Thursday, May 30, 2013


look to dis day
for it is life
the very life of life
in its brief course lie all
the realities and verities of existence
the bliss of growth
the splendor of action
the glory of power -

for ystrday is but a dream
and trow is only a vision
but today, well lived,
makes every ystrday a dream of happiness
and every trow a vision of hope

look well, therefore, to dis day.


i am sorry..


finally i am done wit all the thgs ere in UKM. and HUKM as well. it took days to go along wit all these shitty birokrasi thang.

but i am glad dat i am done wit semua urusan neh, and shld jst wait till Sept to come.

its bn a restless, sleepless nites in ere. i am sad, and i am down. but then again, thgs r said and done. its my mistakes, and i gotta deal wit it well.

off now. a bus to catch.

Friday, May 24, 2013


reached here by 10am sthg. aku sgt ngantok, since smlm tdo lewat, and by 3.30am aku dah bgun. 4am sthg, aku dah on the road.

its Jumaat, and aku was looking for a kopiah. aku rmbr i do not bring any, so aku was trying my luck - selongkar bckpck yg aku bwk ni, and to my surprised aku terjumpak kopiah abh terselit tp poket beg aku, nicely.

it was still like it was, time mak bg aku dulu. by the time abh meninggal - dis kopiah ni je yg aku amek, and it was still mcm tu. and aku nearly forget dat aku put it there, almost a year now.

it still smells abah. perhaps bcoz it was there all the time. aku tak pernah took it out, let alone get it washed.

so, i put it on for the first time, after like a year now. aku rasa sebu, rindu. aku rasa bangga for at least finally aku pakai kopiah abah, and aku tau he knows it alrite.

its nearly a year now. tp ksh syg aku, rindu aku pd abah remains the same. it jst dat i wish i cldve told him so, way bck then.

Thursday, May 23, 2013


aku still rasa stiff over both of the legs - after the gym session last Tues. blame it on less warming up and long break before dat. 

and i knw its such a good excuse to amek 'cuti' for coupla days due to the pain i am havin, rite now. and i gez dats wat i am gonna do today.

not until Kamal - my fellow stdnt yg regular pi gym and the body is like.. hurmm.. er, nvm - tiber2 ajak aku pi gym ptg ni. mamat neh rajin jgk work-out dgn aku. and he was there in the hall during defending proposal - tnya like 'sir, ptg ni gym jom..'. and dr aku tak nak (dats wat i am telling myself dr pagi lagik) aku terus semangat. ye lah - semlm itself aku dah ponteng since aku was on the road travelling pi Pangkor, and today - aku cldnt find a strong one kot - to not goin to the gym.

Asar done. 5pm terpacak aku will leave the ofc., and pi gym.

after all - ujg minggu neh sah2 la aku tak pi gym - since cuti 3 days in a row.


and dun xpct me
to be perfect, jst as perfect as ur.

salam -

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.” - William Shakespeare.

i read it somewhere, dis morning. i gez we all hav expectation in our lives - wat we want out of life, and who we want to become and such. and i truly believe in such - dat one of the keys to happiness lies w/in the management of ur expectations of ppls, and circumstances. its like - if u do not hav xpctations - u can never be disappointed.

often - we tend to believe dat the way we treat others will be the way we r treated in return. but unfortunately, dis does not always happen. i went thru it recently - and i knw how it is. the xpctation. dats the root.

u need to make sure u enter into r/ships wit someone who has as big of a heart as u do. if u do not - u may feel as if ur bein taken advantage of or r bein shortchanged. u need to find ppl who appreciate wat u do for em, and who will reciprocate these actions.

and one of the biggest challenges we face in life is learnin to accept ppl for who they truly r. dis is somethg dat most of us hardly agree on. we xpct ppl to behave, to think jst the way we exactly r - tellin thgs like how educated they r - yet not behaving or thinkin the way they shld; and we forget dat we r putting our own values to it. 

once we realize dat our xpctations cannot change ppl, the better off we will be. the problem will aise when the xpctations do not materialize - if u find dat ur goin out of ur way much more than the ppl u surround urself wit - perhaps its about time to find a new group of frens. maybe. trust me - havin realistic xpctation will allow u to accept the flaws each person has. and all those unrealistic xpctations will, can, and most often do lead to disappointment.

the bad thang about havin high xpctations in certain circumstances is dat we prevent ourselves from enjoyin the experience altogether. and if u feel dis in ur life - darn u need to readjust ur xpctations - before it goes too late. u mght get hurt. u fren mght left numb wit ur reaction, words and such. when u hav unrealistic notions for ppl - u place urself at a risk of gettin disappointed and hurt. maybe someone did let u down in certain aspects - but isnt it inherently unfair to hav these ppl on such a pedestal? by maintaining an accurate of ur own realities - u become able to determine wat is truly xpcted from others.

we gotta remember dat - do not xpct thgs out of situation - jst go into em wit an open mind.

disappointment can lead to several outcomes - incldg tryin to get dis person to change and an increased anger toward the person who is causing the disappointment. and dis becomes problematic since the fault lies wit u for putting such pressure on dis person.

but then again, theres a paradoxical issue when it comes to dis - if u hav high xpctations, u can often end up disappointed. but if u dun hav these xpctations - u may not try as hard as u cld in order to accomplish the goal. and  later be a perfectionist, and dat aint healthy.

when thgs do not work out the way we planned - it is much more benefial to realize dat is how life works, rather than becoming frustrated wit the situation.

i believe it is easy to hav hope, rather than xpctations - and u will tend not to be disappointed.

life's like dat - its short. and it shld be sweet. less xpctation, less hatred. 

and love one another.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Pangkor, again.

a new day, the same me. off to Pangkor today, clinical teaching/visit of praklinikal stdnts there.

in Lumut now. havin my br8fast. not really hungry but i am tryin to hav a proper breakfast every morn., and its 2wks no - and i aint skippin one.

groggy still. mengantok. tdo at 10pm, 3.30am dah bgun. and dah tak bley tdo. as usual.

will write nanti2 la. gotta catch my ferry.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

the listicles - shyte on me.

owh, btw - 3 person asking me the same question today. 'nape u tak suka carrot?', 'mcm budak2 skang, tak suka vegy', and 'eh, carrot is good for eyes'. er, same script like my mum. hahaha

wait. bukan aku tak suka vegy. aku mkn je sayur. good for health, kot. i love sayur2 hijau. leafy. sedap! the fact is - aku tak memilih sgt pun. except for peria - yg no matter how u ckp it is tak pahit and such, it is still pahit for me. at least  my head said so. and aku hate to hav such pahit taste stuck on my tongue. euw.

and carrot. OMG. mcm org Kelantan ckp - cannot go!

and i was thinking - y not hav a walk down to the Shyte Listicle on thgs i hate, eh? maybe dah kurang - tak mcm dulu, since aku dah no more budak2. or perhaps, makin byk? who knws? hahaha

The Shyte Listicle - Shyte I Hate.

  1. of coz - carrot. not dat i hate it - aku jst dun like it. does it make a different? er, huge differences, i think. carrot is weird. and its scary. carrot kaler orange. and wat kinda sayur wit such kaler, eh? and - it is a fruit? or is it a sayur? God, the color is so doesnt make sense - and aku tak suka. plus the taste. i knw, i knw. its good for the eyes, carotene bla bla bla blahh.. but carrot is orangey in color. and i cant take dat. but i love carrot cake. how? 
  2. i dun do dishes. u can ask me do anythg at all kat dapur - but not the dishes. franky i hav no explanation for dat. i jst dun do dishes, the after math.
  3. the-know-it-all person - uh, pls. even i love smart ppl, those wit brain and such - u dun hav to go around and being too big for the boot. i'll respect u for ur freakin brain, if u hav one - way better if u dun go tellin me so. for i knw how it is, and for i knw wat it is - the who ur, wat ur et al, as well. nah, i am not sayin dat i am smart - but i believe u dun hav to tell, even if ur one. u knw wat i mean.
  4. Nescafe 3-in-1 premix coffee - and y on earth they came up wit dis, eh? i knw its easy, but it really doesnt make sense. at least - for me. aku lagik prefer the way mak bancuh Nescafe - Nescafe, susu pekat manis, air panas - the right amount, the equal same taste all the time.
  5. decision - and u expect me to come up wit one? no thanks. i hate kinda ppl yg 'aku tak kesah, aku ikut je' upon question asked. excuse me, mak kesah! coz i aint ur mother to do so. i mean - u dun go expect me to decide on somethg, while me myself - pun susah nak decide on anythg at all. i need someone yg aku bley rely on. yg at least - aku cld rest assure dat u can deal wit the decisions, and let me deal wit somethg else. bukan la aku tak reti langsung buat decision - tp those yg petty2 thgs like nak makan mana, nak mkn apa, nak buat apa, nak pi mana.. eurgkh. 

eh, cukup la. aku dah start rasa the negative energy around. theres a few more - but dah la. kang sampai ke mlm aku dok fikir all theses shyte-ty thang, and dat wldnt be good for me.

nak pi solat Zohor. 2.30pm aku appointment wit stdnts. chiao!

stdnts. and me.

tarian tiang.

i am not a person who can sit down and spend hrs - listening and doin nthg. i tend to be restless. and hopeless as well. aku jenis 'berbuat' nyer person. i love lecture-demo. aku love skill-lab. and aku suka bed-side teaching. 

aku remember when i was a student years back - time kelas mmg seksa bg aku. especially lecturer yg ngomel for hrs, berleter tak tentu hala and yg SS (syok sendiri). aku sgt2 elergik. aku aku bukan jenis yg senang tido dlm kelas - unless aku btol2 penat, and ngantok. and knwg myself is like dat - most of the lecture hrs - most of the time is a disastrous for me. 

let alone lecturer yg suara mcm dlm kelambu - as if he/she is talking to him/herself. argkh!

and dats y time student dulu - aku suka duduk belakang. or wit gals yg 'suka bwk bekal and treat the classroom as mcm tempat berkelah', u knw wat i mean. free food, hell yeah. aku wld sit in the middle - where all the bekas mkn akan travel kiri dan kanan - and the bekas mkn has to go thru me to reach the destination. or else, aku bwk jajan or gula2, mkn. aku ingat ada sekali tu aku kantoi dgn lecturer pempuan neh - aku mkn gula2 Sour Plum (by Torrone), and aku gumpal2 cover gula2 tu - aku tuju kepala student2 yg nerdy neh, yg duduk bawah aku. especially the gals. ok - judge me not. i was naughty, alrite.

nak? nak??
pinjam nota dulu. haha

and the worst part was - they knw there was nbdy else, but me - yg wld do such silly thang.

i mean - kalo tak buat mcm tu - aku mght ended up sleeping. and i dun want dat. but then again - aku tak nak buat em all benci aku; since all these nerdy yg aku akan cari at the end of the day - pinjam nota and such, so dat aku can sit and study. and aku i never fail. ayat sket je, dah dpt the whole notes. hahaha.. aku will get the notes, balik, went thru em all - do some extended reading and revision - tak fhm aku will go hunt the respective lecturers - and most of the time, the same remarks from the lecturers - 'awak dlm kelas tak pernah tumpu perhatian.. ni le jadinye', 'awk dtg tak leas sy?', 'lain kali main time kelas!' and aku will go sengih sheepishly tak menentu. but they never failed me - for at least aku went and see em for more. and they like me for dat.

owh. w'pun aku tak bley duduk dlm kelas dgn berhemah and listen to lectures - aku managed to score and jadik best student, alhamdulillah.

so - bila Ajak called aku semlm, bgtau aku yg dia tak dpt jadi panel for defend proposal pagik tadi - dammit aku was so restless. aku hate myself for Ajak neh - asyik2 terlepas. time kena duduk, dgr budak2 neh bentang kertas kajian masing2 - time tu la dia ada je hal lain. geram siot. at least kalo ada Ajak - ada la member. to sit the and listen to the students. i mean - to listen or not, dat'd be somethg else. 

yg penting aku tak sorang2.

but thgs happened. so - mmg tak leh ngelak. so wat i did was - for 22 students (plus 10 org bawah seliaan aku); aku get done wit the rest 12 - and the rest 10 yg bwh seliaan aku - aku skipped. started by 8.30am, by 12.30pm dah siap. pheww..

so aku ati senang (since byk lagik keje lain kena buat), and obviously students pun nampak seronok. of koz lah - aku tau sgt2, student mana yg nak duduk melangut, listening to the frens presenting - while it was tak dak kena mengena dgn dorg? heh. aku pun tak nak! haha

darn i was a student before, and i knw how it is!

owh, btw - aku believe in wat stdnts learn.
how and how much - dats subjective.
and its individualized.

so y force and make em to learn,
while they r not ready for a thang?



salam -

as for today - let urself think empowering tots. and lets urself do some amazing thgs.

let urself enjoy the beauty. let urself free to wonder. and to learn more about thgs around u. u can absolutely fill dis very day, dis moment, dis situation wit positive, meaningful value. so jst go ahead, and let urself do it.

bear dis in mind - the only limitations limit u mostly bcoz u expect em to. so raise ur expectations, and let urself move ahead more quickly and confidently than ever more.

let urself dream, and let urself enjoy doin the challenging work to reach those dreams. let urself see wat is truly possible, and let urself bring the best of it into being.

trust me - theres amazing greatness w/in u. so let urself live it, now.

good luck!

Monday, May 20, 2013

Dom. Dom wth?

i mean - ehem.
Dom wat? Doom? hahaha

to tell u the truth, i am used to dis. stdnts called u names - dis and dat. dulu time aku ada rambut - they said i looked like dis man-shyte-i-forgot name yg sah2 mcm jambu. aku felt so annoyed God sake, tho the gals kept tellin me 'ok wat, sir! dia sgt comel!!'. bluergkhhhh!!! aku jst smiled away.

gosh, aku admire dis guy yeap yeap.
he looks great hell yeah!
(not his songs, anyway!)

and bila aku botak - like wat i am now - they call me Mr Bull of PitBull. i told em, dat i am not a bull.. so they called me Mr Pit, which is like.. pit? arm pit ke? but then again - dat wldnt bring me anyway. i kept told em, like each time 'ayat!'. tho how hard they convinced me. stdnt will always be a stdnt. u knw wat i mean.

tp ptg tadik - during Taklimat Penempatan/Urusan Perlantikan budak2 aku wit Mr Bong - i received dis WhatsApp from a gal - she sat all the way up there, i gez i knew shes lookin at me alrite. tp aku mls amek port - for they r my stdnts. rather than they tdo during the taklimat, better of they look at somethg. i was there - standing, while Mr Bong dealt wit the whole thang. upon a vibration the phone gav me - aku terus bukak and tgk. my reaction was simple - aku baca msg, aku terus held up my head high and looked up, lookin out for the sender. 

she was there, smiling. 

aku replied her in a simple way. and i was like - Dom? Dom whom? apa2 lah.

only then i remember.
dis is Dominic Toretto in Fast and Furious..
aka Vin Diesel.


surely hell aku aku tak amek port sgt, and surely hell aku pelik. sgt2. wats the motive? aku serabut serabai wit janggut misai mcm mintak sedekah. rambut pun dah mula tumbuh - which is like, kalo aku pi barber now pun, sah2 la dia tnya 'ane, mana pi.. lama tadak nampak' walhal aku baru je tak dtg 2 minggu.


and dis is me.

Sunday, May 19, 2013


Funny Confession Ecard: You make me wish I had more middle fingers.

good night!

me - Haziq - Hazwan of 'f' phonics.

i am a lecturer nerd. i mean - i think i am. tho maybe i dun look like one. there is virtually no free time dat isnt used to drill my stdnts. including my minimonsters. they come in a package. i gez - i am jst like dat. typical dat is. 

and to get better wit the drilling thang - i need to read a lot. like, a real lot. reading is a big deal for me since i kinda not liking it ever since the first day of my life. dat bad, eh? 

i remember one day when i was there in a conversation wit Haziq and Hazwan (acik). Hazwan was helping Haziq wit a phonics app.

Haziq - wat sound does the letter "t" make?

Hazwan - "t" for "turtle" lah.

Haziq - wat sound does the letter "f" make?

Hazwan - err.. {long pause}

Aku - it makes the fff sound la. can u think of any "f"words?

Hazwan - pak long, ur bad at teaching letters. acik repot opah!

Aku - hah?

i actually normal.. (no, i really am)

o shut the fcuk up.

some days, i am not entirely sure whether i am normal or not. ok. i knw the definition of normal - dun u try to tell me such. its subjective. but then again - erm, u knw wat i am saying. i do love Twitter. i posted most of the pics around me in Instagram. i love FB as well. er, i knw. i hav none now. 

but there r days when i find myself tryin to convince myself dat i am normal. jst like others. so i decided to make a list of thgs about me dat prove i am probably, mostly normal.

  1. i prefer to drive my black Mini Me around - rather than the rest. and i cldnt care-less about wat ppl may say.
  2. i hav a garden dat i actually planted - regardless how it may look.
  3. towel is my second official 'uniform' when i am home. after the boxer.
  4. i channel surfing a lot - when i am on the idiotbox.
  5. i used to color my hair a bit -wit a boxed stuff, last time. i mean - those days when i hav hairs lah.  erm, not really colored em off. but bleached. 
  6. i care about being a good man. a good role model.
  7. i hav stdnts (and frens) who tell me lies.
  8. i love the library.
  9. i like antiques.
  10. DIY? no. i am an epic fail.

i am still not sure i am convinced. but i feel a lil bit normal now. well. a tiny lil bit, anyway.

epic shyte. smart ppl.


i heart smart ppl. ppl wit brain. ppl who knws wat they want in life, and ppl who can jst say wat ever they feel like sayin - and think of the consequences, after dat. ppl who can always run around wit excuses, and never fails to find one. i heart ppl who can decide as well - in split secs. coz i cant. and i am not. 

its nthg personal. once u slack u can never go back. its like - do epic shyte, or die. yeap. and its like - if u found me accidently, i am sorry. if u found me on purpose - fcuk it, i heart u ALSO.


boobies. err..

i admit it - i sort of playin Devil's Advocate. i hardly write about current events becoz everyone else u. u wont find me blabbering about current issues in ere, God sake. rite? but yesterday - i was kinda shocked during the marking session - i broke the silence on Angie Jolie's decision to opt for preventive surgery becoz she's carrying the BRCA gene; the gene dat has been shown in studies to cause a predisposition to cancer. surprisingly - nobdys knw. dorang neh tak baca paper ke? or baca Utusan Malaysia je? or Mangga? blerkgh. and the rest of like 20 mins was left on me - explaining the whole situation about her to the rest of the gang - Fina, Mr Azhar, Ajak, KF, Kak Ina and Ramesh.

the fact is - theres a topic dat i havent seen many ppl discussin wit regard to dis whole debate. cancer, genetic predisposition, science, health history, genetics. check. check. check. and check.

but not mental health.

i like Angelina. saper tak? dat lips. u knw, DAT lips. i think she is beautiful and appears - from wat i've seen in the media and so forth - she's a good mother. and she seems to be a decent partner to Brad. i happen to think dat Brad is hot, yet a complete and total douche canoe at the same time - but then again, dats irrelevant at dis time. 

anyway - Angelina lopped off her jubblies. for personal reason. it seems to hav been a relatively significant concern - since her own mother died of cancer. hurmmm..

i am not qualified to say whether or not Angelina suffers from anxiety  but if she does - i wldnt be surprised. she lost her mother to a very ugly and scary disease. she and her mother were extremely close - especially after the father and mother split up. and i do remember readin somewhere dat she disclosed havin performed self-mutilating and other harmful behaviors. 

the average person has a normal fear of abandonment and loss. dats the fact. these r natural human feelings. but for those of us who hav actually suffered loss of a close loved one to trauma and diseases; our anxiety is often magnified to unbearable levels. it changes us. affects our moods. our existence. our decisions. 

i suffer from anxiety myself. not much, i knw. i can control it well, alhamdulillah. i cannot tell u how incredibly stressful circumstances r when they r out of my control i will do almost anythg w/in my scope of abilities to prevent dat stress from consuming me and sending me spiraling out of control.

so i gez i can absolutely understand y someone wit the resources, money, and family history mght make a seemingly drastic choice like Angelina Jolie did. cancer or elective double mastectomy? her choice minimized the risk of dying and leaving her children w/o a mother. 

at least - in her own mind.

and me? used to read about Astrocytoma dat abah had and i stopped doin so. for i hate to deal wit shyte it may send me. and the anxiety it leaves me. sigh.

and lets be honest.
shes in the biz of whoring herself out for attention.
i mean - jst saying.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

i jst..


"i am so glad so love me. and u still do. its been years now - i am glad we r still ere - standing tall. it's easy to love someone at the beginning of a relationship (i knw) becoz both ppl r always looking at their best, sayin their best. and doin their best. we've been together for years - and yet u still love me. as much as i do love u.

u were always there and u've been supportive when i felt good about everythg in my life and even more so when my self-esteem was low. u were there for - telling me all sort of jokes; jst to let me laugh out loud, or at least to smile the shyte away - when thgs din go well. u've shared in the celebration of my achievements and helped me deal wit so many thgs in life - anger, disappointment, frustration - when everythg seemed to be falling apart. u've been at my side when i felt bloody proud and strong, and u've held me close and listened when i really needed a good cry. we've been thru so much since we first fell in love. still, u love me.

i love u for so many reasons. i love u for the thgs u say dat bring me special meaning into my life. u never tell me good thgs - for i dun care, for i've heard em all a lot. u tell me the truth, tho it hurts - but i am ok wit it. i love u for the silent times when ur eyes and arms tell me all i want to knw. u showed me dat i never hav to be a lone - for as long as u r around.

i love thinking of all the adventures we still hav o experience - the places we hav yet to see, and the thgs we hav yet to discover.

i mght heard dis a lot - but i jst love u so.."



why do we miss a person?

its either becoz we realize dat we never
treasured the moments when they were always
there and it left us
wishing we could turn back the time, again.
or perhaps, we were too happy
wit em - we enjoyed
every single moment
dat we became so used to the
idea of having em


Monday, May 13, 2013


i cant sleep last nite. crashed early since i wasnt feel dat good - i tot i cld hav a good rest thru out the nite; sound peaceful nite. but it wasnt. 9.30pm i was alrdy in bed - but by 12am, i was still lying there staring into the endless darkness - restless, tumbling upside down. i was still feverish - cough out badly. seein no point of lying there yet i cant sleep at all - i walked out of the master bedroom and head off to my study room - perhaps i cld jst used the small bed and i mght dozed off. but still - 1.30am, i cant sleep.

perhaps - its becoz i've been thinking of abah lately - intensely. its not dat i hardly think of him anymore - but dis coupla days - i jst cant help thinkin of abah, like most of the time. aku rindu abah - no doubt. somewhere around dis time - last year - aku still remember it clearly how we - the whole fmly struggling wit so many thgs for abah dah admitted Hospital Selayang - and the off to Sg Buloh. dis was the time the specialist came up wit the diagnosis and crushed our hearts off. dis was the time where i can see clearly how we were in in our own dilemma, fighting wit own feeling, denial and such. until we get get to the point knwing dat we were fighting for the same thg - and we ended up getting strong, supporting one another. 

and aku remember still - hows dat feel when all out of sudden - aku feel so restless, not knwing wat to do; since abah was so hopeless and the whole family had no where to turn to - except me, as the eldest. all dis while i was clinging to mak abah - i cldnt careless about the decision on dis and dat - but now, when ever there was a decision was needed - mak and adik2 wld turned their heads to me - hoping for some convincing answers. i was hopeless, helpless. i was shocked. i din knw who else to cling on; when everybdy were sort of clingin upon me - now dat i need to come up wit lots of new thg i never ever went thru all my life. i had to struggle to get thru it, i gotta struggle to face the fact dat abah will leave us sooner or later - and i had to struggle to find the very best for abah - for he, and all of us were running out of time, and we refused to jst succumb to the illness - tho the specialists consensusly said dat abah jst had like 3 months, to live life.

and imagine dat abah was so healthy back then - and suddenly had a fit, and wit in coupla days - the doc came up wit Astrocytoma, 4th Stage - which means there were so such of physical treatment wld be able to cure him. we were fall apart, shocked. i kept wishing for somethg better - till i learn myself dat there was nthg dat i can do - except spending the time left up to the max wit abah, and gav him the best care dat we cld. and redha ketentuan Nya.

and dis was the time - in 2012 - where aku decided to amek cuti pjg for the whole 2 weeks to jaga abah in Hospital Selayang and Hospital Sg Buloh, since adik2 aku cldnt do dat. and aku remember how mak weep on silently like every nite after her solat hajat beside abah - praying and hoping dat abah wld be ok. and each time - aku cried silently - for God knws how i feel.

by 2nd week of June 2012, the specialist advised us to bring abah to HKL for radiotherapy, and aku decided to bring abah home - since emak wanted so. abah and mak no longer stayed in Kubu Gajah - but ended up staying dengan kak ngah - for kak ngah tak keje and it wld be easy to sama2 jaga abah. lagipun mak risau stay berdua in Kubu Gajah - for abah no longer knew himself, completely havin fluctuation of mood, cldnt sleep at nite, and his ADL solely depends on mak. mak pun tak larat -since tak cukup tido and such. and then there was the time yg aku kept berulang alik Ipoh - Bagan Serai like every 2 days to see mak abah, to help watever i can. abah hardly knew me any longer, even he did - it'd take a longer time. and each time aku nak balik Ipoh - he'd hugged me, caressed my face, looked into my eyes - and nasihat aku about dis and dat. i wasnt sure if he knew wat he was saying, and i kept hoping dat he really knew dat it was me dat was talking to.. and i'd cry all the way back to Ipoh. like all the time.

by early July 2012, we decided to bring abah to HUSM - since cik found his way to get abah in the fast-q for radiotherapy. abah no longer himself. he was CRIB, and sometime the nurses tied him to the bed for he kept pulling off the NG tube off his nostril. mak left alone in KB to looked after abah, and i kept amek cuti every now and then, traveled Ipoh -KB to tgk mak abah. and so forth adik2 aku. 

aku thanked God as well, aku dianugerahkan Allah Taala adik2 yg bertanggungjwb, tau tugas dan peranan masing2 sebagai anak to mak abah. they helped me a lot - out of the misery. and aku bersyukur dek didikan mak abah - we r like dis. tho we went thru a tough time - we still able to laugh and joke around - in pain.

by completing 2nd cycle of radiotherapy - end of July; mak called me crying since abah dah hardly breathing,  and looked so tenat. aku cancelled my trip to KL and pecut to KB wit kak ngah's fmly, reached there by 11.30pm. Soleh was there, mak as well. 30 minutes by his side - at 12am somethg, abah left us - peacefully. its was 7th day of Ramadhan, 30th July 2012. i was there standing by his side, whispering kalimah syahadah into his ears - right until abah's last breath, and whole of him turned cold. kak ngah, soleh, me and mak were there by his side. cik and kak yang was still on the road then. 

i remember the feeling of being tremendously numb. of the unknwn. the future on the unknowing. the lost. the empty hole in u. the letting go off the pain - in him, in us. and a lot more. i still remember how.

2 bln setgh from now - it'll setahun abah tinggalkan aku, and the whole fmly. i hardly believe it still - darn it feels like yesterday. mak still crying every now and then - for it is so weird for her staying all alone - while all these 38 yrs, abah was around her side. she never told us so, but i caught her coupla times crying to herself. tho it wldnt be right if i say dat i know how it feels for mak facing all dis - but at least i am goin thru it as well now.

tho abah and me we were never dat close - aku do love him all my heart. and i knw he loves me as well - tho he never show me so. i jst knw. i mean - i dun knw. but i knw he loves me as much as i do to him.

i had a lot in me to talk to him, to share wit him - and i realized how a son need his fatherly figure so bad - so  dat he'll get thru life way better. i shldve knw dis way back then. there r so many regrets in me - and i gotta deal wit all em even now. i knw i've been a good son - but i never how good i am to him. and how i wish he cld tell me a thang or two. if i ever upto his expectation and such. i never blame him for anythg at all - it was me, as the son. 

it was me.

but then again - i was blessed - for who i am, wat i am; basically its becoz mak dan abah. didikan abah and mak and such. i knw i wldnt be able to be wat i am now, where i at now - if it was not becoz of them both. 


i am not sure when i'll be able to curb dis numbness in me. i knw abah is at a better place now - but at the same time, i cant help myself hoping he'd be ere by my side now. i knw dat sounds pretty much selfish - but then again..

i really he knws how it feels for me - missing him so much dat i dun hav words to tell so. al-fatihah.

along sayang abah.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

gdnyte, peeps.

fever, again. i am so tired of sneezin my lungs out, cough hard and dis runny nose - is killin me, literally.

its a sign, i knw. i work no-more smart lately, and i skipped my physical xtvties in the evening.

thk i shld call it of a day. dah telan ubat, kinda drowsy. hope by the morn sun, i will be ok. since esk keje, and aku one of Ketua Pemeriksa.

gdnyte. i am crashin now.



true, no?

Friday, May 10, 2013


Sara by Starship.
for ur good nyte lullaby.
darn i love dis!


i knw u mght cldnt careless about it. and i am ok wit it. perhaps u din even realized it pun. but there r few of the frens asking me such - when ever they catch me; thru Tweeter, text or else. 

the truth is - beside those like 700 of the unknwn dat i kicked off earlier - aku tak pernah plak blocked saper2 or deleted all those frens of mine (yg aku kenal for God sake) out from my previous Facebook account. and the fact is - i already re-deactivated the account, and its been 2 weeks now. so if u cant see me - get rid of the tot dat "Shahe u blocked i ke?" or "u deleted me out" kinda thang. no such. i wldnt do dat, to a fren. really.

but why? i dun hav a strong reason y, really. jst dat lately aku felt so out of place - and FB is no longer like aku knew it way back then. frens no longer like they used to, and all the unknwn one in there - aku somehow cant help feel it kinda fake. i knw its kinda bold, i am sorry. but dats how i feel. aku cant help to feel so lonely each time i logged in. as aku said it before - 1 pending and another 1 like not in a million years. and if u think dat dis wld be temporary and "owh, kejap je tu.. he'll definitely back in ere..", hahaha.. aku tak tau. and its been 2 weeks now, and i dun hav a single urge to be back pun. tak tau la esok lusa. still - even if i do so - i'd never knw why wld i, anymore. 

the insecurity, hopeless, and pointless. dats the thang. perhaps.

but still - aku on Twitter, blog. and Instagram as usual. i love to write. and i love to share my silly tots. plus taking pics, and share wit u guys. i mght not do FB-ing anymore to fulfill all those - but i am still, thru other channels.

i gez dats the way life is. change is so inevitable - someone kept tellin me dat. and i agree, no doubt. ppl come in. and ppl go. fren come and change ur life, and they leave. and the end of the day - only those who really care, unconditionally - will stay. and only now, i knw.

gnyte, ppl!

hit me.

found dis on the net.
i kinda like the image the front guy portrayed. 
he looked nerdy, yet at the same time
kinda fierce wit dat kinda


life is..

life is a beautiful struggle!


ok. i am not tryin to complain or bein pathetically sick at mind. but i jst, i mean - i really do hope khutbah Jumaat tadik wld be way critical, relevant and coherent to the current situation we r in. u knw wat i am sayin - the situation dat we r all in. the post-election, racial statement and such.

rather than u go talkin about Jabatan Bomba, Hari Bomba watever not. er, wait. am i complainin in ere? better off la kot. but then again - dis is jst my bloody 2 cents anyway. aku tgk kiri - dis studnt tongkat dagu and tido. and the same went wit a guy sebelah kanan aku. yg dpn, dok tunduk je buat apa tatau. FB kot? eh, dosa plak kang, fitnah2 neh. but generally - aku hardly see anyone concentrating tadik. except Mr Nazri yg duduk coupla saf dpn aku. i mean - knwing him. eh, ngumpat plak. dosa ok. erm, ok. to be frank - aku pun tak concentrate  i mean - Hari Bomba? marilah menjaga diri supaya tidak musnah terbakar harta benda? Ya Allah, ampunkanlah dosa aku. tp, i mean - bukan ke khutbah Jumaat jgk one of the medium to sebar ilmu, plus pengetahuan, betul kan yg mana salah and such? aku tak bermaksud khutbah tadi was such a lame (masyaAllah) tp.. at time like dis? talk a bout the needs, selective listening and such.

ok la. Hari Bomba. but then again, Hari Bomba? eh. next week plak Hari Guru. hurmmm..

i jst wish it'd be way critical, and coherent. itu je. not too heavy. not too light, but informative and able to catch ears. and stimulate ur mind as well. bwk kesedaran. and perubahan. bukan salah Tok Khatib, tp aku wonder saper la buat such text.

and aku wonder at the end of the day - berapa kerat je yg ingat all the pesanan Tok Khatib ari neh, and berapa org plak yg really berasa terkesan dek hati dan otak masing2 regarding the khutbah ari neh.


smell me!

here we r at Friday again. and u'll start thinkin, "eh, baru je rasa semlm Isnin" kinda thang - jst exactly mcm Ramesh ckp tadik. and Fina went like mata tgk siling and went "heh, ye lar tu". phewww.. but the weekdays went by too fast kan? i mean - literally, mmg la not as fast as the weekend. tp.. apa2 lah. u knw wat i am sayin.

and esok plus lusa, aku kena dtg keje for marking. wohoooooooo.. and the weekend wld be another soooooo bloody long jgk lah for me, i think.


ok. enuf of dat. thinkin dat i gotta come to work on the weekend again and again pun, it wldnt do any good pun. aku tetap kena dtg marking. enuff tooooooting my own misery. we r done wit the list on ''Typical Ladies", and i had somethg in mind to share wit u guys now. how a bout on the listicles on 10 Heavenly Smell? these r the smell i love the most. i mean - i really love these smell, God sake.

  1. the bakery. when i walk into a bakery and i am accosted by dat bloody beautiful aroma. i wld go like, 'can i jst lay my face on ur tray of those cream puff and cookies?' and then bathe in a big pail of warm Hell-o, naked.. shyte. wait. ur not suppose to read dat. and stop dat notti tot of urs! LOLs.
  2. a new book. i like the smeel of new books. i'd go slipped down an empty row in a book store, picked out a book at random, looked right, then left, opened a book and inhaled like a chaser. i'd go high. no. u never see me doin it, for i wont be doin it, publicly. haha..  it was ok, but it doesnt even compare to a bakery la kot. but at least..
  3. fresh-cut grass. in the morn. nthg says sunny weather like a fresh-cut grass. and after the back-to-back craziness at work, i love to jog along the pathway, by the fresh-cut grass. it makes me feel like a real human being, i'd say.
  4. burning fire wood. remind me of my childhood. time abah potong ranting-ranting pokok and burnt em alrite. i knw its kinda weird, but i love it. so wat?
  5. minimonsters' hair after they bathe. trust me on dis - we wont get into it, i mean; the before smell. haha busuk weh. bley pinsan.
  6. gasoline in 1980's. i'd go mmmmm-mmmmm. dis is when aku kena pasang lampu gasoline way back then time rumah kami tak dak letrik lagik. every nite, sebelum Maghrib, kena nyalakan lampu gasoline. darn i am good at dat! especially time isi minyak gasoline to its chamber. hehehe.. i dun knw y it smelled different back then. was it leaded or somethg? it'd go pumping the lampu gasoline while inhaling those scrumptious fumes. dude. good times! hahaha
  7. those wonderful permanent markers my dad bought us when i was a kid. gosh. they were awesome. i am sure its probably against the law or somethg to smell those thgs now (is it?), but they were abso-mak-ai-bestnye-bau-lately delightful to my 8 year old nose.
  8. armpits wit Denim Original Deo on it. err, forget it. i wont go elaborating on dis. hahaha
  9. cK Eternity perfume. dammit dat stuff smelled so good. i had a bottle for myself, but i doesnt smell dat good on me. but still - i am so in love wit it - especially when someone who really blend emselves well wit it. gosh. i'd go ga ga.
  10. fish curry. hahaha.. how shld i put it, eh?

eh? dah 12.30pm? heh. time for solat Jumaat! 



i had like a real list of To Do thang for today,
yet i am not really done wit of the those pun. still at #1, yet accomplishing.
haih, how la?
so lazy meh.


dust off my shoulder.

we received dat all the time. i remember i read it somewhere regarding it - we gotta forget the insults, remember all the compliments. 

but then again - wats ur worst "compliment" u ever received? u knw wat i am sayin - the 'behind those beautiful words' kinda thang. coded in syrup-sweet words ur eagerly wanna swallow it down but then again - it is a cut so deep dat left u wit confusion crinkle between ur eyes, plus ur lower lips left dangling open - jst like dat Butthead, a fren of Beavis yeah.

or perhaps (i got dis all the time) the words r so empty, meaningless dat its so obvious the "complementor" is indeed - lookin for somethg from the "complementee".

so, here r the  Er, Wat Is Dat? Complement I've Ever received;

  1. owh, i love ur 'hair' so much. it better dis way! translation - ur old hairstyle pun merepek jgk. better off Rosmah.
  2. u look so good today! (usually i'd jst smile away, and say thanks)  translation - i am in absolute shock dat u look good today. bcoz usually u look like a sick leper. bley?
  3. ur doin a hell good job! (trust me - my big boss says dis a lot. a real lot!)  translation - i dun hav the gift of encouragement and it hurts my brain to try to come up wit somethg specific - like everytime ur doin well. so, watever ur doin, jst keep doin it lah!
  4. u shld dress like dis more often.. (mak selalu ckp mcm ni bila tgk aku in baju office lengkap dgn tie etc. euw)  translation - u dressed badly yesterday and every day since ur mum stopped dressing u, dat i was ready to call Norma Norell and let u learn a lesson or two.
  5. ur blog is soo cute! i love reading it.. well i suppose there r few entries can be cute. but then again, these compliments r always followed up wit "hey, i am following u.. so come follow me back at www.datanglatgkblogmakbykfollowerlebydariko.ok"
  6. ur coachable! (wit a pat on my shoulder, not my arse!) my PT from the gym used to tell me dat, a lot. i dun really knw wats dat mean, God sake. but i remember it struck my mind once while i was driving, and its funny when once i believed wat he was tryin to tell me was like "i cant point to anythg u do well, atheletically, but at least u listen to me!"
  7. for you, dats really good. translation - darn i guess for somebdy as dim as u, it really is good. i would never score dat low. as low as ur. i am brilliant. and ran ur dumb.
  8. u hav a really nice beautiful eyes. and a clean, white teeth. hahaha.. another thang. i mean - most of the time i'd go mum, and say thanks. but sometime, dats jst weird. so basically ur telling me, out of all the parts of u - ur eyes r the best. face? butt-ugly. personality? sucks. body?.. eh, i jst love those eyes, lah! and er, ur gigi jgk. hahaha
  9. u look jst like.. (insert the ugliest celebrity alive, in here). shyte. i hav no translation for it. probably, its literally true la kot? haha
  10. and u look jst like.. (insert the hottest bald celebrity alive, in here). stdnts called me dat. they wld go commenting at my pics wit dat particular name, like.. "ok, can u say somethg new" mcm tu. hahaha.. esp time aku baru ber-barber. sometime i cldnt help to be dumbfounded. how cld i looked like dat hot, bald celeb/singer? obviously, he/she was flirting wit me, bcoz dat was a load of crap. i looked nthg like Pitbul, xcpt i had my head bald like all the time. but i totally ate it up anyway - tho aku tau aku "gemuk, pendek, itam dan botak" as Pinkie and Azman wld call me like most of the time. Pitbul is hot and i took any compliment i cld get. i started dressing like him, and bald my head like his. in my mind - i was Pitbul's slightly-less how twim brother. ha ha

confession time - i think i've given every one of these compliments jugak kot. or perhaps, any of the above. LOLs. xcpt the eyes and the teeth compliment. i'd jst rather say nthg at all in dat case. 

but then again - i feel bless wit wat ever dat is. say somethg good to me, and i'll go telan it rite away. why wld i be bother thinkin 'betol ke ko neh?'. hehe