Saturday, March 30, 2013

b4 i say gnyte..











live life.






dun exist. live. get out. and explore.
thrive. challenge authority. challenge urself.
evolve. change forever.
become who u say u will. keep moving. dun stop. start the revolution.
become a freedom fighter. become a superhero. jst becoz everyone doesnt knw ur name - 
doesnt mean u dun matter.

are u happy? hav u ever been happy? wat hav u done today to matter? 
did u exist or did u live? and how did u thrive?

become a chameleon - fit in anywhere. be a rockstar - stand out everywhere. do nthg, do everythg.
forget everythg, remember everyone. care - dun jst pretend.
listen to everyone. and listen to urself. love everyone, and nthg at the same time.
its impossible to be everythg, but u cant stop trying to do it all.
all i knw is dat i hav no idea wat i am writing now - but i knw it'll mean somethg - at the end of dis.


and i feel like i am in training for somethg, making progress wit every step i take.
i fear standing still. it is my greatest weakness.
i gotta move on, and leave all shyte behind.


i talk big sometime, but often dun follow thru. dats my biggest problem. 
i dun even knw wat to think rite now. i shldve been sleeping -
but u can see dat i am not, now.
u mght think its about time i start to take a jump.
f*ck starting to take. jst jump - over everythg. leap.
its time to be aggressive. 
u've started to speak ur mind, now keep goin wit it -
but not wit the intention of sparking controversy or pickin a germane fight.
get ur gloves on, its time for rebirth.
theres no room for the nice guys in the history books - do u knw dat?


dis is the start of a revolution. the revolution is ur life. my life.
the goal is immortality. lets live life hun.
lets feel alive at all times. take no prisoners.
hold no soul unaccountable, esp not ur own.
if sthg doesnt happen - gez whos fault it is?


make dis moment ur reckoning. ur head has been held under water for too long
and its time to rise up and take ur first true breath.
do everythg wit exact calculation,
nthg w/o meaning.
dun make careful ur words, but no excuses for wat u say.
f*ck em all. set a goal for everyday -
and never get tired.


---


darn i am not sure if the above is relevant.




gnyte.



Thursday, March 28, 2013

trust. or not to trust.















to trust or not to trust? and dats the question. its subjective. everybdy knws dat. but no matter how subjective dat is - i bet there r time when u come to a point, and hav dis question lingers in ur head.


to trust. or not to trust.


sometimes when u place yr trust in someone, u will be way stronger - and there will be disastrous consequences. yet, as bad as dat maybe - it wld be even worse to never trust, at all.


w/o trust, w/o faith - we r merely machines; disinterested and unable to truly invest ourselves in anythg worthwhile. wit no trust - world is cold, harsh and excruciatingly a lonely place..   :-(


i learn it in the hard way. and i gez the best way to knw when to trust and when not to trust - is to be trustworthy urself. knw wat it is like to uphold the trust of others, and it will help u to understnd whom u urself can trust. and i gez some of the best and most valuable thgs u can experience do not come wit a guarantee. tho it certainly pays to be careful - it also is important to be able to trust in others. and urself, as well.


dun giv ur trust frivolously or irresponsibly - but do git it. for w/o trust - there is really nthg dat is orth protecting.


trust me.









need no more.














perhaps u knw dis, yet u never giv a shait about it. and perhaps u knw it - yet u never put a label to it, and it left 'unknwn'. the fact is - even the smallest need puts u in a state of lack and limitation. and we gotta make it firm intention to focus on the possibilities rather than on the perception of need.


consider dat in dis moment - right now; u need nthg - becoz u alrdy r ere, alive, aware and capable of so very much. free urself from the tot of need, and step forward into ur most valuable possibilities. compared t how vey much u hav, there is almost nthg u really need. giv ur time, awareness and energy to the abundance - and make the good, valuable parts of ur life even more prominent.


make each day, each action and each tot and ur word ur own positive and empowering choice. focus on all u hav to live. and to give. less grumble. find some motivation to carry on.


if u ever feel dat theres somethg u need, quicly let dat tot go. then make the positive choice to create, and move forward wit the power of authentic purpose. fill ur mind wit positive possibilities, and fill ur moments wit positive action. fill ur heart wit sincere gratitude, and there will be no place in u - for need.


---


at least dat is wat i keep telling myself.









Monday, March 18, 2013

a looooooooooooooooong day.








darn it was a long day for today. starting as early as 8am - staffs assembly - my head was sort off full wit so many deadlines, stuffs need to be done. some of em dat lepas deadline pun. i wasnt in the ofc last week, if u notice. and today - a bloody Monday. watdya expect.


done wit the assembly - aku was called by the operator to hadir ke bilik mesyuarat 3 - Mesyuarat Pagi. its kinda mesyuarat yg aku malas sgt nak hadir. most of the time - aku excused kan diri aku wit classes, aptments wit stndts and such. but today - i cant. Pengarah sendiri yg called aku turun. its a mesyuarat pagi, on every Monday morning. if u ask me nape aku malas sgt - let me tell u dis - dis is kinda meeting yg lbey byk menceceh, pointing fingers et al. nak kata selesai masalah, tak jgk. dis is the place where u can see the true colors of the bigshots, God sake. since its the meeting for all the Pengarah, TP, Ketua Program, Ketua Unit, Ketua Subjek u knw wat i mean.


so i sat there, sengih2. bila org tnya, aku jwb. otherwise aku sengih2 again tgk all those sensational thgs around me.


10.30am, meeting tak abes lagi. prot lapar. since belum breakfast. and 11am - 1pm, kelas. aku mintak excused, and blah. sempat minum susu wit oat je, trus gegas pi kelas. kelas went well. ok la. 200+ stndts, on Psycho; Ingatan dan Kesedaran.


1pm aku abes kelas. rushed back to the office. tot of driving out and hav my lunch, tgk jam dah 1.20pm. 2pm kelas balik. again - aku ended up telan oat je lagik, tho prot aku screamed for somethg better. 2pm - 5pm, class on Psychology; Stress and Health. alrite. Stress and Health katanya. and i think - i was stressed a bit. and dat was when i've blew my top.


imagine - a long day. 200++ stdnts, topics to cover before they sit for the papers dis Thurs., makan-less dr pagi. and dis one young man, duduk 3rd row dr dpn - was looking down into his lap, suspiciously. thru out my life as a lecturer - bila studnt behaving dat way; there r possibilities - thye mght be sleeping and the head is kinda hanging loose, or they mght be having somethg else in the celah bedah. let say, a hand-phone  aku called dis stdnt out loud, asking if he was sleeping - and he said no. aku asked him y he's lookin down into his lap - is he or not playing wit the phone. and he said, yes.


and it started there.


aku called the stdnt down. aku was controlling my anger, God sake. every classes, like every time - the first class aku mesti bgtau the do's and the dont's time kelas aku. aku tak kisah kalo dorang tak minat. dorg bley tdo. or dorang can leave if they got guts to do so. tp jgn kacau org lain yg nak belajar. and jgn main hand-phone time aku kat depan, lecturing. it was jst my style. aku tak suka. ko suka, ko tak suka - aku cldnt careless. ur in my class, so its my way. 


aku asked him wat hes doin wit the phone. jwb panggilan kecemasan ke? texting back and urgent matter ke? and he boldly said not. aku tnya balik - then u buat apa wit the phone. he said, 'saya baca Twitter'. wow. no sorry. no nthg. aku asked him - either he is or not aware dat he is in my class, and either he is or not remember thgs yg aku bagi tau, awal2 on the first class. and dgn selamba, he said, 'yes'. again -WOW!


aku mintak the hand-phone nicely (it was Blackberry Curve) wit a smile on face - and aku threw it hard rite infront of him - dr stage where i stood. he was surprised. i can see dat very clearly on his face. and suddenly the ego, the cldnt careless attitude on all over his face - gone. and the whole class went into silent. good. aku tak pernah mengamuk dgn budak2 in dis batch. and i did, today. the BB went into pieces. and aku firmly asked him to collect all the pieces, and handed it back to me.


and he did. 


and aku carried on wit the class - smoothly after dat.


---


by 5pm, aku dah tepu. perot lapar. aku decided to off str8 left the building, and no gym for today. singgah Giant, rayau2 jap - while munch anythg dat i cld found around me. and cant help thinkin about the whole shyte. aku rasa bersalah, hell yeah. but then again - aku tak menyesal. dis mght be the first incident bagi aku caught a stdnt doin it in my class - tp according to other lecturers; budak2 neh mmg rajinmain hand-phone in their class, and they din knw wat to do. warning, tegur - semua dah buat. tp din change a thang. 


aku hope the boy will learn a lesson. may a Curve din mean anythg to him - sah2 la bdk2 neh ada dua tiga bijik smartphone in hand. cuma apa yg aku nak he learn is to respect others. bkn to him je, tp the rest of the class. kalo aku bley spend time, did some reading, prepare material for the class - masuk class bdk perangai mcm tu - how wld u feel? aku tak kisah kalo ko tak minat. sumpah aku tak kisah. ko fail, ko susah. aku tak dak pe pe. tp to stay there, pura2 dgr lecturer, tp main Twitter - itu dah kira kurang ajar.


biar lah. malas aku nak fikir.


esok PutraJaya - a day trip. mesyuarat kajian semula kurikulum Diploma Farmasi, di BPL. last minit baru bagi surat, and panggil pi meeting. haih. ni bukan CME, kak. ini kajian semula kurikulum. tak kan aku nak bwk otak kosong, and tak mampu nak generate a bit of idea etc? haiyooo


---


nak iron baju, nak tdo. aku penat la wey!


gdnite.



















sblm tu, sila dgr lagu neh dulu ya!
Mirrors (Live) - JT.

love it













Happy Birthday, Pinkie!










sorry Pinkie, 
cepek ur pic for ur FB! hehehe





and today, is her best-day! i've been saying dis every year in and every year out - and i wish i cld be doin the same - for more years to come, insyaAllah. Happy Birthday, Pinkie!


he's my best fren. we fight over thgs, we cried over shyte and we laughed out loud together, after dat. Pinkie, i need u to knw dat i am sooooo glad and so blessed to hav u around as the best-est fren, ever. 


shes cool. and shes open to anythg under the sun (ofkoz, wit some consideration lah!). we shared the same wave length, and way of thinking. i mean - not so lah kot, for i aint as smart like her. hehehe.. but shes willing to be there for her frens (esp me, i think) at anytime at all - esp when i am in deep shyte, ofkoz. and dat makes her special, way different from others. not forgetting she talks a lot, and she'd go talking like a bullet dat u hav to like "err, wait wait Pinkie.. slow down. wat ur sayin?" like thang like dat. hahaha.. i wldnt be a problem for me tho, for i knw dats the way she is. and dat makes her abso-special-lately, indeed.


Noraziah Che Pa, its ur day today. i am wishing u the very best in life, insyaAllah wit all the best thgs in life to come in everyday, to come. good health, wealth wit iman dan taqwa for sepanjang hayat, ameen.


hav a blast, my fren! we love u, for sure!  :-)








Tuesday, March 12, 2013

nunyte.















feverish still. headache. hidung berhingus. done wit most of the thgs, i found myslf in bed - under the duvet like most of the time. i knw i had enuff of sleeping - dat badan aku started to feel so lemau, sakit2 badan. aku cld go merayau sorang2, but then again - where to? and how? and aku ended keeping thgs to myself, in the room - did some reading et al.


and i cannot help to feel so lonely. the place itself is somethg else - and its not like i never feel it dis way. i did. but jst dat - dis time around it feels so intense. its like theres a hole in u for real. so empty. perhaps i dun really hav much to do - kalo kat rumah; i did feel dis way some time - tp i always knw wat to do, and how to overcome it well. tp sini - its different.


perhaps sebab aku tak sihat la kot. or aku sorang2. or maybe becoz aku havin so much of ample time aku not knwing wat to do and such.


perhaps aku shld turn off dis lappy, and hit the sack - for real. and hav a good nite rest, hoping trow will be way better than jst dis - insyaAllah.


gnyte.

me in ere.







i dun wanna be ere. i shldnt be in ere at the first place pun. everythg seems to be wrong, and i hate it. sampai KLS - aku terus ke kedai roti, looking for some roti. i knw if i am there in INTENGAH post waktu mkn - and dats it, aku akan ended up berlapar. nak berjalan keluar mkn - i dun knw where about.


done wit it - aku terus ke taxi stand. a long q. and i need to buy a ticket - KLS to PJ, naik teksi? they say it is not goin to worth it. i'll be stuck in the traffic light. and i'll mati keras in the cab. but thank God - 20mins je aku dah spai ke INTENGAH - dis driver brought me thru UM ikut gate mana ntah, and tup tup aku kuar sebelah medical center, near to MAHSa and dats it - dah smpai. aku sempat took my dinner as it is, telan ubat - and the rest of the day stop jst rite there.


it is so sunyi in ere. i am not sure berapa org yg stay in - tadi time mkn pun ada la 3 or 4 empat ketul yg down for the meals. incldg me. and then - masing2 buat hal masing2 and i am not sure if they r still around. so sunyi it turns out to be kinda creepy. so sunyi dat dammit - i hate to hav myself in dis kinda situation. perhaps becoz aku demam. and perhaps becoz aku selsema idung ni aku rasa nak tanggal and sangkut belakang pintu.


i've been in ere before - and God it wasnt dis bad pun.


hope trow will be better. insyaAllah.


gotta hit the sack now.


nyte.


















Saturday, March 9, 2013

hi!







its a nice, quiet Saturday. aku woke up by 3am - and crashed around 11pm semlm. balik je dr hospital, aku singgah mamak jap for a supper, and off str8 home. nthg much on the idiot-box, so aku hit the crib. by 3am, aku dah bgun. moved to the study room - aku found it to be useless to jst lay there and do nthg. bukan boleh lena pun. so aku turun bawah.


i knw its kinda weird - but aku managed to get my laundry done by then, washed the cars, siram pokok2 kat luar rumah. and again - uncle jaga yg round the neighborhood stopped by at the gate, looking at me in one kind. must think aku giler la kot did such at the wee-hours. and dis is not the first time pun. hahaha.. cuma a different jaga la kot. aku was jst smiled away, told him dat dis is my place, and i cant sleep.


Subuh, aku pi surau depan ni. ada kuliah Subuh. aku stayed for a while. lama tak pi ngadap mana2 ustaz. mak and arwah abah tak jemu2 pesan such, cuma aku je.. sigh. by 7.15am, aku dah kat rumah. ingat nak terus breakfast out, tp dgn kain pelikat, baju melayu.. so aku terus balik. and as usual - masuk ruah, tukar boxer - aku dah malas nak kuar. ended up havin my usual daily dose of oats and susu je.


heading for Slim River after Zohor. a day trip. nak pi tgk org sakit. and i gez dats about it for today. trow is another day - by hook or by crook, aku hav to get pack by trow. beg dah bwk kuar, and as usual - aku menyampah packing2 neh. and the question of beg-kecik-beg-besar, again.


---


been doin a self-reflection, lately. i managed to find some kinda inner peace, and start thinking about me. myself. i am sure i am pretty tired of thinking about others, by now. for time dat i am havin now - i jst wanna hav a good life, a good company and take it as it is. 


i am jst a human being - i hav my own threshold, and i hav my own grip. 


---


u guys hav a good weekend! see u when i see u.















:-)










Thursday, March 7, 2013

Youth. Parker. fountain pen. abah.







seingat aku - aku started using fountain pen sejak aku umur 11 tahun lagik - dat was when aku in Darjah 5. aku remember it was abah yang first introduced me such - and i wasnt dat keen of using it. abah used to tell me dat 'a man shld be using dis pen' and 'tulisan along lagik cantik kalo pakai pen ni', sort of. still - aku not dat keen. bg aku - hassled. the dakwat and such. aku rasa comot sgt. 


bila masuk Darjah 6, Mr Letchumanan (mendiang) mula ngajar kelas aku. dia ajar BI - and sumer makhluk seantero alam kat Sek Rendah Kebangsaan (I) Jalan Menteri, Selama scared of him. his outlook pun dah cukup to make u terkincet dlm seluar. need not to wait till dia bukak mulut ant yell out loud at u. or take off his belt, make u bend down and spank ur arse wit it. 


but dat was then. and dats the way it is. and aku - since takut giler; especially when he look at u thru his separuh jatuh (atas hidung) nye spek - aku really learn English. bukan tu je - kena rotan at yr betis. kena pukul at tapak tangan wit kayu ruler 1 meter yg cikgu2 dok guna tu.. na'uzubillah.


yet he was the one - beside abah; yg make me fall for dis fountain pen. Mr Letchumanan made everyone of us to buy a fountain pen, and the dakwat (no sharing!) and learn English. semua keje rumah dia, he made us do it using fountain pen. kalo tak bwk time kelas dis, siap la ko. and kalo keje rumah ko comot, kotor - baik la ko tak pyh dtg terus. kinda thgs like dat.
 




and aku ingat lagik bila aku pujuk abah to buy me one - since all dis while, abah kasik guna his fountain pen, and aku kena mintak and pulangkan balik - each time. and pernah few times aku lupa pulangkan his pen, siap terbawak pi skol. and for the rest of the day, aku rasa had dis rasa bersalah - wondering how and mcmana abah nak buat keje, while i was havin his pen wit me. and abah finally bought me one - my first fountain pen. tajuk 'Youth', Made in China. warna hijau. harga tak sampai RM6, tak silap aku. ofkoz - dat was then. years back. kerap aku buat muka moncong, since 'abah beli pen murah' and ngomel mcm2 kat abah. 


aku nak pen Parker mcm yg abah punya.


and each time - abah will look at my face, and told me off dat 'murah ke, mahal ke.. sama je. along guna je la dulu, nanti dah besar abah beli lain'. and each time - he managed to shut me off wit dat. aku used dat pen sampai aku belajar upper secondary skol, until one day - aku realised dat tmpt dakwat pen tu dah bocor, and tudung pen plak dah retak.


sejak tu - aku suka guna fountain pen. be it kena isi dakwat, kena beli dakwat etc - i knw how to deal wit it well. tulisan aku look way much better (bg aku lah!), and aku love to hav dis kinda feeling in me - which aku tak tau mcmana nak describe - each time aku guna such pen, to write. 


abes medicine, masuk keje - surprisingly - aku bought me one. abah belikan aku pen Parker Vector sepasang; exactly mcm pen yg abah guna - yang ball pen and a fountain pen. siap ada carved nama penuh aku lagik, and his name as well. i cldnt careless about the price, tho he told me once 'abah bagi ni, along guna la time keje.. murah je pun', and he smiled away. for God sake - aku cldnt careless about the price, and even tho aku selalu nampak those pen kat kaunter Parker, aku dun bother go asking the price. maybe since aku dah besar pjg neh - aku mula sedar hows the tot yg lbey penting way than anythg at all..



 



and for the rest of the years, aku used both of em - kursus, seeing patients, menulis et al. and aku stick to one brand of ink - Parker Quink, becoz dr awal lagi abah ckp, dat was the best ink available, affordable to use. and aku bwk both pen - esp the fountain one, all around - each of the working days.


until last week.


aku panic jap bila aku sedar yg dah few days aku tak nampak fountain pen aku. yg abah hadiah. wit my full name on it. aku cldnt find it anywhere at all - not at home. aku drove off to the office, hoping aku'd find it there somewhere in the office; but it aint. it was not there in work station, not there kat tempat pen/pensil aku, tadak dlm laci, and it wasnt there in my beg keje pun. and no where to be found. aku selongkar tempat baju2 keje aku yg nak basuh - hoping dat aku terlupa and it was still there kat poket baju keje, tp still tadak.


aku searched my car, my whole house. akd cldnt find it. yg ada cuma the ball pen - yg aku jarang2 guna. it is not the price - but its the pen itself, the memories in it - aku cldnt help to feel sdey and down for a while. aku never stop looking for it, every now and then. for it really means a lot to me. a whole wide world to me. aku terfikir nak beli another one, exactly like it - tp aku tau, it wldnt be the same. and i knw - it mght sounds funny for u, or perhaps it was nothg. but again - it mean a lot to me.


sigh.


now each time aku pegang pen nak buat keje - aku cant help to think y on earth i am holding dis pen, and not dat Parker pen. and dat out of place feeling. the 'dis is not right' kinda thang. maybe aku dah terbiasa.. maybe dah berthn2 aku've been using dat pen - day in and day out.


for time being - aku gotta learn to let go. perhaps, its about time la kot. dah lama aku guna pen abah bg tu - maybe takat tu je la rezeki aku to keep using it. maybe aku tercicir mana2. maybe one day, when aku no longer looking for it - aku'll find it back. and by not using it anymore, i knw dat it doesnt mean dat aku tak tau how to jaga my own thgs, esp dat hadiah dr abah. sometime - somethg is not meant for u, to be urs pun, like forever.


and i hav to learn to deal wit dis kinda weird feeling in me, now. 


:-(