Wednesday, November 25, 2015

as it is.

i am proud of who i am - how i ended bein the person i am today. i think i've been thru thick and thin, thru shyte and so many good and bad as well - as for me. but i cant deny the fact dat sometimes i wish i am living in someone else's life. someone luckier. i wish i can see wat others see in me. i wanna believe in all the compliments dat i received and actually reflect on it and be grateful for everythg dat i hav now.

darn, i am grateful. but i am not grateful enuff to the point where i feel complete. and i've been praying for dat feelin since forever - to feel as if dat everythg i hav now, is enuff for me.

"stop comparing where ur at wit where everyone else is. it doesnt move u farther ahead, improve ur situation, or help u find peace. it jst feeds ur shame, fuels ur feelings of inadequacy; and ultimately - it keeps u stuck. the reality is dat there is no one correct path in life. everyone has their own unique journey. a path dat's right for someone else wont necessarily be a path dat's right for u. and dat is okay. ur journey is not right or wrong, or good or bad. it is jst different. ur life is not meant to look like anyone else's b'coz ur not like anyone else.

ur a person all ur own wit a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams and needs. so stop comparing, and start living. u may not hav ended up where u intended to go. but trust - for once, dat u hav ended up where u needed to be. and trust, dat ur in the right place at the right time. trust, dat ur life is enuff. and trust, dat ur enuff.."

- Daniel Koepke.

Monday, November 23, 2015

wat writing do.

writing helped me thru my weird, darkest times when i was hopeless, helpless and was too embarrassed to ask for help. it was thru writing dat i was able to built a bridge make of reckless and poisonous tots to a place dat brought me to the ppl who (used to be strangers the but) means a lot to me now. or less, maybe.

i remember i rambled a lot and little did i know, there were ppl out there fell in love wit every harsh words written in fears and insecurities. and these few special ppl managed to grab me out of dreadful tots and made me realized of so many thgs dat i shld feel lucky for. they think dat my deep passion about emotions r rather fascinating than a burden for them to help wit. my past failures has brought me to a world full of hopes and chances. 

those were the days.

i miss writing a lot of honest tots when i was in the state of feelin down in deep shyte - the feelin off the cliff into a pool of negativity. but nthg can ever compare to the feelin of bein content towards everythg. u knw - to wake up everyday expecting sthg greatis about to happen, to love wat ur doin and doin wat u love, to find peace when ur alone, to feel someone's love when they r worried sick about u - those kinda thang dat u'll tend to overlook when ur way too bz wit ur own shyte in the head, and bein too bz bein a slave to ur own tot and sadness.

i miss writing wit the true heart in it, dat i din fake the whole feelin towards it. i miss writing w'out hav to think about 'wat if..' but to the tot of ventilating thgs out of myself dat matters.

however, i'm still grasping for inspirations to write down the way i used to - becoz writing anythg dat's related to happiness is pretty hard for me. and dat's y u hardly see i do writing for sometime - and today, i started to write again. i mean - it is hard to relate urself when ur happy, when u used to write about anger,depressed tot most of the time. 

i knw i havent been updating as frequent as i used to - but trust me, i've been meaning to find the right time and inspirations to do so. still, i failed too, many times. i  realised dat my love towards writing and the whole idea about blogging had never die. 

they jst faded away but they r still there - holding a rebel inside of me to set free thru the tips of my fingers.


i no longer..

"i no longer have patience for certain thgs, not becoz i've become arrogant - but simply becoz i reached a point in my life where i do not want to waste my time wit wat displeases me or hurts me. i hav no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. i lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me.

i no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. i decided not to coexist anymore - wit pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. i do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. i do not adjust either to popular gossiping. i hate conflict and comparisons. i believe in a world of opposites and that's why i avoid ppl wit rigid and inflexible personalities. in friendship i dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. i do not get along wit those who do not knw how to giv a compliment or a word of encouragement. exaggerations bore me and i hav difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. 

and on top of everythg, i hav no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.."

- Meryl Streep

Sunday, November 15, 2015


i wanna talk about assumption. assume. ass-u-me. things dat u and me do - everyday. samada ko tau or idak. or ko tau, tp ko buat jugak. or perhaps, time ko hilang kesedaran diri, thus ko ber-assumption.

assumptions r deadly. as deadly as the Swine Flu. or Gila Babi. perhaps gila babi wont cause dead, but then it harms u. or Cancer. or watever. seein all the thgs dat assumptions can do will most certainly spoil ur mood for another day.

gf ko lambat bls msg - f*ck, mesti dia melacur dgn org lain neh.. WhatsApp last seen jst now, ko perati je - tp haram dia nak bls msg ko - gampang, ko ada skandal lain eh? msg aku ko tak bals!! kawan2 ko sebelah sana ngilai gelak sambil tgk2 ko - nikhirrrimmm.. ngumpat aku le tu!

tu baru je a few yg usual example. let us see some others. 

  1. a gal walk into the hotel her bf is staying in. natural assumption - mak aii.. jalang doe. nak main le tu! actual fact - goin for a lovely dinner at the hotel's cafe.
  2. kid holding an empty cigarette box. natural assumption - perkh. habis sekotok rokok? mak bapak ko ajar ye? actual fact - picking up litter from the floor.
  3. lady with a bigger than usual stomach. natural assumption - eh, ko ngandung pulak ke? brp bulan dah? actual fact - she's just fat. hahahaha
  4. a group of teens partying. natural assumption - surely will party until siao siao one! alcohol, drugs, sex.. actual fact - farewell party je pun.
  5. man finds best fren at his home, dok bersembang dgn wifey. natural assumption - tipu suami. jalang. adulterer. infidel! actual fact - member dtg rumah nak anta kad anak kawen.. dpn rumah je pun.

there is a reason they call it ASSumption. assumption is indeed the mother of all screw-ups!

Friday, November 13, 2015


alhamdulillah - for today, apart of my scariest moment; i managed to go thru it well. it was my final, last supervision by the prof for my internship. i was damn bldy bz wit thgs, stdnts bz dgn exam, others wit markings, papers etc - he he insisted for a last observation. i was stuck in between - between works and all those unsettled biz.

and i started waking up at 3 in the morn., burnin the midnite oil, trying to finish up thgs. but seriously - i wasnt easy as u might think it is. aku dah study merata2, but dis - dis is the toughest. ppl said 'alah, senang je..' but i found out wat i am doin now is toughest shyte. i am glad i am about to at the end of the road - but then still; so many thgs to be done. had to submit the full report by 9/12, presentation kes analisis on 9/12. and dis time around - they make us a colloquium to present our findings. 

best kan? bapak ko best.

seriously i jst wanna get rid of dis. grab wat i shld be havin at the end of the day, and stay no more. and after dat - plan some other thang. aku tau, i've been saying dis time study dulu2 jugak.. tp by the time ko dah grad - ko rasa kosong, ko tak tau nak buat apa, and ko rasa ko wasting so much time on doin nthg and suddenly the urge to smbg study sets in.. and there u go - same ol'shyte. and same cycle. 

stress? yes. fun? yes. i had fun when i am in stress. period.

btw - marking still in progress. papers dah abes - ari ni last Sem 3 MAEM, paper emergency med. and starting today, i shld be focusing on thgs as preparation for tabulation real soon. another same ol'shyte. complaining? no. tiring? perhaps. but then again - i thank God for havin a good assistant - Fitri, around. he helps a lot. a real loads, seriously. i knw one day, dis jawatan i am havin now will go to him definitely. and i hav no objection, yes.

and yes - esok lusa aku keje, again. wldnt dat fun?

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

it aint dat bad.

i knw u hav a great sadness. i hav had a great sadness too. the loneliness. it was so intense u dun knw how to put them into words. ppl might not believe it when u said so, for wat they see - is wat they get.

but i want u to knw - i am alive and breathing well. and one day - u will say the same thang to someone else.

it aint dat bad. for life's like dat.

jst sit wit me.

it's not dat bad, really. if u wanna be sad - come and write sad songs wit me. or we can jst sit and watch movies. u pick some - i wldnt mind.

u dun hav to worry about bringing me down - i am alrdy down. i'll watch the blackness swallow u and u can watch the blackness, swallow me too.


a break.


back to work. it is not somethg i'd like to talk about or be good about it - it is somethg yg i jst hav to anyway. not dat i hate wat i am doin - jst dat.. haih, after like 3 days off, aku rasa mcm malas giler nak masuk ofc. biasa lah kan?so tak pyh la ko nak buat muka mcm tu eh? i am sure u'd be in the same boat if ur in my shoes. heh.

Sabtu aku di UPSI. another routine yg aku rasa mcm penat and tak sabar giler nak get done wit it. driving all the way down there for a 3 hrs class - yg at the end, the lecturer jst read us the slides and decided to call it off early since 'saya nak pi kenduri' mcm tu. ha ha.. and aku drive back home. Ahad aku masuk keje, since budak2 neh ada paper. no - theres no such OT in my life, anymore. no such. for P&P like us, OT is the 'ko dah profesional so tak bley claim' kinda thang. so - claim off day. claim off-day yg bersepah2 aku tak ter-claim. ha ha. Fitri mintak izin nak off since Isnin dia keje. since aku cuti Isnin - i told him to jst leave thgs back to me, since aku keje. 

imagine. Ahad. masuk at 7am, balik by 6pm. ha ha

and Monday - ofc called me coupla times and aku decided to keep mum about it. eh, malas lah. aku cuti kot. dun talk to me about paper lah, exam lah, dewan lah, kelas lah, stdnts lah.. argkh, i got life. so by 7am aku blah balik kg. dis ime around - our real kampung. bukan Bagan Serai, tp rumah mak abah at Kubu Gajah. mak and kak ngah's clan dah ada kat sana for days alrdy.

the mission? gotong royong. since Soleh nak kenduri kawen early next month, and he wanted to hav it there in Kubu Gajah. so us - abg kakak jst ikut je lah. dia je adik bongsu yg ada. hurmm..

gotong royong shld be another 'euw' thang for me. but dis time around - giler aku bersemangat! hahaha.. bukan apa, since dengan adik bradik. dah lama sungguh aku tak balik Kubu Gajah. since abah jatuh sakit, we moved to Bagan Serai. Kubu Gajah tak de saper lagi dah, and we didnt allow mak stay situ since Kubu Gajah is literally a ghost town. sian mak sorang2 sana. ada la kami balik sana still, tp jst a day trip je. and being me - aku prefer to keep myself a distance dr Kubu Gajah - since byk memories et al yg at any time at all cld bring me down and feeling sad. we still feel the presence of abah around in there, it is somethg dat we love. tp.. aku rasa down and sunyi in there, and i dun knw why. mak selalu ajak aku balik Kubu Gajah and overnite sana - tp most of the time aku declined nicely. 

tp dis time around - i am goin to stay there, and put up a nite wit everyone else. mak siap bermasak-masak, kak ngah dah kemas2 bilik segala and me, Soleh and abg ngah - we worked at the outside; kebun abah, pokok-pokok yg tak perlu etc, cuci tingkap, bilik air etc. penat nak mamps, but i enjoyed it.

and i had a side mission as well - nak pekena nasik lemak Ain kat pekan Kubu Gajah tu. giler rindu. tp Soleh kata tauke kedia kena stroke, so no more nasik lemak. and mak - being her, she decided to masak nasik lemak jst like Ain did. and ofkos - it taste different. i mean - mak nye nasik lemak is waaaaaay better. aku makan mcm kuda. terus rasa gemuk. 

tak pe. balik Ipoh aku diet lah. as usual.

erm, i think i shld get back to reality. keje. ari ni start marking balik. w'pun tadak paper. so much to do. and so many thgs to think about. 

and apa pun - i shld get some breakfast lah. lapar doe.

btw - Happy Diwali, guys.

teman mak pi Market Selama, as usual - tlg mak bwk bakul. huhu

and me - contract cuci tingkap. whole rumah, k.
terik urat. gtew.

keje kat kebun. 
action je lbey. bley?

me and angah.
Soleh kat atas. pengantin tu. darah manis.

me and the minimons.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

no u cant.

wld u yell at an apple tree for making apples? wld u scream at the wind for blowing or the rain for falling?

the truth is - u cant hate someone for being who they r. 

u shldnt even yell at a dog for barking.

back again!


been quite some time since aku last write anythg in ere. and it's been a lot too, thgs happened yet aku tak sempat (or to make it simple - aku malas) nak share thgs in ere. high time now - stdnts tgh exam final sem now. dah day 4 teori, last day osce pun. esok start marking. we'll be having Mr Azhar back in here again - as the Ketua Pemeriksa. since Mr Cheah no longer coming in here.

i've been runnin around as well. and most of the running event has been cancelled. BSN Putrajaya Nite Run cancelled. SCKLM - everybdy knew it well - cancelled. last Saturday nite; PUMA Nite Run - aku dah ran for about 8km, and been called off - since bukan sebab haze, tp thunderstorm. giler lencun. but it was fun. 

and scary as well - kilat mcm nak mamps,

and aku nyer intership dah nak abes. reports, analisa kes, presentation case etc - all in one, ujung bulan ni and awal bulan depan. tabulasi exam, kenduri Soleh - pun at the same time. seriously aku pening.

byk nyer report aku nak buat - rasa nak muntah darah.