Wednesday, November 25, 2015

as it is.














i am proud of who i am - how i ended bein the person i am today. i think i've been thru thick and thin, thru shyte and so many good and bad as well - as for me. but i cant deny the fact dat sometimes i wish i am living in someone else's life. someone luckier. i wish i can see wat others see in me. i wanna believe in all the compliments dat i received and actually reflect on it and be grateful for everythg dat i hav now.



darn, i am grateful. but i am not grateful enuff to the point where i feel complete. and i've been praying for dat feelin since forever - to feel as if dat everythg i hav now, is enuff for me.





"stop comparing where ur at wit where everyone else is. it doesnt move u farther ahead, improve ur situation, or help u find peace. it jst feeds ur shame, fuels ur feelings of inadequacy; and ultimately - it keeps u stuck. the reality is dat there is no one correct path in life. everyone has their own unique journey. a path dat's right for someone else wont necessarily be a path dat's right for u. and dat is okay. ur journey is not right or wrong, or good or bad. it is jst different. ur life is not meant to look like anyone else's b'coz ur not like anyone else.


ur a person all ur own wit a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams and needs. so stop comparing, and start living. u may not hav ended up where u intended to go. but trust - for once, dat u hav ended up where u needed to be. and trust, dat ur in the right place at the right time. trust, dat ur life is enuff. and trust, dat ur enuff.."




- Daniel Koepke.








Monday, November 23, 2015

wat writing do.







writing helped me thru my weird, darkest times when i was hopeless, helpless and was too embarrassed to ask for help. it was thru writing dat i was able to built a bridge make of reckless and poisonous tots to a place dat brought me to the ppl who (used to be strangers the but) means a lot to me now. or less, maybe.


i remember i rambled a lot and little did i know, there were ppl out there fell in love wit every harsh words written in fears and insecurities. and these few special ppl managed to grab me out of dreadful tots and made me realized of so many thgs dat i shld feel lucky for. they think dat my deep passion about emotions r rather fascinating than a burden for them to help wit. my past failures has brought me to a world full of hopes and chances. 


those were the days.


i miss writing a lot of honest tots when i was in the state of feelin down in deep shyte - the feelin off the cliff into a pool of negativity. but nthg can ever compare to the feelin of bein content towards everythg. u knw - to wake up everyday expecting sthg greatis about to happen, to love wat ur doin and doin wat u love, to find peace when ur alone, to feel someone's love when they r worried sick about u - those kinda thang dat u'll tend to overlook when ur way too bz wit ur own shyte in the head, and bein too bz bein a slave to ur own tot and sadness.


i miss writing wit the true heart in it, dat i din fake the whole feelin towards it. i miss writing w'out hav to think about 'wat if..' but to the tot of ventilating thgs out of myself dat matters.


however, i'm still grasping for inspirations to write down the way i used to - becoz writing anythg dat's related to happiness is pretty hard for me. and dat's y u hardly see i do writing for sometime - and today, i started to write again. i mean - it is hard to relate urself when ur happy, when u used to write about anger,depressed tot most of the time. 


i knw i havent been updating as frequent as i used to - but trust me, i've been meaning to find the right time and inspirations to do so. still, i failed too, many times. i  realised dat my love towards writing and the whole idea about blogging had never die. 


they jst faded away but they r still there - holding a rebel inside of me to set free thru the tips of my fingers.


nyte.







i no longer..













"i no longer have patience for certain thgs, not becoz i've become arrogant - but simply becoz i reached a point in my life where i do not want to waste my time wit wat displeases me or hurts me. i hav no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. i lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me.


i no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. i decided not to coexist anymore - wit pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. i do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. i do not adjust either to popular gossiping. i hate conflict and comparisons. i believe in a world of opposites and that's why i avoid ppl wit rigid and inflexible personalities. in friendship i dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. i do not get along wit those who do not knw how to giv a compliment or a word of encouragement. exaggerations bore me and i hav difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. 


and on top of everythg, i hav no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience.."



- Meryl Streep









Sunday, November 15, 2015

arse-u-me.









i wanna talk about assumption. assume. ass-u-me. things dat u and me do - everyday. samada ko tau or idak. or ko tau, tp ko buat jugak. or perhaps, time ko hilang kesedaran diri, thus ko ber-assumption.


assumptions r deadly. as deadly as the Swine Flu. or Gila Babi. perhaps gila babi wont cause dead, but then it harms u. or Cancer. or watever. seein all the thgs dat assumptions can do will most certainly spoil ur mood for another day.


gf ko lambat bls msg - f*ck, mesti dia melacur dgn org lain neh.. WhatsApp last seen jst now, ko perati je - tp haram dia nak bls msg ko - gampang, ko ada skandal lain eh? msg aku ko tak bals!! kawan2 ko sebelah sana ngilai gelak sambil tgk2 ko - nikhirrrimmm.. ngumpat aku le tu!


tu baru je a few yg usual example. let us see some others. 



  1. a gal walk into the hotel her bf is staying in. natural assumption - mak aii.. jalang doe. nak main le tu! actual fact - goin for a lovely dinner at the hotel's cafe.
  2. kid holding an empty cigarette box. natural assumption - perkh. habis sekotok rokok? mak bapak ko ajar ye? actual fact - picking up litter from the floor.
  3. lady with a bigger than usual stomach. natural assumption - eh, ko ngandung pulak ke? brp bulan dah? actual fact - she's just fat. hahahaha
  4. a group of teens partying. natural assumption - surely will party until siao siao one! alcohol, drugs, sex.. actual fact - farewell party je pun.
  5. man finds best fren at his home, dok bersembang dgn wifey. natural assumption - tipu suami. jalang. adulterer. infidel! actual fact - member dtg rumah nak anta kad anak kawen.. dpn rumah je pun.



there is a reason they call it ASSumption. assumption is indeed the mother of all screw-ups!










Friday, November 13, 2015

yeay.








alhamdulillah - for today, apart of my scariest moment; i managed to go thru it well. it was my final, last supervision by the prof for my internship. i was damn bldy bz wit thgs, stdnts bz dgn exam, others wit markings, papers etc - he he insisted for a last observation. i was stuck in between - between works and all those unsettled biz.


and i started waking up at 3 in the morn., burnin the midnite oil, trying to finish up thgs. but seriously - i wasnt easy as u might think it is. aku dah study merata2, but dis - dis is the toughest. ppl said 'alah, senang je..' but i found out wat i am doin now is toughest shyte. i am glad i am about to at the end of the road - but then still; so many thgs to be done. had to submit the full report by 9/12, presentation kes analisis on 9/12. and dis time around - they make us a colloquium to present our findings. 


best kan? bapak ko best.



seriously i jst wanna get rid of dis. grab wat i shld be havin at the end of the day, and stay no more. and after dat - plan some other thang. aku tau, i've been saying dis time study dulu2 jugak.. tp by the time ko dah grad - ko rasa kosong, ko tak tau nak buat apa, and ko rasa ko wasting so much time on doin nthg and suddenly the urge to smbg study sets in.. and there u go - same ol'shyte. and same cycle. 



stress? yes. fun? yes. i had fun when i am in stress. period.



btw - marking still in progress. papers dah abes - ari ni last Sem 3 MAEM, paper emergency med. and starting today, i shld be focusing on thgs as preparation for tabulation real soon. another same ol'shyte. complaining? no. tiring? perhaps. but then again - i thank God for havin a good assistant - Fitri, around. he helps a lot. a real loads, seriously. i knw one day, dis jawatan i am havin now will go to him definitely. and i hav no objection, yes.



and yes - esok lusa aku keje, again. wldnt dat fun?





Wednesday, November 11, 2015

it aint dat bad.












i knw u hav a great sadness. i hav had a great sadness too. the loneliness. it was so intense u dun knw how to put them into words. ppl might not believe it when u said so, for wat they see - is wat they get.


but i want u to knw - i am alive and breathing well. and one day - u will say the same thang to someone else.


it aint dat bad. for life's like dat.










jst sit wit me.












it's not dat bad, really. if u wanna be sad - come and write sad songs wit me. or we can jst sit and watch movies. u pick some - i wldnt mind.


u dun hav to worry about bringing me down - i am alrdy down. i'll watch the blackness swallow u and u can watch the blackness, swallow me too.






..





a break.
















salam!







back to work. it is not somethg i'd like to talk about or be good about it - it is somethg yg i jst hav to anyway. not dat i hate wat i am doin - jst dat.. haih, after like 3 days off, aku rasa mcm malas giler nak masuk ofc. biasa lah kan?so tak pyh la ko nak buat muka mcm tu eh? i am sure u'd be in the same boat if ur in my shoes. heh.


Sabtu aku di UPSI. another routine yg aku rasa mcm penat and tak sabar giler nak get done wit it. driving all the way down there for a 3 hrs class - yg at the end, the lecturer jst read us the slides and decided to call it off early since 'saya nak pi kenduri' mcm tu. ha ha.. and aku drive back home. Ahad aku masuk keje, since budak2 neh ada paper. no - theres no such OT in my life, anymore. no such. for P&P like us, OT is the 'ko dah profesional so tak bley claim' kinda thang. so - claim off day. claim off-day yg bersepah2 aku tak ter-claim. ha ha. Fitri mintak izin nak off since Isnin dia keje. since aku cuti Isnin - i told him to jst leave thgs back to me, since aku keje. 


imagine. Ahad. masuk at 7am, balik by 6pm. ha ha


and Monday - ofc called me coupla times and aku decided to keep mum about it. eh, malas lah. aku cuti kot. dun talk to me about paper lah, exam lah, dewan lah, kelas lah, stdnts lah.. argkh, i got life. so by 7am aku blah balik kg. dis ime around - our real kampung. bukan Bagan Serai, tp rumah mak abah at Kubu Gajah. mak and kak ngah's clan dah ada kat sana for days alrdy.


the mission? gotong royong. since Soleh nak kenduri kawen early next month, and he wanted to hav it there in Kubu Gajah. so us - abg kakak jst ikut je lah. dia je adik bongsu yg ada. hurmm..


gotong royong shld be another 'euw' thang for me. but dis time around - giler aku bersemangat! hahaha.. bukan apa, since dengan adik bradik. dah lama sungguh aku tak balik Kubu Gajah. since abah jatuh sakit, we moved to Bagan Serai. Kubu Gajah tak de saper lagi dah, and we didnt allow mak stay situ since Kubu Gajah is literally a ghost town. sian mak sorang2 sana. ada la kami balik sana still, tp jst a day trip je. and being me - aku prefer to keep myself a distance dr Kubu Gajah - since byk memories et al yg at any time at all cld bring me down and feeling sad. we still feel the presence of abah around in there, it is somethg dat we love. tp.. aku rasa down and sunyi in there, and i dun knw why. mak selalu ajak aku balik Kubu Gajah and overnite sana - tp most of the time aku declined nicely. 


tp dis time around - i am goin to stay there, and put up a nite wit everyone else. mak siap bermasak-masak, kak ngah dah kemas2 bilik segala and me, Soleh and abg ngah - we worked at the outside; kebun abah, pokok-pokok yg tak perlu etc, cuci tingkap, bilik air etc. penat nak mamps, but i enjoyed it.


and i had a side mission as well - nak pekena nasik lemak Ain kat pekan Kubu Gajah tu. giler rindu. tp Soleh kata tauke kedia kena stroke, so no more nasik lemak. and mak - being her, she decided to masak nasik lemak jst like Ain did. and ofkos - it taste different. i mean - mak nye nasik lemak is waaaaaay better. aku makan mcm kuda. terus rasa gemuk. 


tak pe. balik Ipoh aku diet lah. as usual.


erm, i think i shld get back to reality. keje. ari ni start marking balik. w'pun tadak paper. so much to do. and so many thgs to think about. 


and apa pun - i shld get some breakfast lah. lapar doe.



btw - Happy Diwali, guys.







teman mak pi Market Selama, as usual - tlg mak bwk bakul. huhu






and me - contract cuci tingkap. whole rumah, k.
terik urat. gtew.





keje kat kebun. 
action je lbey. bley?





me and angah.
Soleh kat atas. pengantin tu. darah manis.






me and the minimons.





Thursday, November 5, 2015

no u cant.










wld u yell at an apple tree for making apples? wld u scream at the wind for blowing or the rain for falling?


the truth is - u cant hate someone for being who they r. 


u shldnt even yell at a dog for barking.




back again!






assalamualaikum.


been quite some time since aku last write anythg in ere. and it's been a lot too, thgs happened yet aku tak sempat (or to make it simple - aku malas) nak share thgs in ere. high time now - stdnts tgh exam final sem now. dah day 4 teori, last day osce pun. esok start marking. we'll be having Mr Azhar back in here again - as the Ketua Pemeriksa. since Mr Cheah no longer coming in here.


i've been runnin around as well. and most of the running event has been cancelled. BSN Putrajaya Nite Run cancelled. SCKLM - everybdy knew it well - cancelled. last Saturday nite; PUMA Nite Run - aku dah ran for about 8km, and been called off - since bukan sebab haze, tp thunderstorm. giler lencun. but it was fun. 


and scary as well - kilat mcm nak mamps,


and aku nyer intership dah nak abes. reports, analisa kes, presentation case etc - all in one, ujung bulan ni and awal bulan depan. tabulasi exam, kenduri Soleh - pun at the same time. seriously aku pening.


byk nyer report aku nak buat - rasa nak muntah darah.


haih.






Saturday, October 17, 2015

#throwback


















i wanna write sthg, but those sthg din turn up rite. so mght as well i share some pics - a lil #throwback katanyer. wit the boys on their Malam Kesenian dan Kebudayaan K36, on last week. or was it like 2 weeks back? hurmm.. cant really remember. i think it was a week back,


wit Al Muzil, he shared the above pics wit me. "sbg kenang-kenangan" katanyer.. and The Lelaki K36 - they won best dance step - simple but entertaining Penguin Steps et al. 



---


Saturday. qiam by 4am, Subuuh kat Surau Al Hidayah kolej and came back after the breakfast around 7.30am. masuk rumah - terus mengantuk. kelas UPSI was called off at the very last minute, and seriously - i cldnt careless. dah semester last neh aku dah mcm hilang momentum.. i jst wanna get thgs done and get rid of all these.


think i shld smbg tdo. cuaca mendung je - rugi kot kalo tak rehat sehabis habisan.








Sunday, October 11, 2015

..













my latest add-on to the running playlist
Martin Garrix ft Usher (ofkoz).




as time goes by.













as the time goes by, u realize u can never properly love even one thg, let alone everythg. u realize u cant be perfect urself, even tho u want everyone around u to be darn perfect for u.


dats y u get a lil sadder, as u get older. but yet, a lil wiser.


u fall in love a lil every day wit somethg new - and so ur heart breaks a lil every day. yet, ur fine wit it. coz ur getting stronger. and stronger.






Thursday, October 8, 2015

run!








last posting was 30th Sept. and today day 8 Oct. erm, dah seminggu lbey tu kan?


seriously aku tak tau nak tulis apa. so many thgs happened SCKLM2015 goes into the drain. and so wit the one dis weekend. p'pone to some other date yg aku cldnt careless. jst dat aku hope my BSN Putrajaya Nite Run wldnt face the same shyte.


i gez dats the way it is lah. thgs u can change. and thgs u cant.


gotta run. class now. u take care.







heh.






Wednesday, September 30, 2015

ink-blot.












tell me wat u see - when u fold my heart in paper, crush it, open the pages again.
again and again.








reflection.











there is an innocent , but selfish part of u dat wants to be love and be loved b'coz u knw - being loved will make u want to be worthy of being loved.


there is a part of u dat jst wants to see the kinda person u cld be - thru someone else's eyes.






where else?










2nd days in here, trow i shall be leaving back since thgs r about to finish wit all the modules things.they will kick dis Adv. Dip of Mental Health by next year in March insha Allah - and i'll be involve in TOT by end of the year. i seriously wanted to get dis done - once for all, i've been hooked on dis for years now, and i am literally tired. 


and travelling up here, dealing wit the same shyte and all the rest - is like a never ending thg for me. i jst wanna stay put and do my thgs well. they've listed my name as one of those to run the whole thang, and i am glad of dat alhamdulillah.


for the past 2 nites, i've been spending time doin my own thgs, reports and some thinking - life, work, and so-called running in the same circle thang - ur getting tired mentally, physically. 


and i'll change - for thgs change. ppl change. 


darn i wont standing still.







Tuesday, September 22, 2015

..









These four lonely walls have changed the way I feel
The way I feel, I'm standing still
And nothing else matters now, you're not here
So where are you? I've been callin' you, I'm missin' you.

Where else can I go? Where else can I go?
Chasing you, chasing you
Memories turn to dust, please don't bury us
I got you, I got you

Runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin'
Runnin', runnin', runnin'
Ain't runnin' from myself no more
Together we'll win it all

I ain't runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin'
Runnin', runnin', runnin'
Ain't runnin' from myself no more
I'm ready to face it all

If I lose myself, I lose it all

I fell from the fear that chased me - standing still
I'm running still, I'm running still
And every voice that cries inside my head, forever drives
Forever drives, into lights

Where else can I go? Where else can I go?
Chasing you, chasing you
Runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin'
Runnin', runnin', runnin'
Ain't runnin' from myself no more
Together we'll win it all

I ain't runnin', runnin', runnin', runnin'
Runnin', runnin', runnin'
Ain't runnin' from myself no more
I'm ready to face it all

If I lose myself, I lose it all
If I, if I lose myself, I lose it all

If I lose myself, I lose it all
If I lose myself, I lose it all




Runnin' (Lose It All)
- Naughty Boy ft. Beyonce & Arrow Benjamin.




---



u need no other words to explain. it is all there.
pathetic, no? 





Salam Eid'ul Adha 1436.









Tuesday, September 15, 2015

..









i yelled shyte out again to the stdnts, today. perhaps i did dat for a concrete reason - perhaps not. but u imagine - the exam shld be started at 10.30am, 10.40am - i had like 8 of them still around out there, ntah mana2 ntah.


and 10.50am, still dtg dua org - dgn selamba ke dpn, and asking for the scripts. ofkoz - i cld jst let them sit for it. but semua org tau - dis is an exam - unless u had somethg so urgent dan prevent u to be on the dot, dat wld be somethg else. ni tidak. aku tak bley terima such excuses like tertidur, kat asrama and such - while u knw everybdy in here dok tunggu ko to kick off wit the paper. masa aku affected, masa org lain pun affected - jst bcoz of ur silly, self-centered nyer excuses.


i yell out loud, and i kept my hand dlm pocket so it wont go flying and singgah muka dorg. but i was so angry, so pissed-off. i was trembling. perhaps diorg baru Sem 1 and dah buat taik. perhaps despite of so many reminders - dorg still mcm tu. apa yg dorg nak? wat r they tryin to prove?


Yus told me she was so scared seeing me like dat. she never see me like, yes. and lately.. sigh.


perhaps aku stress. perhaps aku so fucked up wit so many thgs dat i am ventilating it out not right. the facts dat aku sgt2 pentingkan punctuality, time, urgency and respect others well r somethg else, and the facts dat there ro so many shitty thang in - cld be whole thang contributin to my fcukin unkind kinda attitude.


dis is not me. i knw.


the haze is getting worst. at least t'hari ni much better lah sket. aku dah mula perit tekak, dah few days i skipped the run, and done wit work late in the afternoon. by nite - aku dah penat, yet there r somethgs tak settle. time management? tell me about it.


---


i used to be a guy who wld never giv up, at anythg at all. if i want somethg, i'll go for it. and i'll make sure dat particular thg wild remain to be mine, at any cause. but now - i am losing the grip. i rather be a coward and let thgs off hand. i feel tired, and i jst dun knw wat to do. 


perhaps i am a coward.


a loser.









Sunday, September 13, 2015

..







had a good day today. basically it was all in, i was staying put thru out the day. cancelled my routine up to Kledang like the other Sundays, aku went to the gym instead. came back - basuh all the kereta, scoot and did some gardening. and i cook for lunch as well. a simple one, dat is.


managed to get rid settle some of the internship reports (i still had a lot in store) and i did some reading. there r a few book on the rack i bought few months back yet to touch pun - and i came up wit some 'resolution' to read all of em - at least a book for a month. i had a nap. a good one. woke up at 5pm, i did some cooking again - a plain Maggi goreng wit telur mata, and bilis pedas. darn i feel fat.


Maghrib and i got myself prepared for trow. esok Isnin, stdnts akan start sit for their Peperiksaan Pertengahan Semester - which means, cycle of busy-ness for me will start again. 









Embedded image permalink





i gez i need to occupied myself then.









Saturday, September 12, 2015

to let go.






to let go does not mean to stop caring
it means i cant do it for someone else
to let go is not to cut urself off
its the realization i cant control another
to let go is not to enable
but allow learning from natural consequences
to let go is to admit powerlessness - which means
the outcome is not in my hands


to let go is not try to change or blame another
its to make the most of myself
to let go is not to care for -
but to care about
to let go is not to fix
but to be supportive
to let go is not to judge
- but to allow another to be a human being


to let go is not to be protective
its to permit abother to face reality
to let go is not to deny
- but to accept


to let go is not to nag, scold or argue
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them
to let go is not to adjust everythg to my desires
but to take each day as it comes and cherish urself in it
to let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody
but to try to become wat u dream u can be


to let go is not to regret the past
but to grow and live for the future.


to let go is to fear less, and love more.















Thursday, September 3, 2015

new ground.






last day in here. by trow afternoon, aku and Shidi will leave for Ipoh and shall cont wit life as usual - in and out of the ofc mcm selalu. and after dis, life will be on the fast track as usual - mid-sem dah nak start and by the time the mid-term is over, final will sets in w'in coupla weeks. and aku - as usual akan tunggang langgang - now wit the internship, concurrently as well.


aku in a bit of stress lately. at least dat is wat i can say. work, study, life - so many thgs all in, in one time. and as usual - any smallest, unnecessary benda yg tambah serabut kepala aku - i'll react hell and regret after dat. but not all - few r better dat way - i jumped, and i dun mind stayin dat way.


btw - i learnt a lot w'in these 2 days dlm kursus. terms in keje aku officially and such. and being in Penang tp tak pi mana2 pun (except Line Clear nasik kandar - tu pun Shidi yg beriya ajak), aku feel kinda waste. tp nak kuar, and aku sorang - darn i'd prefer stay in. dat is was i did for the past 2 days. stayin in the room and get an enough sleep. 


chance like dis is hard to come. once i do hav - better of aku tdo puas2.


---


i wanted to write more. about my feeling, my thoughts. but i started to think it is not worth of doing so - u write, and u jdge. u judge and jump into conclusions. and the end of the day, it is my who'd get the blame, and it is me yg salah and tak betul. 


and i starting to write somewhere else, too now. jst exactly the way when i started writing in dis blog - stayin anonymously unknown where i can write all shyte and vent out everythg in my head/heart - and i dun care if anyone'd read it, for they din knw me and i write at ease.


i find it to be even better, free and i find sort of liberation in it. one day - when i'd get comfortable there, i mght be switching completely, and put dis blog into an end. who knws?











Friday, August 28, 2015

nyte.














you and i knw - the dark doesnt make the bruises disappear.


it jst makes them harder to see.



---



gdnyte.





..













"i had trouble sleeping" is just another way of sayin dat u spent ur whole night fighting ghosts - in the dark.


sigh.











silence.













darn ur wrong. 


happiness is not forgetting. happiness is finding new thgs to remember. and if u cldnt see anythg to remember - u will find no happiness.


and when u cant find one - the happiness - any longer; perhaps u dun belong to where ur, now.



---



gdnyte.








Thursday, August 27, 2015

:-)








i am home. alhamdulillah - sebelum Maghrib today. i was driving off from the ofc the tot of to go or not to go to the gym - and i ended up at one. not many ppl. ample space. and way better than any days. perhaps i jst need to clear my conscience - last2 aku ber-cardio je. runnin on the treadmill - where by initially, aku decided to hav a break from runnin today. 


tak pe lah. once in a blue moon.


i had my day alrite today. alhamdulillah, thgs went on so fine. w'pun i cldnt sleep dat much last nite, thinkin of thinkin - bangun way earlier since i was tired lying there staring into the darkness.. 


ada majlis pasang bendera terpanjang (so they said), berjemur tgh panas amek gambar, smile2 a bit, kecoh2 a bit, say hi hi and bye.. tup2 my Prof Madya alrdy there for my first internship assessment. God knws how aku pucat jgk la.. wit Allah will - Pengarah, Timb Pengarah, the counsellor treated the prof so nicely dat i cld see him feel sort of at home. prof spent like 3 jam dgn aku - assessing my skills, reports etc - and he went off by 1.30pm. God knws how lega i am - even now. rasa mcm malas giler dah nak bukak buku report etc for tonite - i jst wanted to hav a minor break, and start everythg new by trow. 


and thank God - aku managed to get a good client too for today's assessment.


---


i wanted to write more.. but not now i think. 


i'll see u when i see u.







Tuesday, August 25, 2015

#throwback. wtf.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 




thgs dat u did on the weekend.
doin wat enjoyed the most, and shared wit those
who do enjoy it as well.

btw - all the above taken using
my Oppo 
JERRR..


hehe





 

semlm nye kisah.






i slapped a stdnt in my class ystrday morning. not dat i want to. but i did it. and i felt bad wit the whole shyte.



i came to work wit so many thgs atas meja aku - memos, letters, surats, asgments and such. and i think i cld take some time to settle wit thgs. but then aku terkejut bila Yus tanya 'ko kelas wat time ari ni Shah', and i was like - mana edaran jadual? kenapa aku tak dpt and such? fuck it, as usual. the penyelaras will do the jadual, amendment, tp tak buat edaran properly. kelas aku at 2pm. aku tarik nafas lega a bit.


but bila Shahrizan called, mtk aku relief kelas Fadil since dia EL - aku dah contemplating. aku mls, tsuara pun tadak. tp ada benda lagik aku nak catch up dgn budak2 neh.. so aku decided to go in. at 9am, aku masuk kelas - imagine, covering someone's else class, suara tak dak, cuma berbekalkan kehendak nak mengajar and cover topik budak2 neh. w'pun payah giler nak mengajar while suara ko basically mcm org nak beranak, and the stdnts were ok wit dat.


till aku walked to the back - aku saw dis one guy, sitting there, doing nthg. nthg at all. no notes, no nthg. he was jst literally sit there. when i asked him, he told me he did not bring my notes. ok lah - sebab kelas ganti je kot.bila aku tanya did u take down any notes, anythg at all - he said, no. he did not bring anythg to the class. and aku slapped him on the cheek. hurmm..


and aku shoo-ed everybdy out of the class, for a break,


aku came back to the ofc, wit the so-called numb feeling. lama dah aku tak buat hal mcm ni, but today - i did. perhaps aku stress. serabut. i think i am. perhaps i am teaching em a lil bit of leasson - but dat was not me. i dun believe in dat any longer. so i called the stdnt up to see me in the ofc. we had a chat. dia mintak maaf for his wrong doing and explained the whole shyte. bertambahlah rasa bersalah aku. how cld i jumped and took such action w/out further thinkin? i knw wat ever the reason was - it did not grant me to act dat way. seriously.


aku ended up mintak maaf as well to the stdnt. w'pun he said no, it aint my fault - i still do.


sigh.














smlm last day Amer in the ofc. he'll be goin off  for his full time research-based master in UPM. kinda miss his presence. kalo tak - dia la yg paling awal akan greet aku early in the morn., and will definitely came by and asked 'ko ada kelas ke ari ni Shah?', like everyday. 


i remember i dun really like him dat much earlier on. Amer can be seen as someone yg a lil bit arrogant, a lil too big headed. but as the time went by - i started to see the different side of him. he's not arrogant, or a lil too big headed watever dat is - he loves to stand his on stance, point out his point well - wit facts and such. and dat amazed me. he's good bila bersembang pasal2 benda2 yg dia suka - somethg matured, critically kinda discussion - he's so into it. and he is also kinda guy yg bley go on well when it comes to small talk, sembang2 lagho. dia jenis kwn tak pernah berkira dgn kwn2, he willing to giv all dat he had for kwn2 - masa, effort et al.


and aku startedto learn kuar mkn pg dgn dia, pekena sepam dua, vent out and balik masuk ofc and work well.


now - aku sorg je kat level neh. i mean - not literally lah. ofkoz ada Mr V, Ramesh, Karu et al. tp tu lah.. Abg Din pun ada - tp dia sibuk giler. sgt2 sibuk u hardly see him even once a week pun kat tempat dia. kalo ada pun, dia bergegas2 kinda thang. sigh.


and ye lah - ada Fina, Yus etc. tp dorg pempuan. unless aku nak kena gossip dat wld be sthg else. hahaha


and semlm - bdk2 Sem 1 bought him a huge kek, yg basically kitorg2 je yg tolong habiskan. erm, 2 yrs is a long time. anythg can happen in between. but as a fren - aku wish him the best lah. all the very best in the whole for him. pergi, and balik wit ur Master. 


jgn balik bwk bini baru sudeh. hahaha








Sunday, August 16, 2015

nyte.











i hope thgs r beautiful. and if they r not - then i hope u remember dis moment right now when they r.  before they turn stale. into some kinda shyte. 


b'coz u've got to hold up each and every other moment when thgs r beautiful and say..


"look. i told u. remember dis".



--



i am sorry.






JB pulak..









finally aku reached JB safe and sound. pretty lucky dis time - since i dun hav to drive. and aku had drivers on my own. bukan sorg, tp dua ok! hahaha.. tak mcm pi Alor Star, kena drive sendiri. ok la, since aku dtg berdua dgn Shidi. and to drive on my own - dis kinda distance? i'd think twice. or thrice. hahaha mula2 berbulu jugak pg tadi. janji 9am, foyer. aku smpai 8.30am lagik.. biasa lah aku - aku lagi rela tunggu org dr org tunggu aku. and bg aku - punctuality is everythg. 9.30am baru transport smpai.. ermm, aku feel like nak sound jugak - tp tgk abg pilots way way senior, aku diam je. tak pe lah. they must be having such reasons for it.


i mean - they better had one.


stop 2-3 kali along the way kat R&R, tup2 dah smpai. cool pilots. fun. and Shidi, i am fine wit him. he's chat-able. sembang-able. gossib-able. ha ha.. sampai2, check in and terus cari mkn. pakat2 lapar.. found a nearest place to even,we waited no more.


now dah Isya', heard of nthg dr Shidi - dia duduk bilik sebelah aku ni je. perhaps dia dah tdo. perhaps dia kenyang lagi. perhaps.. erm, dia dah kenyang eh? seriously? sebab aku dah lapar balik, doe. hurmm..


and dis hotel tadak Astro. i guess who needs Astro when ko bley dpt all Media Corp nyer channels. but then again, Media Corp nyer channel semua bahasa cina. and i had a tuff time. no movie channels. no MTV Channel Vs kinda thang. and aku tertengok TV3 tadi. seriously after like ages. and as usual - mcm babi. 


i am sorry. tu je yg aku terfikir.



hurmm.. nyesal tak beli jajan or Maggi dlm cawan tadi. blergkh.









tempat aku mkn tadi.
Tebrau Hawker mende ntah. no bad.






me upon arriving.
abaikan muka minyak bley tumis bawang tu.






view from the room.
not bad.