Thursday, September 5, 2013

everybody's fine.

by noon, i dun feel like stayin in the office anymore. i hit home by lunch, and stayed in for a while. think of taking a nap - i ended up watching Everybody's Fine at Sundance Channel. Robert de Niro. erm, i finally put down the remote and stay tuned. and it got me stick to it, till the end.

its kinda dramedy i long to watch. its been a while. and havin de Niro, Drew Barrymore and Kate Beckinsale in it - its a plus. its about Frank (de Niro) - a retired guy - his dedicated work and education ethic put in his children thru college and into wat he believes, understands to be rewarding careers. but the children - Amy, Rosie, David and Robert disappoint him badly. its about a conventional dad - struggling wit relationship wit his kids after the wife passed away. all dis while - the relationship was 'ok' since the wife is around. its like everythg's fine. everybody's ok - until the wife left him alone. now he wanted it badly to 'have' back the children - jst exactly the way it is, while the wife was still around.

its a kinda situation when the kids wld called home, and the father picked up the call - and it went like 'hi dad, how ru.. hurmm.. mak ada?', kinda thang. and it went for so long, until the wife passed away, and the kids left in an awkward situation - finding ways to 'communicate' wit the father. they told her everythg, and him nthg. keeping Frank in the dark was how, as adults - they managed the relationship. until the wife passed away. so Frank sets out to make unannounced visits to each kids in turn -wit a shrewd sense of how it will embarrass and discomfit em -but wit a complex need for apology - an apology to em for havin been a tough and standoffish father - but also an apology from em; for not bein str8 wit their dad.

everythg when so nice, until David - his elder son came in.

i was kinda stunned. David was way left behind to be compared wit others - Frank worried about him a lot. hoping and wanting him to be the best for his life - and dat put a bit of pressure on David. 

it took my breath away for a lil while. and aku cant help thinkin of abah. Frank. David. and me. demi Allah, aku rindu sgt2 kat abah. perhaps bcoz i left the house way early kalo nak banding dgn adik2 aku. by 13 - aku dah tak tinggal kat rumah.. until aku dah keje, and stayed on my own. i cld count good times wit abah. aku hardly talked to him. i remember mak once told me dat abah 'selalu fikir and risaukan along' kinda thang. and i am not sure wat. or why. but he never told me so. he never told me anythg at all.

i remember i joined medicine bcoz he wanted me to. tho i had my own other dreams. but i did it - since abah wanted me to. and i did my best. but abah never told me if i was up to his expectation. if i ever be a good example to my other siblings. and he never told me if he ever proud of me. perhaps dats the way he is. perhaps - dats jst him.

no. i din blame him on anythg at all. after all - if its not bcoz of him; i wldnt be where i am now. i wldnt be who i really am now. i had a lot dreams when i was kid - but i gez it doesnt matters anymore, now.

at the end of the story - i was literally cried. aku rindu abah. and aku cant help to wonder if he ever feels the same to me. there r so many thgs i wanted to tell him.. to share wit him - but i jst din get the chance to. and i regret it. i really regret it, God sake.


July/August 2013 - wasnt good for me. it is in a way - but i gotta to struggle to telan all the bitter thgs till i can smile to myself. and it changed me. completely. i will never, ever be the same person - anymore. 


hell good.

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