Friday, January 23, 2015

last nite..

i remember feelin dis, last nite. alone, in my dark, cold room. i slept early, woke up and strugglin back to sleep. i left the washroom's light on so dat i wldnt feel dat suffocated. alone. 

i remember i am not feeling sad. i am not happy either. the thg is - i feel sadness jst when i am alone. no - not alone like walking back to the hotel, alone. not dat kinda alone. i feel alone when i am alone in my room and my tots started to roam and usually catch on the feeling of i am, in fact - alone. darn i knw i hav choices. i can choose not to be alone. but i am tired wit all the bulshyte mght arise.

but i cant bear havin ppl in my room as well, i feel awkward. awkward in my own nest, my own personal space. i cant stand ppl asking me dis and dat, tho i knw they jst wanna be friendly. it feels controlling. and patronizing. i hate being patronized, i hate ppl telling me wat to do. and asking me as if i am a criminal. and i hate when ppl shoot dat sympathy look. and i hate being helpless. and hopeless.

i knw i am not perfect and ur aint either. believe it or not - i am ok dis way.

maybe i dun need to be happy to actually be happy. euphoria. or be sorrow jst to feel sadness. i cant dart out Quranic verses or hadiths at my will, i am not a pious person, but dammit - i tried. jst not the conventional way i think.

i feel so small whenever i think of the universe. how big the galaxies r, and the milky way is a mere small dot on one of its arms. if dats not Allah's power - then wat else? thinkin of all the stars in the sky, make everythg else is trivial - yet it dun make troubles go. it jst makin troubles, less troubling.

bcoz i knw - sooner or later - life is a reality. and reality is wat i hav to deal wit.

i often read stories of ppl dying, and ppl living. inspiring and some tear-jerking. stupidity as well. i often jealous of these ppl - they got the light, the guide Allah had shown em. will i be one the lucky ones and repent. repent. dats a big word i think its the best.

when ppl really started seein the bigger picture, all the disputes seems ridiculous. the politics, the run for power, stupid ministers; all of em, is jst a small bump on a desert. and human - is too far too small to even wonder *y a w n* dats it.

fcuk. bila la dorang neh nak start presentation? and i feel like sleeping, now.

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