Sunday, March 30, 2014

reasonable wtf.










come. lemme picit ur..
nvm.






aku dah menaip mcm gampang tadik, tp last2 handphone aku buat hal. dah la tulis mcm curahkan kasih syg melimpah limpah tak tertadah dek jug, apatah lagi dgn tgn. menaipdlm English kot! bengong btol. sket lagik nak 'publish', tiber2 dia kuar dr app. since battery dah critical nak mampos. mcm cipet. dammit.


so utk memudahkan aku menaip lps aku dah spent all my tots and ideas kat entry di handphone yg dah kong bateri nya tu - aku bukak jugak la lappy neh. memandangkan aku tgh ada mood utk menggerakkan segala lumbricals, digitorum profundus and digitorum superficialis utk menaip. pfft. tak perlu kot bgtau semua jenis muscle tu. saje je. ala2 mcm aku ingat segala bagai, walhal tak. karang korang tnya pastu aku jwb i am very sure. ceharom.


'reasonable' is a word dat i've crossed a lot of time. first hearing it when aku in Standard 6. dlm peperiksaan akhir tahun - aku ingat lagi the part where u shld choose which item or gadget u prefer. the cheapest bag?the most expensive bag? neither both of em. if u wanted to buy the expensive, u shld write like dis..


'i like dis bag even its expensive becoz the price is reasonable'.


sgt hadek2 nye ayat. mcm gampang pun ada. yes, wat a fag - i din knw thw word properly yet i used em like its a great efffin word. sungguh memalukan. aku nak cuba selitkan perkataan 'reasonable' dgn mood aku neh. hayati, pls. hahahaha. bodo lah.


aku ada masalah besar when it comes to anger management. w'pun aku sendiri dok ajar stdnt2 tua aku dis Anger Management, tp time kena btg idung sendiri - aku fail. aku ingat dulu adik aku pernah buat lahanat (i mean - tak la lahanat mana, time budak2.. biasa lah). so abah aku rotan dia. omg. seronok giler aku tgk. erm, yes. aku tau. i shldnt pun. tp dah dia nakal, saper suruh? obviously. unless i am at the other end lah.. which was not. lps tgk benda tu, aku swear aku'l be better than my dad. i didnt say my dad was an arse, pls dun get me wrong. his teaching is the best - thus wat i am now. and i cld say it kinda worked on me yg keras kepala and nakal neh. but i knew how bad it looked when he was in THE mood. takut, siak.


tp ntah la - semenjak dua menjak ni aku jadi mcm over sket. oversensitive. senang marah. benda2 kecik kot. aku rasa mcm amarah tu dha tak bley nak bendung lagik dah. frustrated i am. org kata physical activity can help - so aku pun gigih pi lari berkilo2 meter.. ok la kejap, tp ada trigger.. aku sawan balik. aku tak tau  nak ckp mcmana, aku marah dgn diri sendiri. rasa marah yg over. melampau. rasa nak koyak bukak je hati aku neh, then kikis sel2 marah aku tu. then masuk oven. kasik panggang. or goreng ke. haih.


byk benda yg buat aku bengang dis whole week. aku rasa stupid kdg2, since aku jrg marah2 mcm ni. nak kata periet, tak jugak. last aku check - aku still laki2. so periet jadah. and kdg2 the word 'cigarette' dah mula popped into my mind. crap. seriously. rasa mcm nak smoke. sumpah dah lama aku berenti. fyi, aku dah develop rasa benci dgn rokok. bau tgn busuk. mulut pun busuk. bibir hitam. hilang seksi. bukannya best sgt pun. heh. anyway - aku gila tiber2 rayau dlm 7E nampak rokok and gedik rasa nak beli. last2 aku kuar 7E pi mamak lepak2 smbil sumpah seranah diri sendiri. and mkn. mkn. gemuk la aku siot.


tup tup aku dah ok. aku tak tau knp lah aku perlu sensitif sgt dgn benda2 yg aku used to be cool je. dulu pervious incident pun mcm ni, tak aku cool. sumpah aku cool. tp skang dah mcm tahi. how fcuk is dat? heh.


the sec million dollar q is am fcukin reasonable after all the shouting, cursing and gigit bibir tahan marah? or genggam2 tgn tunggu ur fist melayang to muka hazab dpn ko? or am i jst a plain fcuker? dammit, shyte i gez i knew the answer all along.


haih.







..

..

smile?








erm, aku mmg tak mahu lah menipu, kan. tp ramai org yg hebat buat aku tersenyum. disebabkan soalan ini agak menarik - 'muka sir ketat sgt lately, pyh giler nak senyum.. tak de mender yg bley sir senyum sket dah eh?', a stdnt asked me. so marilah aku terangkan dgn lbey mendlm. katanyer.


yg pertama - fmly aku. my mum especially. ini aku tak tidpu. kalo kumpul reramai - balik kg ke, bukak puasa ke, dinner sama-sama.. sumpah meriah. masing2 buat lawak, membahan one another. mak akan jst gelak je. and seeing her smile, and laugh - means the world to me.


yg kedua - bebudak kecil yg cute. esp minimonsters aku. aku still ada minimon yg comel2 mind u, yg kecil dan comel rasa nak lempang lempang sambil geget pipi dorng smpai berdarah.. esp Haziq lah. tp Haziq pun dah 7yo. aku lempang lempang dia, silap ari dia lempang aku balik. hurmm.. tiap kali balik Bagan Serai, budak2 neh will like jerit2 mcm sawan pggl 'pak long! pak long!!' sambil loncat2 mcm chimon. kembang rasa idung, doe.


yg ketiga -couple couple zaman sekarang. owh dun get me wrong. bukan aku galak kan bebudak yg tak abes belajar and still bodoh pergi ber-couple couple, pegang2 tgn bdn sumer segala bagai. owh tidak. esp yg Melayu - yg mcm tadak mak ayah kat kampung. serious aku malu. tp kalo non-mly, aku rasa cute. bg aku lar, aku rasa cute.  so aku senyum la.


yg keempat - kalo ada yg being sweet and tak nyakit kan jiwa raga aku dgn sotlan2 biol. full stop.


kelima - lihat kwn2 aku gelak ketawa. aku perasan aku ada sket nilai pelik. aku suka tgk org senyum and gelak. lagi2 member member aku. diorg gelak sebab ada badut mana buat lawak, aku tgk dorang gelak, and aku pun senyum.






look at em all..



and it doesnt end wit frens, org2 yg rapat dgn aku pun sama. abah aku pun termasuk. abah aku yg sgt2 serious tu - bila tgk dia senyum.. rasa sgt best. sgt2 best. rasa harmoni. darn aku tak tau nak explain how.


tp skang abah dah tak dak.. sigh,


yg keenam - katalah aku sentimental or watsoever -aku mmg suka senyum bila aku tgk sunset. bila tgk bulan bintang waktu mlm yg terang and tenang. its like dlm ati aku akan ckp, 'Ya Allah, bestnye Kau bg peluang aku tgk bebenda mcm neh sumer..'. and now korg rasa aku poyo since aku ckppasal ketuhanan. fine. aku mls nak ckp. aku je tau. best dowh!


haaa.. enam jwpan. i like. so next time bg lagi lah ye, sotlan2 yg bley aku cernakan jwpannya tatkala kepala aku ting tong biol dok marking paper medical yg mcm.. argkh!!









Saturday, March 22, 2014

*flip rmbut*













owh,  btw rambut aku dah makin pjg.
i mean,  tak la sepjg rambut u guys maybe.. tp bg aku,  ni dah
pjg dah neh! selalunya tak smpt dis pjg
aku dah tarah kasik rapat. hahaha
dis time aroumd,  maybe for the last time..
aku rasa nak berambut. i want to remember the feeling of
how it feels to hav rambut. dramatic tak? hahahaha

its time aku selongkar the wardrobe, 
for hats caps topi etc - seblm rmbut aku
btol2 senonoh,  it'll looks hideous,  i knw. mcm nak tak nak je.
mcm tak sudah.

but wait til its pjg.
sekali flip,  harus ko nanes.
or siap sanggol,  BikMama pun sawan.

hiks.





Wednesday, March 19, 2014

today..






by the time aku reached home jst now at 5.30pm, aku rasa so bloody drained out. aku shldve go for a run as usual, but today - aku jst dun feel the urge at all, thuse aku stright head home.


aku shld be free today. aku shld be able to get many thgs done. imagine - aku cuma perlu invigilate exam for an hr, and then class for 2 hrs. dats all. and the rest of the hrs shld be be mine. all mine.


but apparently, dat din happen.


awal pagi Mr Bong dah called aku to make sure all the junior lecturers r there to help and observe how to do thgs, and how to invigilate exam etc. haih. benda senang. and aku usually make it my own way - the easiest and simplest way dat it. tp ni ada juniors la plak -around 8 of em. argkh, serabut. thus - aku hav to be like so protokol, and i hate it. kalo tak nanti they'll take thgs for granted, and learn it the wrong way. mati lar aku.


by 10.30am - kelas. aku lewat masuk since bdk2 renal buat mkn2. i am not keen, tp aku hav to tunjuk muka. pi balik pi balik bersocial sket bagai -11am baru aku masuk kelas. talked about punctuality. heh. kelas on Elisabeth Kubler-Ross Model, on the psychological view. the talk was simple - tp aku need to emphasize thgs, and aku need to put more example. aku used my bad experienced as a medical staff, facing bad attitude of paramedics kat ward. on how they treated my mum badly time abah was warded. the denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance during the near death, and the same thg wit the fmly. aku told em how we faced the difficulties - seawal how abah being diagnosed, until his last day on earth. abah mght not facing all dat - but we, the whole fmly did.


and aku sebak sekejap, thinkin how hard it was for abah. and for mak. for us. but before aku left the hall - i cld see sort of.. i dun knw how to tell - those in their faces. aku tak tau nak ckp mcmana. and another thg is - aku left the hall dgn rasa puas hati, seriously. u knw - dat feeling when u managed to let thgs out and make ppl really understand.


aku hope it'll bring sort of insight in every stdnt's heart. dat we r dealing wit human being, bukan subject. or object. and how thgs work - u get wat u giv. and such.


by 12.30pm aku dah at my place. baru nak pegang2 reports and such - Mim my senior dgn. tarik kerusi and duduk tepi aku. fine. i knw sthg is wrong somewhere. she did dat all the time. sedar tak sedar dkt sejam setgh jgk aku duduk and do nthg - but jst listenin to her. as usual - stdnt post basic dia buat hal, buat kepala msg2. 


the fact dat if ur dealing wit bdk basic, tak pe. they r easily 'mold'. tp deal dgn stdnt2 tua neh? disaster.


Mim mls nak masuk kelas since dia dah geram and tensi dgn bdk2. so aku volunteer to go to the class, and maybe jst jenguk2, ckp2 sket. 2.15pm aku dpn kelas - and nobody there! ermmm.. 3pm baru pakat2 masuk kelas - itu pun selps aku sound the Ketua to call everybdy masuk kelas! imagine - org2 tua dr ko. nak ckp susah, tak ckp susah.


3.30pm - semua dlm kelas. reverse psychology - dats wat i do. 4.30pm, aku concluded everythg, aku mintak maaf and left the class. 5pm - bdk2 tu dah kerumum tmpt Mim - i bet dorg mintak maaf beramai2.


tp aku puas hati. the ability to help others while otak ko sendiri sebenarnya dah penat. 


assignment berlonggok2. ujung minggu ni ada kuiz lagik.


haih.







Tuesday, March 18, 2014

gdluck, K28!









finally. after they've waited for it, for quite some time. i told em all to really enjoy the nthgness, before surat panggilan masuk kerja dtg - but i gez they were so eager la kot. until today.


i was sort of shocked to receive such sms for one of the stdnt, bgtau aku penempatan PPW dah keluar. and lapor diri on 24th March! erm, cpt nyer.. most of em all i gez ok la kot since dpt kampung halaman. tp still, ada yg dpt places yg tak pernah ujud dlm senarai yg dorg mintak. my advice is - jst go. doesnt mean ko dpt posting spital tepi rumah wld be heaven for u. maybe it is. but staying away is not dat bad after all. ur young. restless. so go around the places. see the world, new town, new environment. new, strange faces. while ur young. i say it again - while ur young. one day - bila dah nak kawen, or ur parents needs ur attention and such - only then u do the balik kg. 


for once u stuck at ur own home town, u'll feel complacent - and u'll stuck in there, forever. trust me! hehe


but, posting tepi rumah pun ok jgk. duduk dgn mak ayah, makan minum settle.. apa lagi? erm, tp smpai bila eh? hahahaha.. i mean - it depends on how u see thgs la kot.


so - to all K28. ganbatte. do ur very best. go and impress everybdy, wit ur knwledge and everythg. remember, skang u guys dah nak masuk keje.. no more a stdnt. its a completely, utterly different - if u still remember apa yg i kept on sayin dlm kelas. be good, be nice wit everybdy. be humble. ringan tulang, and rajin bertanya. and once ppl loves u - life will be easy and jst fine for u. dun stuck too long in there, make sure u go cont ur study - as fast as u can. coz time cant wait.


i cannot help but to keep thinkin dat K28 is getting far away now, from me. i am happy, no doubt. but.. theres a feelin in me - i cant describe. a hole. i dun knw. 


sigh.


all the best, K28. i love u guys. jst.. dun forget me in ere, for i will never forget u guys, God sake. and if u happen to stumble into me - dun hesitate, jst say hi and i'll be glad. and if i ended up to ur hospital one day - tak kisah la kat mana2 pun - u knw wat to do. hahaha


gdluck, everybdy.











and, owh - aku lari ptg tadik. tu je nak bgtau.


gdnyte!










Noraziah Che Pa. HB!!







Pinkie and me.
years back, Putrajaya.. 





owh, dis is Noraziah Che Pa. or kwn2 pggl her, Pinkie. or Pinky. since she loves kaler pink, so much. dat was then, while she's still single. now dat she's married - tak sure she is still ga ga wit kaler pink. why? u dun ask me. seriously i dun knw.


she's a fren of mine. my best fren. we hardly see one another - but we always get connected every now and then thru phone and such. w'pun dah tak sekerap dulu - we still do, and aku pun faham - masing2 ada life to live, and responsibility to commit. yet dat doesnt mean dat we r no longer a fren. we still r.


and today is her bird-day. er, no. not a bird-day. for she's a gal. i mean - today, its her best-day, aka her birthday. i called her jst now otw to work, and she's on leave today. untung lah - birthday bley cuti2 Mesia lagik. and abang pun cuti ada kat rumah. wah! grande to the max la nampaknya. hahahaha.. 


so, Pinkie. dis is for u. on ur big day, as big as u now. eh! silap. hahaha.. jgn marah. its ur best-day, rmmbr? marah, kena jual. kalo laku lah.. eh! hahaha.. ok ok, sekali lagik. Pinkie, dis is for u. u mght seen dis like every year, but i hope u'll never get tired of it. for i never feel tired of doin dis, again and again! Happy Birthday! (yg ke brp eh? haha). i wish u all the very best - insyaAllah, in life, work, dunia akhirat. moga di murah kan rezeki, dipermudahkan segala urusan - dlm iman dan taqwa, dunia akhirat. i'm blessed to knw u, i am proud to hav u around, as a fren. 


and Zainal.. jgn jeles ye! ur ma'am is a fren of mine! hahaha


well, if u asked me for the cake and the hadiah - i'd like to ask u sthg now.. wheres my 'anak sedara'? hahaha.. cant wait! 


Happy Birthday, Pinkie. and all the best!








Saturday, March 15, 2014

b*d*h.














aku nak tido. tp sebelum tu, aku rasa nak menaip. and mlm ni, aku rasa nak menaip in Malay. maksud aku Bahasa Melayu lah. and maksud aku - selama ni tak jgk aku perasan yg English aku bagus sgt. and perhaps - kalo menurut Existential - ada dua kemungkinan. maybe ye, English aku lbey baik dr ko. or maybe English ko lbey baik dr aku. tu je. jadah?


btw - selalunya bila aku menaip, emosi akan aku lemparkan dlm entry2 aku. w'pun skang bersepah2 org dok berhashtag MH370, bomoh, Anwar, jerebu bagai - aku rasa aku tak dak plak sentuh any of em. selfie hashtag MH370, ko bhun pg ucap selamat pg pun hashtag MH370. bodoh tak? bukan aku tak concern - cuma aku mls nak ber-mainstream. everybdy is talking about it, so let em lah. aku jst doa apa yg terbaik je lah. and all those kemungkinan, cukup buat aku rasa nak sawan. owh, perkataan mungkin, kalau, if, maybe, possible - kalo ko nak tau, those r perkataan2 yg sering diucapkan oleh org Melayu. 


bunyi mantap, tp niat haram.


wow. aku rasa mcm sekali menaip pendahuluan, padahal tiada niat nak sembang kejadah di atas pun. so, mari masuk ke isi2 tersurat. aku nak maklumkan - tiada isi tersirat. Mat Sirat, nama bapak kawan aku anyway.  dan aku nak tekankan, tiada kena mengena dgn yg idup dan yg mati. 


sifat. semua tau 20 sifat terpuji tu. rite? ru sure about dat? owh, tak pe. ko tak tau, internet ada. jika segan bertanya, Pakcik Goodle ada. boleh taip iluvislam cpt2 kat search box. tekan 'enter'. baca sket2, then ko bley dah kuar fatwa instant. seriously - aku melihat sifat manusia yg semakin menjadi2. yg membenci makin membenci. yg suka makin menyukai, yg bodoh makin membodohkan diri, yg berkuasa terus ingin menguasai, yg tamak tak reti nak berhenti. serious aku muak. mari mulakan dgn kisah org India di Malaysia ni. sekali lagik, tiada kena mengena dgn hidup dan mati. erm, tak jadi lah cerita pasal org India.


aku rasa aku dah berubah demi org lain. aku adapt. katanya. sama spt micro organism yg lain - aku adapt. lepak dgn member2 India, aku ckp English slang India. lepak dgn yg mengaku pandai, slang Mat Saleh. dpt member gampang, start perangai pun gampang. dpt member suka main pool, aku terikut jgk. haih. tp asyik aku je dok adapt to suit ko, jadah? ko tak reti2?


ko tau apa benda yg paling kurang enak dlm proses meng-adapt-kan diri? bila ada pihak yg lagi satu buat taik. bukan buat tauhu. tauhu sedap. goreng dgn tempe.. perkh. taik tu benda yg cekelat2, hitam2, kdg2 mcm gula melaka. or brown sugar. katanya. erm, sama kot? tp dia melekit mcm doh buat doughnut tu. haaa.. mcm tu lah. pihak yg lagik satu tanak adapt, tp duduk dgn kita. kata nak bersosial. berbaik2. jadah! its a giv and take situation lah, bodoh. bkn senang kot! dgn Allah pun ada giv and tak. ko usaha, Allah bagi. ko doa, Allah bagi. ko tdo, Allah jaga.


aku memerhati, aku merasa, aku berfikir. lama jgk aku berfikir, mahu ko terkejut knp aku asyik tak bley tdo padahal dah 2 - 3am, and esok nak keje? benda2 mcm ni lah. korang tanak fikir? tak pe. aku fikirkan utk korang. biar aku berubah utk korang. korang bley buat apa korang suka, aku je dok terhegeh2 buat kwn. telan semua segala mala segala alam, mcm buaya kena penampar. erm, dgn bomoh Malaya tu. ok tak?


sebg penutup, aku rasa lbh byk -ve kpd mereka yg adapt dgn mereka. silap, as a conclusion - i'm the guy-biatch. the one who is hypocrite. karangan aku ni tadak kena mengena dgn ko, ayah ko, even pun mak ko. and aku tak jgk high on ice ke or other drugs at time now. aku tak nak mati mcm budak2 bodoh 5 -7 org berclubbing dgn Dj Armin van Buuren ASOT kat Sepang, smpai mati. 


korang tak pyh la nak usaha faham knp aku minat cerita sitcom tu, kenapa aku minat minah ni, kenapa aku minat psychology. even kalo korang tnya pun, buang masa. nowadays, its really difficult to find those whos into u, really into u - wanted to knw u rather than adding on FB, and posting a once a yr wall post like 'Happy Bird Day, Shahe', and untuk lebih shyte - seperti 'HB!'.


serious b*bi. haha


ok. aku patut berenti. mata dah ngantok. kalo layan lbey lama, sumpah lg byk merepek. 


gdnyte.






Friday, March 14, 2014

man, down.












if u were late to work, its not a good sign. and when dat feelin of ur last quiz flunk surfaces; its also not a good day. u mght up for a terrible day and the best thg to do is jst sleep thru the day.


despite all dat - the fever dat i am havin now, and hectic week - i am ok. it seems like nthg can keep me down.


sometimes i wonder, do i really hav feelings? i doubt dat. sometimes i jst wanna feel - dat is y i am a pain worshipper. as much as i hate to admite  sometimes, i am glad if thgs unexpected come up. bad unexpected thgs.


yesterday, i listened to a story of givin up. and ppl go and ask me shld or shldnt they. to tell u the truth, i jst dun knw wat to say - i knw hows dat feel, God sake. i jst keep my mouth shut, and threw back the question to him/her. but then, ppl always do dat, they want their opinion validated.


at dis raw years of my life, i learnt dat sometimes it is okay to giv up. when the only solution is to jst, break it off and shut it all down - its ok to jst giv up. maybe i am lazy or too chicken shyte to face the problem, but if givin up can make u feel better than continue to limping the course, then the hell wit it.


and yesterday, too - i learnt dat theres jst some ppl u jst hate. i hate dis one person - i do hav reasons, yes. good reasons, yes. how many reasons i hav, none. i jst hate dis one person. reasons? i'll deal wit dat, later. bad person/not, if someone out there to tarnish ur lil film dat is ur life, ur future, ur all - i jst hav to giv any bloody right in the world to loathe dat f*ckers.


breakfast taken, as it is. and my Brufen and some other medication. i shall hit the crib now. the temperature is still raging. let the haze take the blame. the weather. the stress. and i hav no choice but still hav to go to classes today and trow. sign.


good day, ppl!







Wednesday, March 12, 2014

..









at the end of the day - all u can do is telling lies
to one another. comforting each other wit words..
and u urself not sure wat it is.
'sabar la, nak buat mana..'
'its ok, thgs will be ok'
'be strong..'
and such.
while u knw - deep inside -
u knw wat u hav to do.
u knw thgs will never get better, thgs will never be same for God sake.
and u knw - not even one of u, is stronger than another.
ur sharing sort of delusion - hoping thgs will be better.
u believe dat thgs will be ok.
and still - deep inside;
u hav no idea of wat it is there for all of u.


but its ok -
for dats wat we do.
dats wat everyone of us do.
we comfort each other, we be there for one another.


it'll be 2yrs real soon.
and i still remember every bit of everythg.
Allah knws how hard it is for me.


for all of us.



God i miss him so much.
so much i dun knw wat else to say..


al-fatihah.






Tuesday, March 11, 2014

words?















































i made a lil house near a sea cliff, among the rolls of stones and moss, the wind blew thru the windows, shaking the fire in the fireplace - somehow gav the whole house a radiant warm feelin to it. in front of the fireplace - i sat knee to chest and thinkin the house smells like a newly baked bread and i wld love to hav one. theres books upon the shelf, but i am too contented to grab - instead i jst lie in front of the fireplace, and watch the fire until it goes off a nite.


jst, stare. until it goes off. and jst like dat - the whole world stop and so everythg in it. theres only the sound of chilly sea breeze havin its way among the plain - thru the window - the wave breakin at the shore, theres nthg matter.


jst me, and the dancing fire.


sadness. emptiness. is havin to live at such place but burdened wit every lil problem and trouble.


and guys - words spoken, and unspoken - do hurt when ur heart meant so.


God i jst want my lil 'house' back..







state sthg for urself.






i was doin dis exercises in the the class wit the stdnts, during the class - its apart of knwg urself and such. and i found out the stdnts kinda enjoyed it well. u knw - bscally dorang akan enjoy apa2 je yg luar syllabus dorg, definitely. and i did dis to pull their attention, and linked it wit the lesson of the day.


its been a while - and now i'd like to state coupla thgs about myself. jst in case u dun really knw me well. or maybe u claimed so, yet ur not. or maybe -  u dun giv it a shyte pun, tak pe. i dun mind.


so, here we go.



  1. i am comfortable wit myself. apart of 2 minggu away from the ofc, and Ain ckp bdn aku makin bulat. tak pe - ptg ni aku start lari balik. the fact is - i am comfortable wit myself, so much in fact its bordering disgusting.
  2. i listen to the music, and the voice. and ofcoz - the lyrics. sometimes - when u cant put thgs into words - the song will be able to do dat.
  3. i love sea, i love beaches, and i love the smell of the sea in the morn.
  4. i love sunset. and a sun rise.
  5. i am almost sure dat medicine is not my call, its jst sthg i had to do i.e ambition. my calling are writing, colors, and ppl.
  6. i hav a very impressive-shinning bald head.i can a long nice hair if i want to. and i hav no problem in keeping my hair back again - jst dat i dun want to.
  7. i hate small kids who gigglin, wigglin and crossin ur paths at the mall. but i hate their parents even more - for not bein able to take care of theirs sons and daughters of b*tches, let em loose like.. nvm. if it was up to me, those kids wld be in a collar.
  8. i hav my own ego. and pride as well. most of the time i'd go low and let thgs go on its way, until i had enuff. yes, i am no assertive-son-of-the-b*tch. sigh.
  9. i am loveable. and peluk-able!
  10. read the above. and u knw better.


off for the pantry. i need some caffeine. class lagik after dis..


u take care.





..










Say Something



Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you 
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something..



---


hav a good lunch, ppl.







dreams.















i hav dreams.
a lot of dreams, dat is almost impossible
to list em all down - 
and not missin a single thang.


sigh.







Sunday, March 9, 2014

abh.




and theres not a day i go thru w/o thkg of him. aku rindu abh, so much dat aku dun hav words to describe it.


wit thgs dat happened to me, in life, my everyday - i wish i cld talk to him. for he mght understand.


along rindu abah. the tot of u shld appreciate the one u love way better than anythg kept haunting me, and i cant stop my tears from running down my cheeks - each time the tot come hunting me. not dat i didnt, cuma aku tau aku cldve done way better..


aku menangis tp pusara abh, again. bein alone, the environment, the tot of him, buat aku rasa sayu.


along syg abh. byk2. al fatihah.




Friday, March 7, 2014

..






done by 5pm, aku finally reached home by 10pm. aku rasa sg penat - mentally, physically. kalo ikut aku nak je mandi, tdo. but i knw - even if i do dat - i wldnt be sleeping well. assignment due dis Sabtu, kuiz dis Sabtu nota haram aku sentuh.. thus, aku forced myself to sit and get the journal critics done - tho deep down in my head - there r so many thgs marchin up and down, and i am barely concentrate pun.


i am done. and i am off crashing now. esok keje half day, ptg dah berangkut pi kelas plak.. kejap sgt ujg minggu dah smpai.


---


i am putting myself low now. and i am ready for watever dat may come along the way. i believe there'll be changes in life, like everyday - but sometimes, sama ada ko ready atau tidak - dats all dat matters.


i tired. seriously. 


---


gdynyte.










Wednesday, March 5, 2014

mountains.




i wish i meant somethg to u
like u did to me
i wish i cld stay as new
as when u first found me

oh my
head is tight from jst tryna hide my views
oh when
i keep tryin my best just to keep u

place me in the corner
inside ur heart
so dat u remember
baby when i'm gone..

r u still having fun
while w'm still waiting
waiting for the mountains to fall
waiting for the mountains to fall

maybe when i am gone
u'll learn somethg
waiting for the mountains to fall
waiting for the mountains to fall

i'm not as smart as ur books
but i knw how to look
out for u.
i come with the head and the heart
bein using it from the start

and my
brain is starting to suffering bcoz of u
still
i've been tryin my best jst to please u

place me in the corner
inside ur heart
so that u remember
baby when I'm gone..

r u still having fun
while I'm still waiting
waiting for the mountains to fall
waiting for the mountains to fall

maybe when i am gone
u'll learn somethg
waiting for the mountains to fall
waiting for the mountains to fall

place me in the corner
inside ur heart
so that u remember
baby when i'm gone...

r u still having fun
while i'm still waiting
waiting for the mountains to fall
waiting for the mountains to fall

maybe when i am gone
u'll learn somethg
waiting for the mountains to fall
waiting for the mountains to fall


yuna; mountains.







---



shall be leavin the town back home by trow 5pm. and i cant wait.


gdnyte.







Tuesday, March 4, 2014

..










nyte!







..







third nite. and i cant wait to get dis over. for the first time ever - i feel like so dreading stayin away from home. it feels so empty. meaningless. its like i am here, but mind and soul is somewhere else. back home to where i belong.


but then again - i am taking dis quiet moment - from work and anythg at all - to think and look back into life i am living in. theres so many mistakes i wish i cld turn back the time and mend it back to the way it is - but surely i cant. of perhaps, even if i do - i wldnt learn a thang, like i am now. 


as much as i wanted to stay the way it is - i've made up my mind on coupla thgs, and i gotta get it goin. life is short, and i hav to live it the way it is. i gotta appreciate thgs, esp those yg appreciate my existence. i gotta be bold enuff to not running in the same circle again and again - ending up hurting myself, when u knw u've tried so hard to be the very best.


more presentations trow. i hav thgs to be done, yet i dun feel like doin it. perot kenyang, otak kosong. i think i shld jst go crashing.


and before i leave - i gez, dats the way life is. s'times, u gotta learn to let go - to knw how good it is, for u.


gdnyte.








Monday, March 3, 2014

i wanted to..



..

Like lullabies you are,
Forever in my mind.
I see you in all,
The pieces in my life.
Though you weren't mine,
You were my first love.
I wanted to go, away with you,
And I will leave, all my troubles here.
I wanted to, run away with you,
And I will bring, all my dreams and fears.
Like lullabies you are,
Forever in my mind.
I see you in all,
The pieces in my life.
Though you weren't mine
Like lullabies you are,
Forever in my mind.
I see you in all,
The pieces in my life.
Though you weren't mine
Though you weren't mine,
You were my first love.
You were my first love.
I wanted to, start again with you,
And I will leave, all my worries here.
I wanted only you.
And all that I have felt with you
Like lullabies you are,
Forever in my mind.
I see you in all,
The pieces in my life.
Though you weren't mine
Like lullabies you are,
Forever in my mind.
I see you in all,
The pieces in my life.
Though you weren't mine,
Though you weren't mine,
You were my first love.
You were my first love.
You were my first love..

---

trow is the second day me in ere.. :-/




Sunday, March 2, 2014

malas.


lazy to wake up. lazy to get the hell outta the bed. lazy to pack. lazy to do anythg at all.
i jst wanna dive in the bed even more, and forget about the world .




Saturday, March 1, 2014

nyte.








finally i am home - after being all over places for the whole week. but jst for a nite - since last Friday, before aku off for Tanjung Malim - ofc called and it seems like i hav to unpack, and re-pack back again for another trip - out of ere. for another week.


and aku cant stop to feel so tired, God sake. jst when i am about to hilang rasa homesick aku - and i'll be on the road again. tp ok sket kot - since trow, the driver will drive me - and like 5 of us, as well. tak bley byg meja aku mcmana bersepah wit memos, buku2 log stdnts etc, skang neh. 


otak tepu. i am crashing now. gdnyte.