Tuesday, December 31, 2013

happy new year 2014!!







i knw, its the end of 2013. within coupla hrs from now - 2013 will jst a history. and ere we go - 2014 is in. and within coupla hrs from now, as well - thgs goin to be chaotic, bising wit screaming ppl, fireworks and such. before thgs will get back to usual - few hrs after dat - and the rest of the life will go on, as usual.


i wont be doin a flash back, or watsoever. as for me - 2013 is kinda tough for me. leaving me wit so many thgs to remember, and it has changed my life, my whole life dat is. thgs r not goin to be the same, and i gez  theres no use of lookin back. i was bz, so bz throughout dis year - wit work, life, struggling wit thgs, future. i was happy - i felt like havin the whole world for myself, dat all my dreams finally came true - before suddenly some unexpected thgs turned up; and the whole thg, i mean - the whole dreams, hopes, everythg shattered into pieces. i was sad, i was so down like never before. i was torn apart - until i realised dat even if i cry shyte out - thgs jst not goin to be the same again. until  i realised dat - i gotta stand up, and move on wit life - and take thgs as it is.


u never knw how it is - when all ur dreams, ur wish, ur hopes - were rite there in ur hand, and it was like jst an inch away to make it real - and suddenly u gotta back off, forget the whole thang. completely. u wanna go wit it still, but u jst cant. and u gotta decide between the two, while both of the decision will hurt u tremendously. 


now - wit dis 2014 real soon - frankly speakin; i dun really hav dreams to dream on. perhaps i gotta try my very best to prove dat i am worth a while, and thgs will at least - will get better. works r gettin harder, life is gettin tougher. and me - i gotta no choice but to move on. 


and deep inside of me - i still havin question of  "y me?". and i knw - it will never hav the answer.


but havin all dat - i am not sayin dat i am givin up. i am not. as long as i am standin tall, as long as i am breathin alrite - i wont giv up. not a bit. i still hav dreams to catch. 


and i still hav a life, to live.


---

owh, btw - ok, dis is the cliché part. i wish u Happy New Year. its 2014, mind u. i wish u all the very best in dis whole wide world. i wish dat all ur dream, all ur hope will come true in days to come. in year to come -to be precise.


and i need u to wish me the same, too. to pray the very best for me, at least.


HAPPY 2014, guys!



---







and owh, for the new year eve? i jst stay home. cooked for myself, hav the whole sup sayur indront of the idiotbox - a movie after another. no, i wont be goin out for i never do so, and i am not kinda guy to be pushed around in the crowd while i can hav all the space to myself, at my own ease, at home.


haih. all the mercun dah berbunyi. u hav a good year ahead, peeps!









Sunday, December 29, 2013

..














It's Been A While
(Staind)




And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry









Saturday, December 28, 2013

life is..














January soon. i knw - we still hav days to go. haih. as i am steppin into a 'real' adulthood, yrs of glorious breathing, walking, surviving, i like to think myslf as more matured and more adult than before. say, its been a long time since someone asked me how old i am. i mean - hold on, not dat long ago i think. coupla days back, to be precise. huh. dat has to be weird when i asked the other person to giv it a guess - and the answer was like, expected. omaigosh - shld i reveal the truth? i am so old. God its so ridiculous. how time flies so fast. i mean - i barely cleaned off the stains of young-hood and now i am.. dammit. dis is so depressing.


ok, dat phase out. see son, i am .. and i like to see myself and considered myself of serious and experienced. i think. so, there is a great tips on how to lead and keep a happy life i wanna share wit u. 


no bulshyte. 


well, i mean - if ur one aspiring person and u see ppl around u and u think - hey, y these ppl r happy? i mean - we r each day every morn get up and putting and risking our lives on a thread jst to ended up being disappointed? if u hav dat kinda experience, welcome to a whole life of disappointment and depression.


as u may knw, life is not peachy and fruity as u had imagined while ur a kiddo. its tuff, mind u - hard and unfair. its muck like the dining hall lady who refused to giv u extra wings.. xcpt in the end u get a wing but in life u'll get nthg. seriously. yes. maybe, once in a blue moon - u'll get lucky and somethg happening to u, but count ur blessing son - bcoz its not gonna be long. trust me.


so son - heres the tips. dun look at pictures of happy times (eg; vacations, dinners, havin crazy times etc) when thgs go flat, rite on the ground. it'll jst make u sad. way terrible than u ever think. make u wonder where the time goes. sigh.


ok. dats all for now. i am goin to jump into the shower, and cont my readin these articles on Tunisian revolution - bcoz i hav a great feelin dat it'll sooner dawn on us the youth dat maybe the same thang cld happen to our country. i sure do cross my fingers - the current government is too boringly arrogant and above the cloud to heard us humans.


hav a good rest, peeps!









cheat-day.






woke up from a nap - 3 hrs nap (or is it a 'nap'?) and i am feelin darn hungry, i literally can eat a horse now. and i hav dis one thang on my mind - KFC. erm, lapar2 neh pekena KFC sedap weh.


so lets? after all its Saturday. Saturday is a cheat-day. i can eat watever i want to, if i really want to.


erm, bkn tiap2 ari ke cheat-day?


damn.













haaaa..
dis wld be nice aye?







Jess-wtf-Tures.











gd day, dear readers. its time for mind bending writin since i slept for only like 2hrs, last nite. and aku still mengantuk now. i gez dats enuf for me to generate some idea regardin on somethg. i believe in gesture. i believe in body language way better than ur sweetest, diabetic sweet kinda words. i cld define gesture as a body language of human instinct. pardon me if i go deep into dis sort of topic. i always believe, spy is one of the best profession i've ever knw apart scientist and skydiving instructors. seriously - skydiving instructors r awesome. excuse me - ehem. tak lah, ko jgn harap aku nak ber-skydiving la kot. as u watch a movie about spy - esp the serious ones - u cld see dat they hav plenty of techniques in reading human gesture. and forgive me - for forgettin the father of all superb observin and deduction skills - Sherlock Holmes. u knw wat i am talkin about if u read Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's books. 


dats for today's intro. now, let us dive in, shall we?


acquiring dis sort of skills in nthg but easy. it requires dedication, hard work and even practise. u gotta love doin the 'ppl watching'. a lot of em, and u will. humans tend to be comfortable wit their life. hence, producing numerous of habits and gestures in life. they become sooo predictable. so ur scared now? hahaha.. jst by lookin at ur wrist - i can deduce dat ur a geek, a gamer or even a obsessive stalker. i am not makin dis up God sake, and everythg i've written is based on facts, practice or at the very least - chain of words takes from books.


i am not goin tio write the heavy stuff. all dis espionage shyte. an analyst or some mght say. i am goin to go wit the simpler ones.


first thg first - hittin on a gal. or saper2 lah. when ur flirting wit a gal, first impresion is a must. well, u knw the rest. but by observing the behavior u mght get a heads up wats on ur way. if u see a gal cryin, u do not want to be a stupid idiot kinda bad guy and interrupt her and her teary eyed session wit a bloody "hi" or "hello", instead - u shld be caring enuf and giv her ur perfume-soaked-handkerchief. sopme may say..


"heh, dis is boring.. aku pun tau dowh!"


i am glad to inform u dat ur wrong. dats becoz when the time comes, u will chicken put, hav some kinda panic attacks and u'll end up blabbering in front of her and end up as a nuisance rather than becoming dat one guy she needed the most. i am jst being stereotypical. or coz lah, dis sort of technique can be used for guy-hit-on-guy. its jst an example and i am jst bein one cliche MOFO. oh, geez. i am sorry.


well, to be frank, theres more into it. for instance, u'll look at her face, the clothes, the sound she's making, the ring on her finger, the smudge on her eyes, and other sort of thgs. dis help u guys in makin a proper execution on hittin on chicks. ok, again - i am jst bein a one cliche MOFO. watever lah. my point is, dat bein said - u dun wanna be hittin on gals whos crying. esp when they r cryin while eatin a box of choc. they r nthg but trouble. trust me. unless shes cute like Zooey Deschanel, heh - trust me - u dun wanna be next to her.


movin on, by readin those simple gestures - u mght get wat u want in life. if u see a gal keep smilin at u, dat wld be a reason for u to hav a date wit her for the second time. well, dats an example to begin wit. how about, after like three or five times goin out for a date wit her - u realised dat she was bz texting someone else? so how do u knw shes into u? well, my job is not to fcuk u up, but sir -  if u can live wit dat - keep on doin wat u wld do best, grabbin her attention. but if dat doesnt work - u fcukin dump her. easy rite? 


i knw - dat mght sound cruel, but dats the way it is.


the point is - readin someone's gesture is tiresome but it does giv u the advantage of predicting wats happen next. life is a puzzle. some said its a chess game. no, i hate chess. puzzle je lah, senang. its all about taunting, provoking disaster and be prepared for any counter measures. dats wat life is. havin a bloody backup plan. Plan B if ur on Plan A. and Plan C if Plan B mcm tak menjadi. and above all, is havin the passion to thrive watever thg or obstacles life giv u. dun get me wrong - some may said i sounded like a liberal minded guy. i assure u i am not. i believe in God and i do believe theres sthg in life. God do not gav us a plain life. The Almighty surely gives tonnes of adventures and excitement even when its said to be temporary. becoz as for me - i believe the rewarding after life will be so much better dat anythg ur even seen.


wait. i am side tracked wit religion. u hav urs, i hav mine, lets stick wit dat.


i tot i was goin to write sthg about r/shp, but i dun wanna be bothered wit stupid uncivilised problem which is now happening around us.


i jst wanna giv a piece of my mind. i was talkin about readin others; gestures. but at the same time, theres one thg about gestures dat hav equally importance wit the ability of readin gestures.


and wat is dat?


givin other ppl ur own gestures. the proper gestures. givin other ppl dat proper vive. if ur thankful, u giv dat soft look, dat slow gesture of handshake, and soft voice sayin "thank you" and other stuff. i knw its easy stuff, but believe me - ppl hav been livin for thousand of yrs, and some of em become the mockery of our society. wat? u dun knw the courtesy of givin the free seats in LRT to the ones who need the most? puttin ur own fcukin bags occupyin another seat next to u? runnin in a highly populated area and budgin their body along the way, to make it worse ko tak reti2 nak mintak maaf? maybe ko bodoh. or maybe mak ko tak ajar. but then again - nowadays human r condescending. 


u knw wat i hated the most? when we do help frens in need. they fcuked u upside down, rite on ur bloody face. u helped em, u cherished em, dammit wat do u get - a fcukin stab on the back. ye, i knw - we shldnt hav dat high hope to get such in return. but then again.. haih. some ppls choose to be mean. i dun understand the logic in dis. y? jst bcoz theres a lot of friggin bad ppl out there, so does dat justify of becoming as arsehole jst like em? i hated when u hurt others' feelin. i really dun care if u use bad words. i believe the lines r thinned out. theres no exact ruler of bad words. everythg can be used as long it is suitable wit the situation.


so my advice is - gesture is important. action speaks louder than word - as ur dad told u so. 
u need not to sell ur sweet words around, while ur gestures r sayin somethg else. 
and dun be a bitch. but if u really want to 
- dun go bitchin about it to other ppl.



ok. dah panjang berjela. fcuk dat. aku nak mandi, solat. and tido.


hav fun, peeps!











Friday, December 27, 2013

Gravity, Coldplay.











owh.
dis is the song for the day
i love Coldplay. and i found dis to be the best.
melancholic - dats the word.

enjoy!






goodnyte, peeps!






aku Jumaat di Masjid Batu 8 ari ni. a bit jauh dr rumah - but its alrite lah. aku basically free today. lagipun Masjid Batu 8 besar, selesa. plus selalunya seblm Jumaat akan ada kuliah ugama, since aku smpai awal - aku jst duduk and dengar je kuliah dis ustaz on 'maaf memaafi' or somethg like dat. kinda good, lama jgk since aku tak dtg dis masjid.


gym by 5pm. since stdnts tadak - i had the whole floor to myself. and Miss Chuan dtg sekejap, kayuh2 static bike wit phone in her hand - jerit2 talking to me wit the music playin out loud. aku jst 'owh', 'yes', 'ye lah' w/o knowing the real thang shes talking about. one thg about me - kalo kat gym - u need not to break the ice watever not, coz i kinda not liking it. its my time, and the time is short - its not like aku hav the whole day at the gym. i need to sweat out, and dats about it. 30mins later, she left - and aku left alone. 


aku jst jst lari on the treadmill, for like an hr and sit up sket. lately ni bdn aku mmg dah naik. tensen seh. tgk2 gmbr lama dulu - aku tau aku mmg kurus mcm malnutrisi. i dun wanna be dat kerempeng pun. and i dun wanna be dis fat either. er, maybe 'fat' is to harsh. i dun wanna be dis big. sigh. sound proper, eh? 


darn its the same.


i gez i need some motivation. i've been using all sort of apps on the phone, went thru Kevin Zahri's manual etc, yet no changes. and seeing other coming up wit all kinda new image - i feel like killing myself. heh. aku tak nak la bdn berketul2 kot. aku jst nak a proper weight for my height ni je. yg tak brp nak tinggi neh. and a bit tone plus a bit of shape. dats all. and the problem wit me now is - mkn. aku pyh sgt nak control mkn. and to be frank - aku tak la mkn mcm kuda pun. aku stick to minimum 3x sehari. tp tatau la.. so frustrating.


if u do wat i am doin for life now - as a pengajar, in medicine plak - i think u'd agree wit me. talk about role modelling. and such. i believe dat i need to look good. look good not in the sense of good lookin, tp look good, sharp and healthy. aku refused to be like others yg talk about healthy life-style, all sort of diseases while u urself - stdnts r makin jokes on u since there ur standing in front of em all, wit perut jauh ke depan, havin all kinda diseases in ur pocket - and ur lecturing about how to be healthy, how to prevent diseases and such. adoi. so tak btol.


7pm aku dah kat rumah - sweating like a pig. mandi, solat, lite dinner, solat again - and now ere i am.



---


i knw sehari dua neh byk entries. i knw i used to say dat kalo byk entries - dat means aku serabut and need to vent out badly. and if i went mum for ages - and dat wld be somethg else. aku cuti dis whole week. masuk ofc sekejap2 je. aku spent a lot of time at home - do thgs i love of doin, thgs i did not manage to do while i am working. gardening, reading, and writing. maybe i had too many thgs in mind, nothg in particular pun. or maybe - since i had all the free time in the world - and mind starts to wander all over - and i vent out. 


trust me - when i sit down and read all the entries - again - some of em dun really make sense pun, but who cares? maybe u shld not, coz i dun either.


u see - even now dat i am writing dis - i still hav thgs in mind dat i think i shld send dis first, and start writing again. sigh. but then again - udah2 la kot. esok2 plak.


eh?


---


gdnyte.














see the botak head at the back?
seriously - dat is my head. hahaha







the fat me.
blergkh.







traces u leave behind.







i dun follow the trend of keepin it short. i love mine elaborated, in neat details and all -even the most simplistic has details in the color, design and feeling. over? lantak ko lah.


but heres come the catch - i am not a particular person. i can oversee wat i hav in front of my bloody eyes, literally and figuratively. maybe the habit of taking a step backward and see the whole big picture - or portrait bcoz i like portrait more (hiks), is finally backfired.


its like when u taking one step backward too many times - u lost it, and u kinda see the whole thgs as, well - good.


but its depressing to go into details. really, it is. i am not sure about u, but it is - lately, for me. try for urself if u dun believe me. u see - everythg u've done so far in ur life, leaves traces. on ppl, on thgs, on time. they do and they will haunt u one day when u least xpcting em to. they r like ghosts in a rumah hantu, u knw they'll come but i still helluva in a shock when they come.


no. not wit dat stupid Villa Nabila and all those bangang nyer story, i am sorry.


some day i'll learn dat it is true dat some ppl r not destined to be great. they not destined to be in the textbooks or Forbes' 10 Most Inspiring Figures, or US Weekly 10 Hottest in Bikini. kinda thang. but i believe, everybdy leave traces of their deds on ppl, on thgs. and time. and these traces affected ppl - for some, greatly. 


and maybe wit dat optimistic naive thinkin - everybdy can be great.


incldng me.



*yawn*










not-so-cool.










i am jst so unhappy. and i dun knw how to tell, or how to express it out well. i am surprised at how i handle all these thgs. i dun say i handled it pretty well so far - but i handle em and got em in my hand nonetheless. so true - u wont be tested wit somethg beyond ur ability. and dat mankind is strong creature - dats how we survived plagues and climate changes and alien invaders.


alien inveders? watever lah.


sometimes - i do hope there is a parallel universe where i can be whereever or whoever i wanna be. where i can choose wat i want w/o any obligations or the notion dat i supposed to. where i'm some kinda tall, cool, handsome and less-hitam kid who everyone wants to be wit, and to be become.


to those kinda guys - live well my king. u enjoy, i will hold as long as i can. dammit.



---




erm, on leave and nthg to do - left my brain wit lots of thgs to think. i gez dis is not-so-cool. perhaps i need to go out for a while.









Friday.







by 8.20am, aku dah smpai kolej. yes - aku still on leave, but then again aku hav like 4hrs of classes nd aku refused to re-scheduled. since aku ada je kat ipoh neh, i think i'd rather pi sekejap, get done wit the hrs and off balik smbg cuti. started the class rite on, since smlm lagik aku dah janji nak start kelas at 8.15am. 


and the tot of by 12.15pm baru bley balik rumah - thank God, by 11am aku dah kat rumah. the stndts asked me if they can jst stay back and get the done wit hrs - tak payah break 30mins in between - well, dammit i am glad. tak pyh aku merayau and dtg balik to finish up the rest of the hrs.


get done wit Stratification and Socialisation abes - off aku let go the stdnts out of the class. its Friday after all - watpe ko nak contain stdnt2 tua neh - while ko tau otak masing2 dah kat kg? its Friday weh! above all, i am glad to see em all glad as well.


singgah kedai bawah pokok, hav my capati dua kpg sorg2. kinda sucks to hav meals on ur own, alrite.


smpai rmah - iron baju Mlyu for Jumaat. aku cant help to think of abah - how each time, each Jumaat - kalo aku kat kg; he'd asked mak to ask me iron baju melayu dia wit kain pelikat. and aku dun mind.. since aku mmg jenis suka iron baju. and iron baju melayu abah - u need to knw the tactics and such. kolar kena iron btol2. tgn baju kena lipat 3 kali, then iron bagi kemas. since abah tak suka lipat tgn baju and then nanti it went melorot tak kemas etc. kain pelikat pun kena iron bagi kemas. i knew it all, and i gez dats y he loved it then. aku cant help to feel sayu think of all dat. 


done wit it - aku feel like to call mak and talk about it. and only then aku decided not to. aku put down the phone thinkin dat wldnt be a good idea. wat if mak sedih? wat if i make her re-call all such memories and mak nanges? sigh. 


and by the urge of sharing dat tot wit someone - aku finally sit down ere, ngadap lappy - and dis is wat i do. 


i am not sure if it'd be meaningful to u - but i gez it'll help me a bit..


..











..









Gravity
(Coldplay)





Baby
It's been a long time coming
Such a long, long time
And I can't stop running
Such a long, long time
Can you hear my heart beating?
Can you hear that sound?
'Cause I can't help thinking
And I won't stop now

And then I looked up at the sun
And I could see
Oh, the way that gravity pulls on you and me
And then I looked up at the sky
And saw the sun
And the way that gravity pushes on everyone
On everyone

Baby
When your wheels stop turning
And you feel let down
And it seems like troubles
Have come all around
I can hear your heart beating
I can hear that sound
But I can't help thinking
And I won't look now

And then I looked up at the sun
And I could see
Oh, the way that gravity pulls on you and me
And then I looked up at the sky
And saw the sun
And the way that gravity pushes on everyone
On everyone
On everyone

On everyone
On everyone
On everyone



---



goodnyte.



sigh.







Thursday, December 26, 2013

..






Let Her Go
(Passenger)




Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
And you let her go (oh, oh, ooh, oh no)
Will you let her go?

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

'Cause you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go

And you let her go







..
















found these pics in a folder while i was looking out for somethg. aku tersentak sekejap. normally i was jst look at it as it is, but today - i took a while and really look at em all. and i had tears in my eyes.


aku rindu abah, i never stop from havin such tot hitting my skull. i wanted  to hav him back - tho i knw i wont be possible. i jst.. i jst miss him terribly.


been yrs now, and i am still struggling wit dis. so many thgs left undone between me and abah. theres so many thgs i want to tell him, to ask him and wanna share wit him.


along rindu abah. al-fatihah.










Wednesday, December 25, 2013

some place else..














i wanna be some place else, rite now. i wanna be in some kinda economy class train travelling to other part of the country. i wanna be in a dodgy or expensive bus; i dun really care which one but my time do, to some island, or mountains. or forest. and i dun wanna drive.


i dun wanna be stuck in the same place for months. years. waiting life to happened, swarmed myself wit the wonderful virtual images from around the bloody world or close to my home and wanting to go there but dun, when the world is happenin - out there, rite now!


i wish for a late nite self-reflection session wit my feet dipped into the sand, laying on the beach wit the soft sand caressin my back, so i can count the stars (sigh) and gaze into the dark space, into myself. i wanna hear the sound of waves crashing softly, the sound of wind bringing the news from a world across - tellin its story. i wanna be on a bed in some comfy cheap hotel, ready to go to sleep - wit a tired body and huddled mass - but so happy for the adventure i've had during the day, and close my eyes wit a smile - hoping another great adventure trow morn.



i wanna see the faces of travellers from around the world, gathered in a place some ppl believe scared, some ppl jst appreciate it jst becoz its some kinda magical and beautiful. where each and every one of em has the same reason - to escape. i want my time to run slow - so i can catch all the thgs i left behind, and i'll hav enuff space to deal wit everythg.


i wanna be some place else. anywhere pretty but ere.


sigh.






..















and so i hope they all rot in hell.
forever.










and my core is too..












sometimes, we forgot how strong we r. mankind r incredible, magnificent race. we r from million yrs of evolution and revolution - we r consisted of the perfect combination of brute strength and wisdom. we hav seen how we conquered the world, displaced other species and races in the process, jst becoz we can. yes. jst becoz we can. as a species, we r much up there. we hav system, viable, understandable system - unlike any other knwn creature. of coz - we hav seen stupidity prevails in lines of human heritage - but at the end of the day, we hold on ne principle in which we silently agreed upon - the fittest will survive, and the weakest will get behind and left to fend for emselves. i knw, dats hurt. but then, dats the way it is.


as a social animals, we need each other to grow and expand, in most magical way.


to be honest - i hav never really been tested. i mean - perhaps i've been thru all shitty thang, but i knw theres a lot of worst thgs out there, happened to someone else. some famous overwritten quote i've seen in so many articles is a virtue never tested is no virtue at all. i agreed, bcoz we never knw sthg until it come along - incldng ourselves. u dun knw how wld u do when ur breakin wit a beloved person, or thgs, or animals. u never knw how it is until u lost someone mean a lot to u. or when facing wit a tuff choice which require ur full selves. but then again - each of us hav our own limit. it mght be mind is more than somebdy else. i mght prevail and all intact in stressful and breaking situation - u mght not. u maybe cld run for miles in the face of danger - but i certainly wld giv up and let watever thg chases us devour me, or surprisingly; i'd turn into a green-eyes monster and push u sideways for me to be able to run myself.


dammit. we dun really knw.


i am jst sayin - dat there is a lot of thgs happened to me. thgs i dun xpct, less ready to accept. thgs i've realised dat before dis i've been disillusioned by some veil, i cant see. i see Karma rolling its wheel, i see Qada' and Qadar in the picture puttin the pieces to my fate and i see myself in the mid of dis chaotic organization.


i am jst ere to rationalize. i dun mean to wallow in misery, the "damn my life's hard", "my suffering art greater than thee, thou art miniscule.." kinda bulshyte. its jst dat - i see road ahead of me and i see em for far and bleak. i cant see anythg possible. like in a Mario world - an evil stupid tortoise come out of nowhere and i can step on it for it to go away. darn, i wish i cld do dat. jst dat. step on it for it to go away. ok, maybe it is wrong to based my whole life on a level of some friggin stupid game and crazy Italian plumber.


maybe, i suffered from watching too much movies and listenin to too much mellow songs. Tom Hansen of 500 Days of Summer suffered the same thang. i've been watchin all kinda movies since i was small. all kinda genre, languages, period and color. unlike some of my peers; i valued movies and good songs in the core. in broke tear in so many movies (so wat?), some din really make sense. i cried to songs before, many many times. 


maybe my core is too soft.


i xpct too much, and if there is one thg we all wld love to believe in - is one happy ending. less than dat is a build up, a climax, a crisis and a resolution. which wld make a very good movie. we believe in happy ending. we believe in the soundtrack of our lives, we r taught to felt dis way when certain thg happened. we had our songs for every situations, even the awkward one. we believe - like a movie plot; happiness is one click away, one tower away, one block of apartment away, one prison cell away.


we believe dat there is, somewhere rite now - is working to get out stories rite, back in pace. which in y i hate when the protagonist dies.


bcoz - in dat millisec of shock and surprise - i realised - the reality is much, much worse.. and i am living in it. sigh.


---


hav a great day ahead peeps, and a happy holiday.









..











in the chill, quiet air of dawn we wake up, to fill ourselves wit some of wat our tongues can work wit, wat wit the stale taste of after-sleep and those dried lips.


u supposed internet can make a person smarter, u knw wit the access of info only short of a Google search, those Tweets u read, and a lil lite readin. supposedly the influx of info to the mainstream shld make ppl realise - or think about the current condition - or at the cost of dun want to run political - i will announce it as a general statement, everythg. my point is - darn ppl shld be smarter.


but, jst see for urself. the amount of blogs we hav on the net. blog, for one thg gives the owner a self-entitlement of importance. i knw dat well. it used to be celebrities talking on the magazine about the most trivial, non-importance shytes. now - everyone is doin the same. exactly who bloody cares wat u eat at lunch and who the hell u eat wit. also, y is exactly ur blog is full of the same articles i get from news and entertainment sites? 


and we hav tumblr! a collection of stuffs we do not own, random hipster-ish thang of y-the-fcuk-i-care.


also, the importance do these ppl hav to declare dat everyone shld be wit em in everythg, all the fcukin time. stand by their opinion. granted, i may be guilty for doin the same for some time - but then, i learnt to simply accept dat others mght hav different opinion than me. and its the same right, for both of us to critisize one another, no harm done.


clearance, dats all i am askin. i hav opinions bcoz i hav formed mine from readin, observing thgs, current situations and some circumstantial evidence. and when i asked em to fcukin provide me and xplain to me y they think dis and dat - they run and resorted to the last dirtiest tactic - sarcasm, religion, and other common fcuk-eries and stupid fcuk-tards. fcuk it.


fcuk those arse-lickers. fcuk these ppl. sigh.


---


maybe i shld try to crash again, now. 


i am sorry. gdnyte.













Tuesday, December 24, 2013

kind-bulshyte-ness.












i believe in the deepest heart of every man - lies kindness. each and every one of us r sympathetic to others' suffering. God created us as in a way dat we wld response to pledge of help. we r bonded by phylum, by species, by blood and all the cells in our body - to each other.


we can put ourselves in the shoes of another person.


at least - dats wat i believe. but the world taught me dat its not true. dat out there - is darkness, out there is ur destruction. i was told to keep all 6 senses intact when u talk. 6 senses? now dats bulshyte.


but do u care? theres no good samaritan. the only good samaritan u hav jst want a good hit at yr wallet. dammit.


prove em wrong, pls.











hi!






woke up by 5am, aku siap solat mandi semua bagai. rasa mcm nak kerja plak - but then again, no no no.. aku still on leave. its the yr end, and cuti aku pun tak byk mana.. but for some tak-bley-elak reason, aku kena amek off today. texted Mr Vinthai, jst nak make sure slot aku utk research presentatipn bdk2 neh pkul 10.30am - is it confirm or not.. and to my surprise - Mr V replied saying it has been postponed to 30th. i was like.. yehaa. tak payah re-mandi, tak pyh pi ofc.


i mght jst stay home and do some reading.


received a msg from En Daniel regarding urusan tanah abah - tukar nama, urusan tukar akaun pembayaran hasil ke akaun mak etc. alhamdulillah, after like a yr aku dok kejar dis En Daniel - finally settled. by end of dis week insyaAllah. harap2 dat'll make mak a bit happy, since dlm ramai2 adik beradik wit all the task masing2 lepas abah meninggal - aku wit dis task je yg a bit lewat. bukan aku tak buat keje.. penat aku panjat dat particular one ofc and hunt for dis Daniel. tp masalah birokrasi etc, aku jst took it as it is. 


still in boxer. masih merayau2 kat tgkt atas ni. lapar plak. caneh?









Tuesday, December 17, 2013

sleep tite!








it a long day. i tot, by the time i went off for the bengkel - wit my sleepy head, i cld jst pretend to be there and buat2 bizi sket, curi2 tlg sket, buat2 kecoh sket and off to the class at 10.30am - damn i was wrong. the bengkel task today was tough, mind challenging. i had to get thgs done keje smlm (individual) yg semlm tak siap2 (while most of the others dah siap..) and then trus start wit keje kump. 



nak tak nak, i gotta participate and do thgs well - since Puan Tan of BPL ada je belakang aku like most of the time.. perhaps since first day lagik aku dah lawan cakap dia kot. heh. 10.30am - aku finished up my class wit PostBsc Psy., kelas 10.30am, bdk2 neh kuar rehat and masuk balik at 11am. 30mins aku bazir masa mcm org bodoh. nyirap jgk aku - tp fikir balik, lantak korang lah. korang bukan bdk2 basik kot. dah tua2 bangka. dah keje.. kalo aku perli, ckp sekali tak jgk fhm2.. be it lar. i wont stress myself over such silly thang.



and ptg - smbg keje kump yg tak siap2. since i am in Group 3, and they put us in a separate room - aku jadik tensen sket. tka bley ngulat. Group 1 & 2 kat bilik sebelah. tak bley aku go around and disturb others. hahaha



and the tot of goin to the gym by 5pm - aku kensel. bdk2 kumpulan aku so very the rajin, nak smbg after tea. 6.30pm aku still tersadai kat kelas, wit the others. masing2 muka mencuka muncung mcm c*pap, bersegi2 pakat stress. 


tp nak jgk finish thgs up since mlm dorang mls nak dtg. sapa nak? aku pun tak nak weh!



7.30pm - aku finally home. otak tepu to the max, masuk rumah je nampak katil. aku mandi, Maghrib - golek2 tp tak plak bley lena.. did some reading, bancuh susu, Isya', idiotbox jap, so now - ere i am dpn lappy jotting dis down before i off crashing.



esok one more day to go. dammit i jst cant wait! blergkh.
















and - balik rmh - goin thru the phone and u had all the above; phewwww.. i was blessed. i smiled from one ear to another. and i am, still. bukan selalu pun tp such remarks like the above - it is like once in a blue moon. bg aku - tak de pe yg paling best thru out dis kerjaya of mine - rather than being appreciated for wat i do - be it spelling tak btol ke, eja salah ke, apa ke - its the tot dat count. aku bukan cikgu BM pun. neither nor u. huhuhu


dis is the kinda thang dat suddenly boost me up, perk me up wit thgs dat i am doin, since lately aku btol2 out motivation to carry on.










owh. and dis is the award yg aku menang smlm. yes, Jejaka Ayu. shut up. there were like 4 lagik stdnts nominated for dis category. aku cldnt care less actually, since it was the stdnts nye event. dorang hav like award for some many thgs - and bila Ajak also nominated for kategori Sweet Talker - kitorang dah gelak2 kan Ajak. Sweet Talker? like, seriously? byk maki ada lah. hahaha.. and so bila nama aku last naik nominated in dis kategori, i was like, "shyte.. dun do dis to me!". and Ajak started like "padan muka hang" and Fina went like "ayu? OMG!!". aku terdiam jap, like "mati la aku.."


so pagi tadi, bila aku masuk ofc, first remark bila Ain nampak aku was like "Shah, ko ayu eh!". hahaha.. fine. mesti keje Fina! and there she was, at her desk, facing her lappy buat2 tak tahu. 


apa2 lah. nyaris la budak2 aku. kalo bdk2 lain, aku bg penampar je.



---


nyte. i am crashing now. sweet dream peeps!