Tuesday, December 10, 2013

for Angie Rodep.

literally i was shocked. i am outta words. i jst dun knw how to describe my feeling. i was stunned, i was there standing - tryin to digest the whole thang, and make some sense about the whole thg. i drive back home jst now - crying. crying so hard - jst like i did a year back, while i was driving back home after abah being diagnosed wit Ca of Brain, Stage 4. questions came hittin my brain off, the anger, the hatred dat i used to hav is back in me - asking dis and dat, on why, how. the anger was way beyond comprehension - and the questions they need no answer. it was Allah's willing, and theres nthg u can do.

i was talking to Jack jst now, when he broke the news. my best-est fren, my sis - Angie Rodep was diagnosed as Colorectal Ca, Stage 4 - and its travellin up to her both lungs now. masyaAllah, she was here coupla months back when we were havin the English Course for all the pengajar. i remember asking her coupla times - dat she din look good, dat she wasnt herself dat much. she told me she was havin a bad cough, sort of asthmatic cough and it hurts her lungs badly. she told me she had no Asthma watsoever, and i told her - as usual - to drink a lot, to go get a doc, and to rest accordingly. 

and the next day, she told me she was a bit better. way better than the day before.

and coupla weeks back - she PM me thru FB, asking for my fav color. dat was weird. but i answered her anyway. God sake i suspected nthg for dats her nature - caring, bein so bloody sweet and nice to everybdy, incldng me. i look up for her, i adore her for her stance, her way of presenting herself - confidence, standing on her both feet well, yet at the same time so gentle in her own way. i love listening to her - telling about thgs, about anythg at all. and when i went for OBE Conference few months back - i sat beside her. listening to her words, opinions - amazed me. 

and when i was told dat we r goin to hav another session of English thang next week - i actually looking forward for it. i hate the course so much, but the idea of seein ur frens, the get together kinda thang at least makes me feel better. and a part of it - i wanted to see her again. i wanted to see Angie Rodep, again.

and now, shes not coming. 

i am crying still. i wld go lying to u if i say i knw how it is. God sake i dun knw how it is, Angie. i dun knw how it is for u - facing all dis. but at least - i was there, sharing the same pain, the same struggle wit my late dad when he was down wit dis. i knw the anger in me, the questions, the hatred. ur angry, yet u dun knw why. u keep asking y u, y us. and u had no answer for all dat. u started to learn how to swallow it down, and make peace wit everythg in u.


i will pray for u. i will definitely do dat. the question of y all the good ppl hav to bare wit dis kinda shyte - i will look for the answer no more. for i knw the qado' dan qadar of Allah Taala. for i knw Allah knws way better. for Allah loves u, Angie. for Allah wont go put u in a test - if He knws u cant deal wit it. for every single thg dat happen to us - theres a hikmah behind it. 

and for God loves u, definitely.

u will be good. u will be alrite. ur family, ur frens r all here around, for u. no matter wat u believe in, wat ur religion is - we r all around u. and we r all praying for the same thang - for u to get better. for u to be alrite, and be back on track. 

gdnyte, sis. i will see u trow. insyaAllah.

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