'scratch my back, and i'll definitely scratch urs'.
and i did it again. i shooo-ed a stdnt out of my class, jst now.
but i hav no regret. it is a learning process tho. u imagine dis - a repeat sem stdnt, masuk sem ni pun after repeat paper nye result yg ala-ala, masuk kelas, duduk belakang. when u teach for years, over the years u will gain some 'abilities' to distinguish stdnt mana yg belajar in ur class, and stdnt mana yg tidak - and dis stdnt is apparently he is not. so aku panggil duduk dpn, rite under my nose.
and the rest of it, is a story.
he came down, hav a sit dpn ko, wit nthg at all. no notes, no buku kecik paper watever not. i asked him nicely 'mana nota awak?' since aku dah bg hands-out awal2 lagi and everybdy is havin it. and he is not. he told me bluntly 'saya tak dpt nota'. while everybdy does. i said - while everybdy does. so aku asked AJK Akademik - did she or not distribute the notes and make sure everybdy hav it, and she said yes.
yet dis boy said he din get the note.
fine. maybe ada communication ke aper2, u never knw. so aku asked him again - nicely, did he or not try his best to go around and get the note. and gez wat? boldly enuff, he said 'tak sempat'. aku bg nota last week, and today ko ckp tak sempat. wat kinda shyte is dat? it got on my nerve, and sebelum aku penampar or apa2 yg worst than dat happen - aku shooo him out of the class. jst like dat. i had my voice raised up, and the whole class went silent for a while. and it left me grittin my teeth in anger.
say watever u want. wait till u in my shoes. ko nak ckp 'owh, ko tak bley mcm tu.. u din do any good.. u din bring any changes' or watever the hell it is, go ahead. ur not in my bloody shoes. so tak pyh nak pretend mcm ko malaikat. as i said - be in my bloody shoes. and u decide. the thg is aku dah highlighted the do's and the dun's in my classes, and they jst hav to follow it well. itu je. and i've told em, if they dun fell like gettin in my class, u dun hav to - for dat shows ur havin some respect - rather than ko masuk kelas, and do shyte. aku tak suka.
i knw benda kecik je tu. i went thru benda ni byk kali dah pun. but i started to realized dat i am losing my grip easily, lately. aku cepat marah, get irritated for even a smallest thang. i am not sure y. or perhaps i do knw y. and i knw i gotta do sthg about dis whole shyte, before it gets too late. sigh.
5hrs of class today.
crashed early semlm. aku left my sport bag, my beg kerja full of thesis, lappy and everythg dlm kereta. and aku lupa kunci kereta. slept by 10pm, by 2am aku dah terjaga. aku rasa serabut, geram, marah, sad. everythg in one. aku kesal since semua org tdo nyenyak yet aku dok kira kambing, wondering aku tak bley tdo and such. tossin up and down, staring into the dark, forcing urself back to sleep - been there, done em all. by 4am aku turun dapur sahur, solat hajat et al, aku lena sekejap alhamdulillah. 6.15am bgun mandi Subuh and off to work.
aku rasa mengantuk, ofkoz. but less Zombie today. cuma aku temper. and dats the flaw. Fina ckp aku looked so serabut dgn jambang etc, and lookin at the mirror tadik baru aku perasan aku look like a Yeti. haih.
a Yeti. and wat the hell is dat?