Wednesday, December 31, 2014

u knw

















u reach a certain age where u learn how to walk thru a crowded party w/o stepping on anyone's feet. u reach a certain age where u learn how to wear the skin u've been given, wit a proud. 


u reach a certain age where u knw wat true and wats not. and u reach a certain age where u can look at ur relationships to other ppl completely objectively.


apparently.



and the past keeps goin.















after ur gone, ppl will forget ur name. no matter how important ur, it was, and ur face - no matter how pretty it was, and wat u said, ur words, no matter how clever any of it sounded.



the thgs u've done will crumble and fade and the places u once loved, will change and be given new names. they say they love u but then after ur gone, those loves gone as well.


ur only here for one moment and it lasts exactly one lifetime.








..














i love u like i love the sea.
but i am not OK wit drowning.








2014 -- 2015.











been a along time. its been like a month since aku last jot somethg in ere. u knw i always wanted to - but i cldnt find find the rite time, the rite words. same ol'shyte, i knw. 



life been very bz for me last coupla months. but i like the way it is. it occupied me alrite. the study. the exams. the works. the travelling. and the running as well. might be a lil bit too early to boost around - but i am proud of myself. dat i am running. s'thg dat i never tot of doin.



last day of 2014. a tough year. hold on - i dun mean to be kinda melancholic in ere - been seein like everybdys doin sort of re-cap wat ever not in my timeline (Twitter, FB, Instagram et al) but seriously i dun giv a shyte. a dun feel like doin it pun. 2014 for me was OK. new responsibilities, new possibilities. more unknowings, uncertainties. i learnt to enjoy life as it is - day after day - and stop to look way further, dat u mght forget to enjoy life to its bits. cant afford to look dat further anymore. i gotta enjoy every secs, every air, every lil bits in every day - as it is.



works gettin heavy. and aku start smbg study aku balik dis yr - shldve done dis way back then when aku still got lots of time in hand. not dat i regret it - cuma aku rasa.. i dunno. i shldve done dis way earlier. way fuckin earlier. and yes (sorry i hav to do dis again), dis year aku start to run. tak de la HM or FM (i will, insyaAllah!), but i started sikit2 dulu. kicked off dgn Gua Tempurung  Eco Challengeto We Run Sitiawan, and Ipoh Run, Putrajaya Urban Run, Petzl Nite Run and ended up wit Tiping Run. there were like 2 runs yg aku sepatutnya join, but i hav to called em off since clashed dgn keje and i had no say. sayang, since dah register bagai, i knw - sket je tu. but for me - its a very big step. i managed to challenge myself, overcome my fear and do thgs i wanted to do for a long time. and thgs i never tot of doin. and i did it! insyaAllah - more to come in year to come.   



shyte. did i jst do the re-cap thang..? argkh.



and dats running for real. in life - been 'running' around too. in circle. tired it is. but.. i do changed a lot,  for i wanted to. for good. betterment. for i knw life wont be like dis forever. u hav to change for good. and to change - u hav to start somewhere. i knw - u can giv me dat look.. but is ok. its me - myself. and i knw how it is. at least i am tryin. which it is makin me way better than u - who jst keep on givin dat kinda look and not even tryin.



and the headache - think i gotta live wit it. it is a pain in the arse, alrite. but i gez once ur a part of it, and u knw how to deal wit it - u'll get stronger. and u'll overcome it for sure.



ok lah - aku nak mandi. dah lunch time kot. cuti sejak Isnin - duduk rumah do thgs i never get the chance of doin in my ordinary days. tot of goin for a jog early in the morn., tak jadi since i cant help to get drown in bed dammit. and tot of goin to spend some time kat Lost World sebelah rumah aku neh - but tak jadik since dah bgun lambat and now dah dkt 1pm lbey.



so - if ur celebrating the new year - Happy New Year, fellas. may 2015 treat u good. treat us good, instead. 



Happy 2015 in advance, y'allz. 













Tuesday, December 9, 2014

love? FU.














ur salary is not love and ur word is not love. ur jealously is not love, and ur cannot let go attitude is not love either. ur clothes r not love and holding hand is not love. sex is not love, either a kiss is not too. long letters r not love and text is not love. flowers r cheap,so they aint love and a box of chocs too.



sunsets r not love,and photographs r not love. the star? no they r not. and a beach under the moonlight? they r fake and they r not love, obviously. the smell of someone's else on ur pillow is not love and the feeling of their skin touching ur skin is not love. 



heart-shaped candy is not love and an overseas holiday is certainly not one. the truth is not love and winning and argument is not love. the feeling of being able to prove ur other-half's mistakes is not love and keeping urself low and keep saying 'sorry' is not love either. warm coffee isnt love and cheap cards u bought from stores r not love. 



tears r not love and laughter is not love. a head ona shoulder is not love and msges written at the front of books given as gifts r not love. apathy is not love and numbness is not either. a pain in ur chest is not love. a lump u felt as ur breathing wit dat bloody fcukin hatred is in - dat is not love.and clenching ur fist wit full of anger,is absolutely not love.


and rain. they r not love.



but u. only u. u r love.






the world..














the world wld be easier is the homeless were all jst lazy and all they needed to do was jst get a fcukin job.


the world wld be easier if evil were a real thang, instead of jst confusion, misunderstanding, and misplaced desire.


the  world wld be easier if u cld jst be happy for wat u had, be grateful - while u had it. if u cld eat memories like flowers to keep ur bloody heart alive.


the world wld be easier if comfort din rest on the backs of the broken, if ur swimming pool was dug by soft hands dat never worked a day in their life.


the world wld be easier if we all jst got rich and famous and we were all each others's #1 fan.


the world wld be easier if u cld jst say watever in mind w/o giv a flyin fcuk of wat others wld say. and the world wld be certainly a good place to be in if u cld say 'A' and mean it, not 'B' or 'C'.


the world wld be easier if it were an automatic.


the world wld be easier.


but it isnt.


the world is hard bcoz it requires real human effort to make it turn. the world is hard bcoz u may wake up today but not trow, and yet no one will accept 'fear of death and futile existence' as a reasonable excuse to miss work.



the world is hard bcoz u will hav to fight for the thgs u love or worse, fight the thgs u love. the world is hard bcoz the thgs u love will kill u.




the world is hard bcoz it was made dat way by thousands upon thousands of hard me and no one wants to admit we hav no fcuking idea y we r doin the thgs we r doin anymore.


the world is hard bcoz its hard to forgive and even fcukin harder to forget. u may say it is OK for u dat u may forget, but the fact is - fcuk u.


the world is hard and u shld jst giv up, right now. jst kay down and die. thg will be easier.


but u dun.








Friday, December 5, 2014

..














there r a million ways to bleed.
but u r by far my favourite.


sigh.




Thursday, December 4, 2014

world around us.













for some reason, a long time ago - u and i sat down and said dat on dis day - we wld set everythg aside and try to find some common meaning in the chaos of the world around us.


so in spite of the ppl who will fight around u, the fmly members who'll argue, the one's who'll tell u is all a waste of time and money, and effort - on ur own or wit someone else, u go out there an u find a moment. 


one serene, beautiful moment when the world and everythg in it makes sense. its rare. and it doesnt get handed to u on a platter.


which is y u've got an entire day to look for it.

love is..













but love is none of these thgs. it wont suddenly make every day ok. it wont change who u r. it wont make urcar go faster.


and it doesnt even wash ur dishes, definitely.


all love is, is love. and dats all it needs to be.


really.






take 2.






urgkh. pesal paper anatomy jugak la yg budak2 neh fail eh? dah mcm jwb teori je. mcm tenuk kawen dgn cipan. w'pun bukan aku yg jwb exam, tp seriously aku muak. come on. last exam. repeat kot. jgn mahu kantoi lagi, k.


kantoi jgk ko balik la tanam tebu, ya?


btw, aku realized dis. aku ada satu unexplainable habit. when lookin at a couple, aku ended up grinnin in uscha way it made me like a fool. an idiot. urgkh. its everywhere actually. even in the FB. reading, stalking others conversation make me smile. comel. i mean - kalo tak over dan memualkan lah. lovey dovey pics, arguing in FB, watchin sweet innocent Korean drama's couple. o man. 


ok. puke now. pls.



it is so sick dat i wanna stick my fingers to my throat and vomit everythg out. bkn one finger, tp all the fingers, k. and projectile nye muntah.


i am disgusting. euw~ the only way to prevent dis is takin two forks and pointing out my bijik mata. Oppa Gangnam style. eh, silap. P Ramlee style. aku nak ckp lagi, tp si Ija kerani aku ni tak kasik ckp. sekian.


2 mins up!


*salur peranakan plak. pe b*bi neh!!



muka tak finish.









well, dis is not the first time. time aku dok sibuk mengatur graduan utk perarakan masuk dewan utama tadi, aku came across the sort of same conversation (i bet u've heard it before.. or u've conversed the same thang.. kan?)


dis one man mengeluh to hi fren upon seein dis one 'hot' gal (which is bagi aku.. erm.. tak la hot mana kot.. 3 out of 5. bagi aku. but mind u, preferences!) sedang berjalan dgn her boifren (i assumed) yg kureng sket dr segi rupa. 


mcm aku selalu ckp dlm kelas - muka tak siap. or tak finish. i mean - bukan la mamat tu. dats merely the words yg aku selalu guna. again - i am not labelling dat guy, hoccay!


'asal larr awek lawa suka kat muka rempit mcm tu.. kesian awek tu'


or perhaps;


'dah tadak laki lain ka sampai kena kapel dgn muka tongkang pecah lagu tu?'


mmg aku dah lama perasan ramai org lelaki sgt tak puas ati kalau pempuan lawa ada bf yg tak ensem. seriously. tambah2 plak yg dok angkut awek lawa tu pengkid. hahahaha


tp ironinya, aku selalu jgk perasan statement mcm kat atas tu biasanya dtg dr lelaki yang tak la ensem mana sgt.. or muka biasa-biasa je, yg nak jugak ber-gf perempuan lawa.


apa ko rasa eh? me? one word. sedih. bukan to dat guy yang tak siap tu. tp to the one yg complaining such. haha






argkh







imagine dis. ko tdo awal. assignments ko berlambak-lambak lagi tak siap, due sehari dua lagik. since ngantok ko tdo dulu. set jam. alarm bunyi ko meraba-raba masuk bilik air, celup jari dlm air, basahkan bijik mata ko. semangat tetap ada.


duduk je dpn laptop, semangat giler neh nak siapkan segala alam - bukak je laptop - terus kepala beringgut kiri kanan mcm kena rasuk since tetiber je ko ngantok balik. 


b*bi kan? argkh.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

30 Nov., abah.




abah,

i hav to do dis way earlier, for i dun thk i can survive the nite. i am so tired. and i need to crash early. rmbr when ur arnd, we - ur kids - were eager to pick the phone up and be the first to wish u? and me, being the eldest, i never fail to be the first. u'd go gigglin away and like 'abah dah tua..'. and u thanked me for the tot.

thgs r difrnt now. so difrnt since u left us behind.

abah, Selamat UlgThn Kelahiran, abah. kalo abah ada, u'd be 68 now. i knw, ur arnd - in our heart, our mind. and so.

thgs r a lot difrnt now, bt the love, the tot of u will always remain the same.

along syg abah. so much it hurts.

alfatihah.






Thursday, November 27, 2014

if u.











if u ever wake up, and think dat no one needs u - i do need u.


if u ever wake up, and think dat theres no love - i'll always love u.


if u ever wake up, and cant find ur purpose - i'll hold a candle and help u find it.


if u ever wake up, and dun knw who and y ur - i can tell u.


if u ever wake up, and dun knw y u bothered - i'll remind u.


and pls remember - and let me giv u reasons.






path.














i knw b'coz i've seen ur footsteps, s'times the roads gets so dark and u forget wat light was like. i knw, its easy to forget dat its jst the end of the day - not the end of u.


and if u'd let me walk wit u, i'll tell u dat it doesnt matter who u walk wit - as long as u walk dis road - well.








Tuesday, November 25, 2014

life.

















u may call dis life watever u wish to call it. an adventure. a journey. a trip. a road. a challenge. a call to arms.


be it watever u call it, we will call it history.


one day.





Sunday, November 23, 2014

watdya want?










ur unsure of wat the next step is. do u carry down the same path, again and again or u find a new one? if u go down the same old path, u'd go grumbling . and complaining. and if u try a new one, ru ready for it?


wat do u really want?


no one knws wat they really want. we listen to the voice inside our head and tells us wat we want but often, its wrong. we shldnt be listenin to the voice.


we shld be listenin to the silence.

speak.
















i want to listen to u. i wanna open the door. i want u to tell me ur story, like u used to - in ur own words. i wanna share mine either, coz i got a lot to tell. in my own words - not for other's. 


the books dun do it justice. and so does ur frens. or ur judgment, too.


i want u to mean wat ur say. i want u to show me. coz i am tired wit all those words, and words r nthg to me.


and i cant hear u. unless u speak.






always.














i will always remember you.
always.






ghosts.













the ppl u knw. the ppl u knew. and the ppl 
u not sure if u knw em anymore.

wat u've learned. 
ur memories. stories.
joy. sadness.

all these thgs, - these ghosts
come together to make up
nearly all of who and wat ur.

the last part of ur soul.
ur spark.
hope.
wish.


dat is beyond ghosts.





Saturday, November 22, 2014

nyte.











the moon. and the stars. they will guide u, but its ur heart
dat'll show u the way when u get there.


u gotta trust the sky.
and trust urself.


yes.
urself.





goodnyte.








Wednesday, November 19, 2014

how strong ur.



















u called me over when i was young and told me u wanted to see how strong i was. i was eager to impress u. and thus, i obliged. u told me to put my hand in front of my face and try to keep it there, wile u tried to pull it away.


i tot u was doin so damn well as i strained against ur arm. until u let go. and i hit myself so hard i ended up on the ground wit a bleedin nose.


u helped me up, after u'd finished laughing, and said, 'let dat be a lesson. trust no one.  no one at all. except u, urself. not even me.'


despite wat happened, there was more love in dat sentence than a thousand bed time stories.


i miss u, dad. alfatihah.








DWYD.
















y do u do wat u do? is it to impress those ppl around u? ur mum? ur dad? ur family? ur frens? ur lover?do u do it to make money? to live in a nice house and buy stuffs u want? to get thgs dat cant be scratched?


or u simply do it bcoz u love it. bcoz it lets u finish ur each day wit a broad smile on ur lil face and a good tot in ur mind.



'today i did the best i cld do. not bcoz i had to. bcoz i wanted to.'







..






wanna knw wat sadness is made of? try wakin up at 3am in the morn., alone in ur room while browsing ur notes wit tonnes of assignments to do. u cant do it in the day light coz ur workin. at nite ur so lembik all u knw is to jump into ur boxer and crash. crash means u cant really close ur eyes since u knw ko ada byk benda nak buat. u knw u can quit at anytime at all, but then again - u cant afford dat. time is runnin short and ur no younger everyday. 


:-/



i jst feel like to write dis.



 life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades.



maybe if i say it often enuff i wld believe it. its hard to do sthg and keep failing at it. dis, shortens life, definitely. 



life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades. life is more than passing grades.life is more than passing grades.



*sigh.








Monday, November 17, 2014

80's!







balik makan at mamak, aku rasa mcm nak buat sket asgment aku yg tak kunjung sudeh. bukak je laptop - aku jadi ngantok. sgt gampang. kalo tunda esk, makin byk. time is running out. tp seriously aku tada mood. siang keje mcm nak mamps kat ofis. ptg pi naik bukit bagai, malam terus mendap. 


bukak laptop nampak bantal. caneh.


and aku ended browsing my mp3 collections, again. aku cldnt remember since when aku mula download all those songs - semua genre ada. 70s, 80s, 90s, Top 40, one hit wonders dll. 


and aku decided to share a few wit u guys - these r among of my fav. owh, bw - mlm ni aku layan 80s je. best. teringat zaman skol tadika, smpai msuk primary skol. aku tau kalo ko dgr and lagi teruk kalo tgk clips dorang - ko akan gelak. tp turst me - those r way much better dr lagu skang yg mcm.. hahaha





Boy Meets Girl;
Waiting For The Stars To Fall.





Starship;
Sara.




Gloria Estefan;
Rhythm Is Gonna Get You.




Madonna;
Starlight.





Spandau Ballet;
Through The Barricades.


 


Depeche Mode;
Enjoy The Silence.





Madness;
Our House.




U2;
With or Without You.
(seriously my fav!!)




Icehouse;
Electric Blue.




Human League;
Human.




Johnny Hates Jazz;
Turn Back The Clock.





Mike & The Mechanics;
The Living Years.
(i cant thinking of my dad, wit dis song..)





The Bangles;
Eternal Flames.





Cheap Trick;
The Flame.






i cld list em all down, all nite long. but i wont. some of em bring back the pain, some of em bring on the smile. i am off crashing. which mean - no assignment tonite.


goodnyte ppls!








Sunday, November 16, 2014

PBIM2014? nay, its Ipoh International Run 2014.






16 Nov. 2015, 6.45am.



i did dis again - it was my second Ipoh International Run 2014, today. i remember participating the same event coupla yrs back. but dis time around - i am on my own. running alone,  is completely a different feeling - rather than u hav frens to share  the surging adrenaline wit. but its ok - i managed to finish it up good.


personal time - kinda tak manis to compare wit my We Run Sitiawan  months back. it was like 1hr 18mins for 10km. and out of anthg at all - seriously aku tak perasan yang the medal wld be given to the first 200 runners, in Men Open. and yeap - being at dat particular time, watdya expect? 


aku bawak balik sijil je. and a lil bit of hati nan membengkak. hahaha


nah, i wanna be realistic in here. malas nak bermuka2 and full of hypocrisy. mmg aku lari to get the medal. it'd be a great motivation for me, God sake. to be better. to wanting for more. and ofkoz - aku lari utk kesihatan, utk kurus, utk kill time, for sort of diversion.. wat else? u name it cpt. they r all in the list, trust me. huhu


but then again - aku ok je. last time Ipoh Run yg sama jgk, aku dpt sijil je. shldve kept in mind dat they r providing medal for the finishers, as allocated. again, as allocated. so kalo ko lari dlm kategori yg ramai org, and ko number 500 - ko still nak menjerit2 tak dpt medal?


mmg tak lar.. hahaha


but i feel good. seriously aku enjoy. running in the early morn., wit thousands of hypermanic ppl. running lintang pukang mcm kamben kuar kandang. i love dat feeling. and lari ramai2 mcm ni ko tak rasa penat. sekejap je dah settle - w'pun ko lari terkedek2. beza dgn lari sorang tiap2 ptg tu. menangis sementara nak abes. 


ok. itu melampau. 


and btw - IIR2014 seriously tenggelam since PBIM2014 ari ni jugak. bygkan 60k lari on the jambatan. sah2 berapa ketul je yg stay back lari kat Ipoh neh. and i read somewhere ramai yg bengang and kensel lari for IIR since clash, and they chose PBIM instead. me? ermm.. since aku awal lagik dah reg IRR, kowser la nak refund bagai. w'pun event tertunda few months (since Sultan Perak mangkat), gigih aku lari jugak. cuma rasa pelik sket kot. its shld be IIW2014 kot - Ipoh International Walk 2014, since ramai yg muda2 mekap mcm nak pi Mydin, wit beg besar2 mcm wtf lari dr rumah, wit kasut mcm nak pi menjalang.. jalan saing ramai2 pegang tangan. eh, ko pi pasar or ko lari? again, lantak la. since dorg byr kot. kan?


and the rest of the day, aku spent at home. ngadap notes, assignments, jurnal, SPSS and all those shytes. i was tired, tp bila baring mata terkebil2 tak bley tdo. i hope i'd go crashing better jap lagik.


for those yg run for PBIM2014, congratulation. and for those yg run for IIR2014 - tahniah jgk lah. and yes - tahniah to myself, as well. 


i hav nthg to prove to anyone at all - except to myself. 









see, aku Finish.
hahahaha






pic seblm lari.
belakang tu jamban bergerak.






note to myself;
sila jeles.
huhuhuhuhuhu





Friday, November 7, 2014

life is..














life is a journey.


so walk and pick thgs up as u go. nthg too heavy. nthg too lite. wiegh each item against ur will, ur soul and if it measures up - then u take dat wit u. and if it makes u weary or it loses its significance - then maybe its about time for u to leave it behind for someone else to find. we never knw it'd do good to others.


once decided, keep only dat which u need. and move on.





four thgs.














remember to learn four new thgs, everyday.


somethg about urself. somethg about the ppl u love. somethg about the world. and somethg about a stranger around u.


and u'll never go wrong.








wats ur gift?





 








back when i was in school, i hate reading (er, i still am.. i think). i mean - thgs change. i really hav to read nowadays and i hav no choice seriously. and how ironic it is, now dat i am readin i still got sorta bad grades. haha.. back when i was in school, i cld do all week read nthg and got-in-ur-face results. well i gez karma really is a bitch. it will get u eventually.


i hav papers in BM. i read each of the antalogi's though. the ones wit sastera in it, puisi, sajak, cerpan and all shytes innit. where they r shorter and simpler than the novels. and being around in the fmly, i had been served wit patriotic novels to no end, and twisted wtf.. i rather not say.


i never finished any of the books. y bother when u can get the essence in some reference books? kan? i rmmber throwing kapal terbang kertas from our second flor - jst bcoz it was boring and wit hope of doin so - the story wld be so much cooler.


but dammit. it din.


how do they xpct stdnt to actually read and suddenly outburst wit the needs to xpress their patriotism when they failed to get the stdnt's attention in the first place? i can see dat clearly now - now dat i am teaching as well. u gotta be interesting hell yeah, to pull all the attention rite on board. kalo ko ngajar SS and mcm gampang, ko xpct stndt nak pay attention? mcm tu? mmg tak la.. 


s'time i believe dat our education system looked good on the paper, but they certainly forget to include the human in it. the anomalies of human creation itself.


and there i go again. crapped crapped crappity crappier crappiest crap.


and btw - i i hav frens who were talented in various ways. one who pinned down her arse and read for the longest hrs in the whole wide world. i hav one who can stand hrs crunching numbers and wats not, one can read all and remember details, one has nice singing voices and hiding it, one can speak in public really well and make ppl jst go wit watever not the idea is and u cannot get back at, i hav a fren who can make jokes and u feel like so happily ever after wit him around, one loved history (euw) and hav it for breakfast and so and so.


i tried to find mine. i mean - my talent. the only one i found so far is - i knw how to write. a bit. itu pun not all the time. which s'times is annoying. and when i was in school, i tried to write karangan and essays and masuk all sort of pertandingan - and i never win a thang. seriously. i remember took a place in pertandingan menulis karangan in my local library. i tot i write it good. my full effort. and the result was - mine was not even mentioned by anyone at all. and the gal dat i hate the most in the class, menang. i walked back home crying. i was 7yo back then.


erm, i am always average. nver the best. sometimes the worst. i gez dats my gift, eh? :-/

i pity u.








i pity u.


u live in a world where almost everyone has somethg bad to talk about u, a world where u hated the ppl around u (yet u never learn how to treat others well), but u hav no choice. a world in which no one to tell u how wrong u can get, a world of fake in which u tot ur the best, the brilliant-est, and every shld comply wit ur so-called morality, ur the king. or queen? where ppl shld be listening to u, go along wit ur creepy tots. u, u dun dun realize dat ppl dun giv a fcuk wat u do, they do not afraid of u, they do not listen to u. u think u hav frens but all ur frens r smiling in front of u yet talking shyte about u - coz yeah, u did the same to em all, too!


a world in which ppl, hav their own lives, and dat does not involve u. a world in which u think u own but ur owned.


and u still cant read between the line.


i pity u.







now.












some day it seem like it'll never end. never, at all. like theres jst to much to do.


the reality of the situation is - u'll never be finished. if u finish all the work u've got to do  - u'll find even more to do. and u can never really reach dat end.


until dat day, when u really gone. for good.


so accept dat. be ok wit it. find the peace ur lookin for, in the now. dis is the moment.


right now. every now.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

nyte.











dear u,


lets pretend we r artists and everythg we feel, touch is somethg new to be proud of. lets take our imaginary frens on a double date and ditch em in a movie and hope they'll get along while we smooch on the sidewalk. lets take the dream u mumbled in ur deep sleep and paint a child's nursery.


and if we dun finish today, we've always got trow.. sigh.


gdnyte.





kill u.















never leaving ur house, will kill u. stayin put at where ur and being afraid, God sake will kill u. pecking at new notifications icon on ur social media platforms of choice, cycling thru em like a series of surreal bloody fridge doors - dat mght contains sthg better since u last looked - dis is wat will kill u second by second, until u realise u hav none left.



ur far more likely to die from fear and apathy, from not having lived and fulfilled the multitude of promises dat u make urself, each nite before u fall asleep - then anythg else.



duncha think so?














..


















one day, when i'm finished - i'll look at u and say, "here r all the thgs u said i cldnt do.", and seeing u telling others "there r so much i wanna say.. i wanna tell.. i wanna do..".


sigh.





wat makes u happy?














i cld die as a happy man, wit dis.






wat makes u happy, really? some other ppl? u urself? tell me. i wanna knw.


frankly speakin - its subjective. its how u see thgs. and its wat u want in life, seriously. how u see urself, and the world ur living in. some ppl they need all the big thgs in life to make em happy. some of us cling on others - how others treat us, wat others thnk of us - to make ur day better. and some of us appreciate everythg thg - every lil thgs around us, coz they believe those r thgs u can hang on to - to make us happy.


as for me - i used to cling on others, so dat i'll be happy. i believe the more expensive, the better looks, the more good words ppl showered u wit - the happier i'd be.



and i gez i am moving away from dat, gladly. bit by bit. i knw how hard it is clinging on someone, hoping for others to make u happy. sometime it happens. but most of the time it crushed u like hell. i knw how all those beautiful thgs, expensive thgs put u at the top of the world (and thus make u happy), but it wont last long. definitely. and i knw, too - how all those beautiful words showered on u every now and then (let alone how sincere it is - dats sthg else).. those r just words. words can come easy. and words sometime mean nthg at all. wait till ur no one, and no one will put all those beautiful words on u - anymore. 


they even forget about ur existence, God sake.


thus i started to believe in all those small, petty thgs dat makes u happy. all those unrecognised, left alone thgs around u, in fornt of u and u never address em properly.  a jar of Nutella wld me happy (i knw - someone said to me 'ur so cheap Shah! a Nutella?'). peanut butter. beautiful smiles around u. a nice, warm greetings starting ur day. simple text messages, even replyin to ur earlier text pun tak pe. a simple short calls - asking 'how ru' sort of thag. a bright day - so u can run u shyte out. or every single thgs made easy by Allah Taala. ur works ended up well. went to work while ur hating it - knwing others wldnt get the chance doin thgs ur doin. and a lot more.


i found ease and calm in em all. its all about thgs and u, urself. its about all those simple, petty thgs. y bother expecting others or all those big thgs to make u happy, while u can do it urself? for eg; smile to others and greet em well - and by receiving the same - wldnt dat makes u feel better? i gez i can giv u tonnes of examples, if u want to. thgs dat u knew it urself, but perhaps - u never address em well. u knw wat i mean.


---


btw, marking dat start dis morning. awal2 pg lagik aku dah kelam kabut dgn arrangement taklimat for the markers. Me Cheah awal pg dah smpai. Mr Hari and Puan Aini my TP(P&K) awal2 pg dah non-stop telefom aku tnya dis and dat. and thus - aku berlari2 anak mcm tak cukup lantai..


and now baru aku dpt some time to sit down and easy my heals. seriously aku rasa nak tido je.. sigh.


and assignments? duh.