Wednesday, July 30, 2014

30/7/2012 - 30/7/2014.

slept early last nite, thus by 4am aku dah wide awake. i knw i cldve go back to sleep - coz i always do - but dis time around, i jst cant. perhaps i crashed early last nite. way darn early.

or perhaps it is somethg else.

i was wondering why and how to go back to sleep - and i was wondering y i cant. its awal giler lagik kot. its cold. and senyap sunyi. my mind goes all over places, and i dun hav anythg really bothering me at time. i jst wanna go back to sleep, s dat i cld wake up on time for Subuh. but since i cant - aku turun amek wuduk and do wat i shld be doin. awal lagi, serious. and bein out of ur own place, wake up darn early not knwing wat to do - is the last thg i wanna go thru, seriously.

i was there tunggu Subuh when i suddenly teringat pasal pak teh and family. shyte they've gone thru and such. and how mak rungsing dgn nasib the whole fmly (pak teh is abg mak btw), their anak sulung and such - and aku teringat yg hari ni 30/7 - pak teh dah setahun tinggal kan kami.

and pak teh is sharing the same date dgn abah - cuma selang setahun saja.

and thus, aku teringat kat abah. 30/7/2012. abah left us. dah 2 tahun now. and suddenly aku feel numb. dah 2 tahun..

it feels like yesterday. dah 2 tahun now, today. theres so many thgs in me - i wanna let abah knw. i shldve told him earlier while he was still sihat and sound. while he still can understand thgs better. i want him to knw dat aku syg dia, aku care for him. we hardly communicate - w'pun aku anak sulung. tp we never fight. aku tak pernah go against him, sepjg ingatan aku. cuma we hardly communicate. and aku leby suke bersifat passive aggressive towards him. tp aku tak pernah tinggi suara or bergaduh dgn abah. aku lagi selesa berinteraksi dgn mak. thus - aku missed telling him thgs, sharing wit him thgs like other sons sharing thgs about life et al, wit their own fathers. he never told me dat he loves me - tho aku tau he did. and aku too, pyh nak tell him so. plg intimate wld only time abah's birthday, dat aku and adik2 wld jst go wished him and tell him, 'sayang abah'.

and i wonder if he ever knew dat aku, and the rest of us - syg him wit no words cld portray.

few months sblm abah meninggal, kami gilir2 jaga abah. aku remember how tensed it was for me. the conflict in me and such. but i believe i did my best, and for dat - i hav no regret. i did try my best telling him how aku syg abah, how aku really care and aku keep mintak maaf every now and then dr abah. but then - abah not really himself anynmore, the growth in his brain has completely changed him, and he changed completely.. each time aku told him so - he'd stared into my eyes, blankly. sometimes he'd jst smiled away, and i never stop to wonder if he ever understand wat i've told him. 

sometimes abah usap kepala aku and kept saying, 'abah doakan semua hangpa selamat dunia akhirat', again and again. wit those words 'Allahuakbar', tak putus2 dr mulut abah. and each time he did dat, each time he said dat - i'd break down and cry. 

now dat abah no longer around. physically. but he is, still - in everyone of us. in me. in adik2 aku. aku carry dat feeling around, dat abah is in me - wit proud and dignity. tho theres many q's left wit no answer - tak pe lah. aku believe abah tau. for each time after solat, aku doakan abah. and aku doakan agar abah tau apa yg aku rasa towards him, and one day - kami sekeluarga akan kembali bersama, like we used to.

so - kalo ko syg someone, care for someone - let em knw. put it into words, and let em knw. buat la mcmana pun - but u gotta say it out, let em knw. aku tau, action speaks louder than words, tp sometimes - putting thgs into words wld make thgs different - more than apa yg ko dpt gmbrkan. kick off ur ego, for it wont help. w'pun the other person tak bgtau ko yg dia syg ko, theres no harm for u to do so. say it out. do it now. every now and there, so dat one day - ko tak kan nyesal. and left behind wit all those unnecessary questions.

jst like how aku feel now.

abah - along syg abah. and i will always do.

al fatihah.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Salam Eid ul Fitr!

wat a hari raya means to u? some ppl thk its jst anther day u hav to go thru. some ppl thk the other way arnd. the fact is, however and wat ever u thk it is, i believe its how u see it, how it means to u and how the past shapes u.

i believe hari raya its more than jst bju baru, kueh mueh and all those clichè miskin kaya b'gembira - as u mght listen to all those lagu raya. for me - its the fmly come first - the get together, and saling maaf memaafi - bkn thru WhatsApp or SMS, but thru those conventional wat dat is.

dr kecik abh didik us to wake up early, mandi sunat hari raya, solat Subuh b'jemaah, b'takbir raya bersama-sama and finally salam wit one anther, there and there. dr mak, aku, angah, abg cik, kak yang, Soleh, the fmly and the whole minimonsters.

aku dah breakfast. dah siap2 pun. tgh tggu abg ngah, cik et al for solat hari raya.

plan raya? ikut mak lah. bg aku, raya aku will complete real soon, after m'lwt kubur abah. i hav mak, adk2 aku and the rest of the fmly members, and i dun wanna ask for more.

3thn abh not arnd for hari raya. he is not, physically i knw. but he is - in everyone of us. and dats for sure. selamat hari raya, abh.

gtg. be bck jap lagi. before aku stop, maafkan aku zahir dan batin.

Salam Eid ul Fitr Mubarak, guys!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

oo oo oppah kau.

finally i made up my mind. i am in love wit Alcatel One Touch Hero - aku bru je guna like 5mths - but dis Oppo Find 7 changed my mind. i need to change and move on. hahaha.. for the price whch bg aku.. ok la, and yet aku puas ati.

so smlm, after teraweh, aku ciwi nak mamps. byk giler features best2! tak abes ciwi, peh sahur smbg lg. skang aku dlm feri wit rasa ngantok and dat zombie-ness in me.

ok. feri dah jalan. gotta go. be bck later.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014


ok. aku admit - i'm bored. rasa pjg sgt la plak ari neh. i hav a lot of thgs to say, tp t'lalu mls utk fikir mende2 neh. lantak lah. 

owh, lets do dis. lama dah aku nak answer the below.

  • wld u be able to date someone who doesnt make u laugh? yes. then i'll kill dat person.. :-P
  • wat do u wanna be when u grow up? soalan mende neh? i am a grown up alrdy. next!
  • wat do u currently hear right now? Metallica - Enter Sandman. lama tak dgr lagu ni doe!
  • when was the last time u laughed really hard about somethg? semlm, during iftar. wit all the stdnts and the big shots. no, aku tipu. gelak plastik dat it. erm, watching The Nanny on the YouTube. priceless!
  • do u regret doin anythg dis week? no. aku regret not doin sthg in fact.
  • wat did u do last nite? last nite? balik iftar, mandi, solat and tdo!
  • do u think u cld ever decide on a tatoo design if u choose to get one? no. i am not. tatoo is hot. but i cant decide on wat.
  • wat r u doin at 3pm trow? kelas. dgn budak2 farmasi Sem 3. they r fun, and i cant wait. yes, seriously.
  • when is ur birthday? 31st JANUARY. its cap. so..
  • wld u rather watch football or baseball? neither. 
  • ir ur heart broken rite now? nope. closely intact. my heart made of steel. katanye.
  • do u hav a trust issues? massively.
  • do u play video game? yes. only Mario and nthg else.
  • ru wearing makeup? ko giler ke aper? err, wait. if i say yes, wat wld u think?
  • wats on ur mind most today? wats for berbuka. i am a human being and i deserved to be treated like one. wats for berbuka. wats for berbuka. heh.
  • wat ru doin for the next b'day? nthg.
  • do u plan on moving next year? moving? ko nak pi mana? Putrajaya? haha
  • wats ur fav season? raining season. i love raining season, but i hate to stay outdoor when it does. aku tak suka kaki aku lembap. and kasut aku basah as well.
  • do u find the opposite sex confusing? no. observe em closely and u'll understand. they r a maze wit arrow direction.
  • do u ever keep arguing even when u knw ur wrong? yes. and no. yes if the person i really hate -darn i wont giv up, tho theres no hope! no - if its a fren of mine.
  • do u miss anyone? and i am a miss world. ok, itu over. yes, i am!
  • do u hav anythg in ur pockets right now? my boxer has no pocket. so nak jwb mcmana?
  • ru comfortable wit answering personal q's? no. no matter who askin, jst stay out of it. owh, especially kalo ko baru on my fren list for example - dun even think of askin any. aku tak suka. i think its kinda rude. 
  • do u believe exes can really ever be "jst frens"? no. if the exes r plastics.
  • wat do the majority of ppl in ur life call u? fmly? they call me 'Izam'. or along. frens? 'Shah'.
  • if ur parents din like the person ur dating, wld u lose em? no. screw em.
  • wat was the last drink u had? Vitagen. original flavour.
  • do u think someone is thinkin about u rite now? me? no.
  • wats the time is it? 1.50pm
  • it is ok for guys to wear pink? yes. only sexy guys wear pink. i mean, it depends. some can totally bring the colors. some jst foolin emselves.. :-P
  • do u cry and throw a fit until u get ur own say? y? no! heh.
  • how many windows r open on ur computer now? 6.
  • do u like hugs? yes. very much. its a public dry humpin. whoever dun want dat? haha
  • ru afraid to fall in love? no. i believe if i do, i cna steer outta the way.. or so i think.
  • do u like bonfires? now wtf is dat?
  • how many pills did u take yesterday? 8.
  • wats somethg u really want, rite now? be honest. a new smartphone. baju keje. suar keje baru.
  • does anythg hurt on ur body? huh?
  • ru goin anywhere for a break? ermm
  • is there ever a spring break over here? spring break? jadah. 
  • do u think 'wat if' about anythg? wat if's teach us everythg, kan?
  • has anyone called u perfect before? no. haha.. i duns ee any reason anyone shld.
  • do u or hav u ever worn glassess? yes. i hav 3 glasses actually, and i hate em all. rasa mcm nerd giler pakai spek.
  • how serious r ur feelings for the person u like? pass..
  • hav u ever met a gay person? yes. they r ppl btw. jst like u and me. so wat the heck.
  • last three texts on ur phone r from? kak ngah, a stdnt of mine. Astro.
  • wats somethg ur excited about right now? nthg. and i love it dis way.
  • how long hav u been at ur current job? 15yrs now.
  • hav u ever been in a long distance r'ship? yes.
  • r u talkactive? quite, wit the right ppl..
  • who ru talkin to right now? myself.
  • ru currently frustrated wit someone? yes.
  • wld u ever consider piercing ur lip? YES. ha ha. snake bite, so cool! i'd settle wit clip ons. ada ke? where can i get one eh? heh.
  • has anyone ever hung up on u? ramai..  :-(
  • do u hav unlimited texting? way past zaman2 rajin mesej2 neh.. but i do WhatsApp. but no WeChat, tq.
  • do u hav any piercing? no.
  • ru happy rite now? now? euthymic je kot.
  • who were u wit at 8pm last nite? the stdnts. the big shots.

phew. finally i am done! 

mandi jom.


17 Ramadhan.

i am still in bed. its a public holiday anyway - Nuzul Quran. i hav no plan. i jst wanna stay in and keep thgs to myself. for trow dat start keje balik, and i'll be on the fast track as usual. esok classes, Khamis Pangkor again. 

had nthg in mind. i am havin my stereo playin the 80's/90's, and my tab doin dis thang. its about noon i knw, kejap2 lagi lah aku outta bed, Zohor terus. i am havin like sebakul kain for a laundry, and i'll doin it soon. and a bundle of case-clerking to mark. itu pun kejap lagi lah. for the time bein - aku jst nak lepak in the crib, and do nthg. say awat u want - for i hardly hav time like dis, nowadays.

btw - these r the pics of majlis iftar semlm, dgn stdnts pengkhususan psy. nursing july 2013. lepas group Nazmir - budak2 ni lah. wit em, aku tak de pe sgt. tak mcm group Nazmir. cuma one thg aku akan ingat smpai bila2 is the the time bila aku mengamuk to the max dlm kelas dorng neh - since masing2 degil, tak dgr ckp, tak hormat my senior lect., sampai Mim (dat senior lect.) dtg kat aku menangis2. aku masuk kelas dorg, aku sound cukup2, and aku blah. lantak la dorg lagi tua dr aku ke aper.

thus smlm - aku mintak maaf. not my intention pun. but someone had to do dat. and i did. and they did change. ok la. apa lg ko nak?

so smlm - i had a good meal. we were havin the iftar kat Hydramout. nasik arab dowh, my fav. tp since all the big shots were there, aku agak terkawal la sket. mkn pun tunduk tgk pinggan. duduk sebelah Pengarah, doe! heh.

ended up aku balik rumah, rasa still lapar. hahaha

the buffet, for Ramadhan
ok la kot.. 

the stdnts. and Puan Fatimah
aka Timah yg tongkak dagu tu..

Timb. Pengarah Kursus Pengkhususan, Puan Ng. 
Puan Heyma sebelah dia. yg tak nampak
muka ni aku tak ingat.

tak penting pun.

Timb. Pengarah HEP, Mr Yong. 
and his wifey Matron Maggie.

Puan Mim, my senior on ur left.

err, the Pengarah himself.
Tuan Hj Moideen.

kalo berbuka masik arab lagik ptg ni, aci tak? hahaha

kinda heart?

i wonder, if u broke a heart one too many times, how long will it take to mend?

wat if it was like a ceramic heart, will it ever be the same again? or is it jst like a mug which fell off the table and gained a new crack each time? theres only so much cracks a mug can take before it loses the ability to hold water. only so much a broken heart can take before it starts to leak. wat goes in the broken ceramic heart, will always leaks out. theres hardly anythg left for u after a while.

wat if it was a glass heart, once broken, considered thrown.

wat if it was a paper heart? u can cut it out anytime. anytime, at all. when ur done, u can glue it on again. but it'll never be placed properly, it'll always be a lil bit off.

wat if it was a rubber heart? u can try to break it many times, but it feels nthg. its not even biodegradable. its jst out there, it doesnt expect, jst hopes. it also cant love u back. coz its bounce.

the plastic heart at one time has been a ceramic heart, a glass heart, a paper heart of a rubber heart. but cynicism has muted it into becoming plastic.

ah, wat kinda heart do u hav?

Monday, July 14, 2014


Warning Sign;

nthg really matters.

ur so young when ur born, when ur taught dat nthg matters.

and dats the first thg ppl will take from u - bcoz wat else hurts more than wat matters? and we need to hurt one another when we r young to find out if we r made of anythg besides flesh and bone, if we r made of anythg dat really matters.

and failure becomes unimportant, when u approach it all, as sthg dat doesnt matter. but - everythg is unimportant, when nthg matters.

and i hope one day u find sthg dat still matters.



Sunday, July 13, 2014

thgs i cld do.

15 Ramadhan.

at some point along the time - u'll tell urself a lie.

u'll say dat ur not as good as anythg as ur once were. and even tho u knw its a lie, its hard not to believe urself, when the only thg u've gotten better at - is tellin the time, between then and now.


selamat berbuka puasa.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

pasif? agresif?

salah satu perkara yg ramai org (termasuk aku, ofkoz) suka buat ialah express rasa tidak puas hati aku bengang (or bengkek as Haziq said kat aku jst now) terhdp anybody melalui mana2 medium social network mcm FaceBook, Twitter etc. bila fkr balik, aku sedar yg perangai ini agak bodoh, dan pointless. aku tau - aku did dat like every morn time pi kerja - and now i am admitting it. ko mampu admit? tak mampu and mls nak mengaku - ko diam. since aku sedar wat i did. gtew. 

bila ko upsome status mcm tu, kwn2 ko plak comment like, "haha.. aku pun pernah kena mcm ni dowh!" or "yeah, u go gal!" - ok, yg u go gal ni over sket. dis is those yg otak senget, sekepala dgn aku lah. hahaha.. lepas tu berbelas2 komen meluahkan perasaan benci kat dat manusia and 'menyokong' keberanian ko. mengapi-api kan ko. apa yg ko dpt sebenarnya? dpt tunjuk berani dpn org? 

shyte. aku rasa insaf giler.

jenis-jenis status pasif agresif -

  • "hoi AHV****, kaw mmg pemandu babiey leww, kalay aq jumper kaw lagi, siap la!! dah lew amek setgh jam nak parking.. kw ingat akew x dew kejew kewww?"

ok. serious babi. muka2 ko tulis kat FB or Twitter. mmg la ko berani tulis number plate dia kan, since ko tau dia tak de dlm fren list ko. motep? bukan dia dpt baca pun! 

  • "kpd Jejaka Melayu Terakhir (ofkoz bukan nama sebenar), aku dpt fb msg ko tnya pesal aku tak approve ko lagi, fren list aku full, bodoh. full. ko faham ke tak bangang??"

serious aku pernah tgk status mcm ni. sekali tgk ko rasa gerun. perkh. ni retis ke mende? nampak sgt gempak! dia actually sebut nama mamat tu dlm FB dia, mmg lah ko berani, pasal dia tak boleh view status ko. aku rasa sebut nama ni agak over la kot, pasal number plate maybe tak pe la sgt - sah2 org mls nak cari - tp nama org bole search je kot. pastu tak aci lah kan mamat tu tak bley defend diri dia sendiri ebab dia bukan dlm fren list ko. skang ko tgk - sape yg bangang? lagi satu - asal kena up status? reply je lah thru inbox je tak bley ke?

err, aku rasa aku tak pernah buat status mcm ni kot. hahaha

  • "tak fhm knp ada manusia yg suka membazir mkn ketika berbuka puasa.. cuba fikirkan kanak-kanak yg kebuluran.. sesungguhnya Allah bencikan pembaziran.."

sekali baca mcm innocent kan? mcm nasihat. tarbiah or general statement. tp cuba kalo taktik ni digunakan utk sound s'one bila tgh bengang. mcm ko ada kwn dlm group tu mmg tak reti nak abes kan mknan time berbuka, semua org tau. semua org notice. pastu satu hari ko bengkek dgn dia and trus buat status mcm tu. semua org tau ko direct kat dia, dammit dia pun tay, kwn2 ko pun tau. tinggal ko je tak sebut yg ko direct status tu kat dia. tp kalo dia balas balik nanti org kata dia gelabah. tmbh lg ramai org yg unsuspecting pergi bodo click "like" kat status ko tu. sebab diorg ingat status ko mmg nasihat mcm mak ko dok nasihat ko tiap2 ari. padahal niat ko longkang and tak murni langsung.

agak kejam kan? pedih siak kalo jadi mangsa status mcm tu. haih, aku pun byk kali kena mcm tu. w'pun nama aku tadak la kat mana2 status. tp, yg aku plak yg terlbey emo pesal? hahaha dah la ko kena judged, ko tak react pun kena judged jugak.    

ckp pasal perli dlm nasihat ni, korang tak rasa pointless ke? aku rasa kalo ko nak nasihatkan org and expect dia berubah, ko tak kan nasihat dia sambil perli2. ko makan ke nasihat kalo dah kena kutuk? mmg tak aarrr.. imagine;

"knp ada org yg suka belanja beratus-ratus utk beli baju while duit tu bley bantu rakyat Palestin? dah la selfish, boros plak tu.."

ko ingat lps org baca status ko tu, dia nak kata, "owh, selama ini aku mmg tersgt boros. mulai skang aku tak kan belanja beratus-ratus lagi utk baju. aku akan derma ke Palestin, skang jugak!!" mcm tu?

ye la sgt. most likely ko akan dpt responce mcm ni, "ko sibuk pesal? bukan duit bapak ko pun! suka ati aku lar nak beli baju je, amoi jual baju ke.. suka suki je panggil aku selfish. ko tu ntah derma ke idak utk Palestin, kecoh nak mamps!".


well, saper la aku utk judge kan? aku sendiri manusia pasi agresif yg kronik. merampus mcm nak mampu tiap pagi dlm kete time pi keje. geram2 aku vent out kat FB and Twitter. and honestly aku ckp, entry aku neh tak de pun nak ngumpat ke, judge or apa2 pun, saja aku nak release kemarahan aku mkm dlm entri aku kutuk senior aku yg mcm gampang. dlm ati aku mmg mcm ni je..;

u made me go thru hell. nah, skang rasai! tgk org yg komen. semua org benci org mcm ko! aku harap ko tersentip, bodo. huh!

mcm la org tu baca blog aku pun kan? honestly aku mmg fikir nak release kemarahan je masa buat entry dulu2 tu, tad de pun dlm ati aku terfikir, "harap ko berubah lah selepas ini..". serious mmg tak.


"peduli apa aku ko nak berubah ke tak. ur not my problem anymore. and ko bley bla!". hohoho

aku mmg tak matang dulu. skang pun tak le matang mana sgt. tapi ada la improvement sket.

aku rasa mmg most of Malaysian mcm aku, sbeb mmg ramai org buat status tak puas ati or kutuk org secara subtle supaya identity yg di kutuk tidak di ketahui.

dammit, we r a repressed society.


ko rasa aku agresif now? amybe. since aku lapar. lagik 2jam nak berbuka. ok. PaRam, time. mininyets dah goncang pintu aku mcm nak roboh. haih!!

Friday, July 11, 2014


wat is 'reality' to u?

Piaget said dat knk2 slowly berhenti ber-egocentric sekitar umur 7thn dan mula terima pendpt org, faham akan realiti - bhw mungkin realiti berbeza drp apa yg mrk bersedia utk terima. 

aku tatau bila aku start btol2 fhm bhw realiti aku akan berlainan drp org lain. even drp those yg ada around me. yg pasti, bkn 7yo la kot. maybe more than dat. i mean - aku tahu around the globe ada perang, ada yg kebulur, fakir miskin etc. tp aku tak fhm pasal realiti dorg.

last yr, aku tlg a fren edit a complilation book ttg cerita2 drp penduduk di Palestin. kebtolan aku managed to knw dis gal - Rawan, 19yo - thru a fren yg study sama dgn aku. she was 19, and dah pernah dgr all the drones and bom-bom meletup kiri kanan dpn blkg her house, and dat was a normal thg for her. it was a usual thang for her to watch her frens, jiran-jiran die or severely injured. despite all dat - dia masih excel in her study. she looked like any other hijabi in UK (bkn our hijabi). u cldnt even tell dat she's gone thru all kinda shyte. thru biasiswa yg dia dpt, she managed to further her study and escape Palestin for a while. but then - Palestin was still her reality.

and aku kenal her thru a fren yg aktif dlm kerja-kerja charity terhpd Palestin. tp aku kena admit - aku rasa sgt annoyed bila dia describe Rawan sebg seorg yg 'pelik' sbb she was kinda gal yg pendiam dan tak suka bersosial. sebab kalo ko fhm realiti a person yg pernah went thru semua jenis trauma tu, ko akan fhm knp dia 'pelik'

btol ke dia pelik? mgkin bg dia, ko yg pelik.

aku pernah came across on a laporan from a penyelidik ttg bdk2 fromTrobriand Islands yg sgt miskin smpai pi skol, pakai pensil yg diikat dgn tali and make it mcm rantai - so dat pensil dorg tak kena curi. punya lah dorg value pensil tu. aku akan ingat smpai bila2 report tu - smpai tercekik-cekik nak menulis sbb pensil tu makin lama makin pendek, after like berkali-kali kena asah. peliknya realiti aku berbanding dgn realiti dorg. aku dulu pensil bersepah2. siap pakai pensil picit.

maybe ko pernah came across bdk2 yg pendiam. tak bercampur dgn org. or for some reason, bdk yg tak mcm bdk2 lain. jadi dia kena ejek and kena buli. bg bdk2, being 'different' is suatu kesalahan. masalahnya, bila dah tua bangka - masih ada org yg fikir being different is a crime. unless different ko tu rite kinda different. dat cool kinda different. tp tak ramai org fhm, kdg2 ada sebab org lain tu lain drp org lain.kita tatau apa dia lalu kat rmh. dorg nyer inner struggles. apa yg kita buat, kita judge and kita cop kat dahi dorg, as 'pelik'.

maybe parents dia dera dia. maybe tiap2 mlm kena tlg bapak dia jual burger. maybe kena rogol dgn tok wan dia, mana ko tau? mgkin dia di lahirkan sbg sociopath. atau battling dyslexia. who knws? ko tau? kdg2 hidup kita terlalu normal (katanya) smpai tak bley nak byg kehidupan org lain yg tak normal.

sbb tu aku believe in bercampur dgn semua jenis manusia. kalo ko enggan, ko do some readin on it. sbb bila selesa and terbiasa sgt dgn realiti sendiri yg sebenarnya terhad giler, ko akan hilang perspektif. jadi jumud. bodoh. tak berkembang. unintentionally, ko jadi tak bertimbangrasa. terlps ckp benda yg boleh menyinggung perasaan org lain. ko jadi egocentric. just like kanak-kanak. ko rasa dunia ni evolve sekitar ko je. ko tak fikir dunia and perasaan org lain.

aku dah tak dpt kira brp kali aku jumpak org yg ingat semua org akan fikir mcm dorg, pastu pelik bila org lain tak dpt fikir mcm dorang. serious aku sdey dgn org2 mcm ni. ko nak semua org fikir mcm ko ke? bosan giler! jenis org yg ingat semua org nak benda yg sama. org yg ingat cara dia je btol. cara org lain tak btol. pelik.

contohnya, org yg ingat semua org nak jadi kaya, famous atau ada pasangan yg good looking - lps tu judge others on wat they own. sebg s'one yg tak pakai smartphone smpai umur aku 32, dulu aku mmg muak kena judge sbb benda yg aku tak de. trust me, bkn semua org nak benda yg sama. ada org umur 60-an pun tak fhm benda neh. dan aku dah jumpak byk sgt org yg complain pasal org lain 'pelik'. tak serupa org lain. too 'lone ranger'. too 'social'. too dis. too dat. semuanya berasaskan sbb kita rasa cara kita sendiri yg paling btol, dan semua org mesti nak apa yg kita nak. and buat jst exactly mcm apa yg kita buat. tp realiti ko blum tentu sama dgn realiti org lain.

we hav to accept dat we r from different backgrounds and experiences, and wit different needs and wants. dat we actually live in our own lil world, far removed from the reality of others.

ok. pe je yg aku merepek neh. pjg siak. dlm BM plak tu.. erm, bangga jap.

Thursday, July 10, 2014


Don't Let It Break Your Heart,

in a nutshell.

aku tak de kelas hari ni. yet i dun feel like driving up to Pangkor do the clinical teaching. so aku decided to finish up pencerapan kelas staf-staf bwh jagaan aku je ari ni. so i was havin like 2 hrs of observing P&P ari ni. pagi, and after lunch break. the verdict? aku mengantuk giler. duduk belakang sorg2 and do nthg except observe teaching methodology et al. 

and jst now - aku duduk dlm 45mins je. kelas tak five, aku pun blah. ngantuk giler dowh!

and around 10.30am dis morn., aku managed to sneak out pi tgk stdnt2 aku kat HBUK - for some clinical teaching, bed-side teaching dll. aparently dorg mmg dok expect any lect to come popping in. had a good time there wit the stdnts, the patients as well. 2 hrs there, by noon, aku balik ofc. 

i managed to do some marking as well. sebenarnya tak lar urgent mana - tp to fill up the gap and kill some time - i hav to hav sthg to do. or else, i'd havin my brain wonderin and thinkin about a lot of bulshyte kinda thang. aku penat, seriously.

supposedly ada plan berbuka puasa wit stdnt2 postbsc hari ni kat Hydramaut - kedai mkn tok Arab kat Ipoh, tp dorg call ckp postponed to next Monday.  bagus lah. aku pun tadak mood ari neh. mls nak go bersosial and berbaik2 dgn manusia lain. i jst wanna keep thgs to myself, and find some inner peace in it. 

tazkirah Zohor hari ni. as usual lah, tiap Isnin dan Khamis. aku ada masa and ruang - so aku walked a bit to surau and spent some time there. its a good food for soul, really. tak sabar rasanya nak balik hav some rest, berbuka, off for terawih and balik crashing as usual. rutin aku bulan Ramadhan. kinda monotonous, but i like it. 

owh, btw - Anak Mr Ismail Edi (kembar, tp pre-matured) meninggal dunia dis early morning. he had em both well before he lost the first one after like on the 3rd of delivery, and tinggal sorg ni dlm incubator since pre-matured, and tak cukup berat bdn. after like 3 months struggling for a life - the baby left for good. and dis kwn of mine lost both of the baby. just imagine how it is.

no. i cant imagine how it is. the pain and such - beyond words. 

i gez dats the way life is. ppl come, ppl go. nothg last forever. thgs change, and its inevitable. u cant run from it, thgs change. ppl left. ppl change. and nthg stays the same.

hav a good Iftar, everybdy.

insecurity? dun shyte on me.

we all hav insecurities about sthg at one point or another in our lives. everyone feels insecure at times, but some r better at managing em while others wear em on their sleeve for all to see. 

i hav em as well. a lot of it, in fact. i manage to secure my insecurities s'time, tp kdg2 - i jst cant help it. i believe in finding it, go thru it, and deal wit it. sometime it works, sometime - it aint. but i knw i am improving well. at least.

havin insecurities doesnt mean ur lacking. but to put ur insecurities, twist it around and let other ppl feels the flaws, incomplete and live life in deep shyte - dat is s'thg else. for its ur own insecurities - it wldnt be fair for u to drag others in and feel the shitty feelin. it wont help. thgs gonna get worst and by the time u realize it - its way too late dah pun.

easy to say, coz the fact is i am too, struggling wit mine. and i bet u too. 

so i get the best way is to knw wat it is, look around for solution, and deal wit it la kot.

coz if u use ur own securities and twist it around, make other ppls' lives miserable - i gez dat aint good la kan.. eh?

heh. tak tau le mende yg aku merepek neh.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

7-1? owh! really??? OMG!!!

ko tgk bola semlm? eh, aku tgk larr! Jerman menang sial!! wow, ko tgk? seriously? 

sorry. i was just kiddin. i aint a fan. u shld knw by now. i do knw thgs and the results a bit ere and there, but to stay up and come to work like a Zombie (or even get caught red handed tido kat meja dpn komputer di ofis), heh - i wont be doin dat God sake. i mean - yeah, if u do stay up for it - its ur choice. and i am glad. but if u ask me if i am - sorry, i am not. 

i'd rather catch the results on the net.

so u dun come to my bilik and talk about it. Jerman? Brazil? owh, Jerman menang. 7-1. yeay! ok. enuff. now, get ur arse together and get the hell outta my room and go back to ur biz. ko keje kan? i knw ur passion, ur love for it or watever shyte dat is. but to come to me and talk about it - ha ha..

owh, btw - i got all the pics below from the net. easy life is! 

yeay!! Jerman menang!!!


Tuesday, July 8, 2014


jst as stars seem to get brighter as the nite gets darker, and it fades away as the sky gets brighter,
 it is a sad truth dat we dun value wat we hav as much 
as we shld until we lose it.

the stars dun shine until its all dark ere on earth, 
when their lite can finally get thru to u.

2yrs now.

10th Ramadhan.

been days since i gotta sleep well. balik terawih, switched of the phone, get it charged, hit the sack - and it took like forever to get the eyes closed. and my mind - it seems like i cant even 'shut it down' even for a while. by sahur - aku dah felt so tired, malas nak bangun and such. 

and pagi ni mak hav to like 'drag' me out of the coach and hav sthg. 'at least minum, amek sunat' as she said.

too many thgs in mind. work, future. life. the past. i am taking it easy, as dats the way it is, but everynow and then - i'd get myself 'derailed' and jadi mcm neh.

10 Ramadhan. genap 2 tahun abah pergi. every details, everythg - still in mind. mcmana at midnite kami berkumpul adk bradik around abah, how kami adik beradik takin turns bisik kat telinga abah kalimah syahadah - tho i knw those words never lekang dr bibir abah -  and how sayu the whole ward was by the time abah left us for good. and how tenang mak was, tho air mata tak henti2 running down her checks. 

and how aku torn into pieces, not knowing how to react, wat to do. being an elder bro., when everythg - like everythg; was on him. 

been 2 yrs now. and i keep on writing dis, again and again. i knw u mght say dat i need to move on, and theres nthg dat i can do wit the whole thang, i knw. and the fact is - i am still trying. i gez all of us, the whole family - we r still tryin. and forgive me, if u hate all dis. while all my sisters and brothers they knew how to let it out in words and share among us - i jst cant. they'll ask me if i was ok and if theres nthg bothers me at all - they din knw how mess it is in me, for me. and all i can do is - venting it out in ere, and i'll feel better.

and ari ni jugak - Soleh dpt interview for work. first formal interview after he was done wit his study. the whole nite i saw him doin some home work, reading dis and dat. and he has been keepin thgs to himself sejak mlm tadi. maybe he needs some space, as much as i do. and as his big brother - aku rasa aku dah contribute the best i can for him. harap2 he'll do the best and get wat he wants in life.

i feel lousy. malas and tadak mood. aku ada Taklimat Subjek at 11am, and jadah pun aku tak buat lagik.


alfatihah, buat abah.


Saturday, July 5, 2014



life is short.

no doubt. but there r ppl out there blessed wit a long and fruitful life, some even way past the normal life span of a human being. they die of old age, and these ppl hav lived a full life.

dun u wish u cld also die of old age? imagine dyin, where u cld jst lie peacefully on ur deathbed, surrounded by the ppl u love, and jst ready to embrace death wit open arms.

death is inevitable. we all gonna die. jst dat where, when and how. the manne of our death is a big deal to most ppl. learnin to plan a funeral for ur loved one is never an easy thang. it is sucha painful and sad event, but we can make the process easier by openin our hearts and accepting dis fact of life, and knwg dat these ppl who we loved on earth will be there wit Allah Subhanahu wata'alla. insyaAllah.

i've been thru it. and i knw how it is. and i am wondering of mine.

i hav a dream.

"A Sky Full Of Stars"

'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
I'm gonna give you my heart
'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
'Cause you light up the path

I don't care, go on and tear me apart
I don't care if you do, ooh
'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars
I think I saw you

'Cause you're a sky, 'cause you're a sky full of stars
I wanna die in your arms
'Cause you get lighter the more it gets dark
I'm gonna give you my heart

I don't care, go on and tear me apart
I don't care if you do, ooh
'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars
I think I see you
I think I see you

'Cause you're a sky, you're a sky full of stars
Such a heavenly view
You're such a heavenly view


been listenin to dis, since the morn. i jst love the feeling it brings. beautiful song. beautiful lyrics. furthermore, its Coldplay!

listen to it, and u'll knw how it is.

ramblin - hospital.

i was watchin dis tv show about a rich guy who is sick but he doesnt wanna stay in the hospital, bcoz he hates it there. so he insisted dat he'd be transferred at home. he was so rich dat he can afford to get expensive home medical equipment and hired nurses to attend him 24/7.

i actually dun like hospitals myself. theres jst s'thg so depressin about the whole thang - the nurses, and stayin there to be precise. if ur sick and u can afford to get urself treated at home, wont u choose to stay there instead of in the hosp?

damn. aku lupa. aku keje spital jugk. haih.

at random.

these r the few pics i adore. i got it somewhere in the net, and i love em/. these r kinda pics i wanna take it myself, but again - i am not sure if i can, how and when. darn i wish!

jst look at the pic wit the kids playin the water. amazing isnt it?

erm.. lama dah tak pegang kamera. i hardly hav anyone who share the same passion anymore.. sigh.