Monday, April 29, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
wat we did was pi belakang dapur to the dapur kayu (its a bangsal where makcik2 aku guna kayu api to masak2), we picked up the small portion of kayu arang (yg burnt and itam tu), we smashed and mashed it into a fine serbuk - and then tenyeh it to ur gigi. as simple as dat. but u gotta make sure the arang btol2 jadi serbuk or else ketul2 kecik will enuff to stuck in between ur teeth (yg time tu tak brp nak aligned well.. hahaha ) and will make ur life miserable thru out the day.
kdg2 bila cousins aku tau yg kitorang akan balik kg - they'll do the 'pre-mixed' serbuk arang plus a bit of garam kasar, and kept it in a nice small jar - for us; me and kak ngah. lagi best siot! aku remember arwah abah used to tell us - kalo guna arang, gigi akan jadi putih. but if u mix em up wit garam - it'll get even better. and no wonder abah had a very strong, white and clean kinda gigi - rite until abah passed away.
u need not to use any baking soda, hydrogen peroxide or even those pemutih gigi yg dok iklan kat FB tu! hahaha.. jgn marah. i mean - ye lah, skang mana la nak cari arang yg btol2 arang. not dat kinda arang yg jual kat Giant for BBQ tu. dis is the real kayu api, yg dah terbakar rentung.. and btol2 jadik arang. erm, anyway - wats the different eh? dun ask. aku tatau. huhu
and aku remember mak was kinda skeptical about dis. but knwing mak yg selalu and pandai berhemah in all sort of thgs (perhaps dia tak mau kecik kan ati abah and saper2 pun); she'll tell us 'tak pa la, tapi make sure kumur elok2.. and then pi gosok gigi guna ubat gigi and berus gigi!!' kinda thang. and we'll do jst exactly dat. rayau2 awal pagi time embun was all over places, looked for a small piece of arang, cuci2 sket, get em smashed to dust, and tenyeh to gigi masing2. we had fun, really. sometimes aku wld go 'dajal' kak ngah - tenyeh the arang to gigi and then calit to her face - and she'll definitely go sawan meraung cari mak.
and i was like 8 i think, kak ngah was 6.
but dat was then. i was gargling wit a hydrogen peroxide like i always did early in the morn., depan cermin - and all dis kinda thang came flashing back rite in front of my eyes.
and it gets me smiling.
u hav a great Twos-day, fellas!
Monday, April 22, 2013
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
anther day begins. same old day. but at least today, i've made different. aku decided nak pi tgk stdnts kat Pangkor. aftet all Mr Bong asked me so, earlier. since aku still around.. why not. for in coupla months to come - i will definitely find myself rindu buat keje2 mcm neh..
coupla months to come eh?
darn aku cant help to hav a lot in mind. the anxiety. the nervousness. for somethg i am not sure of. somethg unknwn. tho dis is wat i hav been praying for and wanting for so long - it is gonna be new and strange for hell yeah.
i hope i will hav enuff strenght by then.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
aku still shed some tears each time aku ke kubur abah. dun get me wrong, i wasnt crying like a lil child, jst dat aku cant help my tears to stream down my cheeks each time aku pi kubur abah.
and maybe, dats the reason y aku lagi suka pi kubur abah sorg2.
each time - i mean, each time aku had tears down my cheeks - and only then aku knew how small i am, how fragile and how vulnerable i am, God sake.
some said aku still grieving. some said its normal - its human emotion. but i called as love and regret. love - for wat he is. and who he is to me. regret - for so many unexplainable thgs in me, terbuku deep in me and i didnt get the chance to share it wit him.
and today, i went thru dat again. aku pi kubur abah sorg2, did a bit of tahlil ringkas and aku spent some time beside him. tell him thgs as if he didnt knw a thang. dat aku finally dpt my HLP, dat aku remember still it is his anniversary today. and how finally after abah prayed so hard so dat aku dpt HLP and smbg stdy jst like i want it to be. how it get rejected coupla times - now dat i get it, yet abah is no more around.
aku rindukan abah. i knw he knws how it is for me. for us - w/o him around. a day like dis - aku rasa btol2 sunyi. aku rasa down. aku hav to show dat i am ok. dat i am happy to mak and adik2 dat finally aku got wat i want all dis while.
aku wish aku cld talk about dis to someone. but i doubt anyone will understand how it feels. i wanna talk about it to mak - but hell i knw wat mak is goin thru. so i ended up putting all in ere, knwing dat it wont resist. and it wont go judgin me.
Ya Allah. dis is tough.
i swear to God i am not sure how to deal wit dis. lps Subuh, alarm aku strangely menjerit2 - checked, and it was mak abh nye anniversary, yg ke-40.
40 thn, yeap. and for the first time, w/o abh arnd.
mak looked cool about it. mak infact told me dat it is her anniversary while i was havin my drink alone kat dapur. i knew it earlier, but i jst nodded my head and jst smiled to her.
she looks so calm. but i knw, at the back of her eyes; shes keepin a storm of loneliness, and i knw shes missing her husbnd so much dat no words in dis whole wide world can describe.
aku lepak2 kat rmh ngah dgn bdk2 neh, when mak came in. kak ngah peluk mak, kissed her at the cheek, wishin mak happy anniversary. ngah told mak to not be sad - for she still has us arnd, and us hav her all the time.. aku bgun, and did the same. i told mak i wanted to wish her way earlier (for i never fail to be the first, every year) but i jst dun knw how, and i am not sure hows the reaction wld be. so i jst hugged her, and wished her alrite. she weeped a bit away, and trust me - God sake, i jst dun knw wat to say. i jst dun knw wat to do.
i am usually good wit comfort words to others, but for the first time - aku tak tau nak cakap apa. aku jst hugged her, aku i was speechless.
i mght tell u lies if i tell u i knw how it is - for her. its mak yg went thru such. but then again, i believed we shared the same feeling - rindu kan abah. especially at time like dis..
mak ajak aku pi pasar. but upon seeing my automatic response on my face, she laughed away and ajak kak ngah. rasa bersalah jgk. dah la jarang2 balik.. tp mak ckp its ok. and kak ngah glad to replace me, asalkan 'hang tgk jap bdk2 neh.. buas kalu, hang kutey sekoq2'. rite on. easy for me. hahaha
mak nak masak nasik ayam. mak nak buat mkn2 sket, for her anniversary.. since aku balik, Soleh pun ada. aku was like.. wow. nasik ayam. hehehe matilarr gemuk.
but then again, who cld resist mak nye cooking? i dun mind being gemuk, rather than tak makan wat shes cooking..
err, i mean.. heh. forget it.
mak, selamat ulangtahun perkahwinan. dah 40thn eh? along proud to hav mak and abah in along's. along tak tau where i wld be w/o u both. tho now dat mak sorg, it doesnt dat thgs r completely different. abah is around. in mak. in us. abah is around all of us. he's apart us.
and mak dun hav to worry a thang.
p/s; along sgy mak!!