Wednesday, April 30, 2014

bigger picture..










sometimes, when i took a step back and see the whole pic of my life so far - i feel lost. i keep askin myself the same question - wat happened. when did the thgs go wrong. where all the thgs i used to love and adore, go? i did the same thg wit my blog - where dis blog goes, which direction do i take. i wonder y i sounded so different writing ere than i do if u meet me. i am a loud guy. shy but when u get to knw me well, thgs will get better. i am not dat pathetic. i am dat kinda guy u see at the cashier's line in Tesco wit others and giggle away. u'd be annoyed. owh, aku lupa. a liar, and hypocrite as well. sigh.


i am the biggest reader of my blog. its a memoir. bits of me left in ere, dat sooner or later i will pick it up and reminisce. as for me - its a beautiful concept, like how our parents used to ha diaries (pretty sure my mak abah did not.. but lets imagine ours had). their old, silly crushes, heartbreakin moment. diaries r vintage and u knw all thgs vintage r goods. wit a pretty big exceptional of the 80's (mullets, leather pants, cropped shirt). i promise myself many thgs but very few i accomplished. like how i tell myself anf few of my best frens to lose weight. dis was more than a yr ago and look now it resulted. ok, nothg change for God sake. but i am not givin up. hell i am far from it, i am too tough of a cookie to giv it up to the big hand.


u knw -  i can blabbed away like dis for hrs, and it will be ridiculous.


but ok, take a step back - and see the big frame. seriously, when u feel bad, do dis. look at the bigger pic and u see dat its not dat big of a problem ur havin. dats is my way of seein positivity, bein a blind optimistic. been yrs, and i hav to say i am quite satisfied wit wat i hav become. ofkoz la, sometimes it took ages to see thgs dat way.. but i knw it worth tryin.


frens? i got many loves from ppl around me, be it close or not. as long as theres love in my world it will go round.


enemies? abundant enuff to say dat i am proud dat i think i made the right enemy, the wrong ppl dat shld be put aside or be throw into a big garbage disposal of a-holes and d-bags.


ambition - i am working on it. i still hav thgs to catch before i close my eyes. a hard one, forget the bumps and holes and gaps and valley - i'l jump cross the obstacles and never turning back.


love? huh?


see, the big picture isnt bad at all.


but like Monalisa, it is divine to look at, precious to be appreciated, but no one knws wat hides behind her smile. or Da Vinci's, except u dun hav to be hanging in the most beautiful boredom all the time and faces attempted theft every single day.


being gloomy is fine. so does being happy. a lil bit of both, wit a sense of rational - will giv u a good live. love urself to love others, and if u cant - stop tryin.


will write more trow. or perhaps mlm ni. or anytime aku tak bley tido. its raining heavily, and aku feel so damn hungry. the bag is already there atas katil - tp sumpah aku mls nak kemas and such.


but deep down - i jst cant wait to head home. here, i hav nthg left.







wander-wonder.














its not dat i dun try to move forward, but th wall keeps me back. and as much as i love to move on, i cant help but to think of the past. and a fact dat the past is no good for a flourish soul like me, coz past is past and past is like a rope tied to ur feet and u want to soar high in the sky. but the bloody rope keeps u grounded, and u hav a choice of untie the rope.


but ur so afraid to untie the rope coz who knws u mght meet roaming in the sky, but they all like u isnt it, wanderers?


can u bring rhe rope wit y? then wat use the rope is?


jst like a fren of mine said, s'times we dun hav a choice, we tot dreams can come true but instead He up there knws better. do u destined to abide to the guide and line riddled wit fire? do u destined to be astray off wander wonder, and u dun want dat but wat else cld u do when it is predetermined, or can u at least wish - and it started wit a feelin and grew into hope.


or some ppl say, its like Hensel & Gretel pickin up bread crumbsback to where they belong to; their house. we r pickin our pieces together along the dotted line, and in a fork where there is a bread crumbs at both ways; we hav to choose. u go there, i take the other way. its if the road not taken taken, and the road u take is ppl's road not taken. who knw 'not taken' mght bring? well, cant u ask but it wont be the same, wld it? 


wanders wonder.


but i believe whichever road we take, they go to the same finishing line - like river flows no where else unless the ocean, it loyal to sea till the end of time. the road is different, but our heart stays the same.


lets live in difference, wit dat similarity.




rhymes.








wat rhymes wit manure and is equally stinks and useless? failure.


owh wait. i got dat wrong. manure does well wit plants as organics save-the-world fertilizers. well then, failure gotta be stink!


seriously - i am tired. i am tired of keep trying. 


and continue losing.









Tuesday, April 29, 2014

feed ur ego.













men were born wit ego bigger than Rosmah's hair and Shahrizat's hair combined. dats how big it is. no man like to be taught, advised or corrected. dats when the phrase i stand corrected was coined by some alpha male but somehow thru dilution over time - the [phrase has been used more by women than men nowadays.



i am one of those men. if u think ur ego bigger then the mountain, take some time to learn and to get to knw about mine, as well. when it comes to certain thgs, i jst dun wanna lose. ofkoz - most of the time i'll giv in and giv up coz i refused to hav complications in life. but when i knw my right and thgs - u'll see my true colors. no matter how wrong or deviant i mght be - i can twist the fact, knwing dat i am wrong but wld never admit it - it can make me wins the argument. not like most of the time - but i did dat as well.


especially when i did no worng, and ur accusing me wit thgs. u'll see my stance alrite.


i am not ashamed of it. i think its part of my pride. hey, u hav ur ego as well. so stop pretending as if ur malaikat or sthg. so, i will not ut my feet down for some guy, who knowingly shamed me, talked behind my back, and ask for forgiveness. or ur playing me, treating me like a bulshyte as if i hav no pride at all - and u hav it all. if dat ever happened, i wont be the first to make a move. perhaps, jst say sorry - for at least once, and thgs will be jst fine.


if u hating the same person for a long time, u somehow wld start to forget y u did it in the first place. the only thgs dats left is the hatred, and compulsion - and dats the devil. hatred for a certain soul i hav felt for some times now, is not diluted. and i am not sure if it'll never be.


ego, sir. feed on dis emotion. he likes it. so do i.





foolish.






alaa.. aku tak bley tdo. haih. dah tulis post panjang2 mcm jwb MEQ nye sotlan pakai Android aku neh, tetiber Internet buat hal plak. post tak muncul2. mcm haram. tak bley nak post. *poof* hilang segala bagai. segala mala yg aku karang, hilang mcm tu je. sumpah siak. 


oleh itu, aku akan letak satu post pendek buat peminat-peminat aku. see, peminat-peminat, k. bukan singular. tp plural.


gampang tak? serious gampang. i knw.


ok. the post pendek aku kali ni adalah -


"sila cabar kesabaran saya, u wont regret it"


- dis week quote


*clap clap clap*



aku dah rasa aku layak jadi ahli falsafah. tapi time ting-tong mcm ni je lah. meh push meh, kita tgk kali aku letup ke tak? kalo ko suka ke tak. even i am feeling excited, btol ckp. nak simpan lama lama pulak dah. jst imagine - theres button saying 'pls continue pushing dis button repeatedly in order to unleash the toy's supersaiya'. 


oh, aku lah toy tu. bukan toy boy, ya. mengong. baca btol2. cuba cuba lah, pls?


hahaha.. owh, post ini tiada isi penting. cuma nak gmbr kan rasa serabut aku, rasa benci, nyampah, rindu semua seuma dlm satu. or perhaps, aku pun tak tau wats in me, anymore. pi mampus lah, it doesnt matters dah kot.


lagu paling sedap dlm minggu ni..









foolish game;
jewel.









Monday, April 28, 2014

INTENGAH, again.







done wit thgs in Putrajaya, i am in here now. for the rest of coming 2 days. short training, dat is. checking in by Maghrib - it looks like nobdy in ere, at all. sunyi sepi. perhaps the rest of the others will be in by trow morn. or perhaps they r in, tp not in the room. maybe they r alrdy in bed. maybe? i dun knw. and i dun think i am gonna be out of the room, knockin on other ppls' doors asking anybdy in? kinda thang. heh.


done wit keje tadi, aku rayau2 jap kat Alamanda. bowling - its been ages. Captain America, as well. i mean - movie. its been ages. aku in and out kedai baju sukan, kasut sukan as well. i din buy a thang - tp aku puas berjalan. seriously. i think i've stumbled into few others, but thank God - i need not to break the ice like eh, apa khabar! and such. aku pakai cap, so i gez dats the way it is. they passed me by and they 'didnt see me'. rambut mls nak sikat minyak bagai, and i kept it in the easy way. pakai cap.


---


shall be crashing now. aku dahaga. mineral water lupa plak nak beli. nak masak air, tatau la tahun bila bley minum plak. 


its so quiet in ere. i dun feel scared, i jst feel so empty. looking back - i used to be all out when i am down in here, in town. now - no more. i am in erer, but i cant wait to leave all dis behind and be home. i dun hav the excitement left in me anymore. 


seriously.


gdnyte.









Thursday, April 24, 2014

the truth is..







i hav sthg to confess. and dis mght change ur perception completely. about me. myself.


well, the truth is - i am not a good person. in a simple term for u to understand - i am a bad person. i do thgs u mght not be doin. i do a lot of bad thgs u may never think of. and thgs u never do. coz i am no good, and ur.


i am a hypocrite. i tell lies. if u read all my entries - like all of em, by seein or knowin me in the FB, Twitter, Insta or watever the hell dat is - u may think i am a good person. a nice, sweet person. the fact is - i am not. coz if u knw me, u'll hate me. u will regret knwg me - for i am not as sweet as u see me in ere. co i am no good, at all. not, at all.


i talk shyte all the time. like all the time. and ur not. i may solat like others do, and i am tryin my very best to do it as much as i can - 5 times a day w/o a miss, but dat doesnt mean i am a good person. ko solat, tp perangai mcm gampang - u may say dat. dats a hypocrite, u can say dat. for if perangai mcm gampang, baik tak pyh solat. u mght think dat way as well. and its ok. i am good in giving advices, perhaps some opinion every now and then - and u may like me for dat. pls, dun. the fact is - i am good at nthg. i am a loser. and i am good at nthg. i am good at dat for dats wat i do for life. professionally. and the fact is - all the tots, all the advices i am givin u is rubbish. stink to the max.


u mght think i am a fighter. i am strong. watever happens i'll stay tall. the fact is - i am not. i easily stumble and act like a moron. yes, a moron dat is. i tend to giv in, and giv up if i cant see any light at end of the bloody tunnel. 


and basically dats wat i am gonna do now. givin up. and walk away - like a coward.


call me watever u feel like to, and i dun giv it a fcuk, any more. seriously. coz u dun knw me. and u will never do. and even if u do, and u'll regret it - by all mean; ur welcome to back off and pretend u dun knw a thang.


so wats the different, between u and me?


u decide. by the tot of ur a lil bit superior from me - coz i am no good - doesnt mean ur any good too. and u'll go to heaven.


dats it. dats all i wanna say. keep thinking watever u wanna think off. coz i dun mind any longer. judge me if u want to. i wont lose a thang. coz i am alrdy a loser. 


for the fact is - in a way, u and me - we r the same.


and u knw wat it is.


-end-

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

life is..













do u ever feel like ur just wasting ur life? like day after day - the same old routine. u runnin in circle - fighting for same old shyte? wat can we do to make ur life a worthwhile? wat do u want? wat makes u happy? wat shld u be doin so dat it doesnt feel like ur jst wasting away ur limited days on earth?


well, let me make it easy for u - wit all the q's. coz i do feel it dat way, especially now.


howdya find the meaning of life? waking up, off to work, come back home, crashing and by trow early morn., u go around the cycle, again. is dat it? wat r u really living for? hav u ever think of it? sometimes even if we do knw wat we want and wat wld make us happy - it feels like the world is freakin bent on conspiring against us - making sure we dun get it. 


hav u even go thru dat? and feel it dat way?


its like fate doesnt want us to be happy. u wanna live life to the fullest but u dun even knw where to start. and even if ur living a happy life, and suddenly thgs turn out to be shitty shyte, and u wonder y. how do u do it? how do u stop the loneliness from creeping it? darn i hav no idea.


but maybe.. i said - maybe the answers r jst around the corner.


i am leaving str8 home. i dun feel like running. or to the gym either. and its raining after all.


sigh.








wierd.












i cant remember pkul brp aku lena smlm. all i knw was rite after aku off the lappy semlm around 1.30ish am, i straight away hit the sack.


and i had a dream last nite.


it was a really weird dream. i hardly hav one, i mind u. or perhaps i used to - but i hardly remember pun. but last nite - i can remember it vividly. isnt dat wierd, dat theres dream u rmber and some u dun?


i dreamt about the world is coming to an end. it was like happening.. i dun knw. i mean ppl r falling and die. jst like dat. and i was scared. and also theres dis group of ppl came from nowhere all around u - all the unfamiliar faces, pushed to the corner. and seeing em dead one by one. jst like dat.


these ppl they dun eat. and they dun drink. or sleep. they always smile but also the meanest. its like, smiling at u and they jst off dead like dat. in my dream - i was runnin away from it. i was on a bicycle (the rational? jst shut up and dun ask), cycling thru villages and cities and bodies were everywhere. no blood, no guns.. no nthg. i am sure i was running away from em all, at the same time i was looking for somethg i can remember. all dat i knw i was so scared, looking for sthg familiar and sthg to cling on to.


and a lot more. dat i cant remember. all i knw tiber2 je alarm aku menjerit - and it was 5.30am in the morn. i feel tired. i feel like want to sleep even more. but i jst cant.


i gez theres nthg to dis dream actually. it was like m. night shyamalan's the happening. i was very tired. feeling screwed up at brain. and even in dream - i achieved nthg and a fugitive.


 pls, let me out of dis!








lu pehal?













dalam hati ada taman. wait. i knw ur goin to say dat. like wat? theres a garden inside the liver? wat the f--? jst dun bulshyte me wit dat. dgr lagu jiwang karat doesnt mean lu senak bercinta. itu sgt bodoh.


gua saja letak video ni. lagu ni mmg peberet gua cakap lu. dari dulu lagi. gua drive dgr lagu ni. gua iron baju gua dgr lagu ni. cuma time berak je belum gua try dgr lagu neh. gua bet kalo dgr lagu ni time berak, sah2 kepala shyte tak mau keluar. pilu gila kot. 


dia punya muzik mmg best gila. gua rempit, gua tak dengar lagu kocok kocok (shuffle) tu. gua rempit lain beb. rempit pi kerja despatch gua nak rempit jadi sthg else.. ok, ini tipu mcm haram. buang tebiat gua cakap lu. 


tp kalo lu dgr lagu lagu cenggineh, dgn irama slow yg sgt kentang mcm mister potato dan pringles mmg sedapdowh. apatah lagi dgn suara Marcell yg sedap ibarat membubuh MSG ke dlm masakan. eh silap, hanya perasa yang menyedapkan dan tidak mengandungi MSG seperti di pek pek bungkusan Maggi terbaru.



'TIDAK MENGANDUNGI MSG'



serious bodoh.


owh, gua nak letak je lirik lagu neh, tp nanti kata gua over plak. lagipun video dia sah2 dah ada lirik. ni layan jiwang - nak mampus kah? mcm tu soalan. lagi pun - tak payah lah taruk kot. sebab nanti org Maleise jadi pemalas. tamau cari maksud. dgr bodo bodo tp tak tau lagu cerita pasal apa tatau. and kalo tau, tp tak faham faham. s/ada lu mmg tak fhm. atau lu mmg bodoh tak faham. haaa.. lu pilih mana suka. nak taip dgn klik je tu pun malas mcm haram. so long short gua malas la nak letak, kasik lu ada kerja skol sket. pi cari kat Internet. tanya Uncle Google. duit byk perabih byr internet bagai nak rak, soh cari lirik lagu pon malas.


ni adalah entry bosan. entry penat gila tp tak bley lena. w'pun mata dah mcm panda. dah nak rabak. golek kiri kanan dpn belakang pun haram nak lena. aku ada entry pelik sket punca kemarahan sehari dua neh, tp aku dah delete. malas. maybe dats y aku tak bley lena. rasa marah, frustrated, hatred semua semua lah, ada dlm benak kepala hotak ni. owh, ada lagi satu draft ape ntah aku dah tulis, tp sekerat jalan. nanti nanti aku post.


or paling busuk, aku delete jugak kang.


dah la.. aku nak off lappy and masuk tdo.


---


sigh.









Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Monday, April 21, 2014

lil me. sigh.
















did u see wat i see, there in the pic? i was havin my last bit of teh o ais when i suddenly saw dis creature crawling on the straw, rite to my nose, slowly. and its kind strugglin. thank God i am done wit the teh o ais. kalo tak i mght go berserk.


since i am done wit my part - i let the lil spidey do her own thang. and i jst watched. it was a lunch time - havin my early lunch time alone, givin me the privilege to jst sit for a lil while and do thgs i wanna do - when i am all alone. so - despite of i did my usual people-watching, today its spidey-watching.


it strolls up the straw, when to the tip of the gelas plastik tu - as if it has some purpose of doin so. maybe lah. or maybe it was not kot. i dun knw. i watched it for quite sometime - and the phone rang. Mr Hari needs me in the meeting room, since ada lagi benda tak kena wit all the kelayakan exam yg i've been working on ever since aku masuk keje.. 


aku aku left the lil spidey, wit the straw and the gelas plastik. i hope she's doin ok. i mean, i was wondering and i suddenly had the tot of - was ever happens to her, nobdy knws.


and i hope too - she'll jst bite me, so i'll hav the spidey power - and get lost. i'll go safe ppl. and safe the world. i'll make ppl's life happier than anythg at all. and the world a proper place to stay in.


but cld i safe myself, as well? my feeling, my soul, my life.. sigh.


darn dats too much, aye?



---


nyte.








..







its 2.15 in the morn and i still cant sleep. its officially Monday now - and its like the first day after like a week i wasnt in the office - cant help to think how mess my office wld be. and the memos, surat etc. sigh.


and my mind.. its like my whole physical is here, but the soul is way out there, somewhere.


perhaps i sleep too much siang tadik. i usually did dat when i am in deep shyte - its like u can jst shut urself completely down from everythg - for a while. and drift away. and when ur awake - u knw theres sthg there, and u off sleeping again. and it went on again, and again.


so i decided to off do some strolling at the Ipoh Parade Mall - not knwing wat to do, or to buy. its been a year since aku dtg sini - byk benda baru. dah a bit happening now. ramai stdnts.


aku ended up my walking at FOS - grabbed myself some shirts, and off to Popular Book Store. get it done wit my BB1M - i bought coupla new books. i need to start doin some proper reading. to fill up my ample time. to catch up wit thgs i've left behind. 


sigh. somethg is bothering my head. dis is worst - for i dun knw wat on earth it is. the work? study? assignments? deadlines? life? fcuk it.


i need to turn off dis lappy, switch off lampu study and hit the sack. again. dis time around - hoping i cld get a lil bit of sleeping so trow - i wont be a half dead Zombie, groggy and grumpy.


gdnyte ppl. sleep tight.












those r some of the books i bought myself -
The Rules to Break, Give and Take, The Rules of Work and Persuasion. 







end of the road?
FOS.








the first,
and the last..


sigh.










Sunday, April 20, 2014

nyte..









Don Henly;
End of The Innocence.



*gdnyte..




post-Saigon, pt.2













































































HCMC was awesome and splendid - wit a great frens, nice stdnts and special ppl arnd u. turns out all dat i need these times, a nice detox and change of pace from wat i am doin right now.


and the post vacation syndrome - which u'll see all the kain baju beg and such everywhere in ur room, sometimes u swear u still long for dat laziness od doin nthg at all, and ur longing for the hot, burnin afternoon walkin along the bz town wit frens wit sweat along ur butt crack.


tranquillity achieved. need to tell ppl about it? no. i dun think so.

darn i wish i am still there.


---


sigh.. aku serabut..  :-/




Saturday, April 19, 2014

post-Saigon.







i knw its been a while. been thru a lot too, dat i need to sort thgs out and squeeze myslf to fit in. its about life, work esp. its getting tough, i shall say

but i am a survivor. and i knw i'll do ok.

btw, aku baru balik dr a 4d 3n kat HCMC, Vietnam. sucha a great break. its a lwtan smbil bljr wit the stdnts, anyway.

and these r some of the pic. i din use my camera much, so tmpg2 kamera kwn and guna my handphone je.

there'll be a lot to come. kalo aku rajin.