i cant sleep last nite. crashed early since i wasnt feel dat good - i tot i cld hav a good rest thru out the nite; sound peaceful nite. but it wasnt. 9.30pm i was alrdy in bed - but by 12am, i was still lying there staring into the endless darkness - restless, tumbling upside down. i was still feverish - cough out badly. seein no point of lying there yet i cant sleep at all - i walked out of the master bedroom and head off to my study room - perhaps i cld jst used the small bed and i mght dozed off. but still - 1.30am, i cant sleep.
perhaps - its becoz i've been thinking of abah lately - intensely. its not dat i hardly think of him anymore - but dis coupla days - i jst cant help thinkin of abah, like most of the time. aku rindu abah - no doubt. somewhere around dis time - last year - aku still remember it clearly how we - the whole fmly struggling wit so many thgs for abah dah admitted Hospital Selayang - and the off to Sg Buloh. dis was the time the specialist came up wit the diagnosis and crushed our hearts off. dis was the time where i can see clearly how we were in in our own dilemma, fighting wit own feeling, denial and such. until we get get to the point knwing dat we were fighting for the same thg - and we ended up getting strong, supporting one another.
and aku remember still - hows dat feel when all out of sudden - aku feel so restless, not knwing wat to do; since abah was so hopeless and the whole family had no where to turn to - except me, as the eldest. all dis while i was clinging to mak abah - i cldnt careless about the decision on dis and dat - but now, when ever there was a decision was needed - mak and adik2 wld turned their heads to me - hoping for some convincing answers. i was hopeless, helpless. i was shocked. i din knw who else to cling on; when everybdy were sort of clingin upon me - now dat i need to come up wit lots of new thg i never ever went thru all my life. i had to struggle to get thru it, i gotta struggle to face the fact dat abah will leave us sooner or later - and i had to struggle to find the very best for abah - for he, and all of us were running out of time, and we refused to jst succumb to the illness - tho the specialists consensusly said dat abah jst had like 3 months, to live life.
and imagine dat abah was so healthy back then - and suddenly had a fit, and wit in coupla days - the doc came up wit Astrocytoma, 4th Stage - which means there were so such of physical treatment wld be able to cure him. we were fall apart, shocked. i kept wishing for somethg better - till i learn myself dat there was nthg dat i can do - except spending the time left up to the max wit abah, and gav him the best care dat we cld. and redha ketentuan Nya.
and dis was the time - in 2012 - where aku decided to amek cuti pjg for the whole 2 weeks to jaga abah in Hospital Selayang and Hospital Sg Buloh, since adik2 aku cldnt do dat. and aku remember how mak weep on silently like every nite after her solat hajat beside abah - praying and hoping dat abah wld be ok. and each time - aku cried silently - for God knws how i feel.
by 2nd week of June 2012, the specialist advised us to bring abah to HKL for radiotherapy, and aku decided to bring abah home - since emak wanted so. abah and mak no longer stayed in Kubu Gajah - but ended up staying dengan kak ngah - for kak ngah tak keje and it wld be easy to sama2 jaga abah. lagipun mak risau stay berdua in Kubu Gajah - for abah no longer knew himself, completely havin fluctuation of mood, cldnt sleep at nite, and his ADL solely depends on mak. mak pun tak larat -since tak cukup tido and such. and then there was the time yg aku kept berulang alik Ipoh - Bagan Serai like every 2 days to see mak abah, to help watever i can. abah hardly knew me any longer, even he did - it'd take a longer time. and each time aku nak balik Ipoh - he'd hugged me, caressed my face, looked into my eyes - and nasihat aku about dis and dat. i wasnt sure if he knew wat he was saying, and i kept hoping dat he really knew dat it was me dat was talking to.. and i'd cry all the way back to Ipoh. like all the time.
by early July 2012, we decided to bring abah to HUSM - since cik found his way to get abah in the fast-q for radiotherapy. abah no longer himself. he was CRIB, and sometime the nurses tied him to the bed for he kept pulling off the NG tube off his nostril. mak left alone in KB to looked after abah, and i kept amek cuti every now and then, traveled Ipoh -KB to tgk mak abah. and so forth adik2 aku.
aku thanked God as well, aku dianugerahkan Allah Taala adik2 yg bertanggungjwb, tau tugas dan peranan masing2 sebagai anak to mak abah. they helped me a lot - out of the misery. and aku bersyukur dek didikan mak abah - we r like dis. tho we went thru a tough time - we still able to laugh and joke around - in pain.
by completing 2nd cycle of radiotherapy - end of July; mak called me crying since abah dah hardly breathing, and looked so tenat. aku cancelled my trip to KL and pecut to KB wit kak ngah's fmly, reached there by 11.30pm. Soleh was there, mak as well. 30 minutes by his side - at 12am somethg, abah left us - peacefully. its was 7th day of Ramadhan, 30th July 2012. i was there standing by his side, whispering kalimah syahadah into his ears - right until abah's last breath, and whole of him turned cold. kak ngah, soleh, me and mak were there by his side. cik and kak yang was still on the road then.
i remember the feeling of being tremendously numb. of the unknwn. the future on the unknowing. the lost. the empty hole in u. the letting go off the pain - in him, in us. and a lot more. i still remember how.
2 bln setgh from now - it'll setahun abah tinggalkan aku, and the whole fmly. i hardly believe it still - darn it feels like yesterday. mak still crying every now and then - for it is so weird for her staying all alone - while all these 38 yrs, abah was around her side. she never told us so, but i caught her coupla times crying to herself. tho it wldnt be right if i say dat i know how it feels for mak facing all dis - but at least i am goin thru it as well now.
tho abah and me we were never dat close - aku do love him all my heart. and i knw he loves me as well - tho he never show me so. i jst knw. i mean - i dun knw. but i knw he loves me as much as i do to him.
i had a lot in me to talk to him, to share wit him - and i realized how a son need his fatherly figure so bad - so dat he'll get thru life way better. i shldve knw dis way back then. there r so many regrets in me - and i gotta deal wit all em even now. i knw i've been a good son - but i never how good i am to him. and how i wish he cld tell me a thang or two. if i ever upto his expectation and such. i never blame him for anythg at all - it was me, as the son.
it was me.
but then again - i was blessed - for who i am, wat i am; basically its becoz mak dan abah. didikan abah and mak and such. i knw i wldnt be able to be wat i am now, where i at now - if it was not becoz of them both.
i am not sure when i'll be able to curb dis numbness in me. i knw abah is at a better place now - but at the same time, i cant help myself hoping he'd be ere by my side now. i knw dat sounds pretty much selfish - but then again..
i really he knws how it feels for me - missing him so much dat i dun hav words to tell so. al-fatihah.
along sayang abah.