Tuesday, July 8, 2014

2yrs now.








10th Ramadhan.


been days since i gotta sleep well. balik terawih, switched of the phone, get it charged, hit the sack - and it took like forever to get the eyes closed. and my mind - it seems like i cant even 'shut it down' even for a while. by sahur - aku dah felt so tired, malas nak bangun and such. 


and pagi ni mak hav to like 'drag' me out of the coach and hav sthg. 'at least minum, amek sunat' as she said.


too many thgs in mind. work, future. life. the past. i am taking it easy, as dats the way it is, but everynow and then - i'd get myself 'derailed' and jadi mcm neh.


10 Ramadhan. genap 2 tahun abah pergi. every details, everythg - still in mind. mcmana at midnite kami berkumpul adk bradik around abah, how kami adik beradik takin turns bisik kat telinga abah kalimah syahadah - tho i knw those words never lekang dr bibir abah -  and how sayu the whole ward was by the time abah left us for good. and how tenang mak was, tho air mata tak henti2 running down her checks. 


and how aku torn into pieces, not knowing how to react, wat to do. being an elder bro., when everythg - like everythg; was on him. 


been 2 yrs now. and i keep on writing dis, again and again. i knw u mght say dat i need to move on, and theres nthg dat i can do wit the whole thang, i knw. and the fact is - i am still trying. i gez all of us, the whole family - we r still tryin. and forgive me, if u hate all dis. while all my sisters and brothers they knew how to let it out in words and share among us - i jst cant. they'll ask me if i was ok and if theres nthg bothers me at all - they din knw how mess it is in me, for me. and all i can do is - venting it out in ere, and i'll feel better.


and ari ni jugak - Soleh dpt interview for work. first formal interview after he was done wit his study. the whole nite i saw him doin some home work, reading dis and dat. and he has been keepin thgs to himself sejak mlm tadi. maybe he needs some space, as much as i do. and as his big brother - aku rasa aku dah contribute the best i can for him. harap2 he'll do the best and get wat he wants in life.


i feel lousy. malas and tadak mood. aku ada Taklimat Subjek at 11am, and jadah pun aku tak buat lagik.


sigh.


alfatihah, buat abah.




















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