and its Monday - yet aku at home. dun feel like working today, ever since aku woke up for sahur early dis morn. ofc pun nthg much, excpt for a meeting on KPI wit the new Pengarah yg i dun feel like attending. so i let the KP&K, TP(A) knew about it, and aku bgtau Puan Faridah since shes the Ketua Prog. A&P, in case anythg.
and perhaps, she can updates me on coupla thgs, too.
btw - its Ramadhan, again. apart its a special month, bulan yg mulia of segala bulan - there shld be no excuse to not be doin ur daily routine. i mean - ur work et al. aku menyampah dgn all those yg kept on bg alasan 'alarrr.. puasa kot!' kinda thang when it comes to work.
unless its a bad thg, dat wld be smthg else.
and for dis holy month of the year - i hav my own vision/mission-wat-ever-u-may-call-it, as well. i mean, it wldnt be rite to go much ado about it in here, but i wanna be better than last year insyaAllah. puasa, terawih dll. aku tak nak bertahan lapar sepjg hari and ended up dats about it. i wanna do way better than dat - and i wanna keep it as a habit insyaAllah. we r all gettin older - i mean, i am gettin older, and i hav to d smthg about the whole thg. i refused to a hypocrite - dat u knw wat is it, how it is, yet u pretend dat theres nthg, as if ur waiting for a sign from high above to turn around do the rite thg. and u can call me for bein a hypocrite for all dis (for as if u knw me better), but at least i am doin it, rather than nthg at all.
and at least i knw where i at, and i knw wat i am doin.
and Ramdhan ni jugak, aku nak eat clean. smlm aku b'buka wit oats and raisins, wit a bit of tempe sambal tumis ikan bilis (dammit, i cant help it), and a murtabak. off terawikh, balik aku minum susu for a supper. pagi tadi pun aku sahur wit oats and some anggur hijau, susu. and a lot of plain water. and its been a week now since aku amalkan cuka kurma (u mixed up satu sudu cuka kurma, wit a sudu of honey, bancuh dgn like 250ml air putih). it taste good and insyaAllah it'll do good. even bekal air pi gym/jog pun aku tambah cuka kurma.. masam sket lah, tp its ok.
the benefit? go figure it out urself!
ok lah, nak kemas rumah sket. enjoy yr Monday, folks! and yes - do work well. hehehe
owh. u dun go tell the world dat 'i am open!!' and 'my office's doors r open', 'we can always discuss..' yada yada da da da yada yada ya ya ya while u dun even knw wat is dat mean by 'i'll listen to u well' pun. u cant jst go potong cakap org and came up wit ur like-i-giv-it-a-shyte kinda opinion, while i dun need one.
and u cant go givin me advices for dammit, i dun need it to! all i need is u to shut the fcuk up, and listen. jst.. listen. u knw. u jst sit still, put dat fake i-hate-to-see-it-on-ur-face smile for a while, and listen. jst listen, God sake.
and when i am done - there u go. u can open up ur bloody freakin mouth, go tellin me all those ada-aku-kesah nasihat, kata pujangga, ur bloody tots or watever not. for the end of the day, it'd be jst ur own tots, and its up to me to take it seriously, or i shall shove it back rite up ur arse.
i am tired of all dis kinda ppl. claimin to be 'a good listener', 'i will definitely consider yr words' and such - while the fact is, ko tak tau jadah pun apa yg ko ckp. its ur tots dats all dat matters. and its not even an opinion for me to ponder, but a decision of urs for me to swallow it down my throat.
jst bcoz ur my superior. my super-duper fcukin senior.
aku received a text and pic thru my adik-beradik nye WhatsApp - mak long in ICU Taiping. wit mak standing rite beside her. i feel like runnin rite to there, but i jst cant, now. and i jst cant wait for early trowm morn., so i cld rush back to see her. Soleh ckp - mak long dah tak sedar, kaki tgn dah bengkak dan bluish.
and i knw wat it is.
last year, during dis same particular time - around Ramadhan to come, pak teh was warded in the same ward like mak long, now. abah 2 yrs back, pak teh last year, and now mak long. seein the pic itself, i knw how it is for mak. one by one, and the feelin of 'i am left alone' was all over her face. i really wanna be there for her, tho i knw i wldnt change a thang.
mak long sgt rapat dgn aku. aku suka balik Kg Larut Tin there in Taiping, for i love her cookin. she's a real good cook. laksa and such. aku remember bgun tido pg2, aku akan duduk kat tangga mengadap dapur, wondering apa mak long masak for breakfast. if it is nasik goreng je, aku'll tarik muka and naik smbg tido. and if it is kueh - wat ever kueh dat is - darn i'd be glad. and every Hari Raya, her rendang tok and rendang kerang is the first thang yg aku akan cari.
and she'll definitely kept em aside, jst for me.
she went thru hell in life. anak2, and such. aku, adik beradik and mak - we helped her as much as we can. for we love her, for she's the only one left dat keeps the feeling of our tok, around.
Ya Allah, giv us strength. buy us some time. pls, Ya Allah.
aku termenung jap. tersandar and staring to the ceiling above. terlintas satu ayat yg tak patut di ucap, tp rasanya - ut lah kebenaranya.
'nape la susah sgt idup neh?'
hurmm, rasa nak giv up tu sentiasa ada. masa ni lah baru nak ingat bagai nak gila to get more closer to God. takpe, at least i am tryin my best. at least, Allah turunkan kesusahan, kesukaran ni moga aku tak lupa akanNya.
aku dah tulis panjang2, tp tak jadi nak post. sensitif kot. plus aku tgh marah. and line internet yg slow mcm siput babi, even siput babi tak babi mcm neh. so aku kasik draft je.
soalan Pengarah ari neh -
"apa yg kamu hargai dlm idup neh?"
serious - aku tergamam. soalan apa kah? SPM? ko nak aku jwb mcmana? short essay? esei pjg? brp markah? kenapa tadak multiple choices? eh, bodoh lah.
kesabaran aku. w'pun aku cepat mrh, cepat naik hangen and melenting - tp aku cpt turun amarah aku. aku tau marah memainkan pernan penting dlm masyarakat, in molding pembentukan manusia lain.. haaa.. jawapan. bley mcm tu? eh, aku menaip dalam Bahasa Malaysia, lah! diam la, bodo. jst shut the fcuk up.
for example - kalo ur dad garang, guru yg garang, polis trafik yg misai tebal nak mamps siap bley tapis air tea tarik bila minum - kelihatan garang. ko takut kan? and thus, u'll behave appropriately. still cant understand? pesal bebal sgt? maybe, u shldnt read the post then.
aku tadi bengang time buat report. and internet mcm kimeks. slow bodoh! ko ckp Malaysia Boleh! bagai. keje kena bagus. tp facilities mcm sial. rasa nak sepak je screen cpu aku neh, and karate the keyboard let it goes into two. tp sebab aku puasa ari neh, sabar je lah. urut urut dada. "bertendang bertendang" katanya Sin Chan. aku rasa, amarah mampu merosakkan manusia, masyarakat dan perhubungan. ko tak setuju? pi mamps lah. ada mak kesah? tak dah kan.. (Haziq, 2013). aku hampir-hampir buat satu keputusan bodoh. aku tak tau la mcmana kalo aku diberikan kuasa utk m'jadi ketua nanti.
kot kot la. heh.
masyarakat? keluarga? diri sendiri?
diri sendiri pun tak terjaga, rasa nak sepak sepak lempang lempang tempeleng tempelang lelaju. i tot i can handle it, but i gez i dun knw for sure. when the tot of all the chained satan came to my mind, aku malu. serious aku malu. rasa bodoh bengap semua ada. when all the devil in the world r lost, it was u - and yes - the effin u who were the one drivin the rage, all by or urself.
almost make a stupid decision wit dis tiny brain of mine. i curse u, My Brain. u better watch out for all dat tot or i will spank those neuron cells for freakin good.
haih, wat hav i *almost* done.
thank God patience was always been there for me.
setelah berjoget joget dlm Word trying to finish up dis bloody report before 3pm, aku termencarut byk plak. maaf, ye. anggap je its a common word. its jst a set of dirty words legalized by the government. or JAIP. MAIS or apa-apa lah. puasa atau tidak, sabah lah. anggap puasa tu masa utk belajar bersabar. pfft. words of advice from me?
another day at work. shldve take a leave today and off to mum's in Bagan Serai (since aku dah janji to balik and bring her melawat mak long - she's in ICU Hosp. Taiping now), but i hav no choice but to cancel it off - since ptg ni ada meeting wit the new Pengarah, and i hav no choice but to attend. made a call to mak, alhamdulillah, she's ok. so esok lah aku amek cuti - balik Bagan Serai pg2, pick her up, pi Hosp. Taiping and by ptg or mlm2 sket - aku balik lah Ipoh.
22/6 Ipoh International Run. aku tatau if aku really ready for it. dis time around - aku sorang2 je.. mcm malas, bosan semua ada. tp dah register. runnin kit dah bley start collect ari neh. heh.
managed to squeeze some time in between to meet Ejad ptg semlm. had some coffee kat Sunway City's Starbucks, and chit chat over the coffee. Ejad dah based in Ipoh - for many months now, tp masing2 sibuk and payah giler nak jumpak. so the last time we had coffee was like 6 mths back. he'll be leavin for his posting in Lahad Datu real soon. and we had a lot of thgs under the sun to keep up wit.
done coffee-ing, aku rushed balik office to finish up coupla thgs, for today. and around Maghrib, i was alrdy home - and penat giler.
shldve be done wit all the works and such - tp since 11am ada majlis mkn2 Unit Exam dan Kualiti - aku dah spent time byk unnecessarily there. dorg celebrate bdays semua staff starting Jan to Jun, for aku included. ada pulut kuning wit rendang ayam doe! giler aku sekejap, hilang ingatan mkn mcm kuda. by Zohor - aku sedar2 perut aku dah bloated giler. and all the rasa nyesal came rushing in. hahaha
aku puasa ari neh. and i feel good, alhamdulillah.
maybe u've heard dis song before. or perhaps, u never did. maybe u did - u had it somewhere on the radio, or perhaps u get it from someone - yet u din giv it a flyin shyte, since it never catch u, as a whole.
but it is, for me. its a new single from Ghost Stories, of Coldplay. as usual - i'll go in love wit em all. and dis one - its so beautiful. its kinda song u wanted to lay down at nite, by it - playin soft and nice, in the darkness, before u off crashin. it cld be the saddest song written by the band - about feelins of someone u once called ur own - like a flock of birds, love comes and goes; and its not worth hurting over.
giv it a try. listen to it, once. look up to the lyrics. maybe u'd understand. the emptiness. the hole in u. the nthgness and such.
its a long day today. came stumble into thgs i dun wanna knw, but i finally did. long day at work, and lots of thgs in mind - u wanted to blow it out but u jst dun knw how and when, whom and such.
and as usual - i'm goin to sleep on it, and by the sun goes up trow morn., thgs will be jst fine insyaAllah.
Flock of birds Hovering above Just a flock of birds It's how you think of love
And I always Look up to the sky Pray before the dawn 'Cause they fly always Sometimes they arrive Sometimes they are gone They fly on
Flock of birds Hovering above Into smoke I'm turned And rise following them up
Still I always Look up to the sky Pray before the dawn 'Cause they fly away One minute they arrive, Next you know they're gone They fly on Fly on
So fly on Ride through Maybe one day I'll fly next to you
i had too many of these. i wanna share em all, yet i dun think i cld. so here we go again - a bit of here and there. Fuad asked me - 'sir, dlm byk2 pic.. tak kan satu je pic saya?'. so Fuad - here u go.. theres a few wit u in it! hahaha
but i jst love all of em. the expression, the faces once i knew - they r priceless.
dis is the last of dis. i dun think i am gonna do dis again.