if theres one thg dat i can back in return - by turning back the time - i'd like to hav abah back to us. and yes, i knw - dat is totally ridiculous. i knw i've talked about dis way too often, but i cant jst keep it inside.
next month - its gonna 2 yrs now he left us behind. and i still feel his presence around me, like most of the time. his words. his everythg. and aku still ingat - aku berulang alik like every other day to angah's house at dis particular moment, 2 thn yg lepas.. since abah dah sakit teruk sgt. abah cant remember anythg at all,he hardly moved around anymore. mak - she looked so depress, and she's been keeping thgs in her so nicely for her kids were lookin around for sthg convincing, to hold on to.
and i found her crying at the mid of the nite, atas tikar sejadah while everybody were sleeping. God knws how it breaks my heart.
and each time aku nak balik Ipoh, i'd go kneeling beside abah's bed, salam abah, tell him dat i'll be leaving for Ipoh, and i'll be definitely come back for him. abah wld jst look at me, blankly and i cant help to think if he ever understand wat i told him - each time. and each time seein him like dat, i'd go break in tears by his side - silently. and abah wld go puttin his hands on my head, and keep sayin 'InsyaAllah, Allah permudahkan dunia akhirat', each time - he kept saying dat. he'll look at me, wit so many thgs in his eyes - i jst dun wat to tell. and i kept wishin he'd do dat all dis years, while he's still ok.
and i drove back to Ipoh, crying all the way. u imagine - the denial in u, the uncertainty. abah was so healthy but then.. and the question of 'y him' and 'y not others' keep hittin my skull. the growth in his brain coz him a terrible pain, beyond any description. and aggressively u can see every function started to go down the drain - his movement, his memory till finally left him restless on bed, completely in bed.
and i remember everyone of us - mak, adik2 aku - r fighting for everythg to keep thgs goin, findlin some hopes and faith to hold on to. how aku finally knw dat aku wasnt dat strong, so damn fragile. and how it was to keep a str8 face infront of em all, while deep in me - i was crushing, crashing in pieces.
its been yrs now. 2 yrs by next mth. abah still around us. we can feel dat. he is still in everyone of us.
and last nite - angah sent out a msg thru WhatsApp, and the whole thang keep coming back to me. i miss him more than anythg, especially in kinda days like dis. and all i can do was baca Al Fatihah for him, each time it hurts me inside.
i regret for not telling him dat i love him so much before he left me, and how much i appreciate him, and how proud i am to be his elder son. there r so many thgs i wanna tell him, i wanna share wit him. there r so many thgs i wanna ask him, too.
and now he's gone.