Monday, July 20, 2015

abah;








assalamualaikum abah.


along think by now abah pun dah tau - along went to kubur abah pagi tadi. awal pagi. lepas Subuh, sembang2 jap dgn mak - kak yang sibuk nak prepare bekpes - along mandi and blah terus pi kubur. kena pi awal. kalo tak nanti budak2 dah bgun pakat2 nak ikut - payah. tu pun along bwk Damia, acik and angah. at least dorg bley tlg bersihkan kubur abah. and senang kawal since masing2 dah besar. along stay for a while, doakan yg terbaik utk abah - semoga Allah hindarkan fitnah kubur dan api neraka dr abah, moga Allah letak abah bersama2 para ambia' dan mereka2 yg beriman. along doakan juga agar Allah janjikan syurga utk abah. 


after like an hour - along balik. mmg seblm pi mak gesa suruh along stay for a while and had my breakfast first - since ramai, nanti tak sempat nak mkn dah abes. tp along ckp tak pe, along pi sat je. and balik - mak dah reserve some nasik goreng utk along as a breakfast. wonderful, it is.


abah,


semlm mak ajak kami semua pi Taiping. mak ckp mak nak beraya rumah anak2 sedara mak kat sana, melawat makcik and semua sedara sebelah abah jugak as usual. mak ckp kalo mak tak pi, mmg sah2 dorg tak akan amek port or amek any initiative utk dtg ziarah mak. kami tak ckp pe2 pun, jst ikut je. w'pun along tau - semua kami lima beranak kongsi the same thought and feeling - we hate of goin there again and again every year God sake. we hate being so freaking nice to some bunch of ppl yg tak pernah tahu nak appreciate org. and never learn. plus, tak reti bahasa. tiap2 thn kita je buat muka tak malu pusing rumah dorg and seeing them pretend as if everythg is ok. tp sebab mak - we jst go ahead. dis is the only time utk mak gather up anak2 and pi rumah2 sedara sebelah mak and abah. or else, she knws dat we r not gonna go there. for sure.


tp dah smpai Taiping, mak ckp tak pyh pi. mak ajak balik je. mak ajak pi lunch kat town and str8 home. mak tak bagi apa2 alasan pun, jst dat mak ckp - jom la balik.. again, kami tak ckp pe2. abg cik nampak mcm nak tnya mcm2, tp kak yang cpt2 ckp kita ikut je la.. me? aku jst ikut mak je. lagi bagus.


no wonder s'pjg jln mak diam je. must be a lot in mind. i wish i cld read her mind. but knwing mak - she's so damn good in keep thgs to herself. and she wont tell if she dun want to. otw balik - along tnya mak if she's ok or not. and mak ckp, mak ok. mak nak balik and masak2 so dat bley mkn ramai2. mak senyum. and  i didnt ask her anythg dah after dat.


pg tadi abah, kami balik Kubu Gajah. Soleh dah start keje ari neh. so - along, abg ngah and abg uda we gotong royong kemaskan kebun abah sket. cucu2 abah - acik, angah, Aleeya and Husne pakat2 dok kait buah limau bali abah. sakan berbuah skang, abah. byk sgt. abah ingat tak kecik2 dulu abah suruh along and kak ngah, tiap2 petang kena siram pokok2 kat kebun tu? skang dah besar2, dan berbuah bagai. rambutan pun dah berbuah. kak yang happy tgk buah noni abah byk berbuah. dlm fmly kita, kak yang je yg sgt giler dgn buah noni. she's so into all dis anti-oxidant siap buat air minum et al. euw.


kami singgah rumah Chu, abah. rumah adik bongsu abah yg tinggal ujung line lot rumah kita tu. Chu tadak, dia pi dialysis. menantu dia cerita yg Chu dah siap ke Sik segala on hari raya, tp tak pun singgah rumah mak. mak terdiam. berubah muka mak. and so did we. aku geram, nak je maki. smpai ke Sik raya rumah sedara yg bau2 bacang, tp rumah adik abang ko sendiri tak smpai pulak. w'pun CRF both kidney, tp perangai tak ubah2 dr dulu. ckp main lepas. kurang ajar dgn mak. anak2 dia pun sama. tp mak - being mak - mak ttp mak. diam dan sabar. tetap tunjuk muka w'pun semlm dah kensel pi rumah sedara etc. and aku? aku plak yg sakit jiwa.


ot balik Bagan Serai, mak cerita kat along dlm kete kenapa mak decided tak nak pi raya rumah sedara mara sebelah mak and sebelah abah. mak kecik hati. kali ni mak nekad. mak ckp, kalo dorg ingat mak, dorg dtg lah. kalo tak, mak ckp mak tak kisah pun. mak ckp mak tak kisah. w'pun sumpah, along tau sgt - mak kisah. angah pun ada ckp kat along yg opah selalu bgun tgh2 mlm, nanges. nanges sebab rindu abah. nanges sebab fikir adik beradik mak, adik beradik abah yg treat mak mcm sampah. mcm tak wujud dlm dunia ni.


along jst dengar. and sabar kan mak. kalo along nak tuang minyak - bley je anytime. along benci dorg2 semua tu like no words can describe. along ingat how they treated us waktu kami still kecik2 - each time balik Taiping - mcm pendatang. mcm orang asing. walhal kat rumah tok sendiri. tok pun tak ckp pe. sama lah - tok sebelah mak and tok sebelah abah. jst b'coz abah a bit religious, and mak abah had their own way in raising us up. along ingat Chu siap sorok lauk pauk dlm lemari, and ckp kami kuat mkn and nanti org lain tak sempat nak mkn. dpn mak. tp mak diam je. mak senyum and ckp kat kami, mkn2 elok. baca Bismillah. along tak sure abah tau ke tak. tp along ingat smpai skang. and kat rumah tok sebelah mak pun sama - jst b'coz along dan adik2 solat Maghrib sama2 like we always do kat rumah, and ngaji Quran after dat - Pak Tam made fun of us. Mak Cik ckp mak t'lalu harsh on us. nanti kami m'bsr terencat tak mcm kanak2 lain. mak diam. berair mata mak. along ingat lagi.


tp abah, look at us now. and look at them all, right now. alhamdulillah fmly kita tak dak yg drug addict, tadak yg lintang pukang fmly bercerai bagai. tak dak yg kurang ajar dgn mak masing2 and halau mak keluar rumah. mak abah tak getting old as grumpy old ppl, tak puas hati segala. kak yang and abg cik dah lepas ther Doctorate, adik dah keje as well. me - as usual. kak ngah - she'll be getting one more son soon, and Haziq wont be the 'adik' anymore. and us - we r so close together dat i keep telling mak again and again - if we happen not to hav them all as sedara mara, it is ok. mak has us. anak2 mak. it better then sakit hati dgn gelagat sedara mara yg tak kenang budi, tak make any change sama ada dorg wujud ke tidak.


Pak Tam and fmly raya di Taiping, dah sampai merata2 dgn Mak Cik and fmly, tp rumah adik dia yg tak jauh mana ni tak sampai2. Chu pun sama. sama jgk Pak Su adik abah tu. Pak Su siap pi rumah Chu smlm, tp tak pulak singgah rumah mak - w'pun otw je. sumpah - ni bukan pasal beraya ke apa. ni pasal respect. abah anak sulong, and adik2, anak2 menakan kurang ajar. mak anak bongsu and her adik beradik treated her like piece of shyte.


abah,


seriously along penat dgn benda2 neh. taip thn same old shyte. along tak pernah ngeluh kat mak, tp adik2 tau since kami shared the tot and feeling together. along takut kalo bgtau mak, mak sedih. mak - mcm abah jugak - sgt2 pentingkan silaturrahim. adik beradik. mak nak hubungan sedara mara kekal, let alone apa yg diorg dah pernah buat kat kita all dis while. mak - mcm yg abah tau - pasrah. berserah. mak selalu bgtau mak tak pernah lupa berdoa agar dorg berubah. and at the mean time - mak, dan anak2 mak kena tunjuk contoh yg baik. baik dgn sedara mara, no matter how bad they treat u in return.


but abah - being me, i jst cant. ofkoz along tak akan menjawab dan kurang ajar dgn mak. or buat mak sakit hati etc. tp along retaliate diam2. passive aggressive. along believe dorg neh took thgs for granted. and along believe someone has to teach em a lesson or two, and let em sedar diri. tp along jst dun knw how. 


if one day mak dah tak de - and dats it. no more all dis shyte. ada ke, tak der ke dorg2 neh - sama je. nyusahkan. along tau abah kecik hati dgn adik bradik abah dr dulu lagi, but u never tell. u never show.


but let us show them then.


along harap mak kuat. definitely mak akan tunggu dorg dtg beraya, for sure. and knwg them - they never giv a flyin fuck for sure. mak ended up akan terus mkn hati, and bangun solat tgh2 mlm and nanges. mak sunyi. mak dah tak dak abah. mak ada adik bradik, tp buat mak mcm tak wujud.


tp abah, mak ada abah. w'pun abah dah tinggal kan kami. mak ada kami. along, kak ngah, abg cik, kak yang and Soleh. and along tau - it is a huge, big responsibility to make sure mak tak sedih, tak sunyi all the time. and along bertggjwb pd mak on all dis. tggjwb pd adik2 to make sure they realize dis, as well. tp tak pe. wit all dis years yg ada, along akan buat yg terbaik. mak je yg kami ada pun. after abah left us. 


mak je tmpt kami tumpang rasa, kongsi kasih. tak dak mak, tak dak la kami. tak dak abah, along tak tau watever happens to us for sure.


esok pagi2 along balik Ipoh. dah keje. mlm ni kak ngah nak buat BBQ. abg ngah sponsor ayam segala. kak yang buat bubur durian - she knws along tak bley blah dgn durian mentah, tp dgn bubur durian - i can go crazy. Soleh pun akan smpai kejap lagi. dr pg dia dok WhatsApp ckp dok teringat rumah et al. hahaha


abah,


along akan dtg jumpak abah lagi nanti, ya? lama along tak mimpi abah. 



along rindu.












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