Friday, August 28, 2015


you and i knw - the dark doesnt make the bruises disappear.

it jst makes them harder to see.




"i had trouble sleeping" is just another way of sayin dat u spent ur whole night fighting ghosts - in the dark.



darn ur wrong. 

happiness is not forgetting. happiness is finding new thgs to remember. and if u cldnt see anythg to remember - u will find no happiness.

and when u cant find one - the happiness - any longer; perhaps u dun belong to where ur, now.



Thursday, August 27, 2015


i am home. alhamdulillah - sebelum Maghrib today. i was driving off from the ofc the tot of to go or not to go to the gym - and i ended up at one. not many ppl. ample space. and way better than any days. perhaps i jst need to clear my conscience - last2 aku ber-cardio je. runnin on the treadmill - where by initially, aku decided to hav a break from runnin today. 

tak pe lah. once in a blue moon.

i had my day alrite today. alhamdulillah, thgs went on so fine. w'pun i cldnt sleep dat much last nite, thinkin of thinkin - bangun way earlier since i was tired lying there staring into the darkness.. 

ada majlis pasang bendera terpanjang (so they said), berjemur tgh panas amek gambar, smile2 a bit, kecoh2 a bit, say hi hi and bye.. tup2 my Prof Madya alrdy there for my first internship assessment. God knws how aku pucat jgk la.. wit Allah will - Pengarah, Timb Pengarah, the counsellor treated the prof so nicely dat i cld see him feel sort of at home. prof spent like 3 jam dgn aku - assessing my skills, reports etc - and he went off by 1.30pm. God knws how lega i am - even now. rasa mcm malas giler dah nak bukak buku report etc for tonite - i jst wanted to hav a minor break, and start everythg new by trow. 

and thank God - aku managed to get a good client too for today's assessment.


i wanted to write more.. but not now i think. 

i'll see u when i see u.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

#throwback. wtf.










thgs dat u did on the weekend.
doin wat enjoyed the most, and shared wit those
who do enjoy it as well.

btw - all the above taken using
my Oppo 



semlm nye kisah.

i slapped a stdnt in my class ystrday morning. not dat i want to. but i did it. and i felt bad wit the whole shyte.

i came to work wit so many thgs atas meja aku - memos, letters, surats, asgments and such. and i think i cld take some time to settle wit thgs. but then aku terkejut bila Yus tanya 'ko kelas wat time ari ni Shah', and i was like - mana edaran jadual? kenapa aku tak dpt and such? fuck it, as usual. the penyelaras will do the jadual, amendment, tp tak buat edaran properly. kelas aku at 2pm. aku tarik nafas lega a bit.

but bila Shahrizan called, mtk aku relief kelas Fadil since dia EL - aku dah contemplating. aku mls, tsuara pun tadak. tp ada benda lagik aku nak catch up dgn budak2 neh.. so aku decided to go in. at 9am, aku masuk kelas - imagine, covering someone's else class, suara tak dak, cuma berbekalkan kehendak nak mengajar and cover topik budak2 neh. w'pun payah giler nak mengajar while suara ko basically mcm org nak beranak, and the stdnts were ok wit dat.

till aku walked to the back - aku saw dis one guy, sitting there, doing nthg. nthg at all. no notes, no nthg. he was jst literally sit there. when i asked him, he told me he did not bring my notes. ok lah - sebab kelas ganti je kot.bila aku tanya did u take down any notes, anythg at all - he said, no. he did not bring anythg to the class. and aku slapped him on the cheek. hurmm..

and aku shoo-ed everybdy out of the class, for a break,

aku came back to the ofc, wit the so-called numb feeling. lama dah aku tak buat hal mcm ni, but today - i did. perhaps aku stress. serabut. i think i am. perhaps i am teaching em a lil bit of leasson - but dat was not me. i dun believe in dat any longer. so i called the stdnt up to see me in the ofc. we had a chat. dia mintak maaf for his wrong doing and explained the whole shyte. bertambahlah rasa bersalah aku. how cld i jumped and took such action w/out further thinkin? i knw wat ever the reason was - it did not grant me to act dat way. seriously.

aku ended up mintak maaf as well to the stdnt. w'pun he said no, it aint my fault - i still do.


smlm last day Amer in the ofc. he'll be goin off  for his full time research-based master in UPM. kinda miss his presence. kalo tak - dia la yg paling awal akan greet aku early in the morn., and will definitely came by and asked 'ko ada kelas ke ari ni Shah?', like everyday. 

i remember i dun really like him dat much earlier on. Amer can be seen as someone yg a lil bit arrogant, a lil too big headed. but as the time went by - i started to see the different side of him. he's not arrogant, or a lil too big headed watever dat is - he loves to stand his on stance, point out his point well - wit facts and such. and dat amazed me. he's good bila bersembang pasal2 benda2 yg dia suka - somethg matured, critically kinda discussion - he's so into it. and he is also kinda guy yg bley go on well when it comes to small talk, sembang2 lagho. dia jenis kwn tak pernah berkira dgn kwn2, he willing to giv all dat he had for kwn2 - masa, effort et al.

and aku startedto learn kuar mkn pg dgn dia, pekena sepam dua, vent out and balik masuk ofc and work well.

now - aku sorg je kat level neh. i mean - not literally lah. ofkoz ada Mr V, Ramesh, Karu et al. tp tu lah.. Abg Din pun ada - tp dia sibuk giler. sgt2 sibuk u hardly see him even once a week pun kat tempat dia. kalo ada pun, dia bergegas2 kinda thang. sigh.

and ye lah - ada Fina, Yus etc. tp dorg pempuan. unless aku nak kena gossip dat wld be sthg else. hahaha

and semlm - bdk2 Sem 1 bought him a huge kek, yg basically kitorg2 je yg tolong habiskan. erm, 2 yrs is a long time. anythg can happen in between. but as a fren - aku wish him the best lah. all the very best in the whole for him. pergi, and balik wit ur Master. 

jgn balik bwk bini baru sudeh. hahaha

Sunday, August 16, 2015


i hope thgs r beautiful. and if they r not - then i hope u remember dis moment right now when they r.  before they turn stale. into some kinda shyte. 

b'coz u've got to hold up each and every other moment when thgs r beautiful and say..

"look. i told u. remember dis".


i am sorry.

JB pulak..

finally aku reached JB safe and sound. pretty lucky dis time - since i dun hav to drive. and aku had drivers on my own. bukan sorg, tp dua ok! hahaha.. tak mcm pi Alor Star, kena drive sendiri. ok la, since aku dtg berdua dgn Shidi. and to drive on my own - dis kinda distance? i'd think twice. or thrice. hahaha mula2 berbulu jugak pg tadi. janji 9am, foyer. aku smpai 8.30am lagik.. biasa lah aku - aku lagi rela tunggu org dr org tunggu aku. and bg aku - punctuality is everythg. 9.30am baru transport smpai.. ermm, aku feel like nak sound jugak - tp tgk abg pilots way way senior, aku diam je. tak pe lah. they must be having such reasons for it.

i mean - they better had one.

stop 2-3 kali along the way kat R&R, tup2 dah smpai. cool pilots. fun. and Shidi, i am fine wit him. he's chat-able. sembang-able. gossib-able. ha ha.. sampai2, check in and terus cari mkn. pakat2 lapar.. found a nearest place to even,we waited no more.

now dah Isya', heard of nthg dr Shidi - dia duduk bilik sebelah aku ni je. perhaps dia dah tdo. perhaps dia kenyang lagi. perhaps.. erm, dia dah kenyang eh? seriously? sebab aku dah lapar balik, doe. hurmm..

and dis hotel tadak Astro. i guess who needs Astro when ko bley dpt all Media Corp nyer channels. but then again, Media Corp nyer channel semua bahasa cina. and i had a tuff time. no movie channels. no MTV Channel Vs kinda thang. and aku tertengok TV3 tadi. seriously after like ages. and as usual - mcm babi. 

i am sorry. tu je yg aku terfikir.

hurmm.. nyesal tak beli jajan or Maggi dlm cawan tadi. blergkh.

tempat aku mkn tadi.
Tebrau Hawker mende ntah. no bad.

me upon arriving.
abaikan muka minyak bley tumis bawang tu.

view from the room.
not bad.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

someone woke up today..

someone woke up today. someone woke up today and kissed someone they love on the forehead. someone woke up today, and kissed someone they love on the forehead, before they left.

"i love u. hav a good day. i'll speak to u later".

someone woke up today. and kissed someone they love on the forehead, before they left - and they said, "i love u. hav a good day. i'll speak to u later. i love u. i love u..".

and they replied, "yea, i love u too".

and they kissed em goodbye.

for the last time. for the very last time.

someone woke up today. but they wont wake up trow.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015


the biggest scars r unseen and unremembered, always from a smile u forgot long ago.we wld never get anythg done, otherwise.



proud of me.

i just wanted u to be proud. dat i am better jst the thg dat u knew. better and worth while. but u always said it was better to be good, than proud.

so i kept all my promises and appointments and i paid all my dues and debts. so u cld be proud of me.

so i'm good.

so, pls. be proud.


Alor Star.demam. et al.

dis cld be the worst trip ever, keluar dr Ipoh - for me. i was hit wit a fever a day sebelum aku travelled up here. tp dah mkn ubat etc,i think i was alrite. but then again, by the time aku check in and such - i think the fever made a come back and it is getting worst.

and semlm - was the worst. in fatc, dah dua mlm turut2 aku jst lepak bilik saja, bein bed by 7pm. sucha budak baik alrite. and smlm - lepas je Maghrib, aku dah under the duvet since sejuk giler. gigil2. dinner pun call cafe bwh to send the food up je.

kena la RM25 for a small portion of nasik grg kampung. hurm, watdya expect?

3rd day today. i think i am much better. cuma batuk je tak kurang, and selsema dah ok.

Alor Star? apa yg best? seriously aku tak tau. tak sempat nak explor pun..

fever. yes.

Friday, August 7, 2015

its Fry-Day.

last day in the office. by Sunday, i am leaving off for Alor Star. for a week. dat is 9 till 14/8. when i am back in Ipoh on dat 14/8, i need to un-pack and re-pack since i am leaving (again) for Johor Bahru 16 till 21/8. sigh. 

the fact is - it is kinda nice to away from the office for a lil while. but dis is like too much - lama kot 2 minggu. and dis internship thang is killing me.

owh, btw - i am 'Kaunselor Pelatih' now. doing my internship of hundreds of hrs to be cleared off by November. supposedly. now dat i am away from the office for the whole 2 weeks (and since my supervisor knew about it alrdy), it looks like aku kena extend another 2 weeks lah. alarrr.. malas nyer. u knw i cant say knw to the HQ, dis is my core. so - i need to choose. 

shyte, it is.

dah 3pm. aku ada appointment wit a stdnt nak jumpak aku for sort of Individual Counseling. cewah.

see u.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Happy Birthday, mak!


Selamat Ulang Tahun Kelahiran, mak. i've called u alrite dis early in the morn. (w'pun the third since Soleh and kak ngah awal2 lagi dah wish mak so), tp tak pe. tinggal kak yang and abg cik. along sure they do remember - and they will definitely call u soon.

tho i am done wit the call and wishing and such - still i feel like to write sthg about u. last Tuesday, along glad i was given some ample time and able to spend some time wit u - drove u up to Taiping and pi melawat makcik kat wad. u looked gloomy. and sad. ur different from the rest of the days dat i knew u. kak ngah, abg cik, kak yang and Soleh kept texting me asking if u were doin ok, since ur worried much. u din talk much pun, and i knw u need time. and space.

along tau - mak sedih. mak sedih dgn sikap adik beradik mak. and risau of wat and how it is goin to be. mak finally givin in - since mak tak tahan rindu kan pak long and mak cik - so last Monday mak mintak kak ngah anta mak balik Taiping to see ur only left brother and sister. u found makcik terlantar sakit kat rumah, wit nbdy around. mak mintak tlg pak long called the ambulance and such - apparently pak long pun tak tau mak cik sakit kat rmh. how cld dat be? sigh. dat was sthg yg anak2 mak malas dah nak fikir.. makcik was admitted on the same day, diagnosed as Perforated Gastric Ulcer. thank God mak dtg on dat day, at least the perforation was on the early stage, blum sempat develop peritonitis and such. and makcik was sent into the OT at the same nite for urgent laparotomy. and now makcik was pretty much OK, dat transferred out dr ICU to Surgical Ward biasa dah pun.

so i spent the whole Tuesday, teman mak tgk kan makcik. smpai ke ptg. sent u back to Bagan Serai, and i went off to Ipoh after maghrib.

tak pe lah. makcik dah makin sihat. makcik pun ada anak sendiri nak tgk2 dia.. w'pun semua org tau makcik's fmly pun full of discord, but then again dat is sthg yg luar dr kawalan kita. 


as ur eldest son - along can promise u dis. along akan make sure adik2 along, anak2 mak semua akan bound together. there wld be nthg come in between of us, nthg at all InsyaAllah. along akan make sure semua apa yg mak abah didik and nurture us dr kecil, akan jadi teras dlm hidup kami msg2. biar la apa pun fmly sebelah mak, sebelah abah ckp - we hav our own ways in dealing wit thgs. and dat ways jgk la yg make us adik bradik, anak2 mak so close together. kalo dulu dorg ckp mcm2 pasal kita, let them now see us dgn rasa bersalah, jealousy and such. 

along bersyukur dilahirkan beremak dan berabahkan mak abah.

mak - along doakan mak agar mak pjg umur, sihat tubuh badan, fizikal dan mental, selamat dunia akhirat. along doakan agar mak dikurniakan kesihatan supaya mak dpt terus beribadat dan supaya kami adik bradik berpeluang balas jasa budi baik mak membesarkan kami - yg definitely tak terbalas. and along akan make sure - w'pun maybe thgs wont be as good ad while abah was around -  but mark my words; along will make sure mak happy dan sentiasa lapang dada, selagi mak around. at least dat is wat i can do. 

now dat abah dah tak de, mak je tmpat kami menumpang kasih. ur truly our Queen of heart.

along sayang mak.

Happy 59th Birthday, mak!

ur son;