Tuesday, April 28, 2015

the grass.

u din walk up the stairs when u were a child. neither when u were goin up. u skipped em, two at a time. and ur mother will scream shyte out loud. yet, ur smiling. u din go around the garden. who wld back then? u went str8 thru. u ran str8 thru, instead. u din avoid walls and fences. its boring to jst stand and watch em tall. thus u hopped over em.

now u grow up. and thgs r changed.

do knw dat life is short. too short not to walk on the grass.


its a lunch time. i need a break. a real one. dun forget to hav urs, peeps!


these r all the tears u've ever shed. the ones dat taught u to be who u r. dat made u grow up. and stronger. dat let u knw dat wat u felt, mattered.

and they r all ere for a reason.

Friday, April 24, 2015


still infront of the laptop at dis time - making me feel kinda down even more. i cant help feeling lonely. i feel like givin up. i feel like i need to do somethg way better than jst dis - and i need somekinda new view. new environment. new ppl and new air to breath.the work loads never end. and all dis papers, assignments - i hav 2 due before 10am trow morn and i am havin a severe thought block God sake.

tot of not goin to the ofc tomorrow morn., i received a text from the boss to be there early in the morn since there'll be another meeting to attend. 

i hate myself in dis kinda situation rite now. i used to feel alive wit all dis thgs - busy-ness - the more works to do, the better for me. but now, its not helping at all. and all dis bulshyte around me - i feel like runnin and hide - away from everythg so i'd be better left alone for a while and deal wit thgs better. 

there r so many thgs to take care of, and i am tired of it. i jst need to take care of myself - for a while. maybe when thgs r better, i need to get off for a lil while. away from all dis.

my right sole hurt like shyte. i can barely walk pun. let alone to run. literally aku limped like OKU. and theres Bidor Half Marathon dis coming Sunday. sigh.

i think i shld be off sleeping. lantak la.


Wednesday, April 22, 2015


early to at the ofc today. i got loads to do. meeting at 9am. and another one at 2.30pm. trow - mesyuarat kelayakan sumatif - and i need to be prepare for dat. and dealing wit all dis pengajars - is a real pain in the arse. yg ok - ok. yg tersedia masalah - bley sakit jiwa. deadline submit marks and kelayakan pelatih awal2 dah bg.. tp tetap kena kejar etc. my output is depend on their output. and i hate it God sake.

slept at 2am. and woke up by 5am. iron baju isya' all the solat sunat etc. went down for a small, lite breakfast and off aku to work. skangdah lapar balik. mesyuarat pg ni sah2 will be soooo long. blergkh.

and there r few thgs too buggin my mind. as usual. 

same shyte. same ol' fuckin shyte. 


hav a good day ahead, ppl.

sleep tite.

mid sem papers r gone,and everybdy was bz wit so many thgs - and with in coupla weeks to come - final sem will come around. and being me - i am alrdy in deep shyte. started to skip my run, i need to stay back to finish up so many thgs and deadlines r killing me. so many thgs to do, yet so lil time.

had a lay-back week end i must say. classes as usual, but it was nice. no pressure for sure. 


done wit few thgs. emailed em off as i needed to. dah berat kepala. its time for crashing. back in the circle. same ol' shyte. jst wait for trow.or coupla days to come - thgs will get better,as if theres no shyte, at all. i am tired, dammit.


everyone edits emselves here,andit makes me wonder whether ur ever actually connected to real ppl - or jst the ppl they all wish they were?


Tuesday, April 21, 2015


the sun still, surprisingly - came up and shone down onto the cold, metal leftovers. no loud noises. no screams. no breaking glass. no nothg. jst silence and sunshine. jst like u - u come and leave wit nthg; at own ease. as u wish.

u wld be forgiven for thinkin dat dis all happened on another planet. u mght think thgs will be ok - jst the way it is.

but it didnt.

Saturday, April 18, 2015

along the way.

pick up stones along the way - keep the ones u like. trust me, u dun need all of em. jst the one u need. and the one u love.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015


aku rindu abah sgt2 lately. been thinkin of him like most of the time. aku remember most of the thgs he said to me - rite up until the day he was admitted and i took coupla weeks off jst to take care of him. i remember the way he looked at me - rite into me - those blank stares haunting me. not dat i am scared or sthg - but i'm missin it so much - theres no words to tell u how it feels.

aku shldve been way better then i was, when he was around. i sldve been spending more time wit him. i shldve try way harder to get close to him - and tell him everyday dat he means a lot to me. dat i love him so much, dat no matter how and wat he did or said - i knew it was for betterment. at least for wat i am now. i shldve told him dat i am proud to be his son. and i love him so much. so much dat i regret i din tell him dat before. i got so many thgs to tell. so many thgs to share. i need to ask u thgs as well. and i need to knw ur point of view - as a father to a son - in so many thgs. i wish we cld talk a lot to each other. i miss ur jokes. i miss ur silly jokes - dast each time u cracked one, u'd be the first to laugh. and we all will do too, tho we knw it wasnt funny tho. i miss dat feelin in me. God, i miss em all. 

i miss u dad.

u shld knw dat each time i teach - i'd use ur role model in me as an example. i am proud of u. i am proud the way u raised us up - and be wat we r now. theres nthg wrong wit u. and if there shld be anythg wrong - it is us. and do knw dat each time i mentioned about u in the class - i'll hav dis lump stuck in my throat and i'll stop for a moment - lookin around for some strength to move on. it is not dat easy, i am tellin u. 

and dats wat exactly happened to me, dis morn.

along rindu abah. along shldve call u a lot. and talk to u. and spend more time wit u. along shldve call and talk to u - instead each time i called home and u picked - i'd go searchin for points and finally asked for mum, leavin u wit questions to ask me - along sihat? belajar mcmana? keje ok? and all i askin for was - abah, bley along ckp dgn mak? i knew it hurts u. i really do knw dat. but silly me for i did nthg on it. 

along mintak maaf. along syg abah.


Wednesday, April 8, 2015

half empty? half full?

the lesson - if the optimist says the glass is half full, and the pessimist says the glass is half empty, the shrink sucks.

like i giv an effin' fcuk.

love. feelings.

like everythg else in life - ur feelings can be either positive or negative; u hav good feelings or bad feelings. ppl say all the good feelings come from love - and all the negative ones come from a lack of love. i dun knw. and i am not sure if ur agree to dis. but then again - its up to u on wat ur believe in.

the better u feel, like when u feel joyful - the more love u giv out. and the more love u give - the more u'll receive.

the worse u feel, like when u feel despair - the more negativity u giv out. and the more negativity u giv, the more negativity u receive back in life. the reason u feel so bad wit negativity feelings is b'coz love is the positive force of life, and negative feelings dun hav much love in em. at least dats wat they say.

and the better u feel, the better life gets.

the worse u feel, the worse life gets. until u change how u feel.


u hav a good one, ppl. giv out love as much as u can. and i am sure u'll get back more than u ever think. gdluck.

Saturday, April 4, 2015


u think ur the only one who feels small. u think ur the only one who is not sure wat trow might bring. u think ur the only one who's scared the world might eat em.

ur not alone. we suffer together and hold each other tight b'coz when we touch each other - we knw.

u r never alone. ever.

u knw how it is.

as a child - we want to be old. when we r old - we want to be a child. 

enjoy the feelings on need and desire along the way. and always want. it is by wanting that we become.

day goes by.

another week goes by. but alhamdulillah - dis week is much better than the past - since thgs went smooth and way proper. PPS still on goin - and Fitri finally dah di lantik jadi assistant aku as Setiausaha Peperiksaan II. he works well. and Mr Hari told me to really polish him - so dat one day he cld stand alone - when i am no more around.

its Saturday - classes as usual. more new thgs learnt. aku cant help to feel better and excited wit all dis new info. i love wat i am learnin now. w'pun aku felt a bit hectic and penat - physical and mental - tp aku really enjoying it. perhaps - it is half of me. perhaps i am doin wat i like. and having all dis Docs and Profs around u - its amazing.

finally Tuan Hj Moideen - our Pengarah, left. pencen at 58htn. i had mixed feeling on it. i knew him way back then sejak 2004. before he left for Pengarah in Hosp Kota Belud, Putrajaya and such. i adore him for his traits. and now he left - most of us left in wonder wat to come for the future.


do not be afraid to cry. ur tears r warm drops of light dat remind u how to feel. it makes u more human than u think ur. do not be afraid to laugh. dat sounds is the song of a world dat loves. it makes u feelin kinda worthwhile. 

do not be afraid to care. it is by caring dat u do wat must be done. do not be afraid to stand out.

for, in ur case - u hav no choice in the matter. u will shine brighter than a thousand suns.

so do not be afraid.