aku still shed some tears each time aku ke kubur abah. dun get me wrong, i wasnt crying like a lil child, jst dat aku cant help my tears to stream down my cheeks each time aku pi kubur abah.
and maybe, dats the reason y aku lagi suka pi kubur abah sorg2.
each time - i mean, each time aku had tears down my cheeks - and only then aku knew how small i am, how fragile and how vulnerable i am, God sake.
some said aku still grieving. some said its normal - its human emotion. but i called as love and regret. love - for wat he is. and who he is to me. regret - for so many unexplainable thgs in me, terbuku deep in me and i didnt get the chance to share it wit him.
and today, i went thru dat again. aku pi kubur abah sorg2, did a bit of tahlil ringkas and aku spent some time beside him. tell him thgs as if he didnt knw a thang. dat aku finally dpt my HLP, dat aku remember still it is his anniversary today. and how finally after abah prayed so hard so dat aku dpt HLP and smbg stdy jst like i want it to be. how it get rejected coupla times - now dat i get it, yet abah is no more around.
aku rindukan abah. i knw he knws how it is for me. for us - w/o him around. a day like dis - aku rasa btol2 sunyi. aku rasa down. aku hav to show dat i am ok. dat i am happy to mak and adik2 dat finally aku got wat i want all dis while.
aku wish aku cld talk about dis to someone. but i doubt anyone will understand how it feels. i wanna talk about it to mak - but hell i knw wat mak is goin thru. so i ended up putting all in ere, knwing dat it wont resist. and it wont go judgin me.
Ya Allah. dis is tough.