Thursday, June 27, 2013

..
















used to listen a lot to dis
and its still my fav even now
good song, good lyrics.

and its Usher!





Moving Mountains -- Usher.




..


















if it seems dat ur stuck where ur, no matter wat u do, then ur almost certainly tryin too hard.  perhaps ur gotta stop tryin, and start allowing.


when ur striving and fighting and pushing - ur workin against urself. u gotta take a deep breath, calm down, and be. be u - in the moment - honestly, authentically, needing nthg and appreciating everythg dat seems to be darn bloody petty in ur eyes. u gotta allow, accept, enjoy, and u cannot possibly remain stuck.


where there is genuine love, appreciation and enjoyment -- there can be no resentment or frustration. when u fully allow life to flow to u and thru u - then u enable creativity and value to naturally and easily flow out from u.


life -- is beautiful, to a degree dat goes far beyond anythg u can possibly imagine. stop tryin to imagine dat beauty and start allowing urself to experience it. 


let go of the need to strive and to judge. and embrace the profound opportunity to be, now.



---



sigh. dun u wish it'd be dat easy?








Wednesday, June 26, 2013

..








blink.jpg







..







i spent the whole nite in my studying room, reading and do a bit of dis and dat. it was kinda same sleepless nite, but i gez i am ok. i am used to it, and theres no much ado about it pun. i mean - i did closed my eyes for about an hr or two -- but the rest of it, left dis tingling, numb kinda headache alrite.


4hrs of teaching by the sun goes up, and tonnes to be done. jst nice aye? and not to mention shytes in my head, thank you.


and today - wld be my last classes wit Psy Nursing PostBsc - on Socialogy - Social Deviance/Social Change. semlm - i had a good time wit em all on Socialization. i mean - i do learn a lot as well, during the teaching session. 











and one of it - was the above. according to Sir Charles Horton Cooley, "ppl's attitude and behavior towards us reflex our attitude and behavior", its like the looking-glass-self kinda thang. i stopped for a while, and i cldnt agree more. i am not goin to touch about ur life, or other's - for i dun giv it a fuck, and i hav no rite to judge watever not. but lookin at my own life - darn it is so true. its like - u dun expect ppl to treat u good when ur treat other like piece of shyte. and u dun grumble, questioning y and such - ppl r not treatin u well et al. i gotta look into myself. deep down in me. my words, my doin and such. no matter how strong u'd go denying (dats common), deep in u - u knw how it is.


i learn a lot, lately. a lot in so many ways. and it is thru the hard way. i am jst a plain flesh and blood - i do mistakes. but dats not goin to be a silly excuses for not tryin to be the best, and a better person. u do mistakes, and u learn -- dats the core. u do mistakes, and u learn nthg -- and ur a moron. and when u do change for good, or at least ur tryin hard to -- u xpct ppl will respect u for dat. i mean - i dun giv it a flyin fuck if u want to respect it or not - but at least acknowledge the changes. nbdy wants to change. and if there is, we shld giv it a bow. and act ot it, accordingly.


again - we r jst a piece of shyte. flesh and blood. havin a high expectation is disastrous for life. and it aint good.


i will put no hope anymore. i am tired of hoping and clinging for somethg unknown. i am tired of being a superhuman -- when i knw myself very well dat i am no angel. i tired of being questioned, and assumed. i am tired of trying, and i am tired of trying so hard to be perfect -- when nbdy giv it a fuck about it. i feel so bad and pathetic being treated like a cold shyte - even tho i knw life is a merry-go-round; wat u giv, u'll get back. i am tired of being peeked, judged and analyzed. i knw i've done a blunder, and i hav regret -- but dat wldnt make anyone of u a super-perfect either. i jst wanna live dis short life, as it is -- wit less complication, questions and judgment -- way merrier, each day.


i'll jst go wit the flow. and take a day by day, and watever it brings.


hav a great day, ahead.










Friday, June 21, 2013

..







nothg new.


6.45am aku dah sampai ofc. i knw dis is way way to early than usual. i gez rather than aku stay home and hav nthg to do - better off. it was a sleepless nite - aku switched off the phone the net everythg - wit the tot of i'd get away from all the distraction and crashed well, yet i was wrong. byk benda dlm kepala otak aku. lately ni byk sgt benda yg aku fikir - work, life, study, health et al - aku feel so tepu. and theres nthg on the idiotbox as well. i remember the nite was so quiet it hurts alrite.


aku decided to make a trip up to Parit Buntar today. i knw its Jumaat, but better off. aku planned nak jumpak keluarga Allahyarham Kiflin Madlan, ex-stdnt aku yg meninggal early of dis semester on MVA. theres a cheque aku need to hand over, and its been a while since aku last heard of the parents. tho Kiflin no more around in dis world, the parents r looking forward to keep in touch wit me - which aku wld honored to do so. they both r a nice person, and aku had no reason to keep away from the whole thang. after all aku kena make a tour - jumpak all the bosses kat Hospital Parit Buntar and PKD there, and get my biz done.


and beside dat - aku rindu mak. aku rindu her presence. at time like dis - aku need her around. perhaps not to jst talk to her - tp jst hav a look at her, and be around her pun dah cukup. its been a while pun, and coupla days back - she asked me again, 'bila along nak balik' and such. i gez i need not to plan sgt kot, and aku need not to wait for the time btol2 permit to let me do so - aku'd jst go wit the whim. 


so today, after the assembly, after the Mesyuarat Pengurusan Akademik (which is for all the Ketua Program/Unit/Subjek et al - tot aku can get away from it.. tp aku kena jugak hadir) around 9am - aku will shoot up, get thgs done, and balik rumah mak. stay a nite there teman mak and spend some time wit minimons.


by trow lunch i need to be in Penang, again. thgs dat i hate of doin, but i dun hav a choice.


---


aku feel numb. real numb dat i am not sure it feels anymore. aku gez aku no longer confused, jst dat aku tak tau apa lagik patot aku fikir. i hav been fighting for dis. i told myself, dat i've done mistakes before and i'll prove myself better - but now, i dun knw.









Monday, June 17, 2013

its Moan-Day yeah.










lama aku tak puasa. ari ni aku puasa - and terasa lembik sgt. mcm kueh lepat liat. damn. lepat liat. lama tak mkn. argkh. aku bgun sahur around 4am, mkn sket2, minum byk2, aku solat and dozed off for a while, sebelum bgun mandi Subuh around 6am.


today - assembly staff at 8am. as usual. Hafez was no where to be seen. and so Mr Bong,. Amer aku rasa tak turun kot. tinggal la aku wit Mr Ismail and all the other ladies.. and aku tak sure apa yg Puan Sawn the TP(A) ngomel kat dpn.. obviously aku in own world. sah2 side-effect ubat batuk aku amek way earlier. ngatok seh!


8.30am - mesyuarat pagi. all the Ketua2 Jbtan, Ketua Program, Ketua Subjek et al. frankly speaking - aku a bit bosan dgn meeting2 mcm neh. everytime the same ol shait. tak dtg payah, dtg nanti aku depressed smpai ke ptg. so aku duduk jap, byk 9.30am aku blah. after all, 10.30am aku ada kelas.


Introduction to Sociology, wit Postbsc Psy Nursing 1/2013. kinda dull. perhaps its me. perhaps its the stdnts. or perhaps the topic itself. tp aku tried hard to make thgs lively. and aku managed to deliver. aku ngantuk. sumpah ngantuk.


by 2pm, aku dah kat Bilik Perbincangan wit Puan Mim and En Vinthai. marking paper. yeay! yeay taik. aku ngantok!!!


dah la. dah 5.30pm. aku nak balik. berbuka puasa. yesss.. and no gymrama la for today. esok2 lah.


see u!








Sunday, June 16, 2013

pain?
















ppl r afraid of emselves, of their own reality - their feelings most of all. ppl talk about how good and how great love is - but dats bulshait. love hurts. feelings r disturbing. ppl r taught dat pain is evil and dangerous. but how can they deal wit love is they r afraid to feel?


pain is meant to wake us up. ppl try to hide their pain. but they r wrong. pain is somethg to carry, like a bloody radio. u feel ur strength in the experience of pain. its all in how u carry it.


dats wat matters. pain is a feeling. ur feelings r a part of u. ur own reality. so dun be a bulshait. if u feel ashamed of em, and tryin so freakin hard to hide em - ur letting society destroy ur reality.


dammit. u shld stand up for ur right. to feel ur pain.


gnyte.





Selamat Hari Bapa, Abah..

























abah;


i tot of u wit love
today - but dats nothg new
i tot of u
yesterday and days
before dat, too.
i tot of u all the while -
and i hav u in my dreams.


nearly a year now
u left us behind
u left me in wonder
and r so many thgs left
unanswered.


i think of u in silence 
i often speak ur name
all i hav r memories and 
ur picture in a frame.


ur memory is my keepsake
wit which i'll never part
Allah has u in His keeping
and i hav u in my heart.


along sayang abah..
Selamat Hari Bapa.





Allahyarham Hj Mohamed Sunar b. Abas Ali
30.11.1944 - 31.07.2012












Saturday, June 15, 2013

serabut.
















aku was doin nthg when i came across these pics in my phone. they hit me hard, and i am suddenly find myself had a teary eyes. talked to mak smlm - and she's doin ok. she asked me bila nak balik kg, and i told her i will, real soon. i wish i cld drive straight up and see mak - and clear up all the mess in me; but i cant. wit the thang i am in now - i dun think i can.


and aku think of abah as well. esok Hari Bapa. we usued to call abah like every year - w/o a miss, berebut2 to be the first to wish him so. and most of the time Soleh will always be the first, and aku second. abg cik - semua org tau, we need to remind him everythang. abah wld go like, 'hari ni je hari abah? ingat abah hari ni je ke?' and giggled away. and most of us, will lost words and finally found ourselves talking to mak. but abah - he never took it seriously. he knew we love him. and we care. jst dat - dats the way we communicate. and mak plays an important role between us.


semlm - w'pun aku tak sihat and such - aku gigih jugak ikut kwn2 ofis ke Padang Rengas, since ex-boss aku (Puan Rosnah - she's retired) finally meninggal dunia after struggling wit his prostate cancer, for about a year. he went thru a lot - the surgical procedure,  chemo and such - but finally he gave up since ada fistula and theres nthg much the docs can do. he left Puan  Rosnah behind, wit no kid. aku remember tryin to console Puan Rosnah so hard, since shes cryin - and how i wish i cld be strong. at least he went off peacefully. he ended up all the misery and struggling in dis world, and let go. us? aku? i dun knw how. where and when. and such. 


there r so many thgs in mind now. i've transferred my case from Png to HUKM for the tot of it'd make thgs easier, and i promise i wont be doin some escapade anymore. but now, it doesnt matter. aku dah malas nak fikir. lantak lah.


the fact is - life's like dat. u do shyte once, it'll stay forever there. ppl will remember for shyte u did. and the fact is - nbdy in dis world, wld love to see u happy - except for ur fmly, and mak abah. nbdy. they may say so, but deep in, the action and such - is completely, utterly contradict. i am sorry. i mght be wrong. but i knw how it is.


but its ok. its a learning process. life is a learning process. and i keep remind myself - dat life, too - is a karma. karma had no menu. but it serves u, wit wat u deserve. i'll hav mind. and so do others. 


hav a nice weekend, folks.







never.














"u've probably thinkin i've forgotten all about u by now, and dats far from it. ur struggling wit ur ego, and so do i. i hav pride, dignity - as much as u think u do, too. i still do miss u, and dats the fact. i continue to fake my smile, tho deep in me - only God knws. i knw i hav missed u, but i hav kept it all inside me - for only me to knw.


i still wonder about u doings - how ru, wat ur doin, wat we used to talk about, the laugh in ur voice. jst, everythg. i miss it all. yet i cant help wit wat is goin on rite now - bcoz everythg happens for a reason.


shld destiny put us into a crossing road in the future, dat is when i will see u again. until then - remember dis; no matter wat, even thru the screaming fights, the disagreements, mistakes, lies and the tears we've cried - never, ever i did giv up on u. 


so if u need a helpin hand, do not hesitate to ask. i may be far away, but i will always be in reach.."














Saturday, June 8, 2013

Friday, June 7, 2013

ru?














"hanya org yg bahagia, mampu membahagiakan", Prof Dr Muhaya.






i was doin nthg and channel surfing dis evenin when somethg caught my eyes. and my ears. it was dr muhaya wit her inspiring motivational talk on one of the channel. i got hook up, and those phrase caught my ears. and mind as well.


and i had it playing again and again like a broken record - in my head.


it sadden me. it gets me thinkin about myself. my life. i doubt myself - i started to doubt myself. looking back to years left behind - i am not sure if i am a happy guy. i mean -  somebody yg 'bahagia', not jst happy. i bet u knw - 'happy' and bahagia is way too different. i think. i mght be happy, or at least looked like one - a happy guy - but unless u knw me well, then u knw how it is. 


i am not tryin to downgrade my own self. by makin it looks so pathetic, and sad. but it gez dats the way it is. 


happy. but not bahagia. for its 2 different thgs.


aku tak boleh bahagiakan diri sendiri - wat about bahagiakan org lain? stick to me, and i'll make ur life miserable. kinda thang.


i am at the lowest side of my life. i felt so filthy. useless. i cant decide. i cant think. i cant convince anythg at all. and i cant promise thgs wld be jst fine - for my cycle of life is jst a running in circle, and i aint gonna go nowhere.


i cant help to feel bad. as bad as myself is.











kenduri.



kenduri.
as it is.







..





darn
i feel so empty.





the beach.



i was down wit fever, sore throat
but stayin home wit nthg to do
aku was forcing to jst hav a rest
and sleep.

when the minimons ajak aku teman dorg ke laut - aku a bit hesitate.
malas, tp aku need a break.

i wish i cld find the exact words
for wats in me now.
i knw - no matter how bad
i am havin it now -
it is worst still for others.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

pinkish pink pinky me.



its hot. its flaming freaking hot.
and its me, in pink.
a disastrous combo -
i was unkempt. miserable.
i was in ere. wit my soul, my brain -
somewhere else.

and if its not for Nazry,
i wldnt do dis.
imagine -
baju melayu, full suit.
wit songkok.
under a hot sun
gotta walk slow
ikut pengantin
blergkh.

trust me -
pink is aint an issue
its never an issue
i am fine wit it
it makes me kinda sexy
- sometimes.

but wit me like dis
i prefer in my
birthsuit
and do nti
- at all.

sigh.