Tuesday, July 30, 2013

al fatihah.

Salam. Its Tuesday, 30/7/2013 - bersamaan 21 Ramadhan.

Dan (ingatlah), Allah tidak sekali-kali akan melambatkan kematian seseorang (atau sesuatu yang bernyawa) apabila sampai ajalnya dan Allah Amat Mendalam PengetahuanNya mengenai segala yang kamu kerjakan. (Al Munafiqun, Ayat 11)

Tot of doin dis trow morn, but since i cant sleep still - i think i'd better off doin so. keep in in me wldnt be good, for venting dis all out - sometimes, it helps.

its been a long day for me, in fact. i woke up at 3am wit the tot of abah - its been a year now - i sat by the edge of the bed for a while and off sahur. waiting for Subuh - browsed thru my hp, i was shocked lookin at Soleh's nye komen on my abah's pic posted, previously. aku rushed down, called mak - and its confirmed - pak teh dah meninggal dunia kat ICU Hospital Taiping, around 4am. aku terduduk for a while. no wonder i felt so uneasy. i cant sleep. beside of the tot of abah marching up my head - i had a load of others as well; including pak teh.

finally, after like 5 days in ICU - pak teh gav up. he was diagnosed as Severe Septicemia Secondary to Ischioanal Abscess. mak din plan to let me knw coz she knew i mght be bz. but it aint rite if i did nthg about it - so aku made coupla calls to the bosses - and aku off to Bagan Serai around 7am. abg cik and fmly also otw, plus Soleh as well. except for kak yang - she's way down below.

according to mak, pak teh (mak's 2nd brother) nak di kebumikan di Bagan Serai, dekat dgn abah kalo dia meninggal dunia. and i knw mak worked all out hard to get it done - w'pun byk suara2 menentang ckp mak nak over-rule watever not. and i knw - mak did the best for pak teh - her own brother.

frankly speakin, i dun keen of pak teh. and his whole fmly. since i was small. i remember wat they did to mak, and how mak suffered all dis while. but when i grow up - i started to let go. perhaps the whole thgs r between pak teh, mak and the rest of pak cik mak cik sebelah mak - and it aint got nothg to do wit me. no matter wat dat is - pak teh tetap pak cik aku, abg kpd mak aku. he and his fmly je yg dekat to us - yg lain2, kalo ko tak dak harta, forget it. w'pun kdg2 aku geram dgn pak teh - tp aku tak pernah kurang ajar to him. i shld thanked to mak abah then - dats wat they both taught us. 

last 2 weeks pak teh and Sakinah her daughter dtg rumah mak, ajak aku and Soleh teman dorang pi bincang ttg catering kenduri Sakinah on December nanti. aku mls, tp mak mintak tlg sgt - so aku jst go. and last week, tiber2 mak called ckp pak teh dlm ICU. aku rushed back, and spent sometime wit mak and adik2 tgk2 pak teh. pak teh ttp pak cik aku. and pg ni.. pak teh left us all.


Allahyarham Sharuddin Mohd Rejab.

and at least harapan pak teh termakbul. pak teh was there selang satu kubur dgn abah. w'pun along the life, pak teh selalu berlainan pendapat dgn abah, tp aku tau - pak teh syg dan hormatkan abah. i jst knw. mak? she looked so calm, tho i caught her coupla times wit tears running down her cheeks. mak kept telling me dat 'mak tak dak apa2..', which i do really hope she is ok. she's strong, i knw. but then again - only the stronger will face dis well - mak kehilangan abah thn lps, and today - his own brother.


and hari jgak - genap sethn abah tinggal kami. 10 Ramadhan thn lepas, at dis particular date. aku still feel like it was yesterday. i still feel the numb, the hole in me. the struggle - dat i jst cant show it out to mak or adik2 aku - for i knw they need me to be strong, for em all to stay strong. and it hurts me so much i dun hav words to tell. 


pak teh dah kembali ke rahmatullah. dan Allah takdirkan abah dkt dgn dgn pak teh, pergi tinggalkan kami pd tarikh yg sama. bulan yg sama - di bulan yg Ramadhan yg mulia. along doakan abah dan pak teh di tempatkan bersama meraka yg beriman, bertaqwa dan beramal soleh, dan mereka2 yg mendapat syafaat serta kasih dan syg Nya. along doakan abah dan pak teh di jauhkan siksaan api neraka, fitnah kubur dan dipermudahkan segala-galanya, insyaAllah. sebyk mana pun kami syg kan abah dan pak teh - Allah lagi syg kan abah. dan pak teh juga. 

ameen ya rabb.


and i wonder how its like for me. when. and such.


Monday, July 29, 2013

passport. ic pics.

aku paling meluat isi borang2 neh sumer. be it pe2 borang sekali pun. even borang feedback, survey watever not. aku rasa mcm buang masa agt2. sometimes benda yg kita dok isi tu sumer dorang dah ada the whole shyte in the system - tp still kena isi borang. paperless lah sgt. paperless my arse.

and tiap kali isi borang - kena taruk gambar passport. ini lagik satu hal. and each time kena taruk gambar, aku kena amek gambar baru. since aku jenis tak reti simpan negative (dulu2 lah) or cd gambar neh elok2. nak letak gambar lama - aku rasa mcm keji la plak. nek letak gambar baru - aku kena gigih pi kedai amek gambar baru lah.

sampai aunty kedai pun dah kenal aku. and each time - she'll go like, 'u mau isi borang ka?' like dat. heh. 

so bawah neh - gmbar2 ic/passport yg ada dgn aku. gambar ada, tp again the negatives/cds ntah mana2 aku letak. so pagi tadik, since dah amek gmbr baru - aku berazam akan simpan the cd elok2, so dat if there'll be a time aku need to fill up another stupid forms - i wont be needed to see dat aunty again, and swallow down her sarcastic remarks. never, again.


gambar ic time kecik2.. abah simpan.
umur 7yo, and 12yo.

innocent kan? well, i am still!

sorry, aku pun sedih tgk rambut aku tu.
mcm baru lps kena rogol.
dis is like in 2005 kot.

dis is not me.
tho i wish! hahaha

argkh. i hate dis as well.
muka berminyak mcm bley goreng ikan jaket belah tengah.
and dat aunty pun sgt2 kejam, tak ckp pe2 pun.. main amek je.
and - yeah. senyum plastik.

dis one ok sket kot.
w'pun u can still spot the plasticity in the smile.
apa2 lah nok.

 dis is in 2012.
time ada rambut. actually aku suka pi neh.. 
matured sket kot. hahaha

and dis is 29 Julai 2013.
ari ni lah.
yes - despite of aku baru trimmed rambut janggut misai bagai semlm
aku rasa gmbr neh agak over.
aunty baru belajar Photoshop kot? sgt flawless, ok!
maybe wuduk. maybe Fair & Lovely (mmg tak lar!). heh.

tp nampak kurus sket eh?

aku dah merepek.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

mintak nyawa.

done wit the first 4 hrs. 8 to 10, and jst now 11 to 1pm. frankly speakin - tekak aku dah perit sgt. penat jgk nak make sure semua stdnts btol2 paham before u off leave the class. mmg senang - u tell me all those adult learning watever not. but  then again - they need to understand the basic, the core and the concept first before they ready to go venture the new thgs in the library and such. 

and to do dat - it wasnt dat simple. the readiness is one thg. and the way u explain thgs to make complicated thgs, simple is another. and teaching Psychology is not as easy as u mght thing. ur moving around thgs u cant see and such - dat makes thg worst.

and mengajar budak2 Sem 1 kali - aku cld sense dat 'kurang umphhh' lah. tak tau nape. maybe sebab sumer laki la kot. tp tak jugak. but.. i dun knw. they r less responsive, no matter how u go trigger em. so kinda lemau and berdaya-less. aku ada jgk ngajar budak2 lain - and they r different. yes, i knw - i cant go main serkup je judgement em mcm tu je - based on bdk2 lain nyer kelaku. tp ntah la.. w'pun ttp ada few yg askin questions and such - tp the mojo is like nowhere to be found.

after dis dgn budak2 Farmasi Sem 3. and they r rock. i mean - i enjoy teaching em. and today's class lebih towrds practical and not much of u-sit-the-and-listen-to-my-preach. i hope thgs goin to be ok.

nak nap jap la. and nak pi pantri. tibe. hahaha

ok. the above tadak kena mengena wit the writing.
but i am sure they looks.. er

a looooong day!

ok. here we go. i am alrdy in the office i am ready for the whole freakin day. no, no. i am not hoping it'll be a one freakin day larr.. i hope it'll a nice good one for me. 8 -10am on Psycho; Teori Perkembangan Manusia, 11 - 12pm on Psycho; Personaliti Manusia and 2 - 5pm wit the farmasi. argkh. i knw.

owh, in between - 10 to 12.30pm aku kena observe my other staff do her P&P. caneh? maybe aku masuk sejam je la.. since 11 - 12pm aku sendiri ada kelas yg aku cant afford to miss.

basically during Ramadhan neh, aku kalut sket wit classes. mmg lumrah aku awal2 semester tunggang langgang sket - since topik2 aku sumer awal2semester. tp kali neh. lain sket. extra tunggang langgang. most of the penyelaras knew dat i am leavin by end of Aug/early of Sept., so dorg pushed all the hrs earlier - leavin aku terkelip2 mata mcm ikan puyu. no, not ikan puyu lah. ikan emas. chomel sket. LOLs.


air.. air..


and by end of the day - maybe by 5pm.. or maybe post-gym - i'll be lookin like dis. mopping the floor mcm Suster Ngesot. hahaha.. erm, aku shld go catch dis Suster Ngesot. mcm best.

ok lah. merepek je. kelas yo! hav a good day, ppl.


Tuesday, July 23, 2013

let go.

its ok dat u've wasted some time. but its not ok to continue doin so.

there nthg wrong wit the fact dat u've made some mistakes.and all u hav to make sure is u've learned from those mistakes and use it to make some progress.

quickly and fully forgive urself for any shortcomings in the past. the diligently get to work creating a bright and valuable future - starting where ur at right now. dun allow the past to imprison u and discourage u - instead, let the opportunities of the present inspire u to take a solid, effective action.

life is now. so be ere now and stop livin in the past. giv ur focus to wat u can do wit now. life is now, so live it now w/o bein weighed down by wat has alrdy come. and gone.

be truly thankful for wat has brought u ere, watever it may hav been. then let the past go, and let urself soar into a magnificent, fulfilling future.

good luck!


by 7am aku dah kat ofc - today i am havin no class, no appointments but still i hav like loads to do. plus preparation for trow classes. esok - i'll be on the dance floor lah, since kelas full strike, full day from 8 to 10, 11 to 1 and 2 to 5. matilarr.. so hari ni, i gotta make sure while doin the rest of the jobs, aku nak duduk cukup2 for trow tak sempat pun nak duduk2. bley?

8am - one of my staff's nye class and i need to observe the P&P process.. in Malay, they call it 'pencerapan'. dun ask me wat is cerap means. kena bukak kamus dulu. basically, i gotta go in the class together wit the lecturer, sit at the back and observe the P&P process - thru out the lecture. the method used, the participation of the stdnts etc. frankly speaking - aku dun mind di cerap, rather than sittin there alone, doin the observation and hav to come up wit a report. i dun knw. some ppl told me 'apa susah? ko duduk je kat belakang tu, tgk pe patut', and i knw dats the way it is. tp the fact is - its soooo boring. ofkoz - there r a lot to learn - tgk methodology org lain, the approaches used. tp then again - its booooooooring.

aku nyer staf ada 3 org. sumer pempuan. 2 baru, sorang senior. yg baru neh, ofkoz lah - there r a lot to learn. kdg2 stdnts plak yg take control the whole class. yg senior plak kdg2 agak SS. bukan Shah Shahe ya, tp syok sendiri. esp pempuan. hahaha.. once dorg bukak mulut leter.. and dats it. tp, msg2 la kot. bg aku no matter wat method, wat approach ur using - as long as at the end of the class - stdnts faham and get the hang of the whole idea - dats all dat matters. aku pun byk lagik nak bljr, w'pun dah nearly 8thn lecturing. aku still kena tegur dgn Timb. Pengarah (Akademik) yg observed aku on dis and dat. and aku terima as a learning process - to improve for betterment.

kelas 2jam, tp aku duduk sejam je. then aku mintak izin kuar by the time dorng take five. naik ofc, Ain ckp Puan Faridah was lookin out for me since ada mesyuarat pagi (yg semlm tak jadik and postponed) is on, since 8.30am lagik. haih. dah dkt setgh jam siak.. so aku masuk bilik mesyuarat, duduk diam2 buat muka tak bersalah. ye lar, bukan aku pi mkn pun. aku buat keje hakiki. 


and dis is the hasil of post-mesyuarat pagi. dah la masuk lambat, and generally aku not sure mender ntah dorang dok bncg. jap Pengarah ckp, jap senior neh pintas, jap Ketua Program ni sampuk. aku as on of the Ketua Program yg still berhingus - aku diam and senyum2 je la. Hafiz aku tak nampak pun. as a Ketua Subjek, he shld be in jgk. gampang mamat neh. always escape. heh.

naik ofc., kena brief plak staff2 bwh aku. sah2 la makcik2 neh byk soal. blergkh. 

but wait, wat to brief? hahahaha

bersukan ke ko?

salam, selamat pg. its 14th Ramadhan.

erm.. i thank God since aku sedari kecil lagi, mak mmg particular in how her kids ber-ettique and the dressing ethics as well. mak bukan lah Norma Norell. and she din hav any official qualification pun in such. but she taught us well - on how to dress up for some occasion - bila time nak tuck ur shirt in, bila nak bertali pinggang et al. plus how and when to dress down - wats the appropriate accasion dsbnya. it mght sounds tedious, but it really helps, a lot. at least aku tau wat to wear at certain time - colors, the mix and match, bila time nak dress down wit round neck tee and suar bwh lutut plus selipar tandas, and bila time nak pakai jeans tuck in wit a tali pinggang. 

er, jeans and tuck in wit tali pinggang? wait. no. dat aint me. hahaha

abah pun sama - he taught me which kemeja u need not to tuck in, and which to tuch in. i gez dats influenced me a lot - for wat i am now. no, i din say dat i am good - but at least, aku tau the appropriateness. 

mak cukup tak setuju bila anak2 lelaki dia pakai 'comot' and selekeh pi surau or masjid. be it jst for sembahyang berjemaah, or let alone on Friday. pi masjid kena lah pakai kain pelikat and berbaju melayu. or kalo rasa ok, pakai je baju melayu and suar. its the appropriateness, nak mengadap Yang Esa.

tak payah la gigih bersampin time ko pi jemaat Maghrib. u knw wat i mean.

and dats y aku a bit allergic tgk budak2 neh dtg surau berjemaah pakai track-bottom. track-bottom? ko pehal? nak pi main bola ke? kinda thang. especially budak pempuan. track tu la ko pi param. track tu la ko pakai rayau2 around the hostel, pi tgk tv, pi kantin. track tu jugak ko turun padang. sama lah budak lelaki pun. tak masuk ko pakai track jugak pi tdo. i knw - u mght hav all the track-bottom for all occasion, and ur track-bottom mght be clean and such.. but again - the dressing ethics.

again - its not the question tutup aurat and such. bley ke tak bley. no. its not dat. or 'lantak la aku nak pakai apa.. asal kan tutup aurat' gtew. no. its the dressing ethics.

ko nak pi jumpak Allah Taala, ko pakai track-bottom wit printed tee. and to make it worst, track-bottom wit baju melayu. track-bottom wit baju melayu, ok! ofkoz tutup aurat. but the appropriateness. kalo ko pi dating tau plak pakai properly. or time pi kelas - siap dress up kalah artis K-Pop. and dis is ko nak jumpak and ngadap Allah Taala. haih.

so smlm, aku sound nicely few stdnts yg nyakitkan mata aku. tak kisah lah ko dah cuci track-bottom ko dgn Booomm! ka and ko dah taruk Softlan like nbdy biz. and tak kira la ko dah allocate khas sehelai track-bottom khas utk dtg surau. no! its the dressing ethics. ada yg sengih2, ada yg 'ok sir' but i knw deep in like 'ko pehal?' mcm tu.

gambar contoh.
tiada kaitan dgn yg idup dan yg mati.

and a stdnt told me yg pakai track-bottom neh dr jenis2 'nonok' watever not. 'nonok'? hahaha.. mencharut tu kan? aku tak tau la. hahaha.. but then again - i believe to start small. if u dun manage to stick dis small change, u'll hav trouble to stick on the big one. 


Monday, July 22, 2013

selamat berbuka!

by 6.15pm, aku blah dr gym. cukup la sejam. i think lama2 pun it wldnt makes u zrassssss trus ketul2 watever not. frankly speakin, aku enjoyin myself workin out in Ramadhan. knwing dat u'll break the fast soon, knwing ur energy dah like ujung2 je, and setting a limit enough for an hour per session makes me do thgs all out and sweat like, er.. u knw wat it is. rather than the other days - aku spent like 1.5 to 2 hrs there and like byk buang masa.. i'd love to jump on the wt scale again today - tapi biar dulu lah.. baru je last week timbang. excited plak. hahaha

singgah beli air tebu as usual. dinch air kelapa. aku started amek air kelapa plak instead of tebu like startin last week.. tp mcm tak puas ati je. so today, aku back to tebu. no doubt. tebu and the tebugasm it brings. owhh.. tetibe.

tot of goin to surau kolej for terawih mlm ni. all dis while aku dok pi surau taman je, think of wanting a bit of change la kot.


btw - aku dah tukar layout blog aku neh. i bet u guys dah perasan la kot, kalo u guys dah tengok. or err, aku je perasan as if ada org dok tgk blog aku? hahaha.. apa2 lah. i think now its much better la kot, rather than the same theme i've been using for the past 3 yrs if i am not mistaken. aku remember a fren of mine did ask - y black? and i was like, er.. simple. i need no color for it, kinda thang. now i beg to differ. a bit of colors make u life way better. so tell me wat u think. or maybe u hav a different perspective to share. jst dat - colors do wonders, sometimes.

i think.

gtg. nak turun siap2. selamat berbuka yo!


at least i had a good day, today. and its Monday, everybdy knws dat. i had like 2 meetings to attend - but both of em tak jadik and postponed to some other days. thank God. and i had no class today, and no appointments yeay. so aku managed to sit down and settled a lot of thgs, alhamdulillah.

aku managed to get done wit the jadual pencerapan staff bwh jagaan aku - as requested by Timbalan Pengarah Akademik. and starting trow - aku will be sitting at the back of the class, evaluating. or i mght be ended up sleeping. haaaa.. hahaha

and finally aku siap marking all the case-clerking yg hazab sgt bg aku nak go thru every each of it. and again, alhamdulillah - settled.

ok. nak Asar, and off to the gym. see ya!

keys to happiness.


everyone has one common goal in life - to achieve true happiness. thus - i wanna share wit u guys wat i've read thru out the weekend about it - who knws. 

life - can either be somethg u can embrace or sthg u hide from. i gez we gotta stop make thgs complicated and jst live life as it is. it wld be so much simpler and more enjoyable if we learned to jst release certain limitations - so, go on. and read! who knws, they'll help u. as it does, to me!

  • the approval of others - who givs a shyte wat other ppl think? if ur happy wit ur decision u've made, then the whole business is dat but ur own? think of how much u cld achieve if u stopped letting other ppl's opinions dictate the way u live ur life.
  • anger/resentment - anger will eat at u from the inside. learn how to make peace wit those who hav wronged u. dis isnt about lettin the other person off the hook - its about alleviating the pain dat resonates w/in u. keep in mind dat he who angers u - controls u.
  • -ve body image - theres only one person's opinion u shld be concerned wit when it comes to ur body and dat is u. no one persons determines wat the "correct" body type is. if ur comfortable w/in ur own skin, and ur healthy - then dat shld be the only thg dat matters. dun let others tell u dat ur not beautiful bcoz if ur believe ur, then ur.
  • idea of a perfect partner - theres no such. so throw ur checklist out the window. in life, wat prevents us from moving forward is lookin at the perfect image of a partner we concoct in our minds. find dis for u - one dat u can love wit all ur heart, one u feel comfortable wit, and one dat accepts u for the person ur. the sooner u realize there isnt one perfect person out there for u - the better off u will be.
  • perfect life - again, there is no such! i dun hav a perfect life, either. life is wat u put into it, so if ur not willing to work hard and put forth effort; u'll most likely end up miserable. the choices u make will directly reflect the life u lead. its up to u to create the best possible world for u.
  • ur goin to be rich - too many ppl live their lives wit the tot dat they will be millionaires. while dis can be a realistic goal for some, it is not sthg dat can be achieved w/o hard work and dedication. so find a career, stop moaning and immerse urself in it completely.
  • the idea dat good fortune will arrive at ur doorstep - u gotta go out into the world and actively look for fulfillment. u cannot take a backseat in life and xpct thgs to happen for u. appreciate the life u live, and be grateful for wat u hav. value each minute of everyday. live like theres no tomorrow and make the most out of any situation.
  • excuses - make no time for excuses. u wanna hit the gym, but u dun hav time? bulshyte. wake up early and do so. excuses r only rationalizations dat make u feel about urself for not doin sthg u want/need to be doin. u desire results? stop bitching, bitch. and start doin.
  • tot of ur ex - trust me; dis person is ur ex for a reason. if ur goin to thnk of him or her at all, try and think about the lessons dat experiences taught u. do not linger on any old feelings, as dis will inly prevent u from bein happy wit someone else in the future.
  • stubbornness - i knw its hard to admit, but stimes ur jst wrong. other ppl hav jst as much capability as u do in providing the correct answer - so stop bein so freakin stubborn, and jst embrace it. the less stubborn u act, the more open ur to learin new thgs. think of all u cld exposed to if u stopped believing in options other than than ur own.
  • procrastination - dun be too proud dat u add in 'pro' to the word. stop thinkin u will finally get to watever tasks is at hand trow. liove in the present, and get ur shyte done when it needs to be done. maximize ur time to the best of ur ability. complete each task u need to as soon as u can. u also allow urself more free time to enjoy the thgs u love.
  • ur baggage - we've all been hurt one time or another by someone we loved, or we tot we loved. carryin -ve feelings into future r/ships will only prove to be disastrous. no two ppl r the same, so its unfair to hold a future partner to a standard set by ur bloody ex. start ur new r/ship wit a clean slate.
  • negativity - wat u put out into the universe will come back to u; so change the way u think immediately. stop thinkin of life as a glass half empty, but rather - hald full. u hav so much to be grateful for, if u only u took a moment to appreciate it. anythg is possible in the mind of a positive thinker.
  • judgmental tots - y do ppl feel the need to constantly worry about wat is goin on in other ppl's lives? if we spent as much time worryin about our own behaviors as we do worryin about those of others; our lives wld be a whole lot more meaningful. u hav no idea wat is goin on in another person's life, so who u fcuk ur to pass judgment on the way they act?
  • jealousy - happiness is not havin wat u want; its wantin wat u hav. stop envyin others and learn to appreciate wat u hav. everyone's life is unique - u hav certain to offer dat others cant. when we act in a jealous manner, all we do is bring -ve feelings into our lives. theres absolutely nthg to gain from behavin dis way.
  • insecurity - happy ppl tend to hav extremely high levels of self-esteem. they accept who they r and work it everyday of their lives. they radiate confidence, flaunt their pride and giv off positive vibes. theres no reason to be insecure in life. if there r thgs ur self-conscious about, go out into the world and seek to change em. only u hav the ability to create the best version of urself.
  • depending on others for happiness - at the end of the day, the only person u can count on 100% of the time - is urself. a r/ship is not goin to fulfill the void if u cant even make urself happy. u need to achieve happiness on ur own before u can find someone else to share it wit. dis creates a detrimental dependency dat will prevent u from becomin self-sufficient.
  • the past! - stop living in the past. it is virtually nthg u can gain if u wallow in mistakes u've previously made. tke em as lessons learned, and move forward. u cant move on if u keep constantly look behind. thgs happened, and dats dat. take em wit a grain of salt. and move on.
  • the need for control - sometimes we jst need to let life happen the way it is meant to. u cant spend ur life stressin about thgs dat r outside of ur control. try to relax, and let thgs play out naturally. embrace the unknwn, as dis is where u'll be surprised the most.
  • xpctations - managing it, is the key to happiness. let go of xpctations, u'll never be disappointed. often - we tend to believe dat the way we treat others will be the way we r treated in return. unfortunately, dis doesnt always happe. so do not xpct a certain result from any given situation - go into an xperience wit an open mind. and u'll be surprise.

too long. dats the word. gotta leave u now. hav coupla thgs to settle, before i off leavin the building and head for the gym. 


"he's not perfect. ur not either. and the two of u will never be perfect. 
but if he can make u laugh at least once, causes u to think twice - and if he admits to be human 
and making mistakes; 
hold onto him and giv him the most u can. he isnt goin to quote poetry, 
he's not thinkin about u every moment, but he will giv u a part of him dat he knws u cld break. 
so dun hurt him. dun change him. and dun expect for more than he can giv. dun analyze. 
smile when he makes u happy, yell when he makes u mad. and miss him when he's not there. 
love hard when there is love to be had. 
becoz perfect guys dun exist. 
but theres always one guy dat is perfect for u.." 

- Bob Marley.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

draw me!

woke up from my nap, browsing the Insta, i found dis, uploaded by a student of mine. it had me smiling - really like ear to ear. i remember he told me he wanted to dis - and he was sort of askin for permission. i was like - tak pa lah. saya tak kisah kinda thang. and i had dis. everythg looked so perfectly good, except for the perut. hahaha.. i mean - or is it for real, dat aku je yg tak perasan? haha..

watever it is, i love dis. he said dat he'll giv me the hardcopy by Monday. yeay! i am goin to send it to kedai, and frame it well. maybe aku bley gantung kat rumah. or bwk ke UKM nanti? haha

Ahmad Waqiyuddin Ismat.

and dis is the guy yg lukis dat karikatur of me. Sem 3, aku noticed him well in the class. kinda good, shy guy. duduk depan, pay attention in the class. aku remember seeing his Insta wit a lot of drawing he did thru his classes. darn i hope he din do dat during my class lah! hahaha.. and which he denied of doin la. alhamdulillah. 

aku met him like everyday in the gym. he is kinda guy yg btol2 komit in his routine, hardly fool around pun. and aku remember dia mintak izin nak dtg gym like tiap hari (since gym ada jadual tertentu) and i was like - dtg je lah.. since tak ramai org pun. and he was sort of happy wit dat.

and aku remember dis guy - during one of my Psychology class waktu Sem 1, he walked up the stage tmpt aku bg lecture - and sort of 'sir, can i hav ur sign?' - there's a pic of me standing, wit a caption 'bulshyte!'. first aku mcm bengkek jgk dat how dare dis boy did such thang during my class and came up ere mintak sign?, tp tgk the drawing, i was like.. wow. dis guy is really somethg. aku put down my signature, and aku politely asked his permission to keep the drawing - and he din mind. 

aku still had the drawin wit me. darn how time flies.

and, owh. dis is the drawing. hahaha.. and dat caption. gosh. aku hope aku din be a real crappy role model to em all, God sake. hahaha

Friday, July 19, 2013

alone. and lonely.


i came across dis post in my tumblr dashboard jst now - and i cldnt help but to feel kinda sad after reading it. i mean - look at the amount of notes. over 100k ppl (and counting) feel dis way. and i'd like to bet dat some of these ppl were in the same 'room'. not literally, but u get wat i mean. like u can be the person laughing or u cld be the person lookin around - but it goes both ways bcoz of u cld feel the same. 

i've felt dis way before. but wat makes the differences between then and now is dat i changed the situation. i try to bet more involved. i try to belong somewhere; and wit all dat tryin - i do get there. heres the thg - if ur not happy wit how ur life is, then u shld change it. u cannot simply wait for someone to come up to u and say dat u belong somewhere. u cannot wait for life bcoz life is wat u make it, and if u spend ur days not wanting to participate - then life is jst goin to go on w/o u whether u like it, or not.

i cld sense dat - dat post - it doesnt mean jst a literal room. it has more meaning to it. its life in itself. when u feel lonely and u look around and see dat other ppl r havin better than ur - u jst kinda want to stop the world and get off bcoz u dun wanna feel lonely. but u dun hav to. i've felt so alone before bcoz for many reason and dat i've nthg to offer to the world - i tot i was boring. i tot, i tot, i tot. and i tot wrong. its jst - as long as u try, u will get there. 

dun xpct not to get hurt either. ppl who prefer to be alone or r lonely - they r jst afraid of gettin hurt, or hav been hurt one too many times and they jst dun wanna ever feel dat way again. its life. life's like dat. u will hurt someone no matter how much u play by the book - and u will get hurt. even by the person u trust the most. sigh. dis will happen to u. its jst a matter of time. and u will hav to embrace it. learn from it, and take somethg from it. everythg happens for a reason.

but dun get me wrong. bein alone and feelin lonely r two different thgs. its jst how u see it and interpret it. how u feel about it. u can do so many thgs while ur alone, but there r so many ppl who r afraid of dis. they r afraid by being alone they must simply label emselves a loner and wallow in self-pity. there is nthg bad about bein alone.. its the feelin lonely part dat can eat u up.

wat i mean to say is dis - if u feel like u dun belong, and u want to belong somewhere - jst get out there and do it. it sounds difficult - unless u jst try. if u r so sad about bein alone, dun setle for dat. improve ur life if ur so unhappy wit it. and dun jst go around sayin dat nbdy will ever think dat ur cool enuff or fun enuff. u will never knw unless u try. but if ur unhappy and ur unwilling to change and u somehow enjoy the fact dat u can tell ppl dat ur sad and lonely - then be my guest. bcoz from they way i see it - if u dun like sthg about urself, change it. when ur happy, and u think happy tots - u will affect the ppl around u.

makes sense?

consider dis!

salam. its 10th Ramadhan. and good morning.

erm, i was jst thinkin - here's a lil sthg for u to consider.


  • day by day its either u jst wanna get by or u wanna go about ur day to the fullest. its entirely ur choice. dun blame other if ur havin a bad day bcoz u can really brush it off and not care at all. u dun even hav to try. but if u dun care or try at all - then wat is the point in livin? wat u really hav to knw is how to balance the two - feelin dreaded by petty thgs or not caring/tryin. u gotta find the balance - and u'll do OK.

lemme lick dat..

  • ppl who dun wear perfume is fine by me. but how can they not wear deodorant? i knw - ur smiling, and thinkin - wtf? but cant they smell emselves? y havent the ppl around em intervened in dis? BO is repulsive! owh. and i will never understand who who (hav the opportunity to but) actually choose not to shower twice dly. shower once in the morn., then shower once in the evenin. when i asked these ppl y they do not shower in the morn., they said its bcoz they've showered the nite before. fuhh! dats like sayin there is no need to ever turn off ur car engine bcoz ur goin to use it again - or there is no need to flush the toilet bcoz well, its not like ur never goin to 'berak' again, eh? its not expensive. and its jst one swipe per armpit and ur good to go! give a deodorant a chance.

to clean,
or not to clean.

  • bein rude to janitors is stupid. trust me - u knw it well, as well - dat they r jst tryin to make a livin, jst like ur, each day. they come to work to serve u, and then at the end of the day they jst wanna get home to the families etc and relax, knwing theyve done their best to keep food on the table. u dun hav to ruin their day by treatin em like ur slaves. after all - ko saper? and sure, u will meet dungu janitors every now and then - but gez wat? dats y they r janitors at the first place! err.. i mean - dats the fact, right? u say ur better than em, so be la the better person then. talk to em nicely, greet em, say ur orders politely, ask em to help u softly etc etc. and if they bein rude to rude, chant dis in ur head - "they attitude is y they r janitors, and i am better than the egotistical side of me - so i will refrain from campak dis tong sampah to her face". i did dat all the time. and of course, tell their manager (dat i yet to do). dats really all u can do. and believe me - the ruder ur to janitors - the more likely they'll pedajal u. i am not sayin all of em do - but jst keep in mind dat they do!

now lets start working! u hav a great TGIF!!

Thursday, July 18, 2013

judge me. no.

ppl who write thgs like, "owh, ur 21 and u hate ur life? ur parents din let u watch Sesame Street?" r ppl deservin of a slap. its like, havent u ever been 21? havent u ever had a bad hair day? a 21yo can never hav a bad day bcoz they hav nthg to worry about? wat is wrong wit u? 

hav empathy. hav sympathy. and hav a heart.

hearin a senior scoldin a stdnt blatantly jst like dat (perhaps my wrong - i din knw wats the reason) and had her cryin - i dun think its a good idea. a person - no matter their age is - has feelings. it jst baffles me when a person can jst say thgs like dat. imagine ur 21 and the lecturer is like 50yo - says to u, "u havent seen the world yet. u hav no right to be upset!", when u tell her dat ur havin a bad day - thus u retaliate or sthg. who gives a shyte if ur older then the person ur speakin to? wat matters is dat dis person is freakin upset and dat is wat ur to rectify. 

and ur not supposed to tell em dat they r too young to knw sadness, or too young to knw loss, to knw love, to knw hatred. blergkhh!

the fact is - u will never knw a person's battles. they may seem like nthg cld tear em down - but gez wat? the loneliest ppl r the kindest. the saddest ppl smile the brightest. and the most damaged ppl r the wisest. all becoz they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do. when u see a person about to jump off a buldin, u dun say "hey! dun jum. there r ppl sufferin more than ur, right now", do u? no u dun. u get em off the ledge, definitely.

ppl suffer differently, jst as they grieve, love, anger or express their happiness differently. the key here is - empathy. empathy - is being able to stand in the other person's shoes, and feel it. understand it. nobdy wants a sympathy. but empathy, is.

bcoz w/o empathy - u mght as well live life by urself. in a cave. and never come out. society deserves better ppl than u.

shut up.

if u say no to me, i will never ask u for anythg else. heres the thang - if i wanted somethg, and i ask someone for it - and they say 'no', i forget about it. dat is, unless i really want it. then i'd go get it myself. i mean - honestly - i dun dwell. if i hav asked u sthg, it means i want it and i want it now. not later. not afterwards. now. and if u giv me a str8 no, then i will never (ever) bother u for another request - unless i really need ur help.

being an eldest - i've been like day since i was a chile. its easier dat way. for me - at least. and i change my mind really quickly. lets say u deny my request - and then decide dat want to approve it - God sake it wldnt change a thang of hav any effect to me becoz  i most probably no longer want wat i wanted in the first place. and rejecting it (or anythg at all) on me at the first place shows me somethg else, as well.

does dat make me a difficult person?

another thang - i am not a high-maintenance watever dat is. sure, i prefer sort of exclusive (not necessarily expensive) thgs and i love eating at restaurant - but its not like i dun want to ever eat at warungs or watnot. and u cant say such jst becoz i dun really prefer of goin to pasar ramadhan. i jst hav a preference. and i tend to adapt to the situation i am in - so its all good for me. i use my own money to get all those 'expensive' thgs (as u said dat is) myself.  urgh, darn i hate the word 'expensive'

i gez u shld never put a price on wat u want. its either u want it and u'll work ur bloody arse off to get it, or u sit ur arse down and do nthg about it. i am not needy, and i am not lookin for a freakin attention, or want ppl to bloody pamper me all the freakin time. 

heck, i do or pay for most of the pampering i get myself. so never call me a high-maintenance, brand-conscious kinda guy - when ur hard knw me pun. 

for i freakin hate it.

and does dat really make me a difficult person? sigh.


i gez its one of the those days. i feel like a Zombie. cant sleep last nite, woke up damn way too early, and i cant even close my eyes after Sahur. its like u closed ur eyes, but ur mind is everywhere - and ur pretty much aware of it, yet theres nthg much u can do. i feel kinda cranky, groggy.

and the worst part is - i am havin a pack schedule today. classes 8 - 10, 11 - 1pm, and tiber2 kena ganti Mr V's 2 - 5pm kelas as well. i hav no word for dat. 

and wit loads of thgs in mind.

u hav a great Thursday.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013


its like - i knw ur there
but ur not there.
at least, for me.

on fire.

'honestly' is an interesting word. some of u wld think dat i am an honest guy. and for the most part, i am. yeah rite. some of u hav even called me 'brave' and 'strong' for sharing some of my challenges and issues on few thgs - but the fact is, i dun knw if i am. 

wat i choose to share and when i choose to share it depends upon who is listening. i knw there r many out there read my rambling upon knwing myself well - and when they did, they cldnt be bother at all. and it is also depends on whether or not i can help someone at the time by sharing a story or msg. sometime i am workin thru some crap on my own and i cld really use the support of others. other times i feel strong and able to help kighten someone else's load.

but the truth is - i still guard details dat i cannot and mght not ever share wit u. details dat r either too shockin or details dat wld do more harm than good by sharing em. 

i am pretty sure we r all hav some sort of baggage.

its like the overhead compartment on an airplane. some of us hav lite lil bags wit u. others r viciously attempting to jam a bag dat clearly is too large to fit. yet, we all hav somethg. we all hav burdens to carry. and in real life - we feel pressured to hide our baggage. some of us feel ashamed to admit we r not perfect. society pressures us to be superheroes. only dats a bunch of crap and u knw it as well as i do.

dis life isnt a pissing match about who has or less baggage, or who has a more or less perfectly matched existence. instead of pretending our baggage doesnt exist, isnt it refreshing to acknowledge it? point it out even? i mean - acknowledge it, w/o pointing ur fingers out to others. and be honest wit ourselves at the very least.

especially when our baggage doesnt fit neatly in the overhead compartment, u knw wat i mean. and even if we r not able to admit it as obviously as others - it secretly feels better to see the others tryin to jam his/her giant suitcase in the overhead bin. becoz it makes our problems feel a lil bit more manageable.



and as usual, i am not sure of the above. its jst there in my head.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013


its 7th day of Ramadhan, alhamdulillah.

i woke up by 4am by a 'voice' calling me 'izam!' and i was shocked. suddenly the tot of abah came floodin me and it was so intense - i jst sit there by the edge of the bed - shivering, shed my tears away, silently. i jst dun knw y. i remember abah wld called me out by dat, each time gerak aku bgun sahur. i sat there for quite sometime till i found a strength to pull myself together, washed my face and off downstairs to the kitchen for sahur. i never been dat way - and i was still confused wit it. its like abah is around - i cld feel dat. the smell of abah's minyak atar. the presence. its all over the room.

its nearly a yr now, and abah still lingers on. around us. around me. i had not much memory wit him - being an eldest, i was pretty close to mak. and away from the famliy at tan early age. not until at the end of abah's life - we became closer, we start talking to one another. until he din recognize me anymore. until every words he said - telling me dat he loves me, prayin good thgs for me - i am not sure if he knows wat he said. i still regret for the thgs i din get the chance of telling him. for thgs i din get to do to him. i always wonder if i ever up to his expectation. if i ever make him proud. and such.

theres so many questions in me, left unanswered. 

i never miss doakan abah each time after solat - and i wish he hear me well. i wish i cld turn back the time - so i cld do thgs rite. so i cld tell him a thang or two, and i cld ask him if i ever worth a while for him.


and the rest of the day went so numb for me. wit coupla other thgs bothering me. aku kuar rumah awal, off straight to Kuala Kangsar. smpai Hospital Kuala Kangsar by 7.45am - which i knew i was darn way too early. balik, aku singgah Hospital Sg Siput - and get thgs done. i was kinda down, nthg amazed me for God sake.

but i knw - it is wrong to be around the stdnts wit dat kinda shitty face, alrite. thus, i gotta put all thgs beside - and put up another face of mine - so dat the stdnts will be comfortable to be around me. but the fact is - God knws how kacau it is inside.

by 1.30pm - aku head back to Ipoh. it was rainin in Sg Siput - aku drove slowly at the left lane - wit my mind all over the place. i hate to be dis way, but sometimes - u cant help it. 

throw my nothgness at the gym ptg tadik. mls nak ke kolej's, so aku went to the gym nearby. get sweat, get my tebu and balik rumah.


and i am still thinkin of wat happened to me pagi tadik. God sake.


Monday, July 15, 2013

typical Monday.

its Monday. watdya expect. the first day of the week, after the off days. literally - its the first day after like 2 days cuti - and i bet u knw dat alrite. and as usual - i am still in the cloud nine - baru je nak mood cuti/weekend, tetibe dah Monday.. argkh.

basically i had a good weekend. mmg tak de org tnya - tp tak pe la, aku kongsi kat sini je.. cik, kak yang, kak ngah and Soleh sumer were there, and i definitely had a good time. and i bet mak, too. mak masak mcm2, mmg berbaloi. tot of nak balik Ipoh early in the morn pg tadi (lepas sahur), tp aku risau tak sempat.. since baju sumer2 tak iron and siap lagik.. so semlm, lepas Maghrib - aku balik ke Ipoh wit a bloody heavy heart.

no class today. cuma aku ada appointments dgn students on research and discussion on case clerking. and pagi tadik - aku finally done dengan medical check up - kat KK Greentown. ramai org giler.. tp alhamdulilah, aku managed to get it all done. 29th - kena pi balik for the TCA.

think of heading home. tadak mood nak pi gym pun. dah 3 - 4 hari aku fikir benda ni - nak aku tnya, tp tak berani - cld aku aku je yg lebih2. aku tak nak kena cop being so over-react plak. tp dis is way different from before. ntah la - saper tak risau. of koz i do..

mls la nak ke param. tgk la apa yg ada kat gerai2 yg senang aku beli je la..

selamat berbuka puasa! and hav a good one.