Tuesday, May 26, 2015


cant sleep. been tossing up and down, in and out of the bed for hours when finally i decided to stay put in here - kat bilik study. i did some reading. and i've been staring at the laptop for hours now, try to figure out how am i goin to finish up dis one last assignment of mine. it is sickening knwg dat u do hav some idea and such - but the words din come out rite. thus - i am not starting out right, as yet - literally,

mengantok, but i cant sleep. esok keje. bz day as usual.

perhaps i shld switch off semuanya and off back head the sack. see how it works. dah dekat pkul 5am dah pun.. 



i wanna get rid of dis seriously. i hate livin the live up to others' expectation. sigh.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

body language

Body Language_03

Reading body language is of course not an exact science, so here’s some more context on the tips above:

1. Worry, surprise, or fear can cause people to raise their eyebrows in discomfort. So if someone compliments your new hairstyle or outfit with raised eyebrows, that person may not be sincere. 
2. Whether you know it or not, your vocal range shows your interest. “Once a conversation begins, besotted women slip into sing-songy voices,” Psychology Today reports, “while men drop theirs an octave.” 
3. When you look at someone in the eyes, it sets an arousal state in the body. A leering stranger can evoke fear, while the stare of a lover can kindle romance.
4. In an attempt to avoid looking shifty-eyed, some liars will purposefully hold their gaze a touch too long, so that it’s slightly uncomfortable. 
5. Psychologically, crossed legs signal that people are mentally, emotionally, and physically closed off — which may mean they are less likely to budge in a negotiation.
6. When two people are getting along and feeling a connection, their postures and movements mirror each other’s.
7. The smile is all about the crow’s-feet around your eyes. When you’re smiling joyfully, they crinkle. When you’re faking it, they don’t
8. Someone who is receptive to your humor is most likely interested in you. Laughter serves as a way of signaling a desire for a relationship, be it platonic or romantic. 
9. They include holding an erect posture, purposeful walking, steepling and palm-down hand gestures, and generally open and expansive body postures. 

10. A shaky leg can signal anxiety and irritation. 



a basic one.
i think it's interesting.

Saturday, May 16, 2015


kelas mlm - kaunseling kelompok. Dr Nasir take charge - we had a simulation on how to run a session, using REBT. and again - i was selected to be one of the client. i was ok - until Dr Nasir open the session by givin us the topic - and made us list down the most influential ppl in life.

and he got me went on, first.

and for the first time in life - i finally vent out my everythg in me - regarding me and abah - verbally. shared wit the whole group of ppl. aku sebak - but aku managed to control myself.

and it turned out few of the gals in the group crying shyte out.

Dr Nasir dispute my believe system. he got me really do the thinking. and aku btol2 tersentak. even now - like 2 hrs post-session - aku still think the relevancy on discussion we had. all dis while i've been stuck in deep shyte. 

i wish i cld continue wit the session. i need to get rid of dis burden i've been carrying around all dis while. i need to stay clear and left all the bygone be bygone behind. i knw abah loves me and he will always do. and me - i love him for wat he is, who he is and there's no question about dat.

i feel relief. never felt like dis before. and deep in me - i miss him even more.

al fatihah.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

dat song.

dat song u keep playing is nothg - but a photograph u look at, wit ur ears.


its hard to stand bila ko tersepit in between both of ur bosses. at least dats wat happened to me dis morning. i came to work wit a ample mind - thinking dat most of the jobs r done, dat aku jst need to wait for results to come back and announced to the stdnts - but then again, it wasnt dat easy. remember i told u semlm dat my other boss called me and she sounded like a cat in distress?

well, dats wat it is. 

awal2 pagi lagi aku masuk mengadap - since Kak Ina was not around. andit looks like aku je lah yg kena ngadap. masuk je bilik - tgk muka dia mencuka pun aku dah tau naseb aku cemaneh. and she cried. perhaps shes ventilating. she said she cant work like. she cant work when everybdy is looking and screwing for her mistakes - and shes not getting a proper support from her subordinate. ofkoz - aku was kinda shock. i knew her for a very strong lady - she knws wat she's doin, and she'll stand her own stance. and now she's sobbing dpn aku. argkh.

semua org tau how she was 'tortured' in front of everybdy dlm m'rat kelayakan exam baru neh. how dis another boss of mine boiled out like a kiddo and forced her to confessed dat she was making a mistake. ofkoz lah - w'pun aku kuli je, u knw how it is. semua org tau how not good it isto wash ur own dirty linen kat public. 

watever unfinished bisnes skali pun - ko kena la settle sendiri2. bukan dpn staf  bwhan ko.

and tadi - most of the time aku diam kan diri je. a part ofitwas my own mistake - as s/usaha peperiksaan - aku jst compiled and standardized semua format etc comply to ISO segala haroom so nanti m'rat peringkat Putrajaya - tadak masalah. semua Penyelaras masing2 yg buat. they shdve knwn better pun. bukan baru sekali buat. and as my part - aku terlepas pandang dis 'small yet huge impact' kinda mistake. shyte.

so tu je lah keje aku dr pagi tadik - damage control. kuar masuk bilik Timb Pengarah, Pengarah. thank God bos aku lagi sorg kat PD for a course. kali tak berkawad jugak aku kuar masuk bilik dia..

and the worst part is - dis one stdnt - i cldnt help him out. he is well-known as a good stdnt, rajin, tau hormat other ppl and such. tp dah sem 6 - tiber2 masalah dgn research, buku log segala - satu pusingan pun tak tutup. where as those r the thgs yg akan melayakkan ko sitfor the final. aku feel like aku refused to deal wit dis. wit him. nak je aku let Timb Pengarah and Pengarah aku come up wit a decision. but i jst cant. reports etc semua dr aku. it was sucha pain in the arse. at the end of it - it was confirmed - tak layak duduk exam. jst bcoz some small petty thgs. sigh.

i told him before dismissed - dat he gotta help him self so dat other will be able to help him. if theres no such effort from own self - how lah? aku pun tak bley nak buat apa.

i hope he'll learn some lesson. bukan nak menghukum - tp dis is about some priorities in life. which comes first. and which is which. he was jst a step away nak grad - dis is his final theory papers pun. i mght not be fair to judge or to jump onto conclusions - tp dats wat it is. 


still ada one more asgment pending nak kena submit trow. tp belum siap. argkh. tensi lah. and weeks to come- its gonna tedious and pack shyte yeah.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

a day passed by.

ampun tuanku.

a public holiday, today. Hari Pertabalan Sultan Perak yg ke-35 dat is. and beside the cuti public - i am proud to beorg Perak.. ye lah - dpt sultan yg bijak dan berkredibiliti, prihatin dna rendah diri, low profile, and.. er, tampan. dats the fact.  no doubt. daulat tuanku. and the best part is - cuti lah. wat else. few frens ajak pi Kuala Kangsar - but no thanks, at day like dis aku prefer to say indoor, and 'mengeram'.

'mengeram' in the sense of doin thgs i wanna do at home, thgs dat i cant be doin during the workin days lah. heh.

woke up at 4am - i was thinkin nak duduk kat meja study and smbg tugasan smlm, tp the temptation to smbg the tdo was so freakin massive dat aku 'tewas'. LOLs. 6am bgun Subuh, smbg gegoleks. bt 7am aku dah restless. maybe smlm aku tdo bley tahan awal, and dah over-slept la kot. so aku decided to pun my jog-shoes on, and lari around the neighborhood. ok la. kasik peluh. w'pun byk anjing. ok jgk - they make me ran even faster. hahaha.. seriously aku agak risau since dis weekend - Putrajaya Deuter Trail Run 2015.. and aku feel so gemuk, so tak fit. kept telling myself i'll be ok. mmg selalu mcm tu. seblm lari fikir mcm2. tp bila dah start lari, berterabur je. and i'll be fine. insyaAllah.

kalo tak lari pun,
aku ketwok je lah nanti. kan?

balik jog, pi market. feel like cooking. and i did. goreng ayam, kubis goreng kicap and gulai ikan sardin. yes - aku mkn mcm kuda. hahaha.. sesia je aku lari jadah bagai pg tadi. tak pe lah. cuti kot. esok Khamis - aku puasa, k?


went to Body Alignment Warehouse Gym @ Bercham. huge gym. first time aku tgk such konsep in here. tak ramai org. so aku like.. hahaha.. had a gd time. maybe ramai gym go-ers pi Kuala Kangsar eh? hahaha.. terus reg jd ahli - w'pun bila fikir balik - mcm ye2 je aku nak pi since agak jauh dr rumah, dgn jam segala mala etc. gym yg dekat2 rumah pun skang liat nak pi. gym kat ofc pun dah berbulan tak jejak.. ermm..

luas kan? ahaks.
u mght as well sesat in here, and never come out.


esok dah keje. lama dah cuti - nak masuk keje pun rasa agak najis. td boss aku dah called, esok pg2 dah kena ngadap. pasal tatau. she sounds so insecure, in trouble. bos kat Putrajaya meeting, while here, aku dan sudara mara yg lain kat ofc - cuti. sadis kan? sian bos. hahaha.. haih.


sorry beb, aku cepek pic ni dlm
Google je. hehehe

btw - Happy Birthday to Ghaz Sanusi. today is his birthday. dah tua kot. tak pyh nak ber-kek segala lah ye? i wish u all the very best in life. more love, more opportunity, more good thgs in ur way - dlm iman dan taqwa. semoga jadi anak yg soleh, hamba Allah yg beriman dunia akhirat.

pe lagik? dah la. eh? hehe

Tuesday, May 5, 2015


owh. btw - i am home. thank God. it is sooooo nice to be back in ere. u knw - when ur in ur own crib et al. so - w'pun esok sehari lagi cuti umum (pertabalan sultan Perak) - basically aku alrdy treated it as if aku dah abes cuti. since asgment bersepah2 belum siap, and during cuti baru neh - w'pun bwk balik segala alam (kekonon nak buat kat kampung), tp haroooom satu pun aku sentuh. so, by setting my head telling cuti dah abes - aku cld sit and do somethg better. otherwise, aku mght ended up melangut dpn tv jugak..

wait. w'pun aku dah set mind like dat - tp even now aku dok ngadap lappy wit nthg in my head. sadis giler babi. nak mula mcmana pun tatau. penat dah ngadap jurnal2 yg mcm.. argkh. 

mcmana pun - i need to start it somewhere. or else, mmg tak akan start God sake.


Monday, May 4, 2015

the lost.

done wit the lawyer thang, langsir et al, aku decided to singgah sekejap Hosp KB - melawat pakcik Wan Abd. Rahman - ayah kpd Wan Amirudin, stdnt K36 aku yg xcdnt last Thurs, di Smpg Pulai.

he lost his dearly mother and his small brother. the father allegedly suffers a deep laceration cut on his (R) knee.

i spent abt an hr, talkin and listenin to him. Amir was not arnd - so its only me and the father.

we talked abt a lot of thgs. how thgs went well otw to Ipoh, how happy the wife was - eager to see the son. how the car swayed to the right and hit by the lorry. how he picked the small Autistic son out of the car, and how the wife was stuck in the car - fighting for her life. how the small boy went breathless and he din knw wat to do.

Amir must be a very strong young man. if i were him - i jst dun knw wat to do. dealing wit the lost. enduring the pain.

i left the father wit kinda numb in me. he hugged me, and kissed me on the check - like a father always do. and i knw he was crying. he kept thanking me to drop by, and he praised to Allah to bless me and the fmly. he told me to look after the son well - for Amir was so closed to the mother and love his small brother so much.

i drove bck wit my mind racing up the road. i've lost quite a number of ppl dat i knew well, lately. and consoling the rest dat left behind, wasnt an easy thg to do. u cant keep telling them to 'be strong' for u'll never knw how hard it is for em. u cant keep telling em to 'sabarlah..' for u r not in their shoes and u knw nthg.

so wat wld u do?


and today, in 2012 - it was the day we brought abh to Columbia Hosp for his first MRI. abh was alrdy cnfused by then.

nearly 3 yrs gone. and abh alrdy left us for good - yet i'm still struggling.

how cld u tell s'one sthg u never knew?


Sunday, May 3, 2015


yes. i hate goin to the wet market. i jst hate it. i knw it isnt a big deal for u, but it is massive for me.
i had history. period.
and the only thang dat kept me comin to such, is mak. she knws i wont say 'no'. she knws i am a good son. ehem.
but God sake. i hate doin dis. argkh.