Wednesday, December 31, 2014

u knw

















u reach a certain age where u learn how to walk thru a crowded party w/o stepping on anyone's feet. u reach a certain age where u learn how to wear the skin u've been given, wit a proud. 


u reach a certain age where u knw wat true and wats not. and u reach a certain age where u can look at ur relationships to other ppl completely objectively.


apparently.



and the past keeps goin.















after ur gone, ppl will forget ur name. no matter how important ur, it was, and ur face - no matter how pretty it was, and wat u said, ur words, no matter how clever any of it sounded.



the thgs u've done will crumble and fade and the places u once loved, will change and be given new names. they say they love u but then after ur gone, those loves gone as well.


ur only here for one moment and it lasts exactly one lifetime.








..














i love u like i love the sea.
but i am not OK wit drowning.








2014 -- 2015.











been a along time. its been like a month since aku last jot somethg in ere. u knw i always wanted to - but i cldnt find find the rite time, the rite words. same ol'shyte, i knw. 



life been very bz for me last coupla months. but i like the way it is. it occupied me alrite. the study. the exams. the works. the travelling. and the running as well. might be a lil bit too early to boost around - but i am proud of myself. dat i am running. s'thg dat i never tot of doin.



last day of 2014. a tough year. hold on - i dun mean to be kinda melancholic in ere - been seein like everybdys doin sort of re-cap wat ever not in my timeline (Twitter, FB, Instagram et al) but seriously i dun giv a shyte. a dun feel like doin it pun. 2014 for me was OK. new responsibilities, new possibilities. more unknowings, uncertainties. i learnt to enjoy life as it is - day after day - and stop to look way further, dat u mght forget to enjoy life to its bits. cant afford to look dat further anymore. i gotta enjoy every secs, every air, every lil bits in every day - as it is.



works gettin heavy. and aku start smbg study aku balik dis yr - shldve done dis way back then when aku still got lots of time in hand. not dat i regret it - cuma aku rasa.. i dunno. i shldve done dis way earlier. way fuckin earlier. and yes (sorry i hav to do dis again), dis year aku start to run. tak de la HM or FM (i will, insyaAllah!), but i started sikit2 dulu. kicked off dgn Gua Tempurung  Eco Challengeto We Run Sitiawan, and Ipoh Run, Putrajaya Urban Run, Petzl Nite Run and ended up wit Tiping Run. there were like 2 runs yg aku sepatutnya join, but i hav to called em off since clashed dgn keje and i had no say. sayang, since dah register bagai, i knw - sket je tu. but for me - its a very big step. i managed to challenge myself, overcome my fear and do thgs i wanted to do for a long time. and thgs i never tot of doin. and i did it! insyaAllah - more to come in year to come.   



shyte. did i jst do the re-cap thang..? argkh.



and dats running for real. in life - been 'running' around too. in circle. tired it is. but.. i do changed a lot,  for i wanted to. for good. betterment. for i knw life wont be like dis forever. u hav to change for good. and to change - u hav to start somewhere. i knw - u can giv me dat look.. but is ok. its me - myself. and i knw how it is. at least i am tryin. which it is makin me way better than u - who jst keep on givin dat kinda look and not even tryin.



and the headache - think i gotta live wit it. it is a pain in the arse, alrite. but i gez once ur a part of it, and u knw how to deal wit it - u'll get stronger. and u'll overcome it for sure.



ok lah - aku nak mandi. dah lunch time kot. cuti sejak Isnin - duduk rumah do thgs i never get the chance of doin in my ordinary days. tot of goin for a jog early in the morn., tak jadi since i cant help to get drown in bed dammit. and tot of goin to spend some time kat Lost World sebelah rumah aku neh - but tak jadik since dah bgun lambat and now dah dkt 1pm lbey.



so - if ur celebrating the new year - Happy New Year, fellas. may 2015 treat u good. treat us good, instead. 



Happy 2015 in advance, y'allz. 













Tuesday, December 9, 2014

love? FU.














ur salary is not love and ur word is not love. ur jealously is not love, and ur cannot let go attitude is not love either. ur clothes r not love and holding hand is not love. sex is not love, either a kiss is not too. long letters r not love and text is not love. flowers r cheap,so they aint love and a box of chocs too.



sunsets r not love,and photographs r not love. the star? no they r not. and a beach under the moonlight? they r fake and they r not love, obviously. the smell of someone's else on ur pillow is not love and the feeling of their skin touching ur skin is not love. 



heart-shaped candy is not love and an overseas holiday is certainly not one. the truth is not love and winning and argument is not love. the feeling of being able to prove ur other-half's mistakes is not love and keeping urself low and keep saying 'sorry' is not love either. warm coffee isnt love and cheap cards u bought from stores r not love. 



tears r not love and laughter is not love. a head ona shoulder is not love and msges written at the front of books given as gifts r not love. apathy is not love and numbness is not either. a pain in ur chest is not love. a lump u felt as ur breathing wit dat bloody fcukin hatred is in - dat is not love.and clenching ur fist wit full of anger,is absolutely not love.


and rain. they r not love.



but u. only u. u r love.






the world..














the world wld be easier is the homeless were all jst lazy and all they needed to do was jst get a fcukin job.


the world wld be easier if evil were a real thang, instead of jst confusion, misunderstanding, and misplaced desire.


the  world wld be easier if u cld jst be happy for wat u had, be grateful - while u had it. if u cld eat memories like flowers to keep ur bloody heart alive.


the world wld be easier if comfort din rest on the backs of the broken, if ur swimming pool was dug by soft hands dat never worked a day in their life.


the world wld be easier if we all jst got rich and famous and we were all each others's #1 fan.


the world wld be easier if u cld jst say watever in mind w/o giv a flyin fcuk of wat others wld say. and the world wld be certainly a good place to be in if u cld say 'A' and mean it, not 'B' or 'C'.


the world wld be easier if it were an automatic.


the world wld be easier.


but it isnt.


the world is hard bcoz it requires real human effort to make it turn. the world is hard bcoz u may wake up today but not trow, and yet no one will accept 'fear of death and futile existence' as a reasonable excuse to miss work.



the world is hard bcoz u will hav to fight for the thgs u love or worse, fight the thgs u love. the world is hard bcoz the thgs u love will kill u.




the world is hard bcoz it was made dat way by thousands upon thousands of hard me and no one wants to admit we hav no fcuking idea y we r doin the thgs we r doin anymore.


the world is hard bcoz its hard to forgive and even fcukin harder to forget. u may say it is OK for u dat u may forget, but the fact is - fcuk u.


the world is hard and u shld jst giv up, right now. jst kay down and die. thg will be easier.


but u dun.








Friday, December 5, 2014

..














there r a million ways to bleed.
but u r by far my favourite.


sigh.




Thursday, December 4, 2014

world around us.













for some reason, a long time ago - u and i sat down and said dat on dis day - we wld set everythg aside and try to find some common meaning in the chaos of the world around us.


so in spite of the ppl who will fight around u, the fmly members who'll argue, the one's who'll tell u is all a waste of time and money, and effort - on ur own or wit someone else, u go out there an u find a moment. 


one serene, beautiful moment when the world and everythg in it makes sense. its rare. and it doesnt get handed to u on a platter.


which is y u've got an entire day to look for it.

love is..













but love is none of these thgs. it wont suddenly make every day ok. it wont change who u r. it wont make urcar go faster.


and it doesnt even wash ur dishes, definitely.


all love is, is love. and dats all it needs to be.


really.






take 2.






urgkh. pesal paper anatomy jugak la yg budak2 neh fail eh? dah mcm jwb teori je. mcm tenuk kawen dgn cipan. w'pun bukan aku yg jwb exam, tp seriously aku muak. come on. last exam. repeat kot. jgn mahu kantoi lagi, k.


kantoi jgk ko balik la tanam tebu, ya?


btw, aku realized dis. aku ada satu unexplainable habit. when lookin at a couple, aku ended up grinnin in uscha way it made me like a fool. an idiot. urgkh. its everywhere actually. even in the FB. reading, stalking others conversation make me smile. comel. i mean - kalo tak over dan memualkan lah. lovey dovey pics, arguing in FB, watchin sweet innocent Korean drama's couple. o man. 


ok. puke now. pls.



it is so sick dat i wanna stick my fingers to my throat and vomit everythg out. bkn one finger, tp all the fingers, k. and projectile nye muntah.


i am disgusting. euw~ the only way to prevent dis is takin two forks and pointing out my bijik mata. Oppa Gangnam style. eh, silap. P Ramlee style. aku nak ckp lagi, tp si Ija kerani aku ni tak kasik ckp. sekian.


2 mins up!


*salur peranakan plak. pe b*bi neh!!



muka tak finish.









well, dis is not the first time. time aku dok sibuk mengatur graduan utk perarakan masuk dewan utama tadi, aku came across the sort of same conversation (i bet u've heard it before.. or u've conversed the same thang.. kan?)


dis one man mengeluh to hi fren upon seein dis one 'hot' gal (which is bagi aku.. erm.. tak la hot mana kot.. 3 out of 5. bagi aku. but mind u, preferences!) sedang berjalan dgn her boifren (i assumed) yg kureng sket dr segi rupa. 


mcm aku selalu ckp dlm kelas - muka tak siap. or tak finish. i mean - bukan la mamat tu. dats merely the words yg aku selalu guna. again - i am not labelling dat guy, hoccay!


'asal larr awek lawa suka kat muka rempit mcm tu.. kesian awek tu'


or perhaps;


'dah tadak laki lain ka sampai kena kapel dgn muka tongkang pecah lagu tu?'


mmg aku dah lama perasan ramai org lelaki sgt tak puas ati kalau pempuan lawa ada bf yg tak ensem. seriously. tambah2 plak yg dok angkut awek lawa tu pengkid. hahahaha


tp ironinya, aku selalu jgk perasan statement mcm kat atas tu biasanya dtg dr lelaki yang tak la ensem mana sgt.. or muka biasa-biasa je, yg nak jugak ber-gf perempuan lawa.


apa ko rasa eh? me? one word. sedih. bukan to dat guy yang tak siap tu. tp to the one yg complaining such. haha






argkh







imagine dis. ko tdo awal. assignments ko berlambak-lambak lagi tak siap, due sehari dua lagik. since ngantok ko tdo dulu. set jam. alarm bunyi ko meraba-raba masuk bilik air, celup jari dlm air, basahkan bijik mata ko. semangat tetap ada.


duduk je dpn laptop, semangat giler neh nak siapkan segala alam - bukak je laptop - terus kepala beringgut kiri kanan mcm kena rasuk since tetiber je ko ngantok balik. 


b*bi kan? argkh.