Monday, April 29, 2013


i am tired. long hrs of driving, and days wit lots of activities. i shld be sleeping now, and dreaming away. i knw i shld. i am so tired, and sleepy - but the ironic part is - i cant sleep.

and its 3am in the morn now. esok keje mcm biasak - beside, aku kena travel again to Pangkor. plus Ulu Dedap and Chgkat Lada, covering Mr Ismail.

so many thgs in mind - so much i wanna share - but i knw at dis point now, i wont be able to do dat anymore. i gotta learn to keep it all in me. i remember reading it somewhere - sometimes u gotta learn to cry alone. no, i am not crying. dats not the point. the point is - ppl change. thgs around u change as well. change is so inevitable. and i gez dats the way it is. 

so time i cldnt help myself thinking - perhaps i am not dat good enuff. all the years of sweet thgs and such - was suddenly ruined by a single action and u din even hav the chance to defend urself.


perhaps i shld go lying down and wishing the eyes wld go drifting away. darn i gotta drive again, trow!


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

when i was a kid.. bubbles.

when i was a kid, i was so fascinated wit bubbles. yeap yeap - bubbles. be it wat kinda bubbles it was - i jst love em all. i remember to hav all sort of questions in my head upon seeing one - how does it happens? how cld be like dat? and so many more.

i remember selalu kena marah dgn mak since aku suka goncang botol syampo kat bilik air - since once u did dat; u'll get to see a lot of small bubbles in it. and it turned me crazy. hahaha.. i knw. but dun blame me then - i was a small kid je kot. and bila mandi - mak will always get tired of entertaining me to make more bubbles of the bar soap we were using. tp abah way way smart - he bought us Popinjay - bar soap yg ijau, keras and less bubbles tu. tensi aku.

kdg2 he'd bought us Palmolive or Lux - and i felt so 'rich'. ye lah - kitorang family tak kaya, dpt guna sabun wangi tajuk mcm tu, rasa mewah sesgt. and furthermore - they left me wit more bubbles, God sake. hahaha.. and each time - mak terpaksa 'sorok' the bar soap since sabun cepat giler 'kembang' and abes. mana tak - kalo aku mandi wit kak ngah - we will soak the sabun dlm cebuk air, and went bubblin! sampai sabun tu lembik and cepat abes. and when dat happened - abah akan rasa pelik, and he'll switched back to Popinjay. mind u - we never used shower cream, gel watever not time tu. not until kitorang besar and able to buy thgs on our own.

its not sabun je yg aku suka when it comes to bubbles (haip!! jst dun go there, ok! i was innocent at dat time.. and i gez i am still, now!!). tp apa2 je lah yg bley go bubblin, aku suka. u knw time kecik2 dulu - we kids love to do bubbles wit ur own saliva? hahaha disgusting  i knw. but i did dat as well. and mak sgt2 tak suka dat she'll go 'piat' my telinga each time she saw me doin dat. 

and aku kept doin dat until mak bosan and repot kat abah.. and bila abah tau - it was way too late then. haha

and did u knw dat u can too, make bubbles wit ur drinks? hahaha again - sgt tak baik, mcm ckp org2 tua. tak sopan - mak selalu told me dat. but i jst love it. 

especially when u were provided a straw to finish up ur drink. aiyoo. heaven! i will keep doin it, smpai abah tegur aku not to. i'd go senyap jap.. tp will strat doin it again w/in coupla mins. until abah penat tegur and he when 'pekk' my nape of neck. and only then i'll go completely senyap - wit muka mcm ikan puyu tertelan paku. 

but dat was then. i no longer do the above. perhaps aku no more a kid. w'pun aku tau - theres no such undang2 or rules and regulations in life sayin u cant do dat, when ur aging up. i am seeing bubbles from the other side nowadays. they still makes me smiling - for i am happy seeing it again. but then again - bubbles wont stay long for u. they'll make u smile, fascinating - and off they leave u. 

- in wonder. sigh.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

when i was a kid.. arang and gigi.

when i was a kid, i used to use 'arang' (i.e charcoal) to clean up my teeth. but dat was when kitorang did the balik kg je lah.. apparently, sumer cousins et al aku used dat to 'gosok gigi' beside using the tooth paste and the conventional berus gigi. and each time aku and adik2 balik kg - we were so eager to try it as well.

wat we did was pi belakang dapur to the dapur kayu (its a bangsal where makcik2 aku guna kayu api to masak2), we picked up the small portion of kayu arang (yg burnt and itam tu), we smashed and mashed it into a fine serbuk - and then tenyeh it to ur gigi. as simple as dat. but u gotta make sure the arang btol2 jadi serbuk or else ketul2 kecik will enuff to stuck in between ur teeth (yg time tu tak brp nak aligned well.. hahaha ) and will make ur life miserable thru out the day.

kdg2 bila cousins aku tau yg kitorang akan balik kg - they'll do the 'pre-mixed' serbuk arang plus a bit of garam kasar, and kept it in a nice small jar - for us; me and kak ngah. lagi best siot! aku remember arwah abah used to tell us - kalo guna arang, gigi akan jadi putih. but if u mix em up wit garam - it'll get even better. and no wonder abah had a very strong, white and clean kinda gigi - rite until abah passed away.

u need not to use any baking soda, hydrogen peroxide or even those pemutih gigi yg dok iklan kat FB tu! hahaha.. jgn marah. i mean - ye lah, skang mana la nak cari arang yg btol2 arang. not dat kinda arang yg jual kat Giant for BBQ tu. dis is the real kayu api, yg dah terbakar rentung.. and btol2 jadik arang. erm, anyway - wats the different eh? dun ask. aku tatau. huhu

and aku remember mak was kinda skeptical about dis. but knwing mak yg selalu and pandai berhemah in all sort of thgs (perhaps dia tak mau kecik kan ati abah and saper2 pun); she'll tell us 'tak pa la, tapi make sure kumur elok2.. and then pi gosok gigi guna ubat gigi and berus gigi!!' kinda thang. and we'll do jst exactly dat. rayau2 awal pagi time embun was all over places, looked for a small piece of arang, cuci2 sket, get em smashed to dust, and tenyeh to gigi masing2. we had fun, really. sometimes aku wld go 'dajal' kak ngah - tenyeh the arang to gigi and then calit to her face - and she'll definitely go sawan meraung cari mak.

and i was like 8 i think, kak ngah was 6.

but dat was then. i was gargling wit a hydrogen peroxide like i always did early in the morn., depan cermin - and all dis kinda thang came flashing back rite in front of my eyes.

and it gets me smiling.


u hav a great Twos-day, fellas!

Monday, April 22, 2013

its Moan-day! Mown-day? heh.

as usual, aku woke up early dis morning. by 4am aku dah walked out of the master bed room, wandering to the study room. cldnt find wat else to do, aku golek2 jap. by 5.30am - aku dah mandi, solat sunat as ustaz asked me to do - and iron baju. Subuh masuk awal now, so aku off siap2, turun for my regular drink and supplements and left the house. 

and as expected - pg2 lagi aku nyer KP Mr Bong dah called aku - regarding the kelayakan menduduki sumatif budak2 aku. mmg dah siap - tp again, as usual - last2 minit byk je perubahan dis and dat need to be done. aku bosan benda2 yg last minit berubah neh - but then again; aku kinda cool wit it, for i knw dats the way it is in ere. so, bt 7am aku dah stuck in my chair - doin wats need to be done. since by 8am - KP aku nak all thgs done for him and Pengarah to sign and off hantar ke BPL, KL for further meetings and such.

Fina cuti, yet she's in for dis. kesian dia. Amer mcm biasak - stumbled up side down struggling to get thgs done. dia dah siap - byk byk tak kena. budak2 dia Sem 4; first time in clinical area. so he really need sometime to get used to the changes and such.

bukan dia je - aku yg budak2 dah Sem 5 neh pun still struggling. every sem - i mean, every sem mesti ada perubahan. lain SUP, lain format. ISO kah? be it lah. malas aku nak stress2. afterall - KP dah signed. Pengarah dah went thru em all, and basically i am done for dis sem. and next sem - erk, forget it. next sem i wont be doin dis anymore. thank God.

starting today up till Wed., aku terlibat dlm Bengkel Pemurnian Lesson Plans for ESP. imagine, 3 days ok. for such. aku not keen pun. i mean - last time pun dah buat, and now nak buat pe lagik eh? lagipun aku byk keje tertunggak kat ofc pun.. but then again, aku pi je la. 8.30am aku masuk - Puan Tan dah started dgn taklimat wat to do and such. and masuk selamba je. and as usual - known for 'bad boi' kat kolej neh; dia siap perli2 aku lagik.. aku buat muka selamba je, and took it as a humour. at leats aku tak stress wit it, for it is so not worth it to stress on it pun. member2 se-floor tau aku nyer habit, so dorg sengih2 je. 

tak smpai 30mins in the taklimat - KP called and aku blah. okay tak? haha

tak pe lah. 2pm nanti aku masuk duduk buat keje leklok. trust me. heh heh heh

ok. solat time! and yeah, aku hav a bengkel to attend ok! huhuhu

Sunday, April 21, 2013

at mom's.

had a good time at rumah mak. i dun officially call it as my kampung - but then again, dis is where we r at now. aku hardly go back to Kubu Gajah pun nowadayas. since mak dah stay sini in her new place, so dis is where we r berkumpul now. cik and fmly tak balik pulak minggu ni. perhaps dia balik mengundi sekali la kot nanti. kak yang - a bit payah la.. shes way down there. furthermore aku will get a new anak menakan like 8months from now - i bet kak yang tak berapa larat nak travel pergi balik pun.

but we had Soleh for dis weekend. dia saja balik tgk mak, as wat he said. and tadik - aku hantar dia kat stesyen bus Bagan Serai since bus dia back to Melaka at 12pm. he's young and restless. Soleh rajin berulang alik dr sini to Kubu Gajah. and aku faham y it is. Soleh pun sibuk since now its the berkempen time for PRU13. u knw wat i mean.

aku did some DIY for rumah mak today. the sink, the water filter, nailed up few frames as mak nak they up the wall the way she wanted em to be. mak mmg suka mengemas and tata atur rumah they way she read it thru mags. and aku learnt a lot from her as well. for ther, thgs need not to be expensive, but a bit creativity will do good. and bila ramai cucu2 kuar masuk and such - aku can see how horrified she is. kelakar jugak tgk. but then again - mak cool, bila time cucu2 - she dun really mind. aku ingat - kalo kitorang dulu kechik2 mcm ni, mati lar..

its kinda hot in here. sgt2 panas. nak hujan, tapi tak hujan pun. mandi dah byk kali, berpeluh2 mcm terjun lombong,

erm, maybe kena fix kipas la kat dpn tempat lepak neh. tadak angin langsung. aku je yg rasa nak berangin..

Saturday, April 20, 2013



woke up early. by 8.30am - aku dah kat gym; since nothg much to do. and 10am - aku dah off for teakwondo nye class. kinda tough. its been a while. and by 12pm somethg - i am done; and aku str8 head home. 

basically aku rindu mak. dah nearly 2 weeks since aku last see her, and i knw i need to do somethg. aku mandi, solat Zohor, and took a nap. and after Asar - aku terus drive and balik Bagan Serai. lapar giler, since last mkn breakfast je,, tu pun karipap 3 ketol.

mak sihat. each time aku balik sini, mcm2 berubah, kali ni - dgn bantuan Soleh, mak dah install telefon rumah. senang ati aku. amk tak ckp pun - she told me she can deal wit it on her own. and surprisingly, mak bubuh jugak internet - tho it was jst a basic Streamyx pakej, aku rasa ok sgt2 since, since mak cakap 'senang anak2 nak buat keje, ada internet..'. and 'tak payah berangkut pi rumah ngah nak pakai internet'. aku senyum je. ye lah. kdg2 cik balik, kak yang balik - even aku wit all those keje ofc yg perlu internet xcess - since susah sket nak pakai broadband. Celcom susah. Maxis pun payah. Streamyx jugak senang.

esok pagi2 aku nak ke kubur abah. rindu rasa. byk nak bercerita dgn abah. i still wish him to be around. and esok Soleh and abg ngah masing2 sibuk - understood - nak PRU13 neh. berkempen et al. haha

semua org dah tdo. mak pun. Haziq nak tdo rumah opah dia, nak tdo dgn aku.. awal lagik dah hanyut.


belek2 FB. ntgh much there. aku rasa sgt kosong. a bit pointless. nthg left in there - for the first time after like years, aku rasa a bit insecure. the feelin of kinda loose. all dis while i do hav reason for it, now i dun think i am. i dun knw how to explain. aku dah clear nearly half of the unknown in the fren-list, skang dlm 7 ratus lbey je. dr around 1400 sthg. still aku rasa byk yg aku nak cut off. 

time to crash. i'll see u trow.

gnyte. and assalamualaikum.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

gd morning!

anther day begins. same old day. but at least today, i've made different. aku decided nak pi tgk stdnts kat Pangkor. aftet all Mr Bong asked me so, earlier. since aku still around.. why not. for in coupla months to come - i will definitely find myself rindu buat keje2 mcm neh..

coupla months to come eh?

darn aku cant help to hav a lot in mind. the anxiety. the nervousness. for somethg i am not sure of. somethg unknwn. tho dis is wat i hav been praying for and wanting for so long - it is gonna be new and strange for hell yeah.

i hope i will hav enuff strenght by then.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

reality bites!

been thru a long days in the whole week, since last week itself. been thru a lot, as well. it is somethg u dun wanna go thru, but u jst hav to. it is somethg u dun even think of happening, and it is - and u had no choice but to brace urself and went thru it all. be it tho it hurts or not - dats somethg else. its "u hav to go thru it well" first, and later u think of all the others.

but i learnt a lot. dats the single motivation i had in me - so dat i cld be strong and eager to get thru wit all the shyte, and cast em away. i believe dat no matter how bulshyte thgs r - and no matter how sick it is for u to face it; they'll sooner or later will go away. and by the time they do - u'll appreciate the moment well, and u will learn lesson good. no matter wat ppl say about it - telling u dat it aint the first and such - deep in me, i knw i am learning somethg new. and i put a guard around me - at least - near the future i wont get hurt jst the way it is before, and i'll make sure ppl around me dat i love - wldnt get the same piece of shyte.

and i learn dis as well - when u fcuk up, u gotta own it, admit it, take the blame well, apologize it, learn from it and never do it again. a tough one - never do it again - but then again; u got no choice. u hav to take it as it is. to never do it again. i mean - never, ever do it again. and fcukin learn well from it.

i gotta learn how to choose a someone to talk to as well. i mean - everybdy can claim dat they r a good listener and such - but a good listener need not to instill any of nbdy's value in u - they jst need to listen. dats all. and never judge u as well. by judging ur fren who's in need - u'll hurt em - and nbdy knws. tho perhaps wat ur tryin to say is a bold freakin fact - u gotta learn how to put it nicely; for they r in need. they r screwed up themselves. and they need ur courtesy to lend em ur ears, and nothg more. they need no advice, no judgement, no naggin. its jst ur ears. 

watever i went thru - its a lesson to myself. i am learning. and i keep reminding myself, the dis and dat. the dis dat i shldnt do to others. and the dat dat might hurt me, i shld never do it to anyone at all. 

and dat u might forget - wat u giv, u'll get it back in return, somehow or rather.

alhamdulillah. thgs r a lil bit better now. i had like a smack rite on my face, and i never think of it - and thank God; aku betol2 sedar skang. no doubt - aku appreciated it well. next time - i knw wat to do. ppl get tired of u easily, and dats the fact. ppl mght say thgs they dun mean it. and ppl mght not mean wat they say.

life is a long journey, esp when ur on ur own. no matter how many frens claimed dat they love u, around u - life is a long lonely path. and dats the fact. be watever comes in mind - u cant deny it; dats the bloody fact, it is. and u got no choice but to brace dat fact well. u need not to be stumble down on ur face - and only then realize such. who knws - it mght be too late then. i consider myself kinda late in knwg dis - but alhamdulillah - at least aku sedar.

i am preparing myself to get back to the real reality. sooner or later. 


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

bengkel. classes.

i am done wit the Makmal/Bengkel Pembinaan Kurikulum Advance Diploma Mental Health 2/2013. siri ketiga they decided to do it in JB. yeay! bley jalan kuar tgk dunia. i am glad i am apart of the team. dah sethn lebih we get together, brainwashed otak masing2, gadoh2 during presentation, and a lot more. aku pun naik bosan buat kurikulum neh. not my cuppa, to be frank. but i am seeing it from a good side - it is away from my routine. and it is a learning process jgk. and bila the course kick-off, i wld be glad coz i am among those behind the course, physically.

and aku glad to sit at the round table wit all those geniuses; and workin wit Mr Hari is a great opportunity  serious. i love the way he think, the way he rationalize thgs, shared his experiences and such. to be frank - aku adore him and aku selesa keje dgn dia. perhaps maybe sebab dia pun background sama dgn aku - Pyschology. and Psychiatry. lately nih dia makin selamba je sound aku dlm discussion, and buat lawak dgn aku. aku - to think aku wld go silence and keep it to myself - mmg tak la. ko sagat aku, aku sagat ko balik kinda thang.

but of coz - in a berhemah way. he is still my Timbalan Pengarah.

today, bengkel separuh hari je. baru cdg nak reschedule kelas ptg, tp since separuh hari - aku masuk je la kelas. 2 to 5; on Abnormal Psychology. and gez wat - i am glad i did not reschedule the class - the class went well, smooth. aku masuk dgn rasa malas. tp within 10mins or so - aku back to the usual me. i love to teach, especially bila stdnts r attentively participate in it, enjoying it. aku shld be finishin up the whole topic - tp kena sambung lain ari since byk soalan, jokes and such in between.

and being able to reconnect urself thru ur experience and make the stdnts comprehend the whole idea - is such a satisfaction for me. i walked out the class at 4.30pm, dgn smile wit my face. w'pun perit tekak, aku able to deliver. aku harap - even if the stdnts cldnt get the whole idea - kalo dorg faham sebahagian of it pun tak pe.. and if dat will giv sucha impact to their life, lagik bagus. for i believe dats how the learning process shld be. study and u dun remember after the exam - is not kinda learning aku nak in my stdnts. i want somethg way better than jst dat - changes in the affective, t/laku and such - dats my goal.

at least.

owh. aku skip gym today. malas plak rasa. ujan. heh - i knw i shldnt use dat excuse, as if gym directly under the sky. to be frank - aku malas lah. dah 3 days in the row kot. ari ni cuti. esok je aku pi.

other lecturers dat start with their 5 (my) S. kemas2. susun2. buang2. a senior came to me and ckp, 'Shah nak 5S kena bwk lori kecik' since tmpat aku byk bouquet of flowers la, all dis adiah-i-dun-knw-wat. nak buang adiah2 neh, rasa bersalah la plak. nak simpan, aku tatau mana nak taruk. tp mmg aku tak nak buang.. syg weh! all these r sort of appreciation for me - yg u hardly see ada kat any of other lecturers nyer tempat. aku remember Puan Faridah tanya 'kenapa Shah je yg dpt bunga eh? akak tak dpt pun?'. motip nyer soalan. aku balas dgn flip rambut je 3x. hahaha.. nanti la aku susun elok2. and lbey teruk, Puan Ong dgn muka sekeping nye dtg kat aku ckp, 'Shah kena bwk maid dtg, and do the 5S'. gampang kan? tp aku as usual, gelak lagik kuat dr yg tukang buat lawak. and aku buat lawak lagik tambah. 


dah la. aku nak balik. see ya!

Sunday, April 7, 2013

rindu abah..

aku still shed some tears each time aku ke kubur abah. dun get me wrong, i wasnt crying like a lil child, jst dat aku cant help my tears to stream down my cheeks each time aku pi kubur abah.

and maybe, dats the reason y aku lagi suka pi kubur abah sorg2.

each time - i mean, each time aku had tears down my cheeks - and only then aku knew how small i am, how fragile and how vulnerable i am, God sake.

some said aku still grieving. some said its normal - its human emotion. but i called as love and regret. love - for wat he is. and who he is to me. regret - for so many unexplainable thgs in me, terbuku deep in me and i didnt get the chance to share it wit him.

and today, i went thru dat again. aku pi kubur abah sorg2, did a bit of tahlil ringkas and aku spent some time beside him. tell him thgs as if he didnt knw a thang. dat aku finally dpt my HLP, dat aku remember still it is his anniversary today. and how finally after abah prayed so hard so dat aku dpt HLP and smbg stdy jst like i want it to be. how it get rejected coupla times - now dat i get it, yet abah is no more around.

aku rindukan abah. i knw he knws how it is for me. for us - w/o him around. a day like dis - aku rasa btol2 sunyi. aku rasa down. aku hav to show dat i am ok. dat i am happy to mak and adik2 dat finally aku got wat i want all dis while.

aku wish aku cld talk about dis to someone. but i doubt anyone will understand how it feels. i wanna talk about it to mak - but hell i knw wat mak is goin thru. so i ended up putting all in ere, knwing dat it wont resist. and it wont go judgin me.

Ya Allah. dis is tough.

happy anniversary, mak!! :-(

i swear to God i am not sure how to deal wit dis. lps Subuh, alarm aku strangely menjerit2 - checked, and it was mak abh nye anniversary, yg ke-40.

40 thn, yeap. and for the first time, w/o abh arnd.

mak looked cool about it. mak infact told me dat it is her anniversary while i was havin my drink alone kat dapur. i knew it earlier, but i jst nodded my head and jst  smiled to her.

she looks so calm. but i knw, at the back of her eyes; shes keepin a storm of loneliness, and i knw shes missing her husbnd so much dat no words in dis whole wide world can describe.

aku lepak2 kat rmh ngah dgn bdk2 neh, when mak came in. kak ngah peluk mak, kissed her at the cheek, wishin mak happy anniversary. ngah told mak to not be sad - for she still has us arnd, and us hav her all the time.. aku bgun, and did the same. i told mak i wanted to wish her way earlier (for i never fail to be the first, every year) but i jst dun knw how, and i am not sure hows the reaction wld be. so i jst hugged her, and wished her alrite. she weeped a bit away, and trust me - God sake, i jst dun knw wat to say. i jst dun knw wat to do.

i am usually good wit comfort words to others, but for the first time - aku tak tau nak cakap apa. aku jst hugged her, aku i was speechless.

i mght tell u lies if i tell u i knw how it is - for her. its mak yg went thru such. but then again, i believed we shared the same feeling - rindu kan abah. especially at time like dis..


mak ajak aku pi pasar. but upon seeing my automatic response on my face, she laughed away and ajak kak ngah. rasa bersalah jgk. dah la jarang2 balik.. tp mak ckp its ok. and kak ngah glad to replace me, asalkan 'hang tgk jap bdk2 neh.. buas kalu, hang kutey sekoq2'. rite on. easy for me. hahaha

mak nak masak nasik ayam. mak nak buat mkn2 sket, for her anniversary.. since aku balik, Soleh pun ada. aku was like.. wow. nasik ayam. hehehe matilarr gemuk.

but then again, who cld resist mak nye cooking? i dun mind being gemuk, rather than tak makan wat shes cooking..

err, i mean.. heh. forget it.


mak, selamat ulangtahun perkahwinan. dah 40thn eh? along proud to hav mak and abah in along's. along tak tau where i wld be w/o u both. tho now dat mak sorg, it doesnt dat thgs r completely different. abah is around. in mak. in us. abah is around all of us. he's apart us.

and mak dun hav to worry a thang.

p/s; along sgy mak!!

Saturday, April 6, 2013

when i was a kid.. balik skol.

when i was a kid, i always hope abh wld brought me arnd after he fetched me bck dr skol. coz most of the time, abh wld jst went home str8.

it din matter if abh sggah minum ke, sggah kedai alat tls ke, or even kedai pisang. it never fails to excite me. u knw, from skol to kedai2 or anywhere else other than jst home.

perhaps maybe bcoz aku jarang kuar rmh, and paling tak - berulang dr rmh ke skol. itu pun abh anta and amek, smpai aku Stndrd 5.

i rmbr wishing abh wld de-tour, like everyday. and stimes, kalo aku berani, and abh pun nampak ok - aku will ask him like 'abh tak nak pi mana2 ke?' kinda thang. and stimes aku thk abh knew dat well, and he wld jst bwk aku pusing2 jap sblm smpai rmh, on his Honda Cup 70.

and at dat time, aku tak tau yg abh cld be penat keje 8 to 5, and arnd 6sthg kena kuar and amek aku plak.
but now dat i knw. kalo abs keje je, and kalo dah smpai rmh; aku mls sgt2 nak buat apa2, esp kalo kena kuar rmh, again..

sigh. aku rindu abh.

Friday, April 5, 2013

when i was a kid.. blackout!

when i was a kid, aku suka sgt time blackout. the whole house kat Kubu Gajah tu wld go pitch dark. and us - being dark as well, wld sit still at one corner, until mak or abah came out wit lilin.

and aku love it jugak, since any of adik-adik aku akan definitely go crying since takut gelap. and aku did was, gelak sorang2. psycho tak?

bukan tu je, bila blackout - rumah akan penuh dgn lilin. and us - being budak2, love to move around the house wit the lilin in our hand. mak wld go berserk and ngamuk, since 'nanti terbakar rumah kang!'. but again - being us, budak2.. we cldnt careless. we wld go melawak sesama sendiri, and ended up lena berpeluh2. 

and aku yg sulung, being the chief.

most of the time - we ended up crashing still dlm gelap. we slept and  hoping dat, by trow morning - there'd be electricity back - since kalo tadak.. payah la. nak siap pi skol et al. and mak wont buy dat excuse utk ngelat tak mau pi skolah.

apart of it - we were happy since bila blackout; all the homeworks and such - aku suruh tutup since 'nanti rosak mata' and 'nanti ada letrik, buat'. and tak yah ngaji. and tak yah baca kitab. mak abah will ask us to duduk diam, jgn nakal2. and we cldnt careless about the TV, or the internet - as if there was one.

but dat was then. skang, kalo tadak letrik.. no. i dun want to think about it.

bad hair day.

no. today is not my day. i mean - i cld feel it rite away ever since aku jumped outta bed. aku snoozed the alarm like coupla times. 6am baru aku kelam kabut rushed to the washroom and such. by 7.15am aku smpai ofc. since semlm whole day aku tak masuk ofc., bermcm jenis mails and memos - as usual. cukup mengerutkan muka aku yg basically aku tau, not even smiling pun. aku put em aside - gez aku will go thru em all, when thgs r ok.

walked out to the washroom again, and turn back to the ofc knwing dat connecting door antara ofc aku and the washroom, terkunci dr dalam. jst imagine. aku kuar tadik ok je! and now tetiber terkunci. dr dalam plak tu! sah2 time mcm ni - aku je la yg paling awal smpai, and nbdy else. and now - it was like ada org plak kunci dr dalam. aku gelabah. pass-card aku tak bawak. bodo lah!

and aku kena berjalan kuar ikut stairs - crossing from one block to another, jst to get back to my ofc! gampang tak? aku geram. tensi.

and by 8am - kelas up to 10am; time tu jugak la contact lense aku nak buat hal. sebelah kanan mcm berhabuk and it was so tak selesa. not sure y. hardly happened mcm ni - unless lens aku dah due to change. dah due to change? shyte - mmg lah. yg aku pakai ni psg lens yg last skali in stock. dah abes stock kat rumah. dah exceed 1bln, i think. argkh. kena call optician aku, for stock.

i dun knw. i gez when u woke up from ur sleep - and ur head alrdy get tuned dat way - everythg will go disastrous for u. i mean - basically. bkn thgs around me je yg buat aku sakit hati - ppl around me as well. its kinda u ko expected me to treat u well, but did u do the same to me? ko nak aku buat dis and dat, tp ko pun sama. 

so forget it. if u think i am not doin good enuff - for u; go FO. aku need to deal wit myself and thgs around me, today. and only then i shall think of others. call me selfish - and u shld thank God if u think i care.

haih, wit all these negativism in me - how to survive the day? sigh.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013


dun ask me about music arrangement. i knw nthg. i am not good in dat. but i knw myself well enuff, dat atleast i knw wat i like and  wat i am not. and dis is my latest fav - among all. i think for the first time Rihanna sang sthg kinda meaningful. the lyrics r good. the way she sang it out.

perhaps u wanna sit down and listen to it, for a while. and u decide urself.


life? (again)

4 hrs of class today - despite marking paper yg tak siap2 lagik; aku thanked God - at least today was way better than yesterday - it is way manageable, breathable. 8am aku kicked off the day wit class dgn budak2 farmasi - Sexual Harassment, smbg semlm. the topic was kinda subjective - so aku decided to take it lightly, short and sweet. class at 8am - nthg much u can hope for, except kalo ur slow and boring - stdnts will see thru u, drifted away, and tido dlm kelas. so, as usual - 8 to 10, few small breaks in between, jokes and such. by 9.30am - aku shooooo-ed em all the the cafe for an hr break.

11am; Introduction to Sociology wit the juniors. a merely introduction je pun. aku jst take it as it is - as long as stdnts fhm, catch some of the P&P objectives (rather than nthg at all) and do some linkage to the real world/life out there - and i am done. bg aku 120mins of class, doesnt mean u hav to confine am all, make em sit still and listen to ur naggin (and at the end of it, ur not even sure urself if they r learning or not pun). bg aku simple. class hrs shld be interesting. wit a lot of examples. discussion taking place. sharing knwledge and experiences - and link em all to the topic dat ur tryin to teach. they get the gist out of it, and u shall out of the class as well.

945am baru aku nampak Ameer at his place. been a while since aku last see him and sembang2 dgn dia. tho we r like at the same level, tp masing2 occupied dgn keje masing2, tugas msg2. Ajak pun dah lama sgt aku tak nampak - kdg2 je dia msg, and we talked thru the phone. Apiz pun. 

tp muka bos2 neh kerap plak aku terserempak. ko lari la pi mana skali pun, sha2 still - u'll bump into em all. spooky eh? ermmm

so aku ajak Ameer pi minum. kuar awal lah, since 11am aku kelas balik. dia pun ok je. he looked kinda preoccupied, different kinda tone while talking. not kinda chaotic Ameer yg aku tau. called Ajak, he wasnt in. so aku kuar dgn Ameer je la. pi Chemor, bihun sup there. 

sembang2 dgn Ameer - it was clear dat he's havin thgs in mind - work, appreciation, work satisfaction, seniors and such. kinda thgs yg aku kerap dgr from others as well. tho maybe - i said, maybe - dat wasnt the core or root of the problems his havin, but then - he is clearly strugglin wit somethg else. so aku jst dgr, and sampuk sket2 apa yg perlu. i knw how it is. workin in ere - u gotta hav sort of motivation to carry on. otherwise, u mght be stranded along the way.

been there before. i mean - i was jst like him back then. eager to strive, eager to giv and get the best for life. u managed to giv all u hav, but then again - bila niat wit goal/vision/mission berbeza - u'll be in conflict. and when u drowned in one - u feel so hopeless. de-motivated. malas. tak bersemangat et al. and the longer ur down there w/o findin a way out - its gonna be worst for u. i remember bein in such situation, as well. when u think u gav ur all - time and energy; yet nbdy really 'sees' u, no appropriate appreciation given - u will feel kinda useless. 

but then again - its all in ur head. niat kita sendiri. aku rasa lah. wat i did is - i do wat i shld do, and i do the best. i dun care if ppl care about it pun. and aku learn how to hav less expectation. betulkan niat, ikhlas, make urself in love wat ur doin, think of the satisfaction it brings to u at the end of the day - and i gez everythg will be alrite.

perhaps - kes aku and Ameer berbeza. aku hav no time to judge thgs pun. literally - he jst need someone he cld talk to, to share his story. and as a fren - aku do wat i shld do. and i gez dat is more than enuf. i hope he'll be ok. he's young. way younger than me pun. kalo awal2 dah giv up, dah de-motivated - u can imagine hows the rest of the life wld be then.

dis is all very subjective. life is subjective itself. its how u look at it. its how u put watever meaning to it. and its all depends on u, urself. 

and nbdy else.


no class ptg ni. aku duduk and marking je lah. nak siap kan sumer2 neh, so dat aku can carry on wit life, properly. and aku nye dental clinic called, dammit aku lupa aptment aku pg tadik. so soon aku will blah and see the doc lah.

a brand new!

simple, a totally difrnt kinda environment. kinda like it.

moga Allah mempermudahkan urusan to get it, as mine.


eye cntrol. katanya.


and i cant help smiling to myslf. geram for ada, for ur like waking up to a brand new kinda hope. and promises.

kelakar pun ada. for knwg how blunt i can be.

argkh. Bodoh nye April. hahaha