Wednesday, January 30, 2013

bday.








i live the day to the details today. i hav no classes, except for 2 till 5pm - initially. i walked into the office wit memos on the desk - which needed my urgent attention. get em all done by 9am, Ajak called me up - ajak pi minum. i turned him down, telling him dat i had still coupla thgs to be done. he told me dat if i ever change my miind - i can always join him and the group later kat Kedai Nasik Lemak Bawah Pokok, as usual.

15mins after dat, aku rasa nyesal tak ikut Ajak. called him - dammit he din picked up the phone. aku went to the printing room - mesin fotostat rosak. and i had like 60 pieces of notes to photostat. i decided to print em all out - senang. half way, printer habis dakwat. called the IT Dept., 10mins of tryin and nbdy pickin up. 

aku decided to photostat kat luar. and in the mean time - aku bley join Ajak minum. and aku found out kedai bwh pokok tak bukak. and Ajak was no where to be seen. called him, haram nak jawab. aku trus drive pi kedai photostat - pun tak bukak!! i was like.. wtf?

aku terus drive pi kedai mkn area Bndr Baru Putra. rushing for the traffic light (as usual), ended up keter dpn aku sondol another keter rite infornt of it. aku terkejut giler. nasib baik aku sempat brake. aku lapar. so aku malas nak amek port - aku terus off from the scene. bet they'll sort thgs out lah.

masak lemak pucuk paku! aku decided trus early lunch. nasik sket, pucuk paku cover up more of the empty spaces. baru satu suap - baru terasa the masak lemak was so pedas aku cldnt take it God sake. satu suap dah buat perot aku memulas. aku geram. tensi. aku habes kan air, aku byr and aku blah.

2 to 5pm kelas. Tuan Hj Megat Penyelia Hosp. Kuala Kangsar called - out of sudden. Naza my own stdnt buat hal. sia2 je aku tadah telinga, stdnt yg kesalahan. promised him dat aku will definitely take a look personally into it - and hung up, Mr Bong plak called. again - aku was answerable. dis time - darah aku dah menyirap.

aku cancelled the class - aku off to Kuala Kangsar stat. aku ke hostel and looked out for Naza. for the first time in life - 2 kali tgn aku hinggap ke muka stdnt. first time in life! no, i am not proud of it - aku feel so freakin lousy for i cldnt contain myself. tp aku geram. ko tukar jadual posting sesuka-suki, ko masuk keje sesuka-suki, and ko ponteng as if hospital mak bapak ko punya.

and aku yg kena ngadap. and kena jawab.

and off aku blah dr KK. jammed otw back -peak hrs org balik keje. argkh.

home by 7pm. God knws how it feels.


---


i dun think i'd be able to stay up for the dat b'day. dah tua pun, the thrill is no more there. hahaha.. 

perhaps i cld use the space to wish my own self then - HAPPY BIRD DAY, SHAHE!! i am still lacking in so many thgs. i wanna do a lot as well. yet time is running out so fast.

damn i wanna turn back time, God sake. sigh.





Tuesday, January 29, 2013

BB? ha ha



bn wanting to stop by at the new AEON Sri Manjung, finally today aku made an effort. drop in there for a lunch, tot of havin sthg sweet - aku get done wit some usual stuffs at Secret Recipe.

no cake. but jst some usual stuffs.

i imagined havin a big cake and candles on it, whch is i knw its a plain bulshyte.

strolled for a while. i swore to God i kept havin dis voices tellin me dis and dat, dat i shall at least buy smthg for nbdy else, but me - sort of token for the bday. i had a lot of thgs in mind.

shoes, beg keje, hair trimmer, jam ofkoz and a lot more. aku pegang few thgs, asked the pekerja dis and dat.

and aku ended up buying myslf selipar Fipper kaler biru. and off leave the mall. bkn kedekut or thgs like dat - tp sumpah aku tak pasti wat to get.

and aku had no one to ask pun.

i knw. it sucks bigtime.


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Monday, no?








reached the ofc by 7am. a bit ting tong alrite. but life's gotta go on. aku hav class at 8am for 2hrs, and after dat - aku gotta be behind the wheel off for Pangkor. as usual. mls sebenarnya, tp i hav no choice. esok and the rest of the days till weekend, aku pack.

looking at the calender, aku perasan ari ni dah 29th of Jan. how fast time flies. and lusa is the day. aku feel totally less excited dis time around. not as usual.

btw - its alrdy past 7.30am.. i was smiling to myself, in vain - looking at the phone. dis is completely weird. so awkward dat is. and dis is not like all those days way before, for years now. its weird when u keep holding the phone, and the same tot makes u put it down again. weird. super weird.

and it had me restless, as well.


sigh.






cant sleep. its numb inside. i had dis urge to write thgs in ere, but i dun think i can. i knw its my fault literally - and no one else. i am the son, and i cant blame any one else.

its hurt and its hard when ur in my shoes. i never raise up my voice at all to both of my parents. never. and i am sure i will not gonna do dat. and even by havin dis hurting feelings, too - i am scared it'll do me wrong. 

dis is jst not right. at all.

perhaps mak had her own reason. i keepin telling myself dat. but i am the son. her elder son. i remember abah kept telling me to look after her, and others when he's gone. i feel like i am failing. i shldve hav her in ere, wit me. look after her. 

or perhaps its me. being too bloody sensitive. no doubt i had so many thgs in my head, lately. myself, thgs around me, works. but i knw - those wont be a reason or an excuse, to be there for mak when she needed me.

its me. its solely me.


---


gotta hit the road for Pangkor again trow. and 2hrs of classes. wit dis kinda shyte  i am in - i gez life wld be jst perfect.








Monday, January 28, 2013

nasik krabs.


woke up early. lps subuh aku din feel like crashing anymore - nasik krabs nyer pasal. dorg ckp kena pi awal.. or u ended up mkn ati since cpt abes.

by 7am aku dah kuar rumah. way too early for me it is. its Monday after all. weekdays. saper la nak angkut berbungkus2 nasik krabs nasik berlauk bagai. sah2 byk lagi. or perhaps mokcik yg niaga nasik menung tunggu org dtg beli tapau.

but dammit. aku silap. ramai plak org yg dtg.menapau. dorg neh tak masak kat rumah je? basically semua nasik dah reda.. lauk oun dah nak abes. incldg dat fried coloured bee-hoon. bee-hoon kosong goreng berkaler pun abes? aiyooo

aku ended up bernasik krabs w/o the ulam. mencik. budu and sambal je ada. plus serbuk ikan ntah pe naaa aku tatau. tumis pun abes. huargkh.

makan je la pe yg ada. mak ckp tak baek ngomel2 dpn rezeki. plus "saper suruh ko bgun lambat?" kinda thang.

fine. i diam alrite.




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Sunday, January 27, 2013

by the beach.



bdk2 hav been wanting me to bring em all out of the hse, which apparently i dun really like the idea. cuti yg ideal for me is lepak2, read some good books and the idiotbox.

tp tgk bdk2 neh, aku rasa kesian plak. and their idea to hit the beach was a termendously good idea.

so, Pantai Geting dat is.

aku let go bdk2 main as they wished. masing2 lari bersepah2 mcm kamben kuar kandang. lantak la. asal tak de yg hanyut.

seeing em enjoying emselves, the laugher and such - distracted me a bit. at least. i knw my mind wasnt stay at one place rite now, but at least wit all these - i gez i am doin good.

otw back, aku borong sontam. my fav. and bdk2 neh msg2 hanyut and lena. penat i gez.

but i bet they r glad. as much as i do.



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gmorn!



bgun awal pg neh. sejuk giler. by 620am aku dah siap Subuh. malas nak mandi since it is so tak masuk akal mandi early at dis time. during an off-day. and wit keadaan yang sejuk mcm neh.

and only then aku remember ada jemputan kenuri bercukur rambut baby baru lahir jiran sebelah rumah neh. i was there time the husband dtg jemput sumer2 smlm. and obviously, nak tak nak aku kena pi jgk.

tapi kenuri at 7am in the morn? heh. sthg new. a bit pelik it is. sapa nak dtg if it is at 7am? tp bila smbg dgn Mat Yie, baru aku fhm. org2 kg mostly buat bendang - so buat pg2 tak ganggu activities daily living dorang. and mmg sumer org bgun awal since awal2 pg dah kuar nak pi bendang or keje.

except for me.

so aku spent around 30mins socializing dgn org2 kg, berwirid and do the usual thang for the majlis bercukur rambut. it is completely berbeza dgn the majlis sebelah tempat aku sana. sini lbey simple. tadak all those grande unnecessasry thang.

makan pun nasik bungkus berlauk je. RM1.50 sebungkus, and aku. mkn tak abes pun.

dah kat rumah. kelakar plak pi kenuri tak mandi tak apa. nbdy knws pun. skang baru siap2 mandi and golek2 tgk tv. perhaps aku bley smbg tdo jap eh?

tak complete rasanya tdo tak cukup cycle. esp cuti2 mcm neh. hehehe




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Saturday, January 26, 2013

Yusaini Amir.



i stopped by Bukit Bunga to hav a breakfast, and as usual - i took some time to peep into the Facebook and such - when i stumbled into a heart breaking news, dat i lost another stdnt of mine, Yusaini Amer.

he is a nice young man. sweet. very polite. he was sucha a fav among the others for his smart way of thnkg yet giler2. kalo salam dgn aku tak pernah lupa utk cium tgn - somethg yg a bit susah to find dat kinda quality in youngsters nowadays. he is closed to me - dia anak sedara a fren on mine; Fahmy Anuar - and upon knwg dat, aku lagi ligat 'bully' him waktu dlm kelas dulu.. asking q's and such. and kalo tak dpt jwb, i'll go like 'nanti saya report kat pak sedara' and the class will go bursting into laughter. and i remember loving the moment seeing him turning red, tersipu2 tak tentu hala.

he will definitely came around to my place kalo dia dtg ke ofc jmpak Amer - his penyelaras kumpulan. we will hav some off track gossips, and he will tell some tales. Yusaini selalu mengajuk aku wit 'kannnnnnn' on each thg aku said. we always picked on one another each time jumpak.

yet he never goes over board. apa2 sekali pun, at the end of it - he will shake ur hand, and cium tgn respectfully. i am so proud of him.

last coupla nites, time aku jadi juri utk Pertandingan Sketsa - aku stumbled into him. dia dah semester 4, posting PKS KK Buntong and he travelled everyday. upon seeing me, dr jauh dia angkat tgn. he came around, salam and we chatted for a while. i cant really remember thgs we chatted on, for aku a bit kelam kabut wit thgs. and suddenly he was off and aku din see him around anymore. and still - aku tak amek port sgt knwg dat i will still be able seeing him around, esp bila dia posting to Psikiatrik Ward.

but i was wrong. hes gone forever. aku still kinda shocked. and i am sad. aku still terbyg2 his crazy, witty looks. and a bit nerdy at the same time. baru aku perasan yg lately Yusaini posted a few status regarding dia serik naik moto since kerap havin small xcdnts. and finally he ended up the whole thg, wit dat bike as well.

aku still didnt get the whole pic of wat happened.. tp kwn2 dia ckp he had an xcdnt around Tol Jelapang, otw ke Penang.

dis is the 3rd incident for me. Muaz and Kifli, my own stndts. and now Yusaini - bdk Amer, tp very close to me. semua yg baik2, semua yg tak dak masalah.

and it keeps me wonder.

Yusaini, now dat ur gone - i am grieving and it is sucha a great lost. semoga Allah mencucuri rahmatNya, mengampuni dosa2 dan moga dijauhkan segala fitnah kubur dan api neraka. semoga ditempatkan bersama mereka yg beriman, bertaqwa dan beramal soleh. ameen ya rabb.

al fatihah.






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Friday, January 25, 2013

nyte.







by Maghrib, aku dah kat rumah. ujan still. aku tapau simple burger from Marrybrown - initially aku wanted to drop kat McD, tp ujan - so aku decided apa yg senang je. bought few thgs, and aku singgah jap kat Guardian. cant be long there, or i mght be ended up buying thgs i need not to buy. balik akuu singgah jap kat DIY. and alhamdulillah. aku managed to get wat i want God sake.


and before Maghrib, aku dah siap mandi guna shower head besar yg baru. so mewah rasanya.. haha


aku dah pack few thgs for trow. and aku bring along few books, in case it gets me bored to death. a lappy too. my music. it wldnt be long pun, jst for the weekend. but i gez anythg at time being can be a life long nye bosan - i'd better be ready.


thgs in my head. dat incomplete feeling. kosong. i dun knw. i gez i am running out of words to describe the thgs in me.


shall crash early. for trow will starts way way earlier.


gnite, where ever ur.





                                                                                                                                          

feels like Mown-day.








darn it feels like Monday, today. its so dreadful, scary to the max. i woke up around 4am to a heavy downpour. i felt so lazy to do anythg at all, yet i cldnt sleep. i ended lying there in the bed, under the duvet - covering my head to the storm. by 6.45am - aku alrdy on the road to work. it was raining still. and as expected - the road kinda sucked.


i dun hav any class today. for the first time after like 3weeks - aku kinda free today. still - aku been wondering y on earth aku need to be in ere at work - while the ofc is so obviously empty. ramai lecturers yg amek cuti terus till Monday. and i hav to keep reminding myself dat the 'tempoh edah' aku tak bley amek cuti  - at any day at all - with in 28days, starting 8 Jan yg lepas. argkh. i shldve be in bed. raining. cold. the nothgness. haih.


i hardly concentrate today. my mind was all over places. even now. i had dat one thang in mind, again and again - hitting my skull wit dis and dat. i knw dis wont be long. less then 2 weeks je pun. but then again - i never been in dis for all dis yrs. and it feels weird. awkward. its completely crazy. perhaps, i am the one yg crazy.


serious dis is somethg new for me. never been thru dis. 


---


planning to hit DIY after work. shower head yg aku beli smlm (aku planned to fix a new one kat shower bwh - arm joint aku dah beli last week) was way too big (i think) and the water tak berapa nak turun elok. aku remember apak kedai tu ckp smlm dat kinda 8" shower head needs a really strong pressure so dat the water baru akan turun like a rain. katanyer. bila aku fixed, turned on the water.. air turun menitik2 je - making me feel like shait. aku sgt tak puas ati. aku tak salahkan apak kedai tu - tp aku seniri la kot. aku hav to confess aku mmg bendul when it comes to all dis. it is somethg yg aku took like a life time to learn.


so today - i am goin to go to te DIY again, and cari saiz yg sama dgn shower head kat bilik air atas rumah aku. jst nice. tak besar. tak kecik. sedang2. rasa mewah tatkala mandi. bley? mcm c*pet.


haih. lambat nya pukul 5pm. and otak aku terbang way way outta ere, God sake. wondering. thinkin.













Wednesday, January 23, 2013

nite.








a long day, today. woke up as early as 5am - lepas Subuh aku dah kuar and on the road - heading for Pangkor. dah lama aku tunda the clinical visit, i need it to get done before anythg at all. by 9am, aku dah kat Lumut Jetty, tunggu ferry. terlepas ferry at 9, aku wasted about 45mins tunggu the next ferry. 


had a fruitful discussion wit Toden and Raja - stdnts2 aku yg posting there in KK Pulau Pangkor. spending like 3hrs, by 1pm - aku excused. aku need to be back there in kolej before 3.30pm - ada majlis penutupan minggu orientasi kursus2 pengkhususan (post-basic) and they jemput all the ketua2 program, timbalan2 pengarah, and pengarah itself. aku thanked God, sharp 3.30pm aku parked kete kat bwh, and the majlis baru je started.



by 5pm, majlis selesai. hi-tea, sembang2 jap, and aku naik ofc. 5.30pm - turun terus, smbg keje semlm as juri pertandingan erobik 2013 budak2 neh. kinda nice and aku enjoed the whole session. by 7.15pm aku dah otw back, 8.10pm aku balik there in the Dewan Sri Perdana - since jadi juri jgk for choir bdk2 neh. aku agak buta musik, tp each time budak2 neh mintak tlg, it is hard for me to say no.


10.55pm, finally i am home.


physically tired. mentally too. perhaps becoz of the both - aku cant help feeling numb. a bit left out. ntha lah, perhaps jst a feeling la kot. aku rasa lemau sgt sehari dua neh. tak semangat. byk mende dlm otak, tatau nak citer how and to whom. basically semua org keliling aku bz. and aku rasa aku pun bz tungang langgang jgk.. 


its January. few dyas to go, its gonna be end of January. and for the first time, i felt so dragging wit dis kinda feeling.


sigh.


gnyte.







Monday, January 21, 2013

a day in Pejabat Tanah, Selama.











mak!


 




Soleh, kak ngah and mak..


 





cik. and kak yang - bizi wit her Fifah.



 






us.
wit abah in us -
in everyone of us.
 

 





credit to kak yang.
pegawai dpn sibuk do tnya mak itu ini,
dia sibuk amek gmbr.
really got guts!
and see cik ber-peace.
bley?



 



mak and kak yang.
wit lil Fifah.






basically, me and all the aadik bradik we r glad thgs r settled. at leats, for now. there r still a few yet pending, and masing2 kami ada task masing2 to make thgs better, for mak - after abah left us for the  better place. ari ni, bicara kuasa pusaka peninggalan abah - settled. kalo fmly lain took like a long time to get it done (in fact - waktu sebenar for us was like 10.30am, tp since yg sebelum2 meleret2.. around 11.30am baru we got in), we - the whole fmly members took the whole process like 20mins je. and it went smoothly, alhamdulillah.


aku and adik2 decided sebulat suara to put everythg peninggalan abah - dr tanah, rumah, kereta, duit ringgit et al to mak. she'll hav all, insyaAllah. we decided dats the better plan,, for mak deserved to hav em all, and since Soleh - still belajar. me, i dcided to not needing anythg at all - and i believe angah, acik and kak yang sama. mak went thru a lot - up and down in her life, sama dgn abah dr mula dulu.. now she deserves to hav a better life. and Soleh - adik bongsu aku yg kami berempat syg -he deserves it well, as well. for dis still belajar, and tak mcm kami yg dah masing2 bekerja, berumah sendiri, ada sket harta and such.


aku cld see mak happy to see all of us five, berkata sepakat. alhamdulillah, adik2 aku dgr kata - tak pernah melawan or naik suara, selalu rujuk aku as the elder brother, and mak as ketua keluarga now. aku glad thgs went smoothly, tho msg2 penat dan kelam kabut for today is Monday - and everybdy is working. kak yang - terpaksa amek cuti together wit her hubby, and Aleeya, Husna pun terpaksa ponteng skol masing2. kecuali Fifah yg still tatau pe2. cik -supposedly dis dah kat KL for a course, terpaksa took time - to drive down ere all the way dr Changlun, and drive up there.. before naik bus down to KL, again - since mlm ni.. he needs to be in Citrus Hotel, KL. Soleh -he's lucky,. cuti sebulan. nthg to do, and lepak rumah mak abah kat kg sorang2.. aku? aku tak bley cuti for the whole 28 days neh.. rite till early Feb., tp terpaksa jgk turun since i cant afford to miss dis. 


and siap je ket Pejabat Tanah Selama, aku terus ke Bandar Baru, Kedah - settled keje hakiki aku, melawat keluarga Allahyarham stdnt aku and get thgs done wit the fmly.


moga wit all dis, abah akan lbey tenang di sana. moga abah tau, hasil didikan abah (and mak), kami adik beradik still able to bersepakat sekapala.. jst exactly like time abah was around 6 mths back. and aku sebg anak sulung -aku dun mind watever and however mak nak spend and use watever left for her -for dats her jurisdiction now. asalkan mak happy, asalkan Soleh dpt habiskan belajar, and be jst wat ever he likes to be in life, insyaAllah.


at least now i knw how it feels for those ppl out there yg gado2 sebab harta benda, saman nyaman among fmly members.. no, i dun knw hows dat feels.


for alhamdulillah, i din go thru dat.





its Moan-day!











no, i aint dat bad.
they get wat they deserved. hahaha








ok. ni group akak2.
ok la.. tp aku a bit kureng sket since kira menjerit2.
SATU DUA TIGA EMPAT.. LAPAN
err, akak.. tak payah kot kira smpai lagu tu kot..
mcm nak pi kawat weh!



 



errmmm, dis one.. is sthg else.
aku and Hafiz sepakat dat they shldve done way better
terlalu stiff, mcm Tugu Negara.
and masing2 muka yg sgt tertekan..
senat prot aku tgk.


 





hahaha.. gez wat.
oookkkk larrr.. w'pun agak SS.
bukan Shah Shahe ya, tp syok seniri.
yg dpt tu bersungguh2 menjerit2..
tp yg belakang ke ocean.

jadik nelayan. mcm Awan Nano.



 


but we love dis. they r fun, witty.
u can see dat they r enjoyin doin the whole shyte.
wpun no doubt dorg gelabah, tp group work is there
music wise is way better. 
steps? ok lah. way way better!





done wit urusan aku kat rumah Allahyarham Kiflin wit the insurance thingy and such - aku pecut balik ofc balik. niat asal - mmg sah2 aku mls nak masuk ofc., tp since dah janji dgn stdnts Kelab Erobik to spend some of my time as dorang nyer juri for Pertandingan Aerobic 2013 for dis yr; aku gagah kan jugak lah. bukan sehari ni je.. tapi 3 days in a row. haih.


kali ni 3 org juri. Puan Syikin from Pentadbiran, Hafiz and me. aku glad Hafiz is around as well, since last yr pun dia jadik juri dgn aku. cuma thn ni Puan Syikin turut in, and she make it more merrier.


ada 6 kumpulan ari ni. started at 5.30pm, ended upby 6.30pm lbey. over all, ok la. tp still ada yg sdey part pemilihan lagu, steps tak synchronized, ada yg syok seniri kwn2 lain berterabur, and ada yg baru warming up, tup2 trus cooling down. kelakar jgk.


tp ada yg did well. all of us gav em good marks ofkoz. they really do it fun, catchy, great music et al. basically, aku yg penat2 ni pun terhibur jgk.. its kinda good winding out for the day, really.


esok full blast kelas. pagi ke ptg. and aku rasa sgt penat now. fikir esok je dah cukup buat aku double triple penat. haih.







Sunday, January 20, 2013

angah's.



finally aku at ngah's. been thkg of bein in ere since awal pg tadi. but for some reason - aku planned to stick to the initial plan - esok pg je aku balik kg to see mak and get done wit the perbicaraan on harta and such.

tp aku cant help myself. aku dok teringat mak so bad dat aku rasa kosong sgt. and bila Haziq tel aku, tnya 'pak long kat mana.. pak long watpe.. pak long tak nak dtg rmh Haziq ka' kinda thang.. aku tak tahan rasa. by 6pm, aku pack bju keje semua2, aku solat Asar and aku off hit the road. aku went thru the highway, and alhamdulillah tak la bz sgt..

aku sggah kubur abah jap. dah masuk maghrib pun. aku buat tahlil ringkas, and off str8 back to angah's. upon smpai dpn rmh, bdk2 neh terlonchat2 terjerit2. and mak.. God knws. aku salam mak. aku peluk mak. and ofkoz, she looks puzzled. kak yang and fmly is around. cik smpai esok. and Soleh ada di Kubu Gajah, so dia akan bertolak ke Pej Tanah Selama dr sana lah.

aku dah kenyang. sampai2 je angah dah paksa aku mkn. teman kak yang, katanya.

siap2 for trow. byk dokumen nak bwk. aku thank God angah is around. shes more towards S/Usaha for the fmly, to us. and we jst helped her mana yg patut.

and we decided to put everythg under mak's name. i dun need anythg at all. mak is still around. and Soleh still belajar. he deserves better.

doin nthg. lpk2 layan bdk2 neh. and sembang2 dgn mak..

i am so glad to be back in ere!


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where wld u be?






 





wat if?


 


do u ever sit and think.. wat if? or perhaps, while ur drivin. perhaps, when ur about to dream. and the think of, wat if; hit ur mind. wat if u never said the first hello? wat if u never hav the gut to wish dat someone at the first place - for the first time? wat if ur pathes never crossed? wat if u kept ur mouth shut and jst let thgs past - or wat if u wld hav said jst one more thg?


wat if u had five more minutes? wat if u hav a second chance for ur own life? wat if u jst giv up and let go? and wat if, if ur not? wat if u cld turn back time or make it all jst stand still? so u wont be losing all those beautiful time ur missin now.


wat if u cld say 'i love u' one more time, for i long to hear it every now and then - or never had said it all?


where wld ur life, be?




---


good nite.










Saturday, January 19, 2013

describable, no.







regardless of whether u love em, u hate em, wish they wld die or perhaps - knw dat u wld die w/out em.. it matters not. becoz once they enter ur life, watever u were to the whole wide world -they instantly become everythg to u. 


when u look em in the eyes - traveling to the dpeths of their souls and u say a million thgs w/out being asked, w/out even speaking - u knw dat ur own life is consumed by their love.


u love em for a million reasons; it is a thang - and indescribable feeling.



*sigh*








 




..







 

gettin it back..









drama.jpg 





 so true..





change.














hav u ever think about changing? a change?


no one likes to, anyway.  sometimes there r thgs in life dat arent meant to stay - no matter how much u want it, to. sometimes change may not be wat we want. sometimes - change is wat we really need. and perhaps, u jst dun hav a courage to do so.


i had thgs in my life as well - dat i dun wanna change a thang. dat i want it to stay - exactly the way it is, way back then. for i still in love wit it. for i still treasure it - for it brings life, and the whole world to me. and i am glad i am still having it - tho every now and then, i am goin thru changes, and change isnt dat bad after all.


it make me stronger. it makes us, stronger. for sure.



but sometimes - perhaps ur goin thru dis well (i went thru it all!) - sayin goodbye cld be the hardest thg u think u'll ever hav to do in life - but sometimes - its sayin 'hello again' dat breaks u down and makes u the most vulnerable person, u'll ever knw. darn i knw hows dat feel.


sometimes change is too much to bear, but most of the time - change is the only thgs saving ur own bloody life.


and i thank God, i decided so - years back..  :-)












Friday, January 18, 2013

tgif.





assalamualaikum. good morning!!


its Friday. aku dah bgun as awal as 4am. alhamdulillah - managed to crash well. semlm pun aku tido around 11pm, w'pun awal lagik aku dah tucked in. aku managed to get done wit a bit of reading, a bit of marking and went thru some materials since pagi ni 10.30am aku ada kelas on Assertive Management wit budak2 farmasi. my first class wit em all. hope thgs will be OK.


semlm jugak aku ada appointment dgn KPJ, tapi aku tak pi. after berbuka puasa - aku rasa malas and letih sgt.. ngantuk pun ada. thus, aku ponteng. biar lah. nanti2 lah. its the same old shitto. aku dah naik muak. they'll definitely call me and make me be there. and i'll be there lah, if thgs r OK wit me.


called mak smlm. regarding perbicaraan harta pusaka abah. Pej Tanah Selama dah anta surat - there'll be a perbicaraan on dis coming Monday the 21st. kak yang clnt make it, since its Monday and she's way down there - so dia anta surat je lah. cik will be around. Soleh, kak ngah as well. and me - pagi2 Isnin tu akan shoot trus ke Bagan Serai, and off to Selama wit the rest. aku tak bley amek  cuti lagi, since at time being - aku r not allowed to take any leave or off-day for the 28 days hari bekerja. haih.


ngah told me mak tak berapa OK. she finally found her courage to stand up and clear up thgs, basuh baju2 abah yg left jst like dat for few months now, ever since abah left us. and cried all day. aku called mak. and perhaps - it was the wrong question aku asked her, like 'mak, mak OK ke?' and yeap - she broke down. its kinda sayu - God knws. and aku silently too, weep away. the only thg yg aku tak tahan - is to see mak menanges - dat was the one thang yg aku promised to myself way way back then, not to let into one. she told me shes OK. and i knw she is. she needs some time. and mak - she'll be OK. 


gotta go siap2. Subuh dah. nak ikat sampin plak. hahaha.. its Friday, aye?


u hav a good one, ppl!










Thursday, January 17, 2013

good AM!







had  a good day semlm. started the morn wit kinda vengeance - i had a fruitful morn. after lunch, only then i remembered dat i am havin MAPE class wit budak2 Sem 3. first - i dun knw why they choose me. MAPE is  an English class for occupation purposes, and i am not an English teacher pun. perhaps i am fluent at it - but dat doesnt mean i can walk into the class and teach em dat - for teaching English and teaching Medical subjects r two friggin, bloody different kinda thang.


so i walked into the class 30mins late, i made em listen to a song, fill-up the empty spaces (of the lyrics) in a group and make em gather around, worked the hell out of their brain - on wat they understand of the meanin of the song, and get it presented. group effort. i talked, they talked  they listed, and they get up on the stage, and shared their tot. done for 2 hrs - on Listening and Speaking. 


i dun knw if i had the substance. i am not sure if the stndts enjoying it well. but dis morn., aku bgun awal and bersahur - switched on the phone - there were 3 msges, from the stdnts. i wasnt sure who they r, but they claimed to be bdk2 Sem 3 - telling me 'sy enjoy kelas BI sir' and kinda thang like dat.


and i am glad! 


---


sleepless nite. crashed around 11pm, 2am aku dah bgun. aku ended up finished up marking the case-clerking and such. and i did some reading. 4am aku went down to the kitchen, had a drink, aeat a bit - since aku nak start puasa Isnin Khamis jugak, starting today. harap2 it'll last.


full blast classes today. and i hope i'll be ok.


hav a pleasant Thor-sday.










Friday, January 11, 2013

a long day.








its been a long day for in the office, today. i had like a full blast, 8 to 10, 11 to 12.30 and 3 to 5 of classes. i did enjoy doin it - no doubt. but theres sthg else really tested my nerve.


again - its the office politicking. i am getting tired of it. i feel kinda demoralized. i am sad. i had a dream, i nearly to hav it in my palm - and suddenly; here comes someone else - pick it up, and proudly go around and shyte wit it. i knw myself well - the wat-i-can-do kinda thang, my ability and such - and i knw dis guy as well. frankly speakin - i knw i am way better than him. way friggin better.


but then again - ur aint the boss. ur jst a plain cold shyte - they use u when they need to, and they keep u aside upon using u well. and me - i aint good in kissin arses, and dats wat dis guy is doin. i knw i shldnt feel threatened by it - but i cant help to feel bad about it. hopeless.


i knw kinda ppl they hav nothg - no pride and no dignity. they used al those sweet words, and get thgs in their way. aku sakit hati. Tuhan je yg tahu.


i keep telling myself to back to basis. the learn-to-let-go kinda thang. sometimes, thgs r not urs, and better off u let it go. perhaps - ujian Allah. there'll be more to come. i need not to be darn bloody greedy, hogging for thgs dat r aint mine.


malas nak fikir. not dat i wanna put it aside, and hoping thgs will get better. i mean - to think over it, makes me sakit hati. perhaps i shld let it out in ere, and let it stay in ere. i shall hit the sack, and trow will be another better day. Allah knws better. He knws way better.


---


gnyte.







it is wat u choose..






there was a time when u tot u cld change the world. ur right, and u still r. there was a time when u knew dat life was filled wit limitless. it still is - and so r u.


perhaps ur dismayed dat so much time passed w/out much noticeable progress. ur stuck in the mud. the longer u've waited to move forward, the more quickky and powerfully u can do - so when u choose to start.


to change - be it the world, or as simple as ur own self - and to fulfill ur greatest possibilities - does not require anythg from the past. ur mistakes at the past, ur hatred - or anythg at all in the past - its a matter of making a choice, in the present - to act wit positive purpose.


now - is the place where ur life resides. and now - is wat u choose to make it. wit a thankful, joyful heart - look around u at the possibilities dat stretch out in all directions. life wldnt be dat bad.


choose one of the possibilities now - and proceed to lovingly giv life to it. 


for at least - dats wat i am doin, now..   :-)


---


nyte. again. hehe












Thursday, January 10, 2013

home.












yawn!





aku rasa sgt penat. imagine semlm tdo lambat, and hardly pejam mata.. by 4.30am aku dah kat ofc since i need to be in Putrajaya by 8.30am. and the whole day i was there in Menara Prisma - and by 5pm, baru kuar from the building. 8.30pm - baru smpai rumah. aku din get the chance to think of anythg at all - aku jump into the towel - and off under the hot shower. isya', had my lite dinner, and now ere i am - thinking dat i shld be doin thgs yg tak siap there in Putrajaya tadi, but now - i dun think i wld pun.


byk benda yg aku nak buat - proposal research nak kena tgk balik. and aku tau - if i bring dis all back to the ofc, i wont be havin the chance to see thru any pun. and furthermore - esok aku byk kelas.


finally aku dah terima surat lantikan as Ketua Program Sains Tingkahlaku. menanggung je pun - since bos aku cuti rht tanpa gaji and akan terus pencen by end of April 2013. so, aku terpaksa buat dua kerja rite to end of April. hope thgs will be ok. aku tau - keje aku sendiri pun tak menang tangan. and i dun keen of dis pun. but since dis is the chance - to learn somethg new and such - aku take it as it la kot.. see how i can deal wit it.


---


aku rasa lapang sket now. been thnkg about a lot of thgs on the way back tadi. while the others r sleeping - aku tak plak bley pejam mata - tho penat dah terasa. perhaps therfe r so many thgs in my head jgk la kot.. 


i am one lucky man. in my situation - not many ppl will hav wat i am havin now. and aku will definitely appreciate thgs dat i hav now, and i am not regret of anythg, at all.


---


nak iron baju. esok baju Melayu. kelas 2jam. 2 meetings. perhimpunan mingguan. CME ptg. and perhaps, aku nak pi gym. 


hav a good rest ppl. nyte!










:-)




lama aku tak really talked to Hafiz. we r now staying in a difrnt level, holdin a difrnt post - so msg2 sibuk. tp tdi, before 2pm aku managed to talk to him for a while.

itu pun he xcdntly tegur why did i looked "miserable".

did i? tp it was nice. finally i had s'one to really highlight me the whole shyte. telling me how and wat shld i do and such. no, i nvr asked him such. but at least.

i am not perfect. i had my own flaws. i did mistakes too, in my past yrs. s'times we do thgs wit out thkg much over it, and we thk we will get it past - wit out it haunting us in the future. s'times we did thgs at whim, not bcoz we love doin it - but we jst cant help ourselves.

i am not perfect. and i am no one to ask for such. thus, i dun need any super-perfect in my life. i blve in life, we live life, we do mistakes, and we learn lesson well. not dat i want to be a perfect man, but i want to be wiser.

it takes so many thgs, to be dis far. and i hav no regret. i love wat i am havin now, and i wont let it slip away jst bcoz of a lil flaw dat any man under the sun, wld do. i gotta learn to forgive. and to forget.

for i am so honored to hav wat i am havin now, and to be where i am at, now.




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Monday, January 7, 2013

nyte..













i will never be perfect
but at least now i'm brave.




we struggle everyday. either u knw or not. perhaps u knw it well - perhaps ur in denial. we struggle in many ways. we struggle wit our own selves, we struggle wit our own tot. we struggle wit our past. our own mistakes. we struggle to hav thgs we wanted in life.


and when we hav it - we struggle to keep it alrite. we struggle wit faith. faith in ur own self. faith in others. we struggle to appreciate wit thgs u hav in life. and u struggle to be true - to urself, and ppl u love.


we struggle wit consequences.  sometimes u think u do learn ur lesson well, and u wanna change - still ur struggling wit the consequences. and when u knw ur facing dat - u'll be down. demoralized  u feel unwanted. u feel useless. and when it hits u rite - u struggle to face it well. u struggle wit ur own feelin. regret for the thg u've done in past. u think life will be fine. but it aint gonna be dat easy. and u struggle wit the tot and hatred in u when all the effort feels so fuckin effortless. u struggle wit urself, regardless u hav no one to point ur finger to. u ended up strugglin wit shyte in ur head, wait bloody tot u hate to death.


we struggle everyday. we struggle for the past - we wish we wld be way better than wat we r now. so thgs will be jst fine for us, now. Karma has no menu - we were served wit wat we deserved. we struggle wit the future - the unknwn. the past dat mold the future. 


i gez i am too tired. been a long, a very long day, in fact. and perhaps, dats the reason wit all dis bulshyte in my head. perhaps.


gnyte.



Friday, January 4, 2013

Fly-day? Fry-day?








a new day. arrived at the office early by 7am. there'll be a grand assembly - academic staffs, management staffs and all the stdnts, dis morning. and i gez i need to be early la kot. 


crashed really early smlm. by 9pm aku dah terbungkang - wit the lappy on, wit coupla thgs yg sepatutnya done by dis morn., left untouched. argkh. the truth is pun - aku btol2 tadak mood nak buat apa2 pun semlm - tho keje byk at the beginnin of the semester neh.  and theres coupla thgs running in my head as well - work, ofc-politik and such. sigh.


i shall put em aside. i refuse to spoil my whole Fly-day, today.


btw - its a new day today. i am gonna get thgs done yg mana dah due. and go easy on the weekend, insyaAllah.


u hav a great day ahead, ya!






Thursday, January 3, 2013

..








its 1am, and i am still struggling. i knw i am so tired - mentally, physically. but i jst cant close dis bloody eyes of mine. and its killin me. 


i gez i need to dis. i need to let dis out of the system. i need to vent dis out. for dats the way it is, for me.


ptg tadi - by 6.30pm - aku alrdy home. it was a heavy downpour all the way from Bandar Baru, Kedah - rite till home. the visibility was so poor dat i hardly drive well pun. and i hav to still concentrate on the road - for i was not alone - Nur, Shah and Wan my stdnts were around wit me to allahyarham's house. i had my eyes on the road, yet my mind wandering all over places.  none of us really did the talking, until i sent em all back to the hostel. done wit Maghrib - aku hit the road for Surau Al Hidayah wit all the other stdnts, for they wanted to hav another session of bacaan tahlil/Yassin for arwah - and aku ikut je.


done wit all dat, aku drove home. i wanted to be under the shower again so badly, get changed and hit the sack. i cant think anymore. otak rasa tepu sgt. i remember feelin dis - i dun knw how to explain - it was raining still and i felt so cold inside, empty. i felt so lonely. i feel like - theres a huge kinda emptiness cramping my lungs and i hardly breath. and i started to hav tears runnin down my cheeks.. i dun think i feel so sad about allahyarham Kifli dat left us dis mornin - of coz i feel sad - but knwing him, knwing dat insyaAllah he is in a better place now, and  i thank God. i cried for somethg i dun knw how to explain. i kept thinkin about abah - on days before he left us, how he wanted to solat so badly and how he cried each time he listened to azan - and how he kept telling me to remind him each rakaat of his solat yg dia tak mampu buat - dat when he's better, he wanted to qado every each of it. abah tak pernah tinggal sembahyang. and i knw how it feels for him.


but then again - abah was jst apart of it. i am still recovering from losing him. and along the way - aku lost 2 of my beloved stdnts - Muaz, and today -Kifli. but again - dats not the whole thang. it is somethg else. i feel empty. i feel so damn bloody empty, i dun knw how to put it into words. 


i knw i am not alone. but i gez i am kinda lonely. i am complicated. sometimes i hardly knw myself well pun. but i gez dats the way it is. sometimes i keep tellin myself to take thgs easy, and live life as it is.


i lost one of my good stdnt today. i was there seein his mom crying silently over the lost of his son. and i was there seein the dad - so confused, puzzled - not knwg wat to do, strugglin over the lost. and i jst did wat i shld be doin - jst exactly wat i did when abah passed away. and i do hope i am doin ok - at least.


its been 2 yrs Kifli and the rest of 92 stdnts around me. i gez i knew Kifli well. he had no premorbid kinda behavior - rempit and such. i dun knw. i gez semua ni cuma sebab musabab - he was riding his bike on the left lane of the highway back to Ipoh, when suddenly a drunk man jatuh moto in front of him - he tried to elak, hit the man's bike, swayed to the right (fast lane) of the highway and jatuh. wit in coupla secs., a big MPV yg laju hit him hard and he was terheret wit the bike, and immediately - the bike and arwah was on fire. his right arm thrown to the other side of the road, and he sustained a broken mandible, lower spine fracture. plus charred burnt over his left leg till it went disfigured, and burn over his whole right leg. 


i believe all the above was jst a kind of  'sebab'. the truth is - Allah loves him way better. 


mati itu pasti - its jst a matter of how. and when. and life - it will goes on mysteriously as usual, unpredictable. 


---


i gez all i need now is a bit of crashing. and i'll be ok, as the sun goes up - trow mornin. 


gnyte again.












al fatihah.
so long, Kifli Madlan.
u'll be missed, definitely..








Wednesday, January 2, 2013

hurmm






wow. i wonder over dis shyte - every year is the same - u can see ppl r talking about their new year resolutions - ok, dats good. dats better. but wat about the previous ones? did u get em all done as yet? or u jst dun giv it a shyte about it, and start a new one? or u've been carryin the same old lame - year after year?


dun ask me for one. i dun hav any. i jst wanna hav a better year, dis year - way better than the previous one. every year its the same. and at least i am doin good about it. 


but how to make it the best of the rest? i gez theres one key factor je kot - to make dis New Year the ebst one ever - it is ur attitude. its the way u most consistently decide to see life - will play a major role in the way ur life actually unfolds. right now - as the year kicks in - let us make the choice to make our life, and our whole world - the best it can be.


we gotta creat a new, improved year by goin thru it wit a new, improved outlook on life. we gotta make dis a great year ahead by choosing an attitude dat reflects our own unique greatness. in a year ahead - if u must and u will encounter many obstacles, and yet theres one powerful obstacle u dun ever hav to deal wit it again. and again. dat obstacles - the one u can get rid of for good, is ur own negative attitude.


jst becoz thgs can often get difficult - doesnt mean u hav to be difficult. no matter wat the sitiuation, i think - be positive. empowering attitude is always our best choice. stride confidently forward -wit the highest and best expectation u've ever had. 


ur life dis yr is wat u make it - so embrance an attitude dat will make it positive, fulfilling and great.



gnyte, 

assallamualaikum





Tuesday, January 1, 2013

sakit perot.






reached home by 5pm somethg. i thanked God since jalan ok je - i only took like 1hr lbey sket back to Ipoh, all the way from Bagan Serai. perhaps i managed to beat the  whole traffic - before it even started la kot. smpai Ipoh - aku merayau Mydin jap. i had nthg in mind - jst tolak trolley and ended up i din really buy anythg - at all.


i am glad the at-whim nye trip to angah's made me feel so good. knwing dat mak has been thinkin about me for weeks now (tho i make it a habit to call her every 2 days), but meeting her up eyes to eyes was somethg else. i was think about her lately as well. and each time aku nak call her - i ended lookin at the clock closed to midnite - and i dun want to disturb her resting. ngah told me mak nanges after solat, and each time after talking to me.


its not dta aku tak nak balik kampung, tp aku too occupied wit thgs at the office. and cuti baru ni pun - aku lepak rumah je.. sepjg2 aku cuti - since mak was at acik's in Changloon. and last Monday - aku cannot help missing her so much - dat after Maghrib aku terus pack and hit the road. upon seeing me at angah's door - aku came up to me, and hugged me - as if bertahun2 tak jumpak..


and i cant help feelin so bad then. haih.


esok dah start keje. starting a new semester. hours teaching makin meningkat - w'pun officially aku terpaksa cover up kerja2 boss aku yg resign baru-baru neh. dgr je mcm dah nak pitam.


but i gez dats the way it is. dats life is. aku jst hav to be strong and be a bit bold - aku will do thgs as good as i can, and walk my talk. perhaps - those can be my resolutions for the year aye? ermm..


no. i dun think. dats so usual kinda thang - thgs u do it everyday. resolutions shld be way better la kot - than jst dat. nah, i need not to hav any resolutions - dats my resolution.


ok - nak iron baju keje. and tdo. perot plak rasa tak sedap. too much of berries la kot. hope tak ter-berry.


gnyte!








01012013




woke up by 630am - mak gerak for Subuh. lama tak went thru dis. aku took a while to really wake up, until minimons dtg and bergendang kat pintu like a bunch of krazie piglets. heh.

and yeap - theres no such of smbg tdo after dat, esp bila all the mons mons dan bgun.

mak tnya aku if aku nak ikut mak go for a briskwalk. i was like.. err.. brisk walk? now? hahaha.. and she told me i dun hav to if i dun want to - and i knw she wanted me to. haha.. so aku pi la teman mak for a briskwalk. wit acik on his bicycle. as expected - mak had a lot to vent out. and as usual, aku all ears for her. makcik ni makcik dat, sepupu dis and sepupu dat.. aku dgr je la. and nyampuk now and then. we had a good walk. mak in proper track and such. aku? singlet tdo and suar bwh lutot. wit sandals. peluh jgk lah.

smpai rmh ngah, aku mandi and changed. aku pi kubur abah. senyap sunyi. mendung. aku spent sometime, baca Yassin and tahlil ringkas. and aku balik. theres so many thgs in mind. and abah was one of it.

tapau breakfast. angah buat cekodot fav aku.

and mak ajak pi pasar. argkh. aku din say a word. and i knew she knew aku tak suka pi pasar. and she knws too, dat i wont say 'no' to her.. so, pasar after dat.

and aku tunggu dlm kete. haha

---

happy new year. its 2013. a brand new day. and whole new new year. hoping the very best for all of us insyaallah.

---

i am so happy to be where i at now. walaupun abah is no more around us. be he is in us, all the time. and dats matter.








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