Monday, May 26, 2014

life. as it is.














seriously its been ages since aku last do dis. and seriously, aku tak sempat. i mean - as usual - so many thgs happened, but it jst i cldnt find the rite time, the rite moment to share thgs wit u ppl.


*share thgs wit u ppl*  katanya. sudeh!


i've been bz. yes, seriously. very very bz. kena lantik as SUP time2 bdk btol2 nak exam final and such. time aku seriously otak kosong tak tau mender. or perhaps, i knew a bit. tp aku cldnt careless. since aku tak berminat. aku've been offered wit such jwtan for like 3 times alrdy - tp aku tolak mentah2. alasan - aku tak suka Excel. aku bosan ngadap all the numerical crazy arsehole yg bley buat aku sawan wit bubbles out of my mouth. since aku tak suka buat benda2 yg bukan clinical (mcm katanya Hamid. heh!). since aku tgk all the SUPS keje mcm nak mamps, 8 to 5 and then balik hotel pun kena smbg eh keje.. bley?


but dis time around - aku've been called by Mr B - he told me 'kita tadak calon yg lbey layak'.. 'ko je yg senior..' (ok. ayat) and 'its about time for u to do somethg new - and lil bit extra..' (since semua org bley jdi Ketua Program.. and semua org can teach.. tp tak semua layak jadi SUP). and i was like, crying.


crying? ok. over. the fact is - aku nanes since tak mampu lagi dah nak ngelak and say 'NO' to the bosses, dammit.


all dis while - aku tgk ex- SUP; Mr Ismail like so so cool. mcm tadak pe2. and thus, aku asked him such. pe rahsia utk kekal chanteque w'pun ko kerja under pressure mcm nak mamps? pe rahsia u stay cool, w'pun kerja bertimbun2 tak cukup 2 tgn? or ru sure ko btol2 kerja, since all dis while - ko nampak super-rileks.. mcm tak kerja? (aku tak tnya sotlan last ni pun. ko nak mampus?)


and gez wats the answer? Mr Ismail jst looked at me mcm diva sket, and slow2 dia senyum. 'mcm tu lah Shah.. ko nak mcmana lagik?'. fcuk. suspen dowh, jenuh aku nunggu jwpan. itu je dia jwp. serious Cadbury.


and today - after like a month aku tunggang langgang wit life, keje, SUP, exams, study aku, asgments aku et al - aku bley dtg ofc and a bit rileks. skang tunggu results perbentangan para Pengarah, and thus aku bley release the budak2 ni nyer results. and serious aku tensi bebudak2 neh dok call, msg, WhatsApp, Viber etc tnya results bila keluar. 'sir, bila results nak kuar?, 'sir, results release at 10 dis morning eh?', 'sir!! results??', and paling geram terus call, tak bgtau saper aper jadah, terus like 'sir, hows my results?'. haaaa.. mmg tak larrr.. bola tanggung nak kena maki, ye. excited gile bdk2 neh. 


tak sbr nak repeat kot? 


but the fact is - skang turn aku plak yg kechut prots. next week end, aku plak yg exam. 3 papers on coming weekend. pe pun tak tak baca lagik. ada yg siap blum download and print notes pun lagik. caneh?


but then again - i feel good. it really works when u able to see thgs positively. and u treat thgs, and all the susah payah as somethg new, and u'll eager to learn more. i used to hate dis for God sake, but now - i gez i am ok. all the busy-ness really occupied my time, and i am good wit it. i believe in Existential Theory. and Existential believes dat life will be OK when u knw wat u want in life, and wats ur t/jwb to work on - while ur alive. i never feel so ambitious like dis before. and positive, seriously. i learnt a lot of new thgs, and i am glad.



and today - aku rasa a bit empty since i had nthg much to do. sedih kan?


hahaha.. ok lah. maybe i shld jst enjoy dis for a lil while. before aku back on track and get myself bz.













Sunday, May 11, 2014

smlm..









feel like feverish smlm. sampai rumah from skol - it was raining and i was like runnin in and out of the car. and the worst part is - aku smpai rumah around 6pm, and aku din str8 hit for the shower.. tp sempat lagi pusing satu rumah, tgk pokok2 aku, siram em and few other thgs. Maghrib baru mandi, and by the time Isya' - aku dah rasa mcm nak demam.


cld be the hujan. dun ask me how and wats the mechanism if kena hujan and how demam can sets in - i dun really knw. or perhaps aku kurang rehat. and all dis classes during the weekends - i am paying th price now, i think.


classes went well. except for Dr Bazlan nyer class - at nite. he said the class will go on as usual, but by the time all the stdnts r in - finally he broke the news - class tak jadi. seronok - since class tak jadi. tensi - since dah dlm kelas, and baru nak ckp kelas tak jadi. driving back to the room - aku was smiling to myself think of it. kena batang idung sendiri and u knw how it is. tp kalo ko sendiri kensel kelas - u never think of wat wld the stdnts think. eh?


owh - btw, result my Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI-2) dah keluar. Prof Rahmatullah he made me sit in the class and answered all like 400 sthg q's, wit no excuse at all. aku remember coupla frens of mine yg 'malas aku.. nak muntah jwb q's.. so aku hentam je' kinda thang. as for me, i wanna knw myself well. i wanna learn about myself - so aku attentively sit down and forced myself to answer all the q's. seriously mmg buhsan siak. bygkan 400 sthg soalan and most of the soalan lbey kurang sama. but i managed to finish em all up.


and now i am havin the results in my hand! u wanna knw wat it is? ngeeee..


the scary part of MMPI-2 is - they knw bila ko menipu, bila ko malas nak jwb so main taruk je, ur consistency in answering, is it fake or not, or r u tryin to be sthg else and such. scary? u tell me! hahaha.. so jgn terkejut kalo ko do dis, and ko kantoi trying so hard to be someone else. or perhaps, the worst part is - ko menipu. huhu


but i had fun. and the results really show me who i really am and such. not dat i dun knw mysel well, tp kdg2 u knw - tp ko buat2 tak tau. and now - the result in writing. and nak tak nak, ko kena terima lah! 


2 weeks to go and aku'll sit for final sem nyer exam. then i am done wit 1 sem. cepat eh? and towards the end of dis month - i am goin to be a bit bz, i think. nak study lagik. haih. 


dah la markah quiz semua nyer pan.. eh, nvm.


tak pe lah. i knw i'll try my freakin best to be the best. dats for sure. after all, dis is my own choice. i've made the choice and i hav to be responsible for it. furthermore, i am enjoyin masuk belajar balik. making urself bz wit new thgs, learnin and such - really makes me feel so alive.


btw, Ipoh International Run 2014 dis 22 June. ko dah daftar?


























hair? flip it!





dah nak masuk sebln lbey since aku berambut 'properly'. i mean - the rambut is there, and i can feel the rambut. and the rambut grow up nicely dat i dun need to hate myself looking at the mirror, as if all the rambut 'tumbuh tak siap'. ofkoz - 3 weeks after aku skipped the barber - dat is the situation i need to go thru. i mean - dat is the time bila the rambut look so 'serba tak kena' where 'ko nak taruk minyak ke tak, ko pun tak tau' kinda situation.


and ofkoz - i'll look like hell. 


last coupla days aku dah mula ke barber. dis time around - the ane looked at me in one kinda, ye la - after like a month++ aku tak surrender my head to him - now i am. and as aku expected - by the time aku naik duduk atas kerusi potong rambut tu, he'd go like '0 ka?'. and hell no, i told him to jst trim a bit and do the stache and the beard as usual. rambut - trim kasik kemas, and jst leave it there as it is. rambut aku jenis lurus and lembut, tak mcm setgh org yg kerinting etc. 


its kinda nice to hav ur rambut up on ur scalp every now and then. u can shampoo ur hair, wit a real reason, ofkoz. shampoo yr hair, dat the words. kalo all dis while aku shampoo the scalp je. now - its the hair. and u can blow ur hair dry too. and use all those wax, gel, spray, and all those u want it, u can for sure. hari kerja - ko buat rambut mcm ni. hari cuti and nak pi Tesco (for example lah) ko buat rambut mcm tu. ko mls and still ko kena kuar rumah - pi la punggah lemari ko cari apa2 topi and cover em up. and dis is the time aku pi cari balik sumer jenis topi bagai, and u can use it. 


at least dats wat i do.


and the best part is - other ppls' reaction. esp the stdnts. maybe dorang dah terbiasa tgk aku botak. mc Van Diesel katanyer. or The Rock. and paling best - mcm Dom in Fast and Furious. mampoo? hahaha.. no, aku tak perasan. stdnts said so. seriously aku selesa botak. botak aku bukan sebab rambut gugur, alopesia ke or sakit etc - its my choice to be bald. senand siak. senang giler. berthn2 aku tak beli sikat. hahahaha.. and stdnts ckp aku look 'fierce' and garang kalo botak. bagus la. senang idup aku. 


and kalo berambut? one thg aku tak suka - they said aku look 'jambu'. yes. jambu wit the '     '. bukan dat jambu batu et al. aku tak heran pun being labelled wit dat. waktu aku skol dulu pun, seniors called me dat. hahaha.. tp nak umur mcm ni, kureng la sket kot. tu blum go thru the statements like 'cute', 'comel' etc (esp from stdnts pempuan). haih. 


tp - biar la. for time being i wanna keep it the way it is. berambut, for a while. mak pun ckp aku look way better ada rambut. less garang and lbey 'humane'. bley? aku mcm Alien ke seblm ni eh? haha.. but i knw - dis is definitely wont be long. deep in me - aku keep hav dis urge to chop all the hair down, until aku rasa nak berambut balik. time sihat rambut tak gugur neh, maybe i shld enjoy it for a while. esok umur dah makin meningkat, rambut pun dah jarang2, byk yg putih dr yg hitam - baru teringat nak berambut.. i think dah lambat la kot, eh?


at least aku flip2 rambut jgk. kan? haha
















Saturday, May 10, 2014

perception.




owh, let us test our own perception. u knw, perception. in Malay - its 'tanggapan'. use yr senses and look at the pic. and come up wit sthg.

and dats wat we call 'perception'.

btw, i got dis from a free of mine.. Khairul. so tell me, watdya think of the gal on the pic. wats the first thg comes in mind upon seein the gal in the pic. the first thg dat is. which means u need not to be over-critical or over-analyze. jst the raw, first thg dat comes in ur mind.

and do knw dat, watever dat is - dats wat in ur subconscious mind.

ngeeeee..




Friday, May 9, 2014

shrink pt 1 - self defence mechanism.











do u knw each time the boss scold u, u bring dat resentment feelin home and scold ur child - dat is a self defence mechanism? or ego defence mechanism, some ppl said. or each time ur mom scream her lungs out to u - u jst stand there silently, emotionless and off then to ur room - banging the door, dat is also a self defence mechanism. or perhaps u knw ur lacking so well, u dun really hav anythg to prove yet ur go mingle wit all those tip-top kinda ppl - thus dat makes u feel good and less lacking - dat is also a self defence mechanism! or imagine dis - ur in a verbal fight wit ur pal and u knw ur at the edge of losing the whole shyte - and suddenly ur like, 'dah la.. mls layan ko. bodoh!' out of ur mouth, out of no where. and do u knw dat IS also a self defence mechanism?


ur in deep shyte. despite ur tryin to face the shyte, u jst sit there imagining dat thgs will be ok. or perhaps, wat if things r not as shitty as it is now. so ur daydreaming. daydreaming is a self defence mechanism too. oh wait, ur in deep shyte - everybdy knws ur in a deep shyte. perhaps u knw it too. but u cant face the music. so, ur in denial. darn ur using a self defence mechanism yeah. or ko tau ko buat salah, tp ko pretend as if ko tak buat apa2 - yet ko buat org lain rasa bersalah so ko tak lagi 'bersalah'. u knw wat i am sayin? hahaha shyte i've seen dis like everyday. kdg2 aku pun like to do dat, seriously.


and ur procrastinating. its also a self defence mechanism. by procrastinate, u refuse to make a decision. coz deep in u knw - u knw by doin so - making a desicion; u'll hav to commit. and ur not ready to commit. so u procrastinate. thus - ur practising ur self defence mechanism. 


or ko berangan tak sudah. the fact is semua org tau ko berangan to the max. in real life is - u hav nthg. and u knw it too. but u tend to attend the tot dat its for real - dat ko super-bagus, and ur berangan-less. hahahaha.. fcuk it. self defence mechanism!


i mean - those r all in psychoanalysis. of Freud. the more i learn, the more i wanna knw thgs. and the more aku belajar - rasa mcm tak cukup2 jugak. its fun to knw all dis and along the way u move in life - u can see dis like everyday. arnd u.


tak salah kalo ko ber-self defence mechanism. dats mekanisma yg semua org guna, unconsciously. to protect ur ego. u knw - the id, ego, superego (lain kali aku explain).


cuma apa yg beza kan ko dgn org lain is - which defence yg ko guna. is it mature, immature or psychotic. and do knw dat all dis self defence mechanism - to 'mold' ur personality, seriously.


btw - silat cekak and silambam is not in list, ya. Freud never mention it pun. hahaha




Thursday, May 1, 2014

home.






woke up by 6, i remember i snoozed the alarm coupla times. cant really sleep, and i was craving for more crashin. unfortunately, i cant. i need to pack my belongings, check out and off leavin for KL Sentral soon as i can. i knw it is like 4.5km from INTENGAH to KL Sentral. but not havin anyone to send u there, to pick u up and such - dat means u hav to work thgs on ur own - i need to get a cab (which is i never did dat before) and all these bags and such.. 


someone told me to get MyTeksi App installed. u can used dis conveniently (esp in KL) and i wanted to try. at least for today. and i did. lepas packing sumer2, aku bwk bag ke dpn, checked-out and started to screw the apps. it was simple, easy to understand. and less complicated. first trial - it was like 'I am sorry i cldnt get u a cab' and i was like.. erm, maybe i shld try again. but the second try came uo wit the same msg - aku dah panik. wat if the apps doesnt work? wat if i cldnt get myself a cab? how on earth am i goin to get there? sad i was, tp aku try lagik sekali. 


alhamdulillah, the 3rd trial - it worked. theres a cab for me. i immediately call the driver (the apps provided u the cab's registration number, the driver's phone number, and even the pic of the driver!). he said he's on the way, and he was like 7mins away from my place. 


damn. how cool is dat!


the cab in, and i off leavin INTENGAH. aku tau tiket ETS aku at 1pm, tp elok la aku siap awal2. tak berebut. i rather stay there doin nthg waiting for the train, rather than berebut2 and u never knw wats coming. the driver was an Indian young man, speaks a cool English. we talked about the apps, and how grateful i am to get a cab while i was in the mid of nowhere. it cost me RM9 sthg for the trip, plus RM2 for charge of using the apps (i think). aku bg RM20 and made the driver keep the change. the young man was like 'bos, byk lebih ni bos'.. and i smiled away to him telling him off dat how thankful i am to get a cab, and how scary it'd be if i cldnt get one. frankly speakin - havin him responding to my request to get a cab was a bless. and i am happy. the cab makes me happy. and the cab belongs to the driver. thus, both the driver and the cab makes me happy. and they deserved better.

so - hey, sila install MyTeksi Apps. it works. and it helps! at least for me.







see.
the found me a driver!
yay!!










mamam taim.





and the rest of the day - aku spent kat KL Sentral. 10am to 1pm was a long time. if u dun spend it wisely. i had my breakfast at Meals Station. roti susu, tea panas, a bit of mee-hoon and telor setgh masak. done - rayau2 at Nu Sentral. nice place. cuma byk kedai tak bukak lagi.. by 12pm, aku dah melangut kat KFC, trying to finish up my McFlurry. 


been a while since aku get the chance of sittin down, doin nthg - and jst do the ppl-watching. i mean - had my both eyes under the cap well, aku jstg sit there and look at the ppl. the happy faces, chatty ppl, muka-masam-i-hate-u couple, and a lot more. and i started to think - over a lot of thgs. i wont be seein dis faces, anymore. not a chance, maybe. u smile back to those who smile to u, and it makes u feel good about the whole thg. 


and seein kids runnin around over places - i forget how it feels like for us, really. 


dah dlm train. aku rasa nak demam. selsema aku makin buat aku rasa nak cabut je dis hidung and simpan dlm poket. and u shld knw - aku write dis entry dlm train itself. theres a pretty gal beside me in baju kurung hijau, tudung hijau. sweet nice looking. no make up. and she jst called her mum sayin dat shes alrdy in the train, headin home. and shes fasting. nak buka puasa kat rumah. 


aku lupa hari ni Khamis, and aku shldve puasa as well.


i am goin to click 'publish' and switch off dis lappy. perhaps i shld be crashing sekejap. lmbt agi nak smpai Ipoh.