Friday, February 28, 2014

u, complete me.











u had me at hello..




i was driving back from my hideous dinner alone at A&W tonite, when the radio played dis song. i was surprised, i hardly believe dat i was listening to it, again. its been years, been a while since i last heard dis playing.


i always love dis song. means a lot to me. not forgetting the movie as well - dun worry, i wont be writing about Jerry Maguire, again dis time around. but the song - hits me.


been a long week, darn i cant help feeling empty, lonely. and i jst wanna get rid of all dis, and hit home. darn i feel sgt2 homesick dis time around.


goodnyte!







Tuesday, February 25, 2014

eat pray love, p3.








"..i've come to believe dat there exists in the universe sthg i call 'The Physics of The Quest' -
a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity,
or momentum. and the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like dis, "if ur brave
enuff to leave behind everythg familiar and
comforting (which can be anythg from ur house to ur bitter old
resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey
(either externally or internally),
and if u r trully willing to regard everythg dat happens to u on dat journey
as a clue, and if u accept everyone u meet along the 
way as a teacher, and if ur prepared -most of all - to face (and forgive) some very difficult
realities about urself -
then truth will not be withheld from u", or so i've come to believe.."


- Elizabeth Gilbert; Eat, Pray, Love.




---


good morning, peeps. lets go to work!













eat pray love, p2.







"..in the end - tho - maybe we must all giv up tryin
to pay back the ppl in dis world who sustain our lives. in the end -
maybe its wiser to surrender before the
miraculous scope of human generosity and to jst keep sayin thank u,
forever and sincerely - as long as we hav voices.."


- Elizabeth Gilbert; Eat, Pray, Love.



---


sigh.









Monday, February 24, 2014

eat pray love, p1.





"..i'm ere. i love u. i dun care if u need to stay up -
cryin all nite long, i will stay wit u.
theres nthg u can do ever to lose my love.
i will protect u until u die, and after ur death i will still
protect u.
i am stronger than Depression and i am braver than Loneliness,
and nthg will ever exhaust me.."

- Elizabeth Gilbert; Eat, Pray, Love.



---


nice, isnt it? sigh.


goodnyte.









eat pray love











"..ppl think a soul mate is ur perfect fit, and dats wat everyone wants.
but a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows u everythg dat is holding u back, the person
who brings u to ur own attention so u can change ur life.

a true soul mare is probably the most important person u'll ever meet bcoz they tear ur walls and smack u awake. but to live wit a soul mate forever? nah, too painful.
soul mates - they come into ur life
jst to reveal another layer of urself to u - and then leave.

a soul mates purpose is to shake u up, tear apart ur ego a lil bit -
show u ur obstacles and addictions, break ur heart open - so a new lite can get in, make u so
desperate and out of control dat u hav to transform ur life, then introduce u
to ur spiritual master.."

- Elizabeth Gilbert; Eat, Pray, Love.



---


reached in ere by 4pm sthg - really took my ime for i had nthg to rush for pun. jst dat - i never ever drive dis far alone - on my own - so, i've been quite worry for certain thgs. but alhamdulillah - thgs r alrite. wit GPS up there, and everythg in order - i've made it.


jst dat aku tertinggal tali pinggang rite there on the bed - seriously aku lupa bwk masuk beg - which i dun knw wats into me, really. dat is the one of the most important thang yg masuk beg dulu, all dis while. and today - i left it back there in Ipoh. dammit i gotta go out and look for one, or i'll look weird wit all at place - yet no belt.


watching Eat, Pray, Love now. i dun knw how many time i've been watching dis. but  other than Jerry Maguire - i always love dis. i mean - i love the story. the monologue. the everythg. 


wit a lot of thgs in mind, and a lot of thgs to do - for days to come - i cant help feelin a lil homesick now. i wish i am not stranded here, all alone. 


dat wld be the last thg i wanna i do.









Tuesday, February 18, 2014

lullabies..











Like lullabies you are,
Forever in my mind.
I see you in all,
The pieces in my life.
Though you weren't mine,
You were my first love.

I wanted to go away with you,
And I will leave all my troubles here.
I wanted to run away with you,
And I will bring all my dreams and fears.

Like lullabies you are,
Forever in my mind.
I see you in all,
The pieces in my life.
Though you weren't mine..
Like lullabies you are,
Forever in my mind.
I see you in all,
The pieces in my life.
Though you weren't mine

Though you weren't mine,
You were my first love.
You were my first love.

I wanted to start again with you,
And I will leave all my worries here.
I wanted only you.
I know that I felt with you.

Like lullabies you are,
Forever in my mind.
I see you in all,
The pieces in my life.
Though you weren't mine..
Like lullabies you are,
Forever in my mind.
I see you in all,
The pieces in my life.
Though you weren't mine,

Though you weren't mine,
You were my first love.
You were my first love.
You were my first love.
You were my first love.



Lullabies; Yuna.





i knw dis is way back then - and i hav to confess, aku baru je discover dis sweet song. been listenin to dis like most of the nite - each time aku not able to sleep. all i did is - stay there in bed, in dark, wit dis song fill up the air - the arrangement, the music, the haunted voice of her, the lyrics.. it soothes me a lot. 


i am not sure wat it means to u - but it mean a lot to me.






Monday, February 17, 2014

man period.











blergkh..



okay. i am sleepy and i feel like a bloody Zombie. and i am in no mood to - u knw - be the pussy i was and listen to wat all dis makciks and female lecturers r talking.


at some point - all i hear was yak yak kitty yak, wak wak wak, blah blah blah and so on. God knws i talk much.. ah, fcuk it, i jst hate listenin to the same crash and burn story gals tell u each time they hav problem wit a man, and came up to me like 'haaa.. ko try tanya Shah, dia pandai..' kinda bulshyte.


as much as gals like to see em as in power, they gotta admit dat u gals r easily tamed by the power of majestic d*ck; forgive me for bein rude - but dat is the truth. i HATE it when gals tell each other lies to feel friggin safe, to feel comfort.. like 'o c'mon, he still loves u..', 'he now realize how he misses u' and byk lagi. wat the fcuk u knw about dat? and howdya knw, at the first place? ko ahli sihir ke?



they asked for ur opinion. fine. i gav mine. again and again. but wld dat make a change? obviously, no. u, as a male person - knws very well how a male human's mind work. wanna knw the secret? yes, i'll tell u. now.



WE DUN CARE. unlike all women believe - men think simple thgs. WE DUN. the only reason y u female think like dat is - bcoz u we want to. we, wit all our intelligence and might, try hard as fcuk not to include u gals in any of our business and mind.. and as graceful as ur, u think men r useless.. jst bcoz they dun think of u. blergkh.


see - u gals need to stop think man as uber stupid and primitive. to gain urselves respect. the faster u realize dat in order to be equal, u hav to respect each other not demand of equality. show men all over the wrold dat u can be as frightening, can be as freakin bold!


u knw wat women need to realize? dat men cld live w/o em. err. i mean, yes, they do. it will be too difficult but they, will, carry on. dat is the main point. so stop believing dat a man misses u so much, yes he might do - but he'll move on, if ur unlucky - to another gal.


and when a man start eyeing other gal, DUN EVER BE THE SAVIOR OF UR RELATIONSHIP. pls dun be noble and believe dat the love u felt was real. bulshyte. for man, love is very confusing, they can multiple in very short periods, and they can gone wit the wind in a blink of an emu's eye. and u - ur not helping, at all.


STOP BELIEVING IN UR MAN AS IF HE IS THE ONE. there is NO 'The One'. trust me. there is only the one available right now, and hello - its ur hormone speaking, u fcukin need to find a man, settle down or ur eggs will dwindling and i'll go menopause rage.. yes, my ma'am - whoever will do. 


there, you are the one.


and pls, stop picking rare stories of ur frens or frens of frens or so about every gal's dream guy. coz they r not exist. ur dream guy poops and pees and stinks, and they r rare species.. God knws is they exist!!


i can talk more now, but i cant bcoz aku geram giler dgn makcik-makcik neh yg dok berlonggok dan bergossip pasal lelaki like non-stop


lagipun aku puasa.


argkh! i am havin my man period!


the reason y i am posting dis bcoz u, YOU - female creatures dat brought the world-end catastrophe dat is Justin Bieber, and dat Twi-fcuking-light and bad driving behavior and all gay vampires to dis world. yes, i am a sexiest now, for now - wateverwhocarenoonethankyou.






u there?







its 2.30am and i am still in ere. i was there lying in the dark, tossin up and down, trying to close my eyes - but my mind was not, so i was there staring in the dark, wit all the scary silence around u..


dammit.



---



i hate to come out and sound depressed or tensed but i am. the world, is too overwhelming rite now. and i dun knw who and where i shld turn to. its like the world around me is spinning in a fast motion, and i run and run and try to get on board wit everyone else. but i cant.


the saddest thg is probably lies wit the fact dat i hav no one to talk about dis, in the sense dat i can talk w/o feelin judged or perhaps the insecurity monster inside me think i am so tortured dat no one else can handle it.


a few days ago - i learned how does it feel to be the stupidest person among peers. i learned how insensitive some ppl can be no matter how kind ur to em. i learned how the same insensitive ppl most of the time they treated u like a side dish - u only precious when there is no one else. i learned how hard it is to be happy about sthg ur not. i learned how sad and pathetic it is to hang ur hope expecting failures and doomed to slump when ppl r winnin, and ur not.


i learned dat good thg happens to bad ppl. maybe fair is a paradox word. i learned how insignificant my existence to the world - to the ppl around me - dis i learned for umpteenth times. i learned, maybe, jst maybe, thgs r not cut out for me to fit in, the cut out is too big and i am jst a speck of dust around the edges. and i learned how dream and ambition is two very different thgs, in words emselves - dat rarely the two wld meet. and how rare to achieve both. and to consider to settle maybe, halfway of the climb.


perhaps wat i knw now is not to hope any more - bcoz before dis i learned, also the hard way, not to hope too high. never put ur expectation mountain high. apparently, i was wrong. hope is a false illusion of theres a magical wonderful world where everythg works for u, and dat world - is non-existence. sigh.


so - dun hope at all. at all course. better to expecting loses, bcoz statistically speaking, the bell graph has like only 25% who succeeded while the other 75% r pathetic fools who think they stand a chance - its better to knw i wld be in the latter than hoping to be in the former but later disappointed. 


crush.



---


think i shld try crashing again. darn i need some sleep, God sake. perhaps i cld, after dis?










Sunday, February 16, 2014

run? not today.






i cld go for a run dis morn., but i din. balik surau dis morning - i was like thinkin hard to decide - to dive back into the bed, or siap2 pi lari.


and i gez u knw wat it is. by 10am smthg - baru aku bgun.


and ptg tadi - i cld be running, again. hahaha.. but then - instead of doin so - aku terbungkang kekenyangan, tersadai kat kusyen dpn tv like blue whale nak bunuh diri, sangkut tp pantai. imagine - kenduri 2 tempat, house warming lagik. duh. i hate everybdy, today.


owh, btw - aku nak share my playlist lah, those yg aku listen to when i do the running. most of the time - aku get hooked up to the phone lah, senang - since all the apps r there, malas nak penuh wayar satu badan dgn earphones etc. i used to listen to trance while running. i think its kinda cool. it is cool, alrite. cuma lama2 aku rasa bosan. music wit no vocals and such. trace do me good. aku rasa ringan, bersemangat and a bit kerasukan. haha over.


so - here we go. ko jgn rasa pelik dgn playlist aku plak. and jgn rasa gusar or ragu2. maybe ko tak suka - and serious aku dun giv a shyte pun. hahaha..



  1. Summertime Sadness - Lana del Ray (Cedric Gervais Remix)
  2. The MOnsters - Eminem feat Rihanna
  3. What's My Name - Rihanna feat Sean Kingston (remix)
  4. Aku Tak Peduli - Icona Pop (i.e I Dont Care.. haha)
  5. Diamonds - Rihanna feat Kanye West (remix)
  6. Hold On We're Going Home - Drake feat Majid Jordan
  7. Let Me Love You - Ne-Yo
  8. Numb - Usher
  9. Rescue - Yuna (hohohoho..)
  10. Let Her Go - Passenger
  11. New Day - Alicia Keys feat Dr Dre & 50Cents
  12. Play Hard - David Guetta feat Akon & Ne-Yo
  13. Team - Lorde
  14. Timber - Pitbul feat Ke$ha
  15. We Run The Night - Havana feat Pitbul
  16. What Now - Rihanna
  17. Falling - Yuna
  18. Lullabies - Yuna

and a few more..


i need somethg to get me distracted, when i am running. otherwise -i'll keep entertaining voices in my head askin me to 'haiyooooh, benti jap.. benti jap.. penat!' kinda thang. at least i had my thinkin on the songs, and let the feet do the thang - puttin one in front of another and keep moving. 


despite dat i am doin dis alone (sedih, since i hav nobody to dis wit me), i think i started to love wat i am doin now. i knw - aku baru je mula berlari2 neh - and payah giler nak get it alrite like 10km wit in 1hr. ada je alasan. haih. but at least - i am doin it. 


and as i keep on telling myself over and over again - i'll do better as time goes by.











..










i cant sleep, again tonite. its been so many nites, like dis before. and dis time around - insomnia kickin in hard. fcukin hard.


i think i am in stress. i knw i dun show it, heck i dun realize i am, but jst now - i almost burst into tears listening to some sad songs - i am thinkin of abah. of life i am living in. of me. myself. 


and those sad songs had no significant meaning to me, anyway,


sigh. i hate dis.







Saturday, February 15, 2014

never.













i guess there is no other to knw wat we've been doin all along is rite or wrong. except to end wat we had started in the first place. but there is always a way out. life is a long and winding highway - and there always the exits, tho it will only come in only a few moments in ur life.


human is designed to prevail. evolution has taught us dat - dat only the strongest will survive. out thick skulls, hard bones, layers of skin, a very effective secretion system, we r designed to live. but, we r not designed to make wise decisions. thru out history - all sort of bad decisions made, catastrophic effects came and passed, and wait for the next bad decision to be made.


giving uo, we al had dat moment of clarity - when the idea of leavin seems like not too bad of an idea. like how sometimes our minds deceive our brains into drinkin dat orange mustard is a good on us. the only different is how many of us really dig the idea of leavin, and take the faithful leap - to a decision dat mght be regretted later - but nevertheless, is a thg to do.


all my life - i seldom giv up. but also there were too lil of circumstances into pedestal - to make or to break. i usually go wit the flow, and dat is y i really dun knw how's givin up wld truly feel. and if i hav to imagine - to giv up in wat i am doin - i will tell u how liberating it wld be. i imagine it wld be smthg no short of being given a chance at life for a second time. i cant express how light i wld feel if i was to escape dis.


but theres too many thgs a fantasy can fulfil. dat reality wld soon kick its harsh unmerciful gesture. the constant reminder of ur failure, u - yes, u r a failure. get up off ur arse and see urself in the mirror how pathetic u look. dat torturing feeling every morn u will hav upon the realization of u r nthg but a sack of dead meat w/o purpose seeps in. the question dat if u died, who wld miss u, wat will they say about deceased u, the grim tots dat keep replayin over, and over again.


sorry - i hav too many thgs to lose if i giv up now. or ever. i cant afford to giv uo, be it the road wld riddle wit multiple failures and constant depression. no. i cant. dis is sthg i hav to do - wat am i gonna do wit it when i am finished , dat is sthg i havent decided yet. i, as ur - will made dis murky black water and watever will happen - will reach the shore in the end.


be strong my mate. jst be strong.



---


gdnyte.








Wednesday, February 12, 2014

un-dress me. err













ok. esk aku pakai wig.




and now u knw dat stdnts is really paying attention - to every single details of u. erm, and stimes u wish kan bagus kalo dlm kelas, they'll give the same attention to the lesson taught. eh? but seriously - they do. jam yg ko pakai, kasut, ur baju baru or not, tie tak match, ko pakai spek tak pakai spek, janggut misai jambang bagai.


including ko nye zip. ofkoz.


seriously, sometimes it makes u feel good. knwing dat there r ppl out there is paying attention. ur presence and such. i think dats normal. most of u r like dat - no matter how hard ur tryin to deny it. but deep in u, it is. up to a point u ended bein so meticulous about everythg - for ur scared to be magnified, for sure. 


and seriously - sometimes u start to feel kinda suffocate. ko pecut dgn scoot kat jalan yg bz pakai round neck, suar bwh lutut, selipar Jepun and tak berhelmet - ko tunggu la, jap lagi akan smpai WhatsApp sayin, 'eh, sy nampak sir!!'. and dats wat happened to me, smlm. ha ha.. 


no, its not funny.


is dat a problem? no. i took it lightly. aku dulu pun mcm tu - at dat particular stage of age - u tend to look up for someone and such, and u like to see watever u like to see - and u ended up wit some kinda perception. u knw - role model and such. i am not saying dat i am good, dat u hav to look up to me. no. but dis is somethg dat u hav to pay, a price to pay - being u urself, doing wat u do, and being force to be under a kanta pembesar. dan, i hope i wont look way way gemuk dr biasa, eh? hahaha.. i mean, i got no prob at all. i believe in myself. i am wat i am, and i'll be wat i shld be. u can judge me, i dun mind. u can like wat u see, or choose to hate it as well. coz i hav no problem at all.


coz if u do - may be ko yg bermasalah. eh? bukan aku.


tadak misai bkn masalah. hahaha.. aku yg bermasalah sebnrnya. knwing yg aku mmg jahil dlm bab2 trim janggut misai neh, tp still nak mengadap cermin, pegang shaver. ended up (as usual) misai tobek, and aku kena pecut naik scoot (tak sempat berhelmet) pi barber and get rid of it. trust me - 3 4 hari lagi, there'll be more in between lubang idung and mulut aku, for sure.


at least a jgk stdnt pempuan tegur aku and went like, 'sir, u look young!'. and me, being me - my first reaction was like, 'heh. ayat!'. 


and i laughed away. 









permanent, no.






i always tell to myself to stay low, held head high, walk tall and strive for the best. i always tell to myself dat everythg in dis world - everythg - is temporary. nthg is permanent as we stimes wish thgs wld be. everybdy mght knw u well (or so they claimed it to be) and everyone seems to like u - but u never how its goin to be trow. u mght hav all the fame, the look, the status, the state of health and such - yet nbdy knws wld it still be there by the time u wake up, trow morn. 


but then again - wit all the tots, i wont let anythg brings me down. obviously i am enjoying wat i am having now - for dats wat i am havin now, and i am wishing, striving for the very best, for trow. a step at a time. and i always tell to myself never, ever take thgs for granted. never. i love wat i am doin now, and i knw i am at the best of it. and i wont let myself drowned in it.


owh, btw - trow is goin to be a brand new day for me. completely new. i will be back as a stdnt, God sake. been a while, i knw. and i've been there, done dat for so many time - and obviously i am enjoying, and i love it. the challenges and all. i hav to admit dat i do feel kinda anxious a bit for trow - for i dun knw how its gonna be. but as usual - we r scared for the unknown. and the uncertainty. but i will go thru dis, for sure. and thgs will be jst fine insyaAllah.


wish me luck, ya. erm, thinking about all the struggles i went thru before, haih lagik aku gelabah siak! hahahaha.. see u!










ok, selfie sket.
jgn muntah skang. mohon cari sinki bedekatan.
tq.











Tuesday, February 11, 2014

slmt pg!








woke up at 5.30am, aku still hav the urge to smbung tdo. semlm after all the thgs - iron baju, mandi solat etc, dah around 12.30am. sort of way beyond my crashing time on the weekdays. haih. and today - i'll be having dis indoor training Taking People With You Workshop by Sains Komunikasi - whole day. i hope its goin to be a hands-over kinda thang, otherwise i'd be snoring lar jawab nyer. i hate to jst sit and listen for hrs, thank u.


semlm nyer Pertanding Sketsa - ok larr.. nothg to much ado of pun. most of the group - jalan cerita hampir cliche. keinsafan. krg ajar dgn mak ayah then mati kena siksa. antu kubur. laki dressed in baju perempuan etc. ada yg sgt boring - i wished i cld jst stop the whole thang and sent em down the stage (kejam tak? hahaha), ada yg best and kelakar. basically, i had fun too - since Ain and KM (ehem!) jadi juri2 together wit me. 


and the worst part is - at the end of it - ada yg approached aku mintak jadi juri (again) for dis Wed mlm, pertandingan tarian or sthg. huhuhu.. mmg tak la kot. not may area of interest. i mght be sitting down there and wondering wat to do then. kdg2 aku musykil jgk - naper asyik2 aku je yg dorg cari. no, not wat u hav in mind now. i mean - ramai lecturer lain kot. maybe aku approachable. maybe aku senang bwk runding keje. or perhaps, aku available most of the time - wit less of excuses. perhaps aku ensem. and kendu?


ok. muntah now. yg last tu aku tambah sendiri.


the fact is  aku love to be involve wit all dis, when time izinkan. seeing em evolving, spending their effort and such. and aku love to contribute by spending some time into it. at least - dats the least i can do. so mlm ni - sekali lagi i hav to be around for Pertandingan Karaoke/Koir. wit Ain and saper ntah.


gtg. registration soon. Mr Anwar the Science Comm dah ajak aku jalan pi Academic Building. see u.







Monday, February 10, 2014

hav u ever?









pernah tak ko terfikir, if u ever stumble into a person u've met again - in a period of time, in life? i mean - kalo org berbuat baik dgn ko, being nice to u - and u feel so selesa and glad he's/she's helping u - and u think to urself, if u will be able to meet him/her again in life? maksud aku - bukan la kerani ko kat ofis yg sah2 ko tgk muka dorg tiap2 hari. dis is someone yg accidently ko dealing wit, at some other part of places in the world, for example.


aku lately selalu terfikir mcm tu - if i met someone nice, good, pleasant and apa yg dia buat u'll remember for the kindness and such - ko akan terfikir and wonder if ko will stumble into the same person again.


the same thang wit those yg buat taik dgn ko. bg ko marah, bengkek, menyampah and meluat - yet he/she is completely stranger.


the so forth wit the places u go - be it the worst or the beautiful u've ever been to - u'll start thinkin, i will be back in ere soon. or will u? will u hav the chance to do so?


i had dat kinda thg in mind - lately. and fikir2 balik - aku rasa mcm buang tebiat. heh.


4 hrs of class today. went smooth. first 2 hrs in the morn., wit budak2 farmasi. first time wit em all. they seemed to enjoy it well, and i am glad. smpai take 5 pun tak nak - and aku hav to literally made em get the hell out of the class, and hav a break. sebenarnya - aku yg need a break. perit tekak dowh. another 2hrs - 2pm to 4. as usual - aku not keen of kelas ptg, seriously. watdya expect - nap time. ko tgk muka stdnts pun bersegi2. and u started to feel fed-up and such.


and aku puasa ari neh. penat sket plak rasanya. 3.30pm - aku stopped the class. and bdk2 bgun dr tempat duduk mcm kena letrik bontot masing2.


and mlm ni - aku hav to be there again, since di lanti jadi Ketua Juri utk pertanding sketsa bdk2 neh. for ko-ku dorg lah. mula2 aku malas sgt nak pi. but then dis one stdnt siap pujuk bagai wit such 'sapa lagik yg ada, sir.. sir sorg je lah yg ada pun' kinda thang - aku rasa nak pitam. hahaha.. and trow - Pertandingan Karoke/Koir. aku jgk jadi one of the juri. mati lar lecturer2 lain ckp aku gila koser. the truth is - kowser aku. stdnt mintak tlg, and aku feel kinda obligate. tu je.


ok. dah 7.20pm. nak turun nak siap2 for berbuka!







Wednesday, February 5, 2014

passive aggressive? aggressive?







i think i am getting aggressive lately. in the term of behavior. and i dun like it. i mean - if its a good thang, its different. but well, dis is aint. and when i off from the class ptg tadi, i scrolled down my blog - i cldnt agree more. i am aggressive lately. perhaps, if u read my entries - it is like one. plus my FB status, Tweet and such.


pagi tadi - awal2 pagi aku dah mengamuk. bygkan aku 8am sharp dah dlm kelas - ikut jadual la.. and Mr Bong came in front te back door sayin there r still stdnts blum masuk kelas. he asked me to do head count.


fine. i did dat. and i went thru the attendance from.


and suddenly - head count dis group tak cukup org. tp borang semua dah signed? wat is dat mean? u knw wat dat bloody mean. ada balachi bodoh tlg sign, whereas the tuan bdn still blum dlm kelas.


fine. aku reserved pschology sket - dlm 5mins aku dah dpt the hamba abdi yg tlg signed for dis one guy. i made him rushed back to the hostel, get him down to the class, stat. and he did. aku went on wit the class - he finally in. aku tnya knp tak masuk kelas?, dia ckp 'saya gastric'. i asked him again, knp tak masuk kelas? and he came close to me - he told me dia ada masalah fmly. fine. aku tnya lagi, knp tak masuk kelas? he said btol he had 'gastric, and tadi tak bley jalan.. (and yet he was there in front of me!). 


back hand on his pipi kanan. jst like dat. and tgn aku menggigil. kelas diam. sunyi sepi. dammit i am a medical personnel, and u think i jst buy dat bulshyte? u dun lie to a liar. and u dun do shyte, if u dun knw how to.


and aku was ok after dat.


ptg tadi - kelas lagi dgn sem lain (aku full swing ari neh). presentation. the guys knw my do's and dont's during the class. aku dah bgtau awal2 lagi. and aku noticed dis stdnt was looking down at his celah bedah, like so into it. aku went up, stood beside him - and dia still tak sedar dat aku was there - and yes, he was on the phone, checking his FaceBook! 


aku asked the phone politely. he refused. aku asked again - nicely. and finally he gav it. upon havin the phone in my hand - the phone was finally flew in the air, ended up on the other side of the hall's wall. and it went into pieces. 


i am not like dat all the time. i mean - last aku back-hand stdnt was a yr back - K28 aku sendiri. for some solid reason. still - aku tau i had no right to do so. and i knw - ur judging me upon reading dis, but its ok - judge me if u want to, for i dun giv a shyte.


there must be somethg wrong wit me. and i gotta figure out. 


sigh.







Tuesday, February 4, 2014

who likes u? pt. 2










mohon belajar,
how to make one!
crucial, i am telling u.






semenjak dua menjak ni aku rasa aku dlm keadaan yg memenatkan. bkn physically, tp mentally. kelas tak terkejar, clinical teachings pun berterabur. itu pegang, yg ni tak siap. staf kuar masuk pi cuti bagai pun aku lost track. walhal staf bwh aku ada 4 ketul je kot. how? sibuk dgn diri sendiri. sibuk dgn so many thgs yg aku pun tatau mende.


tp dat doesnt mean dat i'll stop from thinking about dis. aku fhm manusia akan mula look for somethg else, somethg new - as an option - bila yg sedia ada ko dah jemu. atau dah hilang keserasian. or sefahaman - mcm artis nye statement ko selalu dgr. and dats y a man will look for another woman or wife dlm hidup dorg, or bila Uncle Hussein bubar jadi Lan Typewriter. er, tukar tukar. contoh yg tak kena. i mean - ko fhm kan? bila u guys mula go on separate ways, ke jalan so-called destiny masing2.


to be frank - aku bosan, boring, menyampah dgn fakta yg ampeh neh. sbb it is so true. aku hav dis one fren of mine kat tempat keje - yg dok cerita pasal r/tangga dia - how he is falling for another gal, extra-marital-ly. aku jenis malas amek port pasal org lain - w'pun kdg2 sampai jgk kat telinga aku. bg aku - kalo dia ada skandal dgn only one gal, dat only one and only - i wld understand y. tp bila dia cerita dat dis is the third gal - aku rasa mcm gampang. 


dgn selamba dia ckp "jodoh di tgn Tuhan". ya, btol lah. aku tak pernah nafikan. rezeki, hidup mati, jodoh - semua di tgn Tuhan. tp tak bermakna ko tak bley berbuat apa-apa. nak je aku tnya kat dia, "beb, apa ko nak dlm idup ko ni sebenarnya?" tp aku tak smpai hati. i mean - it is not rite at the first place pun.


sepjg hidup aku - aku always beri komitmen yg terbaik - be it watever dat is. aku ulangi - komitmen yg terbaik. bkn dlm relationship shj, semua2 lah. bkn maksud aku - kerja aku cukup bagus, tp aku akan bersungguh-sungguh to complete watever yg aku dah started. get it done, in the very best way. 


and bila org sdr kemampuan ko beri komitmen, ko akan nampak how ppl really wants u. big boss? second big boss? ur immediate boss? sanggup call and text ko tgh2 mlm tnya ko dis and dat. cthnya; mintak ko jadi SUP - walhal dorg tau, dat is one of the thg yg ko refused to be. sanggup guna ayat-ayat manis bg ko cair "ur name has been mentioned up there". up there where? langit? heaven? haih. 


and dat gets me asking myself - perlu ke ko yg hidup berpendirian, goyah bila dipujuk sebegitu rupa? i mean - bukan dlm example di atas je lah. in life secara am, generally. seriously, aku pening.


and lagi aku pening bila kawan aku yg seketul neh dok ngadu, tanya apa yg perlu dia buat. ko ingat aku saper? aiyo. kalo bab lain, aku tak kisah. kerja aku tak siap, kena melyn dia plak. sah2 kalo aku perambat je dia, byk keje lain bley siap.



dia tnya mcmana bley hati dia rasa goyah to the wife. to go on or not to go on. si gf plak jenis tak reti jaga hati dan perasan. katanye. nak je aku hempuk keyboard kat dahi mamat neh - and baru dia sdr and get real. yg ko pi cari taik at the first place tu, pe hal? but then again - its not rite to do so.


bila duduk and fikir balik situasi neh - aku rasa kelakar. aku yg tak lah hebat mana pun, tadak rupa kurang plak cerdiknya - and ko dtg mintak nasihat tunjuk ajar segala mala. sambil pangku kepala, aku tersengih dgr dat perkataan bodoh kuar dr mulut aku sendiri. aku bley bygkan karikatur aku lempang diri sendiri lelaju since ckp tak serupa bikin. mintak dia fkr balik, do some good decision, and choose sthg good - adil utk semua org. where as - dlm hati, aku ckp lain. tp nak buat mcmana - semua nasihat aku tu bernas belaka. bkn aku ckp, tp dia yg bgtau. bezanya - antara dia dgr atau tidak je, apa yg aku ckp dlm ati aku.


dah penat aku fikir, keje jadah tak siap. abes mcm tu je time lunch aku kat pantry, utk mamat neh. whereas, aku shld hav it good, on my own, sorg2 kacau Nestum. ko nasihat mcm2, bg example mcm2, at the end of the day, haram ko nak giv it a tot. aku yg penat fikir mcm2, bgtau mcm2, tp tiber2 dtg org lain tuang minyak RON95, and cucuh api. aiyo, sakit siak. sakit ati. 


no. RON95 mahal. ko pi cari alternatif lain.


the conclusion is - when someone love u, care for u - u gotta appreciate it well. show it. say it everynow and then. tell her/him dat u do appreciate it well. hargai ksh syg yg org bagi, and she/he'll definitely into u. and bila dia dah jadi someone or somebdy to u, and dia buat taik - bersabar lah, and do some poker-face.


haha.. sabar je lah, ye. sabar tu separuh dr iman. hah, ko nak aku ckp apa lagi? huhu








near, yet so far..








a sun rise at Pangkor.
good morning!







4am aku dah bgun. bkn tak bley tdo, aku slept like a baby instead. smlm 10.30ish pm aku dah crawled up the bed. as usual, bgun such early - kemas2 beg keje, bilik, off to bilik study, smbg2 golek, by 5.30am - aku dah siap mandi, solat etc, tunggu Subuh. aku feel like nak go off for a morn jog - tp its a working day, and i never try it before. perhaps one day, i shld.


and 6.30am - aku dah kat bwh, panas enjin kete, siap2 nak kuar. i knw - its early, but u shld knw like most of the time - Mr Bong lagik awal dr aku smpai ofc. and like most of the time - aku second early after him. aku suka start early, byk keje bley buat. like wat i am doin now - pun kat ofc - so dat by letting all out from the miind, aku'd be able to store more for the rest of the day. 


i gez - in life; kita tak selalu dpt apa yg kita nak. perhaps u want A, u pray hard for it, u work hard for it - but u only get B+. or if ur lucky enuff, ko dpt A+. or maybe - u hav nthg at all. its purely subjective. i've been there, i knw how it is. sometime - u alrdy hav everythg it takes to get wat u really want in life - and suddenly, u jst hav to let it go. u jst hav to. jst like dat. and u succumbed into all kinda stress and shyte. sometime - u never think of havin it, at all - and it finally urs. and u thanked God for it, and u feel so blessed. 


along the way - i learn one thg for sure. i learn how to bersyukur dan berlapang dada. i used to hate it each time mak told me so. but now i knw. coz for everythg, every single thg yg berlaku in life - there must be a reason for it. a hikmah, some ppl said. its jst how u look at it. or from which angle ur lookin at it. and how u take it, and digest it down ur flabby stomach. and go on wit life. i had time of my life, i never regret. i learn a lot. all those sweet, good time. and all those bad time - shaped me well. aku bersyukur ke hadrat Allah Taala for everythg He gives me. the good, the bad. i am happy wit wat i am havin now - and i wanna keep it as it is.


dan aku keep berdoa, semoga Allah akan terus membuka pintu hati aku, dan tunjuk kan aku jalan yg benar insyaAllah.


---


so near. yet so far.


---


hav a good day ahead, ppl!








Monday, February 3, 2014

who likes u?













semangat bukan aku nak menaip tetiber. and the best part is - bila aku baca-baca balik, eh.. aku tulis dlm BM. wow. bangga sensorang. the fact is - aku tadak pe sgt pun - cuma aku boring. keje byk, bawak balik pun drama je - haram nak sentuh. esok bawak balik pi ofis.


so, let me ask u dis - who's into u? awak? kamu? ko? anda? korang? hang? kamu semua? kan menarik jikalau ada org jwb sotlan ni, rite away time aku menaip neh. nak plak yg jwb comel mcm Shasha Solero? wait, wtf? saper tu? haih. i mean, mcm Nora Danish perhaps. w'pun ko tak kaya mcm anak menteri yg dia dok berskandal now tu. 


tetiber aku rasa nak share. masa aku skol rendah dulu, petanda yg paling obvious if someone is into u - she'll be looking at u for a period of time. sorok2. sumpah aku akan perasan. eh, tak. sumpah aku akan perasan pandangan minah tu to me - w'pun dia duduk tgkt 3 and ko kat tngkt 1. bila kita buat buat pandang dia, nanti dia akan terkemot-kemot, tersipu2 malu and terus nyorok belakang dinding. or belakang pintu. aku blur blur cicak orang nya - mak selalu ckp mcm tu. mak ckp, selalu buat baik kat org. so, in dis case - aku pun senyum. gila NAIVE. kalo skang, aku buat such - serious kena lempang. and back-hand. back to back. ko tau apa aku rasa time tu? priceless. giler dowh, seronok rasa idup ada secret admirer. hahahaha.. ok. gampang puji diri sendiri.


skol menengah, its was easier. kalo minat, surat sampai. siap ada bedak wangi. ko bukak time pakai suar skol, abes putih suar ko. tp ko tak nyumpah. ko senyum je mcm keldai. serious - kalo minat, surat smpai. SETTLE. mcm kelakar plak aku rasa bila fikir balik bnda2 neh. masa tuisyen dulu, kalo ada org minat, kena ada org tgh, ada org belah kiri, ada org belah kanan. seblm start kelas, mamat tu kena jmpak org tgh dulu kat luar kelas. bukan aku ye mamat tu.. tak de keje. aku biasalah, wingman. LOL. nanti mamat tu dpt surat, dia baca. kemudian masuk kelas bila cikgu masuk, tgh berjalan tu - mamat tu akan kelip mata ke, bg pandangan lembut ke dgn penuh kasih syg ke, to the penerima surat. and ko akan be on the cloud nine, smpai ke mlm. auwwww.. sweet kan? penampar nak? lps tu bila kelas abes, mamat tu dah siap tulis reply, lepas tu kasik surat balas kat org tgh di mana DIA TGH DUDUK SEBELAH MINAH YG KO MINAT TU.. bodo, tak?


demm.. serious gampang.


owh, aku tak lyn sgt masa surat2 cinta time skol neh. jrg aku dpt. sebab aku skol semua lelaki. hahaha.. kalo dpt juga, dr akak2 senior skol sblh. and kalo dapat jugak lah.. haaa.. aku duduk diam2 je lah, since aku takut. hahahaha.. tp masa skol asrama, selalunya - nak tau siapa minat siapa - senang je. modus operandi masih sama - method quite similar like the one i've told u. ada org tgh. senior2 suka lah budak2 junior neh. bkn la pedophile, tp dorg anggap sama lah. plus masing2 dah hit puberty. tiap2 mlm aku terjaga, dgn org tgh (junior lelaki) kena pggl and bg report tiap2 mlm kpd si senior (kwn2 aku LOL). ampeh kan?


"abg bob, dia ckp.. bla bla bla"
"abg joe, dia mmg tadak boifren.. sumpah cakap!"
"abg aril? owh, dia mmg kaya. dia duduk Korea 5 thn"


serious aku ckp - tadak kena mengena antara yg hidup dan yg mati.


semakin meningkat umur, semakin besar ketidakmaluan neh. dah tak main dah surat nyurat neh. dgn kos yg mahal kena support nasik lemak ayam kat bebdk junior yg keje mcm ampeh, tp demand giler - ko lagik rela menjilat setem utk pos surat for mrk yg jauh (long distance relationship katanye) and berdakwat pen yg mahal, esp bg those yg pakai Pilot G2. sumpah rasa handsome abes la dgn dakwat pen yg macho tu. rasa cool nak mampus. and SMS merupakan medium terhebat. tadak la WatsApp Viber Telegram segala mala time tu. eh, tak kan nak ckp texting a fren is considered into u? kena tepat pd situasi nya. sbg contoh, posting wad sama2, bila dlm wad ke, buat la muka poker-face. tp hakikatnya, at the same time ko tgh text smbg about segala mcm under the sun - muka senyum2 tgk Sister wad, tp tgn dlm poket dok SMS. hebat tak?


"nape dtg wad lambat ari ni?"
"nape? ngantuk larr.. bgun lambat. tp dah dlm wad dah neh.."
"oh, sajer je tnya.. bosan la Sister wad neh. perasan chantek.."
"ye ke? haaa.. ko rindu aku eh?"
"agak la.."


KA-CHING! a player seen.


makin lama, makin kentang. dah selalu sgt duduk lepak sama, ok je. tp akan smpai to satu level, ko pyh nak differentiate apa yg benar and such. adakah itu gesture of being a fren, or being more than dat? susah giler nak digest. tp bg aku, ada je jalan penyelesaian. pe susah? dgn example aku yg sentiasa bernas (katanye). katakanlah ada org minat kat aku (ok, ko muntah skang!) lps tu aku kuar dgn saper ntah, jst as a fren. eh, jap. aku rasa pelik giler menaip dgn penuh perasaan. in BM some more. hahahaha.. tukar tukar. katakanlah mamat tdi bukan but its Kim Bun tak pun Jay Park. eh, semua tak kenal. tukar tukar. katakanlah ko kwn baik dgn Taylor Swift. tp ko kuar dgn Jennifer Garner. as a fren je kot. balik dr outing, ko SMS si Taylor Swift, tp dia tak reply. bila jumpak kat ward pun, dia bg ko cold shoulder je. ko lalu tepi dia, dia tak tgk ko pun - tp purak2 senyum dgn kwn ko yg muka sah2 tak siap. ko pun sentip. past tense bg sentap.


mcm ada somethg yg tak kena, Taylor Swift kata nak lupa kan ko. nak jauhkan diri, nak achieve mental stability or state of calmness-lah or watever-lah. and ko pun dok pujuk pujuk, player konon. tanak hilang kwn katanye.. tp dlm ati, pancing. haha.. jap. naper aku bley describe si mamat neh dgn detailed and baik skals? maybe imaginasi aku melampau. and mamat ni tertanya-tnya, pe hal la si Taylor Swift neh?


ladies and gentlemen, if ur bengap enuff - obviously dis Miss Swift is so liking dis mamat-pe-nama-tatau.


kesimpulannya, byk benda korg boleh nampak whether he or she into u or otherwise. becoming a good observer, and a good listener is tremendously crucial. susah? then ko kena la practice lah! how? usha and keep on usha-ing. haha.. usha and usaha. tu je. to be frank, aku menaip ni sebenarnya tanpa berfikir sgt, since apa yg aku nak smpaikan dah lain wit dis title, coz the original thang dah went somewhere else. well, maybe jgk mood aku lain ari neh.


aku ulangi sekali lagi - kisah di atas tadak kena mengena dgn yg idup dan yg mati. or aku myself.


till then.


p/s; kdg2 ko tak realize, dat person who cut ur cards and bakar ur letters r the one who wanted u more than anyone else. confusing enuff? damn. me too.