the thg is, i think i feel into a comfort zone. which is not comfy at all, so it against the comfort zone, yet do we hav a name for it. perhaps, it is a not-so-comfort-zone. ok tak?
u knw u can do better, at first, and u think u jst dun want to. u wait for a perfect timing to to react, to at last doin, so dat ppl wld see u , too. wld score. the timing is perfect as if the stars in the sky align for u, and so u try hard, so hard it intimidates others, so hard ppl expct big thgs from u, so hard.. when u fall, u fall too damn bloody hard, too. it din succeed. it din worked. it was ok for other ppl but u knw u cld do way freakin better than jst dat. yes, u knw. u hav the confidence in urself dat u can bring back the glory days - and once again, be on top.
so u giv urself anthg chance (loosely), jst bcoz u hav the strong-shaky faith u cld do it (again), u try hard, maybe not harder but it still shrinks other ppl's balls. but dis time, in the mid of the road - u sort of givin up, u said, u cant giv up bcoz part of u from the glory days say 'u can do it', part of realistic pessimist u say, 'dis is it, dis is wat u can do, best - dis is comfort, my fren, lets stay ere and let time goes bcoz we knw we can do it, till ere, no more no less..'
ur breakin apart, obviously. u dunno wat u want anymore, each of ur parts giv out logic and considerations, and every logic and considerations from each part cancels the one another, and now it is time to decide dat if u really, really cld work for it to succeed. the deeper u, soul we love to call it, hold strongly to the basis of wat makes u, u.. and dat is the dream of which the pessimist part of u said, 'u can do it mediocrely', and the unrealistic part of u dat said 'hell yeah we cld rock dis, we cld rock dis thgs till their mind blows'.
but those mind blow at the end? me and u.
ur soul, has no say in dis. all he does is hangin and holdin to ur basis, watever it maybe. every cell and tissued in ur body says, you, altho one part is pessimist and another one is unrealistic, can do it, they go in the same direction only on the scale of how far wld u go, they hav doubt in. they waited for u to move ur arse and start reacting, start deciding - but u dun. u let the time flies, u sleep wit ur eyes open, u go each day like it was all a dream and someday, some fcukin day - u wld wake up and dis all jst go away. jst like dat.
and u cld back to the life u always imagine, life in rainbows. clouds. of sun and chirping birds. of happiness and no worries. life in which each of ur step wont make u fall, each of ur mistake wont haunt u. at all.
yet u cant do it. u somehow refused, no not refused - u just.. stuck. u cant wake up bcoz u r too deep in slumber, u cant go back, u also cant move forwards, bcoz u knw it wont be pretty any more. and u jst stuck.