Tuesday, September 24, 2013


i hate myself when i am in kinda state, unsure, insecure. panic. scared. my tots r runnin everywhere - run wild i hard contain it well. think of doin some readin will put me at ease.. but it aint. i hate staring at the phone for i never helps. i feel like callin someone - its impossible. its midnite - and trow is a heavy day for everyone of us. i sat ere in the dark - wondering it by doin dis, somehow or rather it'll help me out.

Dis insecurities in me - they r killing me. I hate it, let alone to admit it. I am scared, i am worried. I am used to be good in handling it - but i gez i am failing. I let it grow in me, and i let it suffocates me. its been a way back then since i last had dis - i used to smile to myself seein others havin such - but now i am strugglin. 

The fcukin "wat if" is another thang dat i am sufferin of. Yes. I knw. I knw it for God sake i mght hav been told u so - not to let it grow in u, not to let it control u. but pls. Dun gimme dat look. I am a flesh and blood as well. Jst like u.

The distance. The tot. The changes. The everythg. When thgs like dis - u cant help to detailed every shyte. Everythg. I jst cant help it. It grew in me, w/o me wanting it so. and u - u kept feedin it, making it worst for me. how i wish u understand. and how i wish u cld see dat clearly - dat i am strugglin. sigh.

God i hav no choice. But to sleep on it. I wish i cld switch myself off from everythg around me, so i cld feel good - even for a while. But i knw i cant. all i cna do is - i wake up trow morn., pretending everythg is jst fine. as it is. dammit.




Wednesday, September 11, 2013


if  i go sulking,
wld there be anyone after me?

its been a while..


Monday, September 9, 2013

AK in KL.

heard dat she'll be coming in ere to KL
dis coming 27th November
darn i am sooo i wanna go..



listen to dis!

ted keeps telling me he just turned 30
having dreams of being single forever he's gettin worried
and i'm scared too cuz im in the same boat
good women are rare too 
none of them have came close
me i haven't changed much 
you know how i play it better safe than sorry
instead of searching for substance at every single party
baby being part of this life 
i feel like im bound to end up
with somebody that's been with everybody
i need you to rescue me from my destiny
im tryna live right and give you whatever's left of me
cuz you know life is what we make it
and a chance is like a picture it'd be nice if you just take it
or let me take it for you im just down to ride
we can roll around the city til you finally decide
i got more than a thing for you tattoo and the ink for you
right over my heart girl i'd do the unthinkable

alicia keys ft drake.

Sunday, September 8, 2013


everyday is a brand new day. we learn from it, every day - every single sec leave u an impact if u really care. 

somehow or rather - life is like u renewing ur driving license. when the time is up - u go and get it renew. and for the rest of the months to come. i dun knw - it mght sound silly. but i do feel it  dat way. in my case - its 6 monthly. along the way, till ur time is up - ur hoping u'll do ok, so u'll hav no problem for days to come. and when the time comes - ur hoping for a bit of good news - so u cld go breathe easy for another 6 months, then the cycle starts all over again. its tuff. its like ur hanging on to somethg unknown, yet u still praying, wishing for somethg better.

and in the mean time - ur learning another one thg - expectation. u leran to live life wit less expectation. for u knw ur not afford to hold on to a high huge expectation. for the limitation ur havin. for the life ur havin - is not more the same like ur having, years back then.

havin all dis - as i said before - i feel like starting my life, all from the start - but in a different way. i appreciate thgs around me way better. i started to look thgs in different dimension now. i learn to to be thankful - everyday; for no matter how hard ur life is - at least u still breathing, and ever since ur breathin, other thgs will be jst fine.. thgs r goin to be jst fine.

mid of February 2014. another 6 months to come. till then..

Friday, September 6, 2013


i was kinda lazy to go out for a break - i ended up havin a time off in the pantry, alone. holding tight to a mug of 3 in 1 Nescafe - i had nothg in mind. literally - i do. but i jst dun knw wat, to be frank. i had nthg much to do today - most of em i managed to get em done Rabu lepas lagik.. and i feel like so lazy to leave the ofis as well - its raining after all. 

the janitor tak abes2 dok mop lantai dpn pantry tmpt aku lepak - and it reminds me of makcik janitor yg rajin kemas pantry, kemas meja aku and lap everythg atas meja aku dat she left no habuk at all - dah dkt seminggu aku tak nampak dia. dia rajin sgt - and each time aku dtg awal - she'll catch a conversation or two dgn aku, and aku kinda like it since she's kinda old lady yg rajin bagi nasihat dan bercerita about life and such. somehow or rather, she reminds me of mak kat kg. every 2 days - dia akn bwk daun pandan, koyak2, ikat and letak bwh kabinet kat pantry - aku makes the whole pantry smells nice. wit her around - aku love to lepak in the pantry, havin my coffee and meals there. kalo tak - pantry will be in kinda mess. nama je ramai lecturer pempuan, senior2 plak tu.. tp masing2 pengotor. 

tp dah dkt seminggu aku tak nampak dia. aku tak plak terfikir nak tnya anybdy. and aku baru sedar meja aku tak berapa kemas and tak de org lap dah..

i was sipping my Nescafe away when suddenly aku nampak makcik janitor came walking from outside of the pantry. she saw me and she smiled away. she stood infornt of the pintu pantry, tgk kiri kanan, tgk dalam pantry - and terus masuk. kelakar plak aku tgk. mcm penjenayah pun ada. she brought me 2 bungkus nasik lemak - katanya dia beli dkt rumah dia, and she loves it since they r tasty. aku tnya makcik pi mana, lama tak nampak and such. dia bgtau aku yg bos dia arahkan dia pindah tempat keje to blok sebelah, instead of level tmpat aku duduk. and she came up ere all the way, since nak jumpak aku.. and bg the nasik lemak.

she stood there infornt of me, telling thgs. at first she was reluctant to do so, tp aku tau somethg is wrong somewhere, aku tak desak pun.. but then she jst told me the whole shyte, and asked me to keep it secret - ada lecturer pempuan mengadu kat supervisor dia yg dia rajin menegur org, dan bersembang dgn other staffs/lecturers time keje. i was like, wtf? i knew her well. dia hormat org lain, w'pun org lain muda lagik dr dia. she do her works well pun. tak kan setakat tegur2 sket and sembang2 ramah tamah dgn staff yg konan way tinggi ranking dr dia (yg cuma sorang janitor), salah? she told me dat she's kinda malu since kena tegur mcm tu - as if dia tak buat keje langsung. aku tnya sper yg buat aduan - she refused to tell. cuma a senior lecturer, a lady, bertudung plak tu. kesian plak aku rasa..

aku asked her to sit, and join me for a drink. she refused. 'nanti org nampak, makcik kena berjawab lagi'. eh, duduk kat pantry makan, time rehat pun tak bley ke? 'makcik bley mkn kat bilik cuci je, kat pantry dorang tak kasik'. my God.

i told her to bersabar byk2. for everybdy knws dat she works well, and her herself knw it well, too. and Allah knws better. she jst smiled away. and left. tak sempat aku nak ckp thanks for the nasik lemak.

aku called Fina and Yus to join me for the nasik lemak session. both of the gals tak dak plak at the ofc, so aku left em both sebungkus since Fina was like 'ko tinggal sebungkus lah, nanti aku kongsi dgn Yus' kinda thang. ye lah, sebungkus. aku pun dpt 2 bungkus.

makcik left me wit thgs in my mind. how cruel some ppl can be. tak senang tgk org lain senang dan baik wit everybdy. penuh hasad dan dengki. we love the makcik for her presence makes us at ease, wit dat feeling of well taking care of. now dat she's not around - masing2 rasa pelik. aku rasa aku tau dat senior lecturer pun, cuma tak confirm, and aku malas nak fikir2, tuduh2 et al. lantak la. mcm the makcik told me - Allah ada, and He knws the best.

tak dak dah la org nak kemas2 meja aku, lap2 meja aku, bwk aku kueh for breakfast every now and then. the new janitor is a young lady yg tak berapa nak mesra alam, really do wat required to do - and nthg more. aku pelik dgn manusia mcm ni - bertudung bagai, dpn macam bagus - tp perangai mcm tu. aku tak faham. 

dah la pasal makcik cleaner. nanti aku pi library, aku bet aku'll get the chance to see her still. and aku tau - org baik mcm makcik neh, mmg ramai org syg. yet still ada yg tak suka and such. lumrah alam.

and yes. 'life's like dat kekdahnya', katanya one of my so-called fren. ha ha

Thursday, September 5, 2013

everybody's fine.

by noon, i dun feel like stayin in the office anymore. i hit home by lunch, and stayed in for a while. think of taking a nap - i ended up watching Everybody's Fine at Sundance Channel. Robert de Niro. erm, i finally put down the remote and stay tuned. and it got me stick to it, till the end.

its kinda dramedy i long to watch. its been a while. and havin de Niro, Drew Barrymore and Kate Beckinsale in it - its a plus. its about Frank (de Niro) - a retired guy - his dedicated work and education ethic put in his children thru college and into wat he believes, understands to be rewarding careers. but the children - Amy, Rosie, David and Robert disappoint him badly. its about a conventional dad - struggling wit relationship wit his kids after the wife passed away. all dis while - the relationship was 'ok' since the wife is around. its like everythg's fine. everybody's ok - until the wife left him alone. now he wanted it badly to 'have' back the children - jst exactly the way it is, while the wife was still around.

its a kinda situation when the kids wld called home, and the father picked up the call - and it went like 'hi dad, how ru.. hurmm.. mak ada?', kinda thang. and it went for so long, until the wife passed away, and the kids left in an awkward situation - finding ways to 'communicate' wit the father. they told her everythg, and him nthg. keeping Frank in the dark was how, as adults - they managed the relationship. until the wife passed away. so Frank sets out to make unannounced visits to each kids in turn -wit a shrewd sense of how it will embarrass and discomfit em -but wit a complex need for apology - an apology to em for havin been a tough and standoffish father - but also an apology from em; for not bein str8 wit their dad.

everythg when so nice, until David - his elder son came in.

i was kinda stunned. David was way left behind to be compared wit others - Frank worried about him a lot. hoping and wanting him to be the best for his life - and dat put a bit of pressure on David. 

it took my breath away for a lil while. and aku cant help thinkin of abah. Frank. David. and me. demi Allah, aku rindu sgt2 kat abah. perhaps bcoz i left the house way early kalo nak banding dgn adik2 aku. by 13 - aku dah tak tinggal kat rumah.. until aku dah keje, and stayed on my own. i cld count good times wit abah. aku hardly talked to him. i remember mak once told me dat abah 'selalu fikir and risaukan along' kinda thang. and i am not sure wat. or why. but he never told me so. he never told me anythg at all.

i remember i joined medicine bcoz he wanted me to. tho i had my own other dreams. but i did it - since abah wanted me to. and i did my best. but abah never told me if i was up to his expectation. if i ever be a good example to my other siblings. and he never told me if he ever proud of me. perhaps dats the way he is. perhaps - dats jst him.

no. i din blame him on anythg at all. after all - if its not bcoz of him; i wldnt be where i am now. i wldnt be who i really am now. i had a lot dreams when i was kid - but i gez it doesnt matters anymore, now.

at the end of the story - i was literally cried. aku rindu abah. and aku cant help to wonder if he ever feels the same to me. there r so many thgs i wanted to tell him.. to share wit him - but i jst din get the chance to. and i regret it. i really regret it, God sake.


July/August 2013 - wasnt good for me. it is in a way - but i gotta to struggle to telan all the bitter thgs till i can smile to myself. and it changed me. completely. i will never, ever be the same person - anymore. 


hell good.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013