Tuesday, September 15, 2015

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i yelled shyte out again to the stdnts, today. perhaps i did dat for a concrete reason - perhaps not. but u imagine - the exam shld be started at 10.30am, 10.40am - i had like 8 of them still around out there, ntah mana2 ntah.


and 10.50am, still dtg dua org - dgn selamba ke dpn, and asking for the scripts. ofkoz - i cld jst let them sit for it. but semua org tau - dis is an exam - unless u had somethg so urgent dan prevent u to be on the dot, dat wld be somethg else. ni tidak. aku tak bley terima such excuses like tertidur, kat asrama and such - while u knw everybdy in here dok tunggu ko to kick off wit the paper. masa aku affected, masa org lain pun affected - jst bcoz of ur silly, self-centered nyer excuses.


i yell out loud, and i kept my hand dlm pocket so it wont go flying and singgah muka dorg. but i was so angry, so pissed-off. i was trembling. perhaps diorg baru Sem 1 and dah buat taik. perhaps despite of so many reminders - dorg still mcm tu. apa yg dorg nak? wat r they tryin to prove?


Yus told me she was so scared seeing me like dat. she never see me like, yes. and lately.. sigh.


perhaps aku stress. perhaps aku so fucked up wit so many thgs dat i am ventilating it out not right. the facts dat aku sgt2 pentingkan punctuality, time, urgency and respect others well r somethg else, and the facts dat there ro so many shitty thang in - cld be whole thang contributin to my fcukin unkind kinda attitude.


dis is not me. i knw.


the haze is getting worst. at least t'hari ni much better lah sket. aku dah mula perit tekak, dah few days i skipped the run, and done wit work late in the afternoon. by nite - aku dah penat, yet there r somethgs tak settle. time management? tell me about it.


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i used to be a guy who wld never giv up, at anythg at all. if i want somethg, i'll go for it. and i'll make sure dat particular thg wild remain to be mine, at any cause. but now - i am losing the grip. i rather be a coward and let thgs off hand. i feel tired, and i jst dun knw wat to do. 


perhaps i am a coward.


a loser.









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