i hate myself when i am in kinda state, unsure, insecure. panic. scared. my tots r runnin everywhere - run wild i hard contain it well. think of doin some readin will put me at ease.. but it aint. i hate staring at the phone for i never helps. i feel like callin someone - its impossible. its midnite - and trow is a heavy day for everyone of us. i sat ere in the dark - wondering it by doin dis, somehow or rather it'll help me out.
Dis insecurities in me - they r killing me. I hate it, let alone to admit it. I am scared, i am worried. I am used to be good in handling it - but i gez i am failing. I let it grow in me, and i let it suffocates me. its been a way back then since i last had dis - i used to smile to myself seein others havin such - but now i am strugglin.
The fcukin "wat if" is another thang dat i am sufferin of. Yes. I knw. I knw it for God sake i mght hav been told u so - not to let it grow in u, not to let it control u. but pls. Dun gimme dat look. I am a flesh and blood as well. Jst like u.
The distance. The tot. The changes. The everythg. When thgs like dis - u cant help to detailed every shyte. Everythg. I jst cant help it. It grew in me, w/o me wanting it so. and u - u kept feedin it, making it worst for me. how i wish u understand. and how i wish u cld see dat clearly - dat i am strugglin. sigh.
God i hav no choice. But to sleep on it. I wish i cld switch myself off from everythg around me, so i cld feel good - even for a while. But i knw i cant. all i cna do is - i wake up trow morn., pretending everythg is jst fine. as it is. dammit.