant stand ppl asking me dis and dat, tho i knw they jst wanna be friendly. it feels controlling. and patronizing. i hate being patronized, i hate ppl telling me wat to do. and asking me as if i am a criminal. and i hate when ppl shoot dat sympathy look. and i hate being helpless. and hopeless.



i knw i am not perfect and ur aint either. believe it or not - i am ok dis way.




maybe i dun need to be happy to actually be happy. euphoria. or be sorrow jst to feel sadness. i cant dart out Quranic verses or hadiths at my will, i am not a pious person, but dammit - i tried. jst not the conventional way i think.


i feel so small whenever i think of the universe. how big the galaxies r, and the milky way is a mere small dot on one of its arms. if dats not Allah's power - then wat else? thinkin of all the stars in the sky, make everythg else is trivial - yet it dun make troubles go. it jst makin troubles, less troubling.



bcoz i knw - sooner or later - life is a reality. and reality is wat i hav to deal wit.



i often read stories of ppl dying, and ppl living. inspiring and some tear-jerking. stupidity as well. i often jealous of these ppl - they got the light, the guide Allah had shown em. will i be one the lucky ones and repent. repent. dats a big word i think its the best.



when ppl really started seein the bigger picture, all the disputes seems ridiculous. the politics, the run for power, stupid ministers; all of em, is jst a small bump on a desert. and human - is too far too small to even wonder *y a w n* dats it.



fcuk. bila la dorang neh nak start presentation? and i feel like sleeping, now.









ur.









ur my science.
u make me believe in the atoms in ur skin.
now i believe in the chemistry in between us.
and now i believe in the molecules dat make up us.



ur my science. 
i am the scientist. 













The Scientist;
Coldplay.














at random.














random post.
its been a year now..








Putrajaya, done.









last day in here. mentally exhausted. i jst wanna be home. and live life as it is. and i wanna head home to mum's during dis weekend. wit the minimons et al. since Monday pg i am leaving for INTURA Sg Petani for the whole 3 days in a row - for another kursus.


but dis time around - aku as one of the urusetia, for my department internal course.


INTURA. been a while since aku were there. aku remember it was like 8 yrs back since aku last been there. nthg much. mcm INTENGAH jugak - old building and such. jst dat it is in Sg Petani - dat'd be smthg else.



presentation jap lagik. aku tak terlibat pun. malas. i jst did my part and provided the committee wit all the materials as requested. Puan Mabel will do the work - a super senior, 1 bulan lagi nak pencen.



---



slept at 11pm semlm. or maybe a bit earlier. aku tak sedar pun. by midnite aku bgun since contact lens aku kering - so aku woke up, tukar baju, mandi, took off my lenses, solat and jumped under the duvet. it was cold. and alone. blergkh.



cant wait to get home. dats the only thang i am thinkin now.









Thursday, January 22, 2015

nu-nyte.











one day, u'll die,


u'll stop and the world will carry on. dats for sure. lovers will love. they'l go find someone else. others will weep, and they'll shop, laugh and cry. sometimes alone. sometimes together. and the radio will keep playing.



but u'll be gone. forever. and in no time - no one will remember.



only the love u gav, the souls u touched and the ppl u changed - will remain. they will carry on for u. and they will pick up where u left off.



i gez - theres nthg to be sad about ere.



gdnyte.













happy?











u can be happy trow. u can be happy when u get thru ur list of to do. u can be happy when ur done and heading home. u can be happy when u meet one. u can be happy when u get and do the right job. u can be happy when u get the rise. u cna be happy when u stop buying the thgs u need and start buying thgs u want.


u can be happy when u retire. u can be happy when the weather suits u. u can be happy on a plane. or may be not. and u can be happy in the rain. u can be happy in bed alone wishing the day wld never end.


or u can stop reading dis, take a deep breath. and jst be happy - right now.









Tuesday, January 20, 2015

goodnight.







received a call by Mr V by the time aku about to crash. he told  me rgrding the trip to Putrajaya - it looks like aku tak bley elak. seriously i din receive any letter or email regarding it, and i was thinkin my name was like out of the list. but unfortunately, it is not. aku among the 6 ppl need to be the for the final 'touch-up' for the module.



and seriously aku mls nak fikir. aku tak decide apa2 pun. next week whole stretch aku will be in Sg Petani, and i had tonnes to get done before leave. and now dis.



sigh.











---



as i said before, i write for i love doin it. every entries in here sometimes it meant from deep of me, but sometimes it means nthg at all. they r jst words. words dat linger in my head, and i take some effort puttin em down into somethg we can understand. sometimes the ideas jst come flowing, sometimes it aint. 


its been a while since i do write somethg in here and dedicate it specially for some one. i hardly do it now. for i am not sure if there is anyone do read dis. or dat u care. and u gotta be significantly mean somethg to me then. otherwise, they r merely words. 



ppl tend to believe wat they see. and wat they read. ppl dun care to go deep and look for the facts. i learn dat, today. u see somethg, u read somethg - u jump ur gun. and dat change the whole shyte. 



---



i hate the feelin of suffocated. i hate to keep runnin in the same circle. i hate myself to be judged as if u knw me for thousand years, and u acted like u do. i hate it if u think u knew lot better when u knw shyte.



and for everythg dat happened to me today - i jst hate myself for it. for every bits. every single bits.


but do u care? no. u care no shyte. its u urself dat matter much. 


gdnite.









..













darn i cant sleep. thgs marching up my mind and i cant jst sort em out well. i wish i cld put it a stop for a while so i can go drifting away, even for a sec.


classes trow. meetings. and thgs. fcuk.










wonder.














so u said i tell u lies. and u go around to prove it well. but u told me dat ur not being truth either, while made me believe wit all those thgs dat ur way better than me, and dat i am nthg but a piece of shyte.


but wat makes u then? i wonder.






Sunday, January 18, 2015

happiness












and i've tried to find happiness in a bigger TV. a new car. and more watch. i've tried to find happiness in power over others and the respect of the ppl around me. 


and ii appreciate ur patience, while u stand there, right in front of me.


waiting for me to come to my senses..

journey, no.




 





so u need a ride?
eh.


 




by the time most of us r adults - we start to live a good part of our life s'where outside the present. even when we r not physically doin anythg, we tend to spend a lot of time exercising our mind thinkin about wat has alrdy happened or wat mght happen or wat we want to hav happen, rather about wat has alrdy happened , pr wat mght happen or wat we want to hav happen - rather than enjoyin wats happenin at the current moment.


i hav a fren i've knwn for so many yrs who seems to spend his entire life racing from one activity or emotion to the next w/o ever bein fully present. he's always runnin late, talking a mile a minute on several different topics or havin an emotional meltdown. s'times when i am wit him - i feel as if i am in one of those zany dreams where u keep jumpin from one unrelated scene to another - wit no beginning and no end -- jst continuous but different streams of consciousness. 


i always wish i cld scream to him to jst stop, and listen for a while. and while he mght hear my words and clutter in his mind - he's alrdy deleted em all and moved on to some other tot. when u live ur life in dis manner - it mght feel exhilarating at first - but u cant possibly focus on anythg at all, or anyone right in front of u. u life journey becomes one big freakin blur of images wit no bloody meaning.


life is most enjoyable and meaningful when ur present at every moment. livin in the past of future (much), as we often do - only serves to drain our spirit. the past -- whether successful of full of failures, is done and over wit. and u cant change it. so wtf. worrying about the future is also a burden. not dat i am sayin u dun think about it at all - its jst dat no matter how much u plan, life is uncertain and the future is unknown. God, dats for sure. it makes no sense to spend ur time worryin about s'thg u truly cant control.


 i gez, instead of livin in the land of "i cldve, shldve, wldve" or "wat if.." -- try livin in the land if "i am", bcoz now is the only moment u can affect and enjoy. u shld take some time to notice every detail in the backdrop of ur daily life, the every tiny, petty details of it -- the colors, the smells, the ppls. savor every moment. 



like rainbows - no two are the same. and can never be recreated.



hav a good Sunday, y'allz.






Saturday, January 10, 2015

kesian.








bila beramai-ramai, or even ko dgn some one - tiber2 seseorg akan berkata, "aku ni bukanlah nak mengata ke aper.. (ayat permulaan cliche and typical bila seseorg nak mula mengumpat) tp aku rasa tak baiklah X buat mcm tu kat Y..". di akhiri dgn muka konon-konon tak sure and serba salah supaya lakonan diterima oleh para pendengar. or lagi dahsyat - si pengata cover up dgn alasan konon nak jaga kawan since syg dgn yg kena kata etc. heh.



well, tahniah. anda telah berjaya merasmikan opening session untuk mengumpat X.


and yang lain pun tiba-tiba buat muka concerned padahal dlm hati semua pakat gembira dapat peluang nak mengumpat si X, sbb mungkin dorg pun secretly dengki dgn X. hahaha.. or paling kesian yg lain2 buat buat concern melyn ko since org dah tau ati perut ko, tp saja layan. aiyo.



beb. kalo ko btol2 concerned, direct je ckp kat kwn ko. tu kalo niat ko mmg nak dia berubah atau rasa apay yg dia buat tu salah - ko tegur je lah dia. bukan mengumpat dia dgn kwn2 yg lain. kalo tak berani or rasa bukan hak ko nak masuk campur - stay away. dok diam2. 



yg aku tak fhm, kalo nak mengumpat - knp kena buat2 mcm sesi usrah mengenangkan kerosakan akhlak generasi muda? masing2 m'gunakan peluang tu tuk mencerita keburukan X, mcmana mereka lbey bagus dr X. dan takdak manafaat pun sebenarnya. pasal konon nak menegur, tp si X tak tau pe2. kesian kan? nak mengumpat, mengumpat je lah.



basically kesian kalo kes mcm ni. ko umpat org, ko letak nilai diri ko kat diri X. secara tak langsung ko rasa diri ko perfect. bagus tahap giler. tp, the fact is - bagus ke? ko lagi teruk sebnrnya.



tau apa yg lbey keji dr mengumpat? mengumpat tp buat2 mcm tgh berbuat sesuatu yg mulia. huhu





Wednesday, January 7, 2015

dats for the day!










aku skipped lunch today. bukan tak nak mkn - tp tak sempat. done invigilating paper psotbsc psych pun dah around 12pm lbey, and i need to be in the class for revision; covering for Puan Mim by 2pm. ye lah - when it comes to postbsc stdnts, 2pm doesnt mean u hav to be there mcm Tugu Negara exactly at 2pm  since dorg mmg well knwn for lambat masuk kelas. but since 2pm it is - then 2 pm lah then. and i gez the stdnts knew wat the time means to me.



2pm aku dlm kelas - and the class dah penuh. 



aku went in to the class actually for 2 thgs. 1) covering Puan Mim doin psych nursing nyer revision since she wasnt dat well, 2) aku need to talk to the stdnts regarding cuti yg dorg mohon - since Puan Mim dah giv up and mls nak fikir byk.. (dats wat she said - back then she's suffering of BP naik turun since stress dgn budak2 neh.. bley?).



so dats wat i did. aku masuk kelas. intro sket - bgtau yg aku cover Puan Mim, and str8 to the point telling em all dat before aku start kelas ulangkaji - i need to talk to em regarding the cuti. and dat was the time bila ko bley tgk muka sorg2 stdnts like terpaku tgk muka ko - as if tak percaya dat 'aiyo, Puan Mim dah ngadu dgn En Shah ke?' sort of thg. haaa..


imagine dis - ko stdnts. kakitgn awam plak tu. ko dtg sini bukan bercuti, tp kursus. kena belajar. tp ur mind set is cuti.. cuti.. cuti. results exam lps mcm najis. and Penyelaras kursus (in dis case - Puan Mim), shes answerable. lulus gagal dia kena jwp. all u had in mind nak bg stdnt ko bljr btol2, and lulus dgn baik. tp all yg ada dlm kelapa stdnt ko is cuti.. cuti.. cuti.



and imagine dis. Penyelaras dah bagi cuti Jumaat and Isnin. so plus weekend, dah 4 hari. tp ko insist tak nak Jumaat, ko nak jugak cuti Isnin, plus Selasa. fine. Penyelaras was OK wit dat. tp ko smbg list insist ko tadi, add in one more day - Rabu pun ko nak cuti. kelas Khamis Jumaat - then Rabu dpn ko dah nak final. ko bg alasan 'tak pe, cuti kami baca buku'. ha ha.. funny. ko ingat aku bodo? aku pun pernah jd stdnts for soooo many time la weh!.. cuti ko nak baca buku ke? tambah2 plak ko bukan stndt freshie. ko mak bapak laki bini org kot. so Penyelaras tensen. dah bg peha, nak semua celah bedah segala alam. Penyelaras mula ngamuk2 give up segala and came up wit such 'dah la aku giv up.. pi mampus la kalo dorg cuti sgt. kalo fail pun aku peduli apa' kinda thang. and BP shoot up.



so aku masuk kelas - aku terus explain dis. aku believe dat kalo ko bersembang dgn org yg dah ada mind set tertentu - ko tak bley gesa2, emo tak tentu hala. u need to tone down, open up their mind - let em see the real truth. and then elt em decide.. dats wat i did, aku told em dlm idup ni kalo kita nak 10, we will never get 10 (darn unless ur lucky enuff). so kalo dpt 8 pun dah cukup bagus - rather than nthg at all. and aku explain jadual btol2, and make em understand. and at the end of it - aku open the session to any argument, suggestion. and i told em dat aku agree to disagree. yet nobdy said a thang. so aku made a conclusion, a decision has been made. no huu and no haa after dis.


so aku continue revision smpai 4pm. the stdnts participating well, and i was glad.



4pm, Timb. Pengarah Penilaian dan Kualiti called for a meeting.. aku terus pi ofc aku kat bwh, smpai 5.30pm. abes je meeting - aku dun feel like doin anythg else dah pun. even running, as my initial plan. aku rasa jst nak balik, take off everythg and hav time for myself.


otw balik - Puan Mim telefon. she told me the stdnts went up and see her - tp bukan nak smbg cuti ke apa, tp 'dtg jumpak aku and kensel cuti hari Rabu', which means they agree wit the plan. Jumaat half day, cuti Isnin Selasa, Rabu masuk kelas. Puan Mim was glad, and she was like 'ko ckp apa kat dorg Shah? apa ko buat?' 


erm, no bad skill nego aku eh? haha.. ok. lagho.


reached home by 6pm - aku tersandar dpn tv. nthg satisfied me than dis. managed to help out a fren in shyte. a senior plak tu.. and managed to sort out thgs well. aku enjoyed the class wit the stndts, and i hope they did too. Puan Mim texted me pjg lebar, and apperently aku not in the mood pun to reply. i mean - aku sikit penat. aku jst smile to myself, and replied 'dun hav to thank me now. u thank me later'. eksen tak? gtew.


Maghrib done. rasa pening2 lalat. sah2 aku crash early tonite. heh.










so r u.













on dis day, u read s'thg dat moved u and made u realize there were no more fears to fear. no tears left to cry. no head to hang in shame. dat every time u tot u'd offended s'one, it was all jst in ur head and really, they love y wit all their hears and nthg will ever change dat. dat everyone and everythg lives on, inside u. that dat doesnt make any of it any less real.


dat soft touches will change u and stay wit u longer than hard ones.


dat being alone means ur free. dat old lovers miss u and new lovers want u and the one ur wit is the one ur meant to be wit. dat the tingles runnin down ur arms r angel feathers and they whisper in ur ear constantly - if u choose to hear em. dat everythg u want to happen, will happen - if u decide u want it enuff. dat every time u thing a sad tot, u can think of a happy one, instead.


dat u control dat completely.


dat the ppl who make u laugh r more beautiful than beautiful ppl. dat u laugh more than u cry. dat cryin is good for u. dat the ppl u hate wish u wld stop and u do, too.


dat ur frens r reflecions of the best parts of u. dat u r more than the sum total of the thgs u knw and how u react to em all. dat dancing is s'times more important than jst listening to the beat.


dat the most embarrassing, awkward moment of ur life r only remembered by u and no one else. dat no one judges u when u walk into a room and all they really wanna knw, is if ur judging em as well. dat wat u make and wat u do wit ur time is more important than u'll ever fathom and shld be treated as such. dat the difference between a job and a passion. dat neither defines who u r. dat talking to strangers is how u make frens.


dat bad days end but a smile can go around the world. dat life contradicts itself, constantly. dat dats y its worth living.


dat the difference between pain and love is time. dat love is only as real as u want it to be. dat if u feel good, u look good but it doesnt always work the other way around.



dat the sun will rise each day and its up to u each day if u match it well. dat nthg matters up until dis point. dat wat u decide now, in dis moment - will change the future. forever. 


dat the rain is beautiful.


and so r u.


---


take care. cu arnd.








..















sometimes i think the only reason u stay in contact wit me is to let me knw how 'well' ur doin now, dat u've moved on.


i am glad. darn i am happy for u.


now fuck off.



yaww..







i had a good sleep last nite. habis je did the runnin - aku blah balik rumah terus.. driving thru the pasar malam yg sesak Ya Rabb was not and easy task seriously. i wanted to stop and got me coupla usual thg for dinner (amy be), but i called it of at the last second - since aku in seluar lari yg ketat and dat wldnt be rite la kot. nanges air mata darah kang makcik pakcik niaga kat situ. so i went back home, tukar baju - and rempit pi pasar mlm. and as usual - terserempak dgn few stdnts (female stdnts) and aku thanked God since aku berpakaian sopan Subhanallah. hahaha


normaly i wldnt do dat. i am kinda guy yg once dah masuk rumah, tukar boxer - dats it lah. i wont be goin out anymore. unless it is like antara idup dan mati. 



but semlm was not in between those two la kot. aku jst teringin nak makan apom balik je kot. hahaha.. had my apom balik alrite, aku balik rmh. and only then aku realised 4 slices of apom balik saiz besar tu jst lekat celah gigi, and aku still craving for more. which mean - aku lapar lagik. perhaps size apom balik pak cik neh dah makin kecil. perhaps aku lupa baca Bismillah. perhaps aku tak mkn lunch semlm.. or perhaps - eh, standard lah. dah ko senaman mcm nak mamps, sah2 la ko lapar, eh?


ermm.. defense mechanism. ppfffttt.


so i had dinner kat medan selera makan di Giant Sunway City tu je. by the time reached home - it was alrdy around 10pm s'thg, and aku rasa mengantuk giler. tersandar dpn tv wit remote in my hand, aku crawled up stairs to the bedroom by 2.30am, kalo tak silap. and smbg tido. in jeans, t-shirt. so not aku. seriously. tapi tak pe lah. tutup aurat kot.


woke at 5am, iron baju, siap Subuh, aku terlelap again. 7.30am dah masuk ofis - Mr V mintak tlg cover Pn Mim up since she was not dat well to invigilate paper final PostBsc Psych Nursing. and i did. tho invigilating was the las thg i'd do - tp tak pe lah.. dr aku duduk je and korek hidung smpai ke ptg. afterall - ur helping ur own frens. eh?


ok. lunch time yaw..




Tuesday, January 6, 2015

boring.

















nothg much at work. i had like most of thgs done and aku cant wait till the clock 'smack' 5pm so i cld go runnin. semua ni blamed on pengangguhan lapor diri stdnts lah, since banjir et al. supposedly by today - dah starts all the classes etc. tp now tunda to 12hb.


Amer dah 4 to 5 kali pusing2 kat tmepat aku, wit a same silly q's 'ko watpe Shah?'. and each time i'd told him 'i am doin some lite reading'. and he'll go to his place and answer the same each time org lain tanya dia wat on earth he is doin. bley?


Yus - she was there at her place stuck to the computer screen. she wakes up now and then - on to find somethg to munch. she'll come to my place and like 'ko ada apa-apa tak Shah?'. and to each, i'd go telling her 'apa apa nyer, Yus?'. and the third time she asked the same, i gav her the sort of unbelievable look at her and she goes like 'eh, aku dah same question kat ko tadik eh?'. perhaps dia ingat ku Giant ko jual jajan etc.


Tan? she went like 'Shah.. rajin la u Shah' again and again - tho she knws i aint do a shyte God sake.


the fact is - aku bosan. i had like coupla thgs in store to get rid of - tp aku malas. ye lah - ari ni baru Selasa, hoccay. kalo aku siapkan semua kerja.. then apa aku nak buat on Rabu, Khamis, Jumaat? u tell me. ok. alasan.


o Gowd. lambat nyer 5pm!!







pfffttt












imagine dis;



in the meeting
senak bladder - its a nature call!
buat muka sengal, bangun leave the meeting room
berlari anak ke tandas
masuk tandas, kunci pintu
unfly
and..


haaaaaaa.. *heaven*


buka paip
tak dak air


...









Monday, January 5, 2015

ignorant.











there r certain ppl in the world dat jst dun care. they r called ignorant. while it is, yes - ignorance is a bliss, it is also a fcukin annoyance to some ppl - like me. ignorant - as their name suggests, build a fortress around their so-called good life wit ignorance and fcuk-i-dun-fcukin-care, and the fortress keeps em safe and sound in the own lil perfect world - but still giv em a sense of comfortability to laugh at other ppl who care and to say 'wat a bldy pathetic fool they r' kinda thang.



u cannot go to s'one and say 'shyte, y u gotta sweat on all these, be cool la man!'. no, u cant when u dun knw a thang. i guess dat is how ppl r, some wit the burden of the world at their back, some w/o even a single freakin chip on their shoulders. and it is up to the one who cares, to take care of the ignorant; bcoz at the end of the day, the ignorant wld never understand the reasons y u care  so much.. and also u cant understand the complexity, or the simplicity for dat matter - the mind of fcukin ignorant. seriously - they dun care about u. about the world. and yes, i shld cool down a it and stop bein a b*tch.




a few thgs i'm grateful for dis week - and one of em is bein myself. i knw i am not golden, titanium or apa jadah sekali pun - i'm a aluminium at best. but to be frank, dat is only thg i can be grateful for dis wk. or a good month. or a good year. erm, baru je start 5 hari in the new year eh? over. seriously. but dammit, i survived. i am grateful for being me, and for be able to accept myself the way i am - tho i cld do wit some drastic weight loss. shyte.




there r days when thgs go as usual, as ordinary as any other day, but theres s'thg not right and i cant put my fingers on it, and it ticked me off. the day is runied thoroughly, until s'one bumped into u and was like 'weh, ko ok ke? pe hal nampak mcm antu mak jemah? mata ko pesal? ko sihat? ko ok?' and the list go on and on and on.. and u smile, taking the burden off lil by lil. and then another person called ur name out of the blue - askin how ur day goes and some small unimportant talk, before he walked away waving u goodbye wit the friendliest smile. the senior passed u by and says 'where to, adik?' (euw) u smile and answer her politely, see her laugh and u cannot understand y she laughed. but its ok bcoz it isnt derogatory laugh but a frenly laugh. and u went out, look up to the sky, and see the calm blueness of the God's playground, the sun shines alrite, and u knw its a beautiful day, darn everythgs gonna be alrite.


so, i am grateful for being me. dats the only thg dat walk me thru the week. the world is an ugly, hostile place but it also gives u an equal oppurtunity to see its beautiful, frenly side; only if u want to. i knw i am not much of a positive person, but i do absorb the positiveness of ppl around me, and these coupla days i felt like bein sort of left behind a bit; as always - works, busy schedules to be blamed. but the windm the sun, the sky hav all sort of positive energy and they wont abandon u even in their worst days. dat - s'how make me believe dat its a wonderful world after all. kata nye. and all those manic, major depressive disorders dat i've learned and the symptoms which i recognize very dearly, all subside to oblivion. 


thanks for lettin me havin these days.


dat i dun need rite now is a person who wants to argue w/o wanting to compromise. they suck, seriously. they really do.




---


great, its 4.40pm and no call from Putrajaya. i gez no travellin then.