its 7th day of Ramadhan, alhamdulillah.
i woke up by 4am by a 'voice' calling me 'izam!' and i was shocked. suddenly the tot of abah came floodin me and it was so intense - i jst sit there by the edge of the bed - shivering, shed my tears away, silently. i jst dun knw y. i remember abah wld called me out by dat, each time gerak aku bgun sahur. i sat there for quite sometime till i found a strength to pull myself together, washed my face and off downstairs to the kitchen for sahur. i never been dat way - and i was still confused wit it. its like abah is around - i cld feel dat. the smell of abah's minyak atar. the presence. its all over the room.
its nearly a yr now, and abah still lingers on. around us. around me. i had not much memory wit him - being an eldest, i was pretty close to mak. and away from the famliy at tan early age. not until at the end of abah's life - we became closer, we start talking to one another. until he din recognize me anymore. until every words he said - telling me dat he loves me, prayin good thgs for me - i am not sure if he knows wat he said. i still regret for the thgs i din get the chance of telling him. for thgs i din get to do to him. i always wonder if i ever up to his expectation. if i ever make him proud. and such.
theres so many questions in me, left unanswered.
i never miss doakan abah each time after solat - and i wish he hear me well. i wish i cld turn back the time - so i cld do thgs rite. so i cld tell him a thang or two, and i cld ask him if i ever worth a while for him.
and the rest of the day went so numb for me. wit coupla other thgs bothering me. aku kuar rumah awal, off straight to Kuala Kangsar. smpai Hospital Kuala Kangsar by 7.45am - which i knew i was darn way too early. balik, aku singgah Hospital Sg Siput - and get thgs done. i was kinda down, nthg amazed me for God sake.
but i knw - it is wrong to be around the stdnts wit dat kinda shitty face, alrite. thus, i gotta put all thgs beside - and put up another face of mine - so dat the stdnts will be comfortable to be around me. but the fact is - God knws how kacau it is inside.
by 1.30pm - aku head back to Ipoh. it was rainin in Sg Siput - aku drove slowly at the left lane - wit my mind all over the place. i hate to be dis way, but sometimes - u cant help it.
throw my nothgness at the gym ptg tadik. mls nak ke kolej's, so aku went to the gym nearby. get sweat, get my tebu and balik rumah.
and i am still thinkin of wat happened to me pagi tadik. God sake.