its 2.30am and i am still in ere. i was there lying in the dark, tossin up and down, trying to close my eyes - but my mind was not, so i was there staring in the dark, wit all the scary silence around u..
i hate to come out and sound depressed or tensed but i am. the world, is too overwhelming rite now. and i dun knw who and where i shld turn to. its like the world around me is spinning in a fast motion, and i run and run and try to get on board wit everyone else. but i cant.
the saddest thg is probably lies wit the fact dat i hav no one to talk about dis, in the sense dat i can talk w/o feelin judged or perhaps the insecurity monster inside me think i am so tortured dat no one else can handle it.
a few days ago - i learned how does it feel to be the stupidest person among peers. i learned how insensitive some ppl can be no matter how kind ur to em. i learned how the same insensitive ppl most of the time they treated u like a side dish - u only precious when there is no one else. i learned how hard it is to be happy about sthg ur not. i learned how sad and pathetic it is to hang ur hope expecting failures and doomed to slump when ppl r winnin, and ur not.
i learned dat good thg happens to bad ppl. maybe fair is a paradox word. i learned how insignificant my existence to the world - to the ppl around me - dis i learned for umpteenth times. i learned, maybe, jst maybe, thgs r not cut out for me to fit in, the cut out is too big and i am jst a speck of dust around the edges. and i learned how dream and ambition is two very different thgs, in words emselves - dat rarely the two wld meet. and how rare to achieve both. and to consider to settle maybe, halfway of the climb.
perhaps wat i knw now is not to hope any more - bcoz before dis i learned, also the hard way, not to hope too high. never put ur expectation mountain high. apparently, i was wrong. hope is a false illusion of theres a magical wonderful world where everythg works for u, and dat world - is non-existence. sigh.
so - dun hope at all. at all course. better to expecting loses, bcoz statistically speaking, the bell graph has like only 25% who succeeded while the other 75% r pathetic fools who think they stand a chance - its better to knw i wld be in the latter than hoping to be in the former but later disappointed.
think i shld try crashing again. darn i need some sleep, God sake. perhaps i cld, after dis?