thank u for being ere. dis plain wall of urs is the beacon of light in the darkest time of my life. u repeatedly save my life from nihilistic tots and feeling helpless. ur surely a great therapy. ur there for me when i need some one to 'talk' to, and u never say 'no' to me. if u were a pic, it wld be 80% black, 10% red and another 10% of grey. it isnt the best lookin color ever, but it is my color and i thank you for stickin wit me all these while. ur the one i turn to when i'm feelin down, alone and useless.
dis time no less.
is it bcoz i am askin too much of my life and from ppl arnd me? y is it these ppl arnd me keep lettin me down? and the worst part is dat - they do it unknwingly. i knw - life is a roller coaster. and teh fact is - i dun think i can hold on the ride anymore. i am gettin nauseated, confusin and i want a steady flet track instead of dis uphill-downhill-side slope kinda track.
perhaps - all these bcoz i keep xpcting great hgs from me - altho thru exterior expression i show no sign. deep down in my heart theres a lil boy still dat keeps hoping for great thgs to come.
i envy ppl. they hav the slightest good thang a day and i makes em happy. y is it dat i feel so greatly burden by dis world, not only my world but also others. i feel sad for ppl arnd me, i feel heavy wit everythg dat is happenin in dis world, and they make me feel helpless.
wld i become a great person, as great as the ppl i admired and read about in books? cld i? i am a lil bit too late for dat? or simply, wld i finally become the person i xpct myself to be?
y cant i wanted normal thgs like other ppl? y cant i be jst like others? i mean.. sigh. y i hav to want so many thgs dat i cant achieve unlike other ppl? y is it i care too much about everythg?
y lil thgs can hurt me?
y am i feelin like dis?
darn dis is a pic and its a pic of desperation and despair. and kinda depression.
Ya Allah - dis is a plea. and pls, pls help me.