Saturday, August 23, 2014

answer?











do u ever feel like ur just wasting ur time? or ur life, perhaps? like day after day, the same ol'shyte. wat can u do to make ur life worthwhile? wat do u want, wat makes u happy.. wat shld u be doin so dat it doesnt feel like ur just wasting away ur limited days, on earth?


how do u find the meanin of life? wat r u livin for? sometimes even if we do knw wat we want and wat wld make us happy - it feels like the world is freakin bent on conspiring against u, makin sure u dun get it. 


its like fate doesnt want u to be happy. u wanna live life for the fullest but u dun even knw where the hell to start. how do u stop the loneliness from creepin in?


dun look at me like dat. coz i hav no idea. maybe the answer r jst around the corner.


or maybe, the answer is in u?







Friday, August 15, 2014

..and ur gone.








i was doin my work when i heard Puan Ong calling up for Ameer, asking for his help bukak few tingkap since 'ada burung masuk building and now tak bley keluar'. aku cldnt care less, since mmg kerap our level ni burung-burung tersilap terbang and masuk in here, not knwg how to get the hell outta ere. 


and aku over-heard Puan Ong ngomel sorang2, telling someone else 'kesian dia langgar cermin.. mesti head injury' kinda thg. still, aku mls nak amek port, aku had thgs to be done. 


until aku bgun off to the washroom and aku came over the bird, on the floor - lookin so serba tak kena, and she was there quietly, and has no intention to fly away pun - by the time aku get closer to her. i cldnt help myself to believe Puan Ong's words dat 'mesti head injury' kinda thang. concussion ke ko? contusion? ada LOC?


so aku had her in the palm of my hand - the bird struggled a bit, tp kinda weak la kot. aku held her, and bwk keluar dr Bilik Pengajar ke pavillion tempat aku selalu lepak kalo in here sejuk giler. aku sat down for a while, holding her in my had. the eyes were so flaming red, and i cld see mcm kinda spot of blood kat her paruh. its Raven la kot. i think. i am not a bird-ologist, so dun ask me, coz i dun knw. 


i sat there for about 20mins., havin it in my hand. tak pernah seumur hidup aku holding sekor burung yg hidup and she din do anythg at all. aku usap2, and i cld feel the claws clawing my fingers well.


dat was when she finally terbang a bit, and landed down atas simen. aku tgk saja lah. malas nak takut kan her. i knew somehow or rather, she'll get away - either aku nak or tak nak. she stood there dpn aku for w lil while, as if mcm tgk aku in one kind. and finally she flew away - jst like dat.


i hope she'll make it. i knw she will la kot.


i was kinda happy havin her in my hand for dat short while, and then she left. i sat there for a while, thinkin. i am not sure how and wat to tell - but i am sure i am havin sort of strange feelin in me God sake. its like a minute ur havin s'thg in ur hand, and the next time u knw - its gone. and theres nthg u can do about it. and u cant stop it either. 


u knw - i mean.. *sigh*. i dun knw.


i jst hope she'll be alrite.


































letting go..
















If you’re filled with resentment or frustration, you’re wasting your precious time and energy. The more quickly you can let the bad stuff go, the more quickly you can move on to the good stuff. People and events will regularly cause delays, inconveniences, expenses, disappointments and worse in your life. Don’t add to the damages by letting those things keep you down.


When people have wronged you or events have sidetracked you, you have plenty of great reasons for complaints and excuses. But complaints and excuses don’t provide anything of value to your life. Although whatever has happened to you may be highly unfair, wrong and inconsiderate, consider letting it go. For your own sake, consider letting it go.


Instead of giving others the power to get you down, give yourself the power to move forward. Instead of being content to collect those complaints and excuses, enjoy the freedom and satisfaction of making life positive and fulfilling no matter what.


Make the choice to live with joy, intention and purpose rather than with anger and resentment. Free yourself from the world’s negativity by choosing to look ahead, to live ahead, and to get ahead.




- Ralph Marston

words.






















i wanna write somethg regarding the both above - but the words doesnt come rite up and i cldnt find any perfect one how to describe it anyway. writer block? nah. i am not a writer. a thought block, wld be good enuff. maybe.


another weekend. Yus was looking around for someone who can cover her 2hrs up of classes trow - and aku decided to giv it a shoot. Saturday. 2 hrs class. 11am to 1pm. tak pe lah. rather than stayin back home, doin nthg and entertaining all those shyte in mind. aku hope the stdnts wldnt mind at all, seeing my face like everyday, lately.


erm. will write more. i mean - wit the state i am in - u can expect me to up wit lots shyte, definitely. jgn lupa Jumaat, guys.







Thursday, August 14, 2014

*no tajuk*









one of the many great thgs of failure in dat u dun hav xpctation burdened on ur broad and fat shoulder (dat is mine). instead, the only person dat excptation u shld hav is urself and knwg dat u can do it and has to do it for urself and not for any other reason, is worthless.


seriously, how far can one goes wit arse kicked by someone else's feet before they finally decice dat it doesnt feels so good to be pushed around like dat. and if u do s'thg for the sake of havin s'one gives a big, bloody pat on ur bloody back, will, at some point, be useless.


the only feel dat deserved to kick ur smelly arse and the only pat dat is worth to be proud of, is urs. there is no emotion beats satisfaction of makin urself, urself proud. owh it is so totally understandable when ur mom asked u to scrap the dried leaves off ur yard, and u do it anyway, but wit a fit of a scorned 5yo ignored of Barbie doll request and series of undertone murmur; yes, dat is acceptable. sape tak pernah acted like dat? or ko nak mengaku ko tak pernah? tak pyh nak mohong. coz i did.


of my journey in life so far, i've learnt not to be pushed or expect a reply in every nice thgs i do. altho some do doubted me, after all; i am not the best person around, i mean - hey, dis dun compare to best stndt, best athletem articulate speaker, great writer lah. i am sloppy second, i am the last person to be chosen in gym class (if any in M'sia). i am practically nbdy. 


but i am ok wit dat.


the only ticket dat bought my way all dis while  (and i hope is still valid) is my emphaty, and altho it is hard to believe - and sincerity.


how is dis about me?


i've met many ppl dat is practically mammal-chameleon. they look so beautiful on the outside, but if u look closer - there r spots of blacheads and scars. mind u - itu metafora. ko jgn fikir aku serious. ye, aku serious. and dat is a metaphor. i mean, some ppl can go out on a limb to be liked, charming and appealing; altho some of us go out of the line to be called ganas, brutal or urban, anyway; it all pretentious. how cliche does dat sound? it is. i knw. 


i dun think i hav to tell about all these kinda ppl to u. u've met em everyday, hell; they r probably next to u. i mean, kalo ko malas nak look around - look into urself. and maybe u'll find somethg. i mean, literally. but how to deal wit dis kinda ever growing populated ppl?


well, like any other cases, i usually jst deal wit the shytes, go wit the flow and see how far they can hold it together. i hate em jst as much, but not as much as dat bronze colored hair, ugly puckered shyte-face of a guy dat broke my fragile, vulnerable lil kinda heart. ok. muntah now.


back to the first paragraph - did i actually was about to write failure? LOLs. look how far i've strayed off. derailed. u got wat i wanted to say, aye? basically, i was talking bout ppl yg soooo pretentious, u knw, and hate it so much for it, but i hav to shut my pie hole. and dis is a polite, civilized way of doin dat. am i high? meroyan since tak cukup tdo? well, high wit hatred. dat is.


damn. i gotta learn to be more forward, duncha think?


---


btw - nama aku naik, again. to go and teach there in Seremban. nak. or tak nak? dats the q's.













..







salam. good morning.


i feel much better dis morning. apart of i woke up by 2am sthg, but alhamdulillah aku managed to crashed back around 4am and bangun for Subuh and iron baju semua segala bagai by 6am. btw - semlm aku tdo awal - jst in case ko nak tau lah . by 10pm aku dah knocked out. penat. mengantuk. 


smpai ofc awal. aku dah sort out thgs benda yg perlu aku buat and need to settle coupla thgs by today. class at 8 to 100,and after dat aku free. tot of goin for PLA kejap. tgk la mcmana - kalo aku rajin.


basically, i am making up my mind. tho i am not sure of decision made - tp aku i am sure i'll make up one in no time at all. aku am tired runnin in circle. 


gtg. see u around. hav a pleasant day ahead, peeps.









Wednesday, August 13, 2014

..







'scratch my back, and i'll definitely scratch urs'.


and i did it again. i shooo-ed a stdnt out of my class, jst now.


but i hav no regret. it is a learning process tho. u imagine dis - a repeat sem stdnt, masuk sem ni pun after repeat paper nye result yg ala-ala, masuk kelas, duduk belakang. when u teach for years, over the years u will gain some 'abilities' to distinguish stdnt mana yg belajar in ur class, and stdnt mana yg tidak - and dis stdnt is apparently he is not. so aku panggil duduk dpn, rite under my nose. 


and the rest of it, is a story.


he came down, hav a sit dpn ko, wit nthg at all. no notes, no buku kecik paper watever not. i asked him nicely 'mana nota awak?' since aku dah bg hands-out awal2 lagi and everybdy is havin it. and he is not. he told me bluntly 'saya tak dpt nota'. while everybdy does. i said - while everybdy does. so aku asked AJK Akademik - did she or not distribute the notes and make sure everybdy hav it, and she said yes. 


yet dis boy said he din get the note. 


fine. maybe ada communication ke aper2, u never knw. so aku asked him again - nicely, did he or not try his best to go around and get the note. and gez wat? boldly enuff, he said 'tak sempat'. aku bg nota last week, and today ko ckp tak sempat. wat kinda shyte is dat? it got on my nerve, and sebelum aku penampar or apa2 yg worst than dat happen - aku shooo him out of the class. jst like dat. i had my voice raised up, and the whole class went silent for a while. and it left me grittin my teeth in anger.


say watever u want. wait till u in my shoes. ko nak ckp 'owh, ko tak bley mcm tu.. u din do any good.. u din bring any changes' or watever the hell it is, go ahead. ur not in my bloody shoes. so tak pyh nak pretend mcm ko malaikat. as i said - be in my bloody shoes. and u decide. the thg is aku dah highlighted the do's and the dun's in my classes, and they jst hav to follow it well. itu je. and i've told em, if they dun fell like gettin in my class, u dun hav to - for dat shows ur havin some respect - rather than ko masuk kelas, and do shyte. aku tak suka.


i knw benda kecik je tu. i went thru benda ni byk kali dah pun. but i started to realized dat i am losing my grip easily, lately. aku cepat marah, get irritated for even a smallest thang. i am not sure y. or perhaps i do knw y. and i knw i gotta do sthg about dis whole shyte, before it gets too late. sigh.


---


5hrs of class today. 


crashed early semlm. aku left my sport bag, my beg kerja full of thesis, lappy and everythg dlm kereta. and aku lupa kunci kereta. slept by 10pm, by 2am aku dah terjaga. aku rasa serabut, geram, marah, sad. everythg in one. aku kesal since semua org tdo nyenyak yet aku dok kira kambing, wondering aku tak bley tdo and such. tossin up and down, staring into the dark, forcing urself back to sleep - been there, done em all. by 4am aku turun dapur sahur, solat hajat et al, aku lena sekejap alhamdulillah. 6.15am bgun mandi Subuh and off to work.


aku rasa mengantuk, ofkoz. but less Zombie today. cuma aku temper. and dats the flaw. Fina ckp aku looked so serabut dgn jambang etc, and lookin at the mirror tadik baru aku perasan aku look like a Yeti. haih.


a Yeti. and wat the hell is dat?










..


























*sigh*


























Tuesday, August 12, 2014

..










by 2pm aku dah kat UPSI. for VIVA. i dun really wanna talk about it - but at least i've made it. nthg to much ado wit it, and i dun really hav anyone to share the tot wit pun. biar lah. yg penting aku dah lps. after went thru a lot of shyte, ups and downs. now dat i am done wit dis - i shld be able to concentrate on the other one. 



by 5.30pm - i was back on the road. it was raining, and i need to rush back. minyak nak abes and i hav no choice but to kuar thru exit Bidor, isi minyak and hav somethg to it. yes, aku tak puasa ari neh - w'pun initially i was. i was so hungry, sleepy and i need somethg to fill up my tummy. at least Nescafe satu dua can teman aku on the road wld be jst fine. tak pe lah, puasa sunat je kot. so - the tot of i cld be done wit puasa enam by trow tak kesampaian lah. aku hav another 2 days to go.



smpai rumah around 8.30pm. aku tak drive laju - hujan. and byk lori. furthermore aku bwk Viva aku je kot, melayang2 kalo selisih dgn lori. sumpah aku seriau.



smpai rumah, iron bju, mandi, solat. kuar minum jap and now i am back at home. 


all i wanna do is jump into my boxer and go crashin. hoping i'd be able to crash properly tonite. hoping dat aku tak bgun tgh2 mlm and wondering wat to do. and wondering y i am not sleepin while others r.



gnyte, peeps. sleep tite!










..








feeling groggy. and malas. i cldnt sleep last nite - jst like coupla nites before. and i cant jst help thinking the 'cycle' is coming back - where i am strugglin like shyte, fighting jst to get my eyes close at nite and havin my mind wandering over places - thus, i cant sleep.


came in to the ofc like a half-Zombie, aku seriously malas to do anythg at all. i had no classes today, but bengkel edit questions starting today (till 15/8) and aku as urusetia - i cant run from dealing wit all dis ppl yg mcm2 perangai. demand mcm2, keje mcm haram. kalo ko duduk edit soalan and get it done in time, tak pe jugak. ni keje mcm sampah, nak itu nak ini. 


5th day puasa enam. kak ton CC Unite Exam and Quality bising since aku puasa while peserta2 bengkel lain start berbengkel and makan. free2 je kena sound dgn aku. aku puasa ke tak, ko bising pesal. ko bukan mak aku pun. seriously aku rasa sgt annoyed. 


i am leaving the building now. gotta off to UPSI for some reason. and its urgent. imagine - ko mengantuk, not in a good mood and u gotta drive alone for dis. tak pe lah. 


---


we r loner in dis world for some reason. no matter how many fresn ur havin, no matter how extrovert ur - we mght not be alone, but we cant run from havin dat 'lonely' feeling. 


erm, forget it. gtg.










Sunday, August 3, 2014

post-raya.







ok. i knw - raya was over. w'pun kedai macik fav ko across the road still tak bukak, and ur hungry. typical Malay la kot. sekali dah cuti lama, esp raya2 mcm neh, pakat2 liat nak start keje balik. aku pun sama lah. tak pyh nak berlagak perfect sgt kot - esok Isnin, wat else in mind? but then again - life's gotta go on. esk Isnin, nbdy can change dat. u gotta work, so u gotta work. mcm tu je lah.


but dat is trow. i am still havin like 4hrs to go before everyone of us kena paksa masuk ari Isnin. dats the fact. again - tak pyh nak berlagak angelical sgt lah. semua org sama je. hahaha


its ok - i had a good break. imagine the whole one week break for eid ul fitr. best siak. and all adik2 aku balik berkumpul rumah mak dis time around (in Bagan Serai now, no more Kubu Gajah..). aku on Jumaat seblm raya tu dah smpai rumah mak. gigih amek half day, takut jalan jamm katanya. it turned out as if aku je yg ye2 balik kg - jln still lengang God sake. tak pa lah. aku tak kisah pun. Sabtu - cik and kak yang wit their family sampai. masing2 stranded dlm jam. aku senyum je lah, smbil dgn a bit riak (yes, aku tau berdosa - tak pyh nak berceramah dgn aku plak.. u knw i din mean it, literally pun) how aku smpai rumah mak w/o jam. at all. 


yes. no jam - at all.


we had a good time, berpuasa dan plan for berbuka together-gether. basically aku, cik and Soleh list down apa nak mkn and such - we went out for the raw materials and kak ngah, kak yang and mak will make it real. apa yg ko nak dlm idup - rather than the whole fmly get together, berbuka puasa sama-sama, and sama-sama get ready for the eid? to be frank - i wldnt ask for more. 


1st Syawal - solat Subuh berjemaah, takbir raya sama-sama, rebut bilik air, kecoh ke hulu ke hilir siap for solat raya, yg bujang cara bujang, yg beranak pinak cara beranak pinak. i remember seeing mak sitting by a corner of the house, jst smiling away lookin at us all. hahaha.. it is beyond explanation. lepas solat raya, pi kubur abah. wit the whole fmly. its a tuff time for all of us, but as i said it before - life's gotta go on. physically abah is not around us anymore - but he is, in all of us. in every each of us. and i knw, he knws dat.


done wit dat - as usual - time to 'please' mak. kami semua serahkan plan kat mak, and we jst ikut je plan mak. and as expected - mak akan ajak all of us 2 3 bijik kete pusing segala rumah adik beradik. seriously speaking - kalo ko tnya aku dan adik2, we r all malas. serious malas. mak terlalu baik dgn sedara mara, adik2 abah et al. after how they treated mak abah all dis while. and we never say a word. not a word.  never they come and visits mak pun. like, never ever. sakit demam mak tak pernah dorang nak tnya. but each raya - kitorang je lah yg gigih pusing kampung cari all of em, yet none of em all wld do the same. tp dats the way mak is. she'll do anythg to keep the silaturrahim intact, w'pun abah dah tak dak. for she knws - kalo harap anak2 dia, mmg tak la kot. and as usual, Soleh and kak ngah wld react passively aggressive. they never voice out any rasa tak puas hati atau melawan mak, tp aku tau dr cara dorg dua neh communicate. hahaha.. thus, as an elderly brother yg tak la baik sgt ni pun - aku slow talk je lah dgn Soleh and kak ngah. as long as mak happy, cukup lah. after all, she's all dat we hav now pun.


by the time abes pusing kampung sumer2, smpai rumah mak dah ptg. and masing2 dah penat. masing2 perut dah sekak, and dis is the time nak berulang pi tandas etc. hahaha.. thank God, dis raya perut aku cool je. tak meragam mcm thn2 lps. aku ikut petua mak - no orange juice, no air gas. coz benda2 neh tka ngam dgn lemang ketupat rendang. bg aku - it works well lah. kalo perut korang tak - jgn bebel kat aku plak.


esk dah keje. esk Isnin. and insyaAllah - aku nak start puasa 6 terus esk. sementara rajin. and trow - aku nak start pi gym balik.. since bdn aku rasa disaster sgt dah.


---


theres a bit rasa terbuku dlm ati aku neh. tak la penting sgt kot, tp aku rasa numb. perhaps its not gonna be a good choice to let it out in here lah kot. perhaps i shld jst keep it, as it is, and sleep on it. hoping trow - thgs wld be jst fine. 


jst dat aku believe in treating others well, and others will treat u well in return. coz if u keep complaining and whining dat ppl treat u like a piece of shyte - u gotta jst stop and look into urself, rather than pointing fingers around. treat ppl wit dignity, a lil bit of pride - coz dats wat u'll get in return insyaAllah. 


nbdy is perfect, thus u dun hav to act like one. but u can learn to be perfect, and theres nthg wrong wit dat. after all - dats wat life is - a learnin process.


---


ok. time to iron baju keje for trow. see u!











2nd raya. 
me, Kimie (angah), Hazwan (acik) and along Hasif.





the minimons.
the so-not-natural pose.
trust me - it aint easy to get em all to act like dis!




and dis is where
they acted 'naturally'.
and dis come easy..
hahahaha




me and Haziq.
my fav minimonster.

wait till he open up his mouth. and u'll tak lena tdo.






us. anak2 mak dan abah.
kak yang, kak ngah, abg cik, me and Soleh.





duit raya time!
behave or no duit raya. hahaha