Friday, January 31, 2014

happy bird day!

its the day, of every year. a once a year kinda day. u used to wait for it, but as for me now - i cldnt care less. i think.

now i am a year older now. happy bird day to me.

2013 was rough for me. i went thru shyte like most of the time. i lost some chances, i was down, in deep shyte. its like somethg happened to u, and it completely changed u all over, up side down. u were drowned in questions - y u, y now, how and such. until u realize dat bkn semua dlm idup neh, ada jawapan for everythg in dis universe.. i hav no reason to turn back, for i only one chance - to look forward, and enjoy everyday yg dtg. waking up and bein able to take a deep breathe and carry on for the rest of the day - tu pun dah cukup besar rahmatNya utk aku. and i wont go asking for more.

and dis year - i want to start all over again. i hav to cope up wit thgs. i hav to really take care of myself, coz if i am not, nbdy wld. i wanna prove myself is a worth while. and i want to challenge my own self and see where wld it brings me.



Thursday, January 30, 2014


yes. aku rempit ke ofis pagi neh. tak de pe sebab musabab - kereta aku semua ok je, jst dat aku feel like to do it simple today, and thus. lagi pun stdnts semua cuti, staf je keje.. and there'll be no ppl yg sawan and jerit2 tepi jalan 'eh, sir naik motor', 'sir!!' sambil gedik2 loncat tepi jln lambai2 and such for sure. so aku park kat basement - kat tempat moto. first question i got from Mr Bong was like 'eh, aku ingat ko tak keje.. tak nampak pun kete ko', and sah2 la aku tak akan park my moto kat tempat parking kete aku tu, eh? rasa pelik plak. 

rasa mcm giler kuasa pun ada. erm.

and owh, aku rempit in baju batik. thus, aku rasa kelakar.

btw - u hav to knw aku suka naik moto. seriously. i mean - naik sorang2 wit no one at the back lah - i feel less bertanggungjawab, i think. naik moto senang - parking senang, i mean - senang lah! haaa.. mcm tu. and err, minus all those thgs like hujan ribut petir semua lah. and dat thang bila ko naik moto, kete laju and splash air lopak kat ko. tu mmg hanjs lah. hahahaha

and as for me - each time aku naik moto - i hav 2 principles; a) kalo ko nak bwk slow-mo, ko bwk tepi2. kat line putih tu. or atas rumput terus pun tak pe, since nbdy wld care. and kalo ko bwk mcm tu - terpulang lah, ko nak imagine ko bwk moto a'ala Matrix pun tak pe. ko tak ganggu sesaper.. b) and kalo ko kaki pecut - pecut elok2. wit a considerable speed. make sure tgk rear mirror and such. ko nak cilok ke, nak pecut kat line putih pun tgh pun tak pe.. rather then ko ber-slow-mo, tp berangan cantik nak duduk tgh2 jalan. itu sgt bodoh.

so ari neh - jalan agak clear, so pe lagik. aku hayun handle moto seadanya. best siak. and when havin dis cold fresh air hitting ur face - u'd feel so darn fresh - w'pun sah2 mata ko semi-rabak since mlm smlm still ko tak bley tdo. 

tp aku tadak la nak pecut mcm pelesit - or like those yg rasa bagus naik moto besar bagak and make the whole jalan like bapak dorg punya.

aku naik moto ciput je kot. haha.. yg penting aku tak kepit or bersimpuh time naik scoot. kan?


stdnts dah start cuti CNY. same wit wit all the bosses - TP (Akademik) and TP (HEP) plus few other bos2 kecik. staf aku je 3 org cuti. in my department - tinggal la aku, and Kak Ina buat pe yg patut. Ameer pg2 nampak, skang dah ilang. main silap mata letteww.. Ain cuti, Fina cuti. Yus ada tadi, skang mana pi tatau. pantry kot. i hav a lot to be done today pun, time2 tadak gangguan ni la ko nak pulun buat all the admin works.

kalo tak, serabot!

and btw - aku puasa today. and dis ofis rasa mcm esok nak Krismas. kalo dpt bihun sup ayam panas2 pun sedap neh. 


minyak mahal.
ko tak mampu naik kereta, ko naik lah moto!

mana otak? hahaha


when at midnites, i become sad. especially when i hardly sleep, like tonite. y?

i read somewhere dat druing dis godly hrs of nite when the world is silence dat u wld find solemn, dat the whole world will seep onto ur skin and the realization of life wld come.

these past coupla days - shytes r gettin real. like, the possibility is there, its so can happened, its like waiting for ur deformed retarded son to be born but ur not ready yet, heck, u dun wanna be ready.

denial. dats the word.

i actually dun wanna be ready, or in a way - prepared. i feel if i am prepared, its like i am waiting for the thg to straight runnin into my arms, break my bones and shred my flesh - jst like dat. dammit, its so scary. i dun wanna fail anymore. been there, done dat - i am not afford to fail, again.

the boses really dun knw shyte. the same shyte storm they keep spewing out of their mouth 'u hav to choose the rite thg', 'u gotta be ready, the time will come', 'if the juniors can, y cant u..' and same ol' shyte, again and again.

u speak as if u knew everythg. dumb b*tch. i hate u.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

screw u.

and its God's fault?

well, erm, fcuk. ppl jst wanna hurt one another, dun they?

like, physically - and mentally. and financially, spiritually, religiously. racially. i'm-bigger-than-u-so-STFU ally. i mean (again), if i was God and i see upon my 'greatest' creation - dat is humanity, and i trusted em wit dis whole friggin planet, i said 'i giv u brain so u can think and u shld be way bloody smarter than the rest of four-legged and hollow bones and those in seas, u shld make dis a nice beautiful place for all of us'. and now, i wont ever hesitate to wipe the entire humanity, teach em a lesson not to mess wit me.

i mean, dats jst a bloody tot.

and dat is y, u and i arent God, God sake. and thus no way u cld be sure of anythg in the future or the past, nor we hav the power ro change em. time travel? nah, dats a bulshyte.

but we do hav the power to decide. dats the thang guys, decision! there is fate, and its all predetermined and all yeah, but we do make our own decision.

and if its ur decision to hurt me the way u do now, its ur decision to choose me as ur enemy. if its ur decision to lie to me and then u think i cant see it - knw dat i can see rite thru u, i knw ur every step, i knw wat ur made of, i knw wat ur up to, i knw ur every motive. if dis is ur decision and then u say dis is all God's way or His mysterious works, then fcuk u! no, dis is all urs and dun u dare bringing God into anythg at all. never. Gos has no business wit u, u fcuktards religious ppl who always blame and bringing God to every single thang, as id u cant decide on ur very own!

and if u do think of leaving, i dun fcukin mind. as long as u do it nicely and pls dun do a remission in another time.coz i wont trust u, ever.


i am ok. the above nthg to do wit me. its a fren came up and see me, ventilating. i wanted to say out thgs like the above, but i knw she cant take it well. knwing her. poor thang. she'll live life in a similar freakin cycle, again and again.

i've done my part. i hope she'll survive.

same ol', same ol'..

aku tak bley tdo lagik semlm. awal lagik aku dah crashed in - by 10pm sthg - tp rite up till past midnite, aku still staring into the darkness, struggling to close the eyes. i am not sure y - literally aku penat jgk, seriously i jst dun knw y. perhaps thgs in my mind - which is, dammit aku tak sure jadah. i remember terlena - but i had the mind wandering still, which left me like tdo ayam. by 5am aku dah wide awake - and left me no reason to push myself and made me go sleep even more. aku bangun, mandi, tunggu Subuh. and ere i am. 

and i am feeling like a Zombie now. u knw - dat feel, rasa berat je kepala. nampak katil and u feel like diving in. but i cant do dat - coz if i do dat - a) aku akan tdo forever like forever ever after.. b) still ended up terkelip2 mata tgk siling mcm ikan puyu. 

i am hoping thgs will be better kat tempat keje nanti. perhaps when i get myself soaked in works and such - i will be ok. 

mak lari, nak! 

owh, btw - ptg semlm aku did the run. lately aku eager to do so. perhaps wit all the apps and such - it really motivates me. dulu2 pun aku lari2 jugak - tp bak kata kwn2 aku - lari kena wit goals n u hav to enjoy doin it. and dats y i am havin in me now. and i feel good. i feel damn fresh. and i am looking forward for more.

so smlm - i wanted to do way better then the days before. ala2 nak prove myself i can do better gitew. baru lari 100m, aku terdengar org panggil nama aku - ah, its Haji Talib. my ex-penyelia time aku keje kat Taiping dulu. nice, wise man. so aku benti, shake hand, tnya2 khbr2 sket, gelak2 plastik setakat mampu and think i'll get away - but i wasnt! so he kept telling me his pencen nyer plan, wat he did and such amd i was there like 'o, ye ke', 'iyerrr, aji?' and dlm ati.. argkh. 10mins wasted there. 

and thanked God, aku managed to escape. aku lari, and i think i did it good.

3km and the sky came pouring down. berterabur aku lari ke wakaf tmpat aku parked kete. heh!

aku duduk2 kejap tunggu ujan renyai. and ujan tak renyai2 pun. did some burpees, and off aku balik dgn muka muncung ke tanah. dah la Ahad aku tdo je.. Isnin all day on the road, and Selasa ujan. huargkh. 

harap2 ari ni tak ujan.. eh?


org dah azan. Subuh yaww.. see u around.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

hipster? wtf.

welcome to my next session of rambling. i am ur host, ur jury and ur sex slave. err. i'll be givin u info which most probably not true, but hell - i knw u dun care and ur jst goin to read dis post of mine as fast as possible w/o thinkin twice (some mght use the words 'glancing'), then clicking the 'close tab' button. sampai hati. ok, shall we begin?

"its Twitter for u and not FB".
lemme xplain to uols. nowadays ppl adore hipster. its the truth. no matter how many ppl deny it, theres always dat speck of feelin or ambition to be a hispter. sudeh. ko jgn dok buat muka mcm tu. aku tau ko pun sama mcm org lain jugak. eh? and, esp in ur chosen categories. for example - being a pioneer in a really good music. dis can be showed a few yrs back. when, dis sort of ppl introduced the Harlem Shake to their frens. nah, dun u lie to me. they wanted to tell u dat..

Danced to Harlem Shake.

(bubuh gambar ko kat sini, dol)

Before it was cool.

see wat i mean? a ah, do not get me started on Oppa Gangnam Style! or Gentleman. 

it is related to the topic i wanted to share wit u. u knw wat is the reason of the existence of hipsters? its all about bein mainstream or wat-not. they hated-shyte which r common. before dis, Friendster is the thg dat make us happy. at least, giving excitement to lil humans in surfing the web, connecting wit long lost relatives and ur 13yrs-of-crush. some ppl say, a stalker. i wanted to look those guys as proactive. the guy who became the definition of popular idiom, 'strike the iron while its hot'. or watever.

hipster like to be the one who pioneered the trending topics. wearing all dis vintage clothes and shyte. simpan misai pjg2 masuk mulut penuh kuah kari bagai mcm Wak Doyok. then u sit there at the corner pintal2 misai ko smpai bergulung2, and u feel good about it. u admired em pakai seluar ketat senteng, and ko nak pakai jugak - w'pun bontot and peha ko besar mcm buah cempedak kat pasar. and dat happened wit FB. when Friendster was the 'shizzle, they r using FB. now, its all about tweeting. some may argue dat Twitter has been there floating on the web for ages. i agree. but now, i am serving my point. wait for it.

Twitter is a simple social service where it works like a bloody charm. i am very confused wit Twitter even when i joined wit few yrs back. then somewhere in last yr, i started to tweet as serious as it gets bcoz i think it is fun. sometime i dun think the word fun justify wat i felt at the moment, but then - its safe to say, its insightful. lemme explain. first of all, theres news. trust me, no other news spread as fast as a Twitter account. its easy. the fcuked up part is, u hav to find the proper source. in the other words, u need to follow or subscribe ppl's tweet.

so, by relating the hipster and Twitter, u can see a lot of good stuff showed in timeline. wit the mentality of some ppl, putting a so-called poems, creative phrases, jadah-ko-nyer-lawak-neh it made Twitter a better place. furthermore, wit a limited 160 characters per tweet, dis gives u a push in making a very spontaneous, short but witty tweets. owh, lupa kan gambar2 ko ber-selfie dpn cermin tiap2 pagi tu. tak de makne nyer. and trending all over the world if its a good one. dat will make u popular. at least u feel happy about urself bcoz u knw deep inside, they r feeling wat ur feeling as u tweeted the those.

Twitter giv dis space, for ppl to understand his/her mind. it doesnt matter if he's an actor, a philosopher or jst a medic stdnt. u can see, the real insight of ur frens, stdnts, lecturers, crush or even ur daughter. yet, Twitter is a scary place. bcoz ppl who adored chaos always choose to hurt others feeling using Twitter. dis hipsters make their own rules when using Twitter and force others to obey em. well, if u think about it - dats how thw world works. to all those midget, toddlers, babies and pigs out there - i am sorry to say, u were born in a very bad time - where rock and rolls never mattered and Justin Bieber is ur Perdana Menteri

Jibby-who? eh.

tu je la kot for tnite. dats all for my rambling. Twitter is good. esp wit those circle of frens, whom u trust. on the other hand, if ppl r blocking u - its a sign u were dumped and hated. tak payah la nak bg bermacam2 alasan. been there, as well. in FB, its a different case. FB is like having a surat beranak. a list of friendship certificate. u knw ur not on the same page to dat particular one person, but its all on surface. u hav like thousands of frens in FB, but u knew only a few. and the rest - superficial. the real shyte is on Twitter. where the ppl r actually talking shyte about u. and u hav to talk shyte about em as well. meanwhile, on FB - both of u jst posted a pic of both of u guys commemorating the anniversary of fren-bulshyte-ship.

procrastinating? not FB. its Twitter, b*tch.


ok. ini promo. follow lah kalo nak follow.
kalo tak nak, STFU.
and owh, followers tak la beribu raban.. and i am ok wit dat!


balik surau, aku golek2. bodo la aku ngantok tp tak bley lena. and tetiber aku rasa nak menaip. aku tak la plak ada specific thgs dlm kepala hotak ni utk di tulis - tp aku rasa ada urge utk menaip. the tots of expressing everythg in a blog was never a choice to begin wit. pesal? sebab the feeling of insecurity how the future might end or bend. kdg2 manusia byk sgt berfikir sampai it started to blur the right thg. suddenly, u jst blurt everythg dat wldnt make sense at all. at the end it was a stupid idea.

and org yg baca pun fikir ko bodoh giler.

pagi ni, aku rasa nak menaip itu membuak-buak. mcm mata air yg keluar dr perut bumi. mata air? jadah. aku pun dah tak ingat how it looks like. erm, mcm air yg keluar dr permukaan tanah since paip depan rumah ko pecah. haa.. senang. aku seriously tak tau nak tulis apa, tp the urge is there. lebih lebih lagi semlm aku tak bley tdo. whole nite tak bley tdo. and whoe nite is a malam yg panjang - mcm2 aku dah lakukan. aku dah balut hadiah utk IMT, aku jenuh ngadap tv, aku dah tawas keliling rumah, cuci kereta, watered the plants, cuci baju pinggan semua segala alam. and owh, dan mcm2 drama Korea aku tgk smlm. penuh aksi, keganasa, tangisan, kesediha, suspen, love scene. kissing scene je tak de. bukan lah mengharap. aku jst saying. haha

ok. aku jst nak ckp one thg. having someone yg close to is a wonderful gift. susah senang, dorg bley dgr. bukan time dorang ada masalah je ko kena tadah telinga. its a reciprocal la in nature. time gembira boleh kongsi. time sakit jiwa boleh dgr. sakit hati pun boleh dengar. sakit perut pun boleh, dowh. btol pe. ada apa hal, semua org keluar tinja. sama je. cuma pelbagai rupa.

haa.. aku dah mula merepek.

aku dah blog lama jgk rasanya. tp sometime masih kaget nak menaip. dulu aaku menaip tadak org tau pun. aku went anonymous. skang dah lain. aku dulu bukan main isi keluar dr kepala otak aku mcm air kenching tak bertapis.

skang dah mcm ada batu karang pulak. sumpah tak enak.


aku dah malas nak menaip dah. aku nak sambung tido. Sabtu, siak. rugi kalo tak tido. sekian.

penampar nak?

Thursday, January 23, 2014


here r certain ppl in the world dat jst dun care. they r called ignorant. while it is, ignorance is a bliss - it is also a fcukin annoyance to some ppl, like me. ignorant, as their name suggests - build a fortress around their life wit ignorance and fcuk-i-dun-dun-fcukin-care, and the fortress keeps em safe and sound in their own perfect lil world - but still, giv em a sense of comfortability to laugh at other ppl who care and to say "wat a pathetic fool they r..".

u cant go to someone and say "y u gotta sweatin on all these? rileks la bro.. be cool!". no, u cant when u dun knw a thang. rileks la bro, my sweet arse. i guess dat is how ppl r - some wit the burden of the world on their back, some w/o even a single bloody friggin chip pun on their shoulders. and it is up to the one who cares - to take care of the ignorant, bcoz at the end of the day - the ignorant wld never understand the reasons y u care so much.. and also u cant understand the complexity, or the simplicity for dat matter - the mind of ignorant. seriously, they jst dun care about u, about the rest of the world. and yes, seriously i shld cool down now, and stop bein a bitch.

coz ari ni, aku puasa.

a few thgs i am grateful for dis week, and one of em is being myself. i knw i am not golden. i am aluminium at best - but to be frank, dat is the only thg i can be grateful for dis week. it hadnt been a quite a good week, but i survive. i am grateful for being me, and for able to accept myself the way i am, tho i cld do wit some drastic weight loss. haih.

there r days when thgs go as usual, as ordinary as any other given days - but theres sthg not rite and i cant put my fingers on it - and it ticked me off. the day ruined thoroughly, until someone at random says "hi" to u. and u smile, taking the burden off, lil by lil. and then another person called u by name out of the blue, askin u how ur day goes, and some small unimportant talk, before he walked away waving u goodbye wit the friendliest smile. u stumbled into another fren, asking u "pi mana Shah?", u smile and answer him politely, see him laugh and u cant understand y he laughed - but its ok bcoz it isnt derogatory laugh - but a friendly laugh. and then u look up to the sky - and see the calm blueness of the God's playground, the sun up there shines brightly and u knw its a beautiful day, dat everythg will be jst fine.

so, i am grateful for being me. me, myself. dats the only thg dat walk me thru the week, so far. the world is and ugly, hostile place but is also gives u an equal opportunity to see its beautiful, friendly side - only if u wanna see it. and only if u choose to see it well. i knw i am not much of a +ve person, but i absorb the positiveness of ppl arnd me, and these few days - i felt like being abandoned a lil by ppl arnd me; as always busy schedules, works, classes and such - but the street, the wind, the sun and sky hav all sort of positive energy and they wont abandon u even in their worst days.

dat, somehow make me believe dat its a beautiful world, after all. and all those manic, major depressive disorders dat i learned, and i taught to the stdnts, and the symptoms which i recognize dearly, all subside to oblivion, thanks for letting me havin these days.

dat i dun need rite now is a person who wants to argue about wanting to compromise. they suck, seriously they reall do..    :-)

yrs truly;
bcoz a feel good writing lifts up dull, depressing days.

..i think.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

un-fly ur fly.

opsss, i did it again. i am not sure how it happened, and wat went wrong - but i did it again.

i was done wit an hour class early in the morn., when i called off for a break - take 5, dat is - when a stdnt of mine, a young boy duduk dpn sekali came up to me at the stage, suddenly hold on the mic, whispering to me "sir, u mght want to check ur zipper..", and zusssss.. i felt like a thunder came hit me rite on the spot, and had all the blood came rushin up my head.

and yes - the zip 'terbukak' and thank God i was sitting at belakang  meja, and i was wearing dis jaket way down coverin down half of my waist. seriously i din knw how to react. but the boy acting so cool - he was jst smilin at me litely, pretending as if theres nthg happened.

and rite on the spot, i was full wit q's. did everybdy see sthg they shldnt be seein? or dorg tak perasan? since aku pakai seluar itam. or perhaps bdk2 yg duduk dpn - sah2 berfiesta mata? haih. done wit take 5, aku smbg balik kelas, pura2 mcm nthg happened. seriously - aku rasa dorg tak perasan kot.. after all, seluar itam, and seluar kecik pun itam.

wat if aku pakai merah?  mati lar.

done wit the class, aku cpt2 blah. bygkan - ko ada like another 3hrs wit em all! haih. aku thanked the boy, and off aku blah. walking back to the office - i cant help smiling to myself. kal dorg tak nampak - nak buat mcmana. perhaps dorg tergolong dlm golongan yg rugi. hahaha.. or kalo dorang nampak - rejeki lah! nak buat mcmana. shyte happens stimes.


next time - i swear to God up above, aku akan check berkali2. seriously. malu weh!

a ah, it aint pornography.
but its silly-o-graphy.

owh, btw - ari ni aku start stayin away from the gym. i mean - bukan la stay away trus. aku rasa from now on - if i wanna do cardio, i will hit the road and run. and if i wanna run - i will do it outside. seriously aku dha bosan lari2 anak atas treadmill. it is so boring aku rasa mcm hamster. 

wit my mp3 on, and wit the help of some application - i am proud wit wat i had for today. mmg lah aku tak mampu nak trus like 6min/km. or nak up till 5min/km (ehem). tp aku akan cuba insyaAllah. and i am running wit a goal. wats the goal? haaaa.. later2 lah bgtau. yg penting - bukan tiang goal.

rasa syok plak. tak sbr nak lari lagik esok.. gtew.

ok. over.

mak lari, nak!

Sunday, January 19, 2014

i am fat.


wat is it about chubby ppl dat make em lovable and hated at the same time? dis is a scientific fact, i fished it out of hrs and hrs on reading about it, and recently - watching documentaries on NatGeo. there were two pics of a typical fat guy and typical fat gal shown to coupla hundreds correspondents and the results were dat the most adjectives used to describe the guy was lovable, easy to be wit, funny etc etc. meanwhile - the gal got it pretty rough hell yeah - wit lazy, fat-arse, disgusting, boner destroyer and the last one i totally made it up. hiks.

well, as a chubby dude myself - nah, i am not sure if i am chubby, or fat. or buff. or chubby-fat? sigh. ah, apa2 lah. the point is - i hav to say it wld hav to be the combination of several factors. guys - when they r fat BUT still arent morbidly fat - tend to compensate wat they r lacking in hot physique - wit a sense of humor. meanwhile - gals, they think they r fat even they r not. dat alone shows how distorted their views into live, and how deeply rooted their problem is - and it doesnt hav to be illuminati-generated, Freemanson-scandals' sham, but the capitalism which generally operated wit a simple formula of gals r main consumers - and they r dependent to men even tho they made u believe the feminist revolution somehow changes the role-play, and dat if the Victoria's Secret;s billboard says dats wat the men want. heh.

i mean - dats wat we want. dammit.

the truth is - far less simple but not as simple as it sound. men r as shallow as gals. 

and dats dat.

so, the limelight back to where it belong; me. excuse me wihle i'm feelin grandeur for a brief moment out of my depressing miserable day, but i can pretty say dat i am pretty lovable. am i rite? rite? rite?? ha ha

i hav dis pathological narcissistic disorder where i hav a strong feeling dat i am pretty convenient and nice to be around. my face maybe slightly ketat, but hell - i am a nice guy. hey, the laundry shop knws my name, the akak nasik lemak bawah pokok knws my name, plus makcik jual kueh tepi jalan pagi2 aku dok beli masalodeh tu pun knws my name. and where i live, and ppl always remember my face, tho same cannot said about my ability to recognize faces and remembering names. i think the explanation to dat had to be dat i am a bit exotic (puke), or extraordinarily ordinary, or dat i am delusional. either way, i am memorable.

and wit the perception of me being lovable (pls, say no objections on dis matter - jst for a while), it somehow gives ppl a notion dat i hav no feeling, or not able to feel hurt. or offended.

truth is, i am. i hurt, easily. and i am fat.

dammit, nasik krabs! esok no more.


Saturday, January 18, 2014


PB Batch 1/2013. 

they r done wit the one yr study. and they r back
to where they belong. i had a great time and such an honor to get the chance teaching em all.
perhaps one of the reason was  - Nazmir was there. he never failed to amuse me
and challenged me wit his questions and such - such a mind provoking,
and i obviously like it.
they asked questions like never others did before.

all the best, guys! and be the best.

me and the big, immediate boss - Mr Bong Suadi Hj Hashim.

me and the rest of the gang/colleagues;
Ijad, Abg Mat, Mr Bong, me, Ajak, and Mr Nazri.

Allahyarhamah Siti Nailah, Fina, me and Yus.

no apparent reason for the above 3 pics. 
i jst love it. 
the bonding and such. and perhaps -
one of my fren - arwah Siti Nailah, was there..


shall hit the crib. its been a long day, today. and i feel like feverish.

goodnyte, peeps!

Thursday, January 16, 2014

al fatihah - Siti Nailah Abdul Razak.

i i lost my fren yesterday. i lost Siti Nailah Abdul Razak yesterday - and shes my fren. she mght not be dat close to me - but then - she's a fren of mine. and she left us for good, yesterday morning.

i was done wit class by 10am - and havin my break kat meja aku, when aku heard Kak Ina HEP was walking around doin some collection. aku malas nak amek port sgt - there r a lot of collection done everynow and then kat ofc aku neh. she came to my desk aku said, 'Shah, derma ikhlas - Siti nailah dah meninggal pagi tadi..'. i was shocked. i was left wit no words. serious - aku tak tau how to react. all aku remember was - aku picked up the phone, called Mr Bong. he told me to cancelled all the classes, and ikut dia tu Slim River A&E, for the body was still there.

aku rushed to the class, broke the news. stdnts went tergamam. and aku left em as it is. Ajak called, asking me to go there dgn dia. and off i went - drive on my own wit Ajak and Azhar. upon arriving at the mortuary - shes was still there, lying motionlessly. i cld see few ppl mourning, keeping thgs to themselves. and i managed to meet his husband.

and her 11 mths old lil gal. sigh.

done wit all, we made a move. aku tak dpt follow others off to Kuala Ketil, since dia akan dikebumikan di sana. otw back, Ajak and Azhar alrdy off sleepin. and me - being me - i had my thinking all over the place. i am still shock. aku baru je jmpak dia last Saturday. she was on kerusi roda, since somethg went wrong wit her knee. she told me dis terpelecok or somethg time keluar kereta, and hurt her knee. and dat wasnt the first time. she was ok. like she used to be. simple, reserved, tak byk ckp. she told me she'll be on MC for 2 weeks. i told her to hav a good rest, and back to work cepat2.. and dat was it.

and as usual - when i started to hav all dis sort of questions in mind - i'll be in deep shyte. the thg will go on intrusively bothering me and it'll leave me suffocate. i feel like heading str8 home, but i knw it wldnt be good. so aku pi jgk gym - run a bit for an hr, and off home. bdk2 gym ajak me join em lifting some wts., i told em i dun feel like to. reached home - aku off under the shower, Maghrib, had my lite dinner, and spent some time in front of the idiotbox. 

i literally sit there, eyes on the idiotbox, while again - my mind was all over the place. and i kept jumping from a channel to another.

i finally drowned myself in bed, wit thgs in my head. i knw i cant definitely, and it is. there r so many questions in my head - the why, the how. shes still young. and shes a nice gal. ppl kept telling me all the nice ppl shall leave us early. and am i not dat good enuff? at least Siti Nailah is alrdy 'there'. wat about me? i saw her coupla days back, and now shes alrdy not around - anymore. so sudden. tiber2. cld dat happen to me as well? i was ere now - i mght be somewhere else nanti? and how its gonna be for me? Siti Nailah - after post mortem, the COD was Pulmonary Embolism. somethg yg sgt2 rare. somethg yg u cant xpct it happening to ur own fren. and lead to death.

al fatihah buat Siti Nailah. aku doakan rohnya dirahmati Allah Taala. moga juga ditempatkan bersama semua para ambi'a, di sisi Allah Taala hendaknya. dan moga Allah mempermudahkan segalanya, mengampun dosa salah silap arwah mahunya. 

i feel numb dis morn. aku hav class at 1am rite till 1pm - tukar dgn Ramesh. and ptg, i am leaving back to kampung. 

i need somethg and someone - dat i can ease my mind.

al fatihah..

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

apa-apa lah.

i hav a lot of questions and not so much solution for all questions given. i hate dis, seriously. to be drowned wit questions and u hav no answers for it. 

dis is tiring.

y, every time - when i am being sweet - there must be some one to be dropping the 'bad news'? for example - when i took an effort wishing u 'good nite' or 'good morning', and u go 'ok' to it. huh? is dat the way u answer it? mana ko belajar? its like thunder clapping. and dis morning - i knw it is goin to be a long day today for me - and i wanted to be nice. i wished everyone yg aku jumpak - and they did wished me back. i do feel nice. but Amer - he was like sengih2 and went..

ko ni pe hal ari ni Shah? boleh tak ko pi..

what? pi mana? Pangkor? Mid Valley? Tabung Haji? KLCC? Danga Bay?

seriously i am not sure wat is wrong wit him. or wit the everbdy, in fact. kalo aku serious, payah. kalo aku tryin to be nice, pun payah. like every fcukin time.

so, i am angry? no. dats the definite answer. cuma aku meluat. serious meluat. 

yes. aku ok. aku ari ni whole day kelas - i wont let any bulshyte influenced me and made me a monster. go to the class, and bein a monster in no good. no good for u. not fair for the stdnts. 


Monday, January 13, 2014

half a day, wit me.

the alarm screamed out loud by 5.30am. i cant remember brp kali aku hit the snooze and get snoozed away. wat i remember was, by 5.45am - aku dah in towel, walkin like half Zombie to the wash room. amek wuduk and such - i had all the time in the world wit my only Allah Taala to myself, seblm azan Subuh. dat was the best time for me - everyday - senyap, sunyi, aku never feel so close to anyone or wnythg at all, rather than me and the God above. azan Subuh - aku terus solat, and jumped back in towel.

6.10am and it was still early for me - aku went downstairs jst like tiap2 ari - get a big mug of air kosong, and off down my tummy. naik balik, did some lite strecthing - sits up, squats and such, for a while. depends on how rajin i am - otherwise aku terus stand under the shower. as usual - 2 things will be in my mind while aku were standing under the shower; a) wonder wats for the day, and how its gonna be.. or, b) wonderin y on earth i am standing there - under the shower. 10mins minimum - and i am done wit the shower. pakai baju tie sumer, went down, made myself a mug of warm milk (instead of Nescafe nowadays), down wit all the pills and aku off behind the wheel.

normally, like usually - aku akan singgah kedai kueh makcik tepi jalan, and get myself 3 ketul kueh. a ketul 30cents, 3 ketul 90cents. wat kueh is very subjective - dats wat i said lah. tp frankly enuff, aku rasa makcik kedai tu pun dah tau kueh apa aku akan beli - seketul masalodeh, 2 ketul karipap. or 2 ketul masalodeh, karipap seketul. either way lah. and most of the time - time driving, aku akan on the radio - to keep myself up wit the latest news, songs etc, and aku akan munching the masalodeh away, very very slowly and nicely - so dat obviously seketul pun dah buat aku kenyang rite till 10am - while enjoyin the view, the madness all the super-daddies and super-mommies bring time rushing anta anak masing2 ke skol and such. parked my car where it shld be, bring all the stuffs out - and thumbed in.

normally aku - aku paling awal. or Mr Bong. or me. or either one of us.

smpai meja, on komputer. pi pantry on semua tempat masak air etc. kemas2 sket, and bukak organizer. settle pe2 penting before 8am. ari neh - kelas 11am - so aku settled marking case clerking sket, and turun assembly. jmpak Ajak, Amer, KF and few others. sembang2 sket. bersosial pe patut. done wit it - aku balik meja. go thru few materials for the class. 11am kelas. jerit2 sket. perform pe patut. tnya sotlan, jawab sotlan, and i called it the day. 12.45pm aku balik meja. ofc kosong. ramai dah pi lunch kot.. walked alone to the pantry, toasted some roti, had em wit some of my fav peanut butter. tgk2 FB. tegur2 makcik2 yg kuar masuk pantry. tgk2 Instagram. belek2 Twitter. by 2pm, siap Zohor.

now ere i am. esok cuti. dats all dat matters.buat keje sket, masuk Asar solat. off to gym by 5pm. 7pm head home. mandi, Maghrib, lite dinner, idiotbox, tido. and the cycle starts all over again, trow.

boring eh? sigh. i think i am. boring person. boring life.

Sunday, January 12, 2014




did u knw, most of the thgs i've written ere is for me, for my sanity - and not for anyone else? i mean - most of it. yes, its like i am actually talking to myself. the pronoun i frequently used is "u" and dat "u" is me. call me a psycho but who cares?

but seriously, dun take anythg i write too seriously. hell, i've been told by some of my frens dat i sounded miserable in my blg. like seriously? i too, often re-read my posts and feel 'wat the fcuk dis whinny b*tch so stress about, i too facing the shyte - shut the fcuk up!'. to be honest, it wasnt vey common practice for me to write when i am angry or sad or depressed on in deep shyte, i usually jst keep mum when those thgs came. in few days later when i had gathered some strength - the i wld write. wat a pussy.

and i realised nbdy commenting any more. perhaps nobdy reads it either. aku ingat lagi time e-kawan dulu, pantang je aku post entry - bersepah2 org komen. tak pe lah. i dun mind pun. i do the writing for i want to. it helps me a lot - to at least stay sane.the blog helps me, like, u knw - someone listens to me. like really listen. the thg is - being a guy who always 'ok' and 'positive', ppl always count on u to fart rainbow and glitter out ur arse. it certainly doesnt help dat i am a compulsive liar, pretty much like 'the boy who cried wolf', its jst good fun. but is hard for ppl and myself to take me seriously.

so tq. pls make my day. yes, i am in a very good mood tnite. and i am off crashing! gdnyte.

Saturday, January 11, 2014


salam. and gd evenin ppl.

i now will be summarizing a lot of stuff. i'm ur host and ur path guide. and i will make the best of dis space to indulge a lil sthg-sthg named homo sapiens. to be honest, i am jst goin to babble my train of tots like i alwyas do. first thg first - its been wonderful. there was a hiccup ere and there, but hey - if it wasnt for dat - wats the point of livin a bloody life. aye? it meant to be headace inducer, herat breaker and mind bogglin topic. so - jst shut up, and live on.

we tend to whine about everythg. and some ppl forget dat ppl actually whine their lil insignificant life. i am bein neither saint no religious - but isnt theres a world waiting for us? the after life. shldnt we chase dat one thang? dat only one thang? well, ur wrong. ok, before getting a smack by any of the guys - lemme rephrase dat. the world we live in is important. no matter how religious ur, lemme say it again - it is important. and u hav to giv it all during dis life. dun say shyte like;

its ok. God will help us later in life.

no, u shldnt keep on sayin dat. u hav to stop tellin urself dat. instead giv ur sorry lil arses a kick. wat i am tryin to say is, make out of everythg in dis world. and live ur life - accordingly.

no, i am not mad. yet i am not good in dealing wit my anger. maybe its not serious as it sounds, but i've been punching my car steering recently. i flipped out when a really good fren of mine made a statement. its too much i think. well, the fact dat i am such a sunnavabitch makin it harder to accept it. well, dammit i am sorry. i knw theres always a problem wit me but i always take the initiative. i always tolerate everythg ppl've given to me. i never hav a problem wit anyone, and believe me when i always hold like most of everybdy dear in my heart. maybe dis time - i shldnt.

i was stumped the fact dat i was dumped wit the reason of me cherishing my best fren. wat went wrong? dats wat made me bald from all the head scratching. i wanted for an answer. well, i tot i was. i learned dis the hard way. i was texting while driving. cussing all the way. i learned maybe, sometime - u dun need an answer. the only thg u need was making ppl happy. the result itself.

but then - dun misunderstand the fact dat i am keepin my anger bcoz of sthg. dun get me wrong. bcoz no matter wat i felt, i chose to forget about it bcoz its never been a problem. for eg; i bought a phone for rm1300 sthg, and i sold it to u for 500. u paid me only 300. maybe u forgotten about it, so i dun really care. it never fcukin mattered.

i love to be around u. ur such an only fren i hav around there in the ofc dat i love hanging out wit. the feeling of security to be around u made me feel kinda good. ur sucha a good fren, at least for me. no matter wat others r sayin about u. really, i dun care for all the problems u gav me. it never mattered. so pls, dun ever say shyte like 'rupanya ko simpan dalam..', coz its fcukin hurt.

i'bve told u it never mattered. it surfaced bcoz u've been acting a whole lot different. before dis i dun really care. really. plus - kalo aku terasa, bukannya sbg kawan - ko berhenti tembak. dah elok sket baru tembak balik? like we r always do. bila ko dah nangis, ada aku terus tembak ko? kalo ko tau aku terasa hati, ada ko terus tembak aku? we stopped talking those thg. we'll wait for a day or two, when we both of us moved on - baru tembak balik. like we always fo. so wats wit the change? argkh.

imagine - we've been best fren for like years - way back then since kita sama2 kat UniSel in Shah Alam. do u really think ur text about anticipation shldnt cut me like a blade slicing indefinitely dis bloody heart of mine? pls tell me dat i shldnt be mad, at all? i love wat we hav. as ur best fren - i really do love u as a fren. i cherish u. so pls - lets make up.

ok. tiber2 mcm sedih sgt. gampang sungguh. ok dats all folk. actualy i was thinkin about future and all dat sizzle but it seems dis mind-train ended up at the back of my head where all the deepest shyte jumbled up together.

hav a good rest, shyte heads. 

and its Sad-ur-day!

ok - its Saturday. and who works on Saturday? dun ask, coz i am not. and its been raining all day today - since yesterday morning, to be precise. no many ppl on the road as well. coz its Saturday. its an off day. and it raining, dammit.

but ere i am - in the ofc. aku hav to cover Psychology - Human Development at 2 rite till 5pm. yes. on Saturday. blerkgh. and thinkin about all the faces i will be havin in the class soon enuff to make me feel like.. eh, bley tak kensel je kelas ari ni, eh? mcm tu. imagine dis - after lunch. nap hrs. Saturday. rainy day. Psychology. Zombies. staring-at-u-sir-but-u-knw-hell-yeah-i-am-not-ere kinda thang. phewww.. tuff one.

maybe i shld shooo em all to the library. but then - r they gonna be there in the library God sake? its Saturday, mind u. or.. maybe i can cut short the whole thang. dis is no kiddo nye classes. they r all besar bagak, and they shld be doin self-directed learning way better now. but before off doin the SDL - they need some in-put as well, kan? ermm.. or, owh - i shld giv em some assignments. haaa.. bg tajuk, shoooo em off doin thgs on their own. how they do it, wat on earth they'll be doin - i dun hav to worry. the outcome dat matters. caneh? ok tak?

nah, its hundreds of em all. and aku not keen to mark all the assignments, seriously. so not me.

perhaps i shld jst go to the class, carry on wit the class - and try as good as i can to get all the stndts on the track - so at the end of the day; i am done wit mine, and they'll get wat they shld be gettin. ofkoz lah i wont go rite up till 5pm - dats so not me. aku dun believe in thgs like u sit down for hrs, and learn - thru out the allocated hrs. as long as they stdnts shld be gettin wat they shld - 30mins pun tak pe. nbdy can sit there like an Agong for whole 3hrs and listen to lectures.

and aku pun sama. wit voice like dis - darn i am gonna be a dead meat, surely hell.

and yes, its Saturday God sake. its Saturday. its raining hell yeah out there.

and trust me - i dun wanna be in ere, either! huwaaa..

Thursday, January 9, 2014


dear blog;

thank u for being ere. dis plain wall of urs is the beacon of light in the darkest time of my life. u repeatedly save my life from nihilistic tots and feeling helpless. ur surely a great therapy. ur there for me when i need some one to 'talk' to, and u never say 'no' to me. if u were a pic, it wld be 80% black, 10% red and another 10%  of grey. it isnt the best lookin color ever, but it is my color and i thank you for stickin wit me all these while. ur the one i turn to when i'm feelin down, alone and useless.

dis time no less.

is it bcoz i am askin too much of my life and from ppl arnd me? y is it these ppl arnd me keep lettin me down? and the worst part is dat - they do it unknwingly. i knw - life is a roller coaster. and teh fact is - i dun think i can hold on the ride anymore. i am gettin nauseated, confusin and i want a steady flet track instead of dis uphill-downhill-side slope kinda track.

perhaps - all these bcoz i keep xpcting great hgs from me - altho thru exterior expression i show no sign. deep down in my heart theres a lil boy still dat keeps hoping for great thgs to come.

i envy ppl. they hav the slightest good thang a day and i makes em happy. y is it dat i feel so greatly burden by dis world, not only my world but also others. i feel sad for ppl arnd me, i feel heavy wit everythg dat is happenin in dis world, and they make me feel helpless.

wld i become a great person, as great as the ppl i admired and read about in books? cld i? i am a lil bit too late for dat? or simply, wld i finally become the person i xpct myself to be?

y cant i wanted normal thgs like other ppl? y cant i be jst like others? i mean.. sigh. y i hav to want so many thgs dat i cant achieve unlike other ppl? y is it i care too much about everythg?

y lil thgs can hurt me?

y am i feelin like dis?

darn dis is a pic and its a pic of desperation and despair. and kinda depression.

Ya Allah - dis is a plea. and pls, pls help me.