Wednesday, October 30, 2013

end of innocence.

"..who knws hong long dis will last
no we've come so far, so fast
but somewhere back there in the dust
dat same small town in each of us
i need to remember dis
so baby giv me jst one kiss
and let me take a long last look
before we say goodbye.."

The End of Innocence;
Don Henly



Tuesday, October 29, 2013

shut the pffttt up.

can i jst ask all the skinny ladies (in here, alrite) to pls shut the fcuk up bein fat? for the love of God, jst shut up. i dun want u to commiserate wit me, at all.

u cant jst gather up wit few others old ladies at my place and talked about bulshyte on how fat ur, and how good from Herbalife to Shaklee wld help. as if.

i see ur probably in a smaller/smallest size and really u jst dun wanna listen to ur horror weight story, or see ur headin bobbing in agreement wit me on anythg weight related. and if ur fishing for some attention, or affirmation of ur tininess - it aint gonna happen. so jst move ur itty bitty self, along.

not sure wat i am talking about? well ere is a list of shyte i heard a lot, and i dun wanna hear;

  1. dat u need to join me in the gym and work out - even if its for health reasons - jst shhh.. really.
  2. dat ur favorite clothes r gettin tite - seriously idiot, shove it.
  3. u love eating veggies! or fruits! nay over cheese! and humus dat shyte is awesome! - no. jst no.
  4. dat u used to be a size 0 but hav really packed on the kilos and now r tippin the scales at larger sizes. zip gal. zip. it.
  5. ever since the birth of ur last child, 10 yrs ago - u hav been strugglin to lose those last 5  kilos - unless u want to add a zero behind dat 5, dun even think of opening ur mouth. unless u open up ur bloody mouth for ur Lecithin of Shaklee.
  6. u pine for ur favorite ice cream, pizza, or my daily dose of karipap. tiap2 pagi ko tnya 'Shah ko beli apa for bekpes.. eh, sedap nye karipap ko beli..'. i dun care, u cld eat a gallon of ice cream and it wld make no difference.
  7. u drink tea tarik kurang manis (for 3 times a day) to save the calories - dis makes no sense to me at all, i cant even compute it.
  8. when u identify some mythical large part of ur body when i am discussin my growing chest - ur arms/thighs/tummy/eye lids/feet/wrists r all rail think, so bite me.
  9. stop doin the lean in confide thg where u whisper some atrocity u indulged in and tell me how bad u feel about it. chances r - i've eaten the same thang in multiples recently - dammit ur not making e feel any better.
  10. stop patting ur belly as if we r some how on the same team - shyt we r not - if u lost a kilo u wld only hav 1 boob. trust me.

u knw wat us men want u to do - we want u to jst shut the fcuk up. or better yet, we wld love for u to jst get up and walkaway when we r talkin about body weight. fake a washroom trip, feign a call from ur child, jst come up wit sthg dat makes us dislike u lil less then we do at dis exact moment.

we, i mean - i will fo back to lovin u in a couple mins., but rite now - i dun wanna see u - at all. jst get the hell outta my face. 

like, NOW.

beautifully, broken.

for those of u who r in their 30's and up, hav u ever felt like ur kinda stuck?

for me - my 20's were flawless. i did everythg the way i tot it was supposed to be. the career, the life, the everythg. and everythg felt jst fine. like it shld.

and then - slowly, it wasnt fine anymore. it wasnt dat happy. or joyful. it jst seemed pointless and exhausting. no, its not like i jst woke up one day at 36 and tot, "hey, do i actually hav a purpose ere?". its was more like a slow motion detour from the thgs dat once brought me joy. suddenly, my life seemed sort of meaningless. i mean - tak la sgt meaningless, darn u knw wat i am sayin. i found myself contemplating jst wat in the hell the whole purpose of my so-called-life was. i knew i am a man, a someone. and all of those roles were blessings. i never took any of em for granted.

but for the first time in my life, i started to view thgs from the end of my life goin bckwards. like, "how is wat i am doin today to matter in the end?", not in the morbid way ofkoz. but in a totful and reflective way. as in "wat am i doin ere dat truly matters to me, and others?". during dis same period, i began to experience wat i now recognize as the onset of depression. ofkoz i knew it well back then, i am teaching the stdnts to recognize dat bloody pattern in life pun. maybe i am in denial - when i say 'depression', i din mean dat chronic depression grant me to be admitted, no. not dat kinda depression. damn. denial? and i had no idea at the same time how much dis wld affect my life and loved ones in the yrs to come.

u see, ppl in my fmly dun get 'depressed'. we grin and bare it. we pull ourselves up by our boot straps. we dun complain. we bare it all. bcoz no matter wat, it cld almost always be worse. in the very words of my dad, "jgn dok merungut tak tentu pasal".

while dis is somewat trus (whinners r kinda annoying), on the other hand its never good to deny ur own discomfort or unhappiness. to pretend dat everythg is fine when it sint, is a disaster waitin to happen. i realized dat now. and one of  the greatest challenges in my adult life has been admitting dat i am not, in fact strong to 'mind-over-matter' anythg dat comes along. to admit u cant handle anythg is practically a disgrace in my life. yes, i am no Superman. i am aware of dat. sigh.

so as my mid-30s rolled along, i started to feel more and more lost. lost and sorta stuck. like i had one foot on the ground and one in quicksand. each day was a battle to keep my knee above the quicksand and pretend everythg was fine. dats another thg we do in our fmly. u'd think we r the Baldwins, we r such great Thespians. but my acting gig is over. i've still felt a bit stuck in dat quicksand, but i've got a life line now. and dats different. a bit.

according to a very good fren of mine - depression in mid-life is extremely common. fortunately for me, it is far more acceptable now than it was back then. then, it wasnt OK to admit to or seek help for depression. back then. today? it is almost, dare i say trendy to hav a therapist? i hav a lot of shrinks around me, and u'd think dat wld be easy for me. 

but dat isnt y i am writing about dis. i dun care about bein trendy. or tuff. or honest.

writing dis blog and getting myself bz helped me keep my head above the sand. and i want u all to knw dat depression is a filthy liar. 

the statistics on the numbers of misdiagnosed and undiagnosed ppl suffering from various forms of depression r staggering. i want u to knw dat depression does not discriminate. u mght be and actor or actress, and attorney, a manager, a teacher, homemaker, even a doctor. there is absolutely nthg to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

and i am not suggesting dat everybdy shld run out and seek therapy or take fist-fulls of meds. every single person experiences symptoms and treatment options differently.

wat i am tryin to say is - u deserve to be happy. and if ur feelin stuck or if any of dis makes sense to u, talk to someone - if ur able to do so (i knw its hard). or let it out, no matter how it is. if ur not feelin like urself, there may be a good reason for it.  i remember my prof put it dis way, "we wld want to knw if we had symptoms of cardiac problems or Ca rite? well, depression is a disese or a different organ. the brain. y wld we let it go untreated if we cld live happier, more healthy lives?".

well dat makes sense. i had all dis wandering in my mind last nite, before i finally dozed off. i hope u wont mind, but i hope i'll be writing a bit more about dis as the weeks go on. i've begun a very intersting process dat i cant tell u about jst yet. but i'm  crossing my fingers it works out.

gtg. i need to keep my head above the sand. now. u hav a good day, ahead.

sthg for nthg.

i am back to the old track - struggling to fall asleep; nthg new, i knw. nthg really bothers me for real, i think - but its like dat - i cant sleep when i cant sleep, and thgs will be disaster for the whole trow (i am not praying for it tho), jst like while day yesterday. i had thgs in mind - and i need to let it out. nthg sweet or personal, jst dat i feel like writing. its been a while, i knw..


plenty of ppl will promise u sthg for nthg, yet those r always empty promises. i knw u knw well. even when u can manage to get sthg for nthg - it does not bring any real joy to ur life.

the point of life is not to figure out how to get sthg for nthg, the real fulfillment in life comes not from merely consuming, but from creating. we cannot be truly rich simply by havin a certain set of material possessions. the richness dat matters is a  real iner richness, and the satisfaction dat comes from knwing dat we r makin a positive differences in life. changes - dat is.

i dun wanna waste my time wishin, hoping, demanding or beggin to get sthg for nthg. i believe dat joyfully put my energy into creating new, useful and beautiful value out of the unique abundance wit wat i've been blessed.

the great thg about bein alive is dat we can - thru our creative endeavors -transform watever we hav into watever we desire. dat amazing, limitless opportunity presents itself every moment of everyday.

if we wish to hav sthg of value in life - we gotta then work to create sthg of even greater value. dats the reliable way to be truly rich in all matters small and large.


think i shld hit downstairs for a warm milk. i forget to hav mine, tonite. u sleep tite. and hav a good day, trow. gnyte.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

salam eid ul adha.

i woke by 5am, i cant really sleep. by 6am everybdy dah bgun. mmg kami plan nak jemaah beramai2, bertakbir raya as usual.

abg ngah imamkan solat. penuh ruang tamu mak yg basically tak la besar mana pun.masing2 was so in deep wit own tot. selesai solat, kami bertakbir raya. anak2 abah yg lelaki, we take turn bertakbir raya - jst exactly the way we did all dis while, semasa abah around. now dat he is no longer around, it is our tggjwb to keep dis goin.

aku rindukan abah. esp waktu2 mcm ni. rasa kosong sgt. abah shld ere now. abah shld be arnd like he used to. he's the source of strength. for me and for all of us.

its still raining. aku akan ke kubut abah after solat raya nanti. since by ptg nanti, aku dah nak balik Ipoh.

aku hope mak ok. since semua adik2 aku r in dis time around. penuh rumah mak. and mak as usual wont leave the dapur and will sure all of us well fed.

salam eid ul adha. maaf zahir dan batin.

Monday, October 14, 2013


i am having the urge to write. but i am not sure of wat. ofkoz theres a lot of thgs goin on today, revolving around me - dat i feel like to share wit others - but i am not sure if its goin to be worth it.

its been raining since morning. and the kids r so restless they wanted to be out of the house but their mothers wont let em. i was thinking of goin to kubur abah since early in the morn., but then again - its rainin.

mak is bz kat dapor wit her daugthers and in laws. as usual. and me - i am stuck in ere wit thgs in mind. cruisning thw idiotbox is the only best thang to do. shldve bring in few books to read. shldve bring my sport attires so at least aku bley pi gym nearby.

as if it'll be open up as usual.

wanted to go out for a drink. but alone? i dun think so. and i had few frens around, if i want to meet up for a cuppa. but then again, they r out wit their own thang. and to go oit to the town at time like dis - sigh, i knw it aint a good idea.


Sunday, October 13, 2013

when u hav nthg to say.


i want to to begin by explainin how i write and blog. some of my fellow bloggers r so darn talented, so diligent and so regular in their postings. and i envy em. i like dat about em. i knw exactly wat to xpct each week from em.

i, on the other hand - am not so regular. lately. in fact - i believe there was a period of time somewhere close to coupla weeks when i posted completely almost nthg in ere. i used to be regular - early in the morn., at work, after work, before crashing. i write more when i am down. and when i am doin ok - i hav the tendency to forget the whole thang. but - dis coupla weeks back - i posted nthg din mean i am doin OK. i gez i was kinda hooked up wit loads of shyte in mind and not sure how and when to start tellin the tales.

i apologize for the inconsistency in blog posts.

my goal is to write few meaningful posts each week. meaningful. ha ha. but sometimes i hav more to say and i'll post more in a row. other times, i'll hav nthg to share (or maybe i dun feel like to share, at all) or i am busy wit life-stuff. u knw how dat goes, aye?

and u guys out there - i believe there r 3 groups of u guys. 1) silent reader - u really read. for u wanna read. 2) u read to knw me well. u wanna knw wat i am up to and such. and when u get to knw me well, u read no more. 3) u used to read - i mean, like all.. u used to. but now, no more. 

owh, watever dat is - thank you.

i jst wanted to xplain to u all, esp any new readers so u wont be disappointed or annoyed (really? hahaha.. maksud aku - ada ke org dok membaca dis blog at the first place? huhuhu). i will try to write when i hav somethg important to say. or to vent. kemain.

and i hope wat dat is - will be worth the wait.

Saturday, October 12, 2013


dammit aku totally lupa font ape aku guna for the postings.

sumpah nanti nampak chomot.

bad day. days. week.

sometimes i hav unreasonable xpctations for myself. i dun allow myself not to be perfect and happy every sec of every day. do u ever feel dat way? do u beat urself up and tell ur bloody self its not good enuff?

we often find ourselves apologizing for bein upset when we had every right to be. we make excuses like, 'dammit i am in a mood' or 'the news is all bad' or watever we need to say to explain the fact dat we r simply havin a shyte-ty day.

the self-loathing is a habit. and not a very pleasant one. its so ingrained in some of us dat we do it w/o even realizing it. our fmly and frens sometimes quick to accuse us of bein a bitch or hormonal or overly sensitive.

but the fact is - sometimes we jst dun feel like bein comedians or court jesters. we dun feel like painting on a smile and pretending we r not miserable bitch even tho we hav no reason to be.

and dats how i felt for dis coupla days. and it sucked.

i spoke wit a dear fren on the phone yesterday. she is so kind. she regularly reminds me dat i am jst doin fine. she likes me the way i am. 

even when i am not loving myself so much.

Doc Phil - ru bein a good fren to urself? *krik krik krik*

so instead of deleting coupla Tweets i wrote for the past coupla days dat clearly demonstrated my level of stinkin thinkin, i decided to giv myself a break for a change. i hav no right to blame other ppl for it, and instead of blaming myself as well - i am givin myself, a break.

i decided to giv myself permission to hav a bad day. or bad days. becoz we all hav em. i dun hav to explain myself or make excuses or finger-pointin, or chalk it up as an 'issue' of mine. i am allowed to hav a bad day. w/o apologies.

and so r u. as long as we promise each other to keep tryin to turn em around trow.

deal? *yawn*

life is not fair.

life is not fair. it never been, and never will be. some ppl r born wit powerful advantages. others r born wit cripplin disadvantages. for everyone, in different ways and at different times for each person - life is challenging. and altho life is not fair - i believe it is dynamic and responsive. tho life is not fair, and tho life presents u wit endless challenges; u hav the opportunity to do sthg about those challenges. 

one very important thg u can do is to dream, and use the power of those dreams to triumph even in the face of all the unfairness and the challenges.

it can be easy to assume dat other ppl r the source of life's unfairness. it seems obvious dat thgs such greed, jealousy, ego, lust and other human shortcomings r wat cause life's unfairness - and dat if we cld get rid of em all; life wld be rich and fulfilling for everyone. sounds so real, but it aint. even if we were to end em completely we wld not end the unfairness in life.

if u believe dat all of life's unfairness and troubles r caused by other ppl - consider dis; ur stupid and delusional. wake up, stand up, and giv a bloody bitch slap on ur own face. get real. think about how it wld be if u were dropped off in the most remote part of the 'hutan simpan', hundreds of miles fom the nearest person, completely out of the influence of other ppl - wld u still face challenges? wld life still be unfair? consider how it wld be if u were there completely naked and unequipped - wit no clothes, no shoes, no map or compass or gps device or satellite phone, no food, no water, no Twitter. no matches, or lighter. in other words - u wld be completely free from all the unfairness imposed upon life by imperfect, self-absorbing, self-centered and self-serving ppl.

tell me - wat wld u do? how long wld u last? do u think u wld continue to encounter any unfairness? 

so if u keep moaning dat life is so unfair - go get a life. who says life is fair? ur 'makcik'? life is unfair. 

and it will never be.  


You'd take the clothes off my back and I'd let you 
You'd steal the food right out my mouth and I'd watch you eat it 
I still don’t know why, why I love you so much, ohh 
You curse my name, in spite to put me to shame 
Have my laundry in the streets, dirty or clean, give it up for fame 
But I still don't know why, why I love it so much 

And baby, it's amazing I'm in this maze with you 
I just can't crack your code 
One day you screaming you love me loud 
The next day you're so cold 
One day you're here, one day you're there, one day you care 
You're so unfair, sipping from your cup 'til it runneth over, ..