Tuesday, October 29, 2013

beautifully, broken.

for those of u who r in their 30's and up, hav u ever felt like ur kinda stuck?

for me - my 20's were flawless. i did everythg the way i tot it was supposed to be. the career, the life, the everythg. and everythg felt jst fine. like it shld.

and then - slowly, it wasnt fine anymore. it wasnt dat happy. or joyful. it jst seemed pointless and exhausting. no, its not like i jst woke up one day at 36 and tot, "hey, do i actually hav a purpose ere?". its was more like a slow motion detour from the thgs dat once brought me joy. suddenly, my life seemed sort of meaningless. i mean - tak la sgt meaningless, darn u knw wat i am sayin. i found myself contemplating jst wat in the hell the whole purpose of my so-called-life was. i knew i am a man, a someone. and all of those roles were blessings. i never took any of em for granted.

but for the first time in my life, i started to view thgs from the end of my life goin bckwards. like, "how is wat i am doin today to matter in the end?", not in the morbid way ofkoz. but in a totful and reflective way. as in "wat am i doin ere dat truly matters to me, and others?". during dis same period, i began to experience wat i now recognize as the onset of depression. ofkoz i knew it well back then, i am teaching the stdnts to recognize dat bloody pattern in life pun. maybe i am in denial - when i say 'depression', i din mean dat chronic depression grant me to be admitted, no. not dat kinda depression. damn. denial? and i had no idea at the same time how much dis wld affect my life and loved ones in the yrs to come.

u see, ppl in my fmly dun get 'depressed'. we grin and bare it. we pull ourselves up by our boot straps. we dun complain. we bare it all. bcoz no matter wat, it cld almost always be worse. in the very words of my dad, "jgn dok merungut tak tentu pasal".

while dis is somewat trus (whinners r kinda annoying), on the other hand its never good to deny ur own discomfort or unhappiness. to pretend dat everythg is fine when it sint, is a disaster waitin to happen. i realized dat now. and one of  the greatest challenges in my adult life has been admitting dat i am not, in fact strong to 'mind-over-matter' anythg dat comes along. to admit u cant handle anythg is practically a disgrace in my life. yes, i am no Superman. i am aware of dat. sigh.

so as my mid-30s rolled along, i started to feel more and more lost. lost and sorta stuck. like i had one foot on the ground and one in quicksand. each day was a battle to keep my knee above the quicksand and pretend everythg was fine. dats another thg we do in our fmly. u'd think we r the Baldwins, we r such great Thespians. but my acting gig is over. i've still felt a bit stuck in dat quicksand, but i've got a life line now. and dats different. a bit.

according to a very good fren of mine - depression in mid-life is extremely common. fortunately for me, it is far more acceptable now than it was back then. then, it wasnt OK to admit to or seek help for depression. back then. today? it is almost, dare i say trendy to hav a therapist? i hav a lot of shrinks around me, and u'd think dat wld be easy for me. 

but dat isnt y i am writing about dis. i dun care about bein trendy. or tuff. or honest.

writing dis blog and getting myself bz helped me keep my head above the sand. and i want u all to knw dat depression is a filthy liar. 

the statistics on the numbers of misdiagnosed and undiagnosed ppl suffering from various forms of depression r staggering. i want u to knw dat depression does not discriminate. u mght be and actor or actress, and attorney, a manager, a teacher, homemaker, even a doctor. there is absolutely nthg to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

and i am not suggesting dat everybdy shld run out and seek therapy or take fist-fulls of meds. every single person experiences symptoms and treatment options differently.

wat i am tryin to say is - u deserve to be happy. and if ur feelin stuck or if any of dis makes sense to u, talk to someone - if ur able to do so (i knw its hard). or let it out, no matter how it is. if ur not feelin like urself, there may be a good reason for it.  i remember my prof put it dis way, "we wld want to knw if we had symptoms of cardiac problems or Ca rite? well, depression is a disese or a different organ. the brain. y wld we let it go untreated if we cld live happier, more healthy lives?".

well dat makes sense. i had all dis wandering in my mind last nite, before i finally dozed off. i hope u wont mind, but i hope i'll be writing a bit more about dis as the weeks go on. i've begun a very intersting process dat i cant tell u about jst yet. but i'm  crossing my fingers it works out.

gtg. i need to keep my head above the sand. now. u hav a good day, ahead.

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