Wednesday, July 30, 2014

30/7/2012 - 30/7/2014.

slept early last nite, thus by 4am aku dah wide awake. i knw i cldve go back to sleep - coz i always do - but dis time around, i jst cant. perhaps i crashed early last nite. way darn early.

or perhaps it is somethg else.

i was wondering why and how to go back to sleep - and i was wondering y i cant. its awal giler lagik kot. its cold. and senyap sunyi. my mind goes all over places, and i dun hav anythg really bothering me at time. i jst wanna go back to sleep, s dat i cld wake up on time for Subuh. but since i cant - aku turun amek wuduk and do wat i shld be doin. awal lagi, serious. and bein out of ur own place, wake up darn early not knwing wat to do - is the last thg i wanna go thru, seriously.

i was there tunggu Subuh when i suddenly teringat pasal pak teh and family. shyte they've gone thru and such. and how mak rungsing dgn nasib the whole fmly (pak teh is abg mak btw), their anak sulung and such - and aku teringat yg hari ni 30/7 - pak teh dah setahun tinggal kan kami.

and pak teh is sharing the same date dgn abah - cuma selang setahun saja.

and thus, aku teringat kat abah. 30/7/2012. abah left us. dah 2 tahun now. and suddenly aku feel numb. dah 2 tahun..

it feels like yesterday. dah 2 tahun now, today. theres so many thgs in me - i wanna let abah knw. i shldve told him earlier while he was still sihat and sound. while he still can understand thgs better. i want him to knw dat aku syg dia, aku care for him. we hardly communicate - w'pun aku anak sulung. tp we never fight. aku tak pernah go against him, sepjg ingatan aku. cuma we hardly communicate. and aku leby suke bersifat passive aggressive towards him. tp aku tak pernah tinggi suara or bergaduh dgn abah. aku lagi selesa berinteraksi dgn mak. thus - aku missed telling him thgs, sharing wit him thgs like other sons sharing thgs about life et al, wit their own fathers. he never told me dat he loves me - tho aku tau he did. and aku too, pyh nak tell him so. plg intimate wld only time abah's birthday, dat aku and adik2 wld jst go wished him and tell him, 'sayang abah'.

and i wonder if he ever knew dat aku, and the rest of us - syg him wit no words cld portray.

few months sblm abah meninggal, kami gilir2 jaga abah. aku remember how tensed it was for me. the conflict in me and such. but i believe i did my best, and for dat - i hav no regret. i did try my best telling him how aku syg abah, how aku really care and aku keep mintak maaf every now and then dr abah. but then - abah not really himself anynmore, the growth in his brain has completely changed him, and he changed completely.. each time aku told him so - he'd stared into my eyes, blankly. sometimes he'd jst smiled away, and i never stop to wonder if he ever understand wat i've told him. 

sometimes abah usap kepala aku and kept saying, 'abah doakan semua hangpa selamat dunia akhirat', again and again. wit those words 'Allahuakbar', tak putus2 dr mulut abah. and each time he did dat, each time he said dat - i'd break down and cry. 

now dat abah no longer around. physically. but he is, still - in everyone of us. in me. in adik2 aku. aku carry dat feeling around, dat abah is in me - wit proud and dignity. tho theres many q's left wit no answer - tak pe lah. aku believe abah tau. for each time after solat, aku doakan abah. and aku doakan agar abah tau apa yg aku rasa towards him, and one day - kami sekeluarga akan kembali bersama, like we used to.

so - kalo ko syg someone, care for someone - let em knw. put it into words, and let em knw. buat la mcmana pun - but u gotta say it out, let em knw. aku tau, action speaks louder than words, tp sometimes - putting thgs into words wld make thgs different - more than apa yg ko dpt gmbrkan. kick off ur ego, for it wont help. w'pun the other person tak bgtau ko yg dia syg ko, theres no harm for u to do so. say it out. do it now. every now and there, so dat one day - ko tak kan nyesal. and left behind wit all those unnecessary questions.

jst like how aku feel now.

abah - along syg abah. and i will always do.

al fatihah.

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